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numberoneposter posted:im holding onto my life as is with my alcoholism but im definitely just treading water and not doing anything Yeah dude, in the Subway thread I was going to call you a disgusting fat rear end for your "numberoneposter BMT + CCC + Double Cheese Subway Eat Fresh Sandwich ™", but then someone said you ride like 40 miles a day or something awesome that justified that... thing. That certainly has to help. And I doubt boozin' makes the ride easier.
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Mar 16, 2017 17:57
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| # ¿ May 9, 2024 15:45 |
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I'm a storm spotter now. I'm also unreasonably furious at everything for no reason. Well, it didn't help trying to listen to any talk radio in the greater Chicago area on my 1.5 hour drive that was only talking about Trump. Both ways. Now I want to kill. The training actually put a nice lull into the kill thing and I was super excited and social and funny and energetic (probably too much but everyone seemed to enjoy it), and then I left and immediately went back to my wanting to kill phase. These rapid rollercoaster emotions are basically expected now due to the the whole loving bipolar bullshit. I saw my therapist today and she just said to watch out for any odd thoughts or signs that might lead to mania and to not kill myself or others. To be fair I think she has to ask everyone about murder, etc. though. I'm on day 17 besides the slip which I'm not counting because gently caress it I don't want to. I can make up any number I want. Who gives a poo poo? Well I do but one slip doesn't mean I hosed up so bad and everything is over and boo hoo hoo I have to start over. No, gently caress you. I'm sticking with my streak. Other than that everything is cool. I should play a game. Like a truck simulator or something. Pennywise the Frown fucked around with this message at 04:57 on Mar 17, 2017 |
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Mar 17, 2017 04:54
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I doubled my dose today because everything was insane. I wonder how things would have worked out had I not done so. I don't know how to stream games. To be honest, I really don't want to either. Enough people can see me fail in real life. Thank you though 500 good dogs. You are very nice and helpful. edit: also you probably wouldn't be too excited watching me trying to back up semi trailer for 15 minutes each time.
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Mar 17, 2017 05:23
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500 good dogs posted:I mean im watching thosr terrible lowtax game videos he just posted in gbs and they're terrible so I can't imagine what could be worse. 500 good dogs posted:You should livestream a game and I'll watch it until my wife makes me turn it off for being unfunny Time for your wife to step in.
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Mar 17, 2017 05:35
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Tolkien minority posted:im not here to hate at all but if youre taking benzos on the daily your not sober in any sense of the word With that logic then my Zoloft means I'm not sober. 
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Mar 17, 2017 06:13
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Also, the klonopin really helps me be able to go to a grocery store and not flip the gently caress out and become hyper vigilant or break down crying in an isle from social overload. Or my psych can prescribe Jameson. That's a good idea.
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Mar 17, 2017 06:18
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TheSpamalope posted:If you screwed up you should try being accountable for once and start counting from zero again No. "being accountable for once"? Yes, I've never been accountable for anything ever. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. loving rude. I also hold myself accountable for everything. Too much. Even for other people which is just insane. Moving on. I'm actually tired now and it's only 12:30am. I'm going to sleep now and hope that I don't wake up again. Good night Neverland.
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Mar 17, 2017 06:24
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500 good dogs posted:Nah you gotta wake up so we can keep talking because it's cool to chat  CaptainSarcastic posted:Hope you sleep well. I think it's a perfectly good idea to give yourself credit for the success you've had and not obsess over a slip. Dichotomous all-or-nothing thinking is a cognitive error, in any case. You're doing well, Pennywise. This actually makes sense. All I do is beat myself up over the smallest things. Like, completely inconsequential things or things that haven't even happened yet. The black and white thinking is very dangerous. Also, I've had nothing but the most horrible and vivid nightmares the past month or so. Like, really bad. I don't think that's alcohol related though.  TheSpamalope posted:You wouldn't be a broke brained drunk if you had a history of holding yourself accountable for your actions homie You're a useless dick. dad gay. so what posted:can a mod rename this thread "the pennywise clown fail thread" tia poo poo. I can't argue that. How about we make it the DAD SOBER, SO WHAT thread?! Seriously though, I really got to shut up and let this thread die. It's really not helping anyone else but me and that doesn't necessitate an entire GBS thread about a broke brained piece of poo poo.
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Mar 17, 2017 17:04
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^^^^ TheSpamalope posted:If you're not even willing to be honest about how long you've been sober you're really not interested in cleaning up. Besides didn't you only made it like half a week or something? Who cares. Obviously you do because you won't shut the gently caress up about menial bullshit. 
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Mar 17, 2017 17:35
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Hardawn posted:You are the virginal sacrifice for this thread. Your blood will be forth new crops in the spring I finally matter. 
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Mar 17, 2017 18:55
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King Possum III posted:Passengers was a good film with some amazing sfx. 
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Mar 17, 2017 22:10
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I believe prescription opioids is how my cousin got into heroin. He was doing pills for years and then switched to heroin for a few years. Heroin is way cheaper and cleaner than it used to be so it's a sound choice. He's dead now. Last year on May 1st he was found after an overdose. I was there before the coroner got there. He was my best friend. Please don't do heroin people. I really blame a lot of it on the criminal justice system. He went to jail for heroin possession, became a felon, and then his life was 10x more difficult than it was before. Instead of throwing him in jail and keeping him on probation for years he should have had treatment. When he got out he couldn't get a job for a very long time because he was listed as a felon. He had a bachelors degree and was previously working in a sleep clinic. Then he was barely able to get a job at a cabinet making factory afterwards. He had to move back in with his parents who gave him so much poo poo all the time. His mom and mine are sisters and they can be quite unreasonably harsh. Well, not anymore for my mom. She went to NAMI meetings all the time and learned a lot about mental illness and is now my single best support. His mom however, went to Alanon meetings and they focus on how bad the person who is doing drugs is loving up your life. She went the tough love route and I think that really contributed to his death. I'm very mad but I'd never mention that to her though. Anyway, he couldn't get a place to live because again, he had that felon label. When he finally found a place it was a lovely apartment with, guess what, not so upstanding citizens living there. So he went to jail for heroin instead of getting treatment. Then the felon label turned him into a second class citizen at best. Then, due to the hardship all of this cost him, he got back into heroin and accidentally overdosed. Now he's dead.
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Mar 21, 2017 20:41
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Jim Barris posted:You know that could just as easily be the end of your story. "Now he's dead." I guess I can't argue that. We both had the same life growing up due to the closeness of our moms. I'm not worried at all about drinking too much alcohol and drowning in my own vomit or something. I am however worried that I'll get the courage to shoot myself though. I'm on and off the fence about living. In fact now that my brain is starting to come back to reality, I've been thinking about it more which is a bit unsettling. I have a good support system with the VA though. I can always go on a vacation there for a while. BTW, we need stricter gun laws. Pennywise the Frown fucked around with this message at 21:35 on Mar 21, 2017 |
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Mar 21, 2017 21:33
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CaptainSarcastic posted:Don't hesitate to seek help if you feel like it is getting too intense. It's understandable that you would see some things worsen for a while - it takes a bit for your neurotransmitter levels to stabilize after you remove a stimulus which has been artificially altering their levels for a while. That's true of any pretty much any addiction, with or without bipolar as a complicating factor. I know it can be of little comfort in the moment, but the more time you put between yourself and the substance (or whatever addiction) the more things level out. That's what I'm hoping. The bipolar really throws a wrench in the gears because I have no way of telling if it's just my brain adjusting with the lack of alcohol or if it's my mental illness. It's a bit disheartening because I don't know what symptoms may go away or if they're here to stay. I've already noticed that I'm far less reserved and am quite blunt about everything which is something I REALLY have to look out for because I don't want to scare or push people away. Surprisingly the alcohol was suppressing my openness, in regards to possibly inappropriate actions. Now, I am excellent at putting on a good face so nothing has happened but I have to question everything in my brain to see if it's appropriate or not to say or do. Only time will tell how this pans out. Also, I think some people in here really deserve some sort of gift like plat or something. Some of you have PM'd me about this and it's interesting seeing the lovely goons talk to me behind their face on SA and expressing concern for me or offering support. That is very encouraging and even though I may not have messaged back too much, it's just amazing to see someone else care. Especially from these forums. I don't know how to do it but I'm pretty sure you can purchase an upgrade for other users. If I find some of you without plat or something and you haven't been a serious dick then you might see something coming your way. No promises though. But some of you really deserve it for being good people. I always appreciate that.
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Mar 21, 2017 22:45
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Ok so I don't know how to buy someone plat. Do I need their email address? man, most of you nice fuckers have plat already.
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Mar 21, 2017 23:07
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Nooner posted:its not even withdrawls though its just like brain wont shut off and it loving sucks You know that scene in X-Men: Days of Future Past where Charles stops taking that drug to help him walk and all of the voices start coming back into his head and he breaks down because he can't take it? Kinda feel like that? Because that's what I feel.
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Mar 22, 2017 02:13
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Nonviolent J posted:Double fisting yourself works Hey, can you PM me your email associated with your account?
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Mar 22, 2017 04:04
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Ice Blue Mink posted:Oh Penny, you can't PM without plat. It's a chicken and egg problem for sure. Lol right, well poo poo. I want to get Nonviolent J plat for just making this thread and allowing this discussion. As to how I'm doing, I'm all over the place. I don't know what's happening right now.
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Mar 22, 2017 04:16
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Better Fred Than Dead posted:I guess I don't subscribe to a specific religion or anything so I have a difficult time understanding the precise issue and I've always been a pretty staunch atheist. But, that is literally the opposite of what AA says. You even mentioned step 1 which is: 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. I'm talking pointless semantics here and everyone does their own thing which is good as long as it works for them but I just had to point that out since it's literally AAs first starting point. It's meant to be taken exactly how it's read.
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Mar 23, 2017 00:01
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I fell off the wagon this week. I drank the past 4 or 5 days. I also started buying cigarettes like a loving idiot. My last pack is almost gone and I have plenty of tools around here to help (patches, gum, e-cig). I don't know what caused the drinking this time. There's usually something behind it but I can't remember. I want to stop tonight.
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Mar 24, 2017 20:55
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That is a good idea but I hate writing. I used to use an app called eMoods that I would use to keep track of my brain cycles so I could see trends but having an idea of what leads up to these things in writing would probably be enormously helpful. Now that I think about it, you can enter notes. I remember emailing the developer suggesting a higher character limit for the notes and he obliged. I should check that out again.
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Mar 24, 2017 22:55
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I just was honest though. The last part is true though. Also, suck my drat balls.
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Mar 25, 2017 02:44
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Again, much appreciated. I know GBS isn't the place for this but here we are. Voice notes. Now that is an interesting idea. There is probably an app that can record and organize my notes. I've done the whole emailing myself before for numerous things but I want a better structure. Very good idea.
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Mar 25, 2017 04:55
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Quitting smoking is one of, if not the hardest, thing to quit. Nicotine is a bitch. The patch helped me quit once. Honestly an e-cig really helped me. It took a while to get used to but it worked just like the patch. Unfortunately it's an expensive up front investment to get a decent one, but literally one week of not smoking paid for it. Plus, there are different nicotine levels, so just like the patch I started at the top and worked myself down to nothing. By then I didn't really have the physical fixation and just stopped using it altogether. It took months to get completely off of nicotine but who gives a poo poo if I'm not smoking cigarettes which is literally the worst thing you can do for your overall health over your lifetime. Besides like, playing cowboy with a loaded revolver while drunk as poo poo. I bought a few packs of cigs this week for some unknown reason and ran out last night so I have my e-cig right by my side again.
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Mar 26, 2017 22:34
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Ok well that was easy. I wanted a cigarette really bad yesterday even after just a few packs. I didn't buy any and I think I'm good with my e-cig now. I'm on day one of not drinking again. If I don't have anything tonight then it should help break the cycle just like last time. Gotta get out and do something.
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Mar 27, 2017 22:26
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Corby Haas posted:I just finished reading to the end of the thread. Are you still there, Penny? How are you feeling? I am still here, still alive. I didn't drink about 25 days straight before having a lapse. Last week I drank a few times and I just drank last night. I'm learning that this isn't fun in the least bit anymore. Those 25 days were extremely productive. I got poo poo done around the house, my yard, I started BJJ again. I have an app called eMoods to monitor a few different metrics for bipolar disorder and printing the graph is pretty eye opening. Depression, anxiety, irritability, etc. all trending downwards. So I did have a few lapses, but I didn't completely relapse. I just take note of what I was feeling at the time I did drink, and now I can try to avoid that the next time. I'm trying to be a bit more proactive and mindful this time and it seems to be working little by little. Thanks for your concern homie.
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Jun 1, 2017 19:50
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One thing I've noticed is that I only make it about just less than a month before I drink again every time. I'm not sure why. I think it's about the limit before my brain starts taking off a bit too much. Towards the end of that 25 days I started spending a lot of money on hobbies and random poo poo and I was getting maybe a little too energetic and I'd talk a mile a minute which are all signs of hypomania. Again, I'll just have to be mindful of that and try to find some intervention I can put in place before it gets out of hand.
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Jun 1, 2017 22:56
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turn off the TV posted:After a quick Google search it sounds like alcohol withdrawal can cause manic episodes. Have you tried tapering off instead of just quitting cold turkey? Yeah that's pretty much what I did to get off this last time. I'm on meds for bipolar/anxiety/depression, but of course it isn't perfect. Having alcohol out of the picture makes it easier to see what's actually happening on the mental end but it's not easy to handle.
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Jun 1, 2017 23:23
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Dealing with mental illness AND an alcohol/drug addiction is loving horrible for someone. One makes the other worse, but one is also used to make the other one easier to deal with but it fucks with everything and aaaahhhhhhhh. I'm sure drinking is loving up all of the medications I'm on as well as alcohol being the single worst thing for bipolar regardless.
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Jun 1, 2017 23:50
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That is one of the main reasons I use alcohol. Horrible memories. I'm on two SSRIs, one anti-psychotic, one anti-seizure (mood stabilizer), and one benzo. None of them help with that.
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Jun 2, 2017 00:00
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| # ¿ May 9, 2024 15:45 |
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I'm on day 7. The days are ok but I still get sick at night. Now the bipolar is starting to show itself again. Racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, severe depression, crying for no reason at all, bad memories that I can't stop thinking about, I'm seeing some signs of hypomania. I was thinking of buying a motorcycle yesterday. I don't even know how to ride one. I can't take news anymore. I have to stay out of the Trump lol thread. I'm finding it's drat near impossible to avoid horrible poo poo due to social media. poo poo's a little crazy right now. edit: btw, that's awesome you have a few months. Keep it up! Pennywise the Frown fucked around with this message at 15:24 on Aug 14, 2017 |
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Aug 14, 2017 15:21
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