Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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necroid: May 14, 2009

soy posted:

no poo poo, congrats on your functioning hormones at 30 if anything

wait is this serious? I'm in my early thirties and I never knew I should be preparing for a boner shortage

I'm bradycardic with low blood pressure, is that my secret?

# ? Feb 7, 2019 17:08

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# ? May 13, 2024 21:19

Nocheez: Sep 5, 2000; Can you spare a little cheddar?; Nap Ghost

necroid posted:

wait is this serious? I'm in my early thirties and I never knew I should be preparing for a boner shortage

I'm bradycardic with low blood pressure, is that my secret?

I also have low blood pressure (well, it's still normal but low for the average American) and I'm in my late 30s. I still get random boners and raging morning wood, but sometimes I wish it weren't so. We have an infant so the opportunity for sexytimes just isn't there anymore.

# ? Feb 7, 2019 17:11

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

The anonymous confession was that he's a 30 year old cashier. The boner stuff was just an aside.

# ? Feb 7, 2019 17:15

bagual: Oct 29, 2010; _{_{inconspicuous}}

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I'm a forty year old guy living out of a trailer and I couldn't be happier!

# ? Feb 7, 2019 17:50

El_Elegante: Jul 3, 2004; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS; Biscuit Hider

tactlessbastard posted:

The anonymous confession was that he's a 30 year old cashier. The boner stuff was just an aside.

That�s nice, dear.

# ? Feb 7, 2019 17:59

Admiralty Flag: Jun 7, 2007; to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2022

bagual posted:

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I'm a forty year old guy living out of a trailer and I couldn't be happier!

Hey, no spoilers from Zaurg�s future, dude!

# ? Feb 7, 2019 18:02

ALFbrot: Apr 17, 2002

Admiralty Flag posted:

Hey, no spoilers from Zaurg�s future, dude!

No, it said he was happy

# ? Feb 7, 2019 22:12

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

El_Elegante posted:

That’s nice, dear.

Just bag the groceries, please

# ? Feb 8, 2019 01:07

Odd: Dec 30, 2006; I think everybody just needs to maybe cool out a little maybe

Rad-daddio posted:

Wait, you all don't get random boners any more? I still do, just not to the point of inconvenience.

I don't get random boners but i do get sleepy peepy

# ? Feb 8, 2019 01:57

Mr. Sunshine: May 15, 2008; This is a scrunt that has been in space too long and become a Lunt (Long Scrunt); Fun Shoe

I get boners when I'm bored. Like, I'll be sitting half comatose in hour 2 of some goddamn 8-person meeting and my dick pops up and is like "Hey, this sucks. Wanna go gently caress something?" and I'm like "No, bad penis! Down!"

# ? Feb 8, 2019 12:43

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

weird, i always feel compelled to say wiiise fwom your gwaave

# ? Feb 8, 2019 15:19

soy: Jul 7, 2003; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

necroid posted:

wait is this serious? I'm in my early thirties and I never knew I should be preparing for a boner shortage

I'm bradycardic with low blood pressure, is that my secret?

only if your health sucks, in your mid 30s is when exercise and diet goes from something you do to look good to something you do so that you don't literally fall apart.

# ? Feb 8, 2019 17:46

Rad-daddio: Apr 25, 2017

Mr. Sunshine posted:

I get boners when I'm bored. Like, I'll be sitting half comatose in hour 2 of some goddamn 8-person meeting and my dick pops up and is like "Hey, this sucks. Wanna go gently caress something?" and I'm like "No, bad penis! Down!"

lmao

This literally happened to me yesterday. I thought I'd have to tuck that thing into my waist band to get out of there. Like rock loving hard erection while everyone was talking about FDA protocols and stuff.

# ? Feb 8, 2019 17:49

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

quote:

I committed thousands of dollars of health insurance fraud last year. All up I estimate I got $15,000 from fraudulent claims. My health insurance company did not require receipts up front, so I put in hundreds of fake claims.

I started out by doing one, and after I didn't get caught, I was claiming once a week. Fake dental, physio, psychology sessions, everything. I stopped once I realised I was probably going to end up being watched, cancelled my account by not paying (so I didn't have to answer any questions) and left it at that.

Yes, I know I'll probably get caught out, but I've made it very hard for them to find me. It's going to be a case of how badly they want their money back and how much time they're willing to put into it.

And I'm not even sorry.

I'm 100% in favor of people stealing from the rich however possible, good luck though because I suspect you will need it

# ? Feb 8, 2019 22:57

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Health insurance companies are run by and employ literal sociopaths who delight in finding loopholes to not give people money to those who need it. Stealing from them is a service to society.

# ? Feb 8, 2019 23:11

jobson groeth: May 17, 2018; by FactsAreUseless

Rad-daddio posted:

lmao

This literally happened to me yesterday. I thought I'd have to tuck that thing into my waist band to get out of there. Like rock loving hard erection while everyone was talking about FDA protocols and stuff.

I know we shouldn't kink shame but find a better kink.

# ? Feb 9, 2019 22:02

Gynovore: Jun 17, 2009; Forget your RoboCoX or your StickyCoX or your EvilCoX, MY CoX has Blinking Bewbs!

WHY IS THIS GAME DEAD?!

SciFiDownBeat posted:

Health insurance companies are run by and employ literal sociopaths who delight in finding loopholes to not give people money to those who need it. Stealing from them is a service to society.

Yeah this. For-profit health insurance is an idea straight from the mouth of the devil himself. Steal steal steal.

# ? Feb 9, 2019 22:19

TehRedWheelbarrow: Mar 16, 2011; Fan of Britches

# ? Feb 9, 2019 22:43

Sally: Jan 9, 2007; Don't post Small Dash!

saw this in another thread amd it made me think of this thread:

# ? Feb 10, 2019 22:05

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Boner goon: I got a random semi in a hardware store a couple weeks ago. I'm 39. I'm glad my poo poo still works.

Don't complain.

# ? Feb 10, 2019 22:50

sugar free jazz: Mar 5, 2008

Blind Sally posted:

saw this in another thread amd it made me think of this thread:

# ? Feb 10, 2019 22:51

Solice Kirsk: Jun 1, 2004; .

If you want a picture of the future imagine a knife chopping off a human dick, forever.

# ? Feb 11, 2019 05:41

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

Blind Sally posted:

saw this in another thread amd it made me think of this thread:

thank you for your service

# ? Feb 11, 2019 05:43

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I am honestly astonished to discover that I have content :eyepop:

quote:

I saw in the OP that detailing suicidal thoughts is not allowed, hopefully this doesn't count because it's not me, but if suicidal ideation or abuse is triggering to you then definitely skip this. I could really use some guidance or at least some moral support because I'm frazzled and at a loss for ideas.

My brother seems unwaveringly set on suicide within the next year or so.

My brother has had major depression for years and is in his mid-30's now. He has gone to many sessions of therapy. The therapists have explained to him that he feels so messed up and has depression, anxiety disorders and panic attacks because he never felt safe or loved as a kid. I as the older brother by a few years would torture him; hold him down and do a spitty-slurpy, or test out some new WWF wrestling moves on him against his will. One time I zapped him with a taser that I built from a disposable camera capacitor; I thought it would do a comical jolt but it acted more like putting out two cigarettes on his arm. I was a brat who picked on him out of boredom, and our parents didn't really do enough to break it up. I felt like our parents were both flawed but decent, he on the other hand despises our mother for never giving him any attention, coddling, protection or taking an interest in his interests. She still feels she did the best she could and won't offer him the apology he wants, as she feels it can't be sincere. Truth be told she wasn't very motherly; she left us as latchkey teens and while it worked fine for me, my brother says he feared every minute. When I was 18 he whipped something at my head to defend himself, and while running away from me I gave him a boot in the rear end while he was escaping down the stairs. He broke his fall with his head and got knocked out cold. I phoned 911 and that wake-up call was the longest wait of my life; I never laid a hand on him ever since. Once in a while when he's drunk he'll give me a haymaker to the shoulder and I just let him do it because he's entitled. We hang out once every week or two for movie night with friends and get along fine now. We laugh at each other's jokes and help each other out with errands and stuff. Deep down I know part of him hates me for what I was, but for the most part he loves me and I unreservedly love him dearly.

He's had two five-year relationships his whole life which he was completely dedicated to, each girl ended the relationship by cheating on him. The second time he threatened suicide while drunk at a party and his friends intervened and had him committed at a psych hospital for a few days which got his therapy rolling.

He has been prescribed every medication on the planet and according to him not a single one has helped. He's gone sober for a few months, and tried working out. He's even done some experimental stuff like ketamine. Finally he had the doctors agree to electro-convulsive therapy, which is not something they'll allow unless they're certain he's exhausted every other option. I used to work at a depression clinic so I'm educated to ECT and I've seen patients swear it saved their lives, so I supported my brother's decision and drove him to and from the hospital myself to help him with treatment. He said it worked for a week or two and lifted away all his depression, but it also left him with a good bit of memory loss. I observed him forgetting both short and long-term memories. Even though it was effective, he doesn't want to live a life where his memories of that life are being randomly deleted.

Which brings us to now. He's in rough shape, some nights he sleeps two hours and some he sleeps 14, but none of it is ever restful. He describes depression like working out at the gym and being on the rep that you fail; no matter how badly you want to finish it, your body has just reached it's limit and has to give out. But he's in that state almost every day. He tells me that he's not long for this world, he's gotten his will put together and his affairs in order, and he's going to try a last-ditch treatment that involves a some video game designed to treat depression. I think it is called Project Evo. He thinks it sounds lame and he's been putting it off because he knows once he tries it and it probably fails him, then he's exhausted every treatment known to man. At that point, he says he will fly off to some unknown country and try to end his life in a way that no one finds the body, apparently as a courtesy to us by leaving his ending with a question mark.

So that's it, my brother's life is now hinging on a phone app. He knows I would do anything in the world for him, he's running out of money since he sits at home and plays videogames all day. I would gladly pay all his bills for him, I can afford it easily, but he won't accept financial help as he views himself as a budren on society. He has tons of friends who love him and hang out with him as much as they can, and when he's actually working he is a brilliant engineer. I would gladly sit with him and spend time with him every day, but I obviously wear on his nerves the more time I'm around him; truthfully I'm the kind of personality who's best in small doses. What is there left for me to do? He has given this years of thought and I don't want to invalidate him. I'm optimistic that if he just holds out hope and keeps trying things, he'll find a solution one of these days. But he's clearly in pain and out of patience. I've spent most of my life as a happy-go-lucky person. I would do anything in the world to trade even a bit of my happiness over to him. As karma goes, I probably owe him all of it. I was an oblivious kid and I feel a lot of guilt for how easily I could have just left him alone. As hosed up as it is, maybe he's right that suicide is the logical option for him. Every ounce of my being won't accept that and I'll fight desperately to keep him on the planet, but maybe that's just me being selfish. Is it selfish to be optimistic, that if he just suffers for longer he can find a way out? What if I'm wrong? He is so resolute that he has me doubting myself now, which makes my encouragement to him falter. Sorry for the wall of text. I just love my brother and want him to be happy to be exist again.

I think probably the most important thing for you here is to not take on all of your brother's problems for yourself. I can understand why you'd feel responsible to an extent, and I can certainly understand why your brother's well-being would become this important to you, but there's only so much you can do.

I'm not a mental health professional or anything, but from where I sit it seems like the ECT is probably the best option. Memory loss is no joke, but neither is serious depression. I'm very aware that that's easy for me to say though :shrug:

I certainly have very low expectations for the phone game, please do not let that be the deciding factor here

quote:

Bless me thread for I am a goon,

I've developed a serious case of oneitis for a girl at work. Legit stunner, turns everyone's heads, way out of my league, gave me a tall girl fetish, etc. I know that it's completely retarded and that even if I magically became like Handsome Goodlooksman in the Tinder thread, I'd be too socially inept to pull it off. I've decided I'm just gonna use it to buy some gym equipment and try to stop being a 300lb mess, or else I'll just become a wizard and have a heart attack a few years later. Last throw of the dice for me, I reckon.

I've saved up for a multi-gym and a barbell, because: 1) really too shy to go to a gym, 2) have space at home for it and 3) getting a 9-5 job after being two years out of work has made me realise the amount of time I was wasting doing gently caress all, and that time after work is really precious to me. Would rather just gym at home, then drive to gym, shower, drive home, etc.

Wish me luck, goons. I might actually document my progress and report in the forum, if I achieve some measure of success and become a little more confident.

P.S. My dick is also small.

I mean yeah by all means engage in some self-improvement, gently caress, just don't make it all about this specific girl

There are other girls in the world that fit your physical-description standards, and it sounds like a lot of them are based on this specific girl so they're probably not 100% set in stone anyway honestly

# ? Feb 16, 2019 04:24

kalel: Jun 19, 2012

tbqh Handsome Goodlooksman should be banned from SA, no goon can be that beautiful

# ? Feb 16, 2019 07:46

Kosmo Gallion: Sep 13, 2013

I don't read the Tinder thread so I refuse to believe there is a handsome goon :colbert:

# ? Feb 16, 2019 10:19

jobson groeth: May 17, 2018; by FactsAreUseless

Breitbart Is Rightbart posted:

I don't read the Tinder thread so I refuse to believe there is a handsome goon

Not going to dox him but this is a reasonable approximation

# ? Feb 16, 2019 10:55

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

loquacius posted:

Would rather just gym at home, then drive to gym, shower, drive home, etc.

This seems inefficient.

# ? Feb 16, 2019 11:35

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

Breitbart Is Rightbart posted:

I don't read the Tinder thread so I refuse to believe there is a handsome goon

I know at least one. :smug:

# ? Feb 16, 2019 12:19

Acres of Quakers: May 6, 2006

jobson groeth posted:

Not going to dox him but this is a reasonable approximation

Picture needs a badass scarf.

# ? Feb 16, 2019 14:03

Pivotal Lever: Sep 9, 2003

therattle posted:

I know at least one.

Turn your monitor on :q:

...you win this round 'therattle'

# ? Feb 16, 2019 15:18

wesleywillis: Dec 30, 2016; SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

About to start exercising goon: Your dick might be looking small because you are as you say "a 300lb mess". You've probably got quite a bit of a gock.
My dong could probably look/be a bit bigger if I lost 20 pounds or so because I've got a gock too. If you can lose like a hundred pounds, I be you gain an inch. Like that inch is already there, its just that your gock is obscuring it.

# ? Feb 16, 2019 17:13