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jon joe posted:just because teleportation overuse risks undoing the very fabric of space-time doesn't mean we shouldn't use it! We're evil! Aren't half of us trying to unleash an eldritch horror that will do that anyway? Ugh. Do you know what eldritch horror does to property values?
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Feb 23, 2017 16:39
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"Hey, build that express way ramp over MY home, not the orphanage across town. Hey, let me break down the fabric of existence in my hold not the Paladin's in the next Resale values are poo poo when potential buyers are weirded out by non-Euclidean geometry. Automatic Slim fucked around with this message at 17:44 on Feb 23, 2017 |
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Feb 23, 2017 17:38
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vcvcvc12 posted:Hey all, Paladin here again. Need some advice on subjugating an intelligent artifact to our will. Isn't consorting with evil spellcasters a danger to your exalted holy status or at least frowned upon by your deity? Shouldn't you be destroying these articles of damnation in your god's name? You're not really a Paladin are you? You're an estate salesman.
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Feb 28, 2017 23:14
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Why settle for skeletons? Invest in golems. Sure they're way expensive but when intruders or hicks with torches and pitchforks come knocking the pants making GBS threads terror they induce is worth it.
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Mar 2, 2017 01:36
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key party favors posted:There's nothing wrong with skeletons, heck, I have skeletons manning most of my castle at the moment... If you have a translocating castle that only appears every few moons (like I do), they phase in and out brilliantly. Good stuff... Crystals are great too, mean lol if you aren't backing up your malevolent soul magic on crystals these days... That's a tough sell so close to spring harvest and planting season otherwise a fallow field would be perfect. Find an abandoned graveyard and restock on skeletons.
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Mar 2, 2017 01:44
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Goblins have to eat and poo poo. Have you ever smelled goblin poo poo? Undead servants and magical automatons are the only way to go.
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Mar 2, 2017 02:07
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VendaGoat posted:Eyeballs for crows. You can never go wrong with giving crows fresh eyeballs. Of minions, serfs, and vanquished foes, sure. But eyeballs of rarer creatures are valuable spell components. Make sure your stock room is in order and everything clearly labeled.
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Mar 15, 2017 21:09
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Spell components like precious stones get part of their potency by the misery inflicted on those who've dug them out. The tears and pain of forced child labor adds an extra enticement to the summoning and binding of ruinous powers from beyond. Besides, what's the point of being an evil wizard if you pay fair market value of the labor.
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Mar 16, 2017 16:23
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Don't showboat. Don't grandstand. Don't monologue. The "righteous" hang their hat on some kind of moral argument or big speech justification to BBEGs. Cold, impersonal evil really unnerves crusaders. If you want a flashy end, go Ozymandias, achieve your goal, and tell them they're too late when they storm the castle. Don't get cute. Stay professional. Save that ridiculous laugh after you've reanimated the your enemies soulless corpses. Automatic Slim fucked around with this message at 07:48 on Mar 18, 2017 |
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Mar 17, 2017 22:01
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Hihohe posted:Look if monologuing is wrong I dont want to be right. Stick to being a carnival illusionist if you want that much flair and drama. If you want to further your goals of bending the universe to your will act like a professional. All this need for attention reeks of daddy issues (which should've been addressed when you usurped/sacrificed him). "Look at me! Look at me! Let me spell out how clever I am!" All that says is you want to prove to others you're an ingenious mastermind, not actually being one. Automatic Slim fucked around with this message at 23:16 on Mar 17, 2017 |
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Mar 17, 2017 23:14
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SSH IT ZOMBIE posted:Anyone else command an army of tiny faefolk? All ya gotta do is feed them pizza. Click here for more wizard tricks they don't want you to know. I'm no expert on fae physiology but that can't be healthy. Overweight tiny folk with clogged arteries. Unless you're going the idyllic forest with mischievous wee folk you're going to have a health crisis on your hands. Don't fae folk tend to be vegan?
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Mar 18, 2017 07:10
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Hihohe posted:Leave it to a bunch of goons to make evil wizardry boring. Might as well put on a bunch of suits and join the republican party. Look, when I exploit the poor and weak I'm straight forward about it. When they do it the oppressed actually elect them to do so and then ask for more. Now THAT is powerful sorcery.
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Mar 18, 2017 15:40
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Scary! posted:Uhhh guys I just summoned a pack of wolves to form a death metal band. I kicked them out of the band after one of them poo poo in my boots of healing and how they're scratching at my door and laughing at my wizard hat wh n I walk out in public Magic mouth you're property with screaming at a frequency only canines can hear. Trade that floppy hat for hooded cloak. The young folk are into hoodies.
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Mar 18, 2017 15:45
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Hihohe posted:Im looking into getting some trolls but im worried about them turning to stone. If they do turn to stone is it indefinitely? and if so will an un-petrify spell work to de stone them or is that only for medusas and basilisks. If you're that worried about having stone servants just get some gargoyles.
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Mar 18, 2017 23:51
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Goa Tse-tung posted:What do you guys think of witches? I'm kinda torn, I once fell in love (like real, true love!) with this super hot witch, because she made me some of her broth everyday. We had wild witch sex, all the time, I think. I kinda hurts trying to remember, but it also feels good? Duh! Necromancy!
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Mar 20, 2017 18:17
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You do realize this is the evil wizard thread?
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Mar 21, 2017 04:19
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Those uniforms will have to be custom fit. Fortunately, you won't need a lot of fabric.
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Mar 22, 2017 14:20
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Clearly this is in an institution of higher learning for science. Charlatan.
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Mar 24, 2017 06:39
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Making an minion /apprentice wear a logo stitched polo would truly be evil.
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Mar 24, 2017 07:27
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Don't mess with religion other than pacts with the ruinous powers. Even then that's basically just a legal contract. There's nothing more of a waste of time than church politics. Somebody gets passed over a promotion, you get in fighting, splinter factions...Some gods even get off on that as a some kind of survival of the fittest. It's not, it's just dysfunctional head games disguised as divine doctrine. Stick with the Laws and save yourself having to deal with insane zealots. Automatic Slim fucked around with this message at 08:19 on Apr 1, 2017 |
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Apr 1, 2017 07:59
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When you're young the sexy stuff is Fireball and Charm Person and Acid Arrow. Years later the really useful spells are Summon CPA III
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Apr 6, 2017 04:15
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Right, the Lord of Lies is great for PR but don't even try that when navigating the Laws.
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Apr 6, 2017 15:20
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Who What Now posted:A respectable one. The only kind of respect worth having is self-respect. Nothing else matters. 
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Apr 8, 2017 01:01
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Ever notice that even in undeath people still have daddy issues?
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Apr 9, 2017 17:31
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That's a good point. The (re)animated are merely inhabited by spirits. It's seems that mech/magic constructs are fueled by them.
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Apr 9, 2017 17:56
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Unless your end goal is to become a demonic abyssal ruler yourself.
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Apr 9, 2017 18:47
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Whoa, this thread suddenly went all red potion.
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Apr 12, 2017 23:56
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The whole point of lichdom is to escape the need for sustenance. Liches have they're phylactery and they're all good. Why would they want to become a blood sucking parasite?
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Apr 13, 2017 14:33
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Arkanomen posted:A neat trick I heard about in the local wizard meetup is this new thing called karmic fuckery. You do your normal poo poo like soul stitching and demonic buggering inside your keep, but on the outside you take such good care of your surrounding village that to a god it all looks fairly neutral. It doesn't work like that. The gods take particular interest in intent and motivation. That is the one thing all of them are unforgiving about. Besides, using a façade of good to mask evil is in itself an act of evil.
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Apr 14, 2017 06:34
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Arkanomen posted:Is it not a greater evil to sacrifice the well being of so many to address the evil of one? Really heroic ripping bread from the mouths of orphans (that you made) or leaving helpless peasants to fend for themselves? That's good business and smart administration. Unless you derive your power directly from the misery of others it just makes sense to keep the general population of your domain happy and content. You have a happy, content population and lawful do gooders have no way to rationalize unshackling a people that don't want to be liberated. Unless they're a bunch of religious zealots and then there's no talking to them anyway. It's even better if your peasants are the zealots to your rule themselves like some cult or Totalitarian dictatorship. But don't rationalize that a happy, loving flock means it cancels out the wretched path evil wizards walk for more power. As soon as the right demon with the right pact comes along they're getting sacrificed. As soon as all rituals to lichdom are learned, their souls are to be used. The plebiscite's well being is only a stepping stone to something greater. No higher power will confuse that with neutrality at the end of the day.
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Apr 14, 2017 09:33
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Arkanomen posted:I hosed up. I hosed up bad. I was trying to rig up a kinda of soul engine, basic little artifact, jam in a soul crystal with some dipshit peasants soul into a torture machine and it's anguish powers the wheels and you have an instant chariot. I tried to be smart and I used the soul of a masochist demon because I thought it would never burn out. Own it.
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Apr 14, 2017 18:12
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The witch is calling you "Daddy" which means: 1) she's into you. 2) she's got a ton of issues some of which revolve around "Daddy".
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Apr 15, 2017 03:10
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Arkanomen posted:Actually it turns out it's neither. It means someone doesn't remember having a one solstice stand and 9 months later someone's nemesis is brought into the world. Now I apparently have a son that's wing raised at some Paladin monastery across the sea with a note that tells him about my less-than-good aligned activities. All sons (and daughters) want approval of their fathers. Just call out to him and all that religious indoctrination will wash away. https://youtu.be/_ayT0EZwbks#t=1m04s basic hitler posted:I cant do this anymore. Im going white. Legit. Good guy. Just burned the last of my tomes. Some paladins are coming by tomorrow and raising a massive h holy shield as i violate every pact ive ever made with any demon. Lol they wont be able to do poo poo. The great thing about turning evil is you only do it once and everybody believes it. You go good and you have to convince people you're on the path to redemption over and over and over. It's quite tedious.
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Apr 15, 2017 05:44
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This makes the big Vecna proud.
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May 19, 2017 19:56
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vcvcvc12 posted:Hi, it's your favorite (former) Paladin again, with a bit of a problem. See, I managed to slay or drive off all the paladins in the local citadel (thanks a lot to whichever necromancer assaulted the place with an undead army a week ago, big help). So now I have a citadel. Problem: it's still a really holy place. Like, I can't even do the Blackguard ritual properly in here because the ingredients burn to ash when I step on the property. Even after I murdered the head Paladin here and spread his blood all over. But I can't not keep the citadel, that would be wasteful. So I need someone to do some serious corruption and desecration. Like we're talking industrial strength. Nice going, Percival. You didn't desecrate the citadel by slaying the head Paladin, you martyred him. That blood you painted the walls with now made the place a consecrated shrine. Pilgrims will be lining up around the block to pray to that poo poo. You want to defile a holy place? Sacrifice of innocents, summon abominations, orgies in the nunnery, subvert and pervert sacred rites, orgies in the nunnery, corrupt the local lay people, orgies in the nunnery. As for the relics, I'd be happy to unload them for you, but you can make a fortune by selling them to wealthy noble art collectors or ransoming them to the appropriate religious order.
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May 23, 2017 03:21
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Because of last night's Game of Thrones, everyone is going to want a Dracolich. Yeah, didn't spoiler. Evil.
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Aug 21, 2017 23:25
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Re: Tears. Not all tears are equal. Farmer's tears aren't the same as the tears of a vengeful demon or a war God or something badass like that. An orphan's tears won't get you much. Tears of a million orphans, now we're talking. Re: The Law of Equivalency Don't fall for this. It's not a real law, it's psychological. Yes, in magic you've got to give something to get something but it's not karma. Just invest in better defenses. Gods of justice are just might makes right with a better light show. Capt. Rainbowbeard is onto something. As for the Laws regarding pacts with the ruinous powers, don't gently caress around with those. Those Laws involve contracts and breaking those will wreck your poo poo. Edit: Capt. Rainbowbeard, pervert the Law of Supply and Demand. Automatic Slim fucked around with this message at 09:43 on Aug 22, 2017 |
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Aug 22, 2017 09:14
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This would be very useful now that everyone wants a pet Dracolich.
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Aug 22, 2017 15:49
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Skypie posted:Goddamn, here we are talking about keeping the Laws and in strolls someone who wiped out not just a college but managed to ice the manifestation of virtue and justice in the Fourth Mortal Realm. Very important, make sure you will your properties and assets to your new host. Or at the very least, let your minions and friends know what's going on otherwise at best there's a lot of unnecessary confusion, at worst you're going to lose everything in probate. If you're a long time body swapper, adopt healthy orphans or even better befriend and apprentice the children of local gentry. That way you can end up inheriting their assets.
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Aug 24, 2017 02:29
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This is why you need to be very careful about jurisdictions. Make pacts with specific entities and their TRUE secret names. If domains have the same names and the and property lines haven't been redrawn you should be fine.
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Aug 24, 2017 02:38
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