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Bhodi posted:if a corporate building as the afterlife is the most depressing thing nah, not just a corporate building. you die, and you're in a conference room. you're seated off in a corner and it turns out you're the only technical resource for an HR project, and the room is otherwise only full of HR people. they have a powerpoint deck. as they reach each slide, they pause for someone to ask a question that has nothing to do with that slide. you're lost and confused but know better than to ask for an explanation. after every such question someone cracks an in-joke and the whole room erupts in shrill, nightmarish laughter. you dont get the joke. every time they progress far enough that they're nearly at the end of the slide deck, someone new enters and the group as a whole chooses to start over at the beginning. all you have to comfort yourself is bad office coffee, and the constant question of why the whole floor smells of potpourri. ask me how i know what hell looks like.
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Feb 16, 2017 20:56
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| # ¿ May 17, 2024 14:23 |
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unrelated hanging in my director's office for a quick meeting. on his whiteboard wall he has this quote quote:Be passionate that none of us are smarter than the collection of all of us. i can't help but feel something got misquoted. 
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Feb 16, 2017 21:03
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two of this meeting's attendees sit basically back to back in a cube farm. "I was already going to going to going to" "hang on hang on hang on" "i was just saying i was going was going was going was going" "hold on nick can you mute can you mute can you mute" "im already muted muted muted"
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Feb 17, 2017 17:00
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Shaggar posted:SSO for authentication is easy as hell. Its authorization that's a bitch.
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Feb 17, 2017 19:39
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"Cool! Oracle stack all the way!" actual quote from actual coworker, and i'm thinking about a two martini lunch.
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Feb 21, 2017 17:40
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Feb 26, 2017 01:21
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also
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Feb 26, 2017 01:26
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coffeecup posted:I saw this recently and couldn't be sure if it was a parody. Aside from making Agile look like a sloppy joke, it's seriously one of the worst, most unhelpful diagrams ever made. It conveys zero amount of meaning because it's such a messy piece of garbage. it's legit. both come courtesy of a friend that works at Deloitte (doing non-IT consulting poo poo)
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Feb 26, 2017 02:00
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A Pinball Wizard posted:I assumed that was a parody of the London tube map.... do they actually use that to sell poo poo? yeah. Deloitte, PWC, Ernst and Young, all that sort of management consulting poo poo has a business model predicated on selling services to confused and directionless executive management teams unable or unwilling to listen to their own in-house expertise. adding to that confusion means more business. the more they can boost the view that IT, or financials, or what the hell ever is a massive dangerous labyrinth of terror, the more consulting hours they can bill.
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Feb 26, 2017 15:18
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speaking of consultant shitlords haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha
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Feb 27, 2017 13:40
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i was just told that this amazon S3 outage is loving up webex i think we can all agree that's basically worth the other aggravation.
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Feb 28, 2017 20:56
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so part of what we're building includes a people search / employee directory function. we're a week and a half from go live of the whole thing. it got pointed out today that our HR folks have a naughty bad data practice, which is that to maintain certain special employee codes, they edit job descriptions and titles to include them. for some of these statuses, like retirees on pension, this isn't so big a deal: it just lists them as JOE Q BABYBOOMER, DBA, Retiree. it also, however, lists people that are on severance, on leave, blah blah. the fix is to get them to stop doing so, but w/e. to demonstrate this, over the screen sharing, someone brought up an employee they knew to have been canned and on severance. that employee was the Director that had formerly been the business owner of the project, fired because (among other reasons) the project had been kind of a poo poo show because he'd just halfassed it the whole way through good team building moment there.
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Mar 1, 2017 15:55
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Captain Foo posted:why is everything about your company so terrible it's not, i just don't bitch about the good poo poo here.
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Mar 2, 2017 15:24
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dude interrupts an in person meeting to ask if another present person had just read his IM. "hang on a minute". the whole meeting stops for a bit and watches her reading her IM. edit- followup on the IM "hang on let me share my screen with you so you can read this email" Iridium fucked around with this message at 16:23 on Mar 6, 2017 |
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Mar 6, 2017 16:14
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"... and we can discuss this in detail later but" this statement comes 20 minutes into the 15 minute scrum (which hasn't been <30 min for six months or so), all of which was dedicated to the one topic.
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Mar 15, 2017 14:51
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"alright, well, let's break for lunch then." "Ok, sure! Just one more question.... right, so one more thing.... I see, let's go over one more thing... Good ok" "Right so something I'd like to discuss is..." "We also need to go over..." "Oh and something else we should cover today..." ffs.
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Mar 24, 2017 16:48
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Captain Foo posted:Start eating your lunch loudly into the phone tragically, i was one of those physically present, it was a side bar for a war room for a huge launch we just did. they'd just handed out lunch vouchers for the cafeteria as they tend to when we're all hanging out seconds before that whole exchange occurred. cafeteria does good calzones tho, so i feel better now.
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Mar 24, 2017 17:14
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wow really been a roller coaster afternoon for the thread. take a breather everyone, it's important to practice self care before and after self abuse
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Mar 25, 2017 01:22
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yesterday i called my congressman's office to tell him to go gently caress himself. later on in the evening i got a call from his office (twice but didnt answer the first time). once I picked up there was a recording of the scumbag telling me to stay on the linee TO BE CONNECTED TO A TELE-TOWNHALL WITH MY FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS IN THE 3RD DISTRICT hung up on that poo poo but now slightly regret it, because that surely would have been amazingly hosed up conference call no matter how they tried to handle it.
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Mar 28, 2017 11:09
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Mad Wack posted:hi team, please describe conference calls using just three words as this is best practice suicidal ideation machine
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Mar 28, 2017 17:22
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"Last week, X, Y, Z, and I got together to discuss this issue. This is primarily a process problem, the new system allows for some targeting and security, and it sounds like the content people are having some difficulty grasping the nuances." "Ok, let's get a meeting to discuss. I want you, X, Y, and Z in on it."
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Apr 3, 2017 18:40
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Dev: "Sorry, I was on mute." PM: "It's ok, we were on Deaf so it all works out."
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Apr 24, 2017 15:28
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<9:30 meeting> Vendor, our team's non-PMs join call. "Ok, we'll give everyone a few minutes to join." <9:35> "PM1 hasn't joined, can we sent out a reminder? We really can't start without him." "Yeah, I just sent it out." <minutes go by> PM1 emails saying they can't find the dial in info that was just sent out. PM2 joins unexpectedly. <9:40> PM1 joins. "Hi all, sorry, I was having some difficulty with the dial in." PM2: "Hey, glad you're here, can we go over the <completely unrelated poo poo and nobody understands what she means> PM1: "Ok, can we take that offline so we can get to the demo here?" PM2: "Sure, I just want to make sure it's understood that..." <9:45> PM1: "Ok, let's get started then!" <9:48> "Ok, so that looks good, any questions?"
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May 11, 2017 14:48
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hobbesmaster posted:i like to change things up and have my cats yell instead
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May 11, 2017 15:22
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when you would normally quietly message a coworker on a conference call to SHUT THE gently caress UP because they're giving the business the wrong loving idea and letting them run wild, but can't because they're busy presenting their whole desktop
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May 17, 2017 20:26
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a few coworkers have my cell phone number but that's mostly an emergency thing, or because i work remote a couple days a week. but yeah no, i don't give out my cell lightly. they used to issue a work one for me but took that away, and there's no way i want my personal cell # making the rounds. they proved in general that they can't handle that poo poo when, a few years ago when i was on vacation, a project manager that I didn't have any projects with got a hold of my personal email (lucky guess with myname@gmail) and started sending poo poo to that expecting me to reply. my boss kindly went and smacked the poo poo out of her for it. and plenty of other previous questionable calls when they knew I was unavailable for poo poo. but in general Wasabi the J posted:work is gay. yeah, these are coworkers. i'm friendly with them, i'll grab lunch with them and tell stories now and then and sometimes hang out a little after work, but they are not friends.
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May 18, 2017 12:41
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we all hop onto Skype meeting. one of our directors puts what appears to be a password into chat director immediately leaves without a word.
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May 24, 2017 19:38
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my boss, a native of New Orleans, was in his youth cursed by a voodoo priestess with an absolute inability to host a meeting that ends on time. no matter what he does, how quick he tries to get through it, or how much he attempts to defer discussion to another time there is always inevitably "one more thing" that he or someone has to bring up to be sure we get dragged past that end point. its truly impressive.
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Jun 5, 2017 16:34
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over the past couple weeks on conference calls there's been a weird trend that crops up. someone, upon calling in, invariably manages to trigger my boss's voicemail system. it plays through his whole message, tells you to leave a message after the tone, press a number to listen to your own messages, etc. and then if that person doesn't hang up, it waits for 3 minutes and says you've hit the message length limit. i assume it's my boss who's having this issue, as since this started he seems not to participate in conference calls much anymore, but he won't own up to it and we've never seen this particular magic out of him before. good times. happened again today on what turned out to be our last ever scrum call for this project. not because the project is finished, mind you... we just ran out of money to keep paying this dev firm to work on little enhancements that the business keeps wanting. i will miss their inherent nonsense.
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Jun 28, 2017 14:54
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coworker just called into a bridge from the courthouse where he's appearing for something or other and didn't mute his phone while the bailiff was barking orders at the defendants to get in line and poo poo surprised they were allowing phones but whatever.
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Jun 29, 2017 18:45
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decided to score this from the last conference call i had. so close!  other options tho * "Sorry for all of you on the phone, we're drawing on the whiteboard" * Multiple people announcing themselves at once so that at least one person has to repeat their name 3+ times. * Someone's other phone rings * Someone's other phone rings, and they answer it and talk without thinking to go on mute.
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Jul 15, 2017 02:47
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back in 2011 we implemented an update to our already-aged identity management system. this update meant it was pinned to a domain cert that had a 10 year lifespan, and surely that old, creaky system would be sunset and etc. yeah you get where this is going. we're on a conference call right now, doing screen sharing / remote control of a server with the only guy who still remembers the process, who is also out on paternity leave. the cert expired last week. but can it be a more hosed call? Yes! the manager who opened the call on skype is worried that if he hangs up, it drops everyone, so he just left the line open in a conference room where he'd started the call. and of course, the two actually working on it have been reading the domain admin password back to one another. (luckily only for QA) while there's an open speakerphone and nobody, supposedly, in the room. in the background, through the open conference room door, we can hear people using the microwave at the breakroom just past it. good times, great oldies. our IDM team has had projects on the books each year since 2012 to stand up the replacement system and finally sunset this one. only last year did the new one get stood up, and they're way loving far behind on migrations to it. whenever they begin asking us to list risks or issues on a project, i call them out specifically as one. And I'm never wrong.
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Jul 24, 2017 17:26
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graph posted:were ditching webex for zoom we used zoom with a vendor for the last major project. as someone who dialed into them all the time it was mostly ok. didn't care for the interface but it wasnt horrible or anything. only actual problem is that their setup called from some common number that had been marked as a telemarketer so one day i had to whitelist it or it'd get blocked when it would call my cell.
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Jul 24, 2017 17:49
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mishaq posted:
even internal, drat. all of our current internal problems using it are very clearly either user issues (my boss simply cannot adapt to this fancy new tech after so many years of webex and i earnestly look forward to his coming heart attack as a major career goal for me), or because the in-office wifi is frequently lovely. external users calling in often have issues, or did, they might have gotten that worked out finally.
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Jul 25, 2017 13:36
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PM: "I'm not the expert here, I just want to clarify whether or not X is going to be the case." Business: "Yes, X." Vendor: "Yup, X is what we developed for." QA: "Yes, we can see X." PM: "Ok hang on, I'm just trying to confirm X though."
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Aug 3, 2017 18:43
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i always carefully check my mute before swearing at people who are being boring at me.
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Sep 21, 2017 19:22
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i got press-ganged into being a project manager for one of our annual things a month ago (because yet another PM has quit) i protest this a great deal because it is loving bullshit that i get to be the garbage dump just cuz they can't manage to keep a PM for more than 18 months, but in the interim 1- all of my meetings are skype only because i'm not so insecure as to need to have everyone in the room with me 2- none of them have been a clusterfuck at all 3- none of my weekly status meetings, past the first one where we set everything up, have taken more than 15 minutes. 4- we are on time and without complications but tragically this means they're likely to try this more often so i need to find some creative ways to gently caress it up hardcore.
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Oct 4, 2017 18:56
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call into meeting loudly interrupt to shout your own name stay off mute while you rearrange literally everything in your office to be within 6 centimeters of your speakerphone
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Nov 3, 2017 14:35
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| # ¿ May 17, 2024 14:23 |
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"Ok, that's all of our updates. Other-PM, do you want to run through your team's list?" "Yup, ok." <audibly shoves food in his mouth and begins speaking with his mouth full> "Ok so we had that issues yesterday..."
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Nov 9, 2017 15:45
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