/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

the holy poopacy: May 16, 2009; hey! check this out; Fun Shoe

chitoryu12 posted:

AITA for thinking my sisters candle stick holders look like anal beads?

Great, I clicked on that product link and now Facebook thinks I'm some kind of pervert. I don't even want to know what the asscunty wine stopper is about.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 14:50

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# ? May 9, 2024 16:36

The Bramble: Mar 16, 2004

Flared on both ends??

# ? Jun 26, 2019 15:18

Power Khan: Aug 20, 2011; by Fritz the Horse

Hard to get in, hard to get out.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 15:21

DemoneeHo: Nov 9, 2017; Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca

Speaking of butt plugs...

I (32, M) put my girlfriend's (30, F) butt plug in my rear end and now I don't want to gently caress her in the rear end anymore

quote:

So, I've always liked anal sex. My girlfriend says she just like the taboo aspect of it, but she doesn't really crave it or doesn't really feel much pleasure. When we do it, I keep rubbing her clit so she can enjoy it more.

Because of that, I bought her toys to play with, like butt plugs etc, hoping she might start to enjoy the kinky side of it. We have used the plug for two years now, and it's cool to gently caress her pussy when she is plugged.

On a side note, I've always tried to put things in my rear end or my fingers but never really enjoyed it. Sometimes I wants to put things up there but when I try I never feel the pleasure I was hoping for.

Anyways, fast forward to last night. I was home alone and I was very horny, so I decide to make a nice masturbation session, with lube, nice videos etc. Then I saw her butt plug on the drawer and decided to try it in myself.

Holy cow, I think my rear end can't take more than a finger. I lubed the poo poo out of the butt plug but it took me almost 15 minutes to successfully insert that thing up there. I was painful, and I was trying to relax and I was taking it slow. Jesus, I can't believe I bought that poo poo for my girl. And it's not large! My dick is way way thicker than the plug. So I started to wonder how the gently caress my girlfriend can take my dick in her rear end in a top hat and now I don't want to gently caress her rear end anymore. I don't want to hurt her, she doesn't deserve that pain, lol.

Also, I think butt play is not for me, I will stop trying to put things up there.

EDIT: As more and more people are commenting, I feel the need to clarify that I'll still keep loving her in the rear end. I was just surprised at how painful something so small can be, so I felt a lot of empathy towards my GF because I realized that my dick is way thicker than the plug, which means that the next time we want anal sex again, I will be extra cautious and caring.

Also, I cleaned the plug with alcohol, don't worry.

I do have to applaud this guy for going all the way

# ? Jun 26, 2019 15:36

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

My respect for Cumshitter grows daily

# ? Jun 26, 2019 15:44

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Barudak posted:

Yeah my life kind of resembles the film Falling Down, but thats not really relevant to my question about why my ex-wife is being such a bitch

I wonder if D-Fens would post an AITA thread on Reddit about the fast food thing if Falling Down was set in TYOOL 2019.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 15:46

DemoneeHo: Nov 9, 2017; Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca

AITA for refusing to let my father walk me down the aisle?

quote:

My parents are born again Christians (Pentecostal Evangelists), I left religion at 16.

They wanted to arrange my marriage and had suggested a few laughable candidates over the years (from when I was 15 years old).

Four years ago (when I was 21) I told them I had gone on a few dates with a guy I really liked and had known for a month. They were generally chill so I didn't feel too worried telling them.

The next morning they kicked me out with my 17 year old youngest sister for "living an immoral lifestyle they can't support" and turning away from the family values that they raised us with.

A year later my other sister (20 at the time) was kicked out for the same reasons.

After knowing my now fiance for two months we took a huge risk and moved in together. Thank god that worked out, I've achieved more than I ever thought I could with his support. I can't think of anything I would change about my fiance.

For the first year of our relationship my parents caused drama. They used any opportunity I was alone with them to tell me that our relationship was doomed, until I threatened to cut them out of my life.

For the rest of the years they were always sheepish around my fiance and never made much of an effort to talk to him.

After we became engaged (late last year) my parents suddenly did a u-turn and seem to have accepted my fiance as a part of the family. Which has been a massive mind gently caress to me.

At our engagement party we specifically said NO SPEECHS as my dad likes to make himself the centre of attention and does anything to look good. So he ignored our request, made a huge speech and gave a personalised gift to each of us.

I am considering having his father, my grandfather, walk me down the aisle. My grandfathers only daughter passed in her youth.

My father got wind of it through the grapevine and apparently lost his nut (as expected, and why I was hesitant to bring it up).

A few weeks ago my father tearfully apologised to my fiance for not accepting him in the beginning and to me for saying horrible things. He said he would be okay with my grandfather walking me down the aisle and hoped we could be friends again like we were before I met my fiance.

The other day my mother came by and I brought up the aisle walking to double check it was okay before I asked my grandfather.

She told me my father is really hurt and that it's not normal to not let him do it. She also repeated multiple times that they have to be happy for my marriage.

I told her that after my father apologised I softened, and was going to let them have speeches. Whereas beforehand I intended for them to come only as guests. She said that they may not want to say anything and reiterated how hurt my dad is to not walk me down the aisle.

AITA for not having him walk me down the aisle?!

My mother drat thinks I am!

# ? Jun 26, 2019 15:49

DemoneeHo: Nov 9, 2017; Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca

AITA for stacking chairs at a table a customer was sitting at after we closed?

quote:

Alright so I (17M) work in a local, small Mexican restaurant (kind of like Subway cause everything is build your own) and we close at 9 PM on Tuesdays. Last night, this guy comes in at 8:50 to get a burrito, eats inside the store, and takes his sweet rear end time eating it. Me and the two other girls working there were cleaning and this guy still just sat there. I started on the opposite side from where he was sitting, and I wiped down all of the other empty tables and stacked all the chairs. There is absolutely no way this guy didn�t see me doing this. I got to his table last, at about 9:15 (15 minutes after we closed) and I stacked the other 3 chairs. This guy gives me a pretty dirty look and just leaves without saying bye or thank you or anything.

I thought I was right but I�ve told a few friends and they think I�m wrong. So AITA here?

Edit: starting at 8:45 we tell all customers we close at 9 when we�re ringing them up

# ? Jun 26, 2019 15:54

Patrick Spens: Jul 21, 2006; "Every quarterback says they've got guts, But how many have actually seen 'em?"; Pillbug

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for stacking chairs at a table a customer was sitting at after we closed?

You're an rear end in a top hat for not stacking the chair he was sitting in.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 15:55

Barudak: May 7, 2007

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for refusing to let my father walk me down the aisle?

I need your fiances side of this because if I were them and you were planning to let these people back in your life in any capacity Id be planning an escape so thorough and elaborate it gets a 1 hour special on network tv.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 15:56

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for stacking chairs at a table a customer was sitting at after we closed?

I went to a gay bar and at closing time they played a cool song and everyone had a sing along and then promptly left. Dude should play that song at closing time.

https://youtu.be/yNCVriK5PjI

# ? Jun 26, 2019 15:58

i vomit kittens: Apr 25, 2019

Person I'm seeing [17m] smoked weed even after knowing I'm [15f] against drugs and telling me that he is too.

quote:

Tldr at bottom. We've been seeing eachother for a year and it's mostly been good (except a few mishaps, dumb teenagers and that).

I've let it be known that I hate drugs. I don't even like drunkenness (though I do drink). You can do drugs, whatever floats your boat - just don't do it in front of me, don't tell me about it, don't do it too much.

One thing that I was attracted to about him when we first met was his aversion to drugs, since all my friends smoke and none of them are fun to be with. He said if I did any kind of drug, he'd leave. His reasoning is one session leads to two, two leads to four, and now you can't stop; I agree with him.

Yesterday he and his friend got drunk. Fine, whatever. Then he messaged me saying that he got stoned. I'm glad he told me but at the same time I'm not.

I was upset. Like, so upset that I threw up. I cried. I had told him a few months ago I'd leave if he ever got stoned because it puts me in the wrong way so much (there are reasons for that, but it's irrelevant) and now I feel like he's putting everything before me, including weed. He told me a few days ago there was weed at his dad's house and I told him not to dare smoking and he said he wouldn't.

I know I have no right to control his actions, but I told him previously how I felt.

There have been other things, too. We're LDR and he was upset about that the other day, and since then he's been acting weird (like he's bored of me, he doesn't put any love hearts ever anymore, it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall)

He's the reason why I'm alive, but now I'm not so sure I want to be.

I also think it's worth it to say we're in the UK and any recreational drugs are illegal here, including weed.

What do I do? Do I ignore it? I don't know how I'd talk about it since I'd get more upset and would start saying things I don't mean.

Tldr: bf knows I hate drugs, smoked anyway after promising not to. He's been acting weird recently and now I'm hurting because I don't know why.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:01

dudeness: Mar 5, 2010; Cat Army; Fallen Rib

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for stacking chairs at a table a customer was sitting at after we closed?

Consider this a gift that has allowed you to know which of your friends suck.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:02

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for stacking chairs at a table a customer was sitting at after we closed?

The whole point of a burrito is that it's portable. They were created so Mexicans could fight the Mexican revolution on the go

What kind of loser sits down at closing time to eat a burrito alone?

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:08

RenegadeStyle1: Jun 7, 2005; Baby Come Back

i vomit kittens posted:

Person I'm seeing [17m] smoked weed even after knowing I'm [15f] against drugs and telling me that he is too.

We finally found the lamest people in the world.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:17

Fitzy Fitz: May 14, 2005

Every teenager post is so stupid

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:18

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

ElGroucho posted:

The whole point of a burrito is that it's portable. They were created so Mexicans could fight the Mexican revolution on the go

What kind of loser sits down at closing time to eat a burrito alone?

That�s one of the half-dozen apocryphal stories about the origin of the modern burrito, but the portability thing is something they all have in common.

Others include: invented by 19th century vaqueros (north Mexican cowboys), or that it was invented by a street vendor to sell to poor children for their lunches with the name having originated as an endearing (if somewhat insulting) term for the kids.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:19

Mr. Fall Down Terror: Jan 24, 2018; by Fluffdaddy

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for stacking chairs at a table a customer was sitting at after we closed?

15 minutes is a bit early to do the old chair stacking move when trying to get campers off the floor. imo the polite escalation path is to

-ask if there's anything else you can get them and mention that the kitchen is closed
-bus and wipe tables
-cut the music
-roll silver within eyesight
-vacuum or sweep near the customer
-stack chairs
-sit down and eat while staring at the customer who wont leave

e: i used to work with a woman who, by 9:05 in this situation, would be sitting at the next table over drinking gin neat and smoking a cigarette

Mr. Fall Down Terror fucked around with this message at 16:26 on Jun 26, 2019

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:20

Barudak: May 7, 2007

I dunno, that teenager who accurately noted that his dad was a loser and when said dad attempted to send grandma on the kid he also told her to shut up and gently caress off is the sort of person who when we say they peaked in highschool its not a negative.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:21

Mr. Creakle: Apr 27, 2007; Protecting your virginity

Fitzy Fitz posted:

Every teenager is so stupid

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:24

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

chitoryu12 posted:

TIFU by having ADHD while having sex.

I'm warning you now, this is extremely aggravating to read.

Man, TIFU is the worst. It's like half blatantly fake fetish stories and the other half is unbelievably annoying idiots who should be immediately run over by a bus. I feel like the subreddit's premise of "your worst fuckups ever!!!!!!" attracts the most obnoxious people, even compared to the average Reddit poster.

Seriously though. I want to die after reading "starts his dirty finger dance on the honeypot". :froggonk:

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:24

Blade Runner: Aug 14, 2015

Barudak posted:

I dunno, that teenager who accurately noted that his dad was a loser and when said dad attempted to send grandma on the kid he also told her to shut up and gently caress off is the sort of person who when we say they peaked in highschool its not a negative.

That was Pete early in one of his reincarnations

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:26

Fitzy Fitz: May 14, 2005

luxury handset posted:

15 minutes is a bit early to do the old chair stacking move when trying to get campers off the floor. imo the polite escalation path is to

-ask if there's anything else you can get them and mention that the kitchen is closed
-bus and wipe tables
-cut the music
-roll silver within eyesight
-vacuum or sweep near the customer
-stack chairs
-sit down and eat while staring at the customer who wont leave

e: i used to work with a woman who, by 9:05 in this situation, would be sitting at the next table over drinking gin neat and smoking a cigarette

The vacuum is key for groups because it ruins their conversations. Solo people are much trickier.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:31

Best Bi Geek Squid: Mar 25, 2016

Smirking_Serpent posted:

Boyfriend[M21]watches hentai and now I [F18]feel disgusted by him.

When he masturbates to hentai he has “huge cums” and he moans loud and cums quick

New thread title imo

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:34

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

Solidarity with all retail workers 5 minutes before closing time

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:42

goethe.cx: Apr 23, 2014

quote:

�huge cums�

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:43

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

"Huge cums" is the correct usage when cum is the subject of the past tense form of have. However, when cum is the verb, it is proper to say "cumming hugely" to avoid a split infinitive.

Similarly, you can impress fast food workers by ordering Whoppers Jr. which you are picking up for several Attorneys General.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:51

Iron Crowned: May 6, 2003; by Hand Knit

cumshitter posted:

"Huge cums" is the correct usage when cum is the subject of the past tense form of have. However, when cum is the verb, it is proper to say "cumming hugely" to avoid a split infinitive.

Similarly, you can impress fast food workers by ordering Whoppers Jr. which you are picking up for several Attorneys General.

cumming bigly

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:51

Renegret: May 26, 2007; THANK YOU FOR CALLING HELP DOG, INC.

YOUR POSITION IN THE QUEUE IS *pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*

Cat Army Sworn Enemy

ElGroucho posted:

Solidarity with all retail workers 5 minutes before closing time

When I worked at Best Buy, it used to take us upwards of 2 hours to close the store.

It was awful having to deal with a customer at closing and know that, if you don't get rid of them soon, you'll have yet another day where you're scheduled for 10 but don't leave until midnight.

Then you end up staying til midnight anyway, because your coworkers see it as extra time they can get paid for without having to deal with customers so they drag their feet.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:56

Renegret: May 26, 2007; THANK YOU FOR CALLING HELP DOG, INC.

YOUR POSITION IN THE QUEUE IS *pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt*

Cat Army Sworn Enemy

retail is very r/relationships worthy because everybody's loving everybody and there's so much drama

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:58

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

DemoneeHo posted:

I feel the need to clarify that I'll still keep loving her in the rear end.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 16:59

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

My (21F) boyfriend (25M) always tells me to reach out to a now famous girl I knew in high school

quote:

So I went to high school with a girl who has become a very big singer in the US in the last couple years, I was briefly friends with her in high school before she dropped out to start singing but it was never a legit friendship where we still talk, at all, ever.

My boyfriend is a fan of her music and every single time he mentions her, it never fails, he tells me I should message her, reach out to her, get back in contact with her because she�s famous and why wouldn�t I? I always shut him down because i don�t know, I�m not interested and I�m also not an rear end in a top hat who rekindles friendships over fame? He just mentioned her new music video asking if I�d seen it and I said no, I don�t keep up with her and he replies �well you should start to or we�ll never get on the inside� and I said I don�t care and he responded �guess you don�t care about what I want�. Not only is he entirely unrealistic with this situation, he�s also super childish about it and I�m beginning to get very irritated. I don�t want to be her friend, I don�t care at all about anything she does or doesn�t do and when I say no to him he always makes a comment like �wow... kind of rude you don�t want to be her friend� etc. Things that just make no sense and are only meant to make me feel bad. How do I get him to shut up?

TLDR: I went to high school and was briefly friends with a now famous singer who my boyfriend is a fan of and he constantly tells me to get back in touch with her so we can benefit by going to free shows, etc. and when I tell him no he gives stupid, unrealistic and manipulative responses such as me not caring about what he wants, etc.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 17:15

HIJK: Nov 25, 2012; in the room where you sleep

DemoneeHo posted:

AITA for leaving my parents unaware of their grandchild

loving

this dude has performed a perfect own on his awful parents, he should keep his child away from them.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 17:30

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

luxury handset posted:

e: i used to work with a woman who, by 9:05 in this situation, would be sitting at the next table over drinking gin neat and smoking a cigarette

I like her style

chitoryu12 posted:

My (21F) boyfriend (25M) always tells me to reach out to a now famous girl I knew in high school

Your boyfriend sucks

# ? Jun 26, 2019 17:42

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012

chitoryu12 posted:

My (21F) boyfriend (25M) always tells me to reach out to a now famous girl I knew in high school

He just mentioned her new music video asking if I�d seen it and I said no, I don�t keep up with her and he replies �well you should start to or we�ll never get on the inside�

you know what other "inside" he'll never be getting to again HEYOOOO

# ? Jun 26, 2019 17:53

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

i vomit kittens posted:

Person I'm seeing [17m] smoked weed even after knowing I'm [15f] against drugs and telling me that he is too.

Lol. People who feel all righteous and huffy over weed are unbelievably lame. Most people I know in their 20s and 30s smoke weed as a social norm and this girl's all bent out of shape at age 15.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 18:02

LGD: Sep 25, 2004

A two parter! (And my choice for top story this week)

https://twitter.com/SixBrownChicks/status/1143927472091738114

Once again, whoever condenses these is incredibly good at their job (re: #2)

https://twitter.com/SixBrownChicks/status/1143927474998456327

https://twitter.com/SixBrownChicks/status/1143927477716357120

https://twitter.com/SixBrownChicks/status/1143927479058477058

# ? Jun 26, 2019 18:06

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

Smirking_Serpent posted:

Boyfriend[M21]watches hentai and now I [F18]feel disgusted by him.

Never date dudes addicted to anime porn but also don't date dudes addicted to any type of porn who have broken dicks because they can't stop jerking it 24/7 beyond all reason.

# ? Jun 26, 2019 18:08

Frank Frank: Jun 13, 2001; Mirrored

chitoryu12 posted:

My (21F) boyfriend (25M) always tells me to reach out to a now famous girl I knew in high school

Billie Eilish?

# ? Jun 26, 2019 18:14

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# ? May 9, 2024 16:36

Anne Whateley: Feb 11, 2007; i like nice words

Cough Drop The Beat posted:

Lol. People who feel all righteous and huffy over weed are unbelievably lame. Most people I know in their 20s and 30s smoke weed as a social norm and this girl's all bent out of shape at age 15.

yeah because

quote:

I was upset. Like, so upset that I threw up. I cried. I had told him a few months ago I'd leave if he ever got stoned because it puts me in the wrong way so much (there are reasons for that, but it's irrelevant)

there's definitely some poo poo there. Like her parents were huge potheads and neglected her, or she got taken away from them because they couldn't stop smoking, or she was abused by someone who was very into pot. It's not gonna be good

# ? Jun 26, 2019 18:15

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