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thatguy
Feb 5, 2003

Sunswipe posted:

Not "our home." This guy must be a loving joy to live with.

"We're pregnant"

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a very large fish
Oct 18, 2012

lol if you posted:


tracking that link down should be impossible, full stop, especially by a third party. if a private detective was able to match a donor to a patient via communication with the hospital that's a big no no.

Yeah a lot of parties violated HIPAA here (including the pet dick) and some jobs will be lost and some fines will be imposed and some damages will be recovered if they seek them out. For the hospital, rooting out the person that leaked that info will be their highest priority. Hope they got an entire careers worth of money to leak the info.

muscles like this!
Jan 17, 2005


Pinecone Sample posted:

AITA for telling my wife to find a place for winter.

Sounds like grandma's house isn't fit to live in when it is nice out either.

Smirking_Serpent
Aug 27, 2009

AITA for turning in my parents for owning illegal firearms?

Context: I recently lost my job and parents practically begged me back to live with them while I plan the next steps in life. I wanted to go back to school and pursue a masters degree, but when I got back it was clear they had other plans. I’m ace but they were convinced I’m gay and were going to force me into conversion therapy through the church, when I refused they kicked me out less than 4 days later, including the weekend. My parents had the police wake me up and evict me. Living in motels until I find an apartment. They are withholding all of my possessions and specifically said they would damage my PC.

I’m arranging a police escort when I show up with a u-haul as I wouldn’t feel safe going there alone or with just a friend, and the majority of my family doesn’t speak to me. AITA for telling the police in advance about my Dad’s stash of illegal firearms, including handguns? We are in Canada.

Smirking_Serpent
Aug 27, 2009

WIBTA for canceling a family vacation at my boss's request?

My wife and I have been planning a two week family vacation to Europe, where most of my wife's extended family and friends live, for a long time now, and we have our trip booked for Dec. 7 through Dec. 22. This is supposed to be both our first big vacation as a family and the first time her relatives would get to meet our 3 year old daughter.

For some additional background, I am currently the sole breadwinner for our family, and my wife is a stay at home mom and cares for our daughter full time. I work for a small firm that consists of five people: my boss plus four employees he manages, including me. One of my coworkers is currently out on FMLA leave for medical issues and is tentatively scheduled to return in January if her recovery goes well.

In the past week, everything has basically gone to poo poo at the office. My two other coworkers just both put in their two weeks notice within days of each other, and we have a huge project due by the end of the year. The timing couldn't possibly be worse. My boss is extremely stressed out and asked if I would consider postponing my vacation. He said he would normally never ask this of me, but this was an uniquely crappy situation and he can't handle the project alone. He offered to reimburse me for all nonrefundable costs of the trip.

Obviously I'm not happy about this. My wife is really mad and says this is a ridiculous request for my boss to make and that I need to put our family first and go on the vacation anyway. We had planned our trip around the availability of all the friends/family we wanted to visit, and it will be a pain in the rear end to find another set of dates that works for everyone. I think having to cancel the trip is lovely, but I'm worried I'll be out of a job if I say no, and we only have a few months of emergency savings to live off of if that happens. As much as I hate it, I really think it would be in our family's best interest to cancel. WITBA?

Cythereal
Nov 8, 2009

I love the potoo,
and the potoo loves you.

Biplane posted:

This is good, we can all unite against a common foe (the military) :hai:

And it was already deleted by a moderator. :v:

sephiRoth IRA
Jun 13, 2007

"Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Smirking_Serpent posted:

WIBTA for canceling a family vacation at my boss's request?

My wife and I have been planning a two week family vacation to Europe, where most of my wife's extended family and friends live, for a long time now, and we have our trip booked for Dec. 7 through Dec. 22. This is supposed to be both our first big vacation as a family and the first time her relatives would get to meet our 3 year old daughter.

For some additional background, I am currently the sole breadwinner for our family, and my wife is a stay at home mom and cares for our daughter full time. I work for a small firm that consists of five people: my boss plus four employees he manages, including me. One of my coworkers is currently out on FMLA leave for medical issues and is tentatively scheduled to return in January if her recovery goes well.

In the past week, everything has basically gone to poo poo at the office. My two other coworkers just both put in their two weeks notice within days of each other, and we have a huge project due by the end of the year. The timing couldn't possibly be worse. My boss is extremely stressed out and asked if I would consider postponing my vacation. He said he would normally never ask this of me, but this was an uniquely crappy situation and he can't handle the project alone. He offered to reimburse me for all nonrefundable costs of the trip.

Obviously I'm not happy about this. My wife is really mad and says this is a ridiculous request for my boss to make and that I need to put our family first and go on the vacation anyway. We had planned our trip around the availability of all the friends/family we wanted to visit, and it will be a pain in the rear end to find another set of dates that works for everyone. I think having to cancel the trip is lovely, but I'm worried I'll be out of a job if I say no, and we only have a few months of emergency savings to live off of if that happens. As much as I hate it, I really think it would be in our family's best interest to cancel. WITBA?

Your boss won’t fire you if you’re indispensable (I.e. the only one who can save the day) OR you’re not indispensable which means someone else can do the work. Either way GO ON YOUR VACATION DUMMY

extremely online
Mar 23, 2018

by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

sephiRoth IRA posted:

Your boss won’t fire you if you’re indispensable (I.e. the only one who can save the day) OR you’re not indispensable which means someone else can do the work. Either way GO ON YOUR VACATION DUMMY

Five person team:
Boss
OP
Medical Leave
Quit 1
Quit 2

There's nobody else who can do the work. I think he's hosed. A big expensive vacation around the holidays means he'd have to have pretty deep pockets to be able to survive until he can find another job, especially since job searches can take a year or more these days in a lot of fields. The situation sucks and everybody can be mad but his back's against the wall and there's a kid to feed. If his boss is a decent human (lol) he could at least get a raise out of this.

Peaceful Anarchy
Sep 18, 2005
sXe
I am the math man.

sephiRoth IRA posted:

Your boss won’t fire you if you’re indispensable (I.e. the only one who can save the day) OR you’re not indispensable which means someone else can do the work. Either way GO ON YOUR VACATION DUMMY
The company is down to three people, boss, OP and medical leave person. If this project is so big there may not be a company to come back to (which maybe is ok, hard to tell if it's badly run or bad luck). OP should definitely ask for more than just reimbursement to stay, and should let the wife and kid still go and meet the family.

MagusofStars
Mar 31, 2012



Smirking_Serpent posted:

WIBTA for canceling a family vacation at my boss's request?

sephiRoth IRA posted:

Your boss won't fire you if you're indispensable (I.e. the only one who can save the day) OR you're not indispensable which means someone else can do the work. Either way GO ON YOUR VACATION DUMMY
I don't think it's an issue of being fired as much as "this could legitimately kill the company if this project flops". Normally, it'd be an instant response of "any company that falls to pieces because an employee takes their earned vacation is probably hosed anyways"...but with the context that it's only a very small company of five people and there's already going to be 60% of the staff simultaneously leaving/out at once, it's way more reasonable to think this might actually be the unicorn case that this is legit job-threatening.

Especially with the way the boss' attitude is presented - recognizing this is a lovely thing to ask, feeling terrible about having to ask, rushing to offer to pay the costs, etc. This doesn't seem like a case of 'rear end in a top hat boss gonna rear end in a top hat', just a situation that totally sucks for everyone.

AreWeDrunkYet
Jul 8, 2006

Cythereal posted:

Fine. Here's a wholesome palette cleanser: people dealing with grief in a healthy way while military wives are rear end in a top hat:

I (26F) started dating another widow (30F) and our friends hate us for it

Neither of them are really connected to the military anymore, they need to just cut that toxicity out of their lives.

the holy poopacy
May 16, 2009

hey! check this out
Fun Shoe

extremely online posted:

If his boss is a decent human (lol) he could at least get a raise out of this.

This is the sort of thing you get in writing before you say yes.

Inceltown
Aug 6, 2019

Two people quitting at once is a bit of a red flag though. You need more info before deciding if letting the company go under is a good idea.

A Moose
Oct 22, 2009



Yeah like, if they're doing some kind of work like writing software for ICE to track brown people or something, he should definitely go and that would explain why 2 people quit almost at the same time.

extremely online
Mar 23, 2018

by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

Straight White Shark posted:

This is the sort of thing you get in writing before you say yes.

Yeah get something down on paper covering reimbursement of cancellation fees, a new scheduled (ideally longer) vacation with ironclad dates, and whatever demand re pay/title bump makes sense. But if they haven't replaced those two employees by, say, the end of January, I'd dip because you'd be in permanent crunch time until the company's staffed back up.

TheKennedys
Sep 23, 2006

By my hand, I will take you from this godforsaken internet

DemoneeHo posted:

Good for them, screw the other widows. It's like that other story from a few pages back of a widow moving on with her life by dating a friend a year after her husband died.

I was not in the military, but my dad was, and believe me, people who primarily identify as military spouses are nuts. I think gip had an informative thread a few years ago.

intel_officer_marriage dot post goes here, the only response to "should I marry the military" (phoneposting, don't have the quote on me)

Clitch
Feb 26, 2002

I lived through
Donald Trump's presidency
and all I got was
this lousy virus

TheKennedys posted:

intel_officer_marriage dot post goes here, the only response to "should I marry the military" (phoneposting, don't have the quote on me)

Always a pleasure,


quote:

Have you considered not marrying your fiancee?

I can count on _one finger_ the number of guys that were USAF intel officers that I _wouldn't_ line up outside the gas chambers if the fourth reich became a thing.

A few years from now, when you can't even stand to look at him without feeling a sense of extreme hatred and disappointment simultaneous to realizing that at 28 years old you spend 50% of your day thinking about becoming a divorcee, remember this advice:

Run the gently caress away now.

Seriously, there is a 100% chance your fiancee is a tool and a loving nitwit.

There is a 100% chance that he will be peer pressured into becoming a distilled version of fighter pilot gay bro'ness _not by dudes that fly fighter jets_, but other sperged out intel retard officers.
He's going to start saying things like "Check, Rodge, Vector, Burner" and other associated lame as gently caress things, while also sometimes randomly wearing a flightsuit to work on Fridays,
despite his only flight time being the fam flight he poo poo his pants or puked his guts up during.

Also he's going to cheat on you. Oh man is he going to cheat on you.

And there is a not too bad chance that it won't be with some good looking gal, but rather some dumb bitch enlisted intel girl that _almost_ got a degree in psychology from her podunk state school before she decided she hated the taste of gargling frat sperm and dropped outand joined up to get a chance at being the hottest little twat in a windowless SCIF in Japan.

But don't worry about that breaking your heart, he'll never tell you.

You'll be too busy caring for the 3-4 kids he demands you squeeze out in repayment to the base model BMW 3 series he's going to buy you when he gets to his second assignment at Tinker Air Force Base.

When he's _not_ deep dicking some borderline inbred dipshit Airman who's a civilian five and intel twelve, he'll be lording over you how his job and career come first, and pray he doesn't make more money than you
because that'll come up everytime you sigh audibly at the dinner table where you two will passive aggressively try to grind down each others will to live and breathe.

By this point as a captain he's going to be TDY 1-2 months a year, where he's getting half assed hand jobs from third tier strippers on excursions with the least socially inept enlisted guys in his flight--
this is probably the point where his raging alcoholism will be so clear and obvious to you that you two will start fighting every saturday before kick off when his college football team inevitably will take a beating.
This fight won't stop until his next TDY when the sweet release of his toothless stripper infidelities and lack of home presence gives you time to bust out your big giant purple *BZZZZZ* friend whenever those walking talking pants making GBS threads machines you call children fall asleep long enough to let you deaden the nerves in your clitoris. Soon after he'll take his third assignment, the one right before he pins on Major, and suddenly he'll be pressuring you into becoming a fundamentalist christian, and he'll delete all of his whores off of his facebook account and spend his home time posting image macros about 2nd amendment rights,
and how jesus spoke english in the bible so these loving mexicans should too.

At this point you two will be consigned to bi-annual loving, and only when you've drank enough cheap boxed wine to be able to stand the idea of him pounding away on you missionary style but still refusing to look you in the eyes.

This will also be the point when your oldest childs ADHD and pyromania are diagnosed, and one of your parents die.

There is around a 85% chance one of you is going to be eating zoloft and klonopin out of loving pez dispensers, and waking up angry that the sweet release of death hasn't taken one of you out of this loveless hosed up marriage.

Somewhere in here the idea of swinging is going to come up casually as an almost joke when you are both in the blissful release of a nice drunken buzz, and one of you will actually be very open and interested in the idea. The other is going to wind up being an unhappy accomplice wondering why your partner wants to gently caress almost chubby guys with spray on tans, or watch the sacred hole through which your children came into this world be filled with all manner of different ethnicities of cock.

I'm late to bring this up, but sooner rather than later you're also going to screen positive for HPV, and your intel officer husband is going to take every bit of research skills he has from his job to convince you that you got it from donating blood or sitting on a toilet seat.

Spoiler Alert: You didn't get it from the Red Cross or a trip to the shitter.

As it stands now though, you can walk the gently caress away and enjoy a life that I'm pretty sure would be better than the above. You'll never have to see the inside of an officers wives meeting which is a lovecraftian hell that makes my description of your future seem like Charlie's trip through the chocolate factory.

Bruceski
Aug 21, 2007

The tools of a hero mean nothing without a solid core.

quote:

I can count on _one finger_ the number of guys that were USAF intel officers that I _wouldn't_ line up outside the gas chambers if the fourth reich became a thing.
...does he think the Nazis gassed bad people, or does he assume the theoretical new Nazis would be good guys?

Pirate Radar
Apr 18, 2008

You're not my Ruthie!
You're not my Debbie!
You're not my Sherry!

Bruceski posted:

...does he think the Nazis gassed bad people, or does he assume the theoretical new Nazis would be good guys?

As a military officer he understands that he’d be one of the Nazis if the fourth reich became a thing

Barudak
May 7, 2007

Bruceski posted:

...does he think the Nazis gassed bad people, or does he assume the theoretical new Nazis would be good guys?

I think hes saying if a new reich came about an needed to gas the equivalent of the SA, none of these guys are getting spared.

Smirking_Serpent
Aug 27, 2009

WIBTA if I asked my husband to forgo his NFL ticket to attend my master's ceremony?
HEAR ME OUT:

My husband claims he purchased 2 tickets for a bus ride, hotel, and ticket to the game as a graduation gift to me. I do not watch football, am very interverted (would never get on a party bus). I suspect he purchased them so he could party with his friends and not have to worry about driving, traffic etc. I think he used my upcoming graduation as a excuse. Neither of the 2 teams playing are HIS team. Total cost is about for one is $300 (*I think*).

The master's program at my school has 2 ceremonies. One is just for our school of business. It is very personal, and each graduate gets their own recognition on a smaller stage on campus. This takes place on the day of his bus departure. The second one is the entire school, at a local major venue downtown, takes 3+ hours, and our names are called as fast as they can say them a few days later.

He already found one person to buy the second ticket that was originally intended for me. But he can't find a replacement for his. I want to ask him to forget the game and come to the ceremony. I would be hurt if he wasn't there. My kids and extended family will be there. But still hurt. He will be a the 2nd big ceremony at the venue a few days later.

Edit: he purchased the tickets in August. I didnt know the date of the 1st ceremony until October. He told me about the "surprise" 2 weeks ago

Pirate Radar
Apr 18, 2008

You're not my Ruthie!
You're not my Debbie!
You're not my Sherry!
You know how we laugh when people post stories where they say “one thing led to another” as a way of downplaying their own actions that led to an affair? Nicole Cliffe has an interesting way of thinking about it: adultery is an elevator.

https://twitter.com/nicole_cliffe/status/1199435660597157893?s=21

https://twitter.com/nicole_cliffe/status/1199445256690749442?s=21

doomisland
Oct 5, 2004

this analogy sucks

cumshitter
Sep 27, 2005

by Fluffdaddy
Yeah, it needs a little work. It's more like throwing yourself into an elevator shaft. It's really exciting to see all those floors before you hit the ground.

Pirate Radar
Apr 18, 2008

You're not my Ruthie!
You're not my Debbie!
You're not my Sherry!
I think for some people adultery is a paternoster

Barudak
May 7, 2007

Adultery is like groverhaus, it takes a lot of focused hosed up effort to make and when it finally comes time to sell youll find out your taking a loss.

PHIZ KALIFA
Dec 21, 2011

#mood
Adultery is like a stairclimber in that why do any of us think we're qualified to discuss this.

bell jar
Feb 25, 2009

Adultery is like an elevator in that there's usually an access panel in the roof

Barudak
May 7, 2007

bell jar posted:

Adultery is like an elevator in that there's usually an access panel in the roof

If I had a dollar every time international men of mystery escape my adultery by using this Id be able to afford to have some drinks stirred.

dudeness
Mar 5, 2010

:minnie: Cat Army :minnie:
Fallen Rib
It's more of a dumbwaiter, especially if you're doing it the correct way, with a dumb waiter.

Smirking_Serpent
Aug 27, 2009

AITA for going to a gay bar at invitation?

So truthfully I feel a bit like an rear end in a top hat, but I don't know if that's warranted.

For context I'm 24F from Europe and my two friends (also girls, close in age) and I had a weekend getaway in Hungary. We stayed in a hostel where we met an older gay couple (40s), they were in a room next to ours. We hung out in the hostel's common area and the final night, they invited us to a gay bar in the city.

I don't go to gay bars much, I've been maybe once or twice in my life, although common sense tells me you're supposed to be respectful since it's primarily a place for gay men. Since we were invited though, I figured it'd be fine.

Well to be honest, the whole night we felt unwanted... not by our friends from the hostel, but by everyone else. People glared at us even though we weren't noisy or obnoxious, just the only women there. My friend accidentally spilled some of her beer at one point and the guys next to our table, who we had no contact with, basically rudely said we should just leave if we can't even drink properly. Our hostel friends defended us, though, but I felt weird and imposing.

Tl;dr we weren't physically attacked or anything, but it seemed like our presence annoyed people.

So I'm wondering if it's understood we should've politely declined the invitation (or if we should do so in the future) and were we the assholes for not figuring that out?

Pirate Radar
Apr 18, 2008

You're not my Ruthie!
You're not my Debbie!
You're not my Sherry!
Q. Need a reality check:

quote:

After 13 years of marriage, I’m in the process of divorce. I got out of a painful relationship where I was abused and cheated on for many years. My soon-to-be ex-husband is in jail for crimes he committed while we were already separated. During all these years, I developed a close relationship with one of my “political” nephews. We have a very strong bond. He’s 11 years younger than me, a man in his mid-20s. In the past three months, our relationship started escalating from a close, friendly relationship to a sexual relationship.

I don’t feel bad at all. The sex is great. I trust him completely and feel comfortable around him. For me, it has been more fulfilling than dating someone random and going through all the stages. I’m not in love with him or thinking about a real relationship at all, because we have a real friendshiplike relationship, all sex aside. I love him a lot, and while I know that if word got out it might be troublesome and scandalous, I don’t feel guilt or remorse. I am writing you to see if what I’m doing is totally crazy. I need a reality check.

A: Bail out now. No lasting good can come from this. He is your nephew. This is a reality check, as requested.

Kenshin
Jan 10, 2007
What does “political” nephew mean?

Smirking_Serpent
Aug 27, 2009

AITA for being disgusted that my girlfriend leaves period blood on the toilet seat?

I'll just get right into it. So this has been going on for at least a few months now, maybe in March or April. Can't remember. Anyways ,when she was on her period, when she'd go to the bathroom then she'd leave blood all over the toilet seat. The first few times this happened, I was understanding because we all make mistakes and none of us are perfect. Also because I sometimes leave pee on the toilet seat but I actually have an excuse (I'm the victim of a botched circumcision when I was a baby and my piss streams can sometimes be wildly unpredictable, this is relevant later) - I however always, ALWAYS make sure to clean up after myself. ALWAYS. The problem I have with her is that she doesn't clean up her blood. The first few times, she said she forgot. I said okay, sure, you forgot and thats fine, just try to clean up after yourself next time. But nothing's changed. The problem's been getting progressively worse and worse, it happens more and more frequently and i'm tired of it.

Yesterday I had a friend of mine over to pick up a book I borrowed from him, I let him in to use the bathroom quickly. He went in then came out almost immediately and showed me that there was, once again, blood on the fricking toilet seat. I was just completely lost for words. I mean, can an adult not clean up after themself? I apologized to my homie and I went and took a picture of the seat and texted it to my gf saying that this can't go on any longer

When she got back from the cornerstore poo poo really hit the fan. First she said that im being hypocritical because I sometimes leave piss on the toilet, and I called bullshit on that cause I always clean up after myself, I asked if she's ever seen piss on the toilet from me and she couldn't answer me. She still wouldn't own up to it so I said if i left poop smeared all over, how'd you feel? She said its not the same thing and that I only give a poo poo cause it's period blood, and actually jabbed me in the chest with her finger and told me to stop shaming her. I responded to that by saying gimme a break, don't be a child and clean up after yourself cause it's not that hard. I'll admit that maybe wasn't one of my best moments, calling her a child. But how hard can it be??!!?!?!?! Jfc. AITA?

Smirking_Serpent
Aug 27, 2009

AITA for encouraging my BF to pursue his business idea? Now he's dead broke.

Roughly a year and a half ago my (24F) boyfriend Xavier (29M) expressed interest in quitting his full time job and starting up his own business. We have seperate finances and we plan to keep it that way. I have no stake in his financial success (or lack thereof).

From the get go Xavier's family were not supportive of his business idea. They didn't believe his business could directly compete against 2 already established local businesses in the area and they strongly discouraged him from quitting his job.

Xavier was crushed by his family's reaction. He turned to me for support and (naively) I gave it to him. I strongly encouraged him to pursue his dreams. I told him he was clever, hard working, dedicated and perserverent and he could achieve anything he set his mind to. I encouraged Xavier to live his life without regrets and rise up to the challenge. Basically a lot of motivational crap talk that in hindsight seems stupid now.

At the time, I genuinely believed Xavier had a decent chance of succeeding because he has a brilliant work ethic and a brilliant mind. However, I knew there was also a good chance he would fail and lose money but I assumed Xavier knew the risks.

Flash forward to today and Xavier's family were right - Xavier's business turned out to be a complete flop. There aren't enough clients for the business to be sustainable and he can't compete against the local competition. Xavier's in massive debt (he put all of his savings into the business and also took out a massive business loan) and he's been forced to close the business because he cannot keep it in operation without pouring more money into it. Now Xavier's currently looking for a full time job to replace the job he once had. He's also had to move back in with his parents because he can't afford rent or bills right now.

Although the choice was ultimately Xavier's, I am recieving all the blame from Xavier's family for steering him in the wrong direction. They believe he would have never quit his job if it wasn't for me. His Father believes I fed him false hope and pretty much ruined his life. His Mother sent me a ridiculously long message saying I was happy to let Xavier crash and burn because our finances are seperate and if I really loved him I would have looked out more for his financial security.

Xavier doesn't blame me at all and our relationship is still strong despite what his family thinks.

Was I an rear end in a top hat? At the end of the day it was Xavier's decision and I don't think I should feel guilty for encouraging him to pursue his dreams (even if those dreams don't work out).

Tomfoolery
Oct 8, 2004

Cythereal posted:

The holidays are upon us, and you know what that means: rear end in a top hat relatives!

My (35/F) relatives of various ages expect too much from me during the holidays due to my wealth.

Easy solution. Buy all the kids horses, puppies, air guns, and drum sets.

Pirate Radar
Apr 18, 2008

You're not my Ruthie!
You're not my Debbie!
You're not my Sherry!

Kenshin posted:

What does “political” nephew mean?

I’m mostly sure it just means “nephew by law not by blood”

cumshitter
Sep 27, 2005

by Fluffdaddy

Smirking_Serpent posted:

AITA for going to a gay bar at invitation?

You were being tested as a potential member of the Fag Hag Sisterhood, and you failed. Every woman gets exactly one (1) invite to a gay bar in their life, and you failed the test.

We do not accept weaklings.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

LyonsLions
Oct 10, 2008

I'm only using 18% of my full power !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smirking_Serpent posted:

AITA for limiting visits with the in-laws to once every two months?

My husband passed away 17 months ago after a short battle with cancer.Before the diagnosis, my parents-in-law were always lukewarm toward me and never went out of their way. For example, I haven't seen the inside of their home in almost 10 years. My brother-in-law has been inside and confirms they are not hoarders. Their excuse is that their house is too small (1200 sqft) and boring. After the diagnosis, nothing really changed. I swallowed those feelings because I understood they were going through a rough time as parents with such a grim diagnosis.

After my husband passed away, my in-laws continued their visits as usual. Meaning, they would visit once per week and I would prepare snacks, a meal and things to munch on. My in-laws would play with the kids for a bit (45 minutes) and then lounge around and play on their phones. It was 'ok' at first to continue the same rituals and habits for the kids. But now I am ready to move on and start thinking of creating new routines.

I told my in-laws that I would invite them once every two months (ie, to coincide with holidays or long weekends). In between, they are welcome to invite my kids on outings or to their home but once per week is too much for me. They said that they are "low key" and prefer to come over to my house where they are surrounded by fond memories of my husband. They called me an rear end in a top hat (not exact words) for taking them away for their grandkids when they are at their lowest. AITA for wanting to change things up and have my own space?

Edit: I have suggested the following alternatives to coming over once per week: - Now that i have to do both drop offs and pick ups, my kids have to go to both before and after-school programs. I had suggested that they to one drop off or one pick up per week so that my kids don’t have to be somewhere for 9 consecutive hours. they said it would be too much responsibility. - i had suggested that they drop them off at swimming classes or gymnastics. they said it wouldn’t allow for enough one on one time and that meeting in public spaces is undignified - i had also proposed that they come over to their place and came up with a list of activities such as movie night at their home, they have a piano that my girls would love to use. i even proposed dinner where i would drop off a pan of lasagna for them to have

basically having one full weekend day per week devoted to the on laws is killing my social life and suffocating me. i don’t know why i have to chaperone every interaction with my kids and engage in mindless chitchat with people who could care less about my wellbeing - the mom of their grandkids. i am exhausted

For "low key" read "loving lazy," they don't even want the kids at their house because they might have to do something like put out some snacks or heat up the food OP made. They want to interact with the grandchildren in the most low-effort way possible, where the mom does all the heavy lifting and they just show up and are catered to.

My in-laws did this same poo poo, nobody died in our case, but it was the same lazy bullshit--they insisted we come to their house with the kids once a week, and they would spend a few minutes taking selfies with the kids and then go back to watching TV, but we weren't allowed to leave until we had spent a sufficient length of time just hanging out in their house, although not hanging out with them because they were watching TV, and the kids better not be loud enough to be heard over the TV! Any attempt to get them to come to our house instead, go out for a meal, go to a park or something, or even be more interactive when we were at their house, not turn off the TV necessarily but at least interact with our children, was met with strong resistance, yet when we just stopped showing up you'd better believe they were pissed! We're keeping their grandchildren away from them! My husband even said, we will not just show up by default, but invite us when you want us to come over. Guess how many times that has happened in the last year? Zero.

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Smirking_Serpent
Aug 27, 2009

My [38f] boyfriend [42m] of four years keeps revealing unexpected talents.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend Dave for a little over four years. The relationship has been pretty smooth. I feel like we are very compatible, and he makes me feel like he agrees. We don’t live together, but when he isn’t traveling for work, we spend most of our time together.

This seems silly, but I’ve noticed a pattern of Dave being unusually good at a lot of things that he’s never given any hint of. I remember three or four months into our relationship when he decided to do some card tricks at a mutual friend’s party. These weren’t just any card tricks, though. He had everyone spellbound with his patter, and I swear people’s jaws were falling open as he finished each trick. OK, everyone has some dumb tricks or whatever that they like to pull out and show off. Whatever.

Maybe six months after that, we were in the city and there was an old-school breakdancing crew set up on a corner, and we stopped to watch. Dave started talking to a couple of them, and pointed at the mat, and they bumped fists, and Dave jumps into the middle of the mat and starts dancing. Dave looks like an accountant. He has short blonde hair, and big glasses, and he was wearing khakis and a button-down shirt. I was mortified, because he looked ridiculous switching his feet around out there. All of a sudden he does a complete forward flip, and he’s like a flurry of feet and windmills and he even got in a head spin. This is a 37-year-old white guy, and the crowd of 20-something dudes is losing it’s mind while he’s dancing. What the gently caress?? It took fifteen minutes to get out of there through all the slaps on the back and fist bumps. I asked him where he learned to do that, and he said he picked it up watching movies. What?

About eighteen months into our relationship, we visited a family friend of mine named Dean. Dean is a big gun nut, and he’s turned a section of his property out in the country into some sort of training ground. He has dozens of targets that swing around on arms, or flip over when you shoot them. He also has two long lanes divided by hay bales for shooting rifles. Dean demonstrated the training area while we watched, and invited Dave to have a go. Dave said no, but Dean asked a few more times, and Dave finally agreed. Dave started the course with one full (clip? magazine?) in his gun, and another in his belt. Dean blew a whistle, and Dave WENT OFF on those targets. It was all bang, bang, duck, turn, bang, move, bang, bang, bang. He was so fast.

I don’t remember the actual number, but he did the course in something like 20 seconds, and that must have been a good time, because Dean was floored. I never even saw Dave reload he was moving so fast, but the bullets in his belt weren’t there when he came out the other side. I guess Dave was pretty good on the rifle range, too. Dean talked about both all night. When I asked Dave about it, he told me he’d had an uncle who was really into guns and I guess the uncle taught him.

Last year, we were out at a new bar and they had karaoke. I kept poking fun at him, telling him to go sing me a song, and he kept smiling and refusing. I was a little bit buzzed, and I got kind of pouty because I really did want him to sing me a song. So, he did. He put in a song, and when it was his turn to sing HE WAS UNBELIEVABLE. He sang a country ballad, and my heart melted. Probably a dozen people stopped him on his way back to our table to tell him how good he was. After that, he put in three more songs, and he was amazing every single time. He sang Tom Jones, a song from Phantom of the Opera, and BJ Thomas, and he killed every one of them. We had been together THREE YEARS at that point, and I had never heard him sing a single note except joking around and singing maybe part of a television theme song. He could absolutely be singing on Broadway or something. I actually got a little jealous after what seemed like a hundred people stopped by to shake his hand and compliment him, and at least six women came by to ask him to sing duets with them.

Dave travels often for work. It’s not constant, but it probably adds up to 8-12 weeks per year, in chunks of anywhere from two weeks to two months at a time. I think 2017 was the worst year, and he was on the road > 16 weeks that year. The travel bothered me a bit at first, but I adjusted. Maybe six months ago, we were both traveling at the same time, so we went to the airport together. We were at a lounge in the airport, and this group of guys in business attire were talking politics loudly enough for us to hear them. They were going on about something that had happened in Syria, and Dave was listening in and frowning. Dave finally butted in, which I have never seen him do, and started explaining why they were wrong about what they were saying. They argued with him, and Dave basically gave a thirty-minute lecture about politics in the middle east. He had facts, and figures, and an answer for everything those guys said. At one point, one of the guys in the group who had a mild accent said, “THANK you,” and gestured at the other guys like he was saying “I tried to tell them.”

Dave almost never talks politics. Beyond watching the news, I’ve never seen him show a particular interest in global affairs. He sounded like he knew what he was talking about in the airport, and everything I was able to remember and look up later checked out. Where is he finding the time to learn all this stuff? How come he doesn’t talk to me about it? I would love to learn from someone who seems to know what he’s talking about.

The most recent thing happened about two weeks ago. We went to a restaurant at the suggestion of a friend who knows the owner. Before we were seated, our friend brings the owner out to meet us. The owner introduces himself, then Dave introduces himself, and says something that confused me. It sounded like nonsense, and I thought I had misheard him. I look over, and see the owner looking surprised, then the owner says something back to Dave, and then the two of them are off on a five-minute conversation in another language, which I later learned was Tamil. The owner brought his wife and daughter over, and everyone seemed very happy to speak to my boyfriend in their own language. What the hell is going on there? We’re four years into an intimate relationship, and he has never ever not once mentioned knowing another language.

I know this is really dumb, but it’s starting to bother me. It feels like he is intentionally not sharing things with me. You can’t just accidentally not mention that you speak another language for four years. I don’t speak Tamil (I didn’t even know there was a language called Tamil), but he sure seemed to be fluent. He has to be practicing, right? This isn’t something he picked up in high school twenty-five years ago and somehow still remembers. Why did I not find out about this until he’s suddenly holding court in some restaurant?

The magic, whatever. The breakdancing: weird, but it’s not like breakdancing comes up a lot in conversation. Maybe he just never had a chance to wedge in that he was a talented street performer. The guns? A little bit scary, to be honest. The karaoke bothers me, because I would love to have a boyfriend who sings to me. He has a beautiful voice. He could have been singing love songs to me for four years. The language thing is honestly a little creepy, because there’s just no way he speaks another language at a high level, and simply never mentioned it. That one really feels like something he kept from me, but if he was keeping it from me on purpose, why use it in front of me?

I feel so dumb even saying this, but I feel like I’m dating a slightly nerdy Jason Bourne. Dave makes a lot of jokes about his “government paycheck,” and being a civil servant, but I don’t actually have a clear idea exactly which branch of the government he works for. He says his job is “logistics” whenever someone asks. It somehow never struck me as odd that I know so little about his work, because he treated it so naturally. I’m sure my boyfriend isn’t a superspy or anything, but I am starting to think he does something sort of secretive.

I really want to push him on this, and find out what’s going on, but I don’t want to come off as overbearing or untrusting. These incidents are the highlights off the top of my head, but the relationship has been full of smaller surprises that seem to add up to my boyfriend keeping things from me, and it hurts. Am I being crazy here? I know you can never really know everything about another person, but where’s the line? Shouldn’t I know that he can sing and speak multiple languages? If he’s so into middle eastern politics, isn’t it reasonable for me to think he would have discussed them with me at some point? I just don’t want to feel like there’s a ton of stuff he’s intentionally not telling me.

tl;dr: My boyfriend breakdances, speaks languages I didn’t know he spoke, sings like an angel, and is some sort of weapons expert, and I never know about any of it until he does something in front of me that lets it slip.

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