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I have a 12-year-old brother in law. He was born when my wife was 21. Needless to say he's my son's favorite uncle. He's coming over tonight and staying til Thursday. Upon being told that Uncle Caleb was coming over tonight: WOW DADDY, YOU'RE A GENIUS!
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Nov 26, 2013 17:39
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Earlier this week, from my 5-year-old son: "Daddy, your car is as clean as a butt!" I am unsure if this is an insult or a compliment. Also from my son: "I don't believe in Santa anymore" "Oh no, why's that?" "Because then I can be naughty and still get presents" Kid's got it figured out. Although he woke me up Christmas morning screaming about how Santa came, so he must still be a believer after all.
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Dec 28, 2013 19:31
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The other day neither the wife or I felt like making an actual meal, so I just threw a pizza in the oven and we had that for supper. Cue my 5-year-old while eating: "Daddy, pizzas don't have necks." I almost choked. But damned if the kid wasn't right.
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Jan 8, 2014 18:02
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omnibobb posted:I grew up in a very non- relgious house and my birthday is on Christmas. When I was little, I just assumed all the lights and decorations were because everyone was celebrating my birthday. I always felt sorry for the kids who had birthdays on or immediately before/after Christmas. They always got ripped off, present-wise. At least all the ones I knew, anyway.
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Feb 8, 2014 06:05
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A couple of mallard ducks has taken a liking to our yard. We're thinking the female is going to build a nest. They've especially taken a liking to the birdseed that falls on the ground out of our feeder. We have a 5-year-old son who loves ducks and all animals. My wife and I asked him "What should we name our new duck friends?" He thought for a moment, then answered "Microwave and Lightbulb!" Yes, the female has been affectionately named "Microwave" and the male is "Lightbulb." The wife and I think it's hilarious because it's totally something our son would do.
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Apr 21, 2014 18:30
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So this was a conversation I had with my 5-year-old son today: Him: Daddy, I have a joke for you for Father's Day! Me: Ok, buddy, shoot. Let's hear it. Him: Knock knock! Me: Who's there: Him: Lightbulb! Me: Lightbulb who? Him: (thinks for a moment) um.... Lightbulb microwave! Me: (bursts out laughing from the randomness of it) He is now telling everyone that joke, thinking he has discovered the pinnacle of humor.
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Jun 15, 2014 21:50
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My son: "I wish there was an app that you could hook up to your bladder and it would tell you when your bladder's full." He had to pee at the time.
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Nov 28, 2014 21:12
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Dubh posted:Kid's going to make a fortune with iPiss. He told my wife tonight that he's going to make lightbulbs that run on farts. I think I have some sort of bodily function tech mogul on my hands.
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Dec 1, 2014 04:51
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My son (he of the future bladder app): "I can't wait until I die." 
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Dec 11, 2014 19:05
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Is there an update on beadgate?
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Dec 20, 2014 15:57
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A couple had an adorable 3ish year-old little girl in their cart today. I had just rang them up and they were leaving when all of a sudden the girl yells "I'M POOPIIIIINNNNNNGGGG!!!!" at the top of her lungs. I cracked up. I couldn't help it. The parents remained calm and were like "all right, lets go to the bathroom" and took her in. It must have happened before. BigBallChunkyTime has a new favorite as of 01:18 on Apr 4, 2015 |
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Apr 4, 2015 01:15
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Little Critter owns.
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May 6, 2015 22:39
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My wife and two sons are out of state for the weekend. My wife texted me this gem from our 6-year-old after they got done swimming in the hotel pool: "Mommy, you know why my eyes are burning? Because someone peed in the pool. That's what Jeff Rossen said on Rossen Report." We watch the Today Show every single morning.
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Jul 19, 2015 03:40
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AlistairCookie posted:4 year old is in the shower, singing. I move closer to the bathroom, so I can hear him. "Wiener, wiener, wieeeeeener! Wiener, wiener, wieNER!" I silently laugh, and go get Dad to hear the Wiener Tribute. We're being quiet, since I don't want him to stop singing. He then shouts, "Hey MOM! Can you hear my awesome wiener song?!" My 7-year-old made up a song called "5 little penises".
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Nov 1, 2015 01:51
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My wife and I had our kids at the zoo this past weekend. We were walking along having a good old time and then we hear another child nearby ask "Can we go see the armadildos now?" We had to very quickly scurry into the nearby lizard house because we were laughing so hard.
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Dec 10, 2015 05:08
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Dabir posted:When I was a kid my mum tried to explain God to me and said something like 'He's a great power'. So naturally I assumed it was electricity. I always imagined him as a superhero, flying around and kicking Satan's rear end from time to time. How disappointed I was.
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Jan 21, 2016 21:24
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Little guy: "I wanna be a teacher!" Me: That's great, buddy! A teacher is a great thing to be! Mommy's a teacher! Little guy: (accusatory tone) "Who told you that?!?"
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Dec 6, 2018 23:41
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Out of the blue, my 4 year old son stopped playing with his toys, came over to me, said "Daddy, I don't like you because you're old" and then calmly went back to playing. I'm 37.
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Mar 5, 2019 23:12
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U-DO Burger posted:I told my 7-year-old daughter that she can't have another dessert after dinner because she was eating snacks all freaking day, and she just starting bawling and melting down. After a few minutes I finally got her to respond to me You are history's greatest monster.
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Mar 16, 2019 00:18
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"I just coughed out of the butthole in my mouth." --My 5 year old son.
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Mar 18, 2019 18:39
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U-DO Burger posted:My 5-year-old son adores Mario. Well, all my kids do, by my son especially loves Mario. He has no desire to actually play Mario games, but he enjoys building things in Super Mario Maker. A few days ago, he started telling me about some fan game he’s got in his head and I love every detail about it: I would legit play this game.
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Jun 6, 2019 13:19
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Cardiovorax posted:Shaving off your beard is one of the worst things you can do to a little child's perceptions. My uncle shaved off his decade-old full black beard when I was ten years old. My Dad ALWAYS had a mustache. One day he hosed up shaving and had to shave it off and let it grow back. My grandma dropped me off at home right at supper time and all I could do was stare at this guy who I *thought* was my Dad, but I wasn't entirely sure and didn't want to ask. Everyone else was acting normally so I rightly figured it was him. But it was so weird how his appearance changed. I think I was 11 or so at the time.
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Jul 22, 2019 23:02
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marshmallow creep posted:My wife and I were talking about that video of a guy kicking a black bear, so we asked our son, "Is it smart to kick a bear?" Where do you live where September is Bear-kicking season? (Obvious answer: Wisconsin. Go Packers!)
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Jul 23, 2019 02:17
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My five-year-old son's favorite pasttime is playing with his 50,000 cars. He also likes to incorporate "Bad Guys" into his play. That sets up the following conversation. Him: "Daddy, look at my Jeep!" Me: "Yes, I see it, Buddy! It's a very nice Jeep!" Him: "No, it's broken." Me: "Oh no! Well I hope the driver can fix it!" Him: (in a tone indicating that I have missed the most obvious thing in the world and his Daddy is the biggest moron to have ever lived) The driver is a bad guy. Bad guys don't fix Jeeps!"
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Aug 5, 2019 20:44
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Megaman's Jockstrap posted:"I wrote something nice for you, dad" says my son, handing me a folded piece of paper. I can't stop giggling like an idiot at this.
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Nov 4, 2019 17:52
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This from my 4-year-old daughter: Her: "Knock knock!" Me: "Who's there?" Her: (thinking) "Uh.... Ice Cream Man!" Me: "Ice Cream Man who?" Her: "I want ice cream"
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Nov 27, 2019 04:52
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Behotti posted:But Good Humor is ice cream! 
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Nov 27, 2019 16:27
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My 4 year old daughter: "Daddy, you fart too much!" I do fart a lot. 
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Feb 6, 2020 18:10
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a mysterious cloak posted:My son, age 5, building Lego with my dad: To be fair, we're all old and stupid to a degree. Kids have it figured out, man.
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Feb 7, 2020 20:50
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Leavemywife posted:Usually when my daughter, who is 3, is up to no good, I'll grab her arm and tell her no. It's gentle and gets the point across, and she understands it pretty well. The other day, she wouldn't stay out of the pantry, and I kept getting after her to stay outta there. The other day my daughter was trying to climb up on the counter and I told her "No! That is not safe and you're making poor choices. You need to get down." She walks over to me, puts her hand on her hip, cocks her head to the side and says *WHAT did you just say to me??" 
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Feb 18, 2020 13:19
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My son, this morning: "It smells like bugs in here!"
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Mar 5, 2020 16:35
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Beachcomber posted:Target 11:28pm My 11-year-old a few weeks ago in the waiting room at the doctor's office "I have Coronavirus!" He was playing some stupid life simulation game on my phone and his character got the disease. This was right as it was starting to come into the American public consciousness, but before everything got cancelled. We got some looks.
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Mar 17, 2020 20:23
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Pastry of the Year posted:My nephew is learning about venn diagrams. Kid's got a pretty good handle on it.
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Mar 17, 2020 20:53
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4 year old daughter: "Daddy, will you play babies with me?" Me: "Sure, honey." Daughter: (hands me a baby) "This baby is dead." Me: 
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Mar 19, 2020 14:37
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I heard my six year old son making up a new song while playing with his cars the other day. It consists entirely of the lyric "Baby Yoda is my Mom."
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Apr 13, 2020 15:28
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Hardwood Floor posted:My nephew has been feeling bad because it's been raining a lot and he wants to play on his new playground set. His solution? Kid's got it figured out..
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Apr 21, 2020 05:07
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Cardiovorax posted:Roof the playground, stay dry while you're playing. Seems legit. This is actually a thing. My wife and I took an Alaskan cruise for our honeymoon. One of the stops was in Ketchikan, which is the wettest city in North America. It rains something like 270 days a year. Anyway, we took a bus tour of the city and saw an elementary school up on stilts with the playground underneath so the kids can actually run around outside. edit: Not Ketchikan, and not under a school, but this is a covered playground in Alaska. Sorry about the link because I suck and can't post pics for some reason. https://images.app.goo.gl/XwZ8kM233BKqtSiS8 BigBallChunkyTime has a new favorite as of 15:15 on Apr 22, 2020 |
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Apr 22, 2020 15:08
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I'd watch the poo poo out of that movie.
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Jun 15, 2020 00:48
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From this morning. My daughter was sitting at the table, happily flattening some yellow Play-Doh with her various Play-Doh tools. She then placed it on her hand and walked over to my wife. Daughter: "Mommy, look! I made a puppet!" Wife: "Wow! That's a great puppet, honey!" Daughter: "Eat it!" (Wife and I die of laughter)
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Jun 15, 2020 15:17
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marshmallow creep posted:My 8 year old autistic son got into his mom's nail polish to paint his fingernails. drat. You can't argue with that.
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Dec 2, 2020 18:01
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