quote:

This is an unusual problem, and I've never known anyone else to have an issue like this.

My mother was young and single when I was born, so I was adopted by her older sister, Beth, and Beth's husband, Joe. This wasn't just a guardianship, Beth and Joe fully adopted me, and I was supposed to be their daughter. Beth and Joe had been struggling for awhile to have a baby, so it seemed like everything would work out well. I lived in the same town as my grandparents and biological mother, and spent a lot of time with them. My mother was actually my daycare provider a couple days a week, so I was very close to her.

A few years later, Beth and Joe had a child of their own, Daniel. After Daniel was born, they grew more and more distant towards me, and I was left with my grandparents and mother a lot more. Eventually, I moved in with them, and my mother was made my legal guardian (though I was never re-adopted). After my mother was able to get a good job, we moved out on our own, and later my stepfather joined us. Beth, Joe, and Daniel moved away, and we didn't see them as much. I don't remember being too bothered by any of this at the time. I was close to my mom, my stepfather was great, and I had my grandparents nearby, so I didn't really care about some random relatives who I used to live with. The story that was given to other family members and friends was that Beth and Joe gave me back to my mom at her request, because she missed me and they wanted to make her happy. I was told this too, until high school, when I found out that Beth and Joe had wanted me gone. I did see a therapist for awhile, and I think that helped me a lot.

Unfortunately, Daniel died a couple of years ago. Of course, we were all really upset, and sad for Beth and Joe. They started keeping more in touch with me after Daniel's death, and I allowed it because I felt bad for them, and didn't think it would hurt me to talk to them. However, they have crossed the line! I am getting married soon, and they are acting as though they are the parents of the bride! They call me with various "suggestions" for the wedding, and get upset when I tell them that we will be doing something else. They have been getting extremely pushy and telling me to invite their friends and Joe's relatives. The worst though, was when they told me they wanted to walk me down the aisle! I told them my mom and stepfather would be walking me, and they screamed and wailed that they only wanted to be involved on their "daughter's" special day. Beth and Joe told some extended family members about this, and these well-meaning relatives came to me with suggestions such as Beth and Joe walking me halfway, and my parents walking me the rest of the way, having just Joe and my stepfather walk me, or giving Beth and Joe something else to do, like a reading or blessing. These people do not know what really happened, and a part of me wants to tell them the full story. Part of me also wants to uninvite Beth and Joe from the wedding. I understand that losing a child is horrible, and that they probably regret a lot of what they did. However, they have completely disrespected my relationship with my real parents, and have never apologized for abandoning me. Considering their past behavior, I believe I am still only a substitute to them, and that they never would have taken an interest in me again if Daniel were alive.

Do you think it's reasonable to uninvite them from my wedding? Cut them off? Do you have any suggestions for what to say to any other well meaning busybodies who don't know what really happened?

tldr: My adoptive parents who left me to be raised by my biological mother now want to be involved in my life again.

quote:

"Joe, you only get to give a daughter away once."

quote:

A little weird.

10 years ago: Mom [53F] left Dad [62M]. Dad gained a lot of weight and started going mountain man.

Kids started asking if he was Santa and he went with it. Now it is part of his identity, to be Mr. Santa. He keeps his beard long, wears a lot of red, and keeps gaining weight to look the part.

Other than being concerned about his almost 150lbs weight gain in 10 years, he is also taking it over a line. It was fine at first because it was only seasonal and he handed out little prizes and candy canes to kids.

Now that my eldest sister Jane [35F] had her two kids [5F] and [4M], Dad wants to be called Grandpa Santa. The kids tell everyone Santa is their grandpa and are super excited about it.

Jane hates the idea that her kids are being lied to and have told them it's just a game. But my Dad does this stupid thing, where he winks and goes, "It's our little secret" when they ask. So the kids are still convinced their Grandpa is Santa, but also think their mother is 'too old to believe' or 'bitter.' It's stupid.

We want to talk to him now before it gets worse. Now that the kids are older and my middle sister Meghan [33F] is expecting her first kid, everyone has said it needs to be addressed. Wee One is due in June, so we are trying to do this now, so Dad has time to de-Santa before Christmas season (which seems to start before Halloween in our area.]

So we are just not sure how to tell my Dad to stop. I could use some advice, thanks. How do we get my dad to stop?

TL;DR Dad keeps acting like Santa all year round. We want him to stop.

Jeza posted:

My [17F] brother [13M] has been doing martial arts for years. The kid he was sparing made a sexual comment about me. So my brother split the kids forehead open and my mother wants me to handle it

pidan posted:

This thread is giving me the superpower of knowing which of you goons are/want to be complete creeps

tactlessbastard posted:

quote:

"Joe, you only get to give a daughter away once."

Chaosfirev posted:

Family Honor successfully defended.

pidan posted:

This thread is giving me the superpower of knowing which of you goons have / want a much younger girlfriend.

Jeza posted:

My [17F] brother [13M] has been doing martial arts for years. The kid he was sparing made a sexual comment about me. So my brother split the kids forehead open and my mother wants me to handle it

Kuros posted:

Talk poo poo, get hit.

Pick posted:

uh yeah those all seem like gross shitheads

leave it to a middle-class idiot to think that a hundred million dollars means you're immune from abusive behavior or bad decision-making

Three Olives posted:

Jeza posted:

"Joe, you only get to give a daughter away once."

Three Olives posted:

Or maybe they aren't being abused or making bad decisions and there are good reasons why they are in a relationship with a older man despite being independently wealthy.

But it's fun when Pick lectures people about healthy relationships.

Haifisch posted:

Having lots of money doesn't mean you don't make bad decisions. See: Steve Jobs dying of an easily-treated cancer because he went for snake oil instead of real medicine.

Baronjutter posted:

Every 5 million dollars of networth adds a year to a person's real mental/emotional age. You might be 50 and she 24, but if she has a networth of say 100 million that would bring her up to 44 which is perfectly reasonable. Now if that same 24 year old was something lowly like a waitress or PHD molecular biologist then it could possibly be considered a bit gross and lopsided, unless the dude was a celebrity I like then it's ok to make it so.

Three Olives posted:

But age difference alone doesn't mean they are making poor ones and it's awfully rich of Pick to criticize their relationship decisions.

AnoHito posted:

I am of the controversial opinion that a grown adult can consensually gently caress another grown adult if they please.

Haifisch posted:

Having lots of money doesn't mean you don't make bad decisions. See: Steve Jobs dying of an easily-treated cancer because he went for snake oil instead of real medicine.

andrew smash posted:

treating it with fruit juice and tea tree oil or whatever the gently caress he did certainly did not help him, but "easily-treated" is not in the vocabulary for any pancreatic cancer. The type of tumor he had was relatively rare even compared to other pancreatic tumors so there aren't huge amounts of data but survival times are pretty bad.

Barudak posted:

The specific type he had was the unique one among pancreatic cancers that has a 95% survival rate.

Barudak posted:

The specific type he had was the unique one among pancreatic cancers that has a 95% survival rate.

Three Olives posted:

But age difference alone doesn't mean they are making poor ones and it's awfully rich of Pick to criticize their relationship decisions.

andrew smash posted:

This is not accurate, low grade pancreatic neurodendocrine tumors (islet cell tumors, what Jobs had) have a 5-year survival of about 55% if they're resectable and the patient actually has the surgery. Given that Jobs didn't get surgery until late and lived almost a decade, any notions about him surviving if he had done it sooner are pure speculation.

quote:

My parents had saved up a nest egg ever since I was baby and gave it to me when I turned 18. I was determined to not squander it and have been adding to it over the past 4 years. It's not enough to send me entirely through grad school, but it's been enough to be my safety net and helped me avoid student debt so far. Although I may have a bit more wealth than some of my peers, my income is not steady or great (I am a student).

My boyfriend is the opposite. He is a little bit more liberal with his money (likes expensive restaurants, bought an expensive car). His income is steadier than mine (Navy) but he doesn't have much saved.

He's known about my savings for quite a while and it's been a source of contention when it comes to buying stuff. For example, for my birthday, I was a bit miffed that he wanted to go dutch on gas and dinner, and also annoyed that he made me pay our entrance fees to the pool we swam at. He pointed out, "You're the one with thousands in the bank!"

For his birthday, he wants to go to New York during the New Years Eve. That would require me to fly out to meet him (plane ticket 400~) and he wants to split the hotel with me (~100 for AirBnb). I told him that this is the most expensive city on the most expensive night to be there. He really wants to go, I would prefer to do something a bit cheaper (but still fun). I love this guy, but a >600~ trip for 2-3 days is a little steep for me.

I want to be able to sensitively tell him it's out of my price range without my money being a source a contention.

tl;dr: I have money in the bank that's for grad school and other investments. My boyfriend gets annoyed when I am frugal. He wants to go to New York on New Year's Eve. Want to tell him how expensive this is going to be for me (and him tbh) but I know he's going to bring up my savings. Want to make it clear that my money is for grad school, but don't want to hurt his feelings or make it seem that I don't care for his birthday.

Brother Entropy posted:

this all seems kinda beyond the point unless there is a cancer that can be fought off with a juice cleanse

Haifisch posted:

Huh, I always heard it as he had the one pancreatic cancer that was survivable with treatment. Although I guess that's how most media would report 'pancreatic cancer that's more survivable(but still pretty bad) compared to the others'.

Barudak posted:

The specific type he had was the unique one among pancreatic cancers that has a 95% survival rate.

quote:

[F22] My boyfriend [M24] knows how much money I have saved, is annoyed by my frugalness.

quote:

So I have my ex blocked and she’s been blocked for a month now. I went NC a month ago without telling her, but a friend of mine told her that I blocked her so she knows now. I’m not sure if she’s tried to contact me, but I could care less. I’ve actually blocked her on all social media because I don’t want her to see what’s going on in my life.

Here’s the thing tho, lately I’ve been just wanting to rid her from my life per say. I’ve had some spam numbers call my phone (telemarketers) and I’ve blocked those. However, every time I block a spam number, I see her number in my phone. And tbh, I don’t even wanna see her number in my phone AT ALL!

Would it be smart for me to unblock her number just so I don’t ever have to see it again? I’m 99.9% sure she won’t contact me and if she did, I’m healed enough to where I wouldn’t contact her back or break down or anything. I really just don’t want her number in my phone at all. I want her completely gone from my life.

quote:

There’s a lot more to the story (of course) but I’ve known this girl, I’ll call her Rachel, for about 2 years. We originally met online and became friends very quickly. After some time we came to like one another and developed very strong feelings for each other. We had another friend we both met online and at the time he and I were looking for a new place to stay and all joint decided to move in together. This other friend, Thomas I’ll call him, knew prior to moving in that Rachel and I were interested in dating.

TLDR; I love my roommate, we date for a bit, but then I was scared to stay with her. She then dates our roommate but confesses she loves me back and wants to be with me but is scared of leaving and hurting our roommate. So I have to see them date for a while before they break up in the hopes to save our friendship with him.

So we all move in together and Rachel and I do this half dating thing. Not officially a bf/gf deal but dating. When I started to see how strongly I cared about her and wanted her I got scared. I haven’t been very good at relationships in the past. I was cheated on twice, cheated once, hurt a few people, was hurt back and recently divorced. I didn’t have the best experience with relationships and here I was getting into one again with one of my best friends... it terrified me to think of hurting her or being hurt again. So I told her that, reluctantly, all secretly wishing I could just have the courage to date her. She took it very hard and I felt terrible.

As soon as I say I was a little worried about the relationship working, Thomas comes in and says he’s interested in dating Rachel. I was confused that he would say that so quickly. It was literally the day after me and Rachel talked about it. Rachel says ok, let’s give it a try. Once again very confused as to how that just happened so quickly but they were great friends so I wasn’t too surprised they wanted to try dating. The speed of it just caught me off guard. They asked me if I was going to be ok with it and I said if that’s what they wanted to try then I’d who was I to say no. I’d be ok with it. Or so I thought.

That very first night, a day after me and Rachel “broke up”, she sleeps in his room and I hear them having sex all night. It broke my heart. It felt like I got hit by a sledgehammer in the chest. My heart snapped in two. And it dawned on me I couldn’t bear not being with her. As ok with it as I wanted to be and as scared as I was of being hurt or hurting her... I was now more willing and determined as ever to be with Rachel. Not because she was “mine” or my possession or anything like that. But because that pain I felt taught me, in a way I couldn’t understand before, how much I cared about her and wanted to be with her.

That night I slept down stairs in the basement to drown out the sounds. “Slept”. I didn’t sleep a wink. The morning rolls around and Thomas goes to work. Rachel finally finds me in the basement and I tell her I heard them and how devastated I was. She apologized. I told her I made a catastrophic mistake in not moving forward with her. At first she didn’t believe me but I explained my feelings, worries and why I was so scared and she understood why I said what I did. I told her I loved her (which I had never until that point) and she said she felt the same way but thought I didn’t because of what I said about not dating her... I spent the following week having many conversations with her and we’ve come to the conclusion that we really want to be together again but now Thomas doesn’t want to break up with her.

She’s said specifically that even if I wasn’t in the picture she wouldn’t be interested in dating Thomas. She says it’s kind of awkward to be dating him as she sees him as more of a brother than a boyfriend. Several things have happened that she doesn’t want to date him already (it’s been about 2 weeks) and she doesn’t know how to tell him she doesn’t want to date him without crushing him.

So here we are, stuck in this strange predicament where we want to date but she’s worried about hurting Thomas. I’ve since told Thomas about my feelings for Rachel and even then he said he wouldn’t stop dating her. Rachel believes if she breaks up with him he’ll move out and well both lose our friendship with him. So her idea is to date him for a little bit, give him a chance for x amount of time, to show him that they’re not compatible, after which we will date. So then I’m stuck in this position knowing me and Rachel love one another but can’t be together to save a friendship and have to still interact with them on the daily... it’s killing me to see it, it’s tearing Rachel apart, and Thomas is blissfully happy. How on earth do I weather the next... weeks/months of seeing the girl I love, whom I know loves me, date one of my friends/roommate?? I know it’s my fault in the first place for telling her I wouldn’t move forward with her and it’s my fault in the first place for saying I’d be ok with the relationship... I desperately wish I never did that... but here we are. Any advice or help would be appreciated.