Ask a Cop - All Cops Are Beannieson - The Something Awful Forums

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Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Beltfed posted:

Yo Britcops!
I have my assessment centre tomorrow and bricking it haha. Any last minute pro tips?

Head over to the examiner, cluck like a chicken three times, pat your right breast and then offer your hand up. It's the super secret mason handshake and you instantly will be promoted to SuperNintendo

Good luck!

for real though there aren't really any last minute tips to give, it's all about preparation and who you are as a person as cheesey as that sounds

Hezzy fucked around with this message at 04:05 on Apr 2, 2015

# ¿ Apr 2, 2015 04:02

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# ¿ May 10, 2024 20:25

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Equine Don posted:

What was your education level when you first joined, donut consumers?

Graduate

# ¿ Apr 2, 2015 19:32

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Smiling Jack posted:

Out of over a thousand arrests I have made or or participated in, I have testified in front of a criminal trial jury three times.

I have been to maybe thirty hearings with a judge where I have been cross-examined by opposing counsel.

Of the court cases I did testify in, each trial was at least a year after the arrest; one was three years after the arrest.

I've been in over 7 years now. Given evidence in Coroner's Court twice, called to Magistrate's Court once but didn't have to stand, anticipating being called to testify in Crown Court this month. Doing everything backwards.

# ¿ Apr 4, 2015 18:09

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Vahakyla posted:

Hey British bobbies, does the British regular police training teach how to handle firearms in any way? I know of course that it doesn't teach to use a firearm offensively, but is there anykind of instruction for disabling, unloading and securing one, if found on a scene perhaps? Or is it just left to be for Armed Officers?

For example, if Bernard runs into a pistol during an arrest situation, were you taught how to properly remove magazines from it and such? I know you naturally know how to do it even without specific training for it, but I am more interested if there was official instruction into it?

Our training is basically "LEAVE IT ON THE FLOOR, ONLY A VERY SHORT BURLY DUDE THAT LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE JOHNNY BRAVO COVERED IN TRIBAL TATTOOS IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH THAT"

Ummm I played Counterstrike once so I'm pretty sure I know how to make a firearm safe, gosh.

Kiryen posted:

Also, you seem to have a misconception. Helping people is not the fundamental reason police exist. The main reason for the police is to catch criminals (however we choose to define criminals). Helping people is a part of what the police do, but people who think that is "why they have this job" are fundamentally mistaken. There are all kinds of other services that exist exclusively to help people. Many of those services are inadequate or poorly run, but that is not the fault of the police. The problem arises when people summon the police and expect them to be social workers. The police are not social workers. When the police come, the are going to resolve police problems. People should not generally call the police for things that are not police problems, and when the police come and solve a police problem it is unfair to then complain that their solution wasn't appropriate for a social problem that existed alongside the law-breaking. For example, at the point the police are called to deal with a knife-wielding mental patient there have generally been plenty of opportunities to intervene long before that was necessary. When people then blame "the police" for shooting him after he charges with the knife they are really just being intellectually lazy - it's very easy to sit in one's armchair and complain about the police shooting a mentally ill person and never even think about what might or might not have been done in advance that might prevent that situation.

# ¿ Apr 5, 2015 17:40

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Kiryen posted:

In places where calling the cops isn't verboten, the citizens have a lot of blame for that too.

"There are teenagers walking down the sidewalk in front of my house, can you send an officer over"

5 minutes later

Him: "There were teenagers on my sidewalk!!"
Me: "That's what it's there for."
Him: "But they might have been up to something!"
Me: "Sir, they're teenagers. They're always up to something, but that's a matter for their parents, not the police."

Literally last week:

Control: Report of youths loitering at X train station. Please could you attend
Me: uhhh I have quite a lot of paperwork to do
Control: You are showing as the nearest resource

I arrive after driving 30 minutes, because we have to attend the call within 60 minutes.

Me: What are you dudes up to
Kid: Waiting for a train to X
Me: Fair do

# ¿ Apr 5, 2015 17:47

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Bernard McFacknutah posted:

Pin sergeant.

Join a territorial force.

Nearest resource for 30 minutes is terrifying. Do you switch to local channels when you attend a call in case you need immediate assistance?

9 times out of 10 we arrive after everything has finished, so a lot of our work is follow up investigation. We also do a lot of football escorts which can get quite rowdy.

Yeah, I always have my vehicle radio set to the local's channel just in case I come across something for them to deal with or if there's any live firearms incidents that I'm about to drive through (true story) but not many others in my station seem to do this. It's mostly the younger officers who do. We're also keen to back locals up if we're not on enquiries.

Invariably if you drive through the boozy parts of town on a Saturday you'll be flagged down by a bouncer who has someone restrained on the floor. Just a quick shout to locals, they attend and you swan off after a brief verbal handover!

We're able to export log updates to my local force's control room electronically, so there's not much point in switching channels as if things go pear shaped I can press my fun button and the Home Office Party Van will show up in short order.

I cover an entire county on a good day, on other days I have been known to cover three different force areas. Most of the time I'm single crewed too, as per our force policy.

I'm quite interested to see where my force will go in the next few years, home office will likely be hit by further cuts which means we'll have one of the biggest budgets to play with... That and the force I might have considered transferring to are no longer taking transferees from my force after they got lumped with a complete nitwit by all accounts.

# ¿ Apr 5, 2015 18:58

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Surely the fact he was charged means that there's sufficient evidence to prosecute?

# ¿ Apr 8, 2015 16:16

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Scruff McGruff posted:

Clearly it's to go for the ipod/phone with one of these

Are American police cars not equipped with brakes?

# ¿ Jun 4, 2015 19:52

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Bernard McFacknutah posted:

Use ridged cuffs and then drive him about with your left hand on the grip of the cuffs and your right hand gripping his pathetic sparrow arm with your thumb pressed in to the ulnar nerve. If he is being particularly tetchy then right hand goes to the back of the neck and you start fingering his mandibular nerve like the first time you got your hand down a girls kecks.

Never understood why Americops don't seem to use rigid cuffs, they are loving fantastic and you can apply mind-blowing amounts of pain without lasting injury or outwardly obvious aggression.

rear stack for life

# ¿ Jun 19, 2015 13:41

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Reign Of Pain posted:

Hey Bernard, look at 2:45 and 3:00 and tell me if this is that mandibular pressure point you been talkin' 'bout

http://www.cnn.com/videos/us/2015/07/02/dnt-mark-magness-cop-beats-man.kdvr

That video is disgusting

# ¿ Jul 5, 2015 12:47

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

SirDrinksAlot posted:

So I'm filling out the POBITS (Peace Officer Background Investigation Tracking System) for my entry into the academy.

And there's a lot of questions like "have you ever had sex in a public place"

And "have you ever solicited prostitution"

Now I'll come right out and say it. As a sailor I have a bit of a sordid past especially concerning port calls in foreign countries.

Should I even continue applying or are these questions gonna outright DQ me?

How long ago was it? If we're talking more than maybe 10 years then fair enough, but if it was last week then you're probably better off not applying...

# ¿ Jul 5, 2015 13:06

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

bitcoin bastard posted:

Bernard/Hezzy, please comment:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64WBNa6Jl0w

what the heck

# ¿ Jul 6, 2015 17:17

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Cop gay. So What posted:

When you guys arrest someone, do you not also charge them? I've never heard of an arrest without charge, what kind of bizarro world do you guys live in? You can only hold someone for so long before they have to be charged or released so is this just a semantics thing?

Re: the Ask Tell Criminal Justice thread.

Section 24 of the Police and Criminal Evidence Act 1984 details a Constable's power of arrest. We only exercise our power of arrest to fulfill certain criteria, as specified in subsection 5. We then have a period of 24 hours in order to carry out our investigation. This can be extended on the authorisation of a high ranking police officer. To prolong the investigation, for example if we need to gather additional evidence that is not immediately available, we can bail the person which tells them to attend the police station again at a specified time and date. At the moment there is no statutory limit on bail, so as long as there is time on the "PACE Clock" (the 24 hours in custody) then they can keep being bailed. Of course this isn't good so the Government are introducing steps to stop silly bails and forces already have internal procedures in place.

We only charge if there is sufficient evidence of the offence and it is in the public interest to proceed with a prosecution. Most people are usually eligible for "out of court disposals" such as an on the spot fine, a caution, referral to the Youth Offending Team, Community Resolution or summons to court. My force is a national one and the majority of it does not have dedicated custody facilities, so we often use cells belonging to local forces. Because of this, I tend to use alternative means such as "Voluntary Attendance" at a police station for audio interview, conducting "Contemporaneous" interviews on paper, reporting people for offences (which results in summons to court).

It's pretty complex!

# ¿ Jul 7, 2015 16:29

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

EXTREME INSERTION posted:

Do the dogs usually bite and hold the person down, or do they actually inflict a lot of damage with the bites? Can you control how hard they bite or is it sort of an all or nothing thing?

I've no experience with dog units but from what I've seen they're trained to bite an arm and not let go until their handler says otherwise. I doubt there's any way to train them how hard to bite, that sounds unnecessary complex when their sole purpose to bite somebody...

As for dog bites, they can inflict a lot of damage. They have big teeth.

# ¿ Jul 17, 2015 22:11

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Patrick Spens posted:

Why?

because it's impolite you colonial savage

Bernard McFacknutah posted:

Also the only person he will be killing is himself

and zipping himself up in a duffel bag?

# ¿ Jul 27, 2015 01:57

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

sass

# ¿ Jul 28, 2015 10:24

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Whip Slagcheek posted:

lmao

# ¿ Aug 4, 2015 13:44

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

DeesGrandpa posted:

Took my pre-employment polygraph today, everything when great except at the end when after the machine was taken off the guy starts asking me if I was SURE I hadn't smoked weed in the last 18 months. I answered no, and I'd said on my application I hadn't smoked since college (true, and longer than 18 months ago). He started asking me more questions, like if I had been around people who smoked, which as I live in Denver was a big yup. Then he asked me if I might have gotten a contact high, I again replied no. This was the only thing he asked for clarification about which makes me pretty nervous, despite not lying. Is this a common thing or is this a sign that I may have flunked the poly?

It's almost as if Polygraphs are a bunch of bollocks

# ¿ Aug 27, 2015 23:56

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

DrakeriderCa posted:

Lol you think polygraphs are bad you should check out CVSA

Edit: I learned everything I need to know about poly's from The Commish

I'm guessing this isn't the Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome Association? Google doesn't come up with anything so please do enlighten us Englishfolk who don't use fancy gadgets to tell us when Jimmy's telling a porkie

# ¿ Aug 28, 2015 03:39

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

unless it is about firemen being dicks, boning dispatchers or doughnuts, the answer to "how do cops feel about X" is always "overwhelming apathy"

# ¿ Sep 18, 2015 10:42

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

i am a taser-kin respect my right to zap all the bad guys

# ¿ Oct 11, 2015 05:14

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

It's crazy that normal cops in the USA could potentially be earning the same amount of money as someone in charge of an area over here.

Anyone fancy getting married so I can get a greencard? Don't need to touch balls or out

# ¿ Nov 2, 2015 11:38

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Bernard McFacknutah posted:

That's only 65k a year, most top rate Detective Sergeants down here are on that with overtime. The last year in my Father got 78k before tax when he was working for the DPS/CRB3.

I think you need to get over your gag reflex and get down the local Masonic lodge asap. Give out some gob jobs before the Sergeants board.

(for the record my Dad couldn't become a mason even if he wanted to on account of being a filthy Mick Papist)

my force doesn't generate enough work for overtime

# ¿ Nov 2, 2015 14:17

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Bernard McFacknutah posted:

I hosed a children's TV presenter a few years ago after a rugby game. And no I'm not going to reveal which one, I didn't even know who she was until some weirdo with no kids mentioned that she talks like shes had a stroke to toddlers on some program.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1M_luAXwHw

# ¿ Nov 4, 2015 16:35

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Two Finger posted:

Jesus christ that's hideous

kinda looks like a moob

# ¿ Nov 4, 2015 16:40

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Branis posted:

can we all agree that mexican food is better than indian food, and thats why america is better.

i would kill for a chipotle to open near me i can't get a decent burrito fix

# ¿ Nov 4, 2015 20:47

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

do you guys have nandos

# ¿ Nov 5, 2015 03:32

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Captain Bravo posted:

So how important is baton training for officers nowadays? I've heard that it's mostly fallen out of favor since the taser became a thing. Do any of the cops in here still carry a baton on the beat, or do you leave it on the seat?

Also, same question for the brit cops (And Bernard )

Baton training is basically "These are the carrying positions" "You can stab people with it or hit them" "Go hit this dummy a few times" once a year. Literally takes less than 15 minutes with a full group of officers

All front line UK officers are required to carry their baton as it forms part of their "personal protective equipment" under health and safety regulations

I only really ever see batons being used on football days when there's a ruckus and fisticuffs ensue

# ¿ Nov 25, 2015 05:08

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Mike-o posted:

the quintessential vision of the british police officer to me will never not be groups of them slapping their batons on their hands, marching at half-step and chanting in unison "OI OI OI!" while getting ready to beat the snot out of ~~soccer~~football hooligans

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haNF0Z9fAQY

# ¿ Nov 25, 2015 06:07

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Bernard McFacknutah posted:

A long time ago when I was an officer.. things were exactly as Hezzy described. Baton usually gets used for smashing windows and holding doors ajar while someone else finishes smashing them down. I bent a baton doing this and got an almighty bollocking.

We have 2 types, the normal 21" friction lock baton, used to be a quality ASP one, then we got a poo poo Manadnock which was softer metal and now they have some Chinese poo poo where they stop locking out.

The other type is a solid Public Order baton of plastic (or older wood ones) that gets issued to every Riot trained officer. The weight and length is issued based on your size and strength. I got given the largest baton

...and never hit anyone with it.

O, and mounted officers have some giant 3 foot baton that they like to use to educate students and football supporters.

Was the lovely chinese one a TCH baton? They're terrible, we either had a bad batch or they're just generally shoddy build quality. We have Monadnocks now, much better. When I worked for the Home Office, I had a MX-21 which was an absolutely dream. Basically just two really heavy pieces of metal that slide out and lock. Really satisfying racking noise!

Bernard McFacknutah posted:

Here is an officer about to educate someone.

"TALLY HOOOOOOOOOOO!"

JayKay posted:

Last time I deployed my baton was a few weeks ago....

....to turn on a TV that people couldn't find the remote for and was too high for anyone to reach.

Real talk, I've never struck anyone with my baton. I have deployed it a few times for baton locks and in a kubaton matter (thumbs on top of wrist, baton against wrist bones,push, instant grip breaker)

I've only ever drawn my baton for football, not had to hit anybody though luckily.

# ¿ Nov 25, 2015 17:17

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

I think ACAB was predominantly Irish?

# ¿ Nov 25, 2015 18:27

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Whenever I see more than 10 posts in this thread I always wonder "Who have the American cops shot now?"

# ¿ Dec 2, 2015 04:29

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Bernard McFacknutah posted:

This is why petite men shouldn't be cops.

i am 5ft6"

# ¿ Dec 29, 2015 15:18

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Bernard McFacknutah posted:

Once I become the new PCC height and strength requirements will be re-instituted. 6 foot (just like it was in London for almost 100 years) and a 160kg bench press. You also need to be able to drink a whole bottle of Scotch and still go on duty 3 hours later, stab vests are out and tunics are back in (because Women loving love them.)

If you fail 2 beep tests in a row you're sent to Hendon to be fed to the Police horses.

Police Sergeants with less than 5 years service left and at least 1 divorce under their belt replace Magistrates in all duties.

The legal aid system is disbanded and replaced with the Chuckle brothers and the cast of Geordie Shore as the only source of legal advice.

Flogging with cat-o-9 tails is now an option instead of a fixed penalty notice or Police caution. Drink driving is dealt with by beating by the entire relief.

Brest reduction is now illegal and punishable with a minimum 5 year custodial sentence.

I'm pretty sure that if I ran for office and posted that manifesto in the Daily Mail I'd win with a landslide.

cushy �90k job in the bag right there

# ¿ Dec 29, 2015 15:55

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

JayKay posted:

Semi annual belt chat:

If I'm looking down at my junk, going clockwise.

Spare cruiser keys, cuff key, traffic box key all in a nylon holder, pepper spray, duty weapon, baton, handcuffs, latex gloves in a pouch, flashlight, taser, cellphone case, mag pouches.

On my vest is my radio and 2nd set of cuffs.

And I'm not on the street

PAVA spray, TCH rigid cuffs, limb restraints, 21" TCH baton, keys (cuff, railway, PAVA locker)

reminded me i need to get a new key holder as i snapped mine taking some car keys off of it in a hurry

Hezzy fucked around with this message at 18:00 on Dec 29, 2015

# ¿ Dec 29, 2015 17:57

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Bernard McFacknutah posted:

Those long carbon ones are excellent, don't know how much cuffing you do but the retracting metal cable is good. I guess you don't need to carry fire keys or a glass hammer on the trains?

i had quite an expensive retractable one with metal cable which broke after some football guy tried to nick my keys, then i broke my backup plastic one by literally just yanking the keys off the belt when i needed to chase someone in my car. not the best of luck when it comes to these

we do a fair amount of cuffing, but we don't need fire keys or a glass hammer. 99% of doors on trains can be opened with a t-key and on stations with a 16 key (both of which we are not issued with but they seem to just appear in our office)

# ¿ Dec 29, 2015 18:07

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Bernard McFacknutah posted:

I kicked in a train toilet door at London Bridge once thinking that someone was hiding in there.

Turns out the toilet doors can be locked from the outside on a train. The only thing in that toilet was a major blockage.

I 'forgot' to write that one up on account of our CRIS system not allowing a moving address and gently caress stating that I kicked in a train station door and passing the CRIS over to BTP so they can reply calling me a dumb oval office which probably would have been replied to by a MET inspector telling them not to ask for help on I-grades when they are 50 meters from BTP HQ in the future.

For context some bloke had a falling out with a black cabbie at the rank by London Bridge station, decided that rather than just not pay the fare he would kick the gently caress out of the Cab. He did this at about 8.30 during a change in shift on a quiet rainy Friday night so about 80-100 officers attended and started behaving like wild animals because technically it's BTP's problem if we upset the public. I ran on to a train looking for people that matched the description and found no one. In the end Surrey Police caught him at some shithole station in the middle of nowhere.

The sight of dozens and dozens of MET officers vaulting the ticket gates and pulling the emergency stop cables on trains so they didn't go on a free ride while they searched it made a lot of people think that we were looking for a bomb.

hahaha that's amazing, surprised there were no BTP bobbies kicking about. probably sloped off for a coffee with their hands in their vests after seeing you guys storming the station

# ¿ Dec 29, 2015 18:33

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Bernard McFacknutah posted:

To be fair it's always fairly well Policed, usually 6-8 BTP officers on duty at all times but it's a big station and wouldn't take much to make a manhunt impossible for 8 officers. The BTP officers at the HQ always seemed so happy. I used to go in there for a poo poo and there didn't seem to be any rats, the floors had carpets and the toilets didn't have graffiti about Mark Duggan or Chief Superintendent X giving out gob jobs at the section house for pennies.

railway dollars yo $$$$

also gilmour house is terrible, i wouldn't stay there even if gob jobs were being given out for pennies

# ¿ Dec 29, 2015 19:09

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Bernard McFacknutah posted:

gently caress, you went to Gilmore? That's a jog from my old station. Were you staying there or loving some probationer? It's pretty sharp for a section house, parquet flooring and a concierge to make sure you at least know the name of the girl you've drugged up and dragged back for a bit of the old in and out.

Used to have to do my OST in the basement there. If you ever go back make sure you give me a buzz, I'll show you how us Southerners can quaff a shandy or two.

our initial training is in london and they put us up in gilmour, they don't send us there anymore because a met bobby mislaid his fav mug and threatened to kick in all the doors of the btp bobbies and search their rooms

i think im due down in london at some point in the next few months to do taser certification and a tutor constable course will give you a shout

Booblord Zagats posted:

They do a Point Break scene where Hezzy can't shoot the bad guy (Prince Charles in a Burka) and Whip just gibs him in one shot, looks over at Hezzy and says "Gotta use the sights dude."

Also Mrs. Beanie is the actual detective finding out all the twists and turns of the plot because Beanie's too drunk, Whip's too fat, Bernie's too licentious and no one can understand Hezzy's accent

this sounds pretty amazing and probably quite accurate

# ¿ Dec 30, 2015 12:11

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# ¿ May 10, 2024 20:25

Hezzy: Dec 4, 2004; Pillbug

Branis posted:

If I go to london as a americop can i rent a section house room and get drunk with london coppers? Also can I badge a cop in england and get out of trouble or what.

http://www.ipa-iac.org/

join and all this gets sorted. vacations abound!

we should have a november pissup sometime. i turn 28 in nov and i am starting to feel quite old

# ¿ Dec 31, 2015 05:06

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