MojoAZ posted:

Got this one in email from my dad today:

AN ACTUAL CRAIGSLIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants whenI drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,
Alex

Probably don't have to ask you to forward this one. It is priceless

Davfff posted:

suave Mexican dude at my old work (I live in new zealand, we don't get a lot of mexicans here) who I didn't really know used to call me gringo, but it's hard to tell if he was just being endearing

'Eeeeeee greeengo, eesss fraydayyy, you goooo-ing for some cerrveeessaaas tonniight eh?'

was funny hearing it from an immaculately groomed and dressed, super successful dude.

Kyyrewyyoae posted:

That thread was full of people patting him on the back for his bravery, but in general it's not like that. This was in the off-topic, "water cooler" type subforum.

Boris Galerkin posted:

That feeling all us girls know.

Spalec posted:

An unironic 'and it was Albert Einstein'

kizudarake posted:

quote:

I have always had a baby face. At 27, I look like I’m a teenager, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be carded well into my thirties.

That being said.

Last year was my first year teaching high school English. We were in pre-service training for three weeks before school started, so I thought that I was fairly well known among the faculty and that I knew all of them. On the first day, I wore a long dress and heavy makeup in an attempt to make myself look older than my sophomores, and I thought it worked pretty well.

Until lunch.

I took a well-deserved break in the staff lounge and an older teacher proceeded to yell at me for five minutes about how students weren’t allowed in the staff areas and how had I gotten in and who was my dean before he noticed the big, shiny badge on my chest that said TEACHER.

The funny thing is that the exact same teacher did the exact same thing when I was trying to finalize my grades during finals week in may.

Eponine posted:

What is HIPAA?

System Metternich posted:

Men are a race now?

Desert Bus posted:

Sharareh Delara Drury
December 7 at 8:02pm · Chicago, IL ·

Today. On a crowded bus. On Michigan Avenue. On my way home from a great job in a city in a diverse country that I was born in.

A man screamed at me. Called me a sand ni**er. Told me I was the problem. That I need to get the gently caress out of his country.

I may have been wearing my scarf higher on my head than usual because it was cold out. I may have somehow looked suspicious listening to Spotify.

But 5 minutes of this at least went on with no one doing anything. Me telling him calmly to back off. Me telling him I would call the cops and me trying to get my gloves off to dial.

Then this man spits at me. A man in a suit and tie. Like anyone else I'd see. He spits at me and looks at me with these regular eyes now filled with anger and tells me to get the gently caress off the bus, do what I'm told, because this isn't my country. This isn't my place.

That's when I screamed at the top of my lungs for him to back off. That's when people decided to maybe help and tell him to stop. That got the attention of the bus driver to kick him out.

I'm home now in my nice apartment in a nice part of Chicago with my fiancé and my cat. Sitting in a room looking out at the lights of other apartments. Wondering how many others out there got screamed at and told today this isn't their country, that they're worthless somehow, that they don't matter. How many?

I was born in Boston, Massachusetts. It's one of the most patriotic cities in America. My ancestor Hugh Drury is buried in the oldest graveyard in Boston, and he helped contribute to the building blocks of what would become the United States of America.
And yes I'm also Iranian. My mother's family came here to seek incredible opportunities and they found them. They've become doctors and entrepreneurs and athletes and writers and singers.
I have family who are Muslim.
have family who are Catholic.
I have family who enjoy laughing and talking and dancing and drinking till they're silly.

And I am American. and this is my country. I do belong here. My roots are planted here.

I'm here and I belong. I won't get off the bus.

‪#‎thisismycountrytoo‬ ‪#‎standup‬ ‪#‎speakup‬

Verisimilidude posted:

This is so crazy that I'm surprised it went unquoted.

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

God forbid we know this woman ordered a small Frosty

kizudarake posted:

Here's a slight switch up from CMOA trooper tales. I'm linking instead of quoting because wonkette's got some poo poo code that discourages copy-pasting from phones.

C.A. Pinkham posts articles that are the laziest loving things because he's getting them from emails full of stdh.txt

He got fired from Gawker, so he took this Schtick to Wonkette.

Edit: shitthatDIDhappen.txt:

CAPinkham is a piece of poo poo.

quote:

Dan Grayson

It was the summer of 1987 and I had just returned from Washington, D.C. after working as a page on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives. What lofty job awaited me on return to Michigan? Working at McDonald’s.

In reality, it was my choice, as my two best friends were working there already. I figured why not spend some time and catch up by working together? Basically, we just had fun, and made food in our spare time.

One “fun time” we took the training video for cooking chicken McNuggets home, and decided to do some editing. The video was left alone at the beginning. “We’re the happy chicken McNuggets! We want to show you how to make the best McNuggets in the world!” cried the creepy McPuppet McNuggets.

“You put us in the fryer….” At this point, we swapped in the video from Faces of Death where a chicken gets its head cut off. So, as the chicken is running around in some remote farm, sans head, the narrative continued:

“Keep us in the fryer 6 minutes until golden brown. Place us in the warming tray until a customer orders us. Count out 4, 6, 10 or 20 pieces, depending on the order.”

Video continues. Chicken still running around. Sans head.

“Remember, we’re the happy chicken McNuggets everyone loves!”

We put the tape back in the training room. A few days later, during a training group’s indoctrination into all things McDonald’s, we hear the manager scream, “Nick, get in here!” (Our buddy Nick always took the fall.)

Wish we had thought to make a copy of that video.

Read more at http://wonkette.com/598304/stories-of-restaurant-employees-who-unleashed-their-inner-smartass#xSvFRVdlytsG6PPj.99

sweeperbravo posted:

Or that duck song from a few years ago.

And he waddled away, waddle-waddle. Til the very next day.

Nonviolent J posted:

my gay thoughts stopped

ibntumart posted: