Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

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Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Or Tuesday night in the upper midwest.

# ¿ Mar 22, 2019 22:43

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# ¿ May 13, 2024 21:58

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

my kinda ape posted:

You are like little babies: https://journalstar.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/woman-registers-bac-times-legal-limit/article_6727b939-1833-5dcf-a6d1-5da1a1fb9996.html

It's like Florida Man except with drunk driving instead of combos of animals/meth/face eating/deviant sex acts.

https://wsau.com/news/articles/2019/mar/18/man-accused-of-7th-owi-released-on-bond/

https://fox6now.com/2018/07/19/ludicrous-2-serial-drunk-drivers-arrested-in-milwaukee-county-for-their-9th-owis/

https://www.postcrescent.com/story/news/crime/2018/06/28/shouldnt-bac-0-42-five-times-legal-limit-kill-you/732309002/

https://1440wrok.com/wisconsin-man-picks-up-8th-arrest-for-owi/

https://www.wiscnews.com/portagedai...f8f53fa26b.html

# ¿ Mar 22, 2019 23:51

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

It's OWI (operating while intoxicated) here, and 1st offense isn't even a misdemeanor. It's legally the same as a speeding ticket from my understanding of the law. :stare:

# ¿ Mar 23, 2019 17:20

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

STL is the only place I've been that gave me a plastic cup to put my drink in and take it with at bar close. Kind of shocked that it isn't a thing up here.

# ¿ Mar 24, 2019 15:05

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Casimir Radon posted:

active latrine.

lol, only brainwashed AD people would ever care that much about something in the military.

# ¿ Mar 25, 2019 22:58

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Yeah, once I move I'm going to get a second cat.

# ¿ Apr 7, 2019 22:08

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

goatsestretchgoals posted:

not enough pixels

# ¿ Apr 23, 2019 02:29

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

real talk how do you people live in the south without going insane?

# ¿ Apr 30, 2019 01:23

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

I think this fits: https://www.npr.org/2019/05/03/719866004/army-soldier-falls-into-hawaiis-kilauea-volcano-after-straining-for-better-view

# ¿ May 3, 2019 16:37

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Mmm, delicious (probably toxic) propellant residue.

# ¿ May 4, 2019 02:36

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

CainFortea posted:

Or it's one of the training ones that never had a rocket in it.

those are reusable and fire blank rounds so I seriously doubt they'd have one out like that out for drinking purposes.

# ¿ May 4, 2019 03:48

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Malachite_Dragon posted:

Now I'm curious, and at 400 pages this has probably been asked before but like hell am I going hunting for it:
What was the best, and the worst, MRE/meal in general you had while in the military?

The Omelette MRE was revolting, nothing else compared or was as inedible. The only thing that was similarly disgusting was the buffalo chicken, although it was somewhat edible.

# ¿ May 25, 2019 17:18

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

There'd be probably a lot less lovely NCOs if we let people do 20+ as a SPC. Just bring back the higher SPC grades.

# ¿ Jun 4, 2019 16:02

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

chitoryu12 posted:

I need to have an account to read it and they require administrator approval, so listing my occupation, experience, and interests as entirely "Chew bubble gum and kick rear end" jokes as I did probably won't fly.

Don�t bother, at least a decade ago it was a cesspool of the terrible mindsets we all hate from the military and the groupies/grifters that chase them.

# ¿ Jun 18, 2019 19:21

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Kawasaki Nun posted:

You'd get 2/3rds at that time and could probably make up the rest of you went into the reserves?

Normal weekend/AT reserve stuff doesn�t count for Post 9/11, only Title 10 AD orders for the most part. Hell, most reservists aren�t even veterans under some legal/administrative standards.

# ¿ Jun 18, 2019 19:23

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Well, lightfighter had some actual real people in addition to the typical gun forum insane right wing people. I know that at least one poster was an actual Delta guy who got arrested after he retired for getting drunk and accidentally shooting a family member.

Good story for the idiot thread: https://www.registerguard.com/rg/news/local/35292810-75/story.csp

Flying_Crab fucked around with this message at 20:35 on Jun 18, 2019

# ¿ Jun 18, 2019 20:32

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Idk, I got banned probably 10 years ago for arguing with Pat Rodgers about why we shouldn�t murder all Muslims or something similar. It had some legit knowledgeable people about the military & guns, but also an incredibly toxic culture.

# ¿ Jun 18, 2019 20:42

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Nick Soapdish posted:

https://twitter.com/jkass99/status/1144282466720468992

Wat, how did he not get absolutely trashed on his NCOER for that.

# ¿ Jun 28, 2019 01:37

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Conversely the last two times I�ve reentered the US (@ JFK and Detroit) I blazed through customs in like 5 minutes and said maybe one sentence to the CBP person. Although I have Global Entry which probably helps immensely.

# ¿ Jul 1, 2019 18:49

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Z�rich is cool, albeit crazy expensive.

# ¿ Jul 2, 2019 18:19

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

MrUnderbridge posted:

I went through Nuremberg airport in 83 at the height of the "Evil Empire " days. You not only went through metal detectors, you stuff was x-rayed and you got patted down. I was bringing back a 5 liter micro keg in my carry on. Not surprisingly, a large metal object going on a plane back then (this was around the time that one star got kidnapped) got anothe lot of attention. And their people carried machine pistols. I got grabbed by the arm as they opened my bag. They pulled my.bag open to show the giant can and I said "Ist gut Deutches bier" and luckily for me they all had a good chuckle and let me through.

It was good beer, too.

Someone older than Greenmeat? :corsair:

# ¿ Jul 2, 2019 23:22

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Future CSM right there.

# ¿ Jul 7, 2019 16:46

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

The HK M320 (M203 replacement for you old people) stock attachment is cool as gently caress. We had the stocks in our arms room although I never got to shoot one with one mounted.

I remember some people in my BCT having those shotguns, probably the MPs or engineers in our STB? They look weird as gently caress.

# ¿ Jul 11, 2019 02:18

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

BIG HEADLINE posted:

The Modern American Soldier: Every Man an Armory Unto Himself

(not American but fitting)

# ¿ Jul 11, 2019 23:42

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Updates? In theory he apparently isn�t past the RCP for SPC. :lol:

# ¿ Jul 12, 2019 17:36

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

https://twitter.com/keithboykin/status/1149707791235526662?s=20

# ¿ Jul 12, 2019 20:37

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Yeah the aftermath of that has to not be uh, pretty. I wonder what kind of energy each of those tungsten balls are packing.

# ¿ Jul 13, 2019 04:59

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

https://www.wsav.com/crime-safety/fort-stewart-soldier-detained-after-video-of-parking-lot-altercation-shared-on-facebook/

quote:

The video has been viewed on Facebook over 300,000 times and has more than 900 comments.

Someone in 3rd ID is having a fun day.

:dukedog:

# ¿ Jul 16, 2019 20:48

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

bulletsponge13 posted:

You know his SL watched that, and just face palmed as he poured another double of Military Special "Bourbon".

I�d assume this about everyone in his CoC up to the brigade level.

# ¿ Jul 16, 2019 21:05

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

A White Guy posted:

I cannot imagine being in any way responsible for their behavior off the clock

Congrats on not being in the military.

# ¿ Jul 16, 2019 21:18

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# ¿ May 13, 2024 21:58

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

bird cooch posted:

I reached out to one of my old buddies to try and get the whole story. I wasn't around for parts of it firsthand and I'm relying on memory from 2003-2004-ish so this may get an update at some point.

For all of his faults which are multitude, dirty Joe was an amazing dancer in almost every style. And super disarming for a wild desert meth redneck. At this point dirty Joe had become a plane captain, and we had received a couple of fresh pilots mid tour. One of which was not unattractive very plain, and a total cherry.

Anywho we were into the sauce hard, and everybody was having a good time and not feeling any pain that's for sure. We have this informal game where if we could find our CO or our DIVO in port they would buy us a round, pat us all on our shoulder and then melt Into the night to hide from the dirty enlisted heathens. it's not like they didn't play the game. we could usually find the one of them on the first day pretty readily posted up somewhere where he knew we'd be to informally treat, but after that they all scattered pretty hard away from the landing area where we were concentrated. Well during one of these adventures a big gang of us probably 20 strong stumbled into a Italian restaurant / bar and discovered half of our pilots and no senior enlisted (fun haters) in sight. And it was the younger half too, we had had a couple of them show up at our barracks Christmas parties and other ridiculousness so it's not like we hadn't been fairly drunk together in a controled-ish situation before.

This resulted in a very ad hoc blending of our groups for the 30 or 40 minutes that we were in the bar and when we left to continue the party a few of them where heading in our direction as well towards the four-story dancehall complex. if you've been to Singapore you'll know this place called the four floors of whores informally. it's down the street from the orange blossom motel and a couple blocks away from one of the big Irish pubs that always becomes a central location during a port call.

so most of us are e3s or fresh e4s. there would have been a couple of e-5s but they were definitely dirtbag e-5s so most of us had a hard libo cut at midnight to be back at the boats. so only a few people had hotel rooms except those that were banging boat donkeys and most of us were just trying to get as shithouseed as humanly possible before we had to get back on the boat, throw up, and pass out in our racks.

What happened next was an hour or two of giddy debauchery, shots, prostitutes desperately trying to get 60 bucks for a toss in a bathroom stall and dirty Joe just tearing up the dance floor. More than once we had noticed dirty Joe throwing down with the Cherry and everybody thought it was, you know, basically hilarious because this gal was tossed and he was rooster cogburn drunk. Nothing untoward but had any senior enlisted or officers who had joined the military for any reason other than to be fighter pilots had seen them they would have been very very upset.

At some point we started losing people to prostitutes and alcohol poisoning and random incestuous hookups the way that only a military unit can do, so nobody noticed that Joe is gone until it was time to start throwing people in cabs. We didn't leave any of our folks on the field, everybody made it back before liberty was called.

Except Joe. We straight fuckin lost Joe.

It was creeping up on 11:45 and while Joe was a brother-in-arms we weren't going to sacrifice the entire unit to recover his body. He's been in trouble before he be in trouble again there's only so much you can do. So with the valiant dirtbag e5s and the few e-4s who were granted overnight privilege vowing to continue the search, we retired to scramble into taxicabs and desperately try and get through the turnstiles before they started taking names. Being a minute late was just as bad as not showing up that night as far as command was concerned.

So as we are standing there waiting to get on the boat 5 minutes after we have turned into theoretical pumpkins although on the safe side of the fence and here comes a ashen-faced E5 with happy looking, rumpled, shoeless, dirty Joe in tow.

he sets Joe down on the ground well away from everybody else goes up and has a word with whoever was Manning the gangway onto the liberty boats and marches Joe directly on board. we managed to get on the same liberty boat but it was pretty obvious from his positioning that we were not allowed to talk to him. This isn't the first time Joe has been in trouble, but he's always managed to skate off with his skin intact.

We get back to the boat Joe decides of his own volition not to come out the last day or two days or whatever it was and immediately gets sent mess cranking (temporary duty working in the ship's galley serving food or washing dishes etcetera), and has his rack is moved out of our little pack of line rat racks. Anytime somebody questioned him about it he would respond with "I can't talk about it bro", a stupid crooked smile and the sort of exaggerated tweaker shrug thing he had going on.

Now nothing stays a secret forever of course so within a few weeks we find out that he was.... Picked up in a hotel room filled with an "unnamed" person's belongings and about half of his clothes and two male American voices and a female American voice having a drunken screaming match in the room next door.

After he finished his cranking rotation he came back to the shop with nothing said and there was just an air of 'this is something that you don't touch" and he definitely never was assigned any of her planes and as soon as she rotated to be our DIVO he was sent to the airframe shop and I transferred squadrons. Up until the day I left his only response to somebody "yelling hey remember that time that Joe hosed the Cherry!?" Was "I can't talk about it bro", a stupid crooked smile and a matching stupid crooked shrug while holding a Bud light in one hand and his 50th cigarette of the day in his other.

I'd hit him up on Facebook for the rest of the story, but for the life of me I can't remember his last name because I always just knew him as dirty Joe so I messaged my friend who was part of the task force that brought him in for the rest of the story but I don't know that I'll get it even now.

to be honest I don't know that I want to know what's become of him now because in my mind he's just this goofy wasteland redneck superhero in a wife beater and jean shorts drunk somewhere getting away with far more than he ever should and I don't really want that ruined. Also I don't really want him remembering that I exist, cuz it's not like this guy was ever going to clean up his act.

I'm sorry if my formatting is weird and my spelling is crap I have to use voice to text because I have difficulty using my hands for fine motion like typing on a cell phone and I'm banging this out away from my desk.

Next up I'll write jrenlisted.txt/itme.
I went before the mast 3 times and married someone who deployed with us. Got out, joined another branch and continued loving up like it was my job.

Mast options are:
CO in a bathrobe

Getting kicked out of "C" School while still passing.

And military equipment off the books found in my barracks roommates closet.

Other story options that come to mind:
My roommate gets an exchange student

Getting into a fight with with the bouncers and cops to save a squad mate who wasn't actually our squadmate.

Being arrested briefly in Fallon Nevada for walking out on the tab (I was unconscious)

Steve-O buys a motorcycle and breaks his femur before ever getting it on the road.

Selling my soul for the second time to get my brother into the coast guard and out of my parents spare bedroom after 6 years of college as Junior.

Boot camp the second time around.

I'll roll into the coast guard stuff as it comes along. This is fun and never get to tell these stories because I don't tell anybody generally that I served.

Dirty Joe is my military hero.

# ¿ Jul 18, 2019 04:19

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

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