Your Gay Uncle posted:

Once when I was around 8 or 9 I was hanging out with my cousin at a park. We went back to his place and smelled something terrible. We tracked the smell down to his room and found that his beloved Guinea Pig Marbles had died. We were both very sad and decided he should be cremated like they had done with Grandpa. That way we could could save his ashes in a Batman cup and leave them on the mantle.

So we collected his remains and some lighter fluid and headed down to the public bbq to burn Marble's body like the heathen kings of old. What we didn't know was that you had to stick a corpse in an insanely hot oven to reduce it to ash. We thought you just had to light it on fire and let the natured take care of the rest. So we dumped Marbles in the bbq, soaked it in lighter fluid and lit it on fire. his hair sizzled, his toenails caught on fire but he went out pretty quick. We resoaked his half charred, toenailless corpse again and relit it.

I don't know if you have ever smell burning Guinea hair and melting flesh, but it isn't pleasant. His hair was now fully burned off and his skin was blistering, but still no ashes. At this point we were starting to gather some attention from other people at the park. We panicked and thought they would call the cops and arrest us for improper animal corpse handling and sent to to Juvie. We patted Marble's corpse out, ran to the public restroom and tried to flush it down the toilet.

It didn't go great. Marbles swirled around the bottom of the toilet like the way Curly would twirl around the flooring yelling " woob woob woob woob woob", but he didn't flush. We tried again but nothing happened. Panicking even more, we stuffed him down the toilet and flushed again. His corpse got sucked halfway down , then the toilet started to back up and overflow. Panicked completely took over at this point and we left Marbles stuck in the toilet and ran back to my cousin's house, dug a hole in the garden, buried an empty shoebox and told everyone that's where Marbles was buried.

I've always wondered what the next person to use that restroom thought when they found a half roasted guinea pig corpse sticking out of the toilet like some kind of Skeksi puppet.

Crash_N_Burn posted:

He actually hates vets because of Shmorkys botched neutering

CptAwesome posted:

what the heck

Dapper Dan posted:

d&d stages of grief:

1 - don't rush to conclusions, it can be white, right wing neo-nazis or the ira
2 - don't rush to conclusions, it can be any other terrorists than isis, maybe boko haram
3 - don't rush to conclusions, it can be people that were there for months and recruited by isis on twitter
4 - don't rush to conclusions, it can be they were the only refugees to be terrorists
5 - gently caress you, it is still the white people's fault

Somfin posted:

Keeping this wonder full-sized for the new page.

Is this the legendary melted candle goon?

Kenny Logins posted:

Don't know if this was the most recent time before this one, but it's what I found and is worth posting on its own:

ChickenOfTomorrow posted:

Your Dunkle Sans posted:

What is the word filter? The thread is gassed so I can't quote to see the words before the filter is applied.

Lunchmeat Larry posted:

my favourite thing about the new filters is that the user “IM GAY LIKE 3O” shows up, when quoted, as “MY SEXUALITY WAS TURNED INTO A MEME BY IDIOTS LIKE 3O”

Control Volume posted:

PBS Newshour uses JOKE! BiggerBoat is confused! He hurts his reputation in his confusion!

ALL-PRO SEXMAN posted:

You mistake people rolling their eyes at his dumb gimmick with anger.

Wizard Master posted:

Most of these quotes suck poo poo to be honest.

quote:

That's mjq jazz bar. Here is the entire collection:

I came home this afternoon after picking up my copy of gta and I smelled something funny from my neighbors house. I went over there and the door was unlocked so I went right in. Sure enough there was my neighbor and two of his friends smoking to their hearts content. I told them they had two options, one- they could put the joints out or two- I would put the joints out for them. My neighbor had run ins with me before so he knew I meant business so he threw his joint down and told me to leave. I said you made a wise choice but I'm still calling the cops and then I turned to leave. My neighbor then got up off the couch got behind me and said a few cuss words and told me to mind my business. Well that did it. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said "lets get high". I then front kicked him a good 8 feet in the air. Then his other friend came at me with the bong, I grabbed his arm, snapped it and then hit him in the stomach with the bong. His other friend ran into the kitchen so I went after him. He was in the corner crying so I said "this is your brain" and then I grabbed a frying pan and said "this is your brain on drugs" and then I hit him in the head as hard as I could with the frying pan. After that I called the cops and they came over and arrested my neighbor and his friends. As I was leaving the sarge shouted out to me thanks. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said " well you know sarge, perhaps if we build a freaking dunkin doughnuts on this street it would give you guys a excuse to ride up here once or twice a week and keep the crime down. I then threw my shades on the ground to let him know I meant business. I feel pretty good about what I did for my neighborhood today. ~mjq jazz bar

Me and one of my friends went out today for some dinner so we stopped at a pretty nice restaurant. I don't smoke and most of the time I sit in the non smoking section but I didn't feel like walking to the back of the restaurant today so me and my friend sat at the first table we came to in the smoking section. Since most ppl should be aware that I don't smoke I didn't think I would have any problems. I was wrong. This jerk lit up a cigarette right next to me. I couldn't belive this fat jerk was disrepecting me like this so I turned around and looked him right in the eye and said " you might want to put that out fag..........That is,if you value your health". The guy said a couple of cuss words and told me to go to the non smoking section. Well that did it. I got up went over to the table and said "excuse me fag but you didn't clean your plate", and then I took his plate and bashed him over the head with it. Then his friend that was with him got up and took a swing at me, I ducked it and then gave him a swift round kick to the ribs. I then hip tossed him on the table and then I turned around and looked one of the waiters right in the eye and said "this orders to go" and then I tossed the table with the guy on it a good 14 feet across the room. As me and my friend were storming out the manager apologized to us but I told him it was too late as I would never eat there again. ~mjq jazz bar

So, I was at work yesterday, and I happened to walk by this guy's desk. I noticed on his computer screen that he had his personal E-mails pulled up. I asked him who he thought he was to do this on company time, and then, he told me that his daughter was sick at home, so he was checking up on her. I then punched his cimputer screen out, and Look him straight in the eye and said, " Who do you think I am? Jerry Lewis? I dont want to hear your sob story, so get back to work before I get you fired." He then said a few cusswords, and then, then He tried to punch me, I blocked it, then , I gave him a swift, round kick to the groin. I asked him if he wanted some more, and he came at me, again, so, I slapped him, then I hip tossed him into the nearest filing cabinent. I looked Over my should at anther worker who was standing near by, and I said...." File him under G..... for garbage." Needless to say, I was quite pleased, because now, that means there one less person in the company for people to look at. All eyes should be on me. I'm a stud. ~ mjq jazz bar

Well, I walk in to buy some tissues, and at the counter, I hear the manager talking about some skateboard punks in the back by the garbage bins. The guy said he was about to have to call the cops. I told him there's no need to, I'll take care of it myself. So, I walked to the back of the store, and lo and behold, a couple of good for nothings were tearing the place up. A couple of them asked me what I was doing here, so I took of my shades, looked them straight in eye, and said, " Well boys, I'm here to take out the trash, then I grabed one of their skateboards, and broke it over my knee. Then, one of them threw a punch at me. I caught it, and looked thr punk straight in the eye, and said " I'm afraid theres no need for you to be recycled, then I threw him straight over my head into one of the garbage dumpsters. Then, the rest of the kids ran away in fear. I was glad I could help my community, and look good doing it. ~mjq jazz bar

Around the corner from my weight training job they have a cafe where they make pretty good cheeseburgers. Usually I get mine with mushrooms and onions. Well today I went in there and there was this stoner bitch in there with enormous dreadlocks and a nose ring which is a violation of the safety code. I said 'Where is the regular chef' and she said 'I don't know' very rudely to me and that's when I noticed she had not sauteed up any onions for my burger. I said "you need to learn some customer service" and then she said some cuss words to me and told me maybe I should go to Burger King. But I like to support local businesses so I looked her straight in the eye and said "the customer is always right" and grabbed her by the dreads and slammed her face onto the skillet. She screamed and then the manager came running at me with a chopping knife so I looked him straight in the eye and said "chop this" and karate chopped his wrist and broke it immediately. I picked the girl up off of the floor and said "you are what you eat" and poured the boiling grease off of the fryer into her mouth. I was glad that I could set an example of what a good citizen should do in this situation, and everyone in the cafe applauded me. ~mjq jazz bar

Me and my friend went to fill up my corvette last night and there were these two punks there sitting on the sidewalk of the gas station with their radio blasting. I was trying to think as I pumped gas but their radio made that hard to do. I was not pleased. So I went in and payed for the gas and then I went up to the two punks outside. I said excuse me but I think you need to turn your radio down. They told me to chill, they were just hanging out and having a few smokes. I then looked them in the eye and said " I'm afraid this is the no smoking section boys" and then I kicked their radio up against the side of the gas station. Then one of them stood up and took a swing at me, I ducked it and then gave him a round kick to the stomach. Then the other one took what was left of the radio and threw it at me, I blocked it with my left hand which caused it to go sailing back and knock him out. Then a middle aged man which looked to be in his 50's came up and asked what was going on. I wasn't sure if he was with me or against me so I assumed he was against me, I then gave him a swift front kick to the groin and hip tossed him on top of the other guys there. I then walked back to my car where my friend just stood there in awe, I asked him why he didn't help me and he said it looked like I had things under control. I slapped him and pushed him to the ground and told him to walk home. I then got in my corvette turned up the radio to full blast and much to my suprise welcome to the jungle was playing. I then sped off with that song playing full blast. I felt pretty good about standing up for my rights and I looked good doing it. ~mjq jazz bar

It was a nice day today so I went for a walk out side. As I was walking, I heard somebody crying out in pain so I went to investigate, when I turned the corner I saw a kid that had fallen off his bike and he was grabbing his leg and crying. There was this guy already there and he told me that he was a doctor and he thought this kid had a broken leg. I could tell this guy was lying because he didn't have any white coat, I don't like liars so I pushed him out of the way. My training in medical school showed me that I had to get the kid's leg straight again, so I started pounding his knee to get the bone straight again. Thats when the guy that claimed to be a "doctor" called me a moron and pushed me out of the way. Well that did it. I got up, took my shades off, looked him straight in the eye and said " open wide doc" and then I gave him a swift kick to the mouth. I then grabbed him and said "time to make a house call " and then I threw him through a window of a near by house. The kid stopped crying then, I guess my pounding earlier worked. I told the kid not to thank me but I did need 20 dollars for my time. He only had 14 so I took his bike as well. I feel pretty good about fixing the kid's leg. ~mjw jazz bar

So I was sitting in the back corner of eat ‘n park a restaurant in the northeastern region and I hear this group of punk kids terrorizing their waitress, and I stumble over there and ask the beautiful lady what the problem seems to be. The kids being the adept punks they are give her a glare that tells her not to talk or else therell be problems but I know better than this and I tell them that if they don’t apologize to this beautiful belle theyre going to have to answer to me. I pull my shades out of my back pocket, slip a comb through my wet hair, and tell them they have 10 seconds to apologize. The leader of the gang a chubby kid tells me to get loss and then throws the peg game on his table at my face. “I pegged you as the wise sort, and I don’t play games!” says I, and I grab a tonfa from the cop sitting at the table next to them and tell them today’s special, punks served sunny side up, with a side of hollandaise. I crack the tonfa over two punk heads, do a roundkick, and then hiptoss the runt of the crew into the pie fridge. “Creamed or Key Limed? ” I ask the cop as he slips me a fiver and gives me a back high five. He tells me Ive done a good job as a citizen, and I kiss the beautiful waitress on the cheek, run my comb through my hair once more and leave the restaurant on my harley. ~mjq jazz bar

I was in town with one of my girlfriends today, and I decided to play one of those scratch off games again, I was very suprised when I won 1 million dollars on the spot, this was like the second time I won the lottery. I was about to claim my prize but then I thought to myself I'm already rich why not have some fun with this one? I told my girlfriend I was tired of her already so I left her at the gas station and went to find me some poor suckers. What better place than wal mart? I went up and down the asles until I found a bad dressed man and wife along with their kid. I went up to the guy and showed the guy the ticket, and told him since I didnt need the money I was going to give it to him and his family, when he started to tear up I tore up the ticket and threw the pieces on the ground. I then started to walk away but this spinless punk then took a swing at me when my back was turned. That did it. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said "feeling lucky". I then gave him a swift kick in the ribs and threw him into the pet section, I then caught a wal mart guy coming at me so I took a knife out of my jacket and threw it toward a chain holding up a sign, I then looked at the guy and said "watch out for falling prices" and then the sign fell on him and knocked him out. I left the store but not before I complained to the manager about the kind of people they let in there. ~mjq jazz bar

So, I bought a couple of dvds off some web site a few weeks ago and I was pretty upset they haven't come in the mail already. So today I stuck around the house until the mailman came, he brought me a package but it wasn't the dvds I was waiting for. I asked him what the problem was and he told me that he had no control over when the company sends me the dvds. He said I should try to contact them. That did it. I couldn't belive this guy, I pay my taxes and this guy thinks he has the right to sass me in front of my euro mansion, in my freaking driveway? I lifted up my shades, took the cigar out of my mouth, looked him straight in the eye and said " I'm afraid this package is marked return to sender", and then I threw the package in the air and sidekicked the package right into the guys face causing teeth to go everywhere. I then saw one of my ederly neighbors walking toward me so I assumed he wanted trouble as well so I gave him a swift round kick to the ribs, I then looked at him and said "time to take out the garbage" and hip tossed him into the garbage can. I then picked up the crying mailman and threw him into the garbage can, after I had my "garbage collected", I picked up the garbage can and said "let the good times roll" and threw the garbage can down the hill. I didn't see those two guys again but I don't really care, I took the mailbag and threw it in my fireplace since it was a little chilly here today. ~mjq jazz bar

Kenny Logins posted:

I make sure to put the mjqs jazz bar on the first or second page of every new iteration of the quotes thread. I did for this one (on page 2) but obviously I appreciate you reposting them here and now.

~mjq jazz bar

Snowglobe of Doom posted:

There was a thread years ago about inventing a computer game or something about apes and one poster kept updating the thread for a crazy long time, I can't remember enough exact details to find it

FactsAreUseless posted:

Counterpoint:

Solice Kirsk posted:

Without masturbation how would we have internet treasures like the disgusting chair?

Soulex posted:

No loving lie, this picture brings back memories from Iraq.

We had a CPT who was a complete loving idiot. She was rocks chewing stupid. During PT tests she would be seen out trying to "motivate soldiers" by screaming 'You can do it!' between sips of Mountain Dew and smoking cigarettes. Horrible person, didn't know how to do her job, and above all was bad at hygiene. One day she decided to punish us by listening to Beyonce's "If I were a boy" on repeat for the majority of the day. Mainly because she liked the song. And since she out ranked everyone we were forced to listen. Anyways, she gets up suddenly and blurts out "No one sit in my chair!" and rushes off. Me being a smart rear end who loves attention decided to make a big deal out of getting up out of my chair, sauntering over to hers and was about to sit down until I noticed an odd patch of discoloration. I immediately made a vomit sound and everyone came over to look. She came back in minutes later after we had sat back down and put our heads in our hands trying to process what the hell just happened and sat right back down in it with no attempts to clean it.

7 months later our MAJ comes in from his office across the way and demands that she take that chair to the dumpster. She immediately looks to one of the lower ranking enlisted (like me) and he said 'No. Your disgusting wobbly rear end can take it to the dumpster. I will not put any soldier's sanity at risk by having to throw away your disgusting menstral chair because you didn't address the issue properly or even tried to clean it up."

Goddamn that chair. We had to warn everyone coming in not to sit in it. She always offered it to people if there were no other chairs and we'd have to pretend we didn't want to sit down because no.

sweeperbravo posted:

I remember years ago I happened upon TCC and was feeling kind of directionless and vulnerable in my life, and it made me really wonder whether I should just find a way to get myself some drugs, man I'm such a square, maybe it's all fine after all. I was totally fooled by their masquerade of self control



For those concerned, in the end no I did not become drug

Syd Midnight posted:

Hector Beerlioz posted:

Millie posted:

Stylbyrthe

Miskerryge

Aubourshynne

✔ Autysmn

YeahTubaMike posted:

Speaking of dead porn stars, I appreciated this exchange in the Amber Rayne thread:



And also this reaction:

Pick posted:

Palpek posted:

Haha I made the They Live gif and went to sleep and the thread got goldmined before I could write anything in it so I guess this is the place. I'm glad you enjoyed the gifs, at some point the whole thing got a life of its own .

A GLISTENING HODOR posted:

Palpek owns.

Rap Music and Dope posted:

Gentle Pete posted about sniffing farts or something. It was obvious a joke but a dang good one.

Karate Bastard posted:

Really? I want to try it. Here: BM has such BO.

Palpek posted:

I only now noticed that The_White_Crane got a shrimp av:

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3770505&pagenumber=29&perpage=40#post459943640

It's oversized so a mod did it. He got a pretty sweet av out of the whole deal if you ask me.

Triticum Guzzler posted:

Terrible Robot posted:

I was never quite sure what to think of Enhydra lutris but I think these posts in the weed-growing thread have won me over.

Hollismason posted:

As someone who formerly worked in EMS I can assure you that it is really common to get a shampoo bottle stuck in your rectum. To avoid this common accident this is why I exclusively only use square shaped shampoo bottles in the shower or I will dump the shampoo out and place it in a zip lock bag.


It's super common and a risk that is easily avoidable if you bathe. I didn't realize it was a epidemic until I was in EMS

EmmyOk posted:

Someone recently tagged me in a buzzfeed post where they put Partridge quotes over EU Referendum photos and it's wonderful

https://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/knowing-me-knowing-eu

Xun posted:

Edit: Buttpost

PBS Newshour posted:

i hope this becomes david cameron's ground hog day

corn in the bible posted:

i thought he already did that in college

Young Freud posted:

BTW, on actual BREXIT talk, someone on Pornhub added Boris Johnson's speech to the site under the title "DUMB BRITISH BLONDE FUCKS 15 MILLION PEOPLE AT ONCE".

Guy Mann posted:

Source: The cool, funny, and definitely sane OP the the Ghostbusters hate thread after five months of almost daily posts about how terrible the new Ghostbusters movie will be