Full Battle Rattle posted:

You know, maybe if we were all more open with what kind of porn we were into the world would be a better place

Alaois posted:

a world without handshakes

Choco1980 posted:

One of these days I'm going to pay forward the experience and buy a big stack of magazines and just scatter them to various nearby woods like a Johnny Woods-Porn...

Filthy Haiku posted:

Johnny Spilling-seed.

Sheng-ji Yang posted:

i like this show

Stickarts posted:

Get the gently caress out of this thread.

BARONS CYBER SKULL posted:

Judge Schnoopy posted:

>>Like an idiot, I did this
>>Open flames burned my pregnant wife
>>Somebody called an ambulance that took her to the hospital
>>Shot over there and burst through the door asking for help
>>... receptionist barely cared and just pointed me to a doctor
>>Just like that the doctor told me to move past it and heal
>>Peeked in the room and saw my wife laying there crying
>>Gasoline can't melt steeled hearts

PureEvil6_13 posted:

Inspired by the anonymous confession thread and participation promised by Solice Kirsk and others I think it's time again to purge ourselves of the embarrassing times we've had a sure thing, right in front of our faces, and completely blew it. I have several of these stories but I'll start out with the most popular one.

A New Hardcore Champion is Crowned

It was the dusk of my college career. I had already put in 3 and a half years and was starting to knock out the required classes I needed for my major. In the shuffle of changing majors and stuff it was determined that a general music class was required for my latest and last major.

The first day of this music class it was hard not to notice that I was one of 4 guys in a class with about 15 girls. All of them are freshmen. I go through a few weeks of class being non-descript. I pipe up with a smart rear end remark every now and again and make the whole class laugh, but I'm not a try hard like the other 3 guys. By and by I find myself at a bar one night and one of the better looking girls in the class is also in attendance. We bump into each other and she reacts like I'm her best pal. She's all, 'HEEEEYYYYY GUUUUY You're in my music class! WHOOOOOO'

I confirm to her that it is indeed me, that one guy from music class. We trade simple banter back and forth for a while until she asks me if I want to dance.

Ugh. I hate dancing. At this point in time I'm 6'4 and about 160lbs. I imagine when I go out and dance I look like one of those inflatable things you see at car lots. The prospect of getting all up in this girl is too much for me to deny her my terrible dancing so we go out to the dance floor. Right away she gets all up in my crawlspace, she's riding my thigh like a mechanical bull. My leg was getting to 2nd base with this girl before I even had her home. I had some friends there who were finding the display most amusing and they showed their appreciation by pointing and laughing at us from a distance of about 3 feet. I asked her if she wanted to get out there.

Back at my place we start making out as soon as we get through the door. We are all over each other, it's intense. At one point she suddenly stops and says she has to use the bathroom. I show her where it is and she does her business or whatever and comes back out.

Now, when she comes back out she does the coolest thing I've ever had happen to me. While walking toward me, she stone cold just takes her shirt and bra off all at once, throws them on the floor, and JUMPS on me, wrapping her legs around my waist and starts tongue punching my mouth again.

This kind of told me that this girl was ready to rock and I was going to do my best to pour the meat to her like no other. I kick open the door to my room and stumble toward the bed. When I reach the foot of the bed, I kind of lift her up under her arm pits and push her down like so her back would lay smack down on the bed and I would fall on top of her.

That was what I THOUGHT I was doing. Where I was actually standing was at the foot of my rather large, octagon shaped table next to my bed that I was using as a nightstand. I had a small stereo boom box on there, a lamp, my alarm clock, keys, snuts, garbage whatever and I just powerbombed this girl through the loving center of it.

It was a small explosion man, poo poo went everywhere. The table was broken into several pieces and she was loving dazed. Between laughs I help her up and brush her off. After verifying that she's ok she suddenly remembers that she has a boyfriend and that she shouldn't be doing this.

I didn't even try to argue because after that, I doubt the night could get any better.

The next story involves another girl from that class. I go 0-2.

Cubone posted:

Dear President Barack Obama,
That Scene In Jurassic World Where Chris Pratt Rubs Dinosaur Cum All Over His Muscular Butt Cheeks
That Scene In Jurassic World Where Chris Pratt Rubs Dinosaur Cum All Over His Muscular Butt Cheeks And His Pants And Underwear Fall Down And Everybody Can See His Butt And Penis
That Scene In Jurassic World Where Chris Pratt Rubs Raptor Cum All Over His Muscular Butt Cheeks And His Pants And Underwear Fall Down And Everybody Can See His Butt And Penis
That Scene In Jurassic World Where Chris Pratt Rubs Dinosaur Cum All Over His Muscular Butt Cheeks And His Pants And Underwear Fall Down And Everybody Can See His Butt And Penis But He Is Not Embarassed He Keeps Rubbing The Gooey Dinosaur Cum On His Cum Covered Butt And Says This Is My Cummy Butt Covered In Dinosaur Cum Mmm

Walrus Pete posted:

Holy poo poo

BigBoss posted:

*makes you wear blackface*

*holds a mirror in front of your face*


"Stop triggering yourself! Stop triggering yourself!"

Anatharon posted:

I don't get this one, I know nothing about American football.

Anatharon posted:

I don't get this one, I know nothing about American football.

mind the walrus posted:

The play that happened is rare and a stupendous loss for the Browns.

Karate Bastard posted:

So it's like if Trump was elected.

Anatharon posted:

I don't get this one, I know nothing about American football.

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

Seriously, it's magic. "Goons help this girl might like me or may want to be friends with me, either way I'm very uncomfortable should I consult an authority figure or what"

NotAnArtist posted:

She won't break eye contact with me while she makes a circle with her left thumb and forefinger and pokes her right index finger through it help goons

Sulla-Mario 69 posted:

just loving do it you softcock

Paul Zuvella posted:

seriously, wet it up you goonlord

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

What if she's ugly?

Neddy Seagoon posted:

One of my favourites;

SuperMechagodzilla posted:

12:05 PM eastern standard time, the Muslims have vanished. Check for yourself if you don't believe me. Where have they gone to?

There is speculation, of course. Scientists mention a cosmic storm that passed the Earth on January 20. A man says they are all in caves. Certain groups lament a faulty Rapture. A woman says he has taken their power and absorbed it into himself. She means Barack Obama. I doubt it, but he does seem somehow taller. The ground rumbles at times. The breaking news says WASHINGTON DC, with red concentric circles. I'm uneasy, but what can we do? Terror is defeated and if Obama were a Muslim, he'd be just as gone as them. There's no cause for alarm.

Within months, Barack Obama has declared a war on vague unease. It's a good idea, because frankly we could all use some peace of mind. Approval rating is higher than ever now that the Muslims had left, but I don't think we are happy yet. His eyes are shining sometimes, as a deer's eyes shine in a flashlight beam. Small fissures criss-cross the pavement. Trees are swaying, but the breeze is gone. Something is changing in our world.

Aeroplanes don't exist anymore. Scientists explain that the density of the air is too low to support their wings. Then how do we breathe?! We should have died by now, but I think we are evolving. Our bodies haven't changed, but the atmosphere..

One man says it was the rapture after all, and we have since entered the Kingdom of God. Barack is now the size of an oak tree. He sleeps outside since the rains have ceased, and his skin is thick to bullets. Now he wanders through he countryside impassively. He ignores a rural photo-op. He studies a leaf for twenty days. Only a fool would call this Heaven.

Satellites fall to earth like rain used to. No friction burns them away, so we trudge past countless flecks of solar panel and ribbons of golden cloth. It's a silent car crash every few hours, though cars themselves no longer run. No oxygen remains to ignite their fuel. Obama strides across the landscape, taller than the Freedom Tower. We've given up on assassination; all men are immortal now, and guns no longer fire.

I'm starting to wish the Muslims were back.

We found them with a telescope. Images of a colony on the right side of the moon. See the parts that jut from the lower right? I think they're mosques. Soon they are visible to the naked eye, but how? Their cities are enormous. We watch them as they live and die. They have our former atmosphere; the moon is fringed with blue. "Look at how they wield their guns," writes a man. "I always said he'd take our guns away." They eat and sleep like we once did, building worthless ziggurats. We have everything we wanted, but oh how we envy their strife!

It's long been clear that Obama brought this uncomfortable perfection upon us, but I can't bring myself to blame him for it. He's reminded us all of how our lives had been discarded out of fear. I know now why he grows each day. In time, when we are ready he will reach out into space. He will raise us up in his great hand, to this new Earth that gleams like a frozen star. And if Obama does not carry us, we can climb...

Shine posted:

Basically, US football teams who possess the ball can voluntarily attempt a field goal kick at any time to score 3 points. It's like a conversion kick, except the ball is held to the ground by a player (instead of placed on a tee or stand) and the other team is allowed to contest the kick and attempt to block it. The kicking team's players shield their kicker from the opposing player's block attempt. In this play, the orange team is attempting a field goal.

In 99.5% of cases, field goals have one of two outcomes: either the kick is successful, or the kick misses, sails off the field and the ball is declared dead, which would restart play from scrimmage with the other team in control. The latter is not a great outcome, but it's not terrible or unexpected.

In the remaining 0.05% of cases, the opposing team successfully blocks the kick, which is what happened here. When this happens, the ball is live. Usually this results in a dozen players dog-piling the ball, which makes it dead, as if the kick had missed and gone off-field. But in this case, the white team blocked the kick and the ball bounced right to a member of their team, and he was able to run it into the orange team's goal for a touchdown (like a try in rugby).

What makes this play particularly special is that it happened right as time was expiring. So the orange team was attempting a game-winning field goal, where in most cases the bad outcome would be a dead ball and the game going to overtime, but instead the single worst and least likely possible thing happened and the other team scored off their blocked kick on the final play of regulation to win the game.

It's one of the biggest "kicked in the dick" feelings possible in US football.



e: fixed; mistakenly thought this was overtime but it was actually end of regulation play.

beedeebee posted:

What happens in the remaining 0.45% of cases?

Machai posted:

Tom Brady gets another ring

Wall Balls posted:

social vegan posted:

Exposure time = 2 weeks

beedeebee posted:

What happens in the remaining 0.45% of cases?

Amethyst posted:

http://www.antipope.org/charlie/blog-static/2015/12/science-fictional-shibboleths.html

not a bad little article

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

ah, see, here's your problem. tap tap

you've got a load of good ideas here, and some verifiable fact, but see these little sarcastic rhetorical questions? the use of "hint" followed by a colon? that science-fetishy smell - you'd think it's just XKCD corrosion, think it'll wipe off with a damp cloth, but nah, you've got a full-fledged Stross going here.

real bastard to shift. i'll give you two fifty for it for parts, and that's because i like you

tumor looking batty posted:

title says it all. i can tell when a guy has just had sex

anne frank fanfic posted:

Cause he pulls out of your Butt Hole bitch !

WeaponGradeSadness posted:

Thread title: I can tell when a guy just had sex:

Ronald_Raygun posted:

If only you could also tell his name OP

WeaponGradeSadness posted:

Thread title: I can tell when a guy just had sex:

I need advice for this Russian chick that I had a weird situation with.. posted:

I start the new semester new people in class this Russian hottie comes we talk we exchange numbers ,I go to her house to get some programs that I needed for my new laptop after a week and we end up making out we din't hosed.
She shows me pictures of hers and things that you don't normaly show to people you don't care about emotionaly,also while we were making out she checked my pulse for heartbeat wich I found disturbing.


She comes on Saturday at my house I cook we watch movies on the couch and we end up loving,best sex in my life so far and she enjoyed it as well before sex though she told me that I feel like I am using you.

On sunday I wake up and I tell her the epic "Are we in a relationship?" phrase she says gently caress no but she acts like my girlfriend,I am confused.


Second week is a mix of flirt from her side and passive agressive behaviour from me cause I feel like I fell into a slut while I was in search for a relationship.

On sunday I go to her house to talk she tells me that she wants to be my friend,I tell her if you want friendship then no romance but she responds but saying "you never know"

Third week I was looking at her during the class and she was looking at me with glittering eyes,I think she likes me but I did something wrong and she wants me to prove to her eyes that I am good enough for her.
I don't push her and I try to be as friendly as I can but also don't treat her as a real friend cause I don't want to have her as a friend more like a girlfriend.

The whole week passed like this

On monday of last week I sent her an sms on her cellphone something like "I miss your eyes " she does not responds ,I see her at the afternoon cause we are in the same group for the university and we are friendly,she is bit flirty but that doesnt mean necessary its real flirt..
I go home confused and I talk on her online that I want her and I see her eyes that say that she wants me too,she responds something along "I don't see you that way don't immagine things and you make me feel confused if you want to talk about neutral subjects please do but not about that."
I got angry she tells me I dont understand why you are angry.
We meet the next day at the university she is weird I am angry but at night I send her an email that says that I am sorry for beign like this during the last weeks and I am ok with friendship.

Since then we haven't talked and I started flirting a girl that she doesnt like but she pretends to be her friend.

I think the situation is pretty much dead and I have been used by a slut,I don't want to make her pay but I don't want to feel that akward with her during this semester given that we work at the same group.

Should I go for the girl that she does not likes?I think she is a decent person and also how should I behave around the one I hosed I act like a buddy but I see that she feels akward and I feel akward too around her

down n out posted:

Booblord Zagats posted:

Andre the Giant Disappointment

Thin Privilege posted:

Was looking through old bookmarks, found this thing that kept me crying with laughter for a good 2 weeks, especially after someone suggested to read it in Skwisgaar Skwigelf's voice.

needs archives:

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3405371#post390560591

Henchman of Santa posted:

Does anyone have the STDH about being Regina Spektor's lover? That was a goon, right?

Soulex posted:

The Japanese make the best t shirts.

Case in point I bought this on Takeshita street.

Dabir posted:

It's 'case and point'.

Jabor posted:

The only thing worse than a pedant is a wrong pedant.

Dabir posted:

It's 'pendant'.

EightDeer posted:

*twitches*

Dabir posted:

It's 'hitboxes'.

Thin Privilege posted:

Was looking through old bookmarks, found this thing that kept me crying with laughter for a good 2 weeks, especially after someone suggested to read it in Skwisgaar Skwigelf's voice.

needs archives:

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3405371#post390560591

RandomFerret posted:

Thin Privilege posted:

Was looking through old bookmarks, found this thing that kept me crying with laughter for a good 2 weeks, especially after someone suggested to read it in Skwisgaar Skwigelf's voice.

needs archives:

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3405371#post390560591

Mongmonghi posted:

Ok long story short.. the ultra hot chick of a schoolmate of mine broke up with him after 7 years of relationship this summer(she is 24).
A month ago I heard about it by chance, but I did not gave much attention to it, given that I know she is unreachable.

One day on facebook we started talking for a stupid reason and the conversation went on so naturaly that we ended up flirting, this happened last Thursday.
After that day we spoke on a daily basis and the conversation would get very flirty but not sexual, it was more romantic and it made me feel like I had found a
soulmate. She proposed me to go out with her indirectly within this week on the last friday, but in the end on the last saturday, she could not resist and we went
out on a rushed first date, rushed cause we were both dead tired.


The date was okay, started bit akward cause I havent seen her for a long time, and I could tell flirting on fb had her in an, OH WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO NOW IN PERSON mood.. we got to know eachother better, some teases and after a while we went home ( since it was a last minute decision date and we were both dead tired )
when the date ended, she said lets meet again another time, dont know if she meant it or she was being kind but its irrelavent I think.

I sent her a sms after she left to check if she arrived home safe and she replied in a positive and kind way, that she did and she had fun.

Now we talk daily via chat, and she is quite friendly and some nights even flirty and romantic.Exchange our favourite intrests, sending romantic songs and films etc

I started falling for her cause I had her in mind for a long time..
like when I saw her I told myself oh she is so perfect, but she has a nice boyfriend and they are together a century ago.. so erase her from your mind mongmonghi, NOTHING will ever happen between the two of you.


Since 5th of December she started working at an expo as a model, and she is busy till 9th of December with work till 8pm all days.

I proposed her to see her again and she replied on Monday for a coffee.
I got a bit sad cause yesterday even if I was dead tired I wanted to see her, but she prefers to wait till Monday even if she can.

My main concerns are : I would like to go for a relationship with her cause so far she seems like my dreamgirl, and second is the coffee proposal a friendzone?

Or Its safe and its up to me to escape and do a decisive strike for it?If so what strategies you propose?

and thirdly I am making myself very available should I dissapear for a couple of days to see if she searches? but how much is too much and I risk to lose her?

I know I am overthinking, but I can't help it cause I lose sleep and think about it the whole time as you guessed from the whole topic.
Need your opinions people!

Mongmonghi posted:

Well in the end I made a rush move and told her, and then I realised that I did not felt anything that I convinced myself that I was.
It was just a reaction to my recent break up, that I had 1 4 days before I started talking to the " girl of my dreams".
I feel relief now that I finaly admited that to myself.

H.P. Hovercraft posted:

wayfinder posted:

are those the hot singles in my area

Mr Dog posted:

welp my dick just made like the dalai lama and went into hiding for 15 years

wayfinder posted:

be sure to stop it before it reappears inside a six year old boy

Notorious b.s.d. posted:

exchange rates are not a good way to compare wages

if you use purchasing power parity instead of the market exchange rate, £25k is more like $46k. as in, £25k will buy you the same amount of goods in the u.k. that you would need $46k to purchase in the u.s.

also, u.k. tax rates are much lower, and you don't have to pay for your own healthcare or retirement out of pocket. when you consider all of that, you actually do a lot better than the average american worker.

your u.k. pay:
+ £25,000 gross
- £2,880 income tax
- £2,032 national insurance
------------------
= £20,087 net wages ($36,571 PPP dollars)
total tax burden: £4912 ($7,452 PPP dollars)

a comparable american:
+ $45,600 gross
- $6,618 federal income tax
- $2,827 social security
- $661 medicare
- $2,132 state tax
- $1,344 local tax
- $2,238 7% of salary for 401(k) contributions (this is voluntary)
- $951 health insurance (this is non-government, but compulsory)
-------------------
= $28,796 ($28,796 PPP dollars, because the u.s. is the baseline)
total tax burden: $13582

when people say u.s. taxes on workers are low, they conveniently "forget" about the regressive taxes for social security and medicare, and the practically non-deductible state and local taxes.

(there's no use deducting them unless they are more than the standard deduction)