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cda posted:

It's this big buff krav maga guy and he's selling a video about how to protect yourself from muggers, and his advice is get married and have kids, so when the guy tries to kill you, you can tell him you have a wife and children.

lmfao

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in some parts of the US they call baking soda "baking pop"

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William h Macy’s day parade

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Olive! posted:

John Wayne Gacy's day parade

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kanye westworld

could also be a good username

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albany academy posted:

Clint Eastwood staring some punk rear end down, a slight grin cracks through his cool granite facade: "Looks like you landed on a chute. *gun hammer cocks* Better slide down it then."

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there goes the neighborhood. a family of attitude-era wrestlers just moved in down the road

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Jedrick posted:

exploring the music of Linkedin Park

i tried so hard
and got so far
but in the end
they decided to move forward with other candidates whose qualifications more closely match the position

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ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

Discount Holidays like Brokemas, the Feast of The Beanie Weenie, and Dia de los Margaritas

Valentine’s Day After

where you buy your loved one 75 percent off chocolate from cvs

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Manifisto posted:

but then the players on the home team started getting violently ill from a highly contagious stomach flu, however fortunately a pack of spunky local mutts was on hand to replace them

then the away team refused to play against a bunch of dogs, and it looked as though the big game was going to have to be cancelled, but at the last minute a group of scrappy dogs was recruited from the local shelter

and then the school's only ball got punctured, but a pudgy bulldog was, remarkably, able to fill in

air bud: the big game of theseus

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ButtTheShitmanFart posted:

School Bus songs but they are sang by downtrodden adults on a city bus.

99 bottles of beer on the wall
99 bottles of beer
Take one down
Pass it around
Then bring it to the recycling center so we can get the deposit back

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ShortStack posted:

a naked emperor penguin but all the animals tell him they love his clothes

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ShortStack posted:

a giant taco filled with smaller tacos and i am eating it

so wait is this like a taco inside a taco inside a taco? or is it one big taco with several small tacos stacked together

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Dungeon Ecology posted:

*pacing nervously before job interview*

"if the scatman can do it; so can you"
"if the scatman can do it; so can you"

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visiting a fortune teller that just plays MASH

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got any sevens posted:

a quarterback goes to a strip club and is tossing wadded-up bills at the girls and keeps saying "go long!" and scowls when they dont catch the money

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There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose penis was also from Nantucket

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taking my kids to the petting cryptozoo. they’re excited to feed the Bigfoots, maybe pet the thunderbirds

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ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

An evil villain is menacing his team of subordinates, but housekeeping is trying to get at his wastebasket under his desk the whole time.

this owns

sounds like a Mitchell and Webb sketch

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ordering my milky way medium rare

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The Best Little Vore-House In Texas

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my cat just clogged the litterbox

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Kontradaz posted:

2FA on:

somethingawful
home network
car
when you're dying and need to use medical resources but 2fa first
electric toothbrush

i used to work at a place that used 2FA on everything from email to timesheets but it was all linked to the boss’s cell phone, so if he was in a meeting or taking a dump, you were screwed

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Cubone posted:

I'm Pat Hingle and ready to mingle

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frasier but instead of being wine snobs theyre weed snobs

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FactsAreUseless posted:

Richard Milhouse Nixon, jowls dripping with semen, saying to the camera "I am not a slut."

ARROOOOOO

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the big bog theory

the scripts are the same but all the actors are knee-deep in swamp the whole time

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Hemingway To Go! posted:

TV show with a cry track instead of a laugh track

man i love This Is Us

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WD-420

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(pocketing my vape as i leave the airplane bathroom)

mile high club means something else, apparently

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a Marie Kondo superfan whose house is packed to the brim with Marie Kondo memorabilia, books, etc

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welcome to the grand reopening of Gary's Pissless Diner, formerly Gary's Diner

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Manifisto posted:

she claims she "lost" an entire flock of sheep. they could be worth millions. should we believe her, or is this a scam by a little faux-weep?

when someone like Jack Be Nimble falsely claims to have jumped over a candlestick, he hurts the countless people who genuinely DO jump over a candlestick

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my dog filing his taxes on Feb 1 and asking if I'd even requested my W2 yet

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ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

Feathers are the leaf of the bird.

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vanisher posted:

What kind of burrito do you want your daughter to marry megathread

I'd be fine if she married a burrito, a taco, hell I'd even accept an enchilada. As long as they love each other

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you get an extra free-throw if you can guess the referee's name within three tries

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ghost emoji fucked around with this message at 17:20 on May 6, 2019

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my mom would still call it a nintendo

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super sweet best pal posted:

Scientists discover black cats aren't bad luck, they just seem that way because all your good luck was used up encountering a nice kitty.

walking under a ladder isn't bad luck, the ladder just protects you from bad luck while you're under it. afterwards all that bad luck Final Destinations up with you

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