/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Nice C-SPAM av Pick :discourse:

# ? Feb 6, 2018 21:46

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# ? May 27, 2024 14:24

LadyPictureShow: Nov 18, 2005; Success!

Me [39 M] with my wife [43 F] 17 years together, she's not interested in keeping me happy, and I don't know whether to stay or go.

quote:

We have 2 kids (13 and 6). We're very compatible in lots of practical ways and are very comfortable with each other and our day to day lives. We've also become pretty wealthy together for our age and area we live, having a household net worth of nearly $2M.

About 4 years ago the passion and physical side of the relationship almost completely stopped (about the same time that our finances really started taking off), and she has completely let herself go, and is now quite obese. She seems to have no ambition in anything physical anymore - being physically attractive, fit, nor anything sexual. Previously (before about 4 years ago), she was energetic and a go-getter.

This is driving me insane, because I still have a normal sex drive and I of course would appreciate it if she took care of her physical appearance a lot more. At the same time, in the past 1-2 years multiple other women who do take care of their physical appearance have shown interest in me, and it's been quite tempting to leave my wife for one of them (I'm not interested in cheating).

Several things have stopped me leaving her however:

I do still love her, despite her not being interested in losing weight or keeping me physically happy. It's difficult to explain - we still care about each other a lot.

We are very compatible in so many other aspects of our lives, such as financial and practical.

Apart from the physical side of things, we have nearly the same long-term goals and plans about what we want to do as we get older, together.

The kids. I'd hate for them to be raised without their parents staying together. I'd also strongly prefer if my wife and I see our grand kids together.

Money. Assuming our wealth was split 50/50 in a divorce settlement, and I married someone else with average wealth in my area, my household net worth would be effectively reduced by about $900K. I like the thought of sex with physically attractive women a LOT, but it's not worth $900K to me.

Hope that she will change eventually if I wait long enough.

I've talked to her over and over again about my concerns over the past 4 years with varying approaches and nothing seems to work. Sometimes it backfires and she gets mad and defensive when I ask her to lose weight or watch what she eats more. I've told her how I feel, and I've even told her about the interest other women have shown, and she's told me to just go for it (leave her) if that's what I want. I've also pointed out all the times in our relationship when I have gladly changed and compromised for her, but that she doesn't seem interested in doing this for me now.

tl;dr: Should I stay and be forever physically unsatisfied, or should I go and lose a substantial amount of wealth and cause our kids' parents to not be together anymore, and probably end-up with someone I'm less compatible with? Any other options?

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:14

1st AD: Dec 3, 2004; Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu: sometimes passing just isn't an option.

lol that he'd sacrifice his happiness and sex life for 900k

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:16

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Did you know PRETTY women want to bang me you big fat bitch?

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:17

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

1st AD posted:

lol that he'd sacrifice his happiness and sex life for 900k

I can't fathom rich people, seriously

like, I can't imagine going "I'm not happy in this marriage, buuuuuuut if I get a divorce I'll have to live on only $900,000 per year, so I guess it's sexless limbo forever because I'm not a PEASANT"

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:19

Three Olives: Apr 10, 2005; Don't forget Hitler's contributions to medicine.

He isn't even really losing $900k because half that money is already hers.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:21

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

. I like the thought of sex with physically attractive women a LOT, but it's not worth $900K to me.

Then you better make peace with your slam whale, hoss

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:22

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Its net worth, not income, and its not that much for his age so going from an assured comfy retirement to an ok one plus single parenting sounds like an appropriate concern.

Granted if shes truly 40 and obese he might outlast her soon.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:23

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Just spray some e.coli around and she�ll poo poo off that weight in a few rounds.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:27

Khorne: May 1, 2002

Barudak posted:

Its net worth, not income, and its not that much for his age so going from an assured comfy retirement to an ok one plus single parenting sounds like an appropriate concern.

Granted if shes truly 40 and obese he might outlast her soon.

Nah, lots of obese people live into their mid 80s. It depends on luck and genes and stuff. There are lots of people on my mom's side of the family who lived to 84-88 despite smoking for 40 years and being real fat. And even then, they kinda died to alzheimers.

It sounds like his wife is real checked out and he's completely oblivious as to why. It also sounds like his wife might be oblivious about how she just kinda stopped caring about some real important parts of life. Creeping normality is a thing, and if I were on reddit giving advice I'd say the actual correct approach isn't to focus on your weiner but instead on trying to get your wife to realize something in her life is dragging her down. It could be an undiagnosed physical problem, it could be the reality of having kids which doesn't jive well for everyone, it could be her husband is a weenie, it could be she just isn't that interested in him or the life they've chosen. I know I personally have no tolerance for the 'we make about the same amount of money every year and never try to expand' lifestyle. It seems penny wise and pound foolish to me unless you really, really love your jobs and lifestyle.

I also wouldn't care about losing 50% of my networth in a divorce unless it involved non-repeatable windfalls that my partner had no part in, but that really doesn't sound like the case.

Khorne fucked around with this message at 22:35 on Feb 6, 2018

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:27

Demon Of The Fall: May 1, 2004; Nap Ghost

fat and rich sound like a good combo for a woman, imo. I'll take her OP

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:28

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

I think the lede is being buried here a little because he's making a big deal out of the fact she refuses to stop gaining weight but she also doesn't want to gently caress anymore

(these two facts may be related)

so, like, it's not just "waaa my wife is fat now," they also have a sexless marriage

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:29

Kuros: Sep 13, 2010; Oh look, the consequences of my prior actions are finally catching up to me.

From /r/legaladvice, here's something on a lighter note.

My ex husband wants dog support. Florida.

quote:

Divorced in Florida. We have two kids.He was ordered to pay child support. He bought a dog about 2 years ago while we were still married but just about to separate. He didn't ask for it in the initial divorce but recently sent me a (not from a lawyer) letter about opening a case for "petimony". I didn't want the dog. I didn't agree to the dog. He just brought the dog home and was like "look kids, a dog". He is currently unemployed and is "finding it hard to keep up with child support payment and caring for the needs of a pet".

I googled it and apparently it is a real thing but it looks like more for people who have established and long relationships with pets and not just when one person unilaterally decides to bring home a really big loving dog one day so the kids will forget that he often forgets to pick them up from school on time. Most people would just buy them an xbox or whatever but fine.

Could it a REAL thing in this case?

The dog lives with him. The kids don't really like the dog because they are small and it is very large. It makes one of them cry so it never comes to this house. The littlest one won't even stay the night over at his dad's because he dislikes the dog. The other one is kind of "meh" about the dog. He would have rather had an xbox. I have never supported the dog. I have never bought anything for the dog. His name is on the adoption papers from the pound. Not mine. I wouldn't let it in the house while he still lived there. After that it went to a friends for a while and just recently settled into his house again in the last 7 months.

As an aside, I've been struggle with the youngest one not wanting to go to his dad's because of that big, untrained dog. He genuinely seems frightened of the dog and hasn't been to his dad's in about 6 months. If I have to go to court over this, could I bring that up at all or that a completely separate issue?

(yes, I asked him to get rid of the dog. He won't. Says it is "an angel".)

Edit: I want to add that he did use joint funds from our joint bank account to buy initial things for the dog and to pay the adoption and vet fees. He didn't tell me about it until after.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:29

LadyPictureShow: Nov 18, 2005; Success!

Khorne posted:

Nah, lots of obese people live into their mid 80s. It depends on luck and genes and stuff. There are lots of people on my mom's side of the family who lived to 84-88 despite smoking for 40 years. And even then, they kinda died to alzheimers.

It sounds like his wife is real checked out and he's completely oblivious as to why. It also sounds like his wife might be oblivious about how she just kinda stopped caring about some real important parts of life. Creeping normality is a thing, and if I were on reddit giving advice I'd say the actual correct approach isn't to focus on your weiner but instead on trying to get your wife to realize something in her life is dragging her down. It could be an undiagnosed physical problem, it could be the reality of having kids which doesn't jive well for everyone, it could be her husband is a weenie, it could be just isn't that interested in him or the life they've chosen (the 'we make a set amount of money and never try to increase our earnings despite minding our nickels and dimes' aka 'penny wise and pound foolish').

There�s a reddit poster that has dilemma solved!

quote:

Start having sex with other women, escorts even. You shouldn't have to pay million dollars because she's let herself go. Stop paying attention to her and just focus on yourself and your kids. See how that feels for a while, then consider divorce again.

Escorts are awesome and you get plenty of variety, without the draining bullshit of dating. PM me if you want more info.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:34

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Heavy wife needs therapy, husband needs to do more squats

Kuros posted:

From /r/legaladvice, here's something on a lighter note.

My ex husband wants dog support. Florida.

I dont know why shes focused on petimony as much as �reason for husband to lose visitation privileges� but I dont get people.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:34

bird with big dick: Oct 21, 2015

Smirking_Serpent posted:

Introducing my [18F] new online boyfriend [29M] to my very protective Asian parents.

Hey guys! I've been talking to this guy for a couple of weeks I met on Reddit. He's honestly the sweetest, smartest, most attractive guy to me (hey u/beachsidebotany
) and we have a lot of uncanny similarities and life struggles. We talk on Snapchat, call each other, and I recently opened a new Facebook to connect with him.

We discuss and update each other on our mental illness and recovery. This relationship had honestly made me super happy and fulfilled, and we haven't even met in real life. Even my parents and psychiatrist noticed my mood shift positively.

The problem is, if we plan on dating in real life, I would obviously need to introduce him to my parents or at least tell my parents about him honestly. I am still living under my parents' roof for another year or so.

My parents are also extremely protective of me as I am a female, their first child, and have had mental illness struggles (anxiety, depression, BDD).

Here are several issues regarding coming out with our relationship:

He's a former drug addict: My parents have a pretty conservative opinion when it comes to drugs. I come from a relatively strict Asian family. He is 3 yrs clean, but my mother recently came across his Facebook profile which states he did cocaine... Plus him having tattoos and piercings won't help.

He's significantly older than me: Not too big of a big deal for my family. My mom dated a man 8 years older as a junior in high school, and she's pretty open to that.

We met on the internet.: Pretty taboo for my family still. They saw his Facebook profile when they came across my new profile, and they wanted me to unfriend this random guy immediately (without even knowing he's my bf) due to references of past drug addiction.

Thank you for the help. It means the world to us, and I'd do anything for us to be in a healthy relationship together, and for my family to at least accept this relationship one day.

TL;DR: My new online boyfriend is the sweetest guy, but I don't think my parents would approve of him due to his former drug addiction, way we met, and his overall image.

edit:

this is why you use a throwaway:

How do I (29m) go about introducing myself to my (20f) GFs parents?

quote:

so long story short (hopefully short) I've been talking to this girl for a while, she still lives w her parents and they recently found out snit about me avid and ran a basic background check. I got into a lot of trouble between the ages of 18-21 and got some charges, all for minor stuff, all the charges were dropped but the arrests all still show up. Needless to say GFs mom is (understandably) a bit sketched out. I've made lots of changes in the last 8 years, im 3 years continuously clean and have had 6 years of sobriety over the past 8, im also going to be starting work on my LMHC certification (licensed mental health counselor) and currently work at a drug rehab helping other addicts get clean. I get along w GF better than anyone i have ever met and really want her parents to like me. What should i do?

e: these are the same people but the dude lied about her age.

bird with big dick fucked around with this message at 22:54 on Feb 6, 2018

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:35

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Barudak posted:

Heavy wife needs therapy, husband needs to do more squats

Yeah she sounds severely depressed honestly

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:36

Moridin920: Nov 15, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

I feel bad for that dog.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:37

LadyPictureShow: Nov 18, 2005; Success!

Barudak posted:

Heavy wife needs therapy, husband needs to do more squats

�I�ve mentioned several times about the thinner women I could easily be banging; I don�t understand why she�s not doing anything to help herself?!�

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:44

LethalGeek: Nov 4, 2009

LadyPictureShow posted:

There's a reddit poster that has dilemma solved!

OP is totally going to divorce or cheat on his wife long term anyway, dude is too much a chickenshit to go "hey wife why have you turned into a sack of crap?". Not that the typical reddiot is showing any sort of class going hey just go bang hookers and start being a jerk to her.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:44

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Al Borland Corp. posted:

I don't think Mormons have a practice of shunning people anymore. They're all about being friendly and luring you in with low pressure to slowly indoctrinate you, and if you leave are like "Just key us know if there's anything we can do for you, you're always welcome here"

It�s like the Church of England, with about the same number of wives.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:44

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

loquacius posted:

I think the lede is being buried here a little because he's making a big deal out of the fact she refuses to stop gaining weight but she also doesn't want to gently caress anymore

(these two facts may be related)

so, like, it's not just "waaa my wife is fat now," they also have a sexless marriage

I feel like his approach to fixing that issue probably contributed to it being worse. Like from what he wrote he's basically telling her to stop being a fatty and bringing up other hot chicks he could be banging instead. That's a good way to make her depressed and not want to gently caress him.

Like there's no silver bullet to getting a partner to take better care of themselves but the bare minimum would be a more tactful approach, start eating more healthy together, start being more active together, like losing weight wouldn't even require hitting the gym they could just adjust their diet as a family and make an effort to go on walks together more often, their kids aren't babies anymore they could easily just spend more time in the park or walking around their neighborhood/etc. Whatever triggered her letting herself go could be (probably is) also mental, sounds like they could easily afford some sort of counseling yet he doesn't really mention them exploring that option at all.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:46

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

LadyPictureShow posted:

�I�ve mentioned several times about the thinner women I could easily be banging; I don�t understand why she�s not doing anything to help herself?!�

I know your libido is down, but mine is not, I want to gently caress. but not you. you are gross. I hope this motivates u

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:49

Barudak: May 7, 2007

The guy is trawling for a oneway open relationship, hoping this situation will be why hes allowed to, hes not really interested in continuing to gently caress this lady.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:52

Beachcomber: May 21, 2007; Another day in paradise.; Slippery Tilde

Open the jar of Nutella

_{and the relationship}

# ? Feb 6, 2018 22:59

Moridin920: Nov 15, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

ArbitraryC posted:

I feel like his approach to fixing that issue probably contributed to it being worse. Like from what he wrote he's basically telling her to stop being a fatty and bringing up other hot chicks he could be banging instead. That's a good way to make her depressed and not want to gently caress him.

Like there's no silver bullet to getting a partner to take better care of themselves but the bare minimum would be a more tactful approach, start eating more healthy together, start being more active together, like losing weight wouldn't even require hitting the gym they could just adjust their diet as a family and make an effort to go on walks together more often, their kids aren't babies anymore they could easily just spend more time in the park or walking around their neighborhood/etc. Whatever triggered her letting herself go could be (probably is) also mental, sounds like they could easily afford some sort of counseling yet he doesn't really mention them exploring that option at all.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:00

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Beachcomber posted:

Open the jar of Nutella

_{and the relationship}

I dont see how this is unfair, theyre both gonna nut.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:00

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

I wonder if these idiots ever saw a picture of David Rockefellers wife. Marry for love and don�t give a poo poo about the other stuff. She clearly owned and made him v happy

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:02

Arturia: Jan 24, 2017; Can't stop clicking circles

Pick posted:

I wonder if these idiots ever saw a picture of David Rockefellers wife. Marry for love and don’t give a poo poo about the other stuff. She clearly owned and made him v happy

Physical attractiveness isn't a thing. - Pick

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:04

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Chaosfirev posted:

Physical attractiveness isn't a thing. - Pick

You are fighting with the wrong person on this one buddy

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:06

Moridin920: Nov 15, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

Well it sounds like he still wants to gently caress her though so it's not like he isn't attracted at all anymore.

It's normal to have a sex drive. Going from regular sex to 0 sex in a marriage isn't just 'welp no worries I guess.' Unfortunately we are fleshy biological beings that need some sexual contact for our happiness and well being.

Also, while probably done in a stupid way, he is expressing his dissatisfaction and the fact that she apparently just doesn't give a poo poo is a problem also. He rightfully points out previous times where he compromised and did things for her and is confused as to the lack of effort on her part to make him happy.

They sound like they need some couples therapy or something at least. Hoping she'll just 'get better' isn't gonna do poo poo but breed resentment.

Moridin920 fucked around with this message at 23:11 on Feb 6, 2018

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:08

YeahTubaMike: Mar 24, 2005; *hic* Gotta finish thish . . .; Doctor Rope

david rockefeller's wife looked completely normal, so i'm confused

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:08

loquacius: Oct 21, 2008

Yeah guys the spark has gone out of their marriage, he's not dumb for questioning if he wants to stay in it

He should probably try to get his wife in counseling first though bc I maintain that the issue seems to be that she's depressed as hell

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:10

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

veiled boner fuel posted:

e: these are the same people but the dude lied about her age.

Maybe she had a birthday and he remembered it because he is a good boyfriend!

LadyPictureShow posted:

There�s a reddit poster that has dilemma solved!

Why do people who gently caress escorts think anyone knows or wants to know?

Reminds me of a guy who spent a month putting up fliers around my old neighborhood with an escort (or possibly an ex's) picture to notify everyone that "this escort stole my wallet." Cool, thanks for the heads up guy who hires escorts.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:11

Arturia: Jan 24, 2017; Can't stop clicking circles

loquacius posted:

Yeah guys the spark has gone out of their marriage, he's not dumb for questioning if he wants to stay in it

He should probably try to get his wife in counseling first though bc I maintain that the issue seems to be that she's depressed as hell

Agreed, I don't know why he thought telling her that other attractive women were interested in him was in any way appropriate.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:11

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

YeahTubaMike posted:

david rockefeller's wife looked completely normal, so i'm confused

Yeah a normal person, and he never traded her in.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:12

1st AD: Dec 3, 2004; Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu: sometimes passing just isn't an option.

Pick posted:

I know your libido is down, but mine is not, I want to gently caress. but not you. you are gross. I hope this motivates u

incompatibilities between partners' sex drives is a big deal imo

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:12

CheesyDog: Jul 4, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

Pick posted:

I wonder if these idiots ever saw a picture of David Rockefellers wife. Marry for love and don�t give a poo poo about the other stuff. She clearly owned and made him v happy

I'm googling a just see a skinny white lady who eventually got old?

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:13

Runcible Cat: May 28, 2007; Ignoring this post

Moridin920 posted:

Well it sounds like he still wants to gently caress her though so it's not like he isn't attracted at all anymore.

It's normal to have a sex drive. Going from regular sex to 0 sex in a marriage isn't just 'welp no worries I guess.' Unfortunately we are fleshy biological beings that need some sexual contact for our happiness and well being.

Also, while probably done in a stupid way, he is expressing his dissatisfaction and the fact that she apparently just doesn't give a poo poo is a problem also. He rightfully points out previous times where he compromised and did things for her and is confused as to the lack of effort on her part to make him happy.

They sound like they need some couples therapy or something at least. Hoping she'll just 'get better' isn't gonna do poo poo but breed resentment.

Comedy option, she's perfectly happy with not loving and eating blue cheese dressing by the bucket, and when he brings up these hot women who wants to gently caress him she's actually saying go for it, I'm happy to open up the relationship rather than go for it divorce me.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:14

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# ? May 27, 2024 14:24

Arturia: Jan 24, 2017; Can't stop clicking circles

Pick posted:

Yeah a normal person, and he never traded her in.

There's a difference between "not smoking hot" and "unattractive."

I get what your saying and we don't have pics, so it's possible that this guy is freaking out over his wife gaining just a little weight.

However, if I were in a relationship with someone then after a year gained 100 lbs, I would expect a talk.

# ? Feb 6, 2018 23:21

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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