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trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Something small and nice from AAM

Dealing with a boundary-stomping parent when interviewing from home

quote:

This is something I used to do many moons ago, and now wonder how good an idea it was. I was staying with my parents, searching for work, and my father constantly �forgot� to stay out of the room and not make noise when I was on a call. He would poke his head into the room and interrupt the conversation or bang around so loudly the interviewer could hear it. He was impossible to ignore.

Sign on the door didn�t work; reminding him beforehand wasn�t always possible and didn�t work when it was. The house was big: he could easily have avoided this one upstairs hallway and put off the lawn mowing, at least if my voice was audible. He was apologetic when called out, but not sorry enough to stop doing it.

Anyway, the solution I found was to tell the interviewer, �Sorry about that; my dad lives here and he sometimes gets a little confused.� Not technically a lie, but it framed me as a tolerant adult who knew business norms rather than a surly teenager. Admittedly I was applying for jobs that would have me moving away from him, and thus I clearly had no caregiving responsibilities. I might not have used that excuse for a local job. But what do you think? How should such a situation be handled?

quote:
I think you landed on a perfect solution. It allowed you to acknowledge the interruption and give a sympathetic explanation for it. �Tolerant adult who knew business norms rather than a surly teenager� is a perfect way to put it.

trickybiscuits fucked around with this message at 17:10 on Apr 2, 2024

# ¿ Apr 2, 2024 16:52

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# ¿ May 17, 2024 14:42

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Justice in the AAM comments section

quote:

I had a co-worker in his mid-50s who didn�t understand why his offhand remarks on ethnicity was inappropriate at the workplace. (That�s before DEI became a thing.) He continued to make such comments from time to time with different folks even after I told him how inappropriate they were. (I was a woman with a few years of experience.) Perhaps he thought that he�s invincible because he�s an experienced engineer with decades of experience.

Then he was let go during a around of layoffs. He never find a comparable job again. The wake-up call was too late. He could�ve retired in his 60s in his own accord.

quote:
This was something that happened at my place too. Tried to warn the guy and he doubled down�and like an extreme sports person, it�s like he just kept getting worse as he got more comfortable there. He said something to someone once and the person who overheard it reported him to HR�and he was walked out immediately. He blamed it on �woke culture�. The rest of it blamed it on him being an AH.

# ¿ Apr 4, 2024 03:04

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

I was grinding my teeth reading this, so now you all have to read it too

quote:

Dear Prudence,

My daughter has threatened to leave her marriage three times in the past four years. Her husband is a slob and acts like a second child (they have a 4-year-old). The last time this happened, I paid for her to talk to a divorce lawyer and we talked about her and her son moving in with me. Then my daughter turned around and said they were going to make it work. And that they were trying for another baby! I told my daughter she was making a huge mistake. Babies don�t fix people. She is already stressed out caring for her son basically by herself. I also warned her I would be moving sooner rather than later. I was tired of snow and my sisters needed help caring for our parents.

My daughter didn�t talk to me for two weeks. I apologized and apologized and apologized. I thought everything was better between us until now. My sister had a stroke and can no longer care for our parents. I am selling my house to move in with them. When I told my daughter, she exploded in anger, saying I was abandoning her and her children. She is pregnant again and it turns out her husband got someone else pregnant, too. I am completely floored by this and I don�t know what to do. I am in the process of putting my house on the market. I can�t afford two houses or to constantly be traveling between here and there. I don�t know what to do. Help!

�In a Bind

quote:
Dear In a Bind,

I wish I could ask you a series of questions about how �I told my daughter she was making a huge mistake here. Babies don�t fix people� and �I also warned her I would be moving sooner rather than later� were connected in your mind. Were you trying to communicate to her that she had a chance to move in with you, but if she didn�t take you up on the offer, you would move away instead? Were you using a potential move as a way to pressure her to leave her husband? Related: Was your daughter mad at you for announcing (threatening?) a move, or for your unsolicited advice on her marriage? Did you ultimately decide to move in with your parents because they urgently need you, or because you were frustrated that your daughter hadn�t accepted your apology? So many questions! Without knowing the answers to them, I encourage you to make the following choices:

1. When it comes to the sale of the house and the move, do what you have to do. As I said, it�s not clear to me whether this is an urgent, immediate need, but if it is, pack up and go help your parents.
2. Release the hope of fixing your daughter�s life through your advice, insights, apologies, or anything else. You can�t incentivize her to leave her husband. You can�t threaten her into leaving her husband. She�s going to do what she�s going to do.
3. Ask her what you can do�given whatever financial or geographic limitations you�re dealing with�to support her through this time.
4. Compare her response to what you would feel good about doing, given that you think she�s making bad decisions and has a tendency to lash out at you.
5. Tell her what you can offer. Again, I don�t know the details so maybe it�s money for a divorce lawyer when, and if, she needs it. Maybe it�s a plan to fix up your parents� basement so she and her kids can come live with you if they need to. Maybe it�s $20 a week. Maybe it�s a phone call every evening to check-in. The idea is to identify something that feels good to you and helpful to her.
6. Accept that she is going through a tough time�and will probably continue to be going through a tough time for a while. If she stays married to this guy, she may not be the kindest or most emotionally stable person for the foreseeable future. Commit to being the kind of mom you want to be (and are able to be, in practical terms) rather than waiting for her choices or responses to affirm you.

And some actual good advice

quote:

Dear Care and Feeding,

Do you have advice on handling it when you�re �collateral damage� in someone else�s estrangement? My niece, �Gwen,� recently cut off all contact with her parents, my brother, and his wife, �Lily�. I need to say here that there has always been something really strange about Lily. She has a nasty sense of humor and hair-trigger temper, and sometimes comes out with disturbingly violent comments out of nowhere (e.g. a baby was crying near us at a restaurant recently, and Lily commented in a calm tone, smiling, �I�d like to pour my coffee on that thing�s shrieking face if it gets brought any nearer�). She�s never actually done anything violent that I know of, but almost the whole family finds her unnerving. Gwen clearly agrees. Once, my brother and I were with her and her cousins, when someone started labeling people in the family as �most likely to� whatever�, e.g. �most likely to start a band�, �most likely future billionaire� etc. One nephew commented, �Aunt Lily is most likely a future murderer!� A few people laughed, and Gwen said, �I want you all to remember that if I ever go missing.� Her dad just laughed. I found it disturbing, but again, nothing has ever actually happened�there hasn�t been any violence.

Now, Gwen has turned 18 and moved out, changing her number and sharing her address with no one. It seemed to happen overnight last September and her parents haven�t seen her since. She unfriended all her cousins on social media and has responded to no one�s efforts to reach out. The thing is, I happened to run into her in another city, completely by coincidence. She seemed horrified and only responded to my questions with, �I�m not in touch with family anymore,� before practically running away.

I am deeply hurt! We seemed close right up until she vanished from the family, and I love her dearly. I�m child-free by choice but often did stereotypical �mother-daughter� things with Gwen�she even got me Mother�s Day cards and gifts because her mom hates that stuff. I honestly don�t understand why she feels the need to cut off me and everyone else just because she�s no longer speaking to her parents (who claim not to know why she�s gone no-contact, but we�re all suspicious of that). Based on where I met her, I think I know where she�s in college now and could possibly track her down to make contact again. But should I? I badly want some answers and would love to know if we can be in contact again, but my husband thinks she won�t want contact with anyone who still regularly sees her mother. Any advice on this bizarre and upsetting situation would be appreciated.

�No One Even Knows What Happened

quote:
Dear No One Even Knows,

I know you�re hurt and you have questions. You�re bursting with curiosity. Those feelings are real, but they are unimportant compared to Gwen�s safety. Whatever happened with her family, it must have been deeply upsetting for her to go completely no-contact while still in college, a time when many people are still financially and emotionally dependent on their parents�it can�t be easy for her, even now, to be essentially on her own in the world at 18. I don�t think she would have made that choice unless she felt she had to. All her actions, including her cutting off extended family because they might be in contact with her parents, point to how upset and unsafe she must have felt at the time�and now she is probably terrified that you�ll contact her parents. (Don�t.)

You mentioned that no violence had ever occurred. But honestly, you have no way of knowing that. People are very good at hiding abuse of all kinds. Obviously I don�t know what happened, either, but it seems safe to assume that it was serious. If Gwen was mistreated or abused in some way, if she is scared of one or both of her parents finding her, it absolutely makes sense for her not to trust or risk being in contact with anyone who regularly sees and talks with her abuser(s). And while of course you�re allowed to be hurt and miss your niece, I think you need to try to process those feelings without expecting her to apologize or explain herself to you. Your feelings can�t become her burden, especially if she is just trying to protect herself.

I realize this is all very disturbing, but you need to err on the side of your niece�s wellbeing. She�s clearly been hurt; you don�t need to know the particulars to understand that. Again, I just don�t think she would take the drastic step of separating herself from her entire family�right out of high school!�unless she felt her safety depended on it in some way. Mourn your former closeness if you need to, but try to respect the boundaries your niece has obviously gone to great pains to establish. She knows where you are. If she wants to reach out to you and feels safe doing so, she will, and at that point you can do everything in your power to support her.

# ¿ Apr 5, 2024 03:19

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

quote:

I am in a dilemma with my mother-in-law. Our relationship has always been troubled. She�s always told me what to do, starting with our wedding, where I had no say because she was the one who paid and I was too young to realize what she was up to. Now that we have kids, she undermines me (for example, telling my kids to have two pieces of cake when I�ve told them they can have one) or makes me out to be the bad guy (I say I�m just tired and don�t want people over; she says I�m keeping her from her grandkids). She often guilt-trips me, or threatens that if I don�t do what she wants, she won�t watch my kids while I�m at work.

So, I invited her to church almost a year ago, and didn�t think anything of it when she asked to ride with us. I just thought she was uncomfortable going by herself. But every Sunday morning she comes over early, rides with us, and then hangs out for two hours after. It makes me so anxious having her tagging along while I�m trying to get my kids ready in the morning. How can I navigate this situation and tell her I�d just like to meet her at church, then go home afterward with her�without hurting her feelings?

quote:
In a family where a daughter and her mother-in-law weren�t already on each other�s last nerve, it would be a relatively simple request to say, �Hey, it�s so chaotic around here on Sunday mornings�can we just meet you at church, and then we�d love to have you come over after?� On the scale of In-Law Conflict, that�s like a 1.2 out of 10. But given how toxic your relationship with each other seems, it�s totally possible that her feelings will be hurt by this polite request. But oh well! You should make it anyway.

Or � and I�m just spitballing here � your husband could make the request. I could not help but notice, in fact, that you did not once mention your husband in this cri de coeur about your mother-in-law, even though she is his mother, not yours. Why is this? Why are you the one who has to deal with your mother-in-law, and who she asks about coming to church, or coming over to your house? Why is it you who has to deal with her saying the kids can have two pieces of cake? Why is the interface between your family and her not being managed by her actual blood relative, her son?!

Sorry to shout. But this should not be your job! It should be his! Hmm, I�m shouting again. Maybe it�s because every advice columnist gets some variation on this question almost every week, and these letters often take it as a given that a wife with plenty on her plate already must by default also be the one who handles all in-law negotiations.

Let�s just go ahead and establish a basic Advice Column Law: Your Annoying Mother-in-Law Is Not Your Problem. She Is Your Husband�s Problem. He should be the primary person who deals with her. He should be her point person in family interaction. When someone needs to say something to her, he is the one who should say it.

(This is, of course, true across genders: Your parent, your problem. But notably it is not the husbands who are writing in to advice columns about this. It is the wives. The husbands are the ones holding up their hands and saying, �Whoa, you ladies sure yell at each other a lot!�)

So anyway: It will be totally fine if your mother-in-law does not come over before church. Your husband should tell her so.

# ¿ Apr 6, 2024 22:48

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

mystes posted:

I would say my parents are only maybe 10-20% as annoying as that and I think one vacation with them was enough to convince my sister's kids never to do it again

The parents in law are lucky the OP didn't murder them

Kill

Also, dump the fiance in a way that will hurt him. Does he perhaps have any beans that he's buried in the woods?

Background on this: OP is trying to go no-contact with this side of her family.

quote:

My mom and grandma texted me a few happy Easter texts and a text about my sister�s pregnancy reveal, and I had a huge emotional reaction, almost a panic attack, dealing with not responding. I guess that gets better with time? I have some resources/tools from therapy that I was able to use, but I didn�t expect to get so panicked about it. My stepdad also asked to come over (for the first time in I think 7 years) to pick something up and I said no. It was too suspicious.

quote:

And just to update, we were right about my stepdad being up to something more than just wanting to pick something up from me. He was trying to coordinate with my husband to meet him separately (at his office) to drop off an Easter basket from my mom. I told my stepdad he�s not to go to my husband�s office and that my husband would drop the items off on their porch, and that�s when it was revealed that an Easter basket was in play. I would have bet $ that was the case. So shady that not only was my stepdad trying to circumvent me, but also meet somewhere not at my house without me involved, and although my mom obviously made the basket she has no part in it. Like a textbook flying monkey move I guess. I told him I�m not accepting it.

quote:

A few hours after I told my stepdad that I wasn�t accepting the Easter basket from my mom, my husband dropped the stuff that my stepdad requested off on my parents porch. The stuff was a case of something handmade that I make and sell worth $180. My stepdad told me previously when he asked for it that he�d Venmo me for it. Well I guess he ghosted me because I haven�t heard from him and I haven�t gotten the $. Should I just let it go or ask him for the $? I don�t really need the $ but 180 is 180 and I could have sold it to someone else.

:facepalm:

# ¿ Apr 7, 2024 06:46

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

ad090 posted:

quote:
if I had kids they would be afterthoughts like I was.

drat, is there such as thing as a fifth-degree burn?

eta: I like milk with cookies.

trickybiscuits fucked around with this message at 03:55 on Apr 8, 2024

# ¿ Apr 8, 2024 03:50

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

quote:

DEAR ABBY: This is the third time I have received a gift of a political book from my brother-in-law! We are poles apart politically. It came with a message to �please read the book THIS time.� He is expecting a book report and discussion of the book when he next visits.

He started doing this several years ago after my sister died. She used to keep him politically in check, but he has become increasingly obnoxious and emboldened. I have tried tactfully responding that I do not enjoy reading political books, that I do not approve of name-calling, that those who disagree with us are not �stupid� and we just need to accept our differing viewpoints.

There is no way to have a rational political discussion with him. I�m trying to preserve family unity, which is very important to me. My brother wants to threaten him to stop harassing me. My son and his wife suggested sending him things that reflect MY political philosophy.

What do you think I should do? I waver between anger and laughter. By the way, I sent him a box of chocolate chip cookies, which he loves, for the holidays. -- HARASSED IN OHIO

quote:
DEAR HARASSED: Your brother-in-law is not going to change. Unless you are willing to tolerate his political browbeating into eternity, return the book and �postpone� his next visit indefinitely. Continue sending him his chocolate chip cookies ONLY if he agrees to quit sending you political literature. Family unity may be important to you, but your late sister�s husband has distanced himself, and that is no one�s fault but HIS OWN.

Dear Abby's getting sick of this poo poo too

# ¿ Apr 8, 2024 11:17

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

quote:

Dear Prudence,

I�ve been in a relationship with �Nick� for almost five years, and for the most part, it�s been smooth sailing. My family adores Nick. But lately, Nick and I have been arguing quite often. I�m a staunch Republican, and two of his friends, �Jordan and �Andrew,� don�t like that. They use all kinds of vile names for me, including �white trailer trash� and �inbred.� This started after I began working for a Republican organization. Before that, they were nice to me. Now they treat me terribly. I�m starting to believe that what they say about me is true. Nick just wants everyone to zip it and get along, but he�s making excuses for people who really aren�t his friends. My friends treat Nick with kindness and respect. My work friends treat him nicely too. My mom thinks I should suck it up because they�re not going anywhere, and my friends think I should stick up for myself�but they think Nick should as well. I�m at the end of my rope, but I don�t want to leave him, and I�m not saying that he isn�t allowed to have friends. My last button has been pushed, and I just don�t know what to do anymore.

quote:
Let�s leave aside what your mother thinks you should do. She may very well want the best for you, but Nick isn�t her boyfriend. Jordan and Andrew aren�t saying things like �This organization�s stances on X and Y are abhorrent, and you should rethink your values.� They�re calling you trash and treating you terribly, and your boyfriend�s response is �Gee, I wish everyone would zip it and get along.� Do you find your boyfriend�s response admirable? Does it make you trust him? Does it increase your respect or your regard for him? Do you think he privately agrees with them, at least in part?

I�m afraid the options you�ve laid out are more or less the only ones I can think of, too. You can suck it up and accept Jordan and Andrew�s treatment as something Nick�s apparently comfortable with. You can break up with Nick, even though you don�t want to, and look for a boyfriend who sticks up for you. You can keep dating Nick and refuse to be in the same room as Jordan and Andrew, which may cut down on some of the vitriol but might also postpone an inevitable confrontation if Nick has trouble balancing his various commitments to his partner and his friends. You could also have that conversation with Nick now. Those are the options! None of them are ideal, but they�re what you have. Which one are you prepared to live with?

This was when Danny Lavery was writing Dear Prudence and he gives good advice here, but you can feel the apathy rising up from the computer screen. In the comments someone was saying things like "Maybe Democrats are the real party of hate."

quote:

Dear Prudence,

I have known Carole (not her real name) since I studied in France about 55 years ago. We have kept in touch, and during two of our (my husband and myself) visits to France, we went to the city she lives in for about four days, and although she invited us to stay at her apartment, we stayed at a hotel. She and her husband were very hospitable and took us on excursions in the area, had us to dinner, etc.

In 2017, she wrote and said she wanted to bring her granddaughter to New York in 2018 (we live in Montreal, Canada). To make a very long, involved story short, she finagled a 10-night visit to Montreal staying at our house most of the time and with four of those nights in New York (my husband being the driver and both of us being the tour guides). The little girl was almost 11 years old and very well-behaved, but Carole was like the Energizer Bunny. She took a thousand photos, and when she couldn�t get online in the hotel, she went crazy. Needless to say, when their trip was over, it took me a week to recuperate!

Well, a few months ago, Carole said she was planning a trip to New York in the summer of 2024, this time with her daughter and her daughter�s two kids (one of them being the granddaughter who was with her in 2018). Knowing how things turned out in 2018, I know this means she wants to be invited to Montreal. Meanwhile, this past year, my husband has had to deal with a very ill sister who lives out of town and had to first be transferred to an assisted living place, and now to a long-care home. He is totally exhausted by all that has happened, and he is the sole caregiver, so he has to visit regularly. I related all of this to Carole, and she seems to have given up talking about going to New York (which means Montreal as well) this summer. However, I bet she will start again next year.

Let me add that in 2019, we moved into a condo and only have one uncomfortable hide-a-bed for guests, and there would be four people who want to come. I wish there were a polite way I could say, �Book a hotel in Montreal, and we will try to show you the sights on some of the days you are here.� Meanwhile, we do not feel like driving them to New York and walking all over in the July heat. If she tries again to be invited, how do I get out of it without being unkind? Remember, she will not start by saying she wants to come to Montreal.

quote:
I must confess I do not understand anything about this letter. Do people from Francophone countries possess some outlandish notion of hospitality that requires you not only put up a visitor for ten days but also drive them about six hours to a completely different country? There is a polite way to say �Book a hotel in Montreal, and we will try to show you the sights on some of the days you are here��it consists of those exact words, preceded by the word �please.�

Honestly: You are in your seventies. You live in a one-bedroom condo. No reasonable person would expect you to put their family up for a long visit, nor would they expect you to accompany them to New York. If for some reason Carole does expect this�I admit this is possible, due to the fact that you did all this on her previous visit�politely tell her that unfortunately this time you don�t have the space to put them up, and that a trip to the Big Apple simply won�t fit in your schedule, d�sol�e.

# ¿ Apr 12, 2024 01:42

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Mordiceius posted:

It's so loving exhausting. Why do these families constantly bend over backwards to appease the rear end in a top hat that makes everyone miserable?

Because appeasing the rear end in a top hat makes them stop making everyone miserable except the load-bearing reasonable person who won't cause trouble. The best thing you can do if you're that reasonable person is to cause a huge problem every time it happens. Unfortunately by the time people are mad enough to do something about it things have usually gone pretty far.

Neito posted:

They're borrowing from tomorrow to make today easier. The emotional equivalent of a payday loan.

This also.

Mordiceius posted:

One thing my wife and I agreed on while we were dating is that we would never speak negative about the other person to people we know. That's just opening the door to negative resentment. We agreed that as soon as someone starts feeling like it is okay to speak negatively about their partner to other people, you're no longer addressing the issue and, in fact, you're dragging other people into a problem the two of you should be dealing with together.

I know someone who deals with their frustration at people behaving badly by talking about those people behind their backs and doing nothing to actually improve the situation. It's depressing and has probably destroyed their relationship with their partner.

# ¿ Apr 12, 2024 21:26

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Baronjutter posted:

We've seen before from hundreds of posts here that there's basically two totally incompatible cultural views of respect and reputation that seem to exist in the world.

-One's respect and reputation is based on their actions and the truth. The abuser is bad because they abuse and they deserve a bad reputation. The truthful spread of this information and any harm that comes to their reputation is simply the very just and deserved consequences of their actions.

-One's respect and reputation is based on their position in the local hierarchy, be it family, business, political, you name it. Grandma is regarded as the matriarch of the whole extended family so you're actually the bad person for truthfully telling people about her racist screeds. Your older brother is the golden child, the oldest male and thus most important child, you are a vile person for letting it get out that he has 2 "minor" sexual assault convictions. Actions and truth have nothing to do anything, only maintaining hierarchy and the respect owed to those at the top.

Quoting this because it sums up the situation really, really well.

Also,

quote:

My brother moved in with me because of his pending divorce, and his habits are driving us to the poor house. His ex-wife lives off her family�s money and her rich new boyfriend, but still expects my brother to pay half of whatever she decides. My brother just rolls over and pays, leaving me hanging when our bills are due.

He is the same way with his three kids. �No� is not a word in their vocabulary. The girls don�t want to share a room (they are 10 and 7), so my brother sleeps on the couch. Then he complains about his bad back. The kids want to eat out for every meal they have here. I will literally make tacos, and they whine that they want to go to the expensive TexMex restaurant by the mall. My brother just gives in. My hours have been cut at work, and I have been pinching pennies. One of the reasons I let my brother move in with me was that I thought we both would save money. It isn�t working out that way. He feels like he needs to compete to keep his kids� affections, and I tell him he is doing more harm than good. Be there for the kids, but that means being a parent and not their best buddy.

He has twice run out of gas on the highway because he didn�t fill up his tank enough and instead spent the money on ridiculous overpriced snacks for the kids. I have bought generic snacks and switched them into more expensive bags, and the kids do not notice. I love my nieces and nephew, but they should not be ruling the roost when I am fighting to keep the lights on. I am this close to kicking my brother out and getting a paying roommate. I do have a lease with him.

quote:
You need to have a very serious conversation with your brother in which you describe how his largesse with his ex and his children is impacting your household. Let him know that you will no longer pick up the slack while he spoils his kids and sends money to a woman who doesn�t need it. Explain to him that you know he loves his children dearly, but that spending money that he doesn�t have on them does not make him a good father. He is setting unrealistic expectations for them. Remind him about his back pain and that he could be sleeping comfortably if he would only have enough backbone to make two girls who are close in age share a room. Put your foot down. Tell him that you will be forced to find new living arrangements if he doesn�t make a change. Ask him if he�s truly happy with the way things are now and if he thinks they are sustainable. Bring up the fact that you all moved in together with the goal of saving money, and how you have been forced to cover for him. Since you�re both on the lease, instead of kicking him out and finding a new roommate, you may have to consider leaving yourself. Stick to your guns and insist on a change and if you don�t get one, take steps to untangle yourself from your brother�s mess.

Dad is apparently Michael Scott.

quote:

I just let my son down in a big way, and need to know how to help make it right. He is almost 7, and an only child/only grandchild/only great-grandchild. I�m a single mom. His 91-year-old great-grandma is an important part of his life. She lives 30 minutes away with her son, a temperamental curmudgeon who has an old mean dog. When my son was 1.5, the dog bit him, making a cut and tiny scar on his face. She hasn�t bit or attacked anyone else, but she growls and bares her teeth when there�s no threat. We�ve been trying to see GG as often as possible as she�s not going to be around forever, and has some signs of mild cognitive changes, plus she adores my son.

Today, we visited in a smaller group than usual and my uncle didn�t want to keep the dog in a bedroom as is the usual protocol. My son cried and asked him kindly to put her away, but he refused in a way that made me see his uncle�s desperation; the dog is his �baby,� and he is very lonely and alienated. I gently told him my son was scared, and he reluctantly put the dog away, but soon had her out, promising she�d be okay. I told my son we could give her a chance and that I�d ensure she went away if she growled or showed signs of aggression, but I didn�t. I just watched him like a hawk and intervened anytime he was near the dog. It growled and bared teeth, and made the visit strained. How can I show my son that I have his back and will support him when he�s scared? He�s very sensitive and empathetic and needs me to be his trusted supporter. I broke that trust, I�m afraid. Is there any way to get it back?

quote:
Though your son may have been afraid of the dog, it�s unlikely that he feels that he can trust you less because that happened. Thankfully, the dog didn�t attack him this time. If you need to address the incident with him, tell him you�re sorry that the dog made him uncomfortable and that you won�t allow that to happen again. Explain that his uncle doesn�t mean him harm, but that he is very attached to his dog in the way that some people are with their children. For future visits, insist that the dog is kept away from him and leave immediately if his uncle brings her out. You should ask that when he comes over, he and his great-grandmother spend time together in a separate room from his uncle. I don�t know how well she gets around, but if possible, you may want to consider picking her up and spending time together at your home instead of hers.

It's just a tiny little scar on a baby's face, what's the big deal

# ¿ Apr 13, 2024 01:52

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Mordiceius posted:

This lead people to FIND THE NEPHEW'S TUMBLR ACCOUNT

Oh my. That's so on-the-nose crazy it doesn't feel real.

# ¿ Apr 14, 2024 02:27

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

quote:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a restaurant, I was attempting to enjoy a meal with friends while taking in the beautiful ocean view. When I glanced to my right, I saw that the guy at the table next to us was wearing low-hanging shorts that revealed his butt. He was a young guy and appeared to be with family.

Restaurants don�t seem to have dress codes or refuse service to customers not dressed in a decent manner.

We had already ordered and were waiting for our meal when I first noticed the guy. So I said, in a voice that the customers next to me could hear, that I could see his butt -- how disgusting when you�re in public. The family ignored me, so I repeated my statement again, a little louder.

My friends said I should just not look. But I�m single and always monitor my surroundings to stay safe.

Finally, the mom (I assume) came over and said very quietly that I should have just come over to their table quietly to express myself. Then she went back to their table and told him, not in a quiet tone, to pull his shorts up, and he did comply.

I don�t want to see anyone�s butt at the meal table. I don�t feel it�s my place to say anything, but it would have been unsafe for me not to be aware of my surroundings.

How would you recommend handling this situation if it happens again? It was a mood-killer for me.

quote:
GENTLE READER: Yes, it is unsavory to mix unsolicited nude sightings with lunch.

But Miss Manners notices that you twice mentioned safety and monitoring your surroundings. Having properly identified it, what exactly did you think the butt was going to do to you?

In any case, the mother was correct: Discreetly coming over to her table would have been far more polite than making a scene. Or you could have told a restaurant employee. Because having publicly announced your displeasure in a loud voice -- twice! -- no one believes that you really thought it �not your place to say anything.� You just chose not to do it directly, which no doubt resulted in a mood-killer for the rest of the restaurant.

So was this actually someone's bare rear end, or did this woman feel threatened by sagged pants, a fashion that has been around for over three decades and is associated with gangsters and the inner city?

# ¿ Apr 14, 2024 03:35

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

ChairmanMauzer posted:

These two were my food-related favs:

AITA for not participating in my friends "scheme" to convince a restaurant to buy his ketchup?

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a 'restaurant for magicians', and it is tearing our family apart

Ask A Manager once shared an amazing story about a holiday party featuring magic (I don't know why men think magic is impressive to a date, I know the thing I look for on dates is to be an appreciative audience for someone's hijinks)

quote:

When I was fresh out of college, a dude in my social circle invited me to his fancy work Christmas party. He was a teacher, so I�d kind of assumed I was there as friend to act as a buffer between well-intentioned female colleagues who wanted to set him up with one another, with their daughters, etc. I was wrong! This invitation to a work Christmas party was meant to be the first date of a magical relationship between two people destined to be together. Why a magical relationship? When I opened the door, he said he�d hope we�d have a magical night leading to a magical relationship. Then HE DID A MAGIC TRICK. I was� startled.

The party was at a country club, where he drove around and around looking for a space while I said �they have valet. it�s only valet� over and over. Inside there was a coat check. He didn�t want to leave his coat�because there were additional magic tricks secreted inside. We went in, got our drink tickets and our seating assignment. I sat down at a table that was mostly single women several years older than we were. He offered to get me a drink, and I asked for a glass of any kind of wine. He came back several minutes later with a mudslide because girls love mudslides, because they�re chocolate and girls love chocolate. I don�t. But he tried! That�s sweet! Right? Over dinner, I tried to make that sort of general polite conversation people make around banquet tables with strangers. He kept jostling my arm to get my attention to show me another magic trick.

At the beginning of the evening, I really thought we were casual friends, but I was single and kind of open to dating this guy if we got on well. Maybe that hokey line was a story we�d tell our grandchildren! But it was becoming increasingly clear that this guy was Not for Me. That didn�t mean I wanted to embarrass him in front of his principal, though. I finally said something like, Would you mind terribly saving those for after dinner? I�m really interested in hearing more about Harriet�s begonias, aren�t you?�

He pushed his chair back and stalked across the ballroom to a piano. He plopped down and proceeded to pound out an assortment of sad pop hits. There was Muzak-y Christmas music, but he was gonna play the piano anyway. At this point, I was embarrassed to have come with this guy. My tablemates were embarrassed for me. One of them left and came back with the glass of wine I�d asked for initially. I drank it while the middle aged ladies at our table told me all about their various bad dates. More wine showed up. Then someone asked if I like martinis and brought a martini. Apparently none of them drank, and, as my date played �You�re So Vain� while staring mournfully at me, I drank my way through pretty much all their drink tickets. I am an effusively nice drunk person. I told each and every one of these women that they were beautiful angels shaping tomorrow�s great minds to recognize the power of sisterhood and human kindness. Or something to that general effect. My memory is a bit fuzzy, for obvious, gin-based reasons.

My date wanted to leave, so I went to coat check. I tipped the coat check person, and he reached in the tip jar to fish out my money. I thought he was going to pay the tip. Nope. He told me coat check is free. I said I know. I put my tip back in the jar and sidestepped him when he tried to help with my jacket. His department chair and her husband appeared and said that my apartment was on their way and they�d be happy to drive me. I told them they were �hashtag relationship goals� and made an actual hashtag with my fingers.

I was driven home by way of Taco Bell by these very nice strangers. A week later, the guy called to say his work friends loved me and would I like to go out again. I would not.

A few years later, a friend was telling me about a legendary party her school hosted before she got a job there. A girl nobody knew got plastered and told everyone she loved and appreciated them while her boyfriend played the piano at her and drowned out the Christmas music. I did not reveal my identity. Maybe there�re two of us? I hope there�re two of us.

# ¿ Apr 17, 2024 17:42

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Baronjutter posted:

I just don't understand people so spineless and easily influenced. They rarely change too. If you get them to change it's only because they've switched from instantly going along with what their mommy tells them to instantly going along with what you tell them. But it's like the muscle in their brain that lets them decide things themselves simply never developed, it's entirely atrophied. You can give them a huge pep talk about standing up to their mom/dad/spouse/boss or whatever and they seem to totally get it, but the moment they face that person they instantly fold.

I've known a couple people like that, and it's wild hearing them get all pumped up to stand up for themselves then talking to them a week later and suddenly it's "no I was wrong to stand up to them, they actually totally convinced me I was wrong" and you ask why and they can never explain it. "Well I know I went over to tell my mom she needs to stop smashing the headlights out on my car every week and you all made good points, but after talking to my mom I realize it's way too soon to be making demands like this of her. Also she's my mom and she explained she's doing it because she loves me. Anyways, I need to stop being so influenced by my friends, please don't try to turn me again my mom again"

I started reading poetry last week for some reason:

IT IS SO EASY TO GIVE IN
I have been thinking about the man who gives in.
Have you heard about him? In this story
A twenty-eight-foot pine meets a small wind
And the pine bends all the way over to the ground.
I was persuaded,� the pine says. �It was convincing.�
A mouse visits a cat, and the cat agrees
To drown all her children. �What could I do?�
The cat said. �The mouse needed that.�
It�s strange. I�ve heard that some people conspire
In their own ruin. A fool says, �You don�t
Deserve to live.� The man says, �I�ll string this rope
Over that branch, maybe you can find a box.�

It's not the whole poem, but the ending is depressing.

# ¿ Apr 17, 2024 17:51

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

PetraCore posted:

Now I'm imagining a company holding a costume party at a concentration camp, then getting mad when someone dresses as a prisoner.

What I remember most about the company plantation party is a woman coming down the stairs in "period" dress, her face falling as she saw the OP, and then the most Karen-y picture ever of her pointing at him and clearly complaining to someone. Mostly because that dress was the ugliest dress you have every imagined. It looks awful and she's so happy about it.

In looking it up I also found some questions that the OP answered.

quote:

Commenter- Anything you planned for the party that you missed out on? I would have paid to see you surprise a Confederate officer. Funniest/most clever thing I've seen on Reddit yet. Well done.

OOP- That would be it. There was a super old couple, New England transplants from the south, who came with Confederate Officer uniforms, and were really proud of them. They kept talking it up, and were probably the most excited, out of everyone in attendance, about the ball. After my reveal with the chick in the dress, they avoided me like the plague (the black one) and their uniforms were never seen.

quote:

Commenter- On a scale of Canada to lost-every-shred-of-dignity, how apologetic were they?

OOP- Is "SUPER CANADA" an option?

Crocobile posted:

If we�re reposting classics, I�m missing the title but this one is saved to my phone. It�s the sex role-play �OFFICER DOWN� one.

quote:
So we've been with eachother for 6 years. Our sex life is just as good as when it started, I just wanted to try out some kinkier stuff so I suggested roleplaying. Kevin (husband) was somewhat open to the idea, but also thought it was a bit ridiculous. This is something I've always wanted to try, sort of like a fetish. So we got a few costumes, a Cop outfit and a Spy trenchcoat for him, and a nurse and cheerleader outfit for me. All of our roleplaying revolves around one person being in character, and the other interacting with them.

But he takes his roles as a joke! He goes intentionally extreme with the roles. I know he thinks it's a bit ridiculous, and I know he has more fun when he does this, but I want a real roleplay!

For example, when he dressed up as the Cop, he was supposed to do a stop and frisk, arrest me, etc, but in a sexy way. But instead, he kicks open the door, screams "HANDS UP THIS IS A RAID" and basically tackles me to the bed (this is OKAY it's NOT ABUSE we have rough dom/sub sex all the time), handcuffs me, literally reads me my Miranda Rights, leaves me there and rummages through the drawers throwing stuff everywhere, pulls out a little baggy of weed and goes apeshit like a cop might. I play a long, try to get him to 'let me go' if I can do sexual favours for him. Then we have some rough sex with handcuffs and everything. The actual sex was good but he kept speaking into his fake radio calling for backup, when I was on top he would shout OFFICER DOWN OFFICER DOWN.

With the Spy outfit he would come in and check me for wires and do the whole Pink Panther thing where he says "It is lovely weather we are having" while sneaking to the drapes and then beating the drapes up. I was envisioning a more James Bond-eqsue seduction.

Like, I like the sex, it's good, but I wanted a more porn-like experience. And it was kinda funny but not what I thought. And I KNOW that he thinks roleplay is ridiculous, and that he is trying to have fun with it but I feel like he doesn't know what I want. And I don't hate him for it, he's a big fuckin goofball in or out of our roles, but I want to have MY experience. How can I tell him this?

Oh my gosh yes! Quoting because I love re-reading it. OFFICER DOWN!

trickybiscuits fucked around with this message at 23:57 on Apr 17, 2024

# ¿ Apr 17, 2024 23:43

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

artsy fartsy posted:

AITA for leaving my boyfriend at the airport after he “pranked” the TSA with a dildo?

Glenn Milstead (stage name Divine) used to smuggle drugs through the airport by putting them directly under the anatomically accurate "prosthetics" he wore for shows and movies. Anyone searching his luggage would open the suitcase, see the prosthetics, and slam the top closed immediately.

From AAM: our employee retired � but now she won�t leave

quote:

Our employee, �Fiona,� decided to semi-retire after 20 years of working with us. She asked to reduce her hours and work mostly from home, which was approved. Since the start of her official semi-retirement date, however, she still comes to work almost full-time. Fiona hasn�t asked to go back to her full-time salary and would likely decline even if this was offered. She said she hates being at home and prefers to come into the office. I think she�s working at a slow pace and tending to non-urgent tasks.

The issue is that we�ve hired Sally � with Fiona�s blessing � to replace her. While Sally hasn�t said anything, I would feel weird about taking over a role of someone who�s supposed to go on semi retirement but is still coming to work every day. Is this situation potentially problematic or should we leave Fiona to do what she wants?

quote:
Yeah, it�s definitely a problem!

First and foremost: potential legal issues. If Fiona�s work responsibilities or pay mean that she�s non-exempt, you�re required to pay her for all hours she works, whether you asked her to work those hours or not, plus overtime if she ever works more than 40 hours in a week. And even if Fiona�s pre-retirement job qualified as exempt, keep in mind that her new, reduced salary might put her below the salary threshold for exemption. (If she�s earning less than $35,568/year, she�s non-exempt, no matter what her job duties are. Interestingly, the law doesn�t prorate that for part-time employees.) You�d also need to make sure she�s earning at least minimum wage when you divide her current pay by the hours she�s actually working, not the hours she�s been assigned. And you might be legally required to offer her health care and other benefits, depending on how many hours a week she�s showing up.

But there�s also Sally! Most people in Sally�s shoes would be uneasy at being hired to replace someone if that person then continues to stick around and not leave. Sally might be wondering whether you�re going to end up deciding you don�t need her after all. She might worry she can�t take full ownership over her work with Fiona hanging around. Are their responsibilities clearly divided, and is Fiona respecting that division or blurring the lines? Is Sally comfortable changing processes or ways of doing things with Fiona hovering?

For a glimpse into how Sally might be feeling, see these letters from people in similar shoes:

the person who used to do my job won�t go away

the guy who did my job before me won�t go away

I was hired to run a department � but the old boss is still there, 10 months later

our CEO won�t let go of a retired employee

And who is managing Fiona now? Does that person have a clear idea of everything she�s working on? (It sounds like maybe not.) They need to!

It sounds like Fiona is having a hard time adjusting to semi-retirement. But she can�t really announce she�s only working X hours a week, let you make plans to replace her, and then continue showing up nearly full-time. At a minimum you can�t let her work off the clock if she�s non-exempt � but you also really need to look at how this is all affecting Sally.

As a next step, sit down with Fiona and name what�s happening: �We�d planned for you to be working X hours a week, and since we�ve hired Sally to replace you, it�s important that we give her space to do the job we hired her for. We�re thrilled to have you for the X hours a week we agreed on, but we need to stick to that to keep the work divisions clear for everyone, and to ensure the company is meeting our legal obligations on pay and benefits.�

Update:

quote:

To summarize what happened after my letter was published:

1. Boss reminded Fiona to work part-time only.
2. Fiona complied reluctantly, blaming Sally (her replacement) for this arrangement.
3. Fiona gradually increased her own working hours back to full-time. When asking other coworkers for their work failed, she made extra tasks like creating unnecessary reports or copying documents by hand writing instead of printing.
4. Even though Sally officially took over Fiona�s role, Fiona continued to monitor and criticize Sally�s work. She refused to hand over certain jobs to Sally and insisted on doing these herself.
5. Boss eventually let Fiona go. She received a month�s notice and a large retirement package.
6. Fiona tried to continue to work after her employment formally ended. She monitored shared files remotely, emailed clients, asked another employee to submit his work for her to �check,� and requested updated passwords on sensitive documents.
7. When her access was promptly cut off, Fiona contacted me privately to say she was upset at this disrespectful treatment of her, Sally�s supposed incompetence and rudeness, and being let go when she wanted to keep working full-time. I wished her well and otherwise didn�t respond to her long rant.
8. I directed our team strictly not to engage with her over any work-related issues.

I do wonder if Fiona will reflect on her own behavior after time passes and realize she was the main contributor to the problem. She could have continued to work part-time as initially agreed if not for all these issues.

This was a bizarre experience. Sally, however, is doing great.

# ¿ Apr 18, 2024 17:14

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

mystes posted:

I'm having trouble believing that requiring cellphones is much of a class filter in 2024.

A smartphone is also incredibly useful for finding food and shelter. The whole conversation (which I've heard before) reminds me of George Orwell writing in the book A Clergyman's Daughter about homeless men running to see the job announcements posted outside the newspaper office in the morning, when the work had probably already gone to someone who could afford to have their newspaper delivered. You can say that if someone can afford a new newspaper every morning then they don't need money, but it's a method for survival and if you've never been barely surviving you won't realize.

# ¿ Apr 18, 2024 17:52

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Mordiceius posted:

AITA for not taking my mom back in?

No, I'm only supposed to help your sister at your expense!

Here's a Dear Prudence that very carefully doesn't say what customers find so unpleasant about MeeMaw's conspiracy theory talk

quote:

In our family business, my husband and I find ourselves entangled with his mother, who plays a pivotal role in its day-to-day operations. While all mostly runs smoothly, there�s a snag that�s been causing me no small amount of distress: her unwavering obsession with extreme conspiracy theories. These ideas seem to guide her decisions and permeate every aspect of her interactions with our customers, leaving me in a rather uncomfortable predicament.

Given her seniority and her age, most people tend to brush off her musings or reluctantly nod along to avoid friction, and avoid her as much as they can. However, I find it increasingly challenging to dance to a tune I don�t resonate with, especially when it tarnishes our customers� and employees� experiences. Numerous patrons have approached me, expressing their discontent with her approach, and while I lend them a sympathetic ear, I refrain from throwing her under the proverbial bus. My husband and I are in lockstep on this issue, and he�s already attempted to broach the subject with her many times. Likewise, I�ve had a candid heart-to-heart with her about the feedback received from our clientele.

But here�s where I�m at a loss: how do I draw a line in the sand to protect my own sanity? I have zero interest in conspiracy talk, and though I�ve expressed this to her, she insists on keeping me what she believes to be informed. The constant barrage of such inane conversations is beginning to wear me down. It�s not just affecting our business�s bottom line; it�s taking a toll on my personal well-being, to the point where I find myself on the verge of snapping.

Prudence, could you lend me your wisdom on how to establish some much-needed boundaries in this situation? I�m eager to find a solution that fosters familial harmony while safeguarding the integrity of our business.

quote:
Your mother-in-law is actively upsetting customers, showing poor judgment, and not responding to feedback. You and your husband should take a serious look at whether she�s actually still playing a pivotal role in day-to-day operations, or doing more harm than good to the business. It sounds like it�s getting close to the right time for her to enjoy her retirement. However, I know the decision about when that happens isn�t yours alone and may require a conversation with several family members. With that in mind, your best bet is to focus on protecting yourself from these aggravating exchanges. If the type of business you�re running lends itself to creating some physical distance by locking yourself in an office or wearing headphones, obviously those would be good first steps. If not, I�m going to prescribe a white lie. Instead of telling her �I�m not interested in conspiracy talk��which may just make her feel judged or inspire her to work harder to convince you that yes, Dr. Fauci and the Clintons were behind 9/11�you can say, �I�m dealing with a lot of stress/anxiety/high blood pressure and it�s important for my health that I not talk about things that are upsetting or get me worked up. Please send me all the details in an email or write them down and I�ll review it when I have a chance.� And of course, route those emails right to trash.

# ¿ Apr 19, 2024 01:08

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Danaru posted:

Should my (33F) boyfriend (36M) help cover the cost of a tow?

And then her boyfriend did that thing girls do where they gather their hair up like they're going to put it in a ponytail but they don't (oh God I found this a reread it now my brain in mush)

And randomly, a really cute one: My sister looks great and I always look busted

quote:

My little sister and I have really similar faces and body types. She literally always looks good and really pretty and I always look kind of busted. I've looked through some pictures and the way she dresses really flatters her figure, and she wears makeup most of the time. Comparing us side by side, I guess I mostly just look less put together. She has a cohesive style that she rocks, and I mostly wear jeans and whatever t-shirt.

I don't really know where to start with upgrading my style. I want to know how to dress in a way that flatters my figure, makes me feel good, and in colors that look good on me. I also want it to be my style though, and I barely know what that is!

I also want to learn how to do makeup, but don't know where to start! It feels like almost everyone has their own look and own style and just...knows what to do. I don't know what makeup to buy much less how to use it

Can you guys help me learn how to look more put together?

Edit: things I've learned so far! I have yellow/olive undertones to my skin, hooded eyes, hourglass shape that I don't define well because I'm self conscious about my stomach. I can't figure out my face shape? And I'm not sure how to know what colors look good on me

Edit2: EYELASH CURLERS LOOK TERRIFYING

Edit3: Y'all I did ask my sister for help! She pointed me in the right direction and a lot of y'all have given me awesome resources and tips too. I'm really excited! Also she's not like in the other room she's a college student in the middle of studying for finals like 30+ hours away from where I live. I didn't want to put more on her plate but she was super happy to help!

Edit to update 2 weeks later: I've been practicing makeup and paying more attention to what I wear, what colors I like, and what I like wearing. I've also scrolled through old selfies looking at what colors I look good in, and made Pinterest inspo boards. Makeup makes a huge difference, and I'm realizing that I compare how I look barefaced with how other people look wearing makeup - my sister included. I also have a penchant for cool pastels and they wash me out! I never wear things that emphasize my waist (baggy t-shirts and midrise jeans), so I feel a lot bigger than I actually am. Understanding what I feel comfortable in and what I look good in has shifted how I see the clothes I have, and the direction I want my wardrobe to go in. Some of the outfits I like best do emphasize my waist or are in colors that really show off my skin tone. My favorite outfit is a navy blue crop top with a high-waisted skirt, and it's literally the only thing that hits all the buttons of what should look good on me. Definitely working on moving toward clothes that function well for my life AND flatter me!

# ¿ Apr 19, 2024 01:27

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Lieutenant Dan posted:

I desperately need to know what worm music is

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtshsLOoMbM&t=1423s

# ¿ Apr 20, 2024 04:57

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

CoffeeBoofer posted:

My husband won't let me take more than two showers a week. I told him I need him to stop or I'm moving out for a while.

This was a question years ago on Captain Awkward: #963: �My husband�s extreme environmental beliefs are a problem. How can I get him to give up this obsession?�

quote:

My husband has suffered depression for the past 15 years. It has taken many opportunities for a healthy and positive life from him in that time. He has gone back to school several times, trying to find his passion and came up dry every time. The last degree he got, he started at the age of 28 and as in mechanical engineering. He graduated at 31. He is from Europe and a culture which is very emotionally repressed. He moved to Canada to be with me. After a few months, he got a job using in engineering only to discover that it was not his passion either, despite being a natural problem solver and passionate about the workings of machines and systems.

He was a kind of non-actor for much of his life and the entirety of our relationship. All responsibilities of a couple fell to me; money, friends, planning for the future. All of this should have been red flags, but I come from an abusive home where I had to take on caregiving for my parents and siblings, so it came naturally to me to overcompensate. He said at one point that he didn�t want to worry about the future because he couldn�t be bothered.

In the first year of our marriage, he decided he wanted to switch careers again and move us to a farm where we could pursue self-sufficiency and work for ourselves. Neither of us has a background in farming or self-sufficiency, so he took six months out of his career to intern on an organic farm 200 km away while I continued to work so that we would be able to bu a farm. The farm wasn�t the best; it was very disorganised, and he always complained when I visited that the work was too hard. When he got back to the city, he took a temporary job as a waiter. During this time, I continually confronted him about his depression and seeking help. See, he didn�t understand that he was barely functional as an adult. He didn�t clean up after himself, didn�t cook for himself, didn�t manage his appointments or health. Again, that was all left to me to do for him. He went days without bathing or getting up from the couch. We used to have a joke about him changing from his �night jammies� into his �day jammies� and then back into his �night jammies.� Haha, I know, but I�m just a wife, not a psychiatrist. When he did pursue his interests, he didn�t engage. All of it looked like depression to me.

I begged him to address these issues, and upon threat of leaving, he finally did. His psychiatrist said he was one of the most emotionally repressed people she�d ever met and that he should try and address depression with medication and therapy. To his credit he did. His family was very harsh, particularly with regards to expressing emotion. He also went to a prestigious boarding school, where alumni graduate to run prominent corporations or hold political office (that�s why parents send their sons there), so I think he may have been taught that he was being set up to measure up to unattainable standards. In the years since his diagnosis, he has gone off his meds a few times without the guidance of a therapist or doctor because �he feels better and doesn�t need them anymore.� I told him that not even psychiatrists on antidepressants could make that decision for themselves, and he certainly isn�t able to either. Especially when every time he does go off them, he reverts to his depressed and helpless self.

Something that has always been a thread through his depression is a concern with environmental destruction and climate change. That is certainly one of the motivating factors with wanting to be self-sufficient. He and I do all that we can and has been suggested to reduce our carbon footprint: we�re vegan, we recycle, we cycle when we can, we don�t buy a lot of new stuff and always try to buy second-hand. We live rurally, but even then our cars are old, used and fuel efficient models. Where we live is in a housing bubble right now, so we rent a small house, but we have plots in the community garden. We hope to build an Earthship/sustainable house when things cool down and are learning about that now.

However, he is obsessed with conserving even more, to the extent that it is affecting his mental health and mine. If I fill the kettle up too much, even by half a cup of water, he�ll scold me for wasting energy. He refuses to believe that running a dishwasher is more water and energy efficient than hand-washing dishes, even though our energy efficient washer is far more efficient, many times over. He refuses to throw anything out, even if it�s broken or hasn�t ever been used because �that�s wasteful.�

Moreover, his concern about climate change never manifested as any activism nor action of any sort. He never raised money for environmental causes, nor went to marches or demonstrations before he met me. We have attended a few animal rights, and pro-immigration demonstrations, but those were from my research and at my request and it even took a lot of convincing to get his to those. In fact, for this all-consuming concern about climate and the environment, he doesn�t do much, except stay at home and be depressed. Which to me implies that it�s more about the �being depressed� than it is about the issue.

I think he has chosen these issues as a �load bearing depression repository� for him. Climate change and environmental destruction are these huge, complex issues that may take many years, if not our entire lifetimes to be resolved, if ever. They will always be there to feel lovely about, so if he claims that he is depressed about them, then he doesn�t have to face how he feels about himself.

I�m not discounting the seriousness of these issues, nor that they could be a factor in his depression. We should all be concerned and it *is* loving depressing, but his depression hurts both of us, and I refuse to let it take more away from him than it already has. I confronted him about this again, because it is having a detrimental effect on my mental health, but he assured me that �he knows his depression better now� and it�s not about that (he has also gone off his meds again independently).

Last time I told him that I couldn�t live with him obsessing over the kettle or the dishwasher and letting such small things affect our relationship. He says he will never be able to do that; he will always be concerned with it. He implies that when I overfill the kettle or use the washing machine to preshrink fabric *for the clothes I make myself* I am not concerned about these issues, which is complete bullshit. He says I gave him an ultimatum, which I did. But I have tried, Lord have I tried, to reason with him.

I struggled with anxiety for many years myself, but the delightful �generalised� kind, now with added panic attacks. I know that I will never �know my anxiety� enough to think I have it licked. Indeed, anytime I�ve had that thought, I�ve realised it�s a red flag to check in with what is really going on because a mental illness� �job� is to separate us from those who care about us and will use any method possible to get us alone with it.

How can I help him see and give up his obsessions, which are ruining both of our lives?

Thanks,
Can�t Get Any Greener (female pronouns)

quote:
Dear Can�t Get Any Greener:

For the entirety of your marriage you have cooked and cleaned and financially supported and cajoled and begged and emotionally labored and thrown your life into upheaval so that your husband could get to the bottom of his depression and �find his passion.�

And now you can�t even do the loving dishes or make a kettle of tea without him criticizing how you do it. Strange how he has made his concern for the environment line up 100% with monitoring and controlling you to the point that he begrudges you every drop of water you use in your house.

You have already said everything, and tried everything and ended up here. You already know what you need to know about your husband. Whatever his good qualities, he is kind of a passive dude, bad at taking care of himself, and he exerts himself only under extreme pressure from you or when he can offload the effort and costs onto you. If love and loyalty and trying hard were enough to fix this, it would have been fixed already. You can care about people but you can�t do their caring for them.

If I knew a way to make him a) stop his selfish behaviors at home and b) engage more proactively in his own life, I would tell you. There is nothing to say. What could we say? Not everyone gets to follow their passions in life 100% of the time? Sometimes you just have to go to work and do your best by your family even when you�re not feeling it? Depression sucks and requires long-term boring maintenance and treatment and sometimes it will be bad and sometimes it will be better?Depression isn�t excuse to treat the people in your life like crap? There is more environmental activism on heaven and earth than the kind that maximally inconveniences and annoys your spouse?

If I knew the words that would help you leave him forever � to bathe or not bathe, as it pleases him, to work or not work, as it pleases him, to follow his passions as it pleases him, to put only the exact true one correct amount of water in the kettle � I would say them to you now. If this were a fairy tale, I would write the secret inside an enchanted mushroom and wrap it in a magic handkerchief that you could carry with you through the tasks and trials ahead.

We have 900+ posts on the site and probably half of them contain some variation this question (Praise Sheelzebub!):

If nothing changed about your relationship, and you knew it would stay just like it is now, how long would you stay?

1 more year?

5 more years?

10 more years?

How many more years can you pour into this man who pours so little back into you, who thinks even the water you consume would be better saved for �The Earth?� (as if you are not of the Earth and on the Earth, as if you are undeserving of water, as if he gets to decide that.)

You�re worried that he won�t make it without you, but he will. If you leave him, he will suffer for a while and try to get you to come save him and then he will loving figure it out. He will get some kind of job, or make some friends, or �live off the land.� He will find a shelter or a food bank or move back in with his parents. He found you, didn�t he? He will find someone else, somewhere else, and he will survive.

If you�re not there yet, or ever, that�s okay. You are the boss of you!

In the meantime, it�s time for a therapist�for you. Unpack the ways your parents groomed you to put up with this man. Unpack ways to separate his choices and behaviors from his illness. Treat your own anxiety with the seriousness and care that it deserves. (If he wants to get therapy, great, but put the energy you�d spend cajoling him there into going yourself.)

In the meantime, it�s also time to push back hard at his policing behaviors. �When you do the dishes, you can decide how to do them. When I�m washing them, back off.� �You are not the boss of the kettle.� �I don�t want to hear it.� �Your constant harping on me makes me feel bad. Stop it.�

He�ll be like �BUT DON�T YOU CARE ABOUT THE EARTH?� and you can say �I do care about The Earth and hey, that�s not a stick to beat me with. It�s not a competition and nobody designated you Chief Earth Carer in our house. Back off.�

Interrupt him. Shut it the gently caress down. You do not have to just take this.

And don�t try to dig into to his depression when you push back at him. As you point out, you�re not his psychiatrist, you�re his wife. And you�re not just his wife, you�re a loving human being who gets to exist in her own house without being constantly monitored and picked at. Address the behaviors. If he has sad feelings because you are standing up for yourself, those are his job to deal with. He cannot save the planet by controlling you. That�s not how any of this works!

When you�re ready, if you�re ready, the time for threatening to leave will be over. You tried that already, he rallied just enough to get you to stay, and then reverted to form. If you decide to leave, skip to the part where you say �I�m leaving you� and then do it.

To my eye, you have done everything you can humanly do to make your marriage work, and it�s actually working perfectly�for him�as long as you are willing to comply with his ridiculous requests and subject yourself to his control the next time he wants to find a new �passion� and make you pay and pay and pay and pay for it. It must have worked for you sometimes on some level or you wouldn�t have stayed so long. That�s okay! That doesn�t make his bad behavior your fault! Just, there�s a reason you included the entire history of his behaviors in your letter. You sound exhausted. The costs are adding up, and you are not a selfish person if you want to get as much from your marriage as you give.

Or, to put it another way, your selflessness will never fill up his empty places, but his selfishness can drain you dry. You deserve a happy life that isn�t dominated by this guy�s needs. You deserve a garden of your own, and enough water to nourish it.

I hate to think it might be the same person seven years later but it might be.

Admiral Joeslop posted:

AITA if I get angry on my husband because he woke me up from my sleep?

Hey toots, don't forget to cut the crust off my sandwich like mommy does

This is in violation of the Geneva Convention .

Invisible Clergy posted:

But she can't just pull the nail out of her head!

Why won't anyone help her with this nail in her head?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4ujpEGgQLw

# ¿ Apr 20, 2024 05:04

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Arsenic Lupin posted:

Dear Miss Manners: My 29-year-old, fully independent daughter recently told me that she does not wish to hear negative comments from me: �If you can�t say something nice, don�t say anything at all.�

Dear Miss Manners, I have been forced to be polite and accepting all my life, when really I longed to be racist. My daughter doesn't want to listen to my being racist. Tell me I'm being wronged.

That reminds me, it's been a while since I shared an estranged parent thing.

quote:

So to be brief it�s been a lovely week.Easter came and went and did not see my son or his family.

Since having two girls he has changed and it feels like he uses his children as hostages, trying to make arrangements to visit is like going to the dentist. It take from a mon. to fri night to get a reply and be granted an audience, and the few times I am granted access it feels like a parent on visitation, my son and wife sit a the kitchen table with their cell and the kids are there go play with them. Other times at least 5 times, arrangements made for a sat or sun, get up take a shower and cell go off someone is sick so no go.

Same scenario for easter breakfast, asked on monday and by sat night still waiting, I invited them to my town 20 mins from their place, but they wanted to meet nearer to their place, because they were going to visit her family after, fine no problem don�t make waves.

And now its where to meet ( never ever been invited for a meal), screw around screw around he didn�t know where to eat. he gave me some names i picked one and he replied there are two which one, back and forth then he says he has no time for games in his life ??? wtf does that come from, it just turned me off the whole thing, I said forget it just feels like a downer now, that was 3 weeks ago cricket�s since.

I feel like because I am alone, it screws up their plans? they have my daughter in-laws parents my ex and her whatever, so being alone makes you less?? I�m just lost, they invite me and cancel me has been going on for a while,but this easter was the first time I did not have easter with my family, xmas is the same I get stress weeks before cause I don�t know where my window will be, its been the same for most holidays. I don�t like the thought of not seeing my grandchildren, but I�m not a piece of crap either do I have to beg to see them?

My sympathy is automatically with the son, I haven't even met this person and already I feel the need to set a boundary about how much of their whining I'm going to listen to

remembertorelax posted:

Anytime a story touches on ridiculous expectations on how to do things, I feel like I have to spend a lot of extra time thinking through whether their complaints make sense. In my life, it's been so much more common to see people build a case about how their partner is controlling when the partner just has reasonable expectations for adulting, like "we should probably put trash in the trash can" or "if you make a mess in a shared space, you should clean it up".

Yep, I've seen this as well.

Ask Amy: Middle-aged woman disgusted by date's messy house

quote:

Dear Amy: I am a middle-age single woman and recently started seeing a man my age. I was married for 20 years, and he has never been married. My two children are in college.

He is a really sweet, smart, and respectful man. We share a lot of common interests.

He recently invited me to his home for the first time and � it is fairly disgusting. Not just messy, but very dirty and unhealthy � with food waste and dirty dishes and pots on the counters.

I�m unsure about what to say to him about the state of his house. I truly don�t ever want to spend time there. Up until then we had always gone out or come to my house, which is clean and fairly nice � like in a normal sense. (I�m not a clean freak or anything.)

Should I tell him about how I feel about his house and ask him to clean it up before I come over again?

� Recovering

quote:
Dear Recovering: Your guy invited you to his house. Presumably this visit was planned, and he was putting his best foot forward.

He is a mature person living in the world. He is making choices about how he is living. I�m not sure asking him to clean his house would be useful.

You should be honest about where you choose to spend your time: �I�m not comfortable in your house; it is too messy for me to feel at home there.�

I do think it�s important that you understand the reality of a future with someone who doesn�t take good care of himself and his surroundings.

I hope you will continue to enjoy his company, but don�t kid yourself that you will be able to inspire him to live differently.

You�ve had experience in a long marriage; if you two end up cohabiting, you will end up being continually frustrated by his poor life-skills.

# ¿ Apr 22, 2024 02:21

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

The Maroon Hawk posted:

Help me Reddit, my son and his wife are parents of newborns/young children (I guess the story didn�t specify age) and they�re acting like it!!!

Here's what that person wants:

quote:

My mother-in-law is generous and dotes on our 3-year-old son. We live less than an hour away and visit every Sunday. She invites us to spend the night on holidays, but never in the spare room. Instead we sleep on an air mattress downstairs. They let other guests (and our son) stay in the spare room. My mother-in-law has accused me of snooping a few times. I never have. I think she doesn�t want me upstairs. My husband defended me from those accusations, and my father-in-law apologized to me on her behalf. She has a hot temper, but she eventually apologized too. But she still makes sure I never go upstairs. If I need something for my son that�s in his room, she�ll go out of her way to get it for me. I feel resentful at the thought of another New Year�s on an air mattress on the floor in the living room. My husband doesn�t think it�s a big deal, but he doesn�t have a good reason for why she does it either.

quote:
My main concern is that you visit your in-laws every week (that�s 52 visits a year!) under conditions of obvious suspicion and scrutiny. I think you and your husband ought to talk about cutting back. Surely you can think of other things you�d enjoy doing with your Sundays. Just because your in-laws love your son and you live an hour away don�t mean you have to dedicate every single Sunday to seeing them. You could cut back to one or two visits a month and still consider yourself an exceptionally tightknit family. As for not wanting to sleep on an air mattress on a different floor from your son�that�s a perfectly reasonable desire, and I can�t think of any reason why you shouldn�t politely decline to spend the night and drive home. You don�t have to make the announcement rudely or petulantly. It won�t ruin the holiday. It�ll just mean a good night�s sleep for you and a more enjoyable New Year�s brunch the next day.

# ¿ Apr 22, 2024 02:57

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Pope Corky the IX posted:

Yeah, at this point anyone trying to bring the thread back to the asinine discussion of what kinds of animal abuse stories should and should not be allowed is going to be taking the afternoon off.

Two days ago I was at my dad's house and I hugged his cat who did not want to be hugged, please do not judge me for my brutal actions. I was a different person then.

A sweet one:

Me (27F) and my boyfriend (23M) of 6 months, he confessed that he likes to wear women's underwear.

quote:

A month into our relationship my boyfriend and I were drunkenly texting. He told me he wanted to tell me a secret but was really nervous to tell me. After some coaxing he admitted to me he liked wearing women's underwear. I was a little shocked initially, not because of the kink, but because I have never dated anyone with a different kind of fetish. He kept apologizing to me and telling me he was weird. I told him I didn't think it was weird, I've heard about this fetish before, that it was just different for me because I've never been with anyone with a fetish like that. It didn't change how I felt about him in the least bit. To the point where I completely forgot about the conversation. He didn't bring it up again after that weekend, and I'm ashamed to say it was in the back of my mind. I was at a music festival that weekend so there was a lot going on.

Fast forward 5 months later: This past Saturday we went out dancing and drinking. We had an amazing night, and he told me he falls in love with me more every day. I adore our relationship and everything about this man. We were pretty tipsy (him more than me) and when we got home I could tell something was on his mind. He kept looking at me and had this funny smile. He joked about us getting really freaky that night a couple times. Our sex life is amazing, and I am very open sexually. He then said he wanted to tell me his deepest secret. I could tell he was really nervous. He asked me a couple times not to judge him, and I ensured him that I never would. He told me he told me this secret before and I insisted that I didn't remember. When he told me it was the weekend I was at that festival I slightly remembered the conversation but still couldn't remember what was said. He told me he would show me.

We went into his bedroom and he asked me a couple times to promise not to judge him. He then pulled out a pillow case he had hidden in some boxes and gave it to me. I opened it up expecting a vibrator or something but ended up pulling out a handful of women's panties. He asked me if I thought it was weird. Again I told him, no, not weird just different. I told him i was excited to explore this with him. I asked him if he got these from previous girlfriends, he told me no, he bought them. I also asked why he likes wearing them and if he had a favorite pair. He told me its because they are sexy, and he didn't know if he had a favorite. I was trying to get him to open up more, and reassure him that i didn't find this kink weird. Finally I asked him if he would wear a pair for me. He smiled and said yes. He asked me not to look as he put them on (He kept telling me not to peek, he was so nervous!) and then jumped under the covers.

We kissed and touched and made love. It was just as amazing, if not better, as it always is. I felt us grow ridiculously closer. We had sex a couple more times that night without incorporating the panties.

Today I spent the day with him before work doing yard work and hanging out. When we had sex I really wanted to ask him to put the panties on for me. I was just nervous and didn't know how to approach the subject. I don't want to overwhelm him, but also at the same time I want him to know that I am completely comfortable with him and his preferences. I am planning to buy him a pair as a gift, but before I do that I really want to talk to him and ask him questions about his likes and dislikes.

This leaves me here: I changed into my work uniform at hs house and threw my clothes in a drawer that he has for me (i spend about 3 nights a week at his house, we see each other every day almost. we are ridiculously close). I also happened to leave the panties I was wearing today in there. I've been contemplating telling him something along the lines of "hey baby, I left my underwear in my drawer in your room. I'm not sure how this really works, but if you'd like to try them on you can do that. I'd even really like it if you snapped a photo to show me if you want."

I just really don't want to make him uncomfortable. This is new territory for me, but I am so curious and have so many questions for him. I know he will open up to me eventually, but my question is this; do i tell him about the panties i left for him, ask him to wear things for me when it's sexy time? or do i just wait and let him introduce this side of him to me at his own pace?

TL;DR boyfriend just confessed to me that he likes to wear women's underwear. Still seems nervous to open up to me. Do I encourage him by asking him if he wants to try on the panties I left at his house or do I let him come to me when he's ready?

The supportiveness is just :3:

# ¿ Apr 22, 2024 21:11

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

DoubleNegative posted:

AITAH For telling my husband that his affair child is not welcome in our home and if he wants custody he will have to move out?

quote:
EDIT - For all the people concerned about what a whip cracker I am in making my poor husband work 2 jobs... He has never had a fulltime job since we have been together. He works 2 part time retail jobs now that add up to 40-50 hours a week.

Ohhh, this guy SCREWED himself

Snow Cone Capone posted:

this is slightly less true nowadays but a fun thing about parking in manhattan was that unless it was a tow zone, a lot of times it was cheaper to just park wherever and get a ticket than to pay for a garage

seriously though, to the uninitiated, driving in NYC is mostly just about keeping your wits about you. Don't expect people to signal lane changes, don't turn right on red, don't stress about getting honked at, and understand that if you leave even the slightest room for someone to merge in front of you, they will. That's honestly like 99% of what you need to know

oh a corollary to "don't stress about getting honked at" is "don't block the intersection, even if everyone behind you is honking" that poo poo is like a $500 ticket

Can someone compare driving in NYC vs. driving in New Jersey? I've never driven in New York City but a few years ago changed my attitude from "I hate driving in New Jersey" to "I need to practice driving in New Jersey" and it's made a huge difference. New Jersey drivers just come across as very skilled because they learned to drive in New Jersey and I have to be on my toes to keep up.

Anyway, content:

Help! I Reconnected With My Estranged Daughter�Only to Realize She�s Too drat Sensitive.
She wants me to grovel.

Oh no.

quote:

Dear Prudence,

I need advice on how to reconnect with my formerly estranged daughter. The two of us fell out badly in 2016, when I could no longer bear watching her disastrous life choices play out and she could no longer stand hearing my views on those choices. I made a lot of bad choices myself when I was younger (resulting in me being a single mother with two jobs and debt), and it was awful watching her throw away opportunities I�d worked like a dog to get for her. (For example, she turned down a scholarship to study computer science to pursue an expensive digital art qualification instead, then racked up debt moving away instead of staying home to study, work, and save.) Our biggest fallout came when she announced her engagement to �Nick,� a man with no job prospects and no ambition, who expressed that he would be content being a househusband and stay-at-home dad while my daughter essentially fully supported him.

When my daughter told me she was marrying this man with no degree but plenty of debt, I flat-out told her I would not pay for the wedding and did not approve. She screamed at me, and we did not talk again until this year, when she made contact over email to tell me she was pregnant and asked about reconnecting. I was excited about the idea and was cautiously happy about her pregnancy news since it seemed planned and she was not in the dire financial straits I had feared. When we met, however, things didn�t go well. I was shocked when I saw her: She had put on weight (far more than pregnancy weight at this stage), got a bizarre and unflattering haircut that I cannot believe her job allows, and was covered in tattoos. I said something about her looking very different, and she immediately snapped at me that if I had nothing nice to say, I shouldn�t say anything at all. I said I didn�t appreciate her speaking to me as if I was a child. She stood up and left the cafe without touching her drink, barely two minutes after we�d sat down.

Now I am left wondering if it is worth taking another shot at reconnecting at all, since apparently, she will disappear at a hair-trigger of tension. I want to send her an email asking about what happened but have no idea what to say. I suspect she will want a groveling apology (she has demanded these in the past), which I have no intention of writing, but I do wish to speak with her and, obviously, meet my grandchild at some point! Do I owe her an apology for the surprised reaction to her appearance? If I send an email, how do I strike the balance of a placating tone, reaching out, and not over-apologizing for something extremely minor? I miss her badly, despite our difficulties.

quote:
I�ve composed a text message to your daughter for you: �I want to apologize for my comments about your appearance when we met for coffee. I realize that my tendency to be critical of you is a large part of why our relationship fell apart in the first place. It�s a bad habit of mine, but I know you�re an adult now and don�t need my feedback�especially not when it can feel insulting. I miss you and really want to spend more time with you and be in my grandchild�s life, but I know that won�t work if I�m making you feel attacked. I�m committed to changing my behavior and want to ask you for another chance.�

Only you can decide whether you want to send that. If it feels like a �groveling apology� or �over apology� and if there is no part of you that actually agrees with what I�ve written, don�t. If the only relationship you�re going to enjoy with your daughter is one in which you don�t withhold any thoughts about her choices, her weight, or her approach to parenting and get to say whatever comes to your mind, you have the right to choose no relationship at all.

I hope that even if the idea of saying you�re sorry makes you roll your eyes, you decide to fake it until you make it. Send the text. The next time you see your daughter, whether she�s made a confusing change to her appearance or is doing something you think is irresponsible, don�t say anything. Bite your tongue when you feel moved to offer unsolicited observations or negative reactions, if only because you know your typical comments will lead her to get up and walk out again. Then spend regular time in therapy until you can authentically accept her for who she is, even when she does things that you don�t understand or agree with.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2024 05:25

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

sinnesloeschen posted:

what the hell this rules

Yeah, I'm going to go do all of these things. That's my new favorite song.

FMguru posted:

Another unwanted family reconcillator story. Fortunately, OP has a Pete-like spine.

AITAH for not trying couples therapy with my ex because she gave my number to my brother?

I never get tired of stories with the pattern:

A: If you do [that thing], I will break up with up
B: * does [that thing] *
A: I'm breaking up with you
B: (sobbing) H-how could you?!?

"We are no longer a couple."
"I want to go to couples therapy."
"For what?"

Also, "I wasn't in the mood to argue so I just broke up with on the spot." I got chills.

# ¿ Apr 25, 2024 03:26

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Help! My Mother Kept a Haunting Memento From My Childhood.

quote:

When I was in kindergarten, I had a rat tail hairstyle that my mom was very into, but the other kids made fun of me about it, and eventually I decided to get my hair cut. My mom was very sad about it at the time and decided to save the long lock of hair after it was cut. She�s kept it in a chest for about 30 years now, but as she�s planning to move out of her current house, she mailed me three big boxes of photo albums, random school work, etc., and in one of the boxes was my rat tail, sandwiched in a scrapbook! What do I do with a 30-year-old rat tail? I don�t feel right throwing it away, but I�m very creeped out.

�Distressed Former Rat Tail Owner

quote:
Dear Former Rat,

I�m guessing this thing is pretty small, right? I would totally support you in throwing it in the trash, but if that truly feels wrong, place it in an envelope, and stick it in the back of your junk drawer or on a shelf in your storage shed or way back in that unreachable place at the top of the linen closet. Now it�s out of your life, you never have to think about it (until you move or something, at which point maybe you�ll be ready to say goodbye) and your problem is solved.

Alternatively, you could have a little ceremony. I�m serious, hear me out: It sounds like the attachment you and your mom share to this little bundle of hair could represent deeper feelings about your childhood, the painful experience of being teased, and maybe the angst associated with asserting your independence from your mom�in terms of your hairstyle and just growing up in general. Perhaps there�s also something there about the loss of your childhood home and your mom moving on to the next stage of her life that�s making all of this feel even more intense. So, lay the rat tail on the table, light a candle, and journal in response to the following prompts: �What does it feel like to think about the year I wore this hairstyle?� �How did I feel when I finally cut it?� �What does it signify to my mom, and what does it signify to me?� �What are my hopes for the way my mom and I relate to each other over the next 30 years?� Sit and look at the hair and reflect. As Marie Kondo would say, thank it for its service. And go toss it into the water at the beach or into the bushes at a nice scenic dog park and move on with your life.

What

# ¿ Apr 26, 2024 02:18

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Pope Corky the IX posted:

Cons: With ~~the hand towels~~ his face

# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 01:55

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Quackles posted:

AITA for not Saying "Yes Sir" to my Manager?

Get out now and let the place burn.

AKA Pseudonym posted:

I laughed hard because I fell for that poo poo hook line and sinker at my first job. I was so goddamn proud of myself. Jesus Christ.

drat right. I've worked hard at jobs, but I didn't expect much for it most of the time. It was for the my own satisfaction.

# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 02:08

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

ApplesandOranges posted:

Man, story about guy with racist mom/sister just makes me so mad. There's not even a satisfying end to that one, what a bummer of a story.

A friend of mine (Italian-American) married a Chinese-American guy and moved to NJ to reduce the chances that they'd keep hearing things like "But if you marry him, your children's eyes will be all chinky!" :vomit:

Here's something lol but harmless:

quote:

Dear Amy: I have a weird parenting question.

My four-year-old takes a short nap after she comes home from preschool.

After her nap yesterday she came down the stairs and her hair had been cut!

She denies doing this and is very upset.

Her bangs were cut all the way up to her hairline, and one whole side was cut short, while the other was left longer.

I am worried that she would do this. It seems really dangerous and self-harming. And she denied doing it, when she obviously did. So she�s lying.

My husband and I are not sure what to do about this. We don�t know how worried we should be.

� Worried Parents

quote:
Dear Worried: Congratulations � you have just passed a near-universal rite of passage for parents of four-year-olds.

Children this age seem compelled to cut their hair. And most of them lie about it. (I remember blaming my sister for cutting mine while I was asleep.)

This is not self-harming. This is beautifying. And curiosity. And a growing awareness of how scissors work. (It�s quite remarkable that kids who do this don�t seem to injure themselves.)

Stay calm and good-humored. Tell your daughter that hair takes a long time to grow and now that it is cut, she will have to be patient while it grows back. Tell her that scissors are very sharp and that she needs to ask you if she wants to use them.

Take her to a salon or barbershop to have a professional even things out. (Correcting these self-haircuts is probably why the �pixie cut� was invented.)

Your child�s preschool teachers are a great source of wisdom. Ask for their advice.

The lol comes from being thinking that a four-year-old cutting their hair and telling a lie (probably afraid she'd get in trouble) is anything at all to worry about. I guess I'm self-harming when I trim my eyebrows too much.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 04:25

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

mystes posted:

That's a little disappointing because my first reaction to the post was that she's nuts

She is. Boyfriend is still a cheater.

Batterypowered7 posted:

You need coldiron for that, dumb dumb.

She needs to press a horseshoe to his face while he sleeps and post an update when he wakes up and asks what on earth she's doing.

# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 04:41

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Also cute

quote:

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 22-month-old son is generally happy and independent, except when I drop him off at day care. If I drop him off at snack time, he will happily sit in his chair, start eating and wave bye-bye at me. But if there�s no food involved, he begs for me to pick him up, and cries when I�m leaving. He loves his teachers, and will in fact cry if they leave the room during the day. Any advice? Our day care encourages us to give a hug, kiss, and get out of there, but I�m not sure if it would be better for me to sit down and hang out with him for a few minutes before leaving.

�Separation Anxiety

quote:
Dear SA,

You don�t need advice from me because your child�s teachers, having seen it in dozens of kids for years, have already given you the best advice. Hug the kid, kiss the kid, and keep it moving. Separation anxiety is entirely common for little ones usually up until the age of 2, since they are still learning that their attachment figures can be gone yet still come back again. (It�s a truly jarring concept if you think about it.) Believe me, it�s harder for you than it is for him, and you staying around longer to fawn over him and dry his little tears is just going to make it that much more difficult for the both of you to get on with your lives. If it�s still happening at 2 � then maybe you have something of a situation on your hands, but until them, I think you�re good.

I know it�s difficult. I know it�s heartbreaking, but unless he�s still weeping when you return hours later, I can assure you he�s come to terms with your parting long before you have. The fact that it doesn�t happen at snack time is really just evidence that your immediate presence is worth about four grapes and a cheese cube to him. Which is exactly as it should be.

# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 05:49

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Reddirt AITA dump

AITA for calling my SIL cruel for excluding her brother (My Husband) from her upcoming wedding?

quote:

My husband (32) grew up with one sibling, his sister (28). their parente seperated and because of that they drifted apart because each one of them chose one parent to stay with. he had a rocky relationship with SIL growing up as a result, but later got to work out their differences.

My husband is a jokester, Sil complains about being on the recieving end of his pranks and jokes whenever they spent time together, She claimed that because of him, she lost her high school friends, her highschool sweetheart and lots of self esteem because his pranks wore her down emotionally and mentally. Now they're in a better place but old habits die hard and my husband is still the jokester he was years ago.

SIL got engaged 2 momths ago and invited my husband and me. Unfortunately, My husband decided it was a good time to pull a prank on her during the party and lied about her fiance's brother having an accident that night. He was joking of course, but things got out of hands and the party got cancelled. My SIL yelled at my husband and hasn't been speaking to him eversince.

Now her wedding is comping up, but she hasn't yet sent her brother an invite. Seeing him sad and depressed made me call her to ask what the deal was. She bluntly said she wasn't going to send him an invite to her wedding after he ruined her engagement but I thought that was excessive, first of all, it was a prank, a regular one that he pulls all the time and she and everyone else reacted over the top. and besides he already apologized multiple times and in my opinion, that should be enough for him to be granted some grace and forgiveness. She said sorry but she wasn't going to take a risk snd invite him so he'd ruin her wedding, and besides that her fiance does not feel comfortable having him there and she agreed with him. I was stunned I called her cruel because this is her brother, and he never had malicious intentions towards her yet, she keeps getting offended and oversensitive over everything he does, at the end of the day they're family. She asked that I respect her choice but I said that this is not okay seeing how sad her brother is because he doesn't wanna miss her wedding. She ended the call after saying she owes no one nothing. I found that real harsh and cruel and felt like she keeps punishing him over something that was in the past. My husband started crying when I told him about it, but there are actually some family members agreeing with her decision and telling me off for defending my husband's "horrid" attitude.

AITA for telling my friend her boyfriend is not allowed at my wedding

quote:

I shall try and keep this short, though I have a tendency to ramble and add more than necessary info so I apologize ahead of time. Also, I'm on mobile. Anyway, I'm supposed to be getting married early October 2022. It's not gonna be a big wedding or anything, but me and my fiance both have friends that we dont want to leave out.

I have this friend (Amanda). We have known each other since highschool, and we arent incredibly close by any means but we are still somewhat good friends and hang out regularly and I would like her to be there. The problem is, I just recently found out who she is now dating and she wants to bring him as her plus one.

My sister (Lily) and her ex (Steve) broke up about 10 months ago, because she found out he was cheating. She was heartbroken, and I know along with that pain she still has a lot of resentment for him and doesnt even like hearing his name. He was a poo poo boyfriend so my family has no problem with him no longer being in our lives.

8 months ago, Amanda told me she had started talking to someone and she really liked him and everything. She wouldnt tell me who, not even his name, because she said she didnt wanna share anything about him till it got more serious. I didnt really understand the secrecy, but didnt force her to tell me anything and just let her know I was happy for her and hope it all worked out.

Well last week, she told me she was dating Steve. They had gotten more serious and she wanted to make their relationship public to the people they care about. She also said she knew how much I disliked him and what he had done to my sister, and hoped I would try to understand their love and be happy for her and try to see him in a different light. I was a little shocked at first, since I really didnt expect her to be with a guy like him, and she knew what kind of person and boyfriend he was. But it isnt my place, and I told her that I'm happy shes happy, and that was that. Well two days later, we are texting about the wedding and everything and she mentions steve being her plus one. I do not want him there. Not only because I know my sister, who's my moh, doesnt want him there, but also because I dont like him and neither does my fiance.

I immediately told her that Steve was not invited to the wedding. She was confused, and I explained to her that I was sorry, and I'm happy for her, but I didnt want him there. At first she thought it was just because my sister would be, and kept saying that they wouldnt even be near each other and it would be fine. But then i explained that with everything that happened, we didnt want him there. I said sorry again, but she kept saying how I dont want her to be happy, how I just want to live in the past, how I want to punish her for finding love, stuff like that. None of that is true, and I tried to tell her that but she stopped responding.

So now I'm left feeling like a complete rear end in a top hat and i dont know if i should just let steve come or not.

Edit/Update(?): First of all, I want to thank everyone sm for commenting and giving judgment. I know I havent replied to everyone but I tried to give any extra info that was asked for or relevant, though I am sorry if I didnt reply to you ❤.

Now, as I have mentioned in the comments, I had a lapse in my judgment and that's what lead to this post. I thought maybe I was seeing things simply from my distaste for Steve and it was coming off as I wasnt supportive of Amanda and that's what made me think I was wrong for not allowing him to come. But I see now, I am completely in the right to not have or want him there so he will not be invited and that wont be changing. With Amanda, I have pretty much decided that she is no longer invited to my wedding and I'm pretty sure I'm ending the friendship, but I wanted to sit down with her and have a conversation first. Not to salvage anything, but I have some things to say to her and questions to ask.

With the cheating; I mentioned in the comments that we only know of 3 girls steve cheated with. We all believe there are more, especially since one of the affairs goes all the way back to a year (they were together for 2), but we dont know for sure and have no solid evidence atm, and Lily doesnt care to find any. Amanda could very well be one of the unknown affair partners, it's very likely and the timing and secrecy make more sense to believe she was. Even though I intend to end this friendship, and I'm finding it hard to believe that Steve wasnt cheating with her, it would still suck if she had been. Another thing I mentioned in the comments was that Amanda had offered support to my sister when everything happened, she even said more than once that 'Steve was an rear end in a top hat for hurting Lily', and for that to most likely had been an act would suck lol.

I would also like to clear up something about Amanda and her wanting to 'make their relationship public's. Right after she told me they were dating, she started posting them of social media and telling people, so my wedding wouldnt really be their coming out event, though it would definitely be a way for them to show off their relationship and gloat and everything. Still not okay, but just wanted to clear it up and not mislead anyone.

Last thing lol: I was finally able to get a respond out of Amanda. I told her I would like to talk to her about everything and get everything out in the open, and she has agreed to meet with me and talk. Sooo I shall update when that happens.

UPDATE: I wasnt sure if it would be better to post an update here or to make a separate post, so I hope posting here is okay. Also, sorry for the wait. I was finally able to sit down with Amanda and talk today. Anyways, on to what happened.

I didnt really want Amanda coming to my house, so we met at this small cafe place near where we live. I figured it wouldnt be too crowded and we would be able to have a discussion easily there so it was the best option. She was there first, and as soon as I sat down, she looked extremely smug. It seems that she thought I had wanted to talk to apologize or something, and thought i would be telling her Steve was invited to the wedding. Imagine her surprise when I almost immediately tell her that Steve is in no way allowed to attended, and I have officially decided to rescind her invite as well.

She was instantly angry, asking why I would do that when I was obviously in the wrong, why I would uninvite her simply because she wanted her partner there, etc. Bullshit like that lol. I let her rant for a minute before I calmly told her what I wanted to say. I told her that my family, and literally everyone important to me that would be at the wedding, did not like Steve. No one but her wanted him there, and multiple people would be uncomfortable if he was. I also told her, it was my wedding and me and my fiance are the only two people who gets to decided who comes and who doesnt. I was clear that she was allowed to want her boyfriend there, but I wasn't obligated to cater to her wants, especially when that's someone I dont like at all. I even told her that if she had just decided not to come at first since he couldnt, I would have understood. But she tried to guilt me into inviting someone who wasnt wanted, so that's why she was no longer wanted. I told her how her actions made me feel and how I now perceived her, and made it clear I wanted to end our friendship and stop our contact. She was furious through every word.

Before I ended the conversation, I told her that I had a question and I wanted the complete truth (honestly wasnt sure if I would get it though lol), and I asked her point blank, was she with Steve before he and Lily split? She got nervous, wouldn't even make eye contact, and stayed silent for a few seconds. I figured that told me what I wanted to know, but I honestly wanted to hear her say it. Then she did.

She told me that they have been together for a year, total. They started sleeping together when Steve and Lily got into an argument, and Amanda started falling for him so thought being his mistress was better than not having him at all. At first, he would only go to her when Lily and him fought, but then he started going to her whenever Lily was busy (or his other girls were). She didnt feel sorry about it at all, and kept trying to justify her actions. She even tried to justify her ability to look my sister in the eyes, to comfort her, all that even though she was loving Steve for so long. She really thinks she did the right thing just because she loves him. At one point she said that they really were in love, and she was the only one in his life now. I felt bad for her then, I admit. But that's not my problem.

I got up, I walked out, and I drove straight to my sisters, where I am now. Told her what I had learned, and we are having a very fun girls night with icecream, alcohol, and movies.

Amanda and Steve are no longer my concern and I have decided to enjoy the stress free time while I've got it, cause I know I'm gonna be stressed the closer the wedding day gets lol.

Thank you to everyone who commented, you were all right about the cheating and everything and I am extremely thankful for yall opening my eyes.

AITA for telling my (F28) fianc� (M27) to drop his �groomswoman?�

quote:

My fianc� �Ben� and I met at work. We worked for a tech company where I handled office management stuff and he was part of the customer support team. His best friend �James� worked there too and also a woman, �Alex.�

Before Ben and I started dating, he and James and Alex became a friendship group. The three of them liked a lot of the same hobbies and stuff and James and Alex encouraged Ben to get training and move from customer support to being a developer like them. When Ben�s apartment flooded he lived with Alex, and even after he moved out he still hung out there a ton.

When Ben and I started dating, I still wasn�t bothered by the friendship too much because it mostly revolved around activities that I wasn�t especially interested in and Alex always seemed supportive of us as a couple. She was the also the only woman at the place that worked on the actual tech side of things and not in the office so it made sense that guys were the only work friends she could have. She and I did try to get together more once Ben and I were a couple, but it kind of trailed off because we just didn�t have a lot in common and it felt like we were trying too hard. I never got the impression she didn�t like me or was jealous or whatever, just kind of two different people.

Anyway, Ben and I finally got engaged and we were talking about our bridesmaid and groomsmen choices and he kind of threw me a curve ball and said he wanted Alex as one of his �groomswomen.� I thought he was kidding and laughed but he was dead serious and is including her in all of the bachelor party activities and things as well.

It seemed a little odd to me but I shrugged it off. But then I was in the kitchen the other day while Ben was in the other room at his computer chatting with James and gaming. James asked if Alex was going to be wearing a dress or a suit for the wedding and Ben said a suit to which James replied �she�ll be the hottest guy there.� Ben replied with �probably the hottest girl too.� (Yes, Alex is attractive she�s really tall and stereotypically �hot.�) They laughed so I wasn�t mad quite yet just chalking it up to stupid banter when James said �for a second there I thought you two might start dating� and my fianc� came back with �yeah I could never land a girl like that.�

I sat there in the kitchen totally gobsmacked, like, how do you not feel like the runner up? Later when Ben was done gaming and we were sitting down to eat I told him I was no longer comfortable with Alex being in the wedding and he would have to drop her as part of his party. A huge fight ensued and I told him what I overheard and he said it was just talk and he and Alex never dated or had a physical relationship so I needed to get over it.

I feel like I never want to see this person again especially on my wedding day but at the same time I know she has been one of Ben�s best friends since before he and I knew each other or were a couple - so am I overreacting?

YTA but only to herself.

# ¿ Apr 28, 2024 05:28

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

idiotsavant posted:

Solution: don't go do coke and "hang out" at your apartment for an hour with guys you "sort of know" from the bar. If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, everyone's gonna think it's a duck, dumbass

I just watched a true crime video about a guy who went to party with some people he met at a bar in a hotel room and they argued, beat him up, and then killed him. Couldn't find the name but it's a good reason not to do drugs with people you "sort of know." It could be dangerous.

Captain Hygiene posted:

Reddit stories involving apartment locks always weird me out with how open everyone leaves their places. I remember multiple unrelated stories involving people randomly entering someone's apartment, and the discussion goes "well have you tried locking the door?" "no, I don't want to do that"

There was some story shared a while back about someone who kept leaving their apartment/dorm suite door unlocked so one of their roommates faked a robbery, messing stuff up and taking valuables from the shared area and the OP's room into their own room. I couldn't find the story but found something else. This is just the title because the story is long and the title sums it up perfectly: TIFU by forgetting to lock my apartment door and getting robbed, but ultimately the thief just did my dishes and stole some weed.

# ¿ Apr 28, 2024 17:58

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

deoju posted:

could've stopped reading there. The husband is an rear end in a top hat. "I like to pull pranks" and "what, you can't take a joke?" are the lies dickheads tell themselves to justify their lovely behavior.

Yup definitely the rear end in a top hat.It's not a prank if both parties aren't laughing at the end, it's just being cruel. And he did it repeatedly for years. He's a piece of poo poo he enjoys tormenting others.

The fact that she doesn't specify what kind of accident he lied about makes me think she is minimizing the it and he said he was killed or hospitalized. gently caress him. And gently caress the OP for enabling him. The sister should do more than uninvite them to the wedding and cut them out of her life completely.

The sister should have sent an extra invitation envelope to her brother with an index card saying only "gently caress you." No glitter. Glitter would require an effort.

Dear Abby: I let boyfriend�s side piece move into my apartment. Shockingly, this backfired

quote:

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is 18 years younger than I am. Our relationship hasn�t been perfect, but I love him to death. Unfortunately, I�m going through menopause and have all the side effects. Long story short, he found another girl. It was just supposed to be for sex, and he told me he wouldn�t get into another relationship or marry anyone but me. Well, he fell for her, which I warned him he was going to do.

They are both at my apartment. I�m trying to make him happy by allowing this, but he can be so mean to me, and he�s so nice to her. He tells me how nice she is, etc. I told him it�s because he hasn�t hurt her yet. He won�t have sex with me now. He claims he isn�t favoring her, but he is.

I love him so much, and don�t want to lose him. I�m in so much pain because I can�t please him in every way. I don�t know what to do. Should I allow this and try to make it work, or should I give up since it seems like he has given up on me? -- CAN�T STOP CRYING

quote:
DEAR CAN�T STOP: Let me get this straight. Your much-younger boyfriend and his new girlfriend live in your apartment (rent-free), and he no longer makes love with you. What are you getting out of this charade besides pain?

If I thought it would help, I�d advise you to stick it out and hope his romance will blow over. But I can�t -- because whatever respect and gratitude he felt for you is gone. The pain you are experiencing will end only when you find your self-respect and usher the two lovebirds out the door. For your own sake, please do it soon.

How was this not supposed to backfire!

# ¿ Apr 29, 2024 01:56

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Mx. posted:

Tuesday so soon??

How the hell did I miss it the first time around? Maybe this will atone for my sin. Long but worth it.

My husband�s ex gf is dying. Her last wish is to be with my husband.

quote:

First of all, I apologize if this is badly written. English is not my first language, so please be kind.

As the title goes, my[30F] husband�s ex girlfriend[33F] was recently diagnosed with late stage breast cancer and her last wish is to be with my husband[35M].

My husband, let�s call him Seb, and his ex Tanya became bestfriends after their break up a couple of years ago due to her infidelity. They were together for 5 years. Needless to say, they remain in contact even before he met me. I would be lying if I say it never made me feel uncomfortable even once. It did and it still does because Tanya is still in love with my husband. She never denied it and in fact would even call or message me when she can�t get ahold of Seb. Aside from cancer, she also has some mental health issues, thus my husband would always tell me to be kind and patient. Seb is no longer in love with her of course. She cheated and Seb swore that he will never get back to her and that he only see her as family.

Two weeks ago, my husband received a call from Tanya to tell him about the sad news. My husband cried with her and told her everything is going to be okay. They were on the phone the whole day. (I�m sorry, I forgot to mention that Seb and I moved to Australia a few months ago because of my job and Tanya is in Canada). They mostly talk via long distance call or whats app. They�ve been in contact almost everyday since we left. Which always bothers me but what can I do?

After that call, my husband told me everything. To be honest, I felt bad for her and I genuinely feel sad. I ask him what�s going to happen now. Seb told me he�s going back to Canada. Which is a shock. He then told me that her last wish is to be with him. I didn�t say anything except �what about me?�. He said if I can�t leave my job, then he�s going to �visit� me whenever he gets the chance. I walked out without saying anything.

I�ve been avoiding my husband since the phone call and have been ignoring him whenever he tries to bring up the conversation. Yesterday, I found out he already bought a ticket and is flying back home in January.

I feel like he�s abandoning me but at the same time I feel that I�m selfish for hating both of them. I�m honestly thinking of getting a divorce because obviously he�s choosing her over me but at the same time, I thought of why my husband is so attached to her. Seb considered Tanya and her family like his own as he doesn�t have one. She�s probably like a sister to him now. But Tanya doesn�t fell the same. She�s madly in love my husband and him granting her wish will surely make her think they still have a chance.

My entire life I�ve been putting others first� I�ve been very patient and understanding about their weird relationship. I feel sick, confuse. I want to call her, yell at her for ruining my marriage, for trying to steal my husband from me. For using her sickness to get what she wants. For being a b. I�m so mad at both of them. What did I do to deserve this?

quote:

Thank you all for your comments and messages. I didn�t expect my post to get this much attention. All I wanted is to get this off my chest so I can focus on work and other things. I�ve been a mess and being in another country with no one, only my husband, is making my situation worse.

While some people think that Tanya might be lying about her condition, unfortunately, she�s not. She was originally diagnosed a couple of years ago and has been on a treatment for it. Only recently she found out it progress and is now refusing further treatment. Sorry I wasn�t too clear about this.. My husband said, she�s giving up. In fact, she wanted to give up a long time ago but her family, including my husband, wanted her to fight. He�s going back to Canada to be her support as per her request.

Seb did suggest that I go back home with him. But my job here in Australia is a dream come true for me and I can�t just abandon it, especially not for her.

I know that divorce is the wise decision here. My husband obviously can�t let go of her and we can�t build a life together if he has a baggage. I love my husband so much to the point that I endure all of these through the years. Thinking of divorce makes me feel like I�m dying and I don�t know if I will ever be ready of letting him go..

I haven�t talk to my husband yet but I think he already knows what�s going to happen. I apologize for everyone who�s asking for an update. As many have guessed, I am not a good communicator which is why the situation got this bad. I am partially to blame for letting this happen to me, to us.

I already contact a lawyer to know the next step. Again, thank you everyone for you comments and messages. It made me feel better. I feel horrible for wanting to stop a dying person�s wish and for being mad with someone who�s helpless but you all are right. I should also think of myself.

[Update] My husband�s ex is dying. Her last wish is to be with my husband.

quote:

First of all, I apologize for those people who�s been messaging me in the past year asking for an update. I was a mess after what happened and couldn�t talk about it even to my family.

I was reminded of this post because someone messaged me on this reddit account today. It�s been over a year and a lot has happened, I think I�m now ready to talk.

Seb did end up flying back to Canada January last year. Before he flew, we talked about the situation and I told him I�ve been in contact with a divorce lawyer. He was surprised. He said he didn�t expect me to leave him just because he needs to be with his �family�. I remember at the time all I felt was anger. I was so mad that he�s making it sound like I�m the bad person. Nevertheless, the conversation didn�t end well. He left without any closure but he said he will be back in March.

I was left alone. January to March last year was the darkest days of my life. I knew I did nothing wrong but i ended up blaming myself for everything. I hate to admit but I cancelled the meeting with my lawyer as I started to doubt if I really want to leave him or not. I love him so much to the point that I�m willing to accept him again when he�s back.

During the entire time he was gone, he rarely called to check on me. I had to call him most of the time (I know, I�m dumb). I feel so alone and sad. I begged for his attention, to give me some of his time, to be with me again. All those time he kept telling me that Tanya needs him more.

March I was expecting him to come back so we can talk. But he didn�t come back. He said he needs to stay more and promised me he will be back in May. I don�t know what happened to me when I got that call from him early March to tell me he won�t be flying back to Australia. At the time, I felt like there�s a switch that suddenly turned off because somehow, I stopped caring. When he told me he won�t be back until May, I knew I have to move forward without him.

Fast forward to May, he was back. That day, we sat down to talk. He broke down and said �I can�t lose you too�. When he said that, I thought Tanya was gone. But no, she�s not and as far as I know, she�s still alive to this day. I asked what happened and he told me that Tanya asked him to go back and be with me. He said that Tanya is sorry for everything. Seb didn�t want to leave her especially when he saw how bad she was doing. They had a fight and according to him, Tanya wants him out of her life.

If I was the same dumb person, I would totally accept him back but at that time, all I can think was �he�s only back because Tanya doesn�t want him anymore�. I let him cry. I comforted him and let him stay in my apartment. A week after, I told him I�m divorcing him. At first he refused to leave. It was a long and painful process but on my birthday in July, he finally realized that he couldn�t manipulate me anymore. By August, he was back in Canada.

Divorce is not finalized yet but we have been separated since he left. He tried to contact me several times last year. Tanya also tried to contact me. Everyone including my family tried to convince me to give him second chance. But that day in March when I finally came back to my senses, I knew nothing can make me change my mind.

As of now, I�m doing fine alone by myself. I got promoted last year and moved to a bigger apartment near the beach. I found new friends and recently getting into Pilates. I�ve travelled Australia and New Zealand and met some amazing people. I feel like a completely different person. Last year was the major turning point of my life. Seb still bothers me from time to time but he knows I couldn�t care less anymore. Sometimes I talk to him. I still care but not as much. I�ve been told by our common friends that he�s not doing well. He became alcoholic and couldn�t get a good job because of it. He�s mostly couchsurfing because Tanya doesn�t want him to live with her. Lol. That bitch.

Thank you so much Reddit for taking the time reading this and my post last year. Your advices means a lot to me.

For those people who are in the same situation as me, please know that everything is going to be better. I thought I can�t get through this. There are times I thought of taking my own life. It was hard. But I promise you, it will be better. You�d be surprise how strong you are and how amazing life can be.

# ¿ Apr 29, 2024 02:32

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

kakotheres posted:

Also I technically organized the cigarette butt I found in a case drawer from a former employee, absolutely labeled it, bagged it and put it back where I found it

I love cataloging weird things. A while back I worked at a historic site with multiple buildings, and one January when a building was damaged it revealed a shoe from the time it was built (leaving a shoe in a new building for luck was common). The site catalogued the shoe with the catalog number 2006.01.01- the first item catalogued in the year. I don't think it was a joke. It was just funny.

(Technically, it should have been [year the building was donated to the site].[number of items associated with the building].01.)

# ¿ Apr 29, 2024 05:23

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

Arsenic Lupin posted:

Yup. Furthermore, it's a three-hour drive to the closesst major airport, and I don't like risking a traffic jam's making us miss a flight. Drive night before, sleep in airport hotel, get up at a less-uncivilized time, fly. Can't beat it if you can afford it.

The post isn't all that interesting, but I love this comment.

quote:
A: I would really recommend you take the quiz "is my relationship healthy" at loveisrespect dot org

OP: i tried putting my relationship into the thing and it says i might have network connectivity problems

I actually heard something even better than this, from Kurtis Conner: "I typed my symptoms into WebMD and I got a phone call saying 'You're gonna die in seven days.'"

Mordiceius posted:

AITA for threatening my wife with divorce after she quit her job to be a "tradwife"

Update: AITA for threatening my wife with divorce after she quit her job to be a "tradwife"

Final Update: AITA for threatening my wife with divorce after she quit her job to be a "tradwife" (self.AITAH)

Wife is a genius, deciding to depend financially on a man who can literallly be killed by work. Once she's divorced she'll probably have to work full-time too.

Here's another story of an idiot blowing up their marriage (pretty sure I haven't seen it posted here)

My husband is in love with his student. I have no loving idea what to do.

quote:

My husband and I (both 35 rn) met in college. We fell in love and got married 8 years back. I gave birth to our daughter in 2020. My husband is a professor at this med school (he�s a doctor himself). My friend, Sarah, also works in the same college and she�s in the same department as my husband.

Few months back(in December), Sarah took me out for lunch and told me that she suspected something�s going on between my husband and this med student (25f). She claimed she�d seen both of them give �yearning looks� to each other. She said that she�s known my husband for so long, and she�d never seen him talk to any other woman like this, that he�d been so aloof around women all these years, but it�s just different with this one girl.

In that moment, I had laughed at her face. I remember telling her that she�s jumping to conclusions based on these supposed �yearning looks�.

�That�s why I didn't tell you before", she had said,"I was confused too. It's not like he goes out of his way to talk to her but whenever they do talk, it�s like watching a slow burn romance movie. She looks at him like he�s Brad Pitt and he looks at her the way he used to look at you.� I remember the exact word�s because they stung. Internally I was breaking down, externally I just smiled and told her that she�s probably overthinking.

That night, I casually mentioned this my husband. I was laughing at the absurdity, and I expected him to join in. And deny the wild possibility that he�s in love with a student. But he didn�t. Instead he looked at me, all teary eyed, and said �I�m sorry�.

� I can�t get her out of my mind. I�ve tried, trust me. I should�ve told you sooner. But I thought I could save our relationship, I really wanted to.�

I asked him if he�d cheated on me. He said no. He said he didn�t even talk to her, nor did they have any contact outside of college and that he completely understood how morally depraved it is to try and pursue a relationship with a student. She wrote him a letter about an year back, confessing her love for him and he had told her that even tho he was into her, nothing would come out of it. Aparently that was when the �yearning looks� had started.

I honestly don�t remember how I reacted then. I think I just started packing and came to live with my parents along with my daughter. I�ve been living with my parents since then. Half of me wanted him to come and beg for forgiveness. But he never did. He comes by sometimes to spend time with our daughter but that�s it. He never talks about the elephant in the room nor do I bring it up.

I keep checking that girl�s social media. She�s insanely beautiful, almost doll like, and intelligent. I can�t help but think that someone like him should be with someone like her. He�s always been very good looking and I�m more of a plain Jane. She�s the Meredith to his Derek.

I don�t know what to do. What do I even tell people? I don�t even know who I am without him. Some part of me still wants him to come back.

Edit; I�ve decided to talk to him. I know I�ve been avoiding this since months but after reading all the responses, I feel it�s time I rip that bandaid out. I�m going over to our house. I�ll update on what happens.

TL;DR husband just admitted that he�s in love with this young woman who also his student. She loves him too.

Update:

quote:

For those who don�t wanna read the boring details : In short, I have decided to go ahead with the divorce.

Long story: The day I made the post, I met up with Sarah for dinner. I thanked her for telling me about my husband and the student, and also for being such a good friend.

I asked her about my husband. She said there�s nothing unusual. He�s been a bit withdrawn and aloof with everyone lately but that�s about it.

Yesterday I went over to my house unannounced. He was there alone in his office. I told him I wanted to talk. He said he�ll explain everything.

So apparently this woman has had a crush on him since two years; her friends �ship� her with him. She would stare at him during her rotations and would blush whenever he looked or talked to her. Back then, he didn�t think much of it. Many girls have had crushes on him and he always ignored it.

About 1.5 years back, they were in the same research group thing (I don�t know how this works but there were 5-6 people along with these two). Because of this, they had to spend some time together working, and it was then that he started noticing her. He went into detail about how he was impressed with her intelligence blah blah blah and her beauty blah blah blah. The moment he realised that he had a crush on her, he dropped out of the research thing. This was a year ago.

Few weeks later, she gave him the letter confessing that she has feelings for him. The first thing he told her after reading it was �you can get into trouble because of this�. She didn�t care. She wanted an answer. �Is it all in my head� she had asked, to which he replied with �it�s not just in your head, but nothing can come out of it. I hope you understand.�

That was the last time they interacted. According to him, the �yearning looks� Sarah described were more of �awkward eye contacts� than anything else. He told me that even though he is still attracted to her, he has no intention of pursuing any sort of relationship with her regardless whether we stay together or not. He said he�s willing to change his job and go to therapy. I told him to give me sometime to think about it.

To sum up;

This has been going on since three years. Not once did he mention anything to me.

2. The student and him spent a considerable amount of time last year working on the research.

3. He told her he liked her back lol.

4. He�s still very much attracted to her

And that�s why I�ve decided to go ahead with a divorce. I don�t think I can trust this man again. And a relationship without trust isn�t something I am interested in. I�ve told my parents about it. They�re not exactly on board but they�re still supportive. I�ve also contacted my lawyer about the same. It�s gonna be a long process, I believe.

That�s it. I believe this is my last update.

TL; DR ; he�s still attracted to her; I won�t ever trust him again. We�re getting a divorce.

# ¿ Apr 30, 2024 04:24

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

AITA for refusing a coworkers gift of used housewares?

quote:

So I (30F) recently eloped with boyfriend, well now husband (39M). We purchased a home on the lake in a new subdivision and it is truly our dream home. We had closed on our house about a month prior to the elopement so we already had moved our belongings in and purchased anything else we needed and sold any other belongings that we had in each of our apartments since the leases were up or almost up.

Once some of my coworkers found out we had eloped, they wanted to throw me a shower. I politely told them I was perfectly fine with having a little party to celebrate but no gifts. When asked why no gifts I told them honestly didn�t need anything. Typically in my area when a wedding shower or housewarming party is thrown people gift toasters or sets of dishes etc. Our home is furnished. We both have successful jobs. �No gifts or monetary gifts please. But we would love to celebrate with you. Your presence is the only gift we want.� That was basically the conversation. And it was received well. The party happened and all went well.

Yesterday a coworker who had not came to the party randomly showed up at our home. I am not close with this person. We actually try to avoid each other most days. Anyways, she arrived at our home with 3 large black trash bags that contained used houseware items from her home. She said she �knew it was hard when you are first starting out� and thought these items could help us �while we get on our feet�. She also made a comment about how she was going to have a garage sale but would rather just give them to someone who needed them.

I told her I really appreciated the thought but that we were settled and maybe she should take her items give them to someone who needed them because we were on our feet. She said I was just being modest. She ended up refusing to tell me how she got my address and also refused to take her �gifts� back with her. I told her we didn�t need her items but if she wanted to leave them I would be happy to donate them for her. She said I was being rude. She did leave the bags though and I am taking them to a local consignment store that sells items and uses the money to help survivors of domestic violence.

AITA?

Update:

quote:

UPDATE: HR was miraculously able to see me this morning. She also found the address issue concerning.

I work in Healthcare and I am also a patient where I work. Everything you access within our system is logged. So when they pulled her access records it turns out my coworker had accessed my medical records 5 times within a week. It was never within her job duties to access my file. She had also accessed 2 other coworkers files.

They terminated her employment on the spot. Within our company (and I would imagine most) that is grounds for immediate termination. Her sister in law is also an employee there and she had accessed my records as well. Her employment was also terminated.

Now I�m wondering if I need to seek legal action or even get a restraining order? My husband donated the items this morning. He said he didn�t want them in the garage any longer than necessary. I had read him the comment about the items possibly having bugs or being bugged and now we are both paranoid.

Ah, justice.

# ¿ Apr 30, 2024 05:27

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# ¿ May 17, 2024 14:42

trickybiscuits: Jan 13, 2008; yospos

quote:

Dear Care and Feeding,

This is a weird question but what is the best attitude to have about passing gas in a household with children? My partner and I are hoping to have a baby in the next year or two and this is something I randomly thought about when imagining daily life with a child. Despite having been together for close to a decade, my partner and I are fairly private about bodily noises around each other; when we are in the same room I try to avoid making any noise if I have to pass gas (though I don�t worry about it if we are in separate rooms and he is not likely to hear me). I don�t want a potential child to grow up thinking normal bodily functions are shameful, but I HATE �potty humor� and don�t want my kid to be the one making fart noises all the time for a laugh. Obviously, we will impart that if you make a noise with your body in public you should say, �Excuse me,� but what about at home? Should that be a safe space for passing gas without fear of consequence, or is it better to continue to enforce that some things should be kept as private as possible? I grew up in a pretty intellectually open environment, but my family was very private about any and all body-related matters so I�m not totally sure what the norm is.

�Excuse Me!

quote:
Dear Excuse Me,

Generally, I think it�s up to families to determine their own �culture� around these kinds of things. You can be a farting family or a silent family, a shower-in-front-of-toddlers family or a close-the-door family, a pee-with-the-door-open family or a privacy-please family. None of those are any better or worse than their alternatives. An easy way to parent this without making it a big deal is to frame it the way you did to me�as a personal preference rather than a universal rule. So, instead of telling your kids flat-out that farts are gross, you just say, �It�s fine if you think fart jokes are funny, but they make me uncomfortable, so no fart jokes in this house, please.� Similarly, once you�re a parent, you�ll know when your kid lets a fart escape on accident and when it�s done on purpose; you can address each of those appropriately in the moment. (However, I wouldn�t hold a child accountable for passing gas privately until about first grade or so; they won�t have that much body awareness before then.)

I loved to read my kids picture books that talked about bodily functions in a factual yet lighthearted way. It made the subject less taboo, which made it easier for me to discuss with and coach my kids. The Holes in Your Nose, The Gas We Pass and Everyone Poops are classics, but your library will have tons of options. In fact, when I was grabbing these links for you, I found this book, and this one, too! So, you�ll have plenty of choices that can help you determine and articulate your family�s policy on gas. (I�m sure you�re thrilled.)

Also, I�m a parenting book junkie. I was reading about parenting long before I became a mom, and I know those books helped me proactively figure out what kind of parenting style I�d want to have. So, if this conundrum is something that truly stymies you, grab some books on body- and sex-positive parenting, like Growing Up Greatand Sex-Positive Talks to Have With Kids. And don�t worry; in my experience, having kids throws you into the deep end of all kinds of experiences around the human body. I�m sure you�ll find your way naturally via the trial-by-fire nature of childrearing.

Anyone who doesn't appreciate farts should not be allowed to raise children

# ¿ Apr 30, 2024 07:03

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: it sounds like I'm having sex with a parrot or malfunctioning robot

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