0-16 Watch: 2016 Edition

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Will There Be a Perfect Team This Season?
	Yes, Both 19-0 and 0-16
	Yes, but only 19-0
	Yes, but only 0-16
	lol no

axeil: Feb 14, 2006

Alright, we're 2 weeks into the season, time to start keeping track of really good and really poo poo teams. Will this finally be the year Mercury Morris's smug rear end doesn't get to drink champagne? Will we finally see Matt Millen freed from the puzzle box he was banished to? Let's find out!

19-0 Eliminated

Week 3
~~Houston Texans - Utterly humiliated in Week 3 by the New England Patriots~~
~~Pittsburgh Steelers - Got beaten so bad by the Philadelphia Eagles that Arnold Palmer died~~
~~New York Giants - Lost to Washington after a clownball NFC East Divisional Game~~

Week 4
~~New England Patriots - Shut out by a Rex & Rob Ryan coached team. A Shameful Loss.~~
~~Baltimore Ravens - Lost to the Oakland Raiders in a game I really don't remember much about~~

Week 5
~~Philadelphia Eagles - Ryan Mathews forgot how to carry a football and Carson Wentz Missed.~~
~~Denver Broncos - Like I said, losing Siemian ended up being A Big Deal~~

Week 7
~~Vikings - Sam Bradford is actually Real Bad. Who knew? Eagles fans~~

0-16 Eliminated

Week 3
~~Miami Dolphins - They almost screwed it up, but they managed to defeat fellow 0-16 contender the Cleveland Browns~~
~~Buffalo Bills - Upset the Arizona Cardinals and made Carson Palmer look really, really bad~~
~~Indianapolis Colts - It took some late game shenanigans but they manged to defeat the San Diego Chargers~~
~~Washington Redskins - Defeated the New York Giants after a clownball NFC East Divisional Game~~

Week 4
~~Jacksonville Jaguars - Get their first win against the Indianapolis Colts but sadly it's not in the US.~~
~~Chicago Bears - Managed to beat the Detroit Lions without Jay Cutler or any real offense to speak of.~~
~~New Orleans Saints - Drew Brees got his revenge on the San Diego Chargers~~

19-0 Contenders As Of The End of Week 7

ALL TEAMS ELIMINATED. CONGRATULATIONS 1972 DOLPHINS FOR YOUR :smug:

CHAMPAGNE

0-16 Contenders As Of The End of Week 10

Cleveland Browns

Next Opponent: Steelers

I'll try and update this OP as we go through the weeks with narrative about what eliminates each team. Expect each team's section to grow as more and more teams are eliminated.

Original Week 2 19-0 Commentary

AFC

I think of these the obvious most likely teams are the Pats and Steelers. If the Pats can manage to get 2 wins under the Brisset era they'll get Brady back and have a really weak AFC East and a pretty easy inter-conference slate with the NFC West. The Steelers/Ravens get to beat up on the NFC East but are in the AFC North where the competition is a bit more stiff. Plus the whole "they play each other twice" bit so we know at least one of them is getting a loss/tie somewhere. Broncos also have a good shot, as they get the AFC and NFC South, but they don't feel as dominant a team. The Texans I think have a very low chance just because they haven't looked all that dominant so far and have only played the Bears and Chiefs.

NFC

How the gently caress did this happen? There are not just one, but two NFC East teams on this list. I think there's pretty much no shot of any of these teams making it to even 8-0, much less 19-0. Their divisions are too tough (Vikings) or they play in the NFC East and will certainly succumb to Clownball at some point.

Original Week 2 0-16 Commentary

AFC

Alright, this is why you all came here. Watching for 19-0 is fun, but we all love misery so watching for 0-16 is far more satisfying. And dear god, there is a really good shot it could happen this year. I think the Colts should get a win in the next week or two, same with the Jaguars, but the Bills and Browns look to be in a full tailspin. I think the Dolphins' saving grace is that they still get to play the Bills twice. And the Browns this upcoming week. They should manage at least one win out of those right? As for the Browns, they're on their 3rd starting QB in a season where from the outset they were trying to tank. I'd say we've got an excellent shot of them still being involved by week 8 or so.

NFC

Once again the NFC side of this looks much less fun. The Saints have barely managed to lose both their games and still have Drew Brees at QB; they're going to win some games. The Skins, while not looking great so far, still play in the NFC East and are pretty much guaranteed at least one clownball win from that. The Bears looked god awful tonight and last week so...maybe they'll last till mid-season without a win?

axeil posted:

WEEK 3 UPDATE

Congrats if you made it this far. You now get a pretty helmet next to your team name.

Eliminated from the 19-0 Race

Houston Texans - Utterly humiliated in Week 3 by the New England Patriots
Pittsburgh Steelers - Got beaten so bad by the Philadelphia Eagles that Arnold Palmer died
New York Giants - Lost to Washington after a clownball NFC East Divisional Game

Eliminated from the 0-16 Race

Miami Dolphins - They almost screwed it up, but they managed to defeat fellow 0-16 contender the Cleveland Browns
Buffalo Bills - Upset the Arizona Cardinals and made Carson Palmer look really, really bad
Indianapolis Colts - It took some late game shenanigans but they manged to defeat the San Diego Chargers
Washington Redskins - Defeated the New York Giants after a clownball NFC East Divisional Game

Week 4 19-0 Chase Commentary

We have 3 19-0 contenders eliminated this week, leaving 5 behind. With the Eagles on bye the next week we are guaranteed to make it to at least Week 5 with one undefeated team. Of the 4 active teams this week, 3 are playing at home and there's only 1 divisional game (Bills@Pats), so I think it's pretty likely we get at least one survivor in addition to the Eagles. An interesting note: had the Giants won their game the Giants/Vikings game would be an undefeated match-up.

Upcoming Games:

Giants @ Vikings
Bills @ Patriots
Raiders @ Ravens
Broncos @ Buccs

Week 4 0-16 Chase Commentary

We have 4 0-16 contenders eliminated this week, leaving ~~3 or~~ 4 behind depending on the Saints outcome (the Saints lost). The Browns best shot at a win before it starts snowing was probably this past week, and the only other games on their schedule that might be winnable are the Titans and Jets games. Consider the Browns our most likely 0-16 candidate. The Jaguars and Colts are in London so who knows what'll happen there and NFC North divisional games can always be a bit weird, plus the Lions have looked really anemic as of late.

Upcoming Games:

Browns @ Washington
Colts @ Jaguars (LONDON)
Lions @ Bears
Saints @ Chargers

axeil posted:

WEEK 4 UPDATE

Week 4 thy name is bloodbath. We are now down to 4 teams.

Eliminated from the 19-0 Race

New England Patriots - Shut out by a Rex & Rob Ryan coached team. A Shameful Loss.
Baltimore Ravens - Lost to the Oakland Raiders in a game I really don't remember much about

Eliminated from the 0-16 Race

Jacksonville Jaguars - Get their first win against the Indianapolis Colts but sadly it's not in the US.
Chicago Bears - Managed to beat the Detroit Lions without Jay Cutler or any real offense to speak of.
New Orleans Saints - Drew Brees got his revenge on the San Diego Chargers

Week 5 19-0 Chase Commentary

Well now poo poo gets real. We have 3 remaining 19-0 candidates, and two of them are scheduled to play each other in Week 7, meaning we will eventually eliminate down to two. The Broncos won without Siemian and I can't believe I'm saying this, but if he's out for any extended time their chances of going 19-0 look pretty grim. Making matters worse, the red hot Falcons are coming to town. This has gotta be the toughest game the Broncos have had on the schedule so far, even though their first match of the season was a Super Bowl re-match. Meanwhile, the Vikings caused OBJ to have another meltdown and get the Texans at home this week. Not as tough a game as the Falcons, but it's no cake walk either. The Eagles were idle so I have nothing to say about them except hail Wentz.

Upcoming Games:

Texans @ Vikings
Falcons @ Broncos
Eagles @ Lions

Week 4 0-16 Chase Commentary

Welp, we're down to the one team we all thought it would be. It's the Browns or nothing now. And they're playing the Pats with Brady this week. Looking ahead, here's the rest of Cleveland's schedule:

5 October 9 1:00 p.m. New England Patriots
6 October 16 1:00 p.m. at Tennessee Titans
7 October 23 1:00 p.m. at Cincinnati Bengals
8 October 30 1:00 p.m. New York Jets
9 November 6 1:00 p.m. Dallas Cowboys
10 November 10 8:25 p.m. at Baltimore Ravens
11 November 20 1:00 p.m. Pittsburgh Steelers
12 November 27 1:00 p.m. New York Giants
13 Bye
14 December 11 1:00 p.m. Cincinnati Bengals
15 December 18 1:00 p.m. at Buffalo Bills
16 December 24 1:00 p.m. San Diego Chargers
17 January 1 1:00 p.m. at Pittsburgh Steelers

Jesus Christ.

Probably the most winnable games on there are Week 6 @TEN and Week 8 vs NYJ. If they're still winless after that I honestly don't see another potential win until Week 16 against the Chargers.

Upcoming Games:

Patriots @ Browns

axeil posted:

WEEK 5 SUPER LATE UPDATE

Apologies for the delay, work has been crazy.

Eliminated from the 19-0 Race

Philadelphia Eagles - Ryan Mathews forgot how to carry a football and Carson Wentz Missed.
Denver Broncos - Like I said, losing Siemian ended up being A Big Deal

Eliminated from the 0-16 Race

NONE

Week 6 19-0 Chase Commentary

And then there was one. Thanks to losses by the Eagles and Broncos the Vikings are are only remaining 19-0 candidate. This week they have a bye so we'll talk more about them next week.

Upcoming Games:

BYE @ Vikings

Week 6 0-16 Chase Commentary

The Patriots demolished the Browns. This week they have what is probably one of their last winnable games on the schedule when they visit the Titans. Except the Titans look not half-bad now. Meanwhile the Bengals look like dogshit so, maybe they'll win next week?

5 October 9 1:00 p.m. New England Patriots
6 October 16 1:00 p.m. at Tennessee Titans
7 October 23 1:00 p.m. at Cincinnati Bengals
8 October 30 1:00 p.m. New York Jets
9 November 6 1:00 p.m. Dallas Cowboys
10 November 10 8:25 p.m. at Baltimore Ravens
11 November 20 1:00 p.m. Pittsburgh Steelers
12 November 27 1:00 p.m. New York Giants
13 Bye
14 December 11 1:00 p.m. Cincinnati Bengals
15 December 18 1:00 p.m. at Buffalo Bills
16 December 24 1:00 p.m. San Diego Chargers
17 January 1 1:00 p.m. at Pittsburgh Steelers

Upcoming Games:

Browns @ Titans

axeil posted:

WEEK 6 UPDATE

Eliminated from the 19-0 Race

NONE

Eliminated from the 0-16 Race

NONE

Week 7 19-0 Chase Commentary

With the Vikings the only remaining team left, let's take a look at their schedule:

7 Oct 23 1:00PM AT Eagles
8 Oct 31 8:30PM AT Bears
9 Nov 6 1:00PM Lions
10 Nov 13 1:00PM AT Redskins
11 Nov 20 1:00PM Cardinals
12 Nov 24 12:30PM AT Lions (Thanksgiving)
13 Dec 1 8:25PM Cowboys
14 Dec 11 1:00PM AT Jaguars
15 Dec 18 1:00PM Colts
16 Dec 24 1:00PM AT Packers
17 Jan 1 1:00PM Bears

It looks...somewhat bad. Toughest games remaining are @PHI, @WAS, AZ, DAL, and @GB. Middle of the road games look to be both DET games, @JAX and @CHI. The remaining games are all winnable. So that's 5 tough games, 4 average games and only 2 easy games (CHI, IND).

My best guess is they've got a loss by the middle of November. If they still haven't lost by Thanksgiving though, I'd say it's most likely they end up losing the Packers game on Christmas Eve.

Now as for this week, we have the Sam Bradford Revenge game. Two weeks ago this looked like it'd be a matchup of two undefeated teams, but the Eagles have struggled as of late. Even as a total Eagles homer, I can't see my birds winning this game, so the Vikings will continue their attempt at 19-0 for another week.

Upcoming Games:

Vikings @ Eagles

Week 7 0-16 Chase Commentary

Well, let's take the Titans off the list. It now looks...really bleak for Cleveland.

5 October 9 1:00 p.m. New England Patriots
6 October 16 1:00 p.m. at Tennessee Titans
7 October 23 1:00 p.m. at Cincinnati Bengals
8 October 30 1:00 p.m. New York Jets
9 November 6 1:00 p.m. Dallas Cowboys
10 November 10 8:25 p.m. at Baltimore Ravens
11 November 20 1:00 p.m. Pittsburgh Steelers
12 November 27 1:00 p.m. New York Giants
13 Bye
14 December 11 1:00 p.m. Cincinnati Bengals
15 December 18 1:00 p.m. at Buffalo Bills
16 December 24 1:00 p.m. San Diego Chargers
17 January 1 1:00 p.m. at Pittsburgh Steelers

Maybe they can manage to take down the Jets who are completely rudderless on offense? I dunno. I think we could have a live one here folks.

Upcoming Games:

Browns @ Bengals

axeil posted:

WEEK 7 UPDATE

Eliminated from the 19-0 Race

Vikings - Sam Bradford is actually Real Bad. Who knew? Eagles fans

Eliminated from the 0-16 Race

NONE

Week 8 19-0 Chase Commentary

ALL TEAMS ELIMINATED. CONGRATULATIONS 1972 DOLPHINS FOR YOUR CHAMPAGNE

Week 8 0-16 Chase Commentary

Browns schedule

5 October 9 1:00 p.m. New England Patriots
6 October 16 1:00 p.m. at Tennessee Titans
7 October 23 1:00 p.m. at Cincinnati Bengals
8 October 30 1:00 p.m. New York Jets
9 November 6 1:00 p.m. Dallas Cowboys
10 November 10 8:25 p.m. at Baltimore Ravens
11 November 20 1:00 p.m. Pittsburgh Steelers
12 November 27 1:00 p.m. New York Giants
13 Bye
14 December 11 1:00 p.m. Cincinnati Bengals
15 December 18 1:00 p.m. at Buffalo Bills
16 December 24 1:00 p.m. San Diego Chargers
17 January 1 1:00 p.m. at Pittsburgh Steelers

Well folks, here it is. The last man standing is the absolutely putrid Cleveland Browns. On their fifth starting QB and looking down the barrel of 0-16. The great irony being that the Cavaliers won a championship and the Indians are in the World Series. But in the most Cleveland move ever, despite the success of their other two teams the Browns look like legit contenders for the crown of "worst NFL team in the modern era"

So. Next week the Jets come to visit Cleveland in what could be the only winnable game remaining on the schedule. Seriously, if the Browns drop this can any of you find another winnable game on there? This is going to be fascinating to watch.

Upcoming Games:
Jets @ Browns

axeil posted:

WEEK 8 UPDATE

Eliminated from the 0-16 Race

NONE

Week 8 0-16 Chase Commentary

Browns schedule

5 October 9 1:00 p.m. New England Patriots
6 October 16 1:00 p.m. at Tennessee Titans
7 October 23 1:00 p.m. at Cincinnati Bengals
8 October 30 1:00 p.m. New York Jets
9 November 6 1:00 p.m. Dallas Cowboys
10 November 10 8:25 p.m. at Baltimore Ravens
11 November 20 1:00 p.m. Pittsburgh Steelers
12 November 27 1:00 p.m. New York Giants
13 Bye
14 December 11 1:00 p.m. Cincinnati Bengals
15 December 18 1:00 p.m. at Buffalo Bills
16 December 24 1:00 p.m. San Diego Chargers
17 January 1 1:00 p.m. at Pittsburgh Steelers

After a scare the Jets manged to take down the Browns. This is it folks, I think this is really going to happen.

Upcoming Games:
Cowboys @ Browns

axeil posted:

WEEK 9 UPDATE

Eliminated from the 0-16 Race

NONE

Week 8 0-16 Chase Commentary

Browns schedule

5 October 9 1:00 p.m. New England Patriots
6 October 16 1:00 p.m. at Tennessee Titans
7 October 23 1:00 p.m. at Cincinnati Bengals
8 October 30 1:00 p.m. New York Jets
9 November 6 1:00 p.m. Dallas Cowboys
10 November 10 8:25 p.m. at Baltimore Ravens
11 November 20 1:00 p.m. Pittsburgh Steelers
12 November 27 1:00 p.m. New York Giants
13 Bye
14 December 11 1:00 p.m. Cincinnati Bengals
15 December 18 1:00 p.m. at Buffalo Bills
16 December 24 1:00 p.m. San Diego Chargers
17 January 1 1:00 p.m. at Pittsburgh Steelers

Well that was ugly. Let's see if a little TNF can fix the Browns.

it won't

Upcoming Games:
Browns @ Ravens

axeil posted:

WEEK 10 UPDATE

Eliminated from the 0-16 Race

NONE

Week 10 0-16 Chase Commentary

Browns schedule

5 October 9 1:00 p.m. New England Patriots
6 October 16 1:00 p.m. at Tennessee Titans
7 October 23 1:00 p.m. at Cincinnati Bengals
8 October 30 1:00 p.m. New York Jets
9 November 6 1:00 p.m. Dallas Cowboys
10 November 10 8:25 p.m. at Baltimore Ravens
11 November 20 1:00 p.m. Pittsburgh Steelers
12 November 27 1:00 p.m. New York Giants
13 Bye
14 December 11 1:00 p.m. Cincinnati Bengals
15 December 18 1:00 p.m. at Buffalo Bills
16 December 24 1:00 p.m. San Diego Chargers
17 January 1 1:00 p.m. at Pittsburgh Steelers

Okay. The Browns now have 6 games to go. Let's take a deeper look at each of their opponents.

Week 11 - Pittsburgh Steelers

Current Record: 4-5 (2nd, AFC North)

Last 5: 1-4

After riding high to start the season the Steelers look to be sputtering a bit, stringing together 4 losses in a row. However, they played the NFL-leading Cowboys down to the wire so I think their talent is beyond what their recent record has shown. They should be the favorites by a wide margin.

Likelihood of Loss: Very High

Week 12 - New York Giants

Current Record: 6-3 (2nd, NFC East)

Last 5: 4-1

2 games back from the division-leading Cowboys, the Giants need this win very badly as all their NFC East rivals have also beaten the Browns. The Giants defense is finally starting to gel and Eli has found some of that old magic. Still, the Giants have been known to drop very winnable games in November/December, so it's worth keeping an eye on.

Likelihood of Loss: High

Week 14 - Cincinnati Bengals

Current Record: 3-5-1 (3rd, AFC North)

Last 5: 1-3-1

Forget what I said about the Giants. For the Bengals this is an absolute must-win game. They are a game and a half back from the Ravens and a season that everyone was initially proclaiming as finally the one where Andy Dalton wins a playoff game is looking more and more like a season where the Bengals fail to make the playoffs. However, in these teams' first meeting back in September the Bengals needed a lot of luck to get past the Browns. I rate this the most likely game the Browns win.

Likelihood of Loss: Moderate

Week 15 - @Buffalo Bills

Current Record: 4-5 (3rd, AFC East)

Last 5: 2-3

The Bills confuse the hell out of me. They beat down the Patriots and then struggle against the Dolphins. Right now they're riding a 3 game losing streak. Historically, Browns/Bills games have been some absolutely horrifying affairs, but with only 3 weeks of the season left when this one rolls around I think people will be curious to watch and see if the Browns really manage perfection.

Likelihood of Loss: High

Week 16 - San Diego Chargers

Current Record: 4-6 (4th, AFC North)

Last 5: 3-2

The Chargers this offseason looked like they'd be a shambling zombie corpse, but have looked pretty good at times. And at other times they've blown multiple score leads or thrown back-to-back picks to lose games. I don't know which Chargers team shows up, but given that the rest of the AFC West currently has 7 wins, the Chargers could only be playing for pride at this point. I rank this the second most likely win for the Browns.

Likelihood of Loss: Moderate

Week 17 - @Pittsburgh Steelers

Current Record: 4-5 (2nd, AFC North)

Last 5: 1-4

The commentary from above should still apply somewhat here, and this will be amplified by Pittsburgh's likely need for a win here to claim either the divisional crown or a wild card spot. However, as this is the last game of the year I give the Browns a little more credit.

Likelihood of Loss: High

Upcoming Games:
Steelers @ Browns

axeil fucked around with this message at 16:05 on Nov 15, 2016

# ? Sep 20, 2016 05:28

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 15, 2024 08:12

Fox Mulner: Feb 25, 2001; No wonder this clown died, his lungs were filled with CANDY!

Miami plays Cleveland on Sunday so there goes one of the two top contenders

# ? Sep 20, 2016 05:31

Filthy Casual: Aug 13, 2014

Bears looking real strong for 0-16 with all those injuries. Looking like a month of Brian Hoyer (or more) is ahead!

Plus they don't have a real NT with Goldman out. McPhee's on the PUP. I guess Jerrell Freeman is pretty cool.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 06:03

Intruder: Mar 5, 2003; I got a taste for blown saves

The Texans don't really have a losable game until week 7

Come at me

# ? Sep 20, 2016 06:15

a neat cape: Feb 22, 2007; Aw hunny, these came out GREAT!

I hope we can do our part to keep the Colts relevant in this endeavor

# ? Sep 20, 2016 06:35

Ehud: Sep 19, 2003; football.

miami is actually good don't let the record fool you

# ? Sep 20, 2016 13:10

Darth Brooks: Jan 15, 2005; I do not wear this mask to protect me. I wear it to protect you from me.

Intruder posted:

The Texans don't really have a losable game until week 7

Come at me

Week 5.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 14:02

TheGreyGhost: Feb 14, 2012; �Go win the Heimlich Trophy!�

Cleveland just had to sign clipboard Jesus to back-up Cody Kessler who every reporter has described as "nowhere near ready". If we can't go 0-16 under these circumstances, then we truly are cursed to never land a franchise QB and always trade down for a guard for some poo poo like that.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 14:04

Chris James 2: Aug 9, 2012

TheGreyGhost posted:

Cleveland just had to sign clipboard Jesus to back-up Cody Kessler who every reporter has described as "nowhere near ready". If we can't go 0-16 under these circumstances, then we truly are cursed to never land a franchise QB and always trade down for a guard for some poo poo like that.

You already know how this is going to go

Even if you get the first pick AND get a QB, he'll just be added to the ~~pile~~jersey and replaced within the season, maybe being optimistic assuming he lasts a full year

# ? Sep 20, 2016 14:10

mastershakeman: Oct 28, 2008; by vyelkin

Filthy Casual posted:

Bears looking real strong for 0-16 with all those injuries. Looking like a month of Brian Hoyer (or more) is ahead!

Plus they don't have a real NT with Goldman out. McPhee's on the PUP. I guess Jerrell Freeman is pretty cool.

otoh they could easily win the next 4 in a row because none of those teams are any good either

# ? Sep 20, 2016 14:22

Kalli: Jun 2, 2001

If the Patriots can get past the Texans and stay healthy, they probably go undefeated this year. This offense might score 50 a game.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 14:39

Ehud: Sep 19, 2003; football.

Kalli posted:

If the Patriots can get past the Texans and stay healthy, they probably go undefeated this year. This offense might score 50 a game.

I hope the locker room catches fire and everyone dies

# ? Sep 20, 2016 14:41

Kalli: Jun 2, 2001

Ehud posted:

I hope the locker room catches fire and everyone dies

Yeah! see? The opposition is already at the praying for divine intervention stage.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 14:43

Paint Crop Pro: Mar 22, 2007; Find someone who values you like Rick Spielman values 7th round picks.

Kalli posted:

Yeah! see? The opposition is already at the praying for divine intervention stage.

If it's the Pats it would be divine retribution.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 14:45

C-Euro: Mar 20, 2010; Soiled Meat

Filthy Casual posted:

Bears looking real strong for 0-16 with all those injuries. Looking like a month of Brian Hoyer (or more) is ahead!

Plus they don't have a real NT with Goldman out. McPhee's on the PUP. I guess Jerrell Freeman is pretty cool.

Detroit will gift them their first win in two weeks the same way Chicago bailed Detroit out of the 0-fer hole last year. What goes around comes around.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 14:57

The Puppy Bowl: Jan 31, 2013; A dog, in the house.

*woof*

NFL golden boys the Baltimore Ravens going 19-0 because gently caress it, why not? NFL never made much sense before, no reason to start now.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 15:33

DJExile: Jun 28, 2007

TheGreyGhost posted:

Cleveland just had to sign clipboard Jesus to back-up Cody Kessler who every reporter has described as "nowhere near ready". If we can't go 0-16 under these circumstances, then we truly are cursed to never land a franchise QB and always trade down for a guard for some poo poo like that.

lol if you ever trust cleveland to draft and develop well

Owning the browns is the best loving job in the world because you can intentionally build the worst loving team possible and you will still fill that stadium every sunday with the same sad sack people who think this time is totally going to be different, you guys, no seriously

# ? Sep 20, 2016 16:15

Intruder: Mar 5, 2003; I got a taste for blown saves

Darth Brooks posted:

Week 5.

sam bradford lmao

# ? Sep 20, 2016 16:20

Badfinger: Dec 16, 2004; Timeouts?!

We'll take care of that.

Fox Mulner posted:

Miami plays Cleveland on Sunday so there goes one of the two top contenders

Reminder that a tie counts as half a win so 0-15-1 is technically not winless.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 16:24

Intruder: Mar 5, 2003; I got a taste for blown saves

It is however not 0-16 and the thread it titled 19-0 and 0-16 watch

# ? Sep 20, 2016 16:29

Impossibly Perfect Sphere: Nov 6, 2002; They wasted Luanne on Lucky!

She could of have been so much more but the writers just didn't care!

Kalli posted:

If the Patriots can get past the Texans and stay healthy, they probably go undefeated this year. This offense might score 50 a game.

They will lose to both the Jets and Dolphins.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 16:37

FUCKFACE MORON: Apr 23, 2010; by sebmojo

axeil posted:

Broncos also have a good shot, as they get the AFC and NFC South, but they don't feel as dominant a team.

The defense is as dominant as it's ever been and Von is playing lights out.

As for the offense...eh, it's a work-in-progress but they are finally able to play Kubiak's signature style.

All that said, it wouldn't surprise me if they lost to Cincy this Sunday.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 17:55

Dubious: Mar 7, 2006; The Heroes the Vikings Deserve; Lipstick Apathy

sam bradford lmao 19-0

print
the
shirts

# ? Sep 20, 2016 18:21

Forever_Peace: May 7, 2007; Shoe do do do do do do do Shoe do do do do do do yeah Shoe do do do do do do do Shoe do do do do do do yeah

Intruder posted:

The Texans don't really have a losable game until week 7

Come at me

On the one hand, Lamar Miller is awesome, and the defense is still solid, so they can probably put up a good fight against the Pats on Thursday. On the other hand, it is at night, especially when the moon is gibbous and waning, that I see the thing. I tried morphine; but the drug has given only transient surcease, and has drawn me into its clutches as a hopeless slave. So now I am to end it all. Often I ask myself if it could not all have been a pure phantasm�a mere freak of fever. This I ask myself, but ever does there come before me a hideously vivid vision in reply. I cannot think of the deep sea without shuddering at the nameless things that may at this very moment be crawling and floundering on its slimy bed, worshipping their ancient stone idols and carving their own detestable likenesses on submarine obelisks of water-soaked granite. I dream of a day when they may rise above the billows to drag down in their reeking talons the remnants of puny, war-exhausted mankind�of a day when the land shall sink, and the dark ocean floor shall ascend amidst universal pandemonium. The end is near. I hear a noise at the door, as of some immense slippery body lumbering against it. It shall not find me. God, that hand! The window! The window! _{darkesttimelinedarkesttimelinedark esttimelinedarkest}

# ? Sep 20, 2016 18:42

Intruder: Mar 5, 2003; I got a taste for blown saves

I read that entire thing and am glad of it

# ? Sep 20, 2016 18:44

Chichevache: Feb 17, 2010; One of the funniest posters in GIP.

Just not intentionally.

Forever_Peace posted:

On the one hand, Lamar Miller is awesome, and the defense is still solid, so they can probably put up a good fight against the Pats on Thursday. On the other hand, it is at night, especially when the moon is gibbous and waning, that I see the thing. I tried morphine; but the drug has given only transient surcease, and has drawn me into its clutches as a hopeless slave. So now I am to end it all. Often I ask myself if it could not all have been a pure phantasm�a mere freak of fever. This I ask myself, but ever does there come before me a hideously vivid vision in reply. I cannot think of the deep sea without shuddering at the nameless things that may at this very moment be crawling and floundering on its slimy bed, worshipping their ancient stone idols and carving their own detestable likenesses on submarine obelisks of water-soaked granite. I dream of a day when they may rise above the billows to drag down in their reeking talons the remnants of puny, war-exhausted mankind�of a day when the land shall sink, and the dark ocean floor shall ascend amidst universal pandemonium. The end is near. I hear a noise at the door, as of some immense slippery body lumbering against it. It shall not find me. God, that hand! The window! The window! _{darkesttimelinedarkesttimelinedark esttimelinedarkest}

Bill Belichick's favorite Lovecraft story is "The Shadow Over Innsmouth".

# ? Sep 20, 2016 18:52

Nail Rat: Dec 29, 2000; You maniacs! You blew it up! God damn you! God damn you all to hell!!

Ross Angeles posted:

I hope we can do our part to keep the Colts relevant in this endeavor

The Colts don't have an offensive line, a secondary, or linebackers so I think you're safe.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 18:55

Forever_Peace: May 7, 2007; Shoe do do do do do do do Shoe do do do do do do yeah Shoe do do do do do do do Shoe do do do do do do yeah

Chichevache posted:

Bill Belichick's favorite Lovecraft story is "The Shadow Over Innsmouth".

Strong candidate, definitely, if there wasn't already a story about an ancient race of superbeings that ruled the earth for millennia doing nothing but drawing diagrams of impossible complexity and praying to their dark gods soooooo.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 19:08

Chichevache: Feb 17, 2010; One of the funniest posters in GIP.

Just not intentionally.

Forever_Peace posted:

Strong candidate, definitely, if there wasn't already a story about an ancient race of superbeings that ruled the earth for millennia doing nothing but drawing diagrams of impossible complexity and praying to their dark gods soooooo.

It's the racism, but I like your answer too.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 19:11

Magicpants: Sep 15, 2011; Certified Poster

Chichevache posted:

It's the racism, but I like your answer too.

How could Belichick be racist? Marty B and Gronk have already healed centuries-old wounds. They're going to forever end prejudice and discrimination by midseason, along with the nonbelievers.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 19:20

Impossibly Perfect Sphere: Nov 6, 2002; They wasted Luanne on Lucky!

She could of have been so much more but the writers just didn't care!

Magicpants posted:

How could Belichick be racist? Marty B and Gronk have already healed centuries-old wounds. They're going to forever end prejudice and discrimination by midseason, along with the nonbelievers.

Notice how you never see Gronk and Bennett in the same place at the same time?

:tinfoil:

# ? Sep 20, 2016 19:40

Chichevache: Feb 17, 2010; One of the funniest posters in GIP.

Just not intentionally.

Magicpants posted:

How could Belichick be racist? Marty B and Gronk have already healed centuries-old wounds. They're going to forever end prejudice and discrimination by midseason, along with the nonbelievers.

Martellus points out that football contracts, which are short and non-guaranteed, pale in comparison to the deals handed out in the NBA. "Do you know what the NFL stands for?" he asks.

No Fun League? Not For Long?

"N-----s For Lease."

The quote is just too good.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 19:41

Forever_Peace: May 7, 2007; Shoe do do do do do do do Shoe do do do do do do yeah Shoe do do do do do do do Shoe do do do do do do yeah

Chichevache posted:

Martellus points out that football contracts, which are short and non-guaranteed, pale in comparison to the deals handed out in the NBA. "Do you know what the NFL stands for?" he asks.

No Fun League? Not For Long?

"N-----s For Lease."

The quote is just too good.

The whole article is extremely pro-click. One of my favorites.

quote:

JEFF FISHER

Martellus: "If a QB went 7 -- 9, he'd never be able to find a job."

Michael: "Make sure he's in the NFC West."

BROCK OSWEILER

Michael: "I've got more sacks than he's got touchdowns." (This is accurate.)

Martellus: "I've caught more balls than he's completed." (Also accurate.)

quote:

I ASK MICHAEL later what it feels like when he sacks a superstar like Newton. "It's like lovemaking," he says. "Every season, it comes to that one climax. It's like" -- Michael pauses, rolls his eyes back into his head and emits a noise that sounds like the throaty gasp of a goat that's just been slaughtered.

"All of the other rushes are like foreplay," Martellus says. "You finally get to the bedroom."

"Yeah, you get to the bedroom," Michael says. "Take it off."

His brother looks at him. "That's a good analogy."

"That's a great analogy," Michael says.

# ? Sep 20, 2016 19:44

DJExile: Jun 28, 2007

that's a goddamn fantastic article

# ? Sep 20, 2016 19:58

Trast: Oct 20, 2010; Three games, thousands of playthroughs. 90% of the players don't know I exist. Still a redhead saving the galaxy with a [Right Hook].