Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

trap sprung

# ? Jul 25, 2018 00:56

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# ? May 12, 2024 23:15

Odd: Dec 30, 2006; I think everybody just needs to maybe cool out a little maybe

sugar free jazz posted:

not a psych/cognitive person myself but last I heard that implicit association stuff was Not Great so ymmv on that

I read that if you try and do implicit association, that you are the one who is implicitly associated

# ? Jul 25, 2018 02:13

PetraCore: Jul 20, 2017; 👁️🔥👁️👁️👁️BE NOT👄AFRAID👁️👁️👁️🔥👁️

loquacius posted:

The primary reason this is a movie plot idea is that you'd need to do some dirty poo poo to give ads access to a user's webcam

Like, I'm sure all our webcams are constantly spying on us all the time etc etc but that doesn't mean anyone who buys a banner ad can access them

I wouldn't be surprised if Google was already doing something like this for non-pedo-related reasons though, they're the number-one targeted-ad company in the world and they also make phones with cameras all over them.

The rest of it I see no reason to scoff at from a science perspective really, implicit-association tests are real and you could probably do gaze-analysis stuff with them

Lemme tell you I'm pretty sure I'd fail that test and it's not because I'm a pedo!

It's because I was molested by a pedo. Survivors are going to have hella strong and weird emotional responses too.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 03:42

Salty Josh: Jul 13, 2016; Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.; Nap Ghost

PetraCore posted:

Lemme tell you I'm pretty sure I'd fail that test and it's not because I'm a pedo!

It's because I was molested by a pedo. Survivors are going to have hella strong and weird emotional responses too.

Sorry that happened to you.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 03:50

PetraCore: Jul 20, 2017; 👁️🔥👁️👁️👁️BE NOT👄AFRAID👁️👁️👁️🔥👁️

Salty Josh posted:

Sorry that happened to you.

Thanks. It was a long time ago and I'm dealing w/ it okay.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 03:56

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

The SS did like 90% war crimes 10% running away from people with actual guns, iirc.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 05:00

yeah I eat ass: Mar 14, 2005; only people who enjoy my posting can replace this avatar

That first goon talks like someone off of 4chan so that plus his knowledge of those terms makes it seem like a "protest too much" situation. He secretly wants to be outed so he no longer has to hide his secret shame.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 05:12

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

SatansOnion posted:

_ahem

# ? Jul 25, 2018 06:35

bob dobbs is dead: Oct 8, 2017; I love peeps; Nap Ghost

Ghost Leviathan posted:

A Dracula's Castle theme park would probably unironically own. Basically a Halloween all year round place. (except on Christmas when Santa Claus shows up and things get hilarious)

terry pratchett, hogfather

(gnu terry pratchett)

# ? Jul 25, 2018 07:07

FortMan: Jan 10, 2012; Viva Romanesco!

bob dobbs is dead posted:

terry pratchett, hogfather

(gnu terry pratchett)

Gave the best present, that one.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 07:08

The Rabbi T. White: Jul 17, 2008

loquacius posted:

The primary reason this is a movie plot idea is that you'd need to do some dirty poo poo to give ads access to a user's webcam

Like, I'm sure all our webcams are constantly spying on us all the time etc etc but that doesn't mean anyone who buys a banner ad can access them

Yeah - the main source of malware for most people is via malicious banner ads.
People never patch their browser, Java or Flash. The main ad networks don't even pretend to glance at any third-party scripts included in whatever they're paid to serve up.
Ads more than likely already have control of your whole computer.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 11:27

Ghost Leviathan: Mar 2, 2017; Exploration is ill-advised.

The Rabbi T. White posted:

Yeah - the main source of malware for most people is via malicious banner ads.
People never patch their browser, Java or Flash. The main ad networks don't even pretend to glance at any third-party scripts included in whatever they're paid to serve up.
Ads more than likely already have control of your whole computer.

Ad blockers are probably literally better protection than antivirus software at this point. (Of course, you're best off with both)

# ? Jul 25, 2018 11:30

Dawncloack: Nov 26, 2007; ECKS DEE!; Nap Ghost

Add blockers (privacy badger specially), pimping your hosts file and closing as many unnecessary windows services as possible is the ticket.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 11:42

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

See thread title to prevent infections.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 13:35

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Honestly the idea of malware didn't really come to mind for some reason, but rooting a computer through an intrusive ad in order to gain access to its devices in order to see through the webcam whether the user looks at a pedo word for too long seems like kind of a roundabout way to do not very much, and then the user clicks away from your ad and there are no more pedo words but you still have control over their webcam and what are you gonna do with it now

At that point honestly just hijack the processor to mine bitcoin or encrypt all their emails for ransom or whatever it is virus people do, and if you're doing that why bother putting pedo words on the screen

# ? Jul 25, 2018 13:38

RFC2324: Jun 7, 2012; http 418

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Ad blockers are probably literally better protection than antivirus software at this point. (Of course, you're best off with both)

antivirus other than what is built into your OS(ie windows defender) seems to primarily exist as an additional attack surface for malware nowadays.

https://arstechnica.com/information-technology/2017/01/antivirus-is-bad/

be smart about your surfing, keep you software patched, and use an adblocker for best security.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 17:46

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

So, I'm gonna be on vacation for about a week starting tomorrow and updates are gonna be sparse in the meantime. I've managed to get in contact with H.H and he said he can post a few times in the interim, but he's busy with work so no guarantees of regularity.

In the meantime, here's another followup from the guy who cheated on his wife and got away from both partners:

quote:

Me again. I know it is stupid, but having rhese read and commented on is a big help for me, so thank you.

As of now, things aren't too different. I'm no longer so heartsick over my ex, and when I am, it is less intense and more brief. I have made no attempts to contact her. I want to, but I know it would just hurt all over again if I fail to reconcile with her.

A couple days ago, I was awoken at 1:30AM by a strange number. I answered, heart in my throat, but it was just some woman who I eventually recognized as a friend of my wife's, who speaks no English, asking me a basic grammar question. Puzzled, I informed her that it was 1 in the goddamned morning.

I woke up to 8 missed calls and 2 texts, all my wife. She had gotten mega drunk, had her friend call to see if I was awake, then decided to taxi out to my place and get stopped at the door at 2:30AM.

This really upset me. I tried to go back to the apartment with her. She was the one who got all sullen and upset that I can't forget regular 4AM shriekfests about the washing machine making a beeping noise, or being kicked in the ribs for snoring, or for eventually being made to sleep on the office room floor for 3 years because of the snoring.

Now she decides that, after telling me to go find my own place, I just need to go back to the apartment with her and this time I have all the time I need.

I told her we need to in person, and set a tike, but she keeps trying to rush it or talk over text and occasionally gets passive aggressive about it and whines about how I have it so easy, not needing to be a parent anymore. This just sucks so much.

It isn't all bad. I deal with heartache and stress the same way. Both cause me to become just useless if I don't release the stress daily, so I started doing the Cavefish routine from W&W's bodybuilding thread.

I had already been down 20kg thanks to the fat people thread and about a year of p90x, and given how frequently I'm hitting the gym these days, I'm starting to cut a pretty nice shape. I've been getting on Tinder and getting about 3 dates a week, which is far, far better than I have ever done with online dating apps.

I'm starting to sleep better again, and my appetite is back, so I'm starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel. The anon confession thread is a big help. It's good to see people totally removed from me react to the situation from a clear perspective.

lol at the entire drunk-dial gambit

"Hey, I know you never talk to my ex, but could you call him to see if he's asleep so I can show up drunk at his place?"
"Uh, what should I say it's about?"
"I don't care, make something up."
"Make something up? It's after midnight."
"I don't care. Make. Something. Up."
"Alright, whatever. Test results: he was asleep."
"Ok, thanks. I'm still going over there lol"

Anyway I was gonna say you should maybe look into getting a sleep apnea mask, but if you're losing a bunch of weight honestly that should help regardless. Good on you for continuing to stay away from both of these women because both of them seem horrible for you.

Here's a short story about aliens:

quote:

The US government has been stalking me for decades and ruining my life all because of something I saw as a kid.

I saw a real life MiB (man in Black). There had been UFO sightings on the news. Even as a kid I thought it was too many people watching X Files and imagining things. But the government sent a MiB there, I guess to investigate anyway.

I was riding my bike home from school and stopped at a 7-11 for candy. I get in there and a tall guy in a black suit grabs my shoulder. Starts asking me weird questions. Then tells me that it�s best just to stop talking about aliens. I rush out of there without my candy and ride my bike the 5 miles home.

When I get there another MiB is in the living room with my parents. He has a metal box on the coffee table with s little spinning disc on top, which he told me later was to �detect radiation�.

My parents tell me he�s Agent John Butterman from the FBI investigating if there was a crashed Russian plane causing the UFO sightings. He�s there maybe 30 minutes and explains everything. At one point he scratched his leg and I saw he wore bright purple socks and there was a weird lump above his ankle.

When he left he hugged my parents, then apologized and said a handshake was probably better. Then he shook their hands and left with that box.

I see him get into his car which was driven by the guy I saw at 7-11. That guy smiled at me and I realized he had no teeth, I just saw gums.

3 days later I was at school and daydreaming, looking out the window at the soccer field. I see 4 guys in black suits standing there. I tell my teacher, who calls the groundskeeper. Groundskeeper goes out there and the guys run into the woods. Everybody was it, so I wasn�t imagining this. We were on lockdown for hours while the cops searched the woods.

A week or so later I was camping out in the backyard at night. I hear something crunching leaves and think it�s my dog. I call for him. In return I hear a high pitched male voice say �Oh nooooooo, oooohhhhhh nooooooooooo, oooohhhh nooooooo� again and again and again. Like Mr. Bill, itbsounded rxactlt like that. I turn on my lantern and flashlight and spot an MiB halfway between my tent and the house. Crouched down and digging in the dirt with a little chrome looking shovel. I turn the light on him and he calmly gets up and walks away.

I have been plagued with events like this ever since, 25 years later. At least once every 2-3 months I�ll see an MiB. I get weird phone calls where people with weird voices, or sometimes odd recordings, tell me to stop asking questions.

I found a listening device in a new apartment in college. When i found it I heard a car speed away outside.

I stayed at a hotel last summer in Chicago. The guy at the front desk told me a �group of guys in suits� kept asking what room I was in. He called the cops on them after the 3rd time and they all left then.

I installed a pool at my mom�s house and while I was doing it an MiB pulled up. He rolled down the window and said �nice day for an ice dip, wouldn�t you say?�. Then he drove away.

I was flying to Philadelphia and a guy on the plane kept walking past me. He dropped a pack of gum and very loudly said �no gum is worth that bend, that�s for sure� and just walked off. When I got off the plane I ran to baggage to avoid him. While I was waiting for my bag I saw him standing there, and he was eating a bag of peanuts without taking them out of the shells.

These are 25 years of events and don�t happen daily, weekly, or even monthly. But they happen enough that I believe I am being targeted. I�ve never seen a UFO in my life, and this is the first time I�ve written down so many of the MiB events.

I would love a rational explanation for this.

I kind of like the idea that the government employs a bunch of indistinguishable guys in suits to follow people who go to 7-11 to get candy around randomly for decades

Your tax dollars at work

# ? Jul 25, 2018 18:53

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

loquacius posted:

I kind of like the idea that the government employs a bunch of indistinguishable guys in suits to follow people who go to 7-11 to get candy around randomly for decades

Your tax dollars at work

MIB stalkee is probably Hispanic, such is the world we live in now

# ? Jul 25, 2018 19:12

Cory Parsnipson: Nov 15, 2015

Ahahahaha they're not even doing anything useful. They're just being really weird.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 19:30

DocBubonic: Mar 11, 2003; Tempora mutantur, et nos mutamur in illis

quote:

I would love a rational explanation for this.

Rational explanation? Its all fake? I love reading these crazy stories like this, but the people making up these stories should step up their game and attach pictures of "proof" to make things more interesting.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 19:39

The Mighty Moltres: Dec 21, 2012; Come! We must fly!

I saw a bunch of men in black once, it was during my grandma's funeral and they were crying. The weirdest part was they all looked exactly like my uncles and even my own father :tinfoil:

# ? Jul 25, 2018 21:07

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

I'm picturing four guys in black suits standing awkwardly in a field trying to remember what their mission was again and as soon as the groundskeeper rounds the corner they freak out and scooby-doo run their way into the woods.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 21:31

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

The Mighty Moltres posted:

I saw a bunch of men in black once, it was during my grandma's funeral and they were crying. The weirdest part was they all looked exactly like my uncles and even my own father

Do you still see these people? At family gatherings and such? You could be getting stalked by the government.

# ? Jul 25, 2018 21:32

mkultra419: May 4, 2005; Modern Day Alchemist; Pillbug

Guessing the writer listens to Last Podcast on the Left...

drat it, you've just made the tulpa stronger you fool!

# ? Jul 25, 2018 21:39

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

wesleywillis posted:

Do you still see these people? At family gatherings and such? You could be getting stalked by the government.

Gangstalked no less!

# ? Jul 25, 2018 22:13

The Mighty Moltres: Dec 21, 2012; Come! We must fly!

wesleywillis posted:

Do you still see these people? At family gatherings and such? You could be getting stalked by the government.

No! Not anymore anyway. The last remaining one who was there was buried three years ago, I made sure of it. Since then, they haven't bothered me.

# ? Jul 26, 2018 07:08

Kosmo Gallion: Sep 13, 2013

no gum is worth that bend, that's for sure.

drat, this is my new favourite fesh, congratulations MiB goon.

# ? Jul 26, 2018 10:44

Android Blues: Nov 22, 2008

I absolutely love that the MiB following this goon just sound like old white dads with awkward habits, but also they're stalking him.

# ? Jul 26, 2018 11:07

Theophany: Jul 22, 2014; SUCCHIAMI IL MIO CAZZO DA DIETRO, RANA RAGAZZO

2022 FIA Formula 1 WDC

I'm imagining all the MiB stalkers to be Tommy Lee Jones at different stages of his career.

# ? Jul 26, 2018 11:40

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

The Mighty Moltres posted:

No! Not anymore anyway. The last remaining one who was there was buried three years ago, I made sure of it. Since then, they haven't bothered me.

You better make sure that their deaths were accidents, (or natural causes I guess), else, the gub'mint will find out and send more people after you.

# ? Jul 26, 2018 13:22

Farg: Nov 19, 2013

How do I get these cool MIB jobs

# ? Jul 26, 2018 13:47

New Wave Jose: Aug 20, 2008

mkultra419 posted:

Guessing the writer listens to Last Podcast on the Left...

I was thinking the exact same thing

# ? Jul 26, 2018 14:53

OutOfPrint: Apr 9, 2009; Fun Shoe

New Wave Jose posted:

I was thinking the exact same thing

OP even hits all of the weird details from that series. At this point, creative writing goons should realize that other people here probably listen to the same podcasts as they do.

# ? Jul 26, 2018 15:25

Son of Man: Jan 29, 2003; by Azathoth

Farg posted:

How do I get these cool MIB jobs

pull out your teeth

and cut off your dick

# ? Jul 26, 2018 17:48

Farg: Nov 19, 2013

Son of Man posted:

pull out your teeth

and cut off your dick

2/3rds of the way there already!

# ? Jul 26, 2018 18:55

DandyLion: Jun 24, 2010; disrespectul Deciever

Farg posted:

2/3rds of the way there already!

Big Dick Brag

# ? Jul 26, 2018 19:40

Cubone: May 26, 2011; Because it never leaves its bedroom, no one has ever seen this poster's real face.

being awkward has been a MiB trait since way back when� misunderstanding ordinary customs, body parts not functioning properly... that's why g-man in half-life talked the way he did. it's supposed to make them seem like they've not quite fully adjusted to being human, which makes your mind run wild with what they might be

I've always found those descriptions unsettling, but now I'm picturing them stumbling around like Baman Piderman

# ? Jul 26, 2018 20:23

H.H: Oct 24, 2006; August is the Cruelest Month

Hi. Sorry for my absence, my apartment was unlivable for a few days due to a gas leak.
I hope to help with confessions starting from tomorrow.

In the meantime, contemplate the removal of your genitals.

# ? Jul 28, 2018 12:29

Son of Man: Jan 29, 2003; by Azathoth

H.H posted:

In the meantime, contemplate the removal of your genitals.

hmmmmmm....

hunh.

hmmmmmmmmm.........

# ? Jul 28, 2018 14:18

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# ? May 12, 2024 23:15

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

H.H posted:

In the meantime, contemplate the removal of your genitals.

Blessed

# ? Jul 28, 2018 14:20

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