r/relationships: I have nothing against this baby.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: I have nothing against this baby.

therattle: Jul 24, 2007; Soiled Meat

The Bramble posted:

My gf doesn't want me to talk about experiments and unnornal thoughts

Anyway the plan is for to you to burst into the lube section of Walmart and loudly exclaim "WHERE IS THE LUBE WITH THAT REAL SICHUAN PEPPER TINGLE??". Meanwhile some other friends will pretend to be browsing nearby and agree that none of these lubes meet our needs. That's when I appear and offer free samples to everyone of my pepper lube and you all talk about how great it is. The GM will be so pressured by the spontaneous show of interest he'll have no choice but to sign the distribution contract I'll have prepared!

As soon as I saw the post heading I knew this would be a doozy.

I bet he�s concerned about premature evacuation* which is why he�s interested in the numbing properties of Sichuan peppers.

*I meant to type ejaculation but that�s pretty funny.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 00:25

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# ? May 30, 2024 19:07

PancakeTransmission: May 27, 2007; You gotta improvise, Lisa: cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust...; Plaster Town Cop

The_Franz posted:

in a world of 7+ billion people, i have no doubt that someone at some point has made a penis shower cap

When I was in the army, there were stories of dudes who would wear condoms when showering after field exercises, specifically so they could try to pick up women while having the most disgusting dick.

Whether this actually happened or was just a gross-out story shared between bored dudes is probably irrelevant because that still means someone has thought of doing it

# ? Dec 27, 2021 00:29

Cowslips Warren: Oct 29, 2005; What use had they for tricks and cunning, living in the enemy's warren and paying his price?; Grimey Drawer

Unornal thoughts like liking The Matrix.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 00:57

Cthulu Carl: Apr 16, 2006

Cowslips Warren posted:

here is what I don't get. Now, I don't have a penis, but for those that do, and like it, isn't any reason a good reason to touch it? Wash it, clean it, tug one out? Or is it the toddler contrarian that screams NO You Can't Make Me! when it comes to basic poo poo like cleaning your dick?

Touching a man's rear end in a top hat or a man's dick is gay. Yes, even if it's your own dick and rear end in a top hat and for hygienic reasons.

... I imagine that's what's up with those dudes who piss at urinals with both hands on their hips. So straight they can't even hold their dick to aim.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 01:16

ilmucche: Mar 16, 2016; What did you say the strategy was?

Cthulu Carl posted:

Touching a man's rear end in a top hat or a man's dick is gay. Yes, even if it's your own dick and rear end in a top hat and for hygienic reasons.

... I imagine that's what's up with those dudes who piss at urinals with both hands on their hips. So straight they can't even hold their dick to aim.

Need two hands free for their phones

# ? Dec 27, 2021 01:25

Cthulu Carl: Apr 16, 2006

ilmucche posted:

Need two hands free for their phones

Nah, they ones I see do it are all old dudes with their phones still in their belt holsters.

One dude put his hands on the dividers, another put his hands on the wall.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 01:44

Brawnfire: Jul 13, 2004; 🎧Listen to Cylindricule!🎵
https://linktr.ee/Cylindricule

Cthulu Carl posted:

Nah, they ones I see do it are all old dudes with their phones still in their belt holsters.

One dude put his hands on the dividers, another put his hands on the wall.

I usually put my arms around the shoulders of my pissing neighbors

# ? Dec 27, 2021 01:56

Facebook Aunt: Oct 4, 2008; wiggle wiggle

Cthulu Carl posted:

Nah, they ones I see do it are all old dudes with their phones still in their belt holsters.

One dude put his hands on the dividers, another put his hands on the wall.

Old dudes? They probably hurt their backs 20 years ago and now have trouble standing unsupported but haven't yet accepted that they need canes.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 02:01

Pleads: Jun 9, 2005; pew pew pew

Cthulu Carl posted:

... I imagine that's what's up with those dudes who piss at urinals with both hands on their hips. So straight they can't even hold their dick to aim.

What about the dudes who pull their pants down to their ankles at public urinals, what can I infer about them?

# ? Dec 27, 2021 02:18

Butter Activities: May 4, 2018

Pleads posted:

What about the dudes who pull their pants down to their ankles at public urinals, what can I infer about them?

Gotta feel the breeze

# ? Dec 27, 2021 02:22

Nostradingus: Jul 13, 2009

Pleads posted:

What about the dudes who pull their pants down to their ankles at public urinals, what can I infer about them?

feels good man

# ? Dec 27, 2021 02:24

Armitag3: Mar 15, 2020; Forget it Jake, it's cybertown.

Pleads posted:

What about the dudes who pull their pants down to their ankles at public urinals, what can I infer about them?

That they're 8.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 02:24

Tiberius Christ: Mar 4, 2009

Pleads posted:

What about the dudes who pull their pants down to their ankles at public urinals, what can I infer about them?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bc3SVzHS9k

# ? Dec 27, 2021 02:35

Inceltown: Aug 6, 2019

Brawnfire posted:

I usually put my arms around the shoulders of my pissing neighbors

I have my own powerbro technique

# ? Dec 27, 2021 02:38

Vitruvian Manic: Dec 5, 2021; by Fluffdaddy

Pleads posted:

What about the dudes who pull their pants down to their ankles at public urinals, what can I infer about them?

That they are chill dudes, probably a little depressed and socially isolated, who fell in with neo-nazis and now don't know how to get out. You should reach out and help them. The most common way is to hand them some tokens to watch a show and then when the window closes you make your own show.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 02:40

Dr. Stab: Sep 12, 2010; 👨🏻‍⚕️🩺🔪🙀😱🙀

Cowslips Warren posted:

here is what I don't get. Now, I don't have a penis, but for those that do, and like it, isn't any reason a good reason to touch it? Wash it, clean it, tug one out? Or is it the toddler contrarian that screams NO You Can't Make Me! when it comes to basic poo poo like cleaning your dick?

Hygene makes you gay. Same reason they don't wash their butts or brush their teeth. The manliest way to live is to be constantly afraid of the slightest breeze destroying your entire gender.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 02:56

Foo Diddley: Oct 29, 2011; cat

The Bramble posted:

My gf doesn't want me to talk about experiments and unnornal thoughts

i really want this guy to put hot peppers on his junk. just stuff 'em right up the ol' pisshole, cram 'em in there with a sounding rod

# ? Dec 27, 2021 03:03

Malcolm Excellent: May 20, 2007; Buglord

Dr. Stab posted:

Hygene makes you gay. Same reason they don't wash their butts or brush their teeth. The manliest way to live is to be constantly afraid of the slightest breeze destroying your entire gender.

Its not gay if you use one brush for all cleaning

# ? Dec 27, 2021 03:37

welcome to hell: Jun 9, 2006

I Got Kicked Out of Boyfriends Christmas Party for Not Kissing A Fish...

quote:

Basically the title. We are from Canada. I am from the West side of the country and met my boyfriend at a University in Central Canada. He lives on the east side of the country. Anyone who knows Canada knows that each end of the country is different culturally. I have never been out east, and I have never really learned about their culture... That was a mistake.

I flew out to meet my Boyfriends family and to spend Christmas with them. I met them on Christmas Eve for lunch and they seem like amazing people. We had lunch, talked about Family, Traditions and then me and my Boyfriend went around to see the city. Last night, I went to their house for Christmas Dinner. All was good, we were having drinks, dinner, everyone was having a good time.

After Dinner, we were all a little Tipsy, my Boyfriends Mom jumps up and said "We almost forgot the ritual!". I sit there, thinking some Christmas tradition is coming. She then walks into the room holding a Dead Fish and shot glass. My boyfriend whispers in my ear "Don't worry, I'll talk you through it."

His Mom starts a large ceremony in the living room with me in the center. She introduces herself to me formally then asks "Would you like to become a Newfoundlander?" My Boyfriend Whispers in my ear, and I say aloud "Yes b'y!". She asks me to tell the Family about myself, which I do. She hands me a Shot glass and asks "Are you a Screecher?" (Apparently they have a rum called Screech, and that what was in the shot glass). My boyfriend tells me to say, which I do "Yes my old friend, And may your sails catch my wind".

Ok now this is the point where the Mom holds the fish right up to my face and I recoil in disgust. My boyfriend chuckles and says I have to kiss it. I refused, the room got quiet. The Mother says it's tradition for all newcomers to the Island to kiss the fish. I politely refuse and thank them for the ceremony but I was just not comfortable with that. She took the shot out of my hand and went into the kitchen. It was tense after that, everyone seemed pretty mad at me. My boyfriend was arguing with his Mom in the kitchen for like 10 minutes, then he came out and said we should leave (we were staying at his apartment.) In the car, he said that his Mom was extremely upset and didn't want me in the house if I wasn't going to go by their traditions.

A part of me thinks I should have just kissed the drat fish. However in the moment I didn't realize it would be such a big deal and I really didn't want to do it. I have no problem apologizing to his Mom but she wont respond to my Boyfriends texts with anything more than 1 word answers. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate this situation.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 03:45

Butter Activities: May 4, 2018

welcome to hell posted:

I Got Kicked Out of Boyfriends Christmas Party for Not Kissing A Fish...

Don't disrespect the rich cultural tapestry of *checks notes* random candians in the second most irrelevant province of canada.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 04:05

Armitag3: Mar 15, 2020; Forget it Jake, it's cybertown.

welcome to hell posted:

I Got Kicked Out of Boyfriends Christmas Party for Not Kissing A Fish...

Can any 'nadians confirm if this is real? Real Gulliver travels stuff here.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 04:06

RoboRodent: Sep 19, 2012

Armitag3 posted:

Can any 'nadians confirm if this is real? Real Gulliver travels stuff here.

It's real.

Newfoundland is... unique, shall we say.

E: lol it's on Wikipedia. Read the bit on the "screech-in." I admit that pressuring someone into it is not generally how it's supposed to go, to my understanding.

RoboRodent fucked around with this message at 04:13 on Dec 27, 2021

# ? Dec 27, 2021 04:09

The Maroon Hawk: May 10, 2008

welcome to hell posted:

I Got Kicked Out of Boyfriends Christmas Party for Not Kissing A Fish...

lol this family sounds fun

# ? Dec 27, 2021 04:11

Coca Koala: Nov 28, 2005; ongoing nowhere; College Slice

There's a wikipedia page about it and everything! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newfoundland_Screech

Relationship seems done, you're never going to come back from that time the family tried to include you in a silly local tradition and you backed out. I don't know that anybody's the rear end in a top hat, but you're not recovering.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 04:13

Tiberius Christ: Mar 4, 2009

do most families have bizarre hazing rituals we usually just ask how they've been doing and then serve dinner

# ? Dec 27, 2021 04:17

Armitag3: Mar 15, 2020; Forget it Jake, it's cybertown.

Amazing.

Tiberius Christ posted:

do most families have bizarre hazing rituals we usually just ask how they've been doing and then serve dinner

I'm reminded of the one where the family ate oranges peel and all, and wanted the son's girlfriend to do it too.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 04:19

Flavahbeast: Jul 21, 2001

welcome to hell posted:

I Got Kicked Out of Boyfriends Christmas Party for Not Kissing A Fish...

Sounds like she was just unworthy. The ritual exists for a reason

# ? Dec 27, 2021 04:30

Uncle Enzo: Apr 28, 2008; I always wanted to be a Wizard

welcome to hell posted:

I Got Kicked Out of Boyfriends Christmas Party for Not Kissing A Fish...

This is just me personally, but if it really was an established tradition in that area and that family and it's being done in good faith and not harmful, I'd do it.

My #1 concern from my upbringing is "is this a real thing or are they just making this up to gently caress with me and make me look stupid". I have a sense of humor, I can look silly in good fun, but I don't like being the butt of pranks.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 04:41

Dacap: Jul 8, 2008; I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower.

You have more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader.

Uncle Enzo posted:

This is just me personally, but if it really was an established tradition in that area and that family and it's being done in good faith and not harmful, I'd do it.

My #1 concern from my upbringing is "is this a real thing or are they just making this up to gently caress with me and make me look stupid". I have a sense of humor, I can look silly in good fun, but I don't like being the butt of pranks.

It's a pretty widely known thing in Canada that Newfoundlanders do this.

Dacap fucked around with this message at 04:48 on Dec 27, 2021

# ? Dec 27, 2021 04:43

Mx.: Dec 16, 2006; I'm a great fan! When I watch TV I'm always saying "That's political correctness gone mad!"
Why thankyew!

AITA: for calling cps on my neighbour

quote:

I ( F 23) and my fianc� (M 24) have been living in our neighbourhood for about three years now and has nice as our place is we have never gotten along with our neighbour. She lives with her two kids right next to us and has always been snotty since we met her. it was never something we payed too much attention to since we got a good deal on the house. After a while I started to notice she didn�t just act that way with us but with her children as well. She has a teenager and a little one. They are the sweetest kids I�ve ever met. The little one regularly leaves small flowers on our porch and the older one talks to my fianc� when we are outside. Though I thought the way she talked to her kids was quite rude, I chalked it up to her being a strict rear end parent and since my mother was the same way I figured all was well.

However, on Christmas Eve me and my fianc� got home very late ( around 1:30 am) from a Christmas party and as we were going inside I heard what sounded like someone snoring but figured I was so tired I was hearing things. But then my fianc� turned around and seemed like he heard it as well. After talking a while we noticed our neighbour�s oldest laying on our porch bench in nothing but a hoodie and sweatpants.I asked him why he was here and if he was ok and he proceeded to tell me that his mom kicked him out of the house for not having his bed made or the dishes done and told him to � think about what he had done�. Y�all It was I live in Michigan and it is cold has gently caress here especially at night. So I did what any logical person should do and called CPS.

Now my neighbour came knocking at my door this morning because I guess her oldest told her I called cps. She is calling me a monster for trying to get her kids taken away on Christmas and that I should be ashamed of myself. I don�t think I did anything wrong but i don�t know, should I have talked to the mom first ? AITA?

# ? Dec 27, 2021 04:51

Yorkshire Pudding: Nov 24, 2006

Tiberius Christ posted:

do most families have bizarre hazing rituals we usually just ask how they've been doing and then serve dinner

I taught my cousins Bloody Knuckles (Quarters) at Thanksgiving and they loving loved it. My aunt was like �this is the dumbest thing ever, here�s another quarter keep going�.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 04:54

Miserable Maid: Apr 22, 2010; Cat Army

The Bramble posted:

My gf doesn't want me to talk about experiments and unnornal thoughts

God, his comments on this are a great read. What a goddamn rear end in a top hat, he's like the "18month twins" guy but if he was an arrogant jackass instead of a lovable dope

# ? Dec 27, 2021 04:55

Silly Newbie: Jul 25, 2007; How do I?

RoboRodent posted:

It's real.

Newfoundland is... unique, shall we say.

E: lol it's on Wikipedia. Read the bit on the "screech-in." I admit that pressuring someone into it is not generally how it's supposed to go, to my understanding.

Sounds similar to a Chicago Handshake, although we have a lot less ceremony to it.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 04:57

limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

Silly Newbie posted:

Sounds similar to a Chicago Handshake, although we have a lot less ceremony to it.

The only time I met Lowtax was at a goon meetup in Chicago. I tried as hard as I could to get him to do a shot of Merlot with me but he refused and didn't drink anything that night.

Make of that what you will.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 05:20

Miserable Maid: Apr 22, 2010; Cat Army

Probably smart of him tbh

# ? Dec 27, 2021 05:25

Batterypowered7: Aug 8, 2009; The mist that chills you keeps me warm.

limp_cheese posted:

The only time I met Lowtax was at a goon meetup in Chicago. I tried as hard as I could to get him to do a shot of Merlot with me but he refused and didn't drink anything that night.

Make of that what you will.

Shot of Merlot or Malort?

# ? Dec 27, 2021 05:32

Megillah Gorilla: Sep 22, 2003; If only all of life's problems could be solved by smoking a professor of ancient evil texts.; Bread Liar

Mx. posted:

AITA: for calling cps on my neighbour

The little one regularly leaves small flowers on our porch

This is the sweetest thing.

Nothing makes me angrier than people who don't deserve how wonderful their kids are.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 05:34

limp_cheese: Sep 10, 2007; Nothing to see here. Move along.

Batterypowered7 posted:

Shot of Merlot or Malort?

Malort. That's what I get for drunk posting.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 05:39

Vitruvian Manic: Dec 5, 2021; by Fluffdaddy

I love Malort and when I visit Chicago, I love that it is a) ubiquitous and b) quite cheap. Everything is cheap in Chicago, but Malort is like $3-5/shot and it is an incredible value.

# ? Dec 27, 2021 05:42

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# ? May 30, 2024 19:07

Mx.: Dec 16, 2006; I'm a great fan! When I watch TV I'm always saying "That's political correctness gone mad!"
Why thankyew!

Straight guy came out the other side of the pandemic in a same sex relationship (I think)

quote:

So I will try and keep this as short as possible but will try and explain everything.

Me and my best mate, I�ll call him Chris are both 26 year old straight guys. Now we have known each other since we were 9, went through school, college and uni together. Since finishing uni he had bought a house and I�ve been contributing rent to him.

We�ve both always been straight guys, had relationships with girls, never overly successful as then ever lasted that long but always talked through things together. Anyway at the start of the pandemic it was one of the few times we were both single. We were stuck at home, both on furlough so spend a lot of time together. We were talking about relationships and agreed they were never that great, having to almost �pretend� to be someone else to please her. I started joking about why couldn�t I have you as a girl then we can just get on perfectly! We laughed it off and that was it for a while.

Some time passes and he said to me ( can�t remember the exact wording) but �you know you said that we�d be good together if one of us was a girl, what would you say if we just became a thing) basically his idea was that we�d be together, not in like a sexual way but just a couple sharing things together but being open to have a sexual side separately. We talked about it for a really long time, I wasn�t really sure, he laughed it off and moved on. I didn�t sleep that night thinking about the whole thing, but then decided in the morning to go ahead with it.

As the last year and a half has progressed we grew closer. We go out for dinner together, we hold each other at home, sometimes sleep in the same bed but usually stay in our separate bedrooms but have never kissed or had sex. Neither of us have actually taken up the open aspect of the relationship, we�ve spoken about it but never have.

We had some friends round before Christmas for some drinks and a takeaway, they started to notice some of our behaviour and asked if anything was going on between us, one of the guys was being a bit of a dick and said looks like they�re fags now. The whole thing got a bit heated for a while I saw Chris was a bit upset I calmed everything down I hold his hand and explained where things were, no one understood it but most of our friends were fine with it, that one guy I make leave after he kicked off again and we just had lots of questions. That night Chris walked into my bedroom jumped in bed with me and thanked me so I gave him a hug and said love you. I don�t know what he meant by it as we often say it as a casual thing but that felt different.

Fast forward to the last couple of days we went our separate ways over Christmas, our first time apart for a while I keep thinking about him, my family asking if I�ve got a girlfriend yet and Chris texting me saying he misses me and can�t wait for us to get home.

I am very happy with what I have with him. To be honest I think I�d be happy if he wanted more because I think I do love him just it�s such a weird thing we have but I love what we have.

So yeah this is a really summarised overview of everything. This has very slowly developed over the last year and a half. We do both consider ourselves straight but do have strong feelings towards each other for what we have. I think I�d happily go in for more but depends on him. Is this an actual relationship or just two mates very close?

Happy to answer any questions though

# ? Dec 27, 2021 06:54

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