/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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Shnag: Dec 8, 2010; "I'll be whatever I wanna do!"

LadyPictureShow posted:

I�d say calling her family would be the first move after getting out of harm�s way and going from there, but a few years ago I called my dad because I was panicking about something that wasn�t actually happening (trazadone was reacting with my antidepressants) and he just proceeded to insult me and tell me that I sounded like �I was at the end of my rope and needed to be locked up�; which did the opposite of making me go to a doctor of the ER.

You just gotta boot strap your way through mental health issues, don't you know? :downs:

edit: oops new page. Some content

quote:

Boyfriend (25M) got asked out for coffee by a girl (20s?) he met while ordering food who is from his home country, I'd (25F) like it to be clear before they meet up that it's not a date. He thinks this is unreasonable. Thoughts?Relationships

We've both put our feelings in the post, so there's no "side with the OP" bias, and we'll both be reading the replies. We've also read over what the other has written and don't object to anything the other has said.

My stance: My boyfriend (of 3+ years, forgot to mention that) is from a small European country and some time a couple of weeks ago, he met a father and daughter from his country while getting food. They chatted for a bit and then exchanged information and went their separate ways. A couple of days ago, she emailed him telling him a little more about herself and asking if he wanted to grab a coffee sometime.

The girl said that while she's from their country, she didn't grow up there, he thinks she grew up in Italy. For this reason, I don't really think she's longing for someone else from their country because culturally the country he's from and Italy are very, very different, but that's just my opinion.

Now, I am in no way saying he can't go. I would just like it to be clear beforehand that it's not a date, since asking someone to get coffee with you is a pretty common type of date in the US. He disagrees. He feels like it's fine for him to just tell her once he gets there that he's in a relationship and thinks it's not fair that I want it to be established beforehand that this isn't a date. I don't think he should just blurt out that he has a girlfriend in the email, just that there are ways of mentioning it even casually so she has the information, but doesn't feel like he's shoving it in her face or being presumptuous.

He's kind of conflated my position on this with him hanging out with any woman 1 x 1, which is not how I feel at all. Coworker asks to get drinks after work? Go for it. Click with a friend of a friend during a group hang out and want to hang out later? Sure! But this I feel is different since it's a random person from the street and he doesn't know her intentions, so I'd just like it to be clear beforehand. He says that there's no way to naturally bring it up, but I disagree, I think it can come up even while chatting back and forth before going out. He says he'll say it if I come up with a natural way to do it, but I don't think it should be on me to figure out how he should phrase it to make himself more comfortable with it. He thinks if he tells her beforehand she'll find it weird, and won't want to go.

Another thing that somewhat bothers me: He has friends here in the city from his country, but he doesn't want to invite them. He feels like that particular friend dominates conversations. Also, people from his country visit regularly and he usually tries to avoid hanging out with them because he doesn't care much that they're from the same country, so it's strange to me that he's so adamant that he should be able to meet up with this person just because they're from the same place now. He's not starved for attention from people from his country, he very regularly (daily) gets to speak the language. So I don't know why this is such a big deal that he gets to meet up with this random stranger from there.

I don't think either stance is entirely unreasonable, exactly, but he finds my position unreasonable when really for me it's a matter of comfort and not knowing the intentions of this other person. Maybe she does think it's a date and if she found out he's in a relationship she wouldn't be interested in going at all. He thinks nothing changes if he just waits until he's there to tell her that if it comes up naturally in the conversation.

His stance: I am from a small European country, so it's extremely rare for me to meet someone random from my country here in the US. A couple of weeks ago, I heard a girl and her father talk in my languages, so I talked to them, and I gave her my email. She has now reached out to me and wants to go grab a drink. While I don't care about people from my country in general, her story sounds interesting so I was down to meet up.

My girlfriend thinks that I should specify that it's not a date beforehand. I don't see why that would be necessary, as I can just bring it up almost immediately when the conversation starts as I live and do pretty much everything with my girlfriend. Plus, I don't see how I can do it naturally, as I didn't think it had a chance of it being a date so I feel awkward randomly stating that it's not a date when, the way I see it, someone just invited me to share some stories and talk. I think that telling her that this would not be a date would make her think I am weird and not want to meet up.

TLDR: Girl from boyfriend's home country met him on the street with her dad, asked weeks later if he wants to grab a coffee sometime. I'd like it to be established beforehand that this is not a date, as he's in a relationship but he thinks this is unreasonable and he doesn't want to. We'll both be reading the replies, so just curious about what other people think in this scenario. Thanks!

Edit: Thanks everyone for your input! I think my boyfriend has completely come around to the little bit of awkwardness being worth my feeling totally cool with this hang out (and that she could view this as a date), especially since there were a lot of great suggestions about how to bring it up without it being strange. We really appreciate everyone taking the time out to comment, and will continue to read what everyone has to say. Thank you!

It would be pretty awkward to specify something is not date, at the same time I don't know what this guys plan really is.

Shnag fucked around with this message at 17:01 on Aug 28, 2018

# ? Aug 28, 2018 16:54

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# ? May 30, 2024 23:42

Lockback: Sep 3, 2006; All days are nights to see till I see thee; and nights bright days when dreams do show me thee.

quote:

If she's this worried about you cheating, I wonder if SHE'S cheating. A lot of times cheaters obsess over their partners cheating, either because they feel guilty or else they assume everyone cheats and they want to catch you first...

Maybe SHE'S the immortal insect person, it's normal to accuse others first.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 17:05

Yawgmoth: Sep 10, 2003; This post is cursed!

Lockback posted:

Maybe SHE'S the immortal insect person, it's normal to accuse others first.

smh if u wouldnt date a bug girl

# ? Aug 28, 2018 17:16

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

*bug beautiful woman

# ? Aug 28, 2018 17:19

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Yawgmoth posted:

smh if u wouldnt date a bug girl

Gonna suck when your penis cant penetrate her abdomens exoskeleton and she starts unfavorably comparing you to her ex

# ? Aug 28, 2018 17:19

Meme Poker Party: Sep 1, 2006; by Azathoth

Wanna caress that carapace.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 17:25

Taima: Dec 31, 2006; tfw you're peeing next to someone in the lineup and they don't know

This guy is obviously a huge idiot for not involving police right away.

There should be a level of police intervention where they just come and semi-violently shake you. For like 30 uninterrupted, solid seconds. Then after the 30 seconds, you get told why you are a moron.

"Sir, I just shook the gently caress out of you because you didn't call the police after your wife had a schizophrenic break. That was stupid as hell. Please refrain from being so stupid in the future".

Being recklessly idiotic isn't a crime, per se. But we need to make it clear to these people that what they did wasn't ok and reflected poorly on them as an individual. Hence, you shake them, a LOT. Officially.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 17:33

InediblePenguin: Sep 27, 2004; I'm strong. And a giant penguin. Please don't eat me. No, really. Don't try.

"there should be a level of police intervention where they're actually, officially SUPPOSED to assault you" is the whitest thing I've read today

# ? Aug 28, 2018 18:04

Arturia: Jan 24, 2017; Can't stop clicking circles

InediblePenguin posted:

"there should be a level of police intervention where they're actually, officially SUPPOSED to assault you" is the whitest thing I've read today

Is joke

# ? Aug 28, 2018 18:06

Clark Nova: Jul 18, 2004

Maybe if the cops got to go rough up annoying people at the behest of their relatives all the time they wouldn't go shoot black teenagers? :shrug:

# ? Aug 28, 2018 18:08

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

"Ugh this job is killing me"

"Wow I cant believe you're accusing your employer of attempted murder that's real hosed up"

# ? Aug 28, 2018 18:08

Xenocides: Jan 14, 2008; This world looks very scary....

Ahhhh....young idiots.

quote:

[22/f] my boyfriend asked an amateur porn poster for nudes but he thought I�d be okay with it

So: I am bisexual and we regularly watch porn together and talk about hot women. Recently we had a conversation about nudes. I said I thought nudity isn�t a big deal and that nudes can be artistic and beautiful and there�s nothing wrong with being a nude model/fetish model/undies model while in a relationship. Should add he is a bit socially awkward, as am I.

He disagreed and said he wouldn�t be okay with me doing that because he�d feel like I was sharing part of myself with someone else. I say �it�s just a picture�. I�m talking hypotheticals here, I�m not a nude model.

Anyway today he comes to me upset. Says he wanted to try to be open about nudity and so when browsing a porn forum, he saw a girl he thought we�d both like. He asked her for nudes. He immediately felt awful, blocked her and told me about it. He said he wanted to be more open like I am but just can�t be.

And...I hit the roof. Said it�s made me feel insecure and worthless and like I�m not good enough. He was mortified and said he feels like poo poo and regrets it, he just wanted me to not think he was conservative about nudes.

Looking back...I�m in the wrong, aren�t I? I gave him the impression this was okay...

We�ve since talked and I�ve told him that a) he doesn�t have to do things he�s uncomfortable with to impress me/because I like them and b) that it�s not okay for either of us to do that.

Any advice? I really feel like poo poo.

TL;DR I said nudity wasn�t a big deal, he disagreed but tried to be more �open� by asking a porn poster for nudes for both of us and we both feel bad

And my favorite comment:

quote:

So eager

Just don't tell him how you support legalization of hard drugs or he might try to impress you by picking up a heroin habit.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 18:36

My Imaginary GF: Jul 17, 2005; by R. Guyovich

Shnag posted:

You just gotta boot strap your way through mental health issues, don't you know?

edit: oops new page. Some content

It would be pretty awkward to specify something is not date, at the same time I don't know what this guys plan really is.

A few weeks ago, my girlfriend met a girl adopted from the European country right next to hers. Adopted girl proceeded to drunkenly hit on my girlfriend and exchange numbers.

The key is to discuss boundaries and have trust with your partner. I trust my girlfriend not to have an affair with adopted European girl. Whether this girl can trust her boyfriend, I think, depends entirely upon where the boyfriend is from.

France? He's planning a menagerie a trios. Belgian? Don't trust a country that surrenders to Germany rather than fight it out. Germany? He won't cheat. Austria? Perfidious things come out of perfidious Austria. Eastern European? Time to send him to men's school.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 19:05

Milotic: Mar 4, 2009; 9CL apologist; Slippery Tilde

It�s been a long day of computer touching, so let�s start with a downer

Girlfriend [24F] had a mean, physically abusive PoS of a father and is insecure about scars he left her. How do I [25M] reassure her?

quote:

u/MaterialTechnician
Dude apparently was super duper religious fanatic and instilled a lot of shame in her for things like her period, her sexuality. He would inspect her underwear to make sure she wasn't dressing like a "low life". Just, crazy, crazy poo poo.

She said he would yank her arms really hard if she so much as didn't call him "Sir" when he thought it was appropriate.

Mom was apparently a passive and abused as well.

She has two cigarrette burn scars on her back and several whipping scars, long thin scars that cover her back in different directions. Has a few other of the same scars on the back of her thighs.

We have been dating for 3 months and have had sex for 1 month. When we are in bed, she doesn't want me to kiss her back and when we go out she doesn't wear skirts or shirts where the back is partially revealed because the scars are pretty noticeable. She hasn't seen her parents in I think 5 years.

In general, she is very balanced but she reacted very strongly whenever I unwittingly tried to tell her she would look well with this or that, or tried to focus on her back during intimacy, so that can't be good right?

It really breaks my heart. I wish she could love herself, but also I can't imagine the trauma of living with a monster like that, you know? What can I do to support her, and reassure her that she is beautiful and I don't care about any scars?

tl;dr: GF's father was extremely abusive of her and she still deals with the emotional trauma today. How can I support her?

This is a person who genuinely needs therapy, you need to support her and respect her boundaries, which you look like you�re doing. Keep at it.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 19:37

Milotic: Mar 4, 2009; 9CL apologist; Slippery Tilde

Commenters are reading a lot into this one and tearing into him:

My girlfriend [27F] of three years remodeled my [29M] apartment while I was on a business trip. I hate it but don't know how to tell her I want to undo most of the changes.

quote:

\u/ky_homme
I did tell her that she could change some things if it would make her feel more comfortable, because I know she's been very homesick lately after moving from her home state so she could be with me, but I never said she could redo everything or even make these kinds of extreme changes. I thought she'd probably change out a few pieces of furniture, pick new blinds and perhaps do some light painting. The point being I was not expecting major changes to my apartment.

When I came back from my trip, everything had been changed. She had all of the rooms other than the common areas painted. She bought an entirely new set of furniture for the living room and new stools for the bar area in the kitchen. Everything has been reorganized and resorted as well, so I can't find anything anymore. It is awful.

I also hate how light the apartment looks now. I prefer darker colors, but she likes less "drab" colors.

What may be the worst thing though is that she's ruined my office and my man cave because she wanted a guest bedroom. My office is now so full that I barely have room to do anything.

I'm not sure how to undo some of the changes without hurting her feelings. She did put a lot of effort into it, and everyone loves it except me, but it doesn't feel like my home anymore. How do I start a conversation with her about this in a way that won't upset her? At the very least, I'd like my office back and to go back to darker colors for our bedspread and bedroom.

As a side note, the reason I am posting here is because my best friend seems to think I'm being a control freak and should learn to adjust. He thinks that what I'm really fighting is learning to co-habitat full time with her. I strongly disagree with him, but I'm open to reconsidering if other people also agree with is assessment.

tl;dr: My gf remodeled my apartment while I was away on business. I hate the changes but don't know how to tell her I want to change things back (at least partially) without offending her. How do I do that?

I think the girlfriend probably should have consulted a hell of a lot more before doing a DIY SOS.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 19:43

Rubellavator: Aug 16, 2007

Milotic posted:

Commenters are reading a lot into this one and tearing into him:

My girlfriend [27F] of three years remodeled my [29M] apartment while I was on a business trip. I hate it but don't know how to tell her I want to undo most of the changes.

I think the girlfriend probably should have consulted a hell of a lot more before doing a DIY SOS.

I'm reminded of the guy who told his housesitting friend to make himself at home and the guy ate hundreds of dollars worth of groceries over a week.

Sitcom style misunderstandings are never as funny firsthand.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 19:50

InediblePenguin: Sep 27, 2004; I'm strong. And a giant penguin. Please don't eat me. No, really. Don't try.

Chaosfirev posted:

Is joke

yeah, and it's a really white joke

# ? Aug 28, 2018 19:50

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

Milotic posted:

It�s been a long day of computer touching, so let�s start with a downer

Girlfriend [24F] had a mean, physically abusive PoS of a father and is insecure about scars he left her. How do I [25M] reassure her?

This is a person who genuinely needs therapy, you need to support her and respect her boundaries, which you look like you�re doing. Keep at it.

Does he say in the comments whether she's already done therapy? Because it sounds like where she is is a totally reasonable place to be after therapy: severed from her parents, "in general, she is very balanced," but she doesn't want to wear backless tops in public and doesn't want him to focus on her back in bed. Imo that sounds like what healthy could look like in this situation.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 19:52

Blatzmobile: Nov 1, 2012; This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

Milotic posted:

Commenters are reading a lot into this one and tearing into him:

My girlfriend [27F] of three years remodeled my [29M] apartment while I was on a business trip. I hate it but don't know how to tell her I want to undo most of the changes.

I think the girlfriend probably should have consulted a hell of a lot more before doing a DIY SOS.

Either he was on a super long business trip or she is one efficient decorator, it takes me and the wife like a month to pick out a new lamp.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 19:55

Arturia: Jan 24, 2017; Can't stop clicking circles

Milotic posted:

Commenters are reading a lot into this one and tearing into him:

My girlfriend [27F] of three years remodeled my [29M] apartment while I was on a business trip. I hate it but don't know how to tell her I want to undo most of the changes.

I think the girlfriend probably should have consulted a hell of a lot more before doing a DIY SOS.

It's possible he's overexaggerating but at face value this does seem like a lot. He might be being a bit selfish for wanting to keep the "man cave" but she was also selfish in changing everything to be what only she wanted.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 19:55

Barudak: May 7, 2007

I think what youre all skipping over is neither of these two people understand finances even a little bit.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 20:02

Smirking_Serpent: Aug 27, 2009

My [M 50s] wife [F 50s] of 23 years is under investigation for inappropriate relationship with a student. We both teach at the same university.

Like the title says, my wife is currently the subject of an investigation into one of her graduate students' allegations that my wife behaved inappropriately towards her. The student is 24. My wife has been placed on leave until the conclusions of the investigation.

The accusations include "sexting" from my wife to the student, suggestion that she might receive better letters of recommendation from my wife in exchange for sexual favors, unprofessional settings for meetings ostensibly about the student's upcoming MA thesis proposal (bars, our house when I was away for a weekend), and inappropriate physical contact like massages and comparing bra sizes.

From what I understand, things went south as soon as my wife made sex a condition of the recommendation letters. That was the point where the student reported everything. I don't know to what extent everything before then was consensual. Usually in these cases, students can appear to be freely participating but in reality they feel pressured to go along with it to protect their grades and careers. There is a power imbalance.

My wife swears it was consensual and that the student initated it. You can rest assured I do not take that at face value. Like the title says, I'm also a professor at this school, although in a very different department. I'm not oblivious to the reality of inappropriate relationships between students and the older people who are supposed to be their mentors. The reality is that there is an undeniable element of coercion at play.

I have asked my wife to stay elsewhere while this is sorted out because I have a lot of thinking to do.

Regardless of what the committee concludes, my wife definitively cheated. From there the additional possibilities only get worse. I'm more or less decided that I'll soon be speaking to a divorce lawyer.

My question is not about what to do with my wife, but with my colleagues. It's known that we're married. I imagine it's known in her department why she is on leave. The fall semester is about to start, and I'm dreading being the subject of gossip. My reputation will now be "the husband of that woman who harassed her student." Or, among a sympathetic minority in her department, perhaps "the guy who divorced his wife over a false allegation."

I'm wary of talking about this with anyone I know in my personal life. I'm a pretty private person. I keep a strong boundary between my personal and professional lives. Unfortunately this situation has probably broken that down.

I'd be grateful for any advice on how to respond to anyone at school who brings this up.

Lastly, and I'm not sure it even matters now, but there's the issue of all the ways my wife broke my trust. It's not just the cheating, it's also how she always presented herself as someone ethically offended by teacher-student relationships. She had never given me reason to think she was anything other than staunchly opposed, as you'd hope and expect from anyone working in education. I feel she betrayed me in terms of her values, not just her fidelity. Leading me for years to think she believed something that she then acted opposite of. She also kept her sexual orientation a secret from me - she always identified as straight, didn't give any signs contrary.

Is it even worth trying to make sense of who she is as a person given all those deceptions? I feel completely lost underneath the anger, like I never actually knew her. I don't understand it.

TL;DR: My wife is under investigation for having an inappropriate relationship with a student. I'm struggling with how to navigate it with colleagues who know both of us. I'm also struggling with figuring out my wife's true character.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 20:13

Blatzmobile: Nov 1, 2012; This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

Smirking_Serpent posted:

My [M 50s] wife [F 50s] of 23 years is under investigation for inappropriate relationship with a student. We both teach at the same university.

Like the title says, my wife is currently the subject of an investigation into one of her graduate students' allegations that my wife behaved inappropriately towards her. The student is 24. My wife has been placed on leave until the conclusions of the investigation.

The accusations include "sexting" from my wife to the student, suggestion that she might receive better letters of recommendation from my wife in exchange for sexual favors, unprofessional settings for meetings ostensibly about the student's upcoming MA thesis proposal (bars, our house when I was away for a weekend), and inappropriate physical contact like massages and comparing bra sizes.

From what I understand, things went south as soon as my wife made sex a condition of the recommendation letters. That was the point where the student reported everything. I don't know to what extent everything before then was consensual. Usually in these cases, students can appear to be freely participating but in reality they feel pressured to go along with it to protect their grades and careers. There is a power imbalance.

My wife swears it was consensual and that the student initated it. You can rest assured I do not take that at face value. Like the title says, I'm also a professor at this school, although in a very different department. I'm not oblivious to the reality of inappropriate relationships between students and the older people who are supposed to be their mentors. The reality is that there is an undeniable element of coercion at play.

I have asked my wife to stay elsewhere while this is sorted out because I have a lot of thinking to do.

Regardless of what the committee concludes, my wife definitively cheated. From there the additional possibilities only get worse. I'm more or less decided that I'll soon be speaking to a divorce lawyer.

My question is not about what to do with my wife, but with my colleagues. It's known that we're married. I imagine it's known in her department why she is on leave. The fall semester is about to start, and I'm dreading being the subject of gossip. My reputation will now be "the husband of that woman who harassed her student." Or, among a sympathetic minority in her department, perhaps "the guy who divorced his wife over a false allegation."

I'm wary of talking about this with anyone I know in my personal life. I'm a pretty private person. I keep a strong boundary between my personal and professional lives. Unfortunately this situation has probably broken that down.

I'd be grateful for any advice on how to respond to anyone at school who brings this up.

Lastly, and I'm not sure it even matters now, but there's the issue of all the ways my wife broke my trust. It's not just the cheating, it's also how she always presented herself as someone ethically offended by teacher-student relationships. She had never given me reason to think she was anything other than staunchly opposed, as you'd hope and expect from anyone working in education. I feel she betrayed me in terms of her values, not just her fidelity. Leading me for years to think she believed something that she then acted opposite of. She also kept her sexual orientation a secret from me - she always identified as straight, didn't give any signs contrary.

Is it even worth trying to make sense of who she is as a person given all those deceptions? I feel completely lost underneath the anger, like I never actually knew her. I don't understand it.

TL;DR: My wife is under investigation for having an inappropriate relationship with a student. I'm struggling with how to navigate it with colleagues who know both of us. I'm also struggling with figuring out my wife's true character.

Dude! ask for a threesome!

# ? Aug 28, 2018 20:19

Ramadu: Aug 25, 2004; 2015 NFL MVP

Smirking_Serpent posted:

A half hour later I learned she thinks babies don't exist. People are born as small children and women actually give birth to an insectoid species who camoflauges itself to look like people.Then is swapped out with human children once they no longer need womens milk and that's why no one remembers being a baby????

this is the coolest sentence ive ever read in my life

# ? Aug 28, 2018 20:21

Baronjutter: Dec 31, 2007; "Tiny Trains"

Would the police do anything for that woman who's losing her mind? She's get her poo poo together to put a show on for the cops, or try to incriminate her partner. I remember a goon here had a whole E/N thread about his wife going insane and seeming totally out of it, but managing to get her poo poo together enough to file false reports and accuse him of being the dangerous abusive one.

When she's punching the wall until her knuckles bleed though, maybe you should really call someone. It can really depend on the police force too. The police in my city are quite trained for dealing with mental health issues, while others might result in her being violently arrested, or her making some poo poo up and getting him violently arrested. If either of them aren't white, good chance of getting shot too. Hell, the police straight up executed a mentally ill young girl recently whose parents called the police to stop her from self-harm. The cops came in fully aware of her medical situation and that she was only a danger to herself, saw she might have something sharp and wasn't instantly listening to their orders to stop being mentally ill, and decided execution was the best strategy.

That whole story made me so depressed because we've decided as a society that having a robust mental health system with the power to actually help people that are losing their minds BEFORE they hit rock bottom is oppressive and they deserve the "dignity" to have their life slowly crumble around them as they drive away everyone they love and end up on the street self-medicating in misery.

Baronjutter fucked around with this message at 20:31 on Aug 28, 2018

# ? Aug 28, 2018 20:28

Rubellavator: Aug 16, 2007

Woman who sits in the next row over at work who doesn't seem like the twitter/reddit type is talking about the $1500 wedding gift lady. It's going viral!

# ? Aug 28, 2018 20:41

Xenocides: Jan 14, 2008; This world looks very scary....

Hi main concern in the middle of a divorce precipitated by his wife trying to cheat on him is his personal reputation? Kudos for coolness in the midst of adversity I guess.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 20:41

Xenocides: Jan 14, 2008; This world looks very scary....

Rubellavator posted:

Woman who sits in the next row over at work who doesn't seem like the twitter/reddit type is talking about the $1500 wedding gift lady. It's going viral!

I saw it on a grognard forum full of olds. They are all humble bragging about how little they spent on their weddings.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 20:43

Yawgmoth: Sep 10, 2003; This post is cursed!

Xenocides posted:

Ahhhh....young idiots.

And my favorite comment:

guys I told my boyfriend that being a porn star is no big deal and nudes are just pictures, then blew up on him when he almost got nudes from a porn star???

help???

# ? Aug 28, 2018 20:44

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Yawgmoth posted:

guys I told my boyfriend that being a porn star is no big deal and nudes are just pictures, then blew up on him when he almost got nudes from a porn star???

help???

It seemed like a classic case of "it's okay when I do it but not when you do it" at first but the resolution made it seem like a regular garden-variety "this idea sounded cool in theory but then in practice it was terrible and I hate myself for thinking it" type deal

# ? Aug 28, 2018 20:47

My Imaginary GF: Jul 17, 2005; by R. Guyovich

Rubellavator posted:

I'm reminded of the guy who told his housesitting friend to make himself at home and the guy ate hundreds of dollars worth of groceries over a week.

Sitcom style misunderstandings are never as funny firsthand.

I once housecat for a member of my temple. I didn't dare touch their food/drink, even tho they told me anything in the fridge was fair game. Know why?

Leverage. We went to temple together, I was new to the community, and they belonged to one of the top five wealthiest families in the state. I wanted to impress that person to develop a future max donor relationship.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 20:51

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Rubellavator posted:

Woman who sits in the next row over at work who doesn't seem like the twitter/reddit type is talking about the $1500 wedding gift lady. It's going viral!

My brother tells me it was on NPR this morning

# ? Aug 28, 2018 20:58

Subjunctive: Sep 12, 2006; ✨sparkle and shine✨

Xenocides posted:

I saw it on a grognard forum full of olds. They are all humble bragging about how little they spent on their weddings.

Yeah, I saw it in BFC too.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 20:58

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

My Imaginary GF posted:

I once housecat for a member of my temple. I didn't dare touch their food/drink, even tho they told me anything in the fridge was fair game. Know why?

Leverage. We went to temple together, I was new to the community, and they belonged to one of the top five wealthiest families in the state. I wanted to impress that person to develop a future max donor relationship.

So do you meow your way into or out of rooms, or both in this situation

# ? Aug 28, 2018 20:59

MrQwerty: Apr 15, 2003; LOVE IS BEAUTIFUL (づ￣ �￣)づ♥(�∀�●)

Ebola Roulette posted:

All the OP said was that she didn't want people overstaying their welcome when they visit the newborn and that she didn't want people in the delivery room. Her mom immediately flips out and cries about being alienated from a relationship with a 12 week old fetus and accuses OP of being crazy. I don't think OP is the exhausting one.

the OP's writing style sure is loving exhausting

# ? Aug 28, 2018 21:00

hevnz 2 murgatroyd: Apr 13, 2018; by Smythe

Smirking_Serpent posted:

My [M 50s] wife [F 50s] of 23 years is under investigation for inappropriate relationship with a student. We both teach at the same university.

This is now my favourite episode of Frasier.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 21:00

Xenocides: Jan 14, 2008; This world looks very scary....

Subjunctive posted:

Yeah, I saw it in BFC too.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 21:07

Arturia: Jan 24, 2017; Can't stop clicking circles

Smirking_Serpent posted:

My [M 50s] wife [F 50s] of 23 years is under investigation for inappropriate relationship with a student. We both teach at the same university.

Like the title says, my wife is currently the subject of an investigation into one of her graduate students' allegations that my wife behaved inappropriately towards her. The student is 24. My wife has been placed on leave until the conclusions of the investigation.

The accusations include "sexting" from my wife to the student, suggestion that she might receive better letters of recommendation from my wife in exchange for sexual favors, unprofessional settings for meetings ostensibly about the student's upcoming MA thesis proposal (bars, our house when I was away for a weekend), and inappropriate physical contact like massages and comparing bra sizes.

From what I understand, things went south as soon as my wife made sex a condition of the recommendation letters. That was the point where the student reported everything. I don't know to what extent everything before then was consensual. Usually in these cases, students can appear to be freely participating but in reality they feel pressured to go along with it to protect their grades and careers. There is a power imbalance.

My wife swears it was consensual and that the student initated it. You can rest assured I do not take that at face value. Like the title says, I'm also a professor at this school, although in a very different department. I'm not oblivious to the reality of inappropriate relationships between students and the older people who are supposed to be their mentors. The reality is that there is an undeniable element of coercion at play.

I have asked my wife to stay elsewhere while this is sorted out because I have a lot of thinking to do.

Regardless of what the committee concludes, my wife definitively cheated. From there the additional possibilities only get worse. I'm more or less decided that I'll soon be speaking to a divorce lawyer.

My question is not about what to do with my wife, but with my colleagues. It's known that we're married. I imagine it's known in her department why she is on leave. The fall semester is about to start, and I'm dreading being the subject of gossip. My reputation will now be "the husband of that woman who harassed her student." Or, among a sympathetic minority in her department, perhaps "the guy who divorced his wife over a false allegation."

I'm wary of talking about this with anyone I know in my personal life. I'm a pretty private person. I keep a strong boundary between my personal and professional lives. Unfortunately this situation has probably broken that down.

I'd be grateful for any advice on how to respond to anyone at school who brings this up.

Lastly, and I'm not sure it even matters now, but there's the issue of all the ways my wife broke my trust. It's not just the cheating, it's also how she always presented herself as someone ethically offended by teacher-student relationships. She had never given me reason to think she was anything other than staunchly opposed, as you'd hope and expect from anyone working in education. I feel she betrayed me in terms of her values, not just her fidelity. Leading me for years to think she believed something that she then acted opposite of. She also kept her sexual orientation a secret from me - she always identified as straight, didn't give any signs contrary.

Is it even worth trying to make sense of who she is as a person given all those deceptions? I feel completely lost underneath the anger, like I never actually knew her. I don't understand it.

TL;DR: My wife is under investigation for having an inappropriate relationship with a student. I'm struggling with how to navigate it with colleagues who know both of us. I'm also struggling with figuring out my wife's true character.

It's not an allegation if she already swears everything was "consensual"

It's not like she's denying it and I dont know anyone outside of friends with HUGE blinders on who would judge this dude for leaving her.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 21:08

wedgie deliverer: Oct 2, 2010

Chaosfirev posted:

It's not like she's denying it and I dont know anyone outside of friends with HUGE blinders on who would judge this dude for leaving her.

Thats sort of the thing with sexual abuse stuff - everyone has blinders on for people they care about and are friends with.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 21:22

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# ? May 30, 2024 23:42

Yawgmoth: Sep 10, 2003; This post is cursed!

My Imaginary GF posted:

I once housecat for a member of my temple.

# ? Aug 28, 2018 21:24

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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