"Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > "Anonymous Confessions: The legend of pissbitch".

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Isaac posted:

I came here to talk about the dog series wtf

# ¿ Jul 8, 2016 01:44

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 18:45

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

A Strange Aeon, indeed.

Just stop for a second and remind yourself how amazingly unlikely it is that you were born at all, not to mention exist as part of this radical era in human history.

# ¿ Jul 10, 2016 06:48

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

H.H posted:

quote:
fustratingly

did not climax

# ¿ Jul 24, 2016 06:56

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Red Suit posted:

Really good to get that off my chest btw.

~Like hairs off a twink's chest~

# ¿ Jul 25, 2016 01:05

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Guys everyone stop the rubber band / tether method has been used to castrate male livestock from time immemorial.

FFS it gets numb, purples, shrivels and blackens with necrosis until it falls off.

H.H posted:

You really shouldn't do that to yourself, though.

# ¿ Jul 28, 2016 03:51

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Also my 2 cents you don't get to call cats cattes unless you yourself are a godsdamned cat-lover...

e:

Putty posted:

if you refer to cats as "cattes" please strap a dildo to a desk fan and tornado plow your rear end to oblivion

# ¿ Jul 28, 2016 03:52

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Reclaimer posted:

Tragedy does weird poo poo to the human brain and sometimes it just keeps coming back around.

S'Truth - that's why it's so good to let it out sometimes, get rid of it somehow. That said:

It's true: I am a godsdamned cat-lover. My current little black number is calling for me to stroke her whilst she sticks her face in a bowl of food, she just tugged on the edge of my shirt so I suppose I must away~ :kimchi:

# ¿ Jul 28, 2016 04:25

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

I've done the handless orgasm before...
:shrug:

It's a hypnosis tape that makes you do a bunch of male kegels while you're zonked out imagining some sexual scenarios. You need a rather strong control of your imagination plus plenty of time and patience, and even then the hypnosis files themselves also tend to come with a lot of extra hypnodomme baggage added onto the mix so I wouldn't really recommend it over just jerking it analog unless you truly do enjoy torturing yourself.

The brain is the most erogenous zone of the body, mind you. :wink:

# ¿ Jul 31, 2016 07:58

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Rupert Buttermilk posted:

teledildonics

# ¿ Jul 31, 2016 14:22

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

BLOCK MESSAGE OF RESPONSES INCOMING.... :ovr:

H.H posted:

Still in Love with a Sociopath posted:
i'm glad someone acted like i exist even if they think i'm fake too.

he's going to be gone for awhile. i feel like something hibernating or going dead in winter. but he left me with just enough psychological degradation to last.

i thought i wanted advice but there's no advice for me. no one can save a bomb that's destined to go off. something else will hit the trigger before he comes back. or he'll come back, and i'll head that way again.

thanks anyway.

Hey not joking here but I've met and known the guy who created Harley Quinn, modern-day comics' patron saint of codependent psycho-girls. She wasn't real back when her creator (Paul Dini) was obsessively drawing her in order to make her part of the Batman animated series, and yet she's sure as poo poo "real" now, in the sense that she's a character seen in film, games, cartoons, comics, cosplays, etc. On top of all that, Mr. Dini also went on to marry a curvy female magician, who I'm sure shares a lot of personality quirks similar to this dream-girl of his... Regardless, all I'm trying to get at you with this is, puddin', darling, is that ya gotta not get so worked up over what's 'real' and what's 'fake' about yourself just so long as you're taking the time and learning tools to master yourself and your feelings so you can get your hopes and dreams and sense-of-self to a place where you can finally create for yourself a positive, stable, and constructive reality. "If you build it, they will come" is the mentality here, because:

Right now you're "dreaming" of getting to a point where you can "explode freely -like a bomb- as accorded by 'destiny'," either due to this rear end in a top hat guy that hurt & left you most recently, or by "something (or anything) else" that will inevitably trigger it. It sound like a lot of negative wish fulfillment (understandably so) from a person who's constantly paralyzed with fear and doubt and a deep-seated resentment for herself and everything around her.

Guess what snookums, you're both bomb and bomb squad at the same time, so guess who knows which wires are gonna be best to cut in order to disarm that self-destructive trap you're setting yourself up with? Please, disregard whatever tripe I've said earlier if it doesn't jive with your worldview, just so long as what you take from this that you've got to learn how to support yourself as a self-supporting, self-invested individual, and that means seeking out methods of therapy that speak strongly to you and going to talk-support sessions with others as well.
Of course it's easy to blame yourself: who's going to fight back? But how much of what you say to yourself regularly about yourself would even be remotely tolerated if it came from someone else's mouth?
Slowly and surely, over time and with work, you too can learn to be at peace with all the many wonderful ways the world can gently caress you over - and part of that has to do with being able to rely upon yourself.

Love thyself. Love thy neighbor. Don't gently caress thy neighbor- just love them. And again, love thyself, for thou art god, and in knowing oneself you know the face of god.

Moving onward~

H.H posted:

Terribly Jealous of My Coworker Friend posted:
My friend and his wife are gamer nerd types that never argue about anything and think if you have to change your behavior in a marriage you're doing it wrong.
(...)
It's really hard to be happy for our own success when my friend has everything we want and hasn't had to bust his rear end to get it. It's given him and his wife the perception these things don't take much effort to get. Whenever my wife gets depressed and talks about how she always imagined having kids and owning a home in her thirties it makes me particularly bitter that we have struggled and worked so hard and don't have nearly as much to show for it.

Even though your life feels like a never-ending trial I swear to you you're gonna appreciate the ever-living gently caress out of the concrete, hard-won progress you and your wife have been making together in these last years and the years to come. It sounds like you also already know well in advance that your coworker-friend and his well-dowried, "huge tracts of land" insta-homeowner wife are vidya gaming away their cushy lives and cruising down Easy Street on her daddy's sound investments, which is all fun and dandy up until the Rolls Royce of comfort zones breaks down smack dab in the middle of dysfunctiontown and they can't work out how to stop arguing or treat each other like human beings or act like proper and responsible parents. That money differential that's bugging you so much also is going to play a huge factor in how your coworker-friend's life turns out when he and his loaded wife start to having their first actual dispute that can't ignored or smoothed over by gobs of cash and distractions.

Seriously he's gonna have a really lovely life in 5-10 years if he and his wife still haven't worked how to communicate or resolve their interpersonal issues, I can guarantee that. So try not to experience quite so much schadenfreude when you find out his wife's family lawyers took the house and the kids and are still screwing him for every penny in alimony, because seriously I'm telling you right now that this is going to happen so at least if he actually is your friend you should try to give him a heads-up if you see these kinds of emotional-maturity problems looming on the horizon.

Ey, and speaking of -freude:

KomodoWagon posted:

Germans very much like to be as bored as possible at all times, working as much overtime as they can get and then finding lovely pastimes to waste their lives on when they finally get off. It is a state of being that they refer to as "Freude" - scholars translate this word as "happiness," but the two concepts have no real relation.

Happiness and Joy are similar yet distinct sensations, just like pleasure and freude, which considering it's a German word describing a German sensation of happiness it's probably closest to existing in a state of "peaceful complacency."

That being the case, namaste and freude be with you.

H.H posted:

anon posted:
shut the gently caress up nooner

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

H.H posted:

Sorry, nooner.

BTW, why is every post of yours bolded?

Nooner's always been an unapologetically self-important pant-shitter, and now with this fresh new "style" of his it makes it even more obvious! :grin:

So, now that we're on the topic of shatting your pints:

City of Tampa posted:

just wiping poop everywhere all the time

Never stop wiping until you see white or red, is my go-to motto.

Then again, I guess I could also order one of those bidet-like "attachments" that hooks up under a normal toilet seat, and then I wouldn't ever have to re-experience that horrifyingly Sisyphean chore of cleaning out chunky peanut butter from a shag rug carpet using nothing but a paper towel and a bloody rectum to show for it all... Clean up you're butts better GBS! :tutbutt:

BLOCK MESSAGES MISSIVE COMPLETED:... :ovr:

END TRANSMISSION

e:tiny words and letters

Dinosaurmageddon fucked around with this message at 05:12 on Aug 11, 2016

# ¿ Aug 11, 2016 04:59

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Pretty sure the recurring sock-donged-singers guy and the public-pee-on-me-party guy are one and the same.

# ¿ Aug 14, 2016 00:39

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

bald gnome error posted:

i'm the guy who refers to loving whores as a "hobby" and also i can't use my arms so good anymore cause i strained all the muscles in my torso from patting my own back so frantically, on account of how i once told a woman i gently caress whores, and then that lying bitch broke up with me instead of understanding that i'm actually a crusader for the dignity and respect whores deserve. i also post about this anonymously on www dot something awful dot com. i'm basically like a white mlk jr for whores and i don't know why no one else sees that

It is nice to finally meet you (the future legend) in e-person! Tell me, what is your favorite flavor of whore?

Mine is sparkle cowgirl :angel:

# ¿ Aug 14, 2016 23:12

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Squalitude posted:

As a "friend" once told me, you haven't lived until you've paid a Dutch prostitute to piss in your mouth. I think there's a 50-50 chance he was serious.

TBF if I was a sex worker in Amsterdam I would also love pissing on tourists's faces for pay.

# ¿ Aug 21, 2016 02:10

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

You are, anon, yes you are.

# ¿ Aug 21, 2016 07:47

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Anonymous Confessions: There Wasn't Parenting

# ¿ Aug 22, 2016 22:21

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Also, for most of your early development Mommy can't or won't explain why she's fighting tooth-and-nail to prevent you from ever seeing Daddy again. That's gonna create a LOT of issues, long-term.

Lesson Learned: TALK IT OUT folks!

# ¿ Aug 22, 2016 22:29

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Ibogaine and sex therapy for everyone here, please. Thank you.

# ¿ Aug 27, 2016 17:23

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

I find the idea of a grown man who can't handle his poo poo around a disabled or disfigured person to be disproportionately funnier than the disabled person's existence.

(That said, if you learn to call them dwarfs or little people instead of "midgets" then suddenly they're not nearly as funny by default. Cool pro-tip!)

Also, guys, if you have "performance anxiety" and lose your momentum easily in the sack then buy yourself a cock-ring. It's a cheap silicone rubber band that keeps the blood in the glans, and helps if you're shy, nervous, can't feel much thanks to condoms, or for when you're jacking yourself off so much that your penis is too tired and shies away from real sex with a woman.

# ¿ Aug 29, 2016 00:21

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

DoctorStrangelove posted:

Same. I honestly think "dwarf" is probably the best thing to call them.

Until they change the name of the genetic condition itself, dwarfs (and not dwarVes) are gonna have dwarfism.

"Little people" is just as awkward to say as people- or persons of color, but man sometimes you just wanna communicate something without people getting in a huge tizzy about how the story's set up.

That being said, midget, idjit, widget, fidget, gidjit, digit these are all funny-sounding words (except the last one for some reason, unless someone's asking for them :geno:

# ¿ Aug 29, 2016 03:42

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Zorodius posted:

She's going to meet a man who really "gets" who she is and sees into her soul and isn't afraid to shove her off a murder boat

I can almost imagine her true beau...

# ¿ Sep 3, 2016 03:47

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

RatHat posted:

I don't get it.

Eh, the character Niles in the sitcom Frasier had a hypochondriac wife who was excessively rich and a huge pain in the rear end.

# ¿ Sep 3, 2016 09:24

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Hey guys I'm a rabidly obsessed fan of this one musician's work and so I've been reading every interaction the guy's had with the media lately; he's been saying some confusing things about UFOs and angels to the press instead of making music and so I did a bunch of drugs and wrote an anonymous confession where my self-insert jam session buddy gets to become an archpriest in this musician's cult religion based on musical fart jokes.

If there's any one comedic band for which I would walk through the gates of hell, it could only be the Tenacious D.

# ¿ Sep 5, 2016 00:27

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

If you goons hadn't immediately piled on and cried foul at the worker's comp "Ren-fest" confessor, we could've been treated to an out-of-control followup where the guy gets attacked by axes thrown at him by his pissed coworkers! < :mad:

# ¿ Sep 9, 2016 22:03

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

I hear they gently caress in the tents, no joke it's like drama-summercamp with carnies in final fantasy costumes.

# ¿ Sep 10, 2016 04:28

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Orkin Mang posted:

its a species of retro depression

# ¿ Sep 10, 2016 04:30

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 18:45

Dinosaurmageddon: Jul 7, 2007; by zen death robot; Hell Gem

Jose posted:

my friend took drugs at a musical festival once and woke me up at 4am to let me know someone had slashed the outer layer of the tent so they could pour liquid in allowing them to xray us while we were asleep

He wasn't wrong? :shrug:

I mean, when you're zipped up in the hyperdome cocoon, light is a liquid! :pseudo:

Also, just L_otsO_fL_ove if you think Unidentified Transcendental Entities aren't brainscanning the campgrounds at music festivals every night.

# ¿ Sep 18, 2016 23:01

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