EorayMel posted:

E: I'm also laughing too loving hard at this:

Absurd Alhazred posted:

BOOTY-ADE posted:

Suddenly there came a beaking
Then a sound, a sound like creaking
The creaking of a wooden door
"A contented raven, nothing more"

sweet thursday posted:

RECENTLY OBTIMIZE FOR YOUR BLACKBERRY mOBILE VIEWING EXPERIENCED

theflyingorc posted:

anybody have the Laika story with "mankind's greatest achievement at that point"

quote:

irl something shor ted on the shuttle and laika overheated and died within a few hours of liftoff and for a brief while one could look up to the stars and see a light shooting across the sky that was actually a warm dog corpse slingshoting about the earth at thousands of miles per hour which was arguably humanity's greatest achievement so far

quote:

the dog was certainly scared as hell and probably making GBS threads + pissing during launch so it was a dog corpse covered in fecal matter

quote:

the dog that got cooked to death in space is memorialized with a statue in moscow, commemorating the millions of dollars and man hours used to murder a stray dog in an elaborate way

quote:

after laika the russians killed two more dogs in space by blowing them up with remote explosive charges, lol

quote:

i hope i'm alive the next time we as a species collectively dedicate that much effort and manpower and technological innovation towards executing an animal, maybe like dunking a sheep into a black hole or something

CzarChasm posted:

Another request please, the series of stories about a tough guy, going through his day and roundhouse kicking the poo poo out of people that mildly annoy him. It usually contains the phrase "That did it" and some pithy one liner.

freeedr posted:

The post above is referring to mjq jazz bar

mjq jazz bar posted:

So, I bought a couple of dvds off some web site a few weeks ago and I was pretty upset they haven't come in the mail already. So today I stuck around the house until the mailman came, he brought me a package but it wasn't the dvds I was waiting for. I asked him what the problem was and he told me that he had no control over when the company sends me the dvds. He said I should try to contact them. That did it. I couldn't belive this guy, I pay my taxes and this guy thinks he has the right to sass me in front of my euro mansion, in my freaking driveway? I lifted up my shades, took the cigar out of my mouth, looked him straight in the eye and said " I'm afraid this package is marked return to sender", and then I threw the package in the air and sidekicked the package right into the guys face causing teeth to go everywhere. I then saw one of my ederly neighbors walking toward me so I assumed he wanted trouble as well so I gave him a swift round kick to the ribs, I then looked at him and said "time to take out the garbage" and hip tossed him into the garbage can. I then picked up the crying mailman and threw him into the garbage can, after I had my "garbage collected", I picked up the garbage can and said "let the good times roll" and threw the garbage can down the hill. I didn't see those two guys again but I don't really care, I took the mailbag and threw it in my fireplace since it was a little chilly here today.

mjq jazz bar posted:

I came home this afternoon after picking up my copy of gta and I smelled something funny from my neighbors house. I went over there and the door was unlocked so I went right in. Sure enough there was my neighbor and two of his friends smoking to their hearts content. I told them they had two options, one- they could put the joints out or two- I would put the joints out for them. My neighbor had run ins with me before so he knew I meant business so he threw his joint down and told me to leave. I said you made a wise choice but I'm still calling the cops and then I turned to leave. My neighbor then got up off the couch got behind me and said a few cuss words and told me to mind my business. Well that did it. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said "lets get high". I then front kicked him a good 8 feet in the air. Then his other friend came at me with the bong, I grabbed his arm, snapped it and then hit him in the stomach with the bong. His other friend ran into the kitchen so I went after him. He was in the corner crying so I said "this is your brain" and then I grabbed a frying pan and said "this is your brain on drugs" and then I hit him in the head as hard as I could with the frying pan. After that I called the cops and they came over and arrested my neighbor and his friends. As I was leaving the sarge shouted out to me thanks. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said " well you know sarge, perhaps if we build a freaking dunkin doughnuts on this street it would give you guys a excuse to ride up here once or twice a week and keep the crime down. I then threw my shades on the ground to let him know I meant business. I feel pretty good about what I did for my neighborhood today. ~mjq jazz bar

mjq jazz bar posted:

So, I was at work yesterday, and I happened to walk by this guy's desk. I noticed on his computer screen that he had his personal E-mails pulled up. I asked him who he thought he was to do this on company time, and then, he told me that his daughter was sick at home, so he was checking up on her. I then punched his cimputer screen out, and Look him straight in the eye and said, " Who do you think I am? Jerry Lewis? I dont want to hear your sob story, so get back to work before I get you fired." He then said a few cusswords, and then, then He tried to punch me, I blocked it, then , I gave him a swift, round kick to the groin. I asked him if he wanted some more, and he came at me, again, so, I slapped him, then I hip tossed him into the nearest filing cabinent. I looked Over my should at anther worker who was standing near by, and I said...." File him under G..... for garbage." Needless to say, I was quite pleased, because now, that means there one less person in the company for people to look at. All eyes should be on me. I'm a stud. ~ mjq jazz bar

mjq jazz bar posted:

Well, I walk in to buy some tissues, and at the counter, I hear the manager talking about some skateboard punks in the back by the garbage bins. The guy said he was about to have to call the cops. I told him there's no need to, I'll take care of it myself. So, I walked to the back of the store, and lo and behold, a couple of good for nothings were tearing the place up. A couple of them asked me what I was doing here, so I took of my shades, looked them straight in eye, and said, " Well boys, I'm here to take out the trash, then I grabed one of their skateboards, and broke it over my knee. Then, one of them threw a punch at me. I caught it, and looked thr punk straight in the eye, and said " I'm afraid theres no need for you to be recycled, then I threw him straight over my head into one of the garbage dumpsters. Then, the rest of the kids ran away in fear. I was glad I could help my community, and look good doing it. ~mjq jazz bar

mjq jazz bar posted:

Around the corner from my weight training job they have a cafe where they make pretty good cheeseburgers. Usually I get mine with mushrooms and onions. Well today I went in there and there was this stoner bitch in there with enormous dreadlocks and a nose ring which is a violation of the safety code. I said 'Where is the regular chef' and she said 'I don't know' very rudely to me and that's when I noticed she had not sauteed up any onions for my burger. I said "you need to learn some customer service" and then she said some cuss words to me and told me maybe I should go to Burger King. But I like to support local businesses so I looked her straight in the eye and said "the customer is always right" and grabbed her by the dreads and slammed her face onto the skillet. She screamed and then the manager came running at me with a chopping knife so I looked him straight in the eye and said "chop this" and karate chopped his wrist and broke it immediately. I picked the girl up off of the floor and said "you are what you eat" and poured the boiling grease off of the fryer into her mouth. I was glad that I could set an example of what a good citizen should do in this situation, and everyone in the cafe applauded me. ~mjq jazz bar

mjq jazz bar posted:

Me and my friend went to fill up my corvette last night and there were these two punks there sitting on the sidewalk of the gas station with their radio blasting. I was trying to think as I pumped gas but their radio made that hard to do. I was not pleased. So I went in and payed for the gas and then I went up to the two punks outside. I said excuse me but I think you need to turn your radio down. They told me to chill, they were just hanging out and having a few smokes. I then looked them in the eye and said " I'm afraid this is the no smoking section boys" and then I kicked their radio up against the side of the gas station. Then one of them stood up and took a swing at me, I ducked it and then gave him a round kick to the stomach. Then the other one took what was left of the radio and threw it at me, I blocked it with my left hand which caused it to go sailing back and knock him out. Then a middle aged man which looked to be in his 50's came up and asked what was going on. I wasn't sure if he was with me or against me so I assumed he was against me, I then gave him a swift front kick to the groin and hip tossed him on top of the other guys there. I then walked back to my car where my friend just stood there in awe, I asked him why he didn't help me and he said it looked like I had things under control. I slapped him and pushed him to the ground and told him to walk home. I then got in my corvette turned up the radio to full blast and much to my suprise welcome to the jungle was playing. I then sped off with that song playing full blast. I felt pretty good about standing up for my rights and I looked good doing it. ~mjq jazz bar

mjq jazz bar posted:

It was a nice day today so I went for a walk out side. As I was walking, I heard somebody crying out in pain so I went to investigate, when I turned the corner I saw a kid that had fallen off his bike and he was grabbing his leg and crying. There was this guy already there and he told me that he was a doctor and he thought this kid had a broken leg. I could tell this guy was lying because he didn't have any white coat, I don't like liars so I pushed him out of the way. My training in medical school showed me that I had to get the kid's leg straight again, so I started pounding his knee to get the bone straight again. Thats when the guy that claimed to be a "doctor" called me a moron and pushed me out of the way. Well that did it. I got up, took my shades off, looked him straight in the eye and said " open wide doc" and then I gave him a swift kick to the mouth. I then grabbed him and said "time to make a house call " and then I threw him through a window of a near by house. The kid stopped crying then, I guess my pounding earlier worked. I told the kid not to thank me but I did need 20 dollars for my time. He only had 14 so I took his bike as well. I feel pretty good about fixing the kid's leg. ~mjw jazz bar

mjq jazz bar posted:

So I was sitting in the back corner of eat ‘n park a restaurant in the northeastern region and I hear this group of punk kids terrorizing their waitress, and I stumble over there and ask the beautiful lady what the problem seems to be. The kids being the adept punks they are give her a glare that tells her not to talk or else therell be problems but I know better than this and I tell them that if they don’t apologize to this beautiful belle theyre going to have to answer to me. I pull my shades out of my back pocket, slip a comb through my wet hair, and tell them they have 10 seconds to apologize. The leader of the gang a chubby kid tells me to get loss and then throws the peg game on his table at my face. “I pegged you as the wise sort, and I don’t play games!” says I, and I grab a tonfa from the cop sitting at the table next to them and tell them today’s special, punks served sunny side up, with a side of hollandaise. I crack the tonfa over two punk heads, do a roundkick, and then hiptoss the runt of the crew into the pie fridge. “Creamed or Key Limed? ” I ask the cop as he slips me a fiver and gives me a back high five. He tells me Ive done a good job as a citizen, and I kiss the beautiful waitress on the cheek, run my comb through my hair once more and leave the restaurant on my harley. ~mjq jazz bar

mjq jazz bar posted:

I was in town with one of my girlfriends today, and I decided to play one of those scratch off games again, I was very suprised when I won 1 million dollars on the spot, this was like the second time I won the lottery. I was about to claim my prize but then I thought to myself I'm already rich why not have some fun with this one? I told my girlfriend I was tired of her already so I left her at the gas station and went to find me some poor suckers. What better place than wal mart? I went up and down the asles until I found a bad dressed man and wife along with their kid. I went up to the guy and showed the guy the ticket, and told him since I didnt need the money I was going to give it to him and his family, when he started to tear up I tore up the ticket and threw the pieces on the ground. I then started to walk away but this spinless punk then took a swing at me when my back was turned. That did it. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said "feeling lucky". I then gave him a swift kick in the ribs and threw him into the pet section, I then caught a wal mart guy coming at me so I took a knife out of my jacket and threw it toward a chain holding up a sign, I then looked at the guy and said "watch out for falling prices" and then the sign fell on him and knocked him out. I left the store but not before I complained to the manager about the kind of people they let in there. ~mjq jazz bar

Pinecone Sample posted:

One time a crazy cat lady was shoveling all kinds of tissues and filth out of her car, just littering in a grocery store parking lot, and I decided to yell really loudly, "you're disgusting, ma'am, you don't belong in society, you cretin" for some reason, I must have been in a bad mood about something

She came at me to grab me, but I guess I made a scene and the grocery store manager was out there and grappled with her so I just left

Gargamel Gibson posted:

Yeah but why does pussy taste like coins?

gleebster posted:

Because women's clothing often lacks pockets.

Syd Midnight posted:

I dunno if it was a 1-thread joke or a running gimmick but they were incredible

Chuck Buried Treasure posted:

Please tell me that someone else remembers the time that these were quoted in a thread and someone somehow managed not to get that they were jokes and responded to the weed one with the lovely cheap PYF sarcasm like “oh yeah, those guys totally deserved violence for smoking weed in their own place, that’s really a horrible crime ” and can quote it here

Bertrand Hustle posted:

Does anybody have the "my n*gga Dancehall" quotes? I only remember "itch that is the rudest thing you could do" and "why you name me this way chef mom?"

Picnic Princess posted:

I actually do quite frequently, it's the only way to go! I've had a few come up pretty close but none coming to check us out so far.

It also led to the best/worst whale breach photo I ever took. We were anticipating one coming up for a breach and I had my camera ready and just as it happened these other fuckers cut right in between us. Pricks.

Solice Kirsk posted:

Don't worry, I got you:

Tab posted:

Well I am prettu fkced up me and my sister we went drinking toniteght a nd i jad a lot to loving drink and whaever i got iny my pops ocompuiter and i can an swer your qeustions id ont' fuckiug care so tell me hwatever bcuz nothing can undo the poo poo tha already happened and i'm just happy he got to see nme be a normalproductibe member osf society.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

Big Beef City posted:

They are when you make them from home churned Szechuan pepper ice cream and use a baguette you've made yourself like I do.
The cilantro jelly I make to add to them is just a bonus.
It's the ultimate in goon food prep.
I call it the "ban me"

Powershift posted:

Oompa loompa doopty dunion, you will be fired if you vote for a union.
Oompa loompa doublety dome, if you get injured say it happened at home.

Willfrey posted:

What do you get when you file a claim?

A saftey manager will deftly exclaim:

What were you doing standing right there?

Our 100-page handbook is perfectly clear!

MaybeWeShouldFireYou

Mr. Sunshine posted:

chitoryu12 posted:

What amazes me is just how fast it goes to poo poo. Like [Jacob Wohl] barely makes it 24 hours with any of his bullshit now before getting caught. If he tried to make an assassination attempt he would end up somehow hanging from a flagpole by his underwear in front of a bunch of nuns before even loading the rifle.

Lysistrata posted:

I'm the graven-in-stone misplaced comma in the paraphrased quote from child-rapist MZB's magnum opus, The Mists of Avalon.

E: how do you eat the rich when they're so goddamn tasteless

Bertrand Hustle posted:

Does anybody have the "my n*gga Dancehall" quotes? I only remember "itch that is the rudest thing you could do" and "why you name me this way chef mom?"

quote:

Oh word I was talking to my homie Dancehall in South Bronx, heard this nigga MC at a party last weekend, burned it down, naturally, but kid was selling CDs out of his trunk, and when Dancehall looked to see what his name was, he blacked out and had an intense memory of being hungry as a child in a cold schoolbus while wearing wool shirts??? Nigga snapped out of it and the MC was standing above him, saying “yeah sorry dude, my name be that specific memory” I heard he sent his demo to Sony and everyone was just crying and poo poo when they tried to read the label. Secretary got a really bad rash and had to go to a hospital in Denver

quote:

Another time me and Dancehall was smokin at he place in Brooklyn and talking about some underground rap poo poo, I said man take me to the newest cats you heard of, the rawest street poo poo only. Dancehall get real quiet and take out a small celly, like looked like a baby cell phone or something, poo poo was tiny. He open it up and it just had one button, button had no number on it? He press it and instead of saying anything into he just held up some black and white photograph of a dog to the mouthpiece and lit it on fire, didn’t say nothing. I was much lifted from the w33d and thought he was loving with me because thats how Dancehall be sometimes when he high, but like 1 minute later someone beeping outside, don’t sound like no normal horn, its hard to describe u know? Like niggas was beeping and this scar I had on my knee from when I was short and ran into a coffee table started itching and I went to scratch it and Dancehall just looked at me like “No nigga, don’t itch that. Itch that is the rudest thing you could do.” And we went outside and the car was a Escalade sitting on like 24s also, pretty intimidating to get into a devil hell Escalade when you high, but Dancehall wasnt afraid. Driver was on some secret service poo poo, didn’t smile, didn’t even look at us, we just got in and buckled up. We ended up at this underground garage somewhere in deep Queens, like driving down floor after floor while we just got higher and higher. And then suddenly, there we were, bottom floor, all dark except for the glowing illuminesence of a crowd of niggas checking they Sidekicks and droids, no service because were underground but they still checkin, and a lone spotlight on this dude, real short cat, like 5 feet, wearin all red. Someone had a drum kit, real small, started giving him the most basic beats, and nigga started spitting, but they weren’t rhymes. Nigga was spitting anticipation of different events, right? Like all of a sudden, I got real nervous about Easter, started thinking about how I had a bunch of candy and poo poo to buy, right? Then next I was dreading my 40th birthday. I turn to dancehall and I’m “Nigga I’m only 28!!!! Who is this cat and how he spit anticipation of 12 years from now, thats like some 2021 poo poo???????” and Dancehall was ‘man, nicca name is some awful poo poo, his moms was a chef at an unpopular but profitable resturant and his dad I heard was a vet who was in the bomb squad and come back with PTSD, so they named him the collective nervousness of a group of people reluctantly waiting to eat. When nigga walks past a Taco Bell, its like a whole crowd of people chanting he name, sultry seduction of crowds of girls waving they titties, smearing them with fire sauce. Drives him crazy like a wolf, make the nicca hornie as hell devil, got arrested last week for putting he mystery weener in one of those new black tacos, found him crying in the bathroom covered in cinnamon, crying, screaming “why u name me this way, chef mom” and I said “no way can a nigga be named that, how they put that on he birth certificate” and it turn out he was born at a Jewish hospital!!! I was like “nigga u cold” and thats why I dont eat tacos no more

Papa Emeritus III posted:

This is from forever ago but I am slowly catching up and this post(along with a few others regarding the twin flame topic) made me choke on my coffee as I read it.

No lie, this one chick I was locked up with kept pacing the rec yard in jail, yelling "Twin flame!" as she circled the small area. The women's rec was on the 4th floor of the jail, and the men were above on the 5th. She was trying to call out to her boyfriend, apparently. She would even write "twin flames" on everything she owned. She even showed me a little story her boyfriend wrote called "twin flame" which was a fanfic of her and him going on a crime spree before being shot to death by the police.

When I read the paper, I did a double take on her boyfriends name. I went to high school with the guy. Small world. Turns out, they were both locked up for stealing lawn mowers and selling them to secondhand small engine shops to get drug money.

When I was sentenced and sent off to state prison, I saw her in the hall and she still had Twin Flames written on her jail uniform pants. Last I heard, they were going to a treatment facility to get clean and were awaiting a pick up date. If it weren't for the age difference, I would have been convinced by the writing style that she posted on reddit.

That made my morning, lol.

wheatpuppy posted:

I don't remember where they originated.

EorayMel posted:

Tab posted:

Well I am prettu fkced up me and my sister we went drinking toniteght a nd i jad a lot to loving drink and whaever i got iny my pops ocompuiter and i can an swer your qeustions id ont' fuckiug care so tell me hwatever bcuz nothing can undo the poo poo tha already happened and i'm just happy he got to see nme be a normalproductibe member osf society.

and i was bein a bad bitch okey so i got into the back of this pickup truck and got off and went t his way to where they were all parked and this girl who was supposed to be in the car with him and wasnt, he was with the dude next to me and we was like. hey can u c yi a b b c a and go get her now? and at he said no. and she cuz we like this, he was like okay. so i walk him back to the cab and he was like he should have just left. i'll be sure ta tell you i mntrre, you wuz a dork in a nice hat i swear. i luv you, i luv hu.

I like him so much tbh I just wana give him a chance and when it comes to my sister i just wanna let her find out more about me but i was wondering u could help me a little bit with getting that message i saw on his screen today. I love him so much that i am so sure that he really is the person that i am telling him i want to be a part of his family and i cant wait to have us hang out togethre at his house. I'm not sure how much time he has but that's ok because i love his family so much.

you may e-mail me at:

my name is me and i live out in the desert with my mom and i work in a shoe company. i am 30, white, have long legs, blue eyes, and fair skin. i love making people laugh, writing poetry, eating, and listening to music.

Syd Midnight posted:

ok I was instantly and powerfully compelled to submit this to the newly-upgraded GPT-2 774M neural net and:

Duodecimal posted:

What is the thread for this? Don't want to get this one overwhelmed.

Kennel posted:

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3889267

Thirteen Orphans posted:

My old chaplain HATES when people say Aquinas was super heavy. He's convinced it's some kind of anti-Catholic rumor that stuck.

Mr Enderby posted:

Deep in the Protestant Headquarters, the Head Protestant sits on a plastic stool, wearing ugly polyester vestments. Cringing Lackey approaches.

Cringing Lackey: Your Reformedness, I have bad news. The Catholics are growing ever stronger. How will we ever convince people to stop doing good works, as is the cornerstone of our belief system.

Head Protestant: Don't worry, I have a plan that will strike at the heart of the Papists. I'll tell people that the famous Roman Catholic Thomas Aquinas, who as everyone knows we Protestants hate and fear for his orthodox theology, was all fat and gross.

CL: But Your Supreme Anti-Liturgicalness, it is well known that Aquinas was super buff and swole.

HP: It is true that he was super buff and swole, and also ripped, but we'll tell people he was a fat nerd. Because, and I really can't stress this enough, all Protestants hate Aquinas for some reason.

CL: Brilliant your Iconoclasticness. I'll put the plan into action right away.

HP: Good. Now leave me. I must put a condom on my penis before I have sex with my wife.

Algund Eenboom posted:

[after the straight pride parade ended the cops arrested and beat up dozens of random protestors]

Algund Eenboom posted:

https://twitter.com/FordFischer/status/1167924834866647041

SpaceGoku posted:

counter-protesters should have had some guns to protect themselves against what looks to be about 30-50 feral hogs

quote:

The idea of connecting sex toys over the internet isn’t new – the idea was first seriously floated on August 17, 1998, when Warren J. Sandvick, Jim W. Hughes, and David Alan Atkinson patented the concept.
...
It’s only since the 1998 patent expired - in August 2018 - that the teledildonics gold rush has really got rolling, with companies such as Kiroo and Mystery Vibe rushing to the market with internet-connected toys.

Splicer posted:

Why patent an internet controlled buttplug if you're just going to sit on it for 20 years?

Cartoon Man posted:

https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/weird-news/teledildonics-users-sexually-assaulted-hackers-19023962

Splicer posted:

quote:

The idea of connecting sex toys over the internet isn’t new – the idea was first seriously floated on August 17, 1998, when Warren J. Sandvick, Jim W. Hughes, and David Alan Atkinson patented the concept.
...
It’s only since the 1998 patent expired - in August 2018 - that the teledildonics gold rush has really got rolling, with companies such as Kiroo and Mystery Vibe rushing to the market with internet-connected toys.

Why patent an internet controlled buttplug if you're just going to sit on it for 20 years?

Inceltown posted:

e: ^^ gently caress you or my lack of page refreshing before posting.

cumshitter posted:

I'll never forget the time I made a pitch to Jeffrey Epstien, a lead I secured by paying the bathroom attendant as his country club to report on his bathroom schedule, so that I could manage his portfolio. Unfortunately, I lost that sale when I explained that his conception of Yield to Maturity was not what he imagined it to be.

PHIZ KALIFA posted:

angel: so it's a recursive cycle of vespid parasitism? that seems wasteful
god, slamming fists on table: WASPS WASPS WASPS WASPS WASPS
angels, bursting in through the door: WASPS WASPS WASPS WASPS WASPS
therapist, on speakerphone: CONQUERING THE WORMS

H.P. Hovercraft posted:

hell yeah

https://twitter.com/business/status/1167177622561939466

haveblue posted:

putting them in the ocean one at a time seems so inefficient now

ADINSX posted:

Scooters that autonomously throw themselves through payday loan windows? Now this is tech bubble I can get behind.

Cartoon Man posted:

https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/weird-news/teledildonics-users-sexually-assaulted-hackers-19023962

AMISH FRIED PIES posted:

*hacker voice* I'm in.

LouisF posted:

its actually about caca and pee pee in gamer culture


science fact: caca and pee pee in a petri dish is a culture of sorts, much like being a valiant gamer

Push El Burrito posted:

Could be worse, this is the flag someone made for a men's problems subreddit.

dialhforhero posted:

That is just the nautical flag for docking.

Rich Uncle Chet posted:

Describing cookies as nutritious is the most goon thing I've ever seen.