Triticum Guzzler posted:

There's a lot of hosed up and weird people, on this comedy forum website, who do not ever post jokes, do not enjoy jokes or indeed even laughing, and have coined a derogatory term for people who make jokes. They're all missionaries drawn here by the allure of the fertile lands of videos of a severely asthmatic man playing Megaman games, and interesting philosophical quandries posted by the fake PTSD guy about the nature of doors and windows in Dungeons and Dragons. They are wise men here to educate a savage, uneducated, indigenous sort. It is a sonorous, musical form of education; a greasy collective amasses on the front line of the battle against social injustice, the video game subforum on a message board that has a drop down menu that makes light of the holocaust on every single page, and sings a shrill harmony that permeates the very aether, making my pets feel unsafe, when a video game muscle man calls Catwoman a bitch. They have picked their battles well, and I note from my foxhole that I am running out of ammunition, chiefly in the form of the increasingly finite number of ways I can frame this absurd situation with the English language. I clench my fists and yell "anime" towards an uncaring, absent God, and swear solemnly to press my thumbs into Chocolate America's eyeballs until he is blinded, to directly emasculate sporting figures, to beat the poo poo out of tumblr users with baseball bats, and to quietly appreciate what Waylon Smithers being gay means to me.

Triticum Guzzler posted:

pre:

INT. DANK TORTURE BASEMENT - NIGHT

The sound of metal chains whipping against bare flesh hang heavy in the air, like a bird
flying into a headwind. The room is damp and sparsely lit. SUPERMECHAGODZILLA's scarred
jowls are illuminated by a desk lamp laying sideways on the floor

                                SUPERMECHAGODZILA
        Which reading is true? Which reading is true? WHICH READING IS TRUE!?

                                KOOS
        [Spits mouthful of blood] The words are used specifically for their
        literal intention, the events are straightforward so as to be easily
        understood by an audience of children.

The beating begins again, with a furious vigour, until SUPERMECHAGODZILLA can barely
stand. He rests one hand against a dirty wall, sweat marring his 1993 Nebraska Film
Festival hypercolor t-shirt.

                                SUPERMECHAGODZILA
        The opposite reading is true... The opposite reading is true. I've
        been to college.

KOOS straightens his posture, his pride and dignity unscathed by the days long assault
of a fat, stupid man.

                                KOOS
        Any perceived allusions to facism in A Goofy Movie are a wholesale
        invention of a misguided viewer.

SUPERMECHAGODZILLA adopts the look of a man who has been defeated. Wearily, he grabs a
shotgun that had been resting in the corner, and cocks it loudly.

                                KOOS
        Goofy simply wishes to bond with his son through fishing, a traditional
        pastime, as he had done with his own father. It is neither parable nor
        allegory. Neither dog was molested, the material does not support this.

Triticum Guzzler posted:

Senior Woodchuck posted:

Nah, he just whines and spouts gibberish from a teenager's half-assed theory of comedy. I guess it's kinda funny, in a "kid with the helmet can't open his juice box" way.

But back to the topic of movie reviews: Isn't caring about stuff the worst, you guys? And having thoughts and opinions? And like, expressing them? As if it's a reviewer's job to tell people what they thought of the movie they saw, amirite?

The essence of the criticism of the criticism that has been ongoing, at least on my part, is that it is bad. It is not good. It is really not very informative. It is not that it is bad to "care".

If you actually legitimately care about film, there is a good chance you do not post about it on this web site, because if you look at the movie forum (or the book forum, etc) you see that largely there's an incredible fixation on really childish products (and they are usually products rather than films) with a corresponding lack of taste. I'm sure it's an idea that's unfamiliar to you, as a grown man who wants to surgically replace his dick and balls with a coin operated motorised Donald Duck ride who is about 3 wispy chin hairs away from being a convicted rapist, but when criticism is coming from a really juvenile place about a less-juvenile subject it can seem very superficial and difficult to respect. Like when they allow kids to do news reports on the actual news.

This is one side of the coin here. Some of the reviewers present as, essentially, children of varying extreme largeness. But even if you read what they have to say about children's movies, it's still incredibly basic analysis of a film seen through a lens of a culture who are obsessed with identity politics in all things.

For example, if you read this week's review of The Boxtrolls, all you will learn is:

- The reviewer liked Coraline and Paranorman, but this film has a worse story
- There are trolls who wear boxes, also there are two characters who have names
- The film is nominally about the trolls who wear boxes, however it focuses on one of them who isn't REALLY a troll, but is actually a boy. This is a "big problem".
- The villain is avaristic and ugly. He pretends to be a woman, this is also a big problem, but we're not told why. Just that tumblr dislikes that and they're right to do so.
- The animation is good, kids will like it.

The only thing gleaned from this review that you won't get from the trailer is a number score and at some point a man wears a dress. It's an 800 word sideways glance at a movie and it really does not do a good job reviewing it outside of conveying the general sentiment that it's sort of not bad. I don't respect this, and I don't much care what this person has to say about other movies especially if they're more complicated than this movie for 6-year-olds.

On top of which the reviews are completely joyless, on a comedy web site. It's not just that it's really out of place, it's poorly executed in its own right. I'm not trying to illegally troll or insult them so please do not electronically beat me up, but I don't think they're cut out for this.

Thank you for reading this wearying post. As a reward, here is a picture of the cast of Duck Tales taking public transport so you can finally blast the biggest load of your life you mewling piece of poo poo idiot

Triticum Guzzler posted:

its really amazing how the actions of goons and mods are so freaking far beyond the pale that its actually impossible for a bystander to believe.

proposal: i am going to make an environmentally sustainable yoga retreat in hawaii

reality: a y2k survivalist paid goons a "food stipend" to help me clearcut a rainforest, dig a road by hand, torture and mutilate animals to death on camera, and bathe in/drink from an improperly filtered kiddy pool that wild hogs poo poo and pissed in

proposal: i am going to make a fun zipline for kids at camp

reality: a goon spent tens of thousands of dollars constructing a machine that kills children, entirely by accident

proposal: a fad diet thread in the exercise forum

reality: a mentally ill man resembling a melted candle, the pied piper of ham joints, told people that eating nothing but eggs and bacon and lard in paint buckets (they were literally buying and eating buckets full of lard in the name of good health) would not only make them lose weight, but was so healthy it would cure heart disease and cancer. an enormous fat powerlifter who cant run for 20 seconds probated and banned anyone who challenged this wisdom until it lead to a man barely in his 20s being prescribed statins.

proposal: a thread about animal husbandry in the pet forum

reality: a moderator unrepentantly killed animals with ac/dc hadoukens and probated people who asked questions

proposal: a forum for "responsible drug users" and "harm reduction"

reality: a man falls through the earth and into parisian catacombs. taking a torch from the wall he spies row upon row of skeletons. grasping the nearest by the shoulders, he shakes it madly, yelling "my nigga have u tried lsd"

GE Cafe posted:

I decided it'd be fun to gently caress myself earlier this evening/morning. So I greased up Mr Sunshine and went to work. I had fun for 10 minutes and came. Then I was feeling the need to shower, so I did.

This is where things get graphic. Stop here if you don't want to cry.

Shortly after I started my shower, I felt a bit of matter coming out. Not terribly unusual, I just got done pounding my rear end. It landed on the floor of the shower. A few moments later I notice it's moving... strangely as it slowly gets washed towards the drain.

Last chance to stop. It's horriffic.

I nudge it with my toe and, to my horror, realize it's one piece. As in, a connected piece, as if it were... tissue. I think it's a bit of the outer layer of the colon. I feel like I'm going to pass out. I just crapped a piece of my rear end out of my rear end. I get it down the drain as quickly as possible and then sit down in the tub, I felt like I was having a panic attack. I'd had plenty of rear end sex before and not noticed this. Maybe this happened and I simply didn't notice it, or maybe the rear end "sheds" like this on its own occasionally, and no one really notices it (or admits they did). My rear end didn't hurt at all, but it does now, kind of, probably because I haven't stopped thinking about this horror for the last 90 minutes.

So the moral of the story is I really don't want to do this again. It makes me sad because I enjoy anal sex. Maybe others have heartier colons that I. But for god's sake, use condoms. If anything with a pulse goes in there, make sure it's sheathed.

Sleeveless posted:

Modern GBS is a Breitbart FYAD-light, there's no room for jokes.

Mel Mudkiper posted:

You are an unfunny vanilla white noise posting waste of loving life and the sheer effort you put into being worthless is almost admirable if only because it would be easier to do something or anything worth reading even once in your entire time here you loving abyss

Benny the Snake posted:

I wanted to answer this question more in-depth here.

I became a Seattle fan not after Super Bowl 48 but Super Bowl 49-after seeing their humiliating defeat against the Patriots because of that terrible play and interception at the last second. It was a heart breaker, but I fell in love with how well they played. It also helps that Seattle is a city where a lot of what I love originated from (Hendrix, Cobain, Pearl Jam, Neuromancer and the Cyberpunk genre, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Starbucks). This was the first football season I've ever followed and following the Hawks was amazing, especially in week 17 when I won a hoodie off a bet-that was the moment where I became both a member and believer of the 12s.

To see Cam Newton run us over in the divisional round was one thing. To see him do so when it was clear that his team was over-depending on him was another. What really made me salty, and boy howdy was I full of , was the simple fact that he compared himself to Superman. How he kept wearing Superman shirts and also how his home field played the John Williams theme. This became nerd rage, and I wanted to see Batman beat Superman. Russel Wilson wasn't Batman and going into this game I was hoping Peyton would be. It turned out Von Miller was the Dark Knight, as he was sacking and pressuring Cam was glorious. This little internal narrative of mine was helped by the constant ad presence for Batman V Superman.

Congrats, Broncos and Von Miller. Congrats for avenging us. Here's looking forward to my team's 40th season

PS: If you're reading Febreeze, I'd like to see a comic where Cam Newton as Superman has the MVP sack-stripped from him by Von Miller as Batman.

Jedit posted:

That mom quote about the blood clot reminds me of a comment someone made in discussion of the krokodil thread, which was "TCC: a forum for arm reduction". Anyone remember where that was or who was responsible for it?

rodbeard posted:

Wait so SMG is actually funny when he's posting outside of CD?

PBS Newshour posted:

SMG is always funny, like it is amazing people get piss off about his funny posts. Why are you getting angry at the funny?

Karate Bastard posted:

What the hell?

Karate Bastard posted:

I sometimes ask questions for which I know there are no answers that will improve my life in any way. What is book of Ariel.

A Saucy Bratwurst posted:

The everest threads are actually really good and cover a lot more stuff than just everest if you read them. Sure theres dudes who've never climbed a mountain in their life making GBS threads on the difficulty of it but there are some very smart people talking about a lot of similar and related topics and effort posting, it can be pretty interesting. There are people who take it way too far, at the end of the day Everest is an easy mountain compared to literally everything around it, doesn't mean it's an Easy Mountain though. Just ignore the crap stuff.

The last time I read it, there was talk of stuff like underwater caves and other mountains around the world. Everything about those caves is pure

E: It might have been because the mountain closed last year that the thread was good though

Sunswipe posted:

Outfuckingstanding. I've got this glorious image in my head now. Chris is snorting enough cocaine to let Columbia buy the world and shouting about procedurally-generated tortoises. Sandi, carrying a battery powered hair clipper and a magnifying glass, is hunting terrified junior staff members. Disco Lando is playing Elite: Dangerous on his VR headset and wondering how long he can get away with pretending that's important research. Alexis is sending some Star Citizen merchandise back to the manufacturer because it's too high quality and it would be dangerous to get their customers used to anything being well made. Ryan Archer sits in a corner, changing every tenth word in The Great Gatsby prior to sending it to a publisher under his own name. Programmers sit at their desks, sending to CVs to any company that has never heard of CIG. A couple of them dangle from the ceiling by nooses, smiles on their faces. An occasional pistol shot is heard as an artist has their previously accepted work sent back for the twentieth time. Amid all this, still trapped in his seat from the last video recording, Ben Lesnick squints at a pile of old Wing Commander boxes, counting the discs within largely by touch, sometimes tentatively biting one to check whether it's a disc or just another of the novelty cookies his wife makes in a desperate attempt to get him to look at her the way he looks at Chris Roberts.

I hate these guys so much.

Triticum Guzzler posted:

its really amazing how the actions of goons and mods are so freaking far beyond the pale that its actually impossible for a bystander to believe.

proposal: i am going to make an environmentally sustainable yoga retreat in hawaii

reality: a y2k survivalist paid goons a “food stipend” to help me clearcut a rainforest, dig a road by hand, torture and mutilate animals to death on camera, and bathe in/drink from an improperly filtered kiddy pool that wild hogs poo poo and pissed in

proposal: i am going to make a fun zipline for kids at camp

reality: a goon spent tens of thousands of dollars constructing a machine that kills children, entirely by accident

proposal: a fad diet thread in the exercise forum

reality: a mentally ill man resembling a melted candle, the pied piper of ham joints, told people that eating nothing but eggs and bacon and lard in paint buckets (they were literally buying and eating buckets full of lard in the name of good health) would not only make them lose weight, but was so healthy it would cure heart disease and cancer. an enormous fat powerlifter who cant run for 20 seconds probated and banned anyone who challenged this wisdom until it lead to a man barely in his 20s being prescribed statins.

proposal: a thread about animal husbandry in the pet forum

reality: a moderator unrepentantly killed animals with ac/dc hadoukens and probated people who asked questions

proposal: a forum for “responsible drug users” and “harm reduction”

reality: a man falls through the earth and into parisian catacombs. taking a torch from the wall he spies row upon row of skeletons. grasping the nearest by the shoulders, he shakes it madly, yelling “my nigga have u tried lsd"

Sham bam bamina! posted:

(paraphrased from )
Internationally Esteemed Citizen Journalist: Explain how I'm wrong.
Forums Weirdo: Some guy already has, in extensive detail; here's a link.

TetsuoTW posted:

No, he just gets weirdly personally offended whenever someone talks poo poo about Brown Moses.

EorayMel posted:

Thread thread on the forum.
What is the funniest post of them all?

Hermetic posted:

I am sorry, but you are addressing HERMETIC, the corporation created by Lowtax when I signed up for this forum. I, Hermetic, the sovereign poster do not enter into a joinder to agree to these rules about "derails", and will protect myself from attempts to violate my freedom by any means necessary.

Now, I think that tipping 15% is generally just a courtesy. If you can't afford the tip, you can't afford the meal. Also, all police are terrible, and Bernie would have been a better candidate for the Dems than Hillary.

Otisburg posted:

There is no gold fringe on this thread so I can post about how circumcision is actually good and cool.

The Ape of Naples posted:

How much should one tip a Mohel?

Rick_Hunter posted:

With...the tip?

Lunchmeat Larry posted:

*in extremely PYF voice*
here's my tier list of unfunny subforums

Your Gay Uncle posted:

Once when I was around 8 or 9 I was hanging out with my cousin at a park. We went back to his place and smelled something terrible. We tracked the smell down to his room and found that his beloved Guinea Pig Marbles had died. We were both very sad and decided he should be cremated like they had done with Grandpa. That way we could could save his ashes in a Batman cup and leave them on the mantle.

So we collected his remains and some lighter fluid and headed down to the public bbq to burn Marble's body like the heathen kings of old. What we didn't know was that you had to stick a corpse in an insanely hot oven to reduce it to ash. We thought you just had to light it on fire and let the natured take care of the rest. So we dumped Marbles in the bbq, soaked it in lighter fluid and lit it on fire. his hair sizzled, his toenails caught on fire but he went out pretty quick. We resoaked his half charred, toenailless corpse again and relit it.

I don't know if you have ever smell burning Guinea hair and melting flesh, but it isn't pleasant. His hair was now fully burned off and his skin was blistering, but still no ashes. At this point we were starting to gather some attention from other people at the park. We panicked and thought they would call the cops and arrest us for improper animal corpse handling and sent to to Juvie. We patted Marble's corpse out, ran to the public restroom and tried to flush it down the toilet.

It didn't go great. Marbles swirled around the bottom of the toilet like the way Curly would twirl around the flooring yelling " woob woob woob woob woob", but he didn't flush. We tried again but nothing happened. Panicking even more, we stuffed him down the toilet and flushed again. His corpse got sucked halfway down , then the toilet started to back up and overflow. Panicked completely took over at this point and we left Marbles stuck in the toilet and ran back to my cousin's house, dug a hole in the garden, buried an empty shoebox and told everyone that's where Marbles was buried.

I've always wondered what the next person to use that restroom thought when they found a half roasted guinea pig corpse sticking out of the toilet like some kind of Skeksi puppet.

FactsAreUseless posted:

Did you expect an instant transformation the first day it came back?

If you want GBS to be better, go post in GBS, Dr. Self-Fulfilling-Prophecy.

Powershift posted:

wayfinder posted:

Chevrolet is the manufacturer. You're actually thinking of Chevrolet's Monster

Menstrual Show posted:

Donald likes piss,
Schmorky loves poo,
Close GBS,
And D&D too.

Streak posted:

if i hate women so much, why do i keep trying to have sex with them?????

Moon Atari posted:

Because you want to make them suffer?

Dabir posted:

Barry Foster posted:

No Eccles no sale.

Neddy Seagoon posted:

Fine, fine, fine.

lordofthefishes posted:

cock hero flux posted:

gently caress you Network is a good movie

Nill posted:

mllaneza posted:

Paprika is vastly underrated as a spice. it's not just for goulash people !

QUACKTASTIC posted:

Can we not do this here? The correct term is Hungarians.

VanSandman posted:

Diet-Michelle-Obama runs DnD now. It's kind of amazing watching white person after white person melt down when she points out what they are saying/the language that they are using is either: A. Racist in intent, B. Racist in usage or C. Racist by implication, even if that's not the intent.
White people cannot stand to be called racist.
I am white as hell.

sebmojo posted:

This is not a funny forums quote

Lowtax posted:

You're the dumbest motherfucker this side of the Pecos, and I have absolutely no idea what side of the Pecos the servers are on.

Whiz Palace posted:

I wonder if the Hegel namecheck was based on something that actually happened or if it just seemed like something he'd do.

And Tyler Too! posted:

http://www.krust.life/

Krustposting is the best.

Tonight We Remember The Brave Fallen of The Second Battle of Krusty Grill

Hot Karl Marx posted:

https://twitter.com/DaleJr/status/912284220067893248

C'mon, do it NASCAR

That Works posted:

Unlike his father he is turning left.