Manifisto posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EO6sXMd3sE

FactsAreUseless posted:

The only epidemic is the team fun being passed down through the family, the American family, like we used to have back in the day, back before it was all bisexual communist dental hygienists running the trains and the planes, back when everyone played baseball, every day, every drat day whether we wanted to or not, beating the poo poo out of anything leather we could find, we were crazy for it, a mouth-foaming bloodlust like John Wayne in his classic film John Wayne Rides The Horse Again, but I guess that's not America anymore, I guess America's more about everyone gets a trophy when they find a piece of the old America in their backyard, buried down with the dead hamsters and your dad's Miles Davis records, I guess that's just about how things are now but by god I can still feel my body floating like a fetus on a massive pool of Cracker Jack.

SciFiDownBeat posted:

A young traveler consulted with an old master. "What is the secret to everlasting happiness?"

The master responded, "Go to the summit of the mountain. Retrieve what you find and bring it here, and you will have your answer."

The young traveler spent the next three days scaling the mountain. Athletic and worldly as he was, by the time he reached the top he felt almost completely drained of his energy. All he found at the summit was a simple hut, and inside, a small black wooden box sealed with a lock. Another three days later, he made it back to the old master. The master removed the lock with a key hanging on a string around his neck. Inside lay two really fat blunts.

The old master took one and lit it, and gestured to the young traveler. "Help yourself my dude." The traveler replied, "Lmao," and was enlightened.

Nosfereefer posted:

i sort of feel its like breaking open a piggy bank, only it tasted like old bong water

Manifisto posted:

pixy stix room in which kim deal chews twigs into a fine powder while black francis freestyles blank verse about aliens

Manifisto posted:

you may be asking yourself "why are we here?" I know I am. I am confused and frankly rather terrified about the meaning of life, and more specifically about my role in the universe, not to mention what will happen when I'm gone. the important thing when confronting feelings like this is to alternately bottle them up deep inside, letting them paralyze you; then wallow in them, channeling your fear and helplessness into extremely unhealthy and destructive behaviors. let my life be an inspiration to you. *pauses for five minutes, snorts line of cocaine, weeps uncontrollably then suddenly bursts into unhinged laughter*

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

dick sucking robot vs. mitch sucking robot: a rap battle in the dark, in the basement of an abandoned house

mitch sucking robot vs. chuck sucking robot: gently caress, mitch suckling in dick

mitch sucking robot vs. jean wearing robot: dank sucking robot is the real dick

jean wearing robot vs. jean sucking robot: dick, dude's dick

jean wearing robot vs. jean sucking robot: the loving dick

jean wearing robot vs. jean sucking robot: the dick is bigger than your dick

jean wearing robot vs. jean sucking robot: you know what this poo poo is? this dick tastes just like rear end

jean wearing robot vs. jean sucking robot: the loving rear end is bigger than your dick

jean wearing robot vs. jean sucking robot: i don't like dicks, gently caress dicks

jean wearing robot vs. jean sucking robot: you loving idiot

mitch sucking robot vs. jean wearing robot: dick...you know what? this is the only dick ever made for a toy

micah: is the dick bigger or bigger than a dick?

mitch sucking robot vs. jean wearing robot: is it bigger than your dick?

jean wearing robot vs. mitch sucking robot:

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

God: your loving wife is the greatest loving bitch in the entire universe!
Me: i know
God: im sorry dude, you had the right idea. I think it would be fun having her to watch me work the loving machine!
God: yeah but i don't know if it's fair to have her watching me work the machine, because its my wife! im just loving pissed right now
Me: what if your wife thinks u are a creep?
God: I'm loving sure he will.
Me: oh no i don't understand
God: no dude, I was asking why you didn't like me.
Me: what exactly do you mean?
God: umm, it just doesn't feel right, because she is my wife.
Me: but you are also cheating on her.
God: yeah, im really loving sure she would see me as the creep if I was cheating on her
Me: but what if you have to do it?
God: sure, i do, she might not like it, but umm. it's my job now, so yeah.
Me: but what if she just has sex with me?
God: I bet she won't.
Me: lol

PHIZ KALIFA posted:

increase your Personal Space bubble to reduce Anxiety by t-posing in public transit while the soviet national anthem plays from your phone speaker. if you jump as the bus crosses zones you'll clip out of the back and land without having to pay the fare.

Goons Are Great posted:

Bitch my butt is God's gift to humanity, don't fight me

alnilam posted:

biosterous posted:

BORN TO THREAD
GEORGE IS A gently caress
Wash Em All 1947
I am trash goblin
410,757,864,530 DEAD GRANDMAS

prepuce repurposed posted:

from the skanky ppl thread

Glutes Are Great posted:

canyoneer posted:

HAIL FELLOW
TIS A FINE CAP
FOR A JESTER TO WEAR
TO THE HIPPODROME
THOU FOOL

Nosfereefer posted:

vlad the inhaler

FactsAreUseless posted:

Haha, five o' the clock, heading home to the old ball and chain. See you tomorrow, Jerry.
/


Doo ba da ba ba bah, doo ba dee dah
/

solarNativity posted:

https://i.imgur.com/EHFFGYE.mp4

e: this may not be exactly 220 cans. feel free to count/do the math

bad guy posted:

well let's break it down before this thread gets moved to a different location, op. i myself tend to believe that just about anything can be funny in the right circumstances. for example, if you particularly got, or had aids, that might be pretty funny to me, but if it were anyone else, then it wouldn't. that's not because i hate you it's because you posting this thread is kind of like you saying to the universe "hey, give me aids, i think it could be funny" so i would be laughing *with* you, plus i imagine you live in a country where drugs are available to treat aids. it's not the death sentence it once was. so basically it's like if you posted a thread that asked whether it was funny to get a pie in the face and saying it could be funny and then boom, you got a pie in the face, only it's an aids pie, if you get my meaning.

but none of the things you posted were funny to me so i think maybe aids is not going to be your "bit" unless you're willing to go full slapstick route and get aids every day for my benefit in different ways like you slip on a banana peel and get it somehow, or when the big shepherds crook comes to yank you offstage, it doesn't just remove you from sight, it also gives you aids. even then you'd basically be a gallagher type prop comic, only instead of watermelons it's aids and that's pretty much the lowest form of humor. i think you can do better. i believe in you.

Manifisto posted:

rear end-penny posted:

Pretend I did the work of combining these into a meme, I'm high and at work and phone posting, so I'm not actually doing that.