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 LESS SHOCKING, LESS TACTICAL, MORE POST RELEASE, SHOCKING TACTICAL POST RELEASE INTEL - 1/11/1111It's got issues, it's pretty fun, and also I updated the FAQ with the guy that punched through his monitor  SHOCKING POST RELEASE TACTICAL INTEL - 11/10/2015True to form, the COD game has connection issues a week post-release. If you were smart enough not to pre-order, hopefully you're also smart enough to wait until December or whatever when the game is actually working to see what the consensus is. There's also some retarded mode in ground war now wherein players protect half naked bodacious babes to the tanning salons which is apparently implemented in a way that's loving stupid as hell. LESS-SHOCKING PRE-RELEASE INTEL - OctoberishTHERE ARE SPREADSHEETS Is it a weeknight, and you're drunk, and you want to find people to play this virtual reality simulation video-game with who can boast MLG Diamond Certified top-notch lobby freestyle, and aren't screeching preteens? Tier One Goon and COD Godfather Spoon Man has created an elite, black operative spreadsheet leveraging the latest in the Microsoft technologies he so adores, where you, a goon, can find the answers you so passionately crave! POST YOUR PLATFORM, ID, AND HAIKU SEE THE RESULTS OF LIKEMINDED GOON GAMERS "Wow," you all say to yourselves as you gently soar back to Earth in your exo-suit, teeth still grinding from the action packed orgiastic riot of carnage that was Call of Duty: Root Beer. "That was loving full of epic win," you mutter to yourself in your gravelly Batman gamer voice. It's been like 5 months. You've jumped hard. You've broken poo poo in real life with how hard you were jumping. You chuckled at that joke I made about the bicuriator even though it didn't really land. You became an MLG pro with all that MLG competition. You've won loving medals in clan wars that were the only thing you've cared about for literally minutes on end last December or whenever they started working before you quit. Your Twitch stream is all full of subscribers and money and chicks flashing their tits at you and poo poo. There's a plaque on your wall that just says "What an epic loving almost half a year." Next to the other 8 of them. But you hunger for more. Sure, the series began with a bang, with COD4, and has matured into a barely recognizable behemoth of deep gameplay, dedicated servers, and numbers, the numbers, so many mother loving numbers it would make Bill Nye poo poo a trillion digit prime despite drawing the ire of goons for paying lip service to intelligent design as a legitimate scientific theory. So where does the series go next? What unexpected twist awaits us? Time and time again we've clutched our fedoras (actually mine is a trilby) as we were swept away by an action packed pack of action that we played for what seemed like hours for an entire week. It's spawned like six clans, numerous Google spreadsheets, a Steam group that surprisingly few people have bothered to leave in the past two years, and over 80% of the threads posted in Games in the past 10 years. It's the most popular game on PC, ever. And now it's time for me to briefly set aside my new subscription to HBO GO, stop bitching about my commute and software development to people who don't care, and open up a new tab in my browser while trying to ignore the thumbnail of a jacked black dude sucking his own dick that's been on the front page of xnxx.com for the past like 8 days. Now I bring you nerds this year's installment, of the Call of the Duty:  Press X to bark, motherfuckers. We begin this year, as always, with three questions: Q: DUUAAHHH DUURRH I BUY CALL OF DUTY? A: You're going to do it anyway, or someone is going to buy it for you like last year and I'm gonna feel bad for not playing it Q: Something else? A: Let's just take a look at the facts: Facts so hard that the Earth's mantle shatters beneath them    Game modes so new, they will tear your rear end in a top hat inside out, rotate it 90 degrees and stick it back in so you will poo poo sideways  Servers so dedicated, they make Franciscan monks look like the noob shitlords they are  Some pork I made last year, god I love this pic  MLG Pro goons absolutely crushing that pussy  And as unbelievable as it may sound, all of that is just random poo poo I had in my My Pictures folder. There's loving more. The cold, hard facts The reality is that this installment promises to be not only the most tactical installment yet, but also the most epic. Preliminary data confirms this, and by cross-indexing with price, we see that this is the most Epicness per dollar available to the American or European or, heh, Australian consumer in recent memory:   Call of Duty: Whatever promises to once again turn the gaming community on its head, thereby possibly turning it upright, but it just doesn't give a poo poo anymore after having been turned on its head so frequently and brutally by the breathtaking innovation seen by the now 5 or 6 separate development studios struggling desperately to slap a new set of menus on the same slop of poo poo game from 2008 without their brutalized and ashamed bastardization of the Quake 3 engine completely disintegrating into a pile of tactical feces. The entire concept of Guns In A Video Game Wherein You Hold Aforementioned Guns In Front Of You At Sort Of An Angle has been shaken up to the point of insanity, like a tasteless shaken baby joke that I'm immediately regretting but not enough to hit the backspace key. In between violent seizures of tactical carnage and fast-paced lobby simulation, you will experience a subdural hematoma of explosive action as you fire a gun that isn't anything like an M4A1 and curse the noob shitlords who stand in opposition as they use another gun that's like an AK47 only not, because clearly both that gun and their connection is superior. New for this edition is a map that was inspired by another map that sucked then also, as well as team-based matches to the death. A killstreak that is sort of fun but not worth getting 17 kills for, but does last long enough for you to remember the Chopper Gunner from Modern Warfare 2. Team deathmatch. A level where something happens, or sometimes doesn't, but basically always does. Tiny pieces of paper poo poo floating through the air everywhere on every map, because war is hell. Rubble. Match-based team deathplay. The color brown. Possibly some undergrowth, and a corner where you can camp. Sixty dollars you could have spent on a tank of gas, and had some money left over, because we are living in an incredible time. The world around you, seemingly gray and dull, as a husk of your former self huddles over your Xbox One and is brought momentarily back to life in a flash of nostalgia as the number "100" pops up on your screen and you remember a simpler time, when people you liked actually played this dumb poo poo, whose voices are now but a ghostly echo reverberating through your nearly empty mind with words of switching to GTA V or Titanfall that remain now as ever nothing more than an ethereal gust of hope that will never come to be. A single-player portion of a multi-billion dollar franchise where you actually play as a German Shepherd and press X to bark. More team deathmatch. No UAVs, as they're simply too powerful. And blackness. That's right. In addition to being the most tactical, one will find that these ops are also 50% blacker than previous Ops encountered by the MLG pro community:  There is, of course, much, much more to come. I plan to update this thread with the factual fervor with which I updated the A&W thread--meaning once, but with a lot of words. But alas, I'm exhausted, and I need to post this before some loving nerd who takes this retarded poo poo seriously posts a thread and I have to wait around until October for it to be totally abandoned and Wazzit to tell me to post another. So with that, let's all cozy up in our leopard print slankets, throw some pillows around until the bedroom is a mess of feathers and giggles and semen, and suit the gently caress up for Call of Duty  Black Cops (Three) Factual FAQ Facts: These assume you're on a console, because if you buy COD on PC then you clearly don't listen to reason Q: How do I COD better? A: Play on a smaller monitor/TV and stop loving sprinting everywhere. That's literally it. Q: Is this one horribly broken? A: As of 1/11, not really, for a COD game Q: I had a guy that was literally AFK I went up behind him and shot him in the back of the head...point loving blank range and guess what he didn't die. How might I, a gamer, alleviate this frustration, at personal expense of up to $400 or the current value of my Chromebook adjusted for depreciation? A: Take your cue from forums poster Mr. McGibblets: Mr. McGibblets posted:Well to be fair only $300...Probably $50 after depreciation and all in damage was done to my lovely chrome book that I've been wanting to replace but never had a reason to...at least now I do. I had been browsing new computers in between matches and after playing bullshit core I decided to see how durable it was. I loving hate core playlists they are loving horrible and I'm sick of getting 4-5 hit markers on someone only to have them one shot me. I had a guy that was literally AFK I went up behind him and shot him in the back of the head...point loving blank range and guess what he didn't die. Hardcore is where it is at. FAT WORM OF ERROR posted:hell yeah Q: Could the above be related to anger issues extending beyond a game in 2016 having issues with hit detection? What effect might this have on my experience and immersion? A: Mr. McGibblets posted:No I just have anger issues when a game in 2016 has issues with hit detection...ruining my experience and immersion and to think people are sold on this whole virtual reality thing just lol. Q: Saggy's laugh? A: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COEZLbZmtnA  Q: What sorts of new killstreaks might one find in this game? A:  Q: Literally every other question? A: It's a COD game Stubear St. Pierre fucked around with this message at 05:50 on Jan 19, 2016 |
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Apr 29, 2015 04:08
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SA Spoonman's Statistical Bonanza - Below, you'll find posts created by resident nerd SA Spoon Man, crafted via vBulletin, a vast array of Microsoft personal computing hardware and software, and lots and lots of love. Also possibly other poo pooSpoon Man posted:Hackan showed me some raw export of gun stats. It was a mess, so I cleaned it up for myself. Have a NAT type in COD that isn't what your XBone says? Below is a post by software imagineer and self-proclaimed Sultan of Sensuality: the guy who provided the only useful response to some assembly code posted in a past thread, with a beard presumably as luxurious and gray as a December morning; sacred information which is only to be imbibed by the privileged, or those select few who press X at the multiplayer menu venutolo posted:This might be due to the Xbone checking the regular ports (TCP: 80, UDP: 88, 500, 3544, 4500, TCP/UDP: 53, 3074), and CoD also checking TCP/UDP 3075. It also might be due to call of duty being a steaming pile of poo poo Stubear St. Pierre fucked around with this message at 23:08 on Nov 10, 2015 |
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Apr 29, 2015 04:11
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MinibarMatchman posted:looks like you didn't even season that loving pork. put some sauce on that poo poo you brownshooter poopnoob. 0/10 A true noob is one whose pork needs sauce to be palatable
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Apr 29, 2015 15:32
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Mister Macys posted:
Actually, 
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May 4, 2015 02:52
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Wazzit posted:I've been furiously refreshing Driftor's channel for some sweet wife cosplay but he's been making GBS threads up his loving channel with this 40 minute raw footage of Black Ops 3 multiplayer what the gently caress he cosplays as his wife?
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Jul 1, 2015 11:47
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Figured I'd check in as OP and Thread Captain to offer some choice responsesYardbomb posted:Why is domination of all things the second most popular mode, it's just been 'Huck frags, wear flak jacket: The mode' since 4. goons are gay FAT WORM OF ERROR posted:This game looks OK, I'm going to buy it (on the Xbone), thanks for reading. i'm going to put this post on a plaque and mail it to you in your backwards inbred island hellscape after you quit in the first week
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Aug 23, 2015 18:33
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which of those spreadsheets is supposed to go in the op
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Sep 26, 2015 15:40
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I put the spreadsheet poo poo in the OP. Nice work spoon. Still have yet to see so much as a screenshot of this game but I'm pretty much resigned to buying it because I want to shoot stuff goddamn it
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Oct 4, 2015 03:12
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does "battered wife syndrome" need to be gender neutral now
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Oct 6, 2015 05:16
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special thanks to broman for uploading this and not deleting it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pWIvLXhJJU (epilogue: they voted for nuketown again)
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Oct 17, 2015 21:30
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doing my best (half-assed) job to update the OP, specifically the second post of the OP, with useful stuff
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Nov 10, 2015 23:00
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Updated the OP with all the new stuff we've learned about Chromebooks, figured someone somewhere will have the same questions
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Jan 12, 2016 04:54
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done
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Jan 19, 2016 05:50
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cod is meant to be played at 1600x900 imo
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Jan 19, 2016 06:00
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new thread https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3783276
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Jul 15, 2016 05:44
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Mister Macys posted:Paging Stubear St. Pierre to ask the mods to make that the thread title 
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Sep 18, 2016 02:18
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just to respond to some posts from four months ago--SubponticatePoster posted:Stu no matter how dumb and bad the games get your OPs will always be pro-tier.  Mister Macys posted:
yes, I did, and yes, I did. The bullshit I did for that OP took a couple months. iirc I basically looked through the archives by hand to find all the old threads from when threads were limited to 100ish pages, and then I took down the release dates of all the games to gauge stuff like how fast posting tapered off after release, how many unique users there were in the first two weeks when a game came out compared to January, how sentiment changed over that time, and some other stuff. The problem was that sentiment analysis is loving stupid, and doesn't work unless the text you look at is basically "HOORAY TRUMP ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"--and those of us who aren't filthy snow-eating commies like you can see how poorly that sort of data science went for the DNC (that's who does that poo poo). Anyway then I got bored with it all and abandoned it until wazzit cyberbullied me into writing another thread, at which point I just said gently caress it, it's about Macy's now. I might include more goonalytics in the future.
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Nov 13, 2016 01:12
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