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zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
*does the awkward turtle*

quote:

My niece on my husbands side is a very smart and well behaved child. She has seven uncles and five aunts and it gives me great pride that it is well known that I am her favorite among them. I have been in her life since she was two and she doesn't remember her life without me.

Last night I was at my SIL's house having dinner with the family. My niece always wants to sit next to me and last night was no exception. She kept asking me a lot of questions which I happily tried to answer but many of them I had no way of knowing. Some examples of the questions I gave correct answers to: What is the capitol of Florida? What is 20 x 20? Who was the sixtenth President of the US? Some of the more elusive questions: What is my SIL's favorite color? What is the name of the boy she sits next to in class? And something Harry Potter related which was too obscure for me to remember.

At first I fielded her questions but after a while I figured something was up because she kept bombarding me with them. I asked her where all the questions were coming from. She replied that her mom and dad had said I was not very smart and she wanted to see if that was true. Needless to say, I was very shocked. Surprisingly everyone at the table heard her. I looked at my SIL and BIL and they had deer-in-the-headlights looks on their faces. I told my niece that I might not be the brightest person I know but it's actually not up to anyone, including herself, to test me on it. It was awkward after that.

My SIL and BIL are falling all over themselves trying to either make it up to me or make excuses for what my niece misinterpreted or being overall generally apologetic. I'm not sure what it was that was said to make my niece believe I'm dumb but I'm pretty sure it wasn't something they directly told her, merely something that was overheard. Not that that really makes it okay but I can't imagine they would purposefully taint my image to her. I have always had a great relationship with my SIL and BIL and they have never been less than welcoming when I joined their family.

My question is what do I do about this now? Did I handle this okay at the time or could I have improved a few things? I am feeling pretty low because I had no idea SIL and BIL felt this way. My husband had some words with them when we left and I can tell that they feel really bad about everything. They've individually tried to call me but I didn't pick up the phone because I was hurt enough that I didn't want to talk to them. I didn't get to talk much to my niece after dinner and I hope she doesn't feel at fault for any of this. She definitely knew she said something she wasn't supposed to. I'm hoping this will all blow over in time.

Just in case anyone is wondering. I have never had my IQ tested or any kind of formal intelligence test but if I had to guess I would place my self squarely in the average range.

tl;dr: Niece tested me on my general knowledge because her parents think I'm an idiot.

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zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
A two-parter that is a pro-read zone.

My (57F) daughter (30F) is getting married for the third time. I do not want to pay for her wedding! Feel like a bad parent

quote:

I should start by saying that my daughter is an only child. She has always been our "princess," so to speak, and she's received everything material that a girl could ask for. Before you criticize my husband (her father) and I for spoiling her, we DO realize that we shouldn't have given her everything from a young age but we didn't know any better back then. And we had the money, we're quite well off - so we figured why not support our only child?

My husband owns his own business and I am a schoolteacher. Together we make decent money, and I am looking to retire in the near future. When we first started out I stayed at home and my husband worked an office job, and so my daughter has been pampered with all of my attention and her father's support. She is now going to be married for the third time in her short life. Her only job is occasionally supply teaching in the same school board I work at, so she doesn't have much of a big career yet but I do hope she will find work.

I'll spare you the long of it. She married her high school boyfriend at 22 years old, and they divorced less than two years later in a bitter fight. The wedding was lavish, as it was her first and we truly believed that they would make it work. I guess my husband and I also saw through rose-coloured glasses since we were married very young as well, and are approaching our 35th anniversary. My husband and I pitched in around $25,000 for the wedding ceremony and reception, and perhaps another $3,000 for their honeymoon to Europe.

The second time she was proposed to by another man she was dating, he was a hard-working blue collar man but his family didn't have much money. Again she asked if we could help out with her wedding, that it was true love this time around. We met the man and he was a stand-up, wholesome person and so, a year after that, my daughter (then 27) was married to this second husband. We paid for most of the wedding costs and the honeymoon, to the tune of $43,000.

Her then-husband's mother was a nurse, and his father was a deadbeat. They didn't provide much when it came to the wedding itself, and I admit, the husband and I did harbor ill will toward the fact that her husband's father's name was clearly printed on the reception and invitations as a 'generously contributing' member of the wedding party. But that's another story..

And they divorced because of money issues less than 3 years later. We, tired by this time, forked over money for her divorce costs and tried to regroup our finances. We do have a comfortable nest egg saved up for our post-retired life (I would like to travel the world and maybe buy a small lake house with my husband, he also enjoys woodworking as a hobby), but now my daughter who has begun dating another man has excitedly showed us that she is engaged once again! The man in question proposed less than a year into their dating and she is elated more than anything, because after her second divorce she didn't think any man would want her anymore.

My daughter has hinted at wedding costs and brings home bridal magazines and ideas for cakes and dresses and venues, and I want to be happy for her happiness, but there's a voice inside me that is screaming ENOUGH. We have spent almost over $140,000 of my husband's and my money for my daughter's two failed marriages - wedding, reception, honeymoon costs, divorce costs - and I cannot believe she is thinking of planning another lavish ceremony at our expense. I've tried suggesting maybe this time she should opt for a small backyard ceremony this time, but she turns it around on us and says that we don't believe in her happiness and that we are being cheap, as she is our only daughter and her father and I are quite well-off. Which, to be fair, she is right. I am at a loss of what to say to her.

tl;dr: Twice-married and divorced only daughter is getting married for a third time, where the first two times her affluent father and I paid for a majority of the wedding costs and divorce costs. This time around we want to convince her to have a smaller ceremony but she says we are being cheap and that we don't care for her happiness. Feel like a bad parent.

update

quote:

Hello, it's been a long time. I wanted to retroactively thank everyone for the advice and the anger (must admit that hearing others rage about my situation was pretty cathartic for me). I wasn't going to log back in to post an update, I couldn't even recall the password for this throwaway account but so many of you gave me excellent advice that I feel I must give an update sad as it is.

Long story short, my daughter is getting her third divorce. We are no longer on speaking terms and she has broken our hearts.

Short story long, as many of you predicted, she threw a great big tantrum when her father and I told her explicitly that we would not be paying for the wedding this time around. We said we would buy her a wedding dress and the cake, but that that would be the end of it. That whatever else she wanted would have to come from her and her husband's pocketbook. She said we don't care for her happiness, she cried, she said that we were selfish, everything all of you said was going to happen - all these things hurt so much to hear because they aren't true, we do care very much for her but enough was simply enough. She went so far as to chuck her wedding planner binder into the backyard pool, which was grotesque to watch.

We asked to meet the fiance in question over dinner - what a gem he was. Tattoos all over his knuckles and his neck, showed up to meet us in sweatpants and an ill-fitting hoodie, didn't even shake our hand or introduce himself properly. He looked like trailer trash.

When we asked what his occupation was, he said he was a "sound technician" which made me feel embarrassed for being so prejudiced, but after a quick conversation at the dinner table (where he behaved in the most disgusting manner), turns out that he is a freelance DJ. At 39 years old I believe one should at least be put together, not living with other roommates and working at clubs on weekends. My daughter, I do not know what was wrong with her. She looked at him with such adoring eyes as if he were the best thing since sliced bread. We doubted that he could provide for himself let alone a family.

I don't know if this was a sign, but the sight of this man-boy solidified our decision to not finance a drop of our daughter's third wedding. We still agreed to pay for the cake and the dress, but no more. We even had doubts that maybe this thug was only planning to marry our daughter for the money. We assumed it was true when we found out she had been paying for a few months' worth of his rent that he could not afford to pay out of her own pocket. Like I said, I don't know what was wrong with her.

We gave her a budget of $13,000 for a beautiful dress and maybe another $2,000 for the cake. The wedding planning itself was a disaster as my daughter had a meltdown over every single little thing that went wrong even though we tried to tell her that she could use the $15,000 budget to plan the entire wedding instead of just spending it on the dress and cake alone (that was our intention), that maybe she could scale back the dress and cake for a more humble affair. Maybe it would teach her the value of a dollar.

She would not budge. She did not invite us to the wedding, let alone the reception. We don't even know how it was, as we were not shown any photographs afterward. I spent the entire week crying when I found out she had left us out of the wedding party. She came back a few times with a U-Haul and her disgusting husband to take her possessions from our home and moved in with him.

While my husband and I were gone on a vacation to New Orleans right before Christmas, we had received several voicemails all from our daughter. Her voice was slurring, as if she had been heavily drinking or on drugs. She said that she was going to divorce as he was a "loving deadbeat" who couldn't even treat her to a nice dinner. She said she's had to sell her engagement ring to pay the rent, that she is still living with his roommates, and that - this is the part that just sends me into anger - "that if only we had paid for her wedding and helped her buy a home with him (this wasn't even discussed between us, I do not know where she got this idea from) that she would have made this marriage last." If we had given her MORE money.

My god. What have we done. I am shaking with anger just typing this. My husband wanted to leave her a seething voicemail. I talked him out of it. As far as we know, she has moved forward with the divorce. We will be here for her, we will take her back into our homes, but only if she wishes. At this point we have heard nothing from her and she does not pick up her phone. It is so easy to blame ourselves for being bad parents and I just feel so awful. She is our only child, and if any of our nieces or nephews behaved this way to our siblings we would have cut them out of the family in a second. But we can't. She is our only child, now 31 years old and a thrice-divorcee. It pains me so much what has happened over the last year. I feel like I've lost a daughter.

tl;dr: Daughter is going through with her third divorce even after her father and I gave her a $15,000 budget for her wedding. She is no longer speaking to us after sending us a voicemail that blamed us for not helping her with the entire wedding finances and buying a new home for her that we've never discussed. Husband and I feel like we no longer have a daughter.

fake? probably. still amazing.

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
We are planning a "big wedding" but in a way that won't put us in debt because we love parties and planning stuff. I hope this does not offend GBS.

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

DOMDOM posted:

Lady with the moron straight edge boyfriend who hid her meds posted an update. She brought up how she thought it was wrong of him and he disagreed and broke up with her. :lol:

They are both better off now :sun:

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

quote:

I just went on my second date with this girl. For months now we have been talking almost nightly on the phone, and it has been great.

The only thing is sometimes she would quite oddly blow up over nothing.. She blamed it on "it's just how black people are" which I found irritating to say the least.

On our second date she admitted to me that she patched her sister in on our calls almost every single time. I felt like this was a bit of an invasion of privacy and was annoyed.

Not just that, but the more I thought of it.. Was this why she used to blow up over things? Was it because she felt she was proving something to her sister? And was this an invasion of privacy I am right to feel quite irritated by?

tl;dr: Girl used to blow up over small things, then I admitted she always had her sister on the phone with us. Is this an invasion of privacy? And was she trying to play things up for her sister?

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

corn on the cop posted:

knew i was going to enjoy this one when i read the title

:sever:

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

WAY TO GO WAMPA!! posted:

Should I [20M] lose virginity to [38F].... No Condoms


NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

Larry Parrish posted:

Are there Chinese that aren't Chinese or something. What the hell.

Maybe Taiwan or something?

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

Lysistrata posted:

Apparently this can be a problem with people whose upbringings have been steeped in religious beliefs that restrict sexuality. I remember reading an Ask/Tell thread (I think by Fascinator?) about some sort of Jewish fundamentalist community that was riddled with this problem when it came to young men consummating their marriages. They couldn't bring themselves to do it because they'd been told all their lives that it was wrong and they couldn't overcome the inhibition.

It's really sad that these people are made to be so frightened of something that should be so enjoyable and intimate. Sex should be a good thing, not something buried in stories about sin and shame.

There's also the fact that a lot of these people just don't know how to do it, beyond "insert tab A into slot B."

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
NO POLY CHAT YOU MORONS

this is how the last thread got closed

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

:sever:

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
The thread's going to get closed if y'all don't knock this off.

Have a terrible husband!

Husband [26m] is upset with me [23f] because of all the "unnecessary" attention I give to our babies [8 month old trips]? Trying to understand him...

quote:

My husband and I have three children, 2 girls and a boy. They're triplets, all 8 months old. I am a stay at home mom, and he works full time.

I would be lying if I said they aren't everything to me now, despite being an unplanned pregnancy. My husband is still a major priority in my life however, and we still have time for things like sex and movie nights at times. Especially since I've had my children, I've tried to make sure I was showing my efforts to him that we would still have our own time.

However, that has still not stopped some of our problems we've been having about the kids. I am doing extended breastfeeding, letting them wean on their own time. Since there are three of them I usually feed two and bottle feed breast milk to the third. He is so obseesed with feeding them strictly solids, which I understand, but we had already talked about breastfeeding them until they were ready beforehand. He went and bought all this baby food and gets so upset whenever I start breastfeeding them (even though they do eat some solid foods and meals, its not just strictly breastmilk).

I put them down for bed around 8 (he gets off at 7) I usually feed them, attempt to read them all a story, and then give them all some sort of back rub/massage until they're all asleep. Sometimes it may take a little longer if one of them is fussy. We still have some time to ourselves when I'm finally back in the bedroom, but for some reason he doesn't like when I "keep him waiting" for too long? He wants me to just put them in their cribs and let them cry themselves to sleep, which I told him I would never do.

Yesterday was the last straw for us. They had kept on waking up in the middle of the night crying, I had no idea what was wrong, so I just held them for a while until they went back to sleep, and ended up falling asleep in the room with them. When we woke up, I started breastfeeding them, and not long after my husband walked in. Long story short, he thinks I'm spoiling them, that I'm too attached, that I'm giving them way too much attention than necessary. I told him to get the hell over it, and that he's crazy if he thinks I would ever put his needs above theirs. I realize that was harsh. I was just upset, I didn't know why he started going off for.

I know the stress of theee babies is probably getting to us, and we're both just tired, but the arguments are really starting to get old. He always seemed to avoid the kids a little, but I don't want to assume it's from jealousy.
I guess I just need some second opinions, on what I could do differently with us.

tl;dr: Babies are starting to cause husband and I to have more arguments, don't know how to fix what I said yesterday morning.

"Feeding our babies? YOU'LL SPOIL THEM"

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

Gaunab posted:

Some goon got lucky

WE WERE ON A BREAK

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

Pick posted:

Focus on the dog. By the time police arrested Sarma Melngailis and Anthony Strangis on May 10 of this year on fugitive-from-justice warrants at a Tennessee hotel, where they’d been holed up for 40 days and 40 nights, this is how insane their marriage had become: Melngailis, 43, the radiantly blonde poster woman for vegan living, a Manhattan restaurateur, and a Wharton graduate, says she had come to believe—really, really believe—that her pit bull, Leon, was on the cusp of being made immortal. This Lazarus-ian feat, and more, would be accomplished by her husband, Strangis, 35, a gambler with a criminal past she’d met on Twitter five years earlier.

The two were accused by the Brooklyn District Attorney’s Office of draining Melngailis’s 12-year-old raw-vegan restaurant, Pure Food and Wine, of nearly $2 million, stiffing employees, duping investors, going on the lam, and spending lavishly on hotels, watches, and casinos. After they left town, in May of 2015, Melngailis went from feminist business icon to clickbait—the “Vegan Vixen” and the “vegan Bernie Madoff.” (Attorneys for Melngailis and the attorney for Strangis deny all charges.)


News. Hollywood. Style. Culture.
For more high-profile interviews, stunning photography, and thought-provoking features, subscribe now to Vanity Fair magazine.
It was an attention-getting story because of the delicious reek of hypocrisy. “She is guilty of conduct unbecoming a vegan,” one of the jilted investors, a Boston software entrepreneur, told me. It was widely reported that, just before the arrest, the couple had ordered a Domino’s pizza. Actually, the non-raw, non-vegan cheesy pie (plus a side of chicken wings) was only for the 300-plus-pound Strangis, who placed the order using his real name, thus leading authorities to their hotel, the Fairfield Inn & Suites Pigeon Forge, just down the road from Dollywood, in the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains. Melngailis, alerted to a police presence by Leon’s barking while she was reading a book she’d bought at Goodwill, had been subsisting on vegan bowls from a nearby Chipotle. She begged the officers to treat the dog with care. Brooklyn district attorney Ken Thompson announced, “They were finally caught and we intend to now hold them accountable for this outrageous thievery and fraud.”

“SHE IS GUILTY OF CONDUCT UNBECOMING A VEGAN,” AN INVESTOR SAID.
It was a severe comedown. During Melngailis’s stint in the Sevier County Jail, where she was held for nine days before being transferred to Rikers, some of her female cellmates taunted her, asking if it was true that vegans taste better. Their nickname for her was Sweet Pussy. But to former employees who used to call her Sarmama for turning the workplace into a surrogate family, and social-media followers who lusted after her vegan-deluxe life of tight dresses, biodynamic wines, TV appearances, and customers such as Tom Brady and Chelsea Clinton, the unanswered questions have been how Melngailis got involved with Strangis and why she stayed.

“I don’t know how she got mixed up with Anthony,” Strangis’s own stepmother, Ellie Strangis, said. “A woman like her—what did she see in Anthony?”

“Sarma lost her mind,” said the novelist Porochista Khakpour, a close friend. “She really believed that her dog would live forever.”

A source close to Melngailis describes a scenario in which Strangis resorted to cult-like techniques, including gaslighting, sleep deprivation, and sexual humiliation, to control her. (Strangis, through his court-appointed attorney, Samuel Karliner, denied all these allegations but did not elaborate on his denials in responding to 80 questions from Vanity Fair.) Perhaps if you can understand how a sane, successful businesswoman comes to believe the insane idea that her dog can live forever, everything else snaps into focus—how that person might be accused of bilking her investors of $844,000, owe her employees more than $40,000 in unpaid wages, financially strip her restaurant, and now find herself awaiting trial, with a potential 15-year sentence. She had thought all harm would be magically reversed, just as Leon’s life span would be extended, according to her camp.

The arrest was a cold wake-up. After a court hearing in August, she spoke in a monotone, as if emerging, stunned, from a bunker: “Everything I worked for, and everything I cared most about, except Leon, is gone.”


Melngailis with Leon, N.Y.C., 2011.
By Mark Cuddihee Sr.
MR. AND MRS. FOX

Melngailis first gained notice when she appeared with her boyfriend, the chef Matthew Kenney, on the cover of their cookbook, Raw Food, Real World: 100 Recipes to Get the Glow, in 2005. The restaurant they founded, Pure Food and Wine, had opened a year earlier in the ground floor and vast back garden of a Gramercy Park town house on Irving Place. Inside, the bar scene hosted yoga-sleek patrons sipping signature cocktails, like the Master Cleanse Tini (organic sake with lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper in a martini glass rimmed with crystal date sugar). In the garden, lit by candle lights, the likes of Anne Hathaway, Stevie Wonder, and Rooney Mara could be seen gracefully masticating such offerings as cauliflower couscous with pickled Persian cucumbers and cultured tree-nut cheeses. On warm evenings, it felt as privileged a place to be as gated Gramercy Park itself. It was profitable, too, often serving more than 200 covers on a night and, with related businesses, yielding revenues of around $7 million and profits of about $500,000 annually, a former manager said.

Melngailis, sometimes sitting at a corner table in the garden, more often playing the role of gracious host around the bar even though small talk exhausted her, was at the center of it all. Back at Newton North High School, outside Boston, from which she graduated in 1990, she’d had a blue Mohawk. Taciturn in person, she loved a book called Party of One: The Loners’ Manifesto, a treatise on how the quiet ones change the world. But on the cookbook cover, Melngailis, now blonde, did glow.

After a personal and professional split with Kenney the same year the book came out—she claimed that the relationship drained her savings—Melngailis kept the restaurant, vowing that it would spearhead a raw-vegan movement. (She also opened three juice bars, called One Lucky Duck, and a brand of snacks sold in Whole Foods markets.) But her blog revealed struggles. In 2007, prompted by an e-mail she had received that said, “Your life is my dream life!” she wrote, “And so I’m thinking, these people would all probably choke on their flaxcrackers if they knew that not only am I walking around often feeling entirely spent, weary and even on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but that I’m also carrying a few hundred thousand dollars of personal debt . . . that I’m full of burning rage to build this empire . . . with a residual and occasionally reappearing destructive closet eating disorder.”

As a relationship with a man 13 years her junior was fraying in 2010, Melngailis met Alec Baldwin, at her restaurant, and accompanied him to a staged reading of Moby Dick in the Hamptons. He soon confided in late-night conversations how much he wanted a wife and children. Her advice to the actor was to get a dog. He resisted, but she became obsessed with the online photo of a red-nosed, brown pit bull named Quinn at a shelter in Brooklyn. “One night I woke up crying at like 4am,” she wrote in another blog entry. “My boyfriend woke up too and asked me what was wrong. I told him, ‘It’s Quinn.’ ”

She adopted him. Heartbroken when the boyfriend left, she had her puppy, renaming him Leon. “She wasn’t someone who dated a lot of people,” Baldwin told me. “She worked at the restaurant, did the books, went home, and passed out with her dog.”

“MRS FOX BE IN LOVE WITH MR FOX,” MELNGAILIS TWEETED. “CAN’T BE HELPED.”
After Baldwin met his future wife, Hilaria Thomas, at Pure Food and Wine, in 2011, he set up a Twitter account for her. One of Hilaria’s first followers was a clever guy with the handle @DiscipleOfTodd, who’d already been interacting with @AlecBaldwin. “At the beginning it seemed like this fun thing,” Hilaria recalled. “He seemed nice. He used to make us laugh.” Soon, @Sarma was following this fellow who used various humorous names, including Mr. Fox and Mr. LongBottoms.

Mr. Fox seemed to know just what to tweet to win @Sarma’s heart. On October 28, 2011, Melngailis blew a Twitter kiss to Mr. Fox (@UKnowUWant_It) for guessing why she named her dog Leon—even though she’d posted on her easily searchable blog a year earlier that it was from Léon: The Professional, the Luc Besson film about a hit man. “I <3 anyone who guesses. usually i get ‘like, Kings of Leon?’ ”

According to Melngailis’s camp, Mr. Fox was Strangis, perhaps using Twitter to play six degrees of Alec Baldwin, figuring that somewhere in the actor’s orbit was someone valuable. (Strangis’s attorney denies that his client used these Twitter handles or aliases, or that he insinuated himself into Baldwin’s circle.) If so, the ploy worked. On November 12, Melngailis tweeted, “Mrs Fox be in love with Mr Fox. Can’t be helped.”


SALAD DAYS
Garden dining at Pure Food and Wine, N.Y.C., 2004.
By Phil Mansfield/The New York Times/Redux.
When Strangis was about three years old and living in a raised ranch house in Brockton, Massachusetts, a suburb of Boston, he pulled a pair of dice out of his pocket and uttered, “Baby needs a new pair of shoes.” His mother, Patricia, aghast, knew her husband, John, a local policeman, gambled. But this? “He was holding Anthony in one arm and rolling the dice with the other,” she recalled. The couple was married for seven years, having one child. Around 1984, when she informed John she was leaving, Patricia said, “he pulled out a gun. First he put it to my head. He put it in my mouth. He pushed me back in the chair. And he had the gun pointed at me. Anthony came running out. John pulled up this ottoman and we sat there three or four hours.” Finally he walked out, and she called the police. “They called John. He came back and ripped the phone out of the house.” (The lawyer for Strangis denies his mother’s version of events.)

As a kid, Strangis would live with both parents. (His mother tried but failed to secure full custody rights.) In 2004, Strangis, then 23 (he never graduated from college), was said to be living with his father in the Orange Acres trailer park, in Sarasota, Florida, when he met Stacy Avery, a young mother separated from her husband, at a gym. She said that he came on so strong that she agreed to marry him in Las Vegas a few months after they met. She was taking birth control, she said, but Strangis pushed her to stop. Then, after she became pregnant, she alleges, he pawned her jewelry, telling her he was due to inherit $5 million from an aunt. “He went as far as to take me to Raymond James”—the financial-advisory firm—“and to say he wants his money invested in this stock and that stock,” Stacy Strangis said. “One account was to be for my daughter for her college.” Strangis had moved in with her (“I had a house; he didn’t have a house,” Stacy said, bitterly), and things got creepier. There was the time at his father’s trailer when he theatrically tripped over a heating vent. “He lifts the vent up,” Stacy said, “and it had a grenade in it. He said, ‘They are out to get me.’ ” She scoffed, pointing out that it was an antique with no pin and that she knew he had put it there. Even so, she started questioning her own sanity: “You say, ‘Why am I staying with this guy? Who is they?’ ” When Stacy fell three months behind on her mortgage in 2005 and all her electronics had been pawned, she said, Strangis took off for good, leaving a healthy eight-month-old son he has apparently never visited nor sent a penny to support. (Strangis’s attorney denies the ex-wife’s allegations.)

According to Strangis’s mother, it’s possible that when her son first began communicating with Melngailis, in 2011, he was living in a van with his father near the docks in New Bedford, Massachusetts. She said that the two, who often quarreled, had been living rootlessly, traveling together from casino town to casino town. (Strangis’s attorney says his client was living with a friend.) On July 6, 2012, John Strangis Sr. was found dead in that van. An obituary said he had “died unexpectedly” at 72, but did not say of what.

When Melngailis and Strangis first met face-to-face, in New York in late November 2011, a source close to Melngailis said, he was in decent shape, though not as rugged as he’d appeared online. According to Leo Candidus, Melngailis’s confidant since high school, she told Strangis, when they got into bed after a boozy night in the first weeks of their courtship, that she was in the fertile part of her menstrual cycle. She thought he would understand this to mean he should not ejaculate inside her, Candidus said. Instead, he did not pull out. (Strangis’s attorney denies this account.) Without conferring with him, Melngailis, angry, had an abortion on January 12, 2012. But soon, the source said, Strangis was promising to give her enough money to become independent of meddling investors, help anyone she wanted, and pay off her debts, including those related to a $500,000 mortgage she says she had taken to bail Kenney out of a floundering investment in a Maine restaurant property, and more than $1 million to Jeffrey Chodorow, the original backer of Pure Food and Wine. By April 2012, according to Melngailis’s camp, none of this money had materialized. (Strangis’s attorney denies these promises were made.) By then, she had told Strangis she’d terminated the pregnancy, and stopped responding to his messages. “I love my dog,” she tweeted. “Leon will never lie to me.” The breakup didn’t take. A city of New York marriage license was issued on December 5, 2012. Melngailis told almost no one about it. “He told me if I was his wife I’d be more protected,” she said. “It was vague.” (Strangis’s attorney denies that his client made such promises.)

According to a source close to Melngailis, Strangis began to speak of a secretive brother who was an expert in surveillance, violent, and connected to mysterious forces. (In reality, his one half-brother and two half-sisters “walk the straight and narrow,” Strangis’s stepmother said.) The Melngailis source said that Strangis told Melngailis that his tech expert, “Will Richards,” detected that her computer had been hacked. She needed to e-mail Will her login passwords. At some point, Strangis had access to her e-mail, cell- phone, and bank accounts. (Strangis’s attorney denies this version of events.)

When she would protest about his plans, the source recalled, he’d say such tantrums risked knocking them off course, and asked if she’d properly taken her antidepressant, Wellbutrin, and told her she shouldn’t trust her memory, because of Ambien. He said he could tell at a glance if people were “red shirts” (bad) or “blue shirts” (good). He began to tell Melngailis that some of her family and employees were red shirts. (Strangis’s attorney denies this.) At the apple orchard that Melngailis’s mother, Susan H. Jasse, owns and runs in New Hampshire, Strangis told Jasse that he needed funds to help Melngailis, according to Jasse’s attorney, Patrick Brackley. After all, she’d had an abortion, was bulimic, and was on antidepressants. “The poor mother came to believe based on what he was saying that if he didn’t get the money for Sarma she would have a nervous breakdown,” said Brackley, adding that his client took around $450,000 out of a trust to help her daughter. (Strangis’s attorney denies his client made this request or received any money.)

A source close to Melngailis said that Strangis told Melngailis that the money she was lending him (and that he had still not paid back) was one of a series of cosmic endurance tests similar to a series he had passed years earlier. Passing meant vast rewards. “He convinced me I’d be empowered in ways I couldn’t imagine,” Melngailis explained. “I would have access to unlimited resources so that I could grow my brand all over the world, make the documentary I always wanted to make—the one that would finally change people’s ways and help eradicate factory farming. Basically, I could do all the world-changing things I’d been quietly dreaming about. I could help whoever I want, and stay young forever doing it.” (Strangis’s attorney denies these allegations.)

Another test she allegedly had to pass was giving Strangis oral sex while blindfolded, which Strangis denies, even though, as he gained weight, she was becoming repulsed by him. Unlike Melngailis, he was not a vegan. He apparently loved junk food—Subway tuna-salad sandwiches with extra mayo, for instance. A source close to Melngailis said that he told her that dealing with his obesity was a test, as was the humiliation, for her, of repeatedly asking strangers to invest in her struggling company. Another test involved his moving many of her possessions to a storage unit. The bill went unpaid, and Melngailis’s photos, clothes, and journals were sold at auction. (Strangis’s attorney denies this account.)

Meanwhile, he allegedly let her know that he and his nameless brother were constantly watching. Once, according to a source close to Melngailis, he phoned a raw-food restaurant in Los Angeles, where she was dining. She had not informed him where she was. Staffers alerted Melngailis that “Mr. Fox” was on the line. (Strangis’s attorney denies that his client was involved in this incident.) According to Melngailis’s camp, he would warn her that, if she did not continue to pass tests, forces controlled by his brother would “gut” him and come for her. He told her that Leon had been his dog in a previous life. They’d all been headed toward one another for a thousand years, through past lifetimes, and if she did as he said, “among the things I’d be granted,” Melngailis said, “Leon would also be immortal and safe to be by my side for eternity.” (Strangis’s attorney denies this account.)

According to the indictment, over time, Melngailis transferred more than $1.6 million from her business accounts to her personal bank account, and Strangis spent $1.2 million of this money at Connecticut casinos. Strangis, whom employees knew as “Shane,” was “riding around in a Suburban” and acting like the boss whenever Melngailis was out of town, said Jim Switzer, the restaurant’s operations manager at the time. After Switzer was fired (for unclear reasons), a younger employee was put in charge of accounting. On about five occasions in 2014, this employee said, he received a text from Strangis/Shane telling him to meet him at the Citibank on the south side of Union Square with a week of Pure Food and Wine cash receipts, between $3,000 and $10,000. The employee was not a trained accountant. He said he never saw Strangis make a deposit. Instead, he said, Strangis would head out to a waiting Uber. (Strangis’s attorney denies this.) By the winter of 2015, Pure Food and Wine employees had begun picketing after not receiving paychecks.

Alec Baldwin became suspicious of Melngailis’s new beau: “One time he sent us a message and said, ‘Can you recommend a broker in East Hampton?’ I said, ‘Sure. If you don’t mind my asking, what’s the price range you want to stay within?’ He messaged me back on Twitter and said, ‘About 10 million.’ I said, ‘You must be selling a lot of cucumber towers over there.’ ” (Strangis’s attorney denies Baldwin’s account.)

A frustrated Pure Food and Wine investor turned up an arrest record for Strangis in Florida and shared it with Joey Repice, the restaurant’s beverage director. Repice texted Strangis for answers. Strangis texted back threats: “If anyone is going to try and drag me into some bullshit or drag my name through the mud because of something she’s caused I’ll be immediately suing . . . I’ve broken my loving back helping her out non stop.” Repice, concerned for his longtime boss, texted: “Nothing makes sense. Where is the woman I knew the last nine years?”

During a visit to New York around May of 2015, Strangis’s half-sister McKaila Coulter said, she overheard Melngailis yelling, “You ruined my life!” and “Everyone thinks I’m crazy because of you!” But Melngailis wasn’t yelling for outside help. She was yelling for his, still wanting to know when his alleged promises for financial and emotional deliverance would come true.

If the facts are as the Melngailis camp claims, what she has suffered may be an example of what is called “coercive control,” a form of domestic violence that can manifest as a cult of one, with a spouse as brainwashed follower. “What they are basically trying to do is to close out the options so you are completely dependent on them for your sense of reality,” said Evan Stark, a professor emeritus at Rutgers, and the author of the 2007 study Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life.

I spoke by phone with Strangis, who is in prison on Rikers Island, awaiting trial because he has not come up with the $300,000 bond. His voice was confiding and sweet, like a little boy’s. But in three calls he placed to me, he never answered any questions on the record, and very few off. And there are still so many questions: Was the money gambled away or stashed? What exactly was the couple running from? Was someone threatening to “gut” Strangis? Karliner, the court-appointed lawyer, said Strangis is guilty only of liking gambling and having a rich wife in Melngailis, who indulged him and had her own expensive appetites. “No jury is going to look at her and say, ‘Oh, poor her, she was taken advantage of,’ ” Karliner told me. “She doesn’t have that history. She was too savvy a businesswoman.” But what about the claims that Strangis used coercive control to extract money and make Melngailis believe he had supernatural powers? If she were his client, Karliner said, he would put the kibosh on that: “I’ve got 12 people looking at her thinking, You’ll say anything for us to say, ‘Not guilty.’ Do you think we’re stupid?”

But Melngailis’s lawyers, Sheila Tendy and César de Castro, say they are, in fact, considering a coercive-control defense. Although there is no specific law criminalizing it in the United States, there is one in the United Kingdom (as of December 2015), which punishes “coercive and controlling behavior in an intimate or family relationship” by up to five years in prison. (Coercive control was a prominent plot point this year in the BBC radio soap opera The Archers, with a character being described as “the worst kind of abuser, because he doesn’t leave bruises.”) According to Stark, it has worked as a defense strategy. He said that up to 25 percent of domestic-abuse cases involve patterns of psychological control without physical violence.

A decade ago, men went nuts for Neil Strauss’s book The Game, about pickup artists, tantalized that there were mind-control tricks like “negging”—using vaguely insulting compliments in order to undermine self-esteem—to turn beautiful women into bedded putty. A coercive-control defense would indicate that Strangis had taken The Game to its extreme. Tendy told me, “He combined the best techniques of cult leaders—abusive partner control, manipulation, and con artist—along with the worst tactics of prosperity theology, meaning, When you give me your money, you’ll get 10 times back next week.” Karliner says that such claims make “her even freakier than him.”

Outside an August 10 hearing at the Brooklyn Supreme Court, Assistant District Attorney Meredith McGowan wryly observed of Strangis: “Well, he hasn’t lost any weight at Rikers.” In Tennessee, Strangis allegedly told Melngailis that they’d probably have to endure one more “shot to the gut” before the transformation was granted. (Strangis’s attorney denies that this statement was made.)

Melngailis’s own hearing had been an hour earlier, so she was not there to see her husband looming before he was escorted back to Rikers, where she had spent five days in May before posting $350,000 bail. The New York Post reported that the couple would be divorcing, which a source close to Melngailis confirmed. At a subsequent hearing, the judge announced that if no plea deals were reached a trial would start in early 2017. The October 9 cancer death of District Attorney Thompson won’t slow the prosecution, because acting D.A. Eric Gonzalez, Thompson’s former chief assistant, had been weighing in on the case all along, an office spokesperson said.

Melngailis, who could face up to 15 years in prison for grand larceny and fraud, said she is grateful that the madness is finally over. Suicide, she admitted, had occurred to her: “Imagine suddenly realizing, My dog isn’t going to live forever, I’m not eternally safe, all my dreams and visions that he promised me he’d make happen are not happening, and this colossal mess isn’t all just going to be undone, like he always said it would be. It’s like waking up into a nightmare.” As of October, she was living in a small upper Manhattan rental, hoping to find a way to pay everyone back and regularly feeding Leon yams to help with his digestion.

What?

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
Wife needs to give the husband a Stone Cold Stunner and kick him to the curb imo

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
Racism outta nowhere! And they're already engaged oh jeez

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

HardDiskD posted:

Me (28f) and my coworker (29MtF) are at a loss at what to do with a (early20M) new hire who is taking advantage of the restroom situation.

If HR told Bob that Linda was trans that's a massive violation of privacy.

Also, being a creep in the bathroom is bad/illegal no matter what gender you are. If Bob is lawsuit baiting he's really bad at it.

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
I don't want to call fake or anything but how can multiple friends respond to "he's creeping me out" with "you're wrong, give him another chance."

jesus

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

What was he like before he got married? Why do these people get married?

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

lohli posted:

His not letting her out isn't really the start of this, and given his reaction as poo poo unfolds I'm assuming his not letting her out might have been out of a concern for her wellbeing(because I'm assuming she has a history of self-harming tantrums), he might have wanted reassurance that she wasn't going to go jump off a bridge or sit in the garden carving chunks out of herself, and her attitude of "I don’t want to tell him.... you were “too busy” playing your stupid game to come out and apologize to me, then I don’t want to tell you where I’m going. I’m only planning on going downstairs, but the principle, y’know?" was something that probably did nothing to assuage those concerns.

It seems like they both had plenty of opportunities to defuse things and should have talked to eachother like grown-rear end adults who had a problem to resolve.

Shut up dude

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
:wrongful:

I [20F] am an extremely picky eater, and it is making life difficult

quote:

Okay. So. I'm going to get the obvious out of the way. I was a bit of a spoiled child, and my parents a lot of the time made me separate meals. I've always been an insanely picky eater, and its gotten better and worse. It fluctuates. It bothers me that I'm such a picky eater, and I want to change.

With cooking - I'm not very good at it. Nobody ever taught me. So I don't really know how to go about cooking anything in the first place.

The next obvious thing is to order things whenever I'm out eating somewhere (either at a restaurant or at someone elses house). Now - In the past when I've tried things in private - I gagged and made a big face. I'm really scared of doing that in public, or offending someone. Also - when it comes to eating out - It just feels 'safer' to order something I'm familiar with. So I'm not going to be paying a lot for something I may not like.

It is just really embarrassing, and has always gotten in the way of my life. Trust me - if you're annoyed with your picky eater friend/gf/bf - they're 10x more embarrassed than you are. I've denied over night trips with friends, sat there hungry for hours, and avoided events because of food. I cannot go into situations with out assessing the food situation. Food is a VERY social activity, and I hate it.

I've never dated before, and I want to start. But this glaring "FOOD" issue is embarrassing. I also want to lose weight, but its hard when my "safe" foods aren't healthy.

It isn't like the people around me are insane eaters. Nobody around me is trying to get me to eat deer, octopus, or squid. However - right now all Asian (Korean/Chinese/Japanese/etc), Arabic, and Mexican food sounds about as insane to me as someone asking you to eat a human eyeball probably does. It is all reasonable things. I know, at my age, I'll probably never be a "super" eater. I'll probably never try every little thing. I just want to be able to manage to function as an adult. My goal isn't to be a super eater who is willing to try to eat everything, try anything, etc. I want to be able to go to any situation and find SOMETHING to eat with out other people pressuring me, or having to go out of their way to eat somewhere.

I get freaked out when people try to push me to eat new foods. When I was younger - people did try to get me to eat more. However - A lot of people got frustrated and angry with me. So I feel like it slightly "freaked me out" when it comes to food. My mom also embarrassed me a few times by making a big deal out of telling my friends parents and stuff. It was embarrassing (even when I was like 15.) So now a lot of the time I feel very anxious when it comes to unfamiliar food.

(I say that as an explanation - not an excuse. I'm an adult. I should eat like an adult - not a six year old).
Sometimes I want to try what other people are making, but I feel like my family would make a big deal out of it.
I just don't know how to deal with it. It feels like a genuine fear when I'm going to eat new foods. There are specific 'types' of food I'm okay/not okay with.

I'm about to start husband and friend shopping at a SED meeting lol.

tl;dr: I'm a picky eater, and it is getting in the way of me creating a social life.

Hey she's trying! I'm sympathetic, it can be hard to overcome aversions.

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
This thread is getting uncomfortable

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

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They should probably get someone else to do the firing if possible?

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

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If that strip club doesn't have some of age verification for their dancers they're dumb as heck and going to get sued.

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

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What clowns are running these banks? Jesus

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

quote:

Last week it was my birthday and my boyfriend knows I love tigers. So for my birthday he organised with his work a little session for me to meet a baby tiger. It was one of the animals he works with. They said it was fine and they trust him to make sure everything was OK.

My birthday comes around and my boyfriend was working that day. My sister was driving and my brother was in the car with us. They told me they had a surprise and took me to where my boyfriend works. Long story short I was taken to this little room with grass, and my boyfriend entered through the door with a baby tiger.

My boyfriend showed us this baby tiger. He told us to do this weird sound towards it. He told us that it's tiger talk to say that you basically are friendly, I'm not here to hurt you. My brother instead made like this loud growling sound. The tiger started to squirm and it scratched my boyfriend. That's normal he comes home with scratches and little bites sometimes so I'm use to it.

He managed to calm her down a little by giving her food. He was giving me and my sister information about her. How big she was going to get, how she kills prey, how long they live for. How old she was 3 months old. He told us we would see rather quickly why having wild animals as pets is not a good idea. He was telling us how he can see what she's thinking with the way her ears are positioned. We took turns giving her a little pat.

My brother continued to be a douche and he grabbed the tigers ears and it went to bite him. My boyfriend told him to get out and told him he should count his lucky stars she's not big enough to take his hand off. It did not bite him but it almost did. This point the tiger had enough and was annoyed. So he took her away.
I'm really annoyed with my brother and he seems to think he did nothing wrong. He thinks my boyfriend was overreacting. How do I handle my brother? He does not think he owes an apology to anyone.

TL;DR: Idiot brother grabbed the tigers ears and almost got bit. My boyfriend told us what to do and what not to do. He went against everything. He does not think he owes my boyfriend or myself an apology.

My brother is literally an adult baby help reddit

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
There are legit problems with the sex offender registry. Not so much about public urination, but more about teenagers and kids making bad decisions and having their lives ruined. Even if they get off the list their history is one Google search away.

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

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Can we not turn this thread into r/fatpeoplehate

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

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ikanreed posted:

I have two bedrooms for one person. Am I a monster?

First against the wall.

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

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Ah yes nothing rekindles a relationship like their kid's funeral. Jesus Christ

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

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Maybe I'm a big softie but fears aren't always rational and if my fiancee called me and begged me to come home because she was freaked out I'd go

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

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Gaunab posted:

At least he went to relationships instead of redpill

The guy is self-aware and trying to improve. I can't really be mad.

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

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Chomp8645 posted:

Maybe he was abducted by aliens during his bathroom trip and experimented on in terrifying and humiliating ways. Maybe he was trapped on their ship for months until he was reduced to a broken husk of a man, perpetually shivering and weeping. Driven mad by pain and degradation. He was ready, nay, yearning for death when they came for him the last time. He whispered "I love you [16 year senior partner's name]", though she was at this point a distant and blurry memory, and lunged at the grey-skin. He hoped they would simply kill him for his transgression and thus release him for his unending hell. He prayed only that the end would be quick and painless.

But the end did not come. In one deft motion the grey-skin slid an appendage over his forehead and all went black. When he awoke he was in the bathroom once again. Thanks to alien's Time Dilation Device only 15 minutes had passed on Earth during the time he had endured months of torture and agony. When they sent him back they buried the memories and replaced them with one of a typical (if extended) bathroom break. The man had forgotten everything. Then came the voice at the door...

"Is everything ok?"

He paused for a moment. Something deep within him stirred but nothing came forth. It was a strange feeling but one quickly dismissed. Why would anything not be ok?

"Fine", he said. "Just using the bathroom".

He washed up and returned to the bedroom. The woman turned to him "what took you so long? Oh never mind, just come lie down". He froze. Lie down. "What did you say?" he replied, startled. She gave him a quizzical look. "Well I just curious what was taking so long, and you left so suddenly..." she trailed off. "No," he cut in, "I don't mean the bathroom. I don't want to talk about the bathroom. What did you say after that?". The woman's frown deepened, the confusion plain on her face, "come lie down?" she timidly replied. "Please just come lie down".

The man's head pounded. His brain felt like it was swelling up against his skull with nowhere to go. A distant memory came rushing forth. "LIE DOWN" commanded the grey-skin in his strange, chittering voice. "Lie down, human. Lie down on the table." Suddenly disjointed images of all manners flashed before him. The knives, the holding tanks, the strange and viscous fluids... the orb.

He rolled over and clutched the blankets tighter. How did end up lying down, he wondered. Was he not just standing? Maybe they suspect, maybe she suspects. Best to play dumb. The programming is still too strong.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"Nothing", he replied. "I don't want to talk about it".

Probably not.

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

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WAY TO GO WAMPA!! posted:

My father [43m] uses Freudian psychology to explain my depression and I'm [18f] so loving tired. He thinks I have an electra complex.

I hope she gives her idiot dad a Stone Cold Stunner and drops him at the first opportunity

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
Whatta maroon :sever:

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
What is an Internet paternity test?

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
The entire family needs a series of Stone Cold Stunners.

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
Do you guys think a hot dog is a sandwich?

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

quote:

First, a summary. My wife [33] and I [35] had a planned child, our daughter, now 4 months. I first expressed concern when I noticed my wife did not engage with our daughter is the same way I or my MIL did. There were multiple reasons behind this, including my wife's personal beliefs about child-rearing and her expectations of what child-rearing would consist of.

Gonna need more details here.

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zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

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Ok, Autistic Dad is so perfectly "logical" that it has to be a troll.

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