/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

PetraCore: Jul 20, 2017; 👁️🔥👁️👁️👁️BE NOT👄AFRAID👁️👁️👁️🔥👁️

Pick posted:

*Pick on top of the mountain*^{psst... social skills are skills. like all other skills, they are learned things.}

God, yes, this.

Like, look. I'm autistic. You're autistic. There is a natural disadvantage at social skills there. And yet... I learned? And there's plenty of times where I'm better at reading people's emotions and navigating their feelings because I consciously think about it and don't take it for granted? I don't get why so many people don't put in the effort at all, except maybe that it's super awkward when you're first putting in effort, but it's more awkward before you put in the effort.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 00:00

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# ? Jun 3, 2024 22:43

LethalGeek: Nov 4, 2009

It was a week ago now but watching the women of the thread tell the men of this thread "yeah a lot of you are bad at sex" point blank and watching my fellow men completely not handle this well made my loving morning.

The women are 100% right btw, most of you are not that great.

Following that with the whole breastfeeding thing was just icing on my cake.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 00:03

I Was The Fury: Oct 19, 2012; Always stop to smell the flowers, just in case they're weeds

LethalGeek posted:

It was a week ago now but watching the women of the thread tell the men of this thread "yeah a lot of you are bad at sex" point blank and watching my fellow men completely not handle this well made my loving morning.

The women are 100% right btw, most of you are not that great.

Following that with the whole breastfeeding thing was just icing on my cake.

I'm really glad you're bringing this back up because I don't think three olives has had enough of a chance to make everyone hate him and I really loving love hearing a bunch of dudes pipe up about how good they are at eating pussy (not as good as I am, I assure you)

# ? Feb 24, 2018 00:05

wizardofloneliness: Dec 30, 2008

Bubblyblubber posted:

My [31M] bf [31F] lacks BASIC LIFE SKILLS

I can totally believe that this guy has ADHD. But if he�s refusing to get any treatment and just using it as an excuse to be a gently caress-up then there isn�t much hope for him. I have ADHD so I can understand some of his behavior to a certain extent but he has gone way, way beyond what is acceptable for another person to have to deal with. The dude can�t even flush his own poo poo.

The best thing for him is if she leaves. Maybe then he will be forced to learn how to do basic tasks. Or find another girlfriend/mommy to take care of him, most likely. At least she�ll be out of there.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 00:07

andrew smash: Jun 26, 2006; smooth soul

I Was The Fury posted:

Thanks you for putting more thought into my brother's drunken rambling than he did.

Every job is also scientist if you think about it because a scientists job is to learn new things and people learn something new every day

Today�s quip from the Onion tear-off calendar 2018: �Guy doing what he loves for a living needs to borrow 50 bucks�

# ? Feb 24, 2018 00:07

LethalGeek: Nov 4, 2009

I Was The Fury posted:

I'm really glad you're bringing this back up because I don't think three olives has had enough of a chance to make everyone hate him and I really loving love hearing a bunch of dudes pipe up about how good they are at eating pussy (not as good as I am, I assure you)

Yeah so weird of me laughing at people's emotional/relationship hang ups in this thread. Why would I come in here for that lol

# ? Feb 24, 2018 00:10

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

andrew smash posted:

Today�s quip from the Onion tear-off calendar 2018: �Guy doing what he loves for a living needs to borrow 50 bucks�

this is my favorite onion article of all time

# ? Feb 24, 2018 00:17

I Was The Fury: Oct 19, 2012; Always stop to smell the flowers, just in case they're weeds

LethalGeek posted:

Yeah so weird of me laughing at people's emotional/relationship hang ups in this thread. Why would I come in here for that lol

How do you feel about picky eaters?

# ? Feb 24, 2018 00:27

LethalGeek: Nov 4, 2009

I Was The Fury posted:

How do you feel about picky eaters?

I used to be one and everyone's right I was a giant baby, I guess? gently caress'em all the same, I got over it they can too.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 00:32

Bunni-kat: May 25, 2010; Service Desk B-b-bunny...
How can-ca-caaaaan I
help-p-p-p you?

LethalGeek posted:

Yeah so weird of me laughing at people's emotional/relationship hang ups in this thread. Why would I come in here for that lol

Or you could not bring up old multi-page shitfests that we had to read through once already and remember the content is supposed to come from outside the thread. God drat it.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 00:36

Odd: Dec 30, 2006; I think everybody just needs to maybe cool out a little maybe

Avenging_Mikon posted:

Or you could not bring up old multi-page shitfests that we had to read through once already and remember the content is supposed to come from outside the thread. God drat it.

don't be so celsius this is a fahrenheit kind of thread

# ? Feb 24, 2018 01:45

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

His brain almost works so fast its often several hundred steps ahead of what he is currently doing and cant seem to stay focused on anything for more than 4 sec.

This reminds me of the train enthusiast that said they don't bother learning social skills because the cattle aren't worth the effort to talk to.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 02:06

Admiral Ray: May 17, 2014; Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy

Palpek posted:

[Non-romantic] Two of my [50/M] female coworkers [24/F] [25/F] have *the strangest* friendship

Yes, it's incredibly strange. If you stay in this environment eventually their positive nature will infect you and before long you'll want to have human contact with others as well. Avoid this at all costs. As a case study, I submit yourself as a cautionary tale of why human beings are trash.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 02:11

bend: Dec 31, 2012

I Was The Fury posted:

I'm really glad you're bringing this back up because I don't think three olives has had enough of a chance to make everyone hate him and I really loving love hearing a bunch of dudes pipe up about how good they are at eating pussy (not as good as I am, I assure you)

fair enough, any tips?

# ? Feb 24, 2018 02:13

Rubellavator: Aug 16, 2007

how good are women at sex?

# ? Feb 24, 2018 02:16

Tender Bender: Sep 17, 2004

very carefully

# ? Feb 24, 2018 02:22

Admiral Ray: May 17, 2014; Proud Musk and Dogecoin fanboy

Nobody is good at sex. The best you can hope for is the same level of empty satisfaction that comes with eating an hours old boiled hot dog without ketchup on a smashed piece of Wonder Bread. I rate my own sexual prowess slightly under that bar, so I tell people to expect the same regret as eating a frozen dinner that still had the plastic wrap on it when they microwaved it.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 02:23

wizardofloneliness: Dec 30, 2008

tactlessbastard posted:

This reminds me of the train enthusiast that said they don't bother learning social skills because the cattle aren't worth the effort to talk to.

Clearly the reason I refuse to clean up after myself or flush my own poo poo is because I'm just so smart and don't want to waste my brainpower on such trifling matters :smuggo:

# ? Feb 24, 2018 02:46

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Did you know Einstein had a closet of exactly the same turds?

# ? Feb 24, 2018 02:47

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

One for each day of the week.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 02:48

Odd: Dec 30, 2006; I think everybody just needs to maybe cool out a little maybe

Pick posted:

One for each day of the week.

Don't pretend you don't have a Post Closet too

# ? Feb 24, 2018 02:57

Kak: Sep 27, 2002

TIFU by applying for jobs for the past month as "Titty Boobowitz"

submitted 11 hours ago * by TittyBoobowitzx2

I've been a self-employed confectioner for the past two years and I recently started trying to get back into one of those fancy jobs with an office thingy again. I should also mention that for almost ten years I've used the same handle across multiple social media platforms. It's by no means a secret identity, but it's also not explicitly connected to my real name. Or so I thought. I had been happily emailing my resume and cover letters to many potential employers when I received this email from one that I was particularly excited about:

I have to say when "Titty Boobowitz" appeared in my inbox I got quite a chuckle, and had to figure out where that came from! Your twitter profile is great - so much personality!

I look forward to reviewing your application and will be in touch shortly.

Ooops. My stomach fell right out of my rear end when I read that. And of course the most recent thing I had tweeted was just a stream of swear words. I tried to do damage control, but I did not have high expectations. Today I finally received the follow up "you're not moving on to the interview process" email.

TL;DR: Somewhere along the line while I was connecting social media accounts to my email, my real name was changed to Titty Boobowitz in gmail and I never noticed. Then I attempted job hunting. No wonder I got no responses.

EDIT: Just because I didn't make it clear - I emailed a gracious response to the person who does the hiring to let her know that it was my unintentional, embarrassing oversight and I appreciated the heads up. We had a warm back and forth, it was a positive experience overall. I'm relieved to know that this kind of thing happens to TONS of idiots like me. At least I didn't put "attention to detail" anywhere in my resume.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 03:05

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

My [37F] husband's [39M] "long lost daughter" [22F] has ruined my life.

quote:

I don't know what to do. It feels as if everything I hold dear is crumbling beneath me.

Around a year ago, my husband anxiously sat me down and told me that he had discovered he had a long lost daughter, and that she wanted to meet him. According to him, he had an ex he got pregnant as a teenager, but she had moved away before she started showing and without telling him. She gave birth and kept this daughter a secret from him. Eventually, she put "Kat" up for adoption.

Kat had now tracked him down and wanted to get to know him.

As I'm unable to conceive on my own, I was very enthusiastic and encouraging of them meeting. I thought we would be a nice little family, though she lived out of state, and we would only see her infrequently. He was nervous about it, but they met and seemed to establish a good relationship almost immediately.

I'll admit, before her first visit, I wanted to snoop around on her facebook, twitter, etc. But he told me he had already tried and she just didn't "seem into social media". At one point (well, several), I asked about DNA testing or speaking to the mother/adoptive parents. He told me all of that would come in due time, but based on the details she had shared with him, he was 90% sure she was his biological daughter. He showed me some pictures she had sent him, and they indeed very, very closely resembled one another.

Their first view visits together were private, but eventually we had a big dinner for her at my house. She could be a little immature and inappropriate (she brought up politics, sex, and religion within the first hour), but she was charming.

My husband has seen Kat numerous times since then, both with and without me present.

A week ago, a young man I've never met friend requested me, then sent me a Facebook link. It was Kat. But it wasn't. Her screen name wasn't Kat or Katherine but something else completely. I was only able to give it a glance before he sent another message.

It was "Kat's" ex-boyfriend, and he wanted me to know that this was the woman my husband had been sleeping with.

I immediately ceased contact with him and assumed he must have misunderstood Kat's relationship to my husband somehow. That Kat may use an alias for facebook. But looking at her account, I started noticing other discrepancies. Personal details that were similar to but unlike Kat's. That Facebook account ate at me for a couple of days before I asked my husband if he knew what any of this was about.

He immediately started crying. There had been an incident where he'd been in the shower or something and, for whatever reason, he suspected I had gone through his texts. He had deleted most of them prior to leaving the phone unattended, but she had since texted him a couple of times "in character".

Which is how he segued into telling me that they were in a fake, incestuous "daddy/daughter" relationship.

I felt sick. To be honest, I actually vomited once the arguing was over.

He said that, at the time, he had just come up with the long lost daughter ruse as a panicked, impulsive excuse. When I was excited and encouraging of the situation, the two of them decided to take advantage of that opportunity.

He told me that he loved me but not in any romantic or sexual way. That he had married me out of fear of never being able to do better. (He kept saying "You're such an amazing person") That he had considered leaving well before he met her, but he had always been afraid I may hurt myself or start drinking again.

I left and have not returned to our home since. My best friend is the only one who has any idea of what is happening.

How do I tell my family? We're not particularly close, but a small few of them have actually met her. How do I tell anyone what happened? My husband's parents are both deceased, but he has a brother and nephew who will surely wonder what is up with their niece/cousin. Unless they know the truth already?

Do his friends and coworkers know, or has he lied to them, too? He actually does NOT have a Facebook account (though I now know he uses a site for this sick stuff), but I'VE posted about Kat on numerous occasions. Did no one look into it or ask him? I know I personally fielded a lot of questions. We have a lot of mutual acquaintances, and I feel as if he just played the cruelest joke on me imsginable.

The marriage is beyond saving, and there will be the normal burdens that come with that, I know. Eight years of my life wasted. The financial and practical and even heartsick issues I could potentially deal with.

But what do I do about the humiliation? What do if I do if my ex-husband dates or even marries his "daughter", who I publicly accepted as my own, once we are through? How do I find out who knew and who didn't? Should I move away? Start all over somewhere else and try and make different friends?

It has taken me a while to finish this, but I honestly cannot even begin to explain how embarrassed of everything I am.

It hurts more than I ever thought this could.

TL;DR: My husband's girlfriend has pretended to be his daughter for months, and I have just found out. My marriage is over. I do not know how to approach my friends or family about this or how to figure out who I can trust.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 03:05

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

age of consent should be 30 imho

# ? Feb 24, 2018 03:08

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

before then your brain just isn't developed enough not to ruin other people's lives

well i guess it can be like 30 for women

35 for men

*squints*

40 for men

# ? Feb 24, 2018 03:09

value-brand cereal: May 2, 2008

Palpek posted:

My [37F] husband's [39M] "long lost daughter" [22F] has ruined my life.

I don't know. Like if I knew I had married an incestuous pedophile I'd probably go full Lizzie Borden [no incest joke implied] and hope I get a good lawyer afterwards. I feel real bad for this lady, and slightly bad for whatever hosed up that poor girl.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 03:12

don longjohns: Mar 2, 2012

value-brand cereal posted:

I don't know. Like if I knew I had married an incestuous pedophile I'd probably go full Lizzie Borden [no incest joke implied] and hope I get a good lawyer afterwards. I feel real bad for this lady, and slightly bad for whatever hosed up that poor girl.

To go to the wife's house and pretend to be his daughter... it's like something out of a loving horror movie. Both the other woman and the husband are sick, hosed up, selfish people. Him crying was the worst part. What a piece of garbage.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 03:18

datajugend: Jan 15, 2010; Cat Army

"where is your husband?"

well he is loving his long lost daughter

# ? Feb 24, 2018 03:34

mllaneza: Apr 28, 2007; Veteran, Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force, 1993-1952

Palpek posted:

My [37F] husband's [39M] "long lost daughter" [22F] has ruined my life.

Post of the year candidate right here.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 03:56

dudeness: Mar 5, 2010; Cat Army; Fallen Rib

Pretend that you still believe she is his long lost daughter and make a post on facebook about them loving.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 04:09

John Wick of Dogs: Mar 4, 2017; A real hellraiser

value-brand cereal posted:

I don't know. Like if I knew I had married an incestuous pedophile I'd probably go full Lizzie Borden [no incest joke implied] and hope I get a good lawyer afterwards. I feel real bad for this lady, and slightly bad for whatever hosed up that poor girl.

A 37 year old is way too old to date a 22 year old but calling that pedophilia is a little ridiculous. Also I'm not sure if you read the story right but it wasn't actually his daughter (though apparently they role played it which is hosed up)

# ? Feb 24, 2018 04:22

andrew smash: Jun 26, 2006; smooth soul

Pick posted:

this is my favorite onion article of all time

Edit: also, holy poo poo

# ? Feb 24, 2018 04:32

andrew smash: Jun 26, 2006; smooth soul

dudeness posted:

Pretend that you still believe she is his long lost daughter and make a post on facebook about them loving.

This is the only play left

# ? Feb 24, 2018 04:33

value-brand cereal: May 2, 2008

Al Borland Corp. posted:

A 37 year old is way too old to date a 22 year old but calling that pedophilia is a little ridiculous. Also I'm not sure if you read the story right but it wasn't actually his daughter (though apparently they role played it which is hosed up)

Oh, my apologies, you're right. I auto-completed that thought process considering most incest freaks are usually into DDLG, which is pedophilia roleplay.

failing forward posted:

To go to the wife's house and pretend to be his daughter... it's like something out of a loving horror movie. Both the other woman and the husband are sick, hosed up, selfish people. Him crying was the worst part. What a piece of garbage.

The way incest is kind of being normalized I can easily see this as a lovely, november premier date horror movie. There's also the horrible layer of involving someone into another person's kinks/sex scene without their consent.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 04:45

don longjohns: Mar 2, 2012

value-brand cereal posted:

Oh, my apologies, you're right. I auto-completed that thought process considering most incest freaks are usually into DDLG, which is pedophilia roleplay.

The way incest is kind of being normalized I can easily see this as a lovely, november premier date horror movie. There's also the horrible layer of involving someone into another person's kinks/sex scene without their consent.

This occurred to me, too. It's sinister. I don't buy his crying as actually feeling bad for her. And to say he stayed because he thought he couldn't do any better makes me think he's been a dick to her in the past. I'm extrapolating a lot, but what else is the internet for.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 05:38

Cowslips Warren: Oct 29, 2005; What use had they for tricks and cunning, living in the enemy's warren and paying his price?; Grimey Drawer

extra row of teeth posted:

I wouldn't even name a Chihuahua Guppy for fear of emasculating him. That mom is loving psycho.

My mom almost named me Brooke, which isn't bad at all but is very stripper-ey. You just take a huge risk with exotic names

I'm never having kids, but years ago when I had thought about it, if it was a boy, I wanted Janos or Raziel. Or a first and middle. I figure he could go by J.R. or RJ and the full name would bust out when he was in deep poo poo.

My friend had twin girls. Willow (okay) and Elora (the gently caress). The latter is the princess from the movie/book Willow. Seriously?

edit: Holy gently caress on the daughter/girlfriend thing. If she has pictures, best thing to do is post them all over Facebook. Here is my husband making out with his daughter, is this normal?

Cowslips Warren fucked around with this message at 06:29 on Feb 24, 2018

# ? Feb 24, 2018 05:54

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

My children would be named Wangbo (if male) and High Heel (if girl).

# ? Feb 24, 2018 05:57

Nitr0: Aug 17, 2005; IT'S FREE REAL ESTATE

Blade Runner posted:

38 and never been kissed

what

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbIZ1IuqCzU&t=74s

# ? Feb 24, 2018 06:47

Oscar Wild: Apr 11, 2006; It's good to be a G

Pick posted:

My children would be named Wangbo (if male) and High Heel (if girl).

Im going with "Tanner"

# ? Feb 24, 2018 06:48

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# ? Jun 3, 2024 22:43

DACK FAYDEN: Feb 25, 2013; Bear Witness

Kak posted:

TIFU by applying for jobs for the past month as "Titty Boobowitz"

submitted 11 hours ago * by TittyBoobowitzx2

I don't know what's better, this story or the subtle fact that the username "TittyBoobowitz" was already taken.

And poo poo, I'd give Titty Boobowitz an interview. That's a tiebreaker in your favor.

# ? Feb 24, 2018 06:51

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