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It's this big buff krav maga guy and he's selling a video about how to protect yourself from muggers, and his advice is get married and have kids, so when the guy tries to kill you, you can tell him you have a wife and children.
lmfao
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Apr 7, 2018 04:15
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May 15, 2024 12:13
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in some parts of the US they call baking soda "baking pop"
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Apr 8, 2018 03:27
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William h Macy’s day parade
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Apr 14, 2018 01:29
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John Wayne Gacy's day parade
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Apr 15, 2018 05:21
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kanye westworld
could also be a good username
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Apr 24, 2018 21:14
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Clint Eastwood staring some punk rear end down, a slight grin cracks through his cool granite facade: "Looks like you landed on a chute. *gun hammer cocks* Better slide down it then."
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May 1, 2018 18:11
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there goes the neighborhood. a family of attitude-era wrestlers just moved in down the road
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May 10, 2018 00:42
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exploring the music of Linkedin Park
i tried so hard
and got so far
but in the end
they decided to move forward with other candidates whose qualifications more closely match the position
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May 15, 2018 05:46
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Discount Holidays like Brokemas, the Feast of The Beanie Weenie, and Dia de los Margaritas
Valentine’s Day After
where you buy your loved one 75 percent off chocolate from cvs
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May 23, 2018 15:58
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but then the players on the home team started getting violently ill from a highly contagious stomach flu, however fortunately a pack of spunky local mutts was on hand to replace them
then the away team refused to play against a bunch of dogs, and it looked as though the big game was going to have to be cancelled, but at the last minute a group of scrappy dogs was recruited from the local shelter
and then the school's only ball got punctured, but a pudgy bulldog was, remarkably, able to fill in
air bud: the big game of theseus
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May 23, 2018 20:49
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School Bus songs but they are sang by downtrodden adults on a city bus.
99 bottles of beer on the wall
99 bottles of beer
Take one down
Pass it around
Then bring it to the recycling center so we can get the deposit back
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Jun 1, 2018 21:01
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a naked emperor penguin but all the animals tell him they love his clothes
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Jun 4, 2018 15:07
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a giant taco filled with smaller tacos and i am eating it
so wait is this like a taco inside a taco inside a taco? or is it one big taco with several small tacos stacked together
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Jun 15, 2018 18:38
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*pacing nervously before job interview*
"if the scatman can do it; so can you"
"if the scatman can do it; so can you"
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Aug 8, 2018 21:03
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visiting a fortune teller that just plays MASH
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Aug 13, 2018 18:31
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a quarterback goes to a strip club and is tossing wadded-up bills at the girls and keeps saying "go long!" and scowls when they dont catch the money
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Aug 15, 2018 02:00
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There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose penis was also from Nantucket
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Aug 24, 2018 20:32
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taking my kids to the petting cryptozoo. they’re excited to feed the Bigfoots, maybe pet the thunderbirds
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Aug 28, 2018 16:07
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An evil villain is menacing his team of subordinates, but housekeeping is trying to get at his wastebasket under his desk the whole time.
this owns
sounds like a Mitchell and Webb sketch
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Aug 28, 2018 23:22
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ordering my milky way medium rare
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Sep 2, 2018 17:25
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The Best Little Vore-House In Texas
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Sep 7, 2018 04:21
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my cat just clogged the litterbox
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Oct 12, 2018 19:20
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2FA on:
somethingawful
home network
car
when you're dying and need to use medical resources but 2fa first
electric toothbrush
i used to work at a place that used 2FA on everything from email to timesheets but it was all linked to the boss’s cell phone, so if he was in a meeting or taking a dump, you were screwed
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Oct 19, 2018 00:21
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I'm Pat Hingle and ready to mingle
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Nov 9, 2018 23:13
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frasier but instead of being wine snobs theyre weed snobs
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Nov 15, 2018 23:02
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Richard Milhouse Nixon, jowls dripping with semen, saying to the camera "I am not a slut."
ARROOOOOO
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Nov 16, 2018 00:10
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the big bog theory
the scripts are the same but all the actors are knee-deep in swamp the whole time
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Nov 28, 2018 04:08
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TV show with a cry track instead of a laugh track
man i love This Is Us
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Jan 6, 2019 17:16
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WD-420
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Jan 31, 2019 05:17
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(pocketing my vape as i leave the airplane bathroom)
mile high club means something else, apparently
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Feb 1, 2019 06:30
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a Marie Kondo superfan whose house is packed to the brim with Marie Kondo memorabilia, books, etc
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Feb 13, 2019 18:11
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welcome to the grand reopening of Gary's Pissless Diner, formerly Gary's Diner
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Feb 16, 2019 01:54
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she claims she "lost" an entire flock of sheep. they could be worth millions. should we believe her, or is this a scam by a little faux-weep?
when someone like Jack Be Nimble falsely claims to have jumped over a candlestick, he hurts the countless people who genuinely DO jump over a candlestick
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Feb 21, 2019 18:04
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my dog filing his taxes on Feb 1 and asking if I'd even requested my W2 yet
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Feb 23, 2019 23:42
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Feathers are the leaf of the bird.
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Apr 1, 2019 17:24
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What kind of burrito do you want your daughter to marry megathread
I'd be fine if she married a burrito, a taco, hell I'd even accept an enchilada. As long as they love each other
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Apr 2, 2019 23:06
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you get an extra free-throw if you can guess the referee's name within three tries
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Apr 5, 2019 17:35
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.
ghost emoji fucked around with this message at 17:20 on May 6, 2019
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Apr 15, 2019 04:48
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my mom would still call it a nintendo
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Apr 16, 2019 17:21
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 15, 2024 12:13
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Scientists discover black cats aren't bad luck, they just seem that way because all your good luck was used up encountering a nice kitty.
walking under a ladder isn't bad luck, the ladder just protects you from bad luck while you're under it. afterwards all that bad luck Final Destinations up with you
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Apr 18, 2019 02:53
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Apr 7, 2018 04:15
