thread for evil wizards

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naem: May 29, 2011

Hihohe posted:

I supplement my Crystal guardians with the average goblin minions. You gotta a love the little guys. I think one of them is a member on SA.

Just remember NEVER teach them magic. Goblin shamans are cool and all but they always get too big for their britches and bugger off with a handful of your lessers.

Goblins are fun but I know a guy who had some working for him unionize and what a NIGHTMARE haha

I mean a metaphorical nightmare not, you know a dark spooky dream (those are fun)

# ¿ Mar 2, 2017 02:03

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# ¿ May 22, 2024 15:02

naem: May 29, 2011

Automatic Slim posted:

Goblins have to eat and poo poo. Have you ever smelled goblin poo poo? Undead servants and magical automatons are the only way to go.

I usually go with inter-dimensional goblins, who pop into this plane of existence and pop out when their shift is done (they eat and poop back home mostly).

Problem is they're "independent contractors" and that is tax time nightmare (again not the fun kind of nightmare)

# ¿ Mar 2, 2017 02:12

naem: May 29, 2011

fleshy echidna posted:

Hey guys I have a real problem. I used to be a death wizard who was prolonging his life through the use of a necromantic amulet, but just yesterday I accidentally mixed dragon's blood with ooze acid and well I've just darn near melted my whole body off. Does this mean I'm a lich now? I've always considered "boning up" but now I seriously have to face the consequences of this action and I'm worried that my A.D.W.A membership might be revoked. Any advice for what to do after an accidental lichification?

Well you should really have insurance set up in advance for this kind of thing but sounds like you just need to grow some flesh back which won't be too hard (expensive though).

Unless you want to go full lich in which case I'm hiring

# ¿ Mar 2, 2017 02:25

naem: May 29, 2011

key party favors posted:

until you can grow a new body in a vat, welcome to lich life. Every evil wizard goes through this stage, it's basically a rite of passage. Good luck!

I mean, I personally assume anyone studying necromancy has a flesh vat, they teach you that first semester

# ¿ Mar 2, 2017 02:33

naem: May 29, 2011

Socks4Hands posted:

Is a Sorceror an evil wizard by definition who's also willing to work with forces from which an evil wizard would tuck tail and run?

Sorcerers use CHA instead of INT for their base mana points (I call them CHAd's)

# ¿ Mar 2, 2017 02:43

naem: May 29, 2011

jon joe posted:

Not as bad as those loving muscle wizards who cast with their STR. Those guys are minmaxing bastards!

*muscle wizard casts HIGH PROTEIN DIET FART*

# ¿ Mar 2, 2017 06:15

naem: May 29, 2011

be careful, I messed up the binding on some ghosts I summoned and the freshman dorm was haunted for like two years. Every night at 2 am "WHY HAST THOU SUMMONED ME WHY HAST THOU DISTURBED MY ANCIENT SLUMBER"

It was a project for class now stop disturbing MY slumber. Sheesh!!

# ¿ Mar 15, 2017 01:58

naem: May 29, 2011

Hihohe posted:

Look, just do what i fuckin do and buy some soulstones and imprison the ghosts to power your fell portals or monster crucibles. you can get a couple of rad monsters to attack villages out of a binded soul.

Anyway, My Ice castle in the barrens is coming along nicely. I started with the standard tower and have been working on the ramparts. Having a problem with getting water to make the walls. My goblins are freezing to death while carrying the buckets and im wondering if their are more cold resistant ones.

Just drop a couple goblins into the slurry as you freeze the bricks from time to time, it's helps reinforce things (like rebar) plus you don't have to pay them until they thaw

# ¿ Mar 15, 2017 03:42

naem: May 29, 2011

Screaming Idiot posted:

I generally just call the Orking Man. He specializes in summoning orks who beat the demons senseless and then just hang around the place until they murder one another. And on the off-chance they survive, you got the beginning of a nice army.

Speaking of armies, what am I supposed to do about this loving ranger turning my men against me? He keeps getting killed, but he keeps coming back somehow. I'm so annoyed by this that I might just suspend all promotions until that fucker is ended. Can rangers even have phylacteries? I thought that was an evil wizard only deal.

Is he secretly the last of a line of ancient kings of a lost realm prophesied to one day destroy the power of the ANCIENT ONES��? Rangers always have something like that going on (seems like cheating to me to multiclass without the exp penalty)

# ¿ Mar 15, 2017 07:49

naem: May 29, 2011

Office Surprise Store posted:

more reagents than sense

Points for style though

# ¿ Mar 15, 2017 22:03

naem: May 29, 2011

Screaming Idiot posted:

I had a date over and things went really well until this musclebound douchebag in a loincloth and horned helm broke into my house and kidnapped her.

We were going to watch movies and eat popcorn.

Next time just put a really big obvious trap door to your skeleton pit right on the middle of the floor and start "monologuing."

I don't know what it is but they just can't help listen to your "evil plan." Make sure you ham it up and get some cackles in there- he'll stop right on top of the fake rug and give you a NAY EVIL DOER THY SHANT PROSPER THIS DAY, FOR 'TIS JUSTICE WHENCE MUST PREVAIL BY MY STRONG ARMS AND SWARTHY- THWAP! (that's a sound effect) AAAAARRRRGH _tumble skeletons got 'em

# ¿ Mar 17, 2017 18:56

naem: May 29, 2011

Automatic Slim posted:

Don't showboat. Don't grandstand. Don't monologue. The "righteous" hang their hat on some kind of moral argument or big speech justification to BBEGs. Cold, impersonal evil really unnerves crusaders. If you want a flashy end, go Ozymandias, achieve your goal, and tell them their too late when they storm the castle.

Don't get cute. Stay professional. Save that ridiculous laugh after you've reanimated the your enemies soulless corpses.

No no no you're TRICKING them into THINKING you're monologuing then just pull the trap door lever.

I'm at like an 85% success rate it's ridiculous

# ¿ Mar 17, 2017 22:08

naem: May 29, 2011

Bud K ninja sword posted:

its not condescension its more yo dooder magical bootstraps, i was a miller ffs.

Hey I'm technically still an "alchemist" and what kind of career is that. It was my frustration living in a rundown old tower failing to make potions that led me down the dark path.

Well that and I found the secret trapdoor here in the tower that lead to what is now my skeleton pit. It's hard to believe one tome of "summon skeleton" lead to all this. My pit skeletons have hollowed out most of a mountain at this point; just selling the fill dirt to construction companies alone is worth a fortune

# ¿ Mar 18, 2017 04:04

naem: May 29, 2011

SSH IT ZOMBIE posted:

Anyone else command an army of tiny faefolk? All ya gotta do is feed them pizza. Click here for more wizard tricks they don't want you to know.

H-Harry??

# ¿ Mar 18, 2017 07:06

naem: May 29, 2011

One of my ex girlfriends was a fae and she was nuts. Like I hate to sound prejudiced but the stereotypes are true. Tried to lock me in a cave for a 1000 years after an argument. Great in the sack though

# ¿ Mar 18, 2017 22:14

naem: May 29, 2011

I Said No posted:

are sorcerers allowed here

Yes but don't be annoyed when we aren't impressed with your high charisma and spooky popped-collar sorcerer outfit. It's bunch of grumpy wizards in here

I hope you're not one of those guys who put every single spell slot into "fireball" are you

# ¿ Mar 18, 2017 22:44

naem: May 29, 2011

VendaGoat posted:

This is you.

That guy has a glitter fireball sewn right on his chest lol

I bet his spell list is like:

1. Fireball lvl 70
2. Levitate 12 feet off the ground and project your voice all spooky lvl 1
3. -

# ¿ Mar 18, 2017 22:50

naem: May 29, 2011

sweet geek swag posted:

Don't get stone trolls, while it is possible to transform them back, it isn't worth it. Bridge trolls don't transform, though they might try to charge you to cross any random bit of stone or wood you have on the ground. Forest or swamp trolls are much cheaper, don't turn to stone, and regenerate real fast. They are a bit unruly, but if you are a decent leader that won't be a problem.

Bridge trolls eat their own weight in flesh every fortnight. That's a LOT of villagers you could have skeleton-ed

# ¿ Mar 19, 2017 02:30

naem: May 29, 2011

Hihohe posted:

People keep talking about skeletons like theyre the end all of low level minions, but listen. Sure they dont eat sleep or think, but they do require upkeep. You gotta maintain the spell every couple of hours otherwise they start falling apart.That costs energy. Maybe not a lot but if you get your big armies it can add up and youll always feel tired at the end of the day( you think necromancers just choose to look all disheveled?). When they're not directly under your command they're dumb as a bag of rocks. You ever have trouble with a printer and it just keeps spitting different printouts from like 3 days ago. Thats what its like. I had a skeleton battalion that I ordered to collect slaves come back with one slave. Its not that they couldnt find anymore, they found the village and as soon as they got one guy they came back.

At least with goblins I can be "GATHER ME SLAVES YOU MAGGOTS" and theyll go off and make their own weapons and plans. And unlike skeletons they can level up so you can get more for what you put in. A troll will give them the leg up on Lord rear end in a top hat and his paladins.

https://youtu.be/c7CF8zheahU

# ¿ Mar 19, 2017 06:12

naem: May 29, 2011

I Said No posted:

hey come on i clearly said sorcerer, not warlock

# ¿ Mar 19, 2017 18:52

naem: May 29, 2011

Reanimating exgirlfriends is a BIG mistake lol. Just trust me on this

# ¿ Mar 21, 2017 03:33

naem: May 29, 2011

jon joe posted:

One of the key tenants of evil wizardhood is that all people are capable of evil. Not immediately, in most cases, but if you ease them into it one act at a time it's very trivial (though not easy) to make even the most hardcore paladin fall. A life taken here, a lie told there, all in the name of the "greater good" is a great way to get rid of good.

You really have to add it all up at the end of the day to see how evil you are. I turned chaotic neutral once for a week

# ¿ Mar 21, 2017 21:56

naem: May 29, 2011

There's always more nemeses out there don't worry.

Heck I had three I didn't know about, they ended up fighting each other

# ¿ Mar 22, 2017 04:36

naem: May 29, 2011

sweet geek swag posted:

My master plan has had an unexpected development (in a good way), and I am in need of assistance in raising a huge number of undead soldiers in a short amount of time. I offer standard evil wizard wages and if our venture is successful I would be willing to consider making you an apprentice or perhaps a lieutenant depending on your level of competency. Understand that if my plan is successful, I will be in a position to offer an incredible benefits package, including laboratory, test subjects and international contacts.

FYI I'm pretty this guy's going to drop you down the skeleton trap door

# ¿ Mar 24, 2017 02:29

naem: May 29, 2011

# ¿ Mar 24, 2017 05:13

naem: May 29, 2011

A Pack of Kobolds posted:

Anybody ever animate a bone dragon or is that way more trouble than maintaining the average skeleton minion horde?

I can't even handle horses! I mean live horses cost a LOT and then what, do you skeletonize them? Because no live horse will let a skeleton ride them I'll tell you that much.

One time I tried combining several people skeletons into vaguely a horse shape (took 3 1/2 skeletons) and while the guys were SUPER enthusiastic about it and kept making horse noises and tramping all around it just didn't look right.

Plus they couldn't decide which head was the horse head and they kept arguing. And the half a skeleton left over just sat in the corner sadly playing the xylophone on his rib cage I felt bad for him

# ¿ Apr 6, 2017 23:39

naem: May 29, 2011

Why not just go wendigo? Sounds like a blast

# ¿ Apr 8, 2017 20:10

naem: May 29, 2011

IS, Bowie IS a master

# ¿ Apr 13, 2017 01:39

naem: May 29, 2011

CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:

Oops, my bad. You are correct of course.

Trust me you do not want to upset lord Bowie _pbuh

# ¿ Apr 13, 2017 01:44

naem: May 29, 2011

Have Blue posted:

So uhh I bootstrapped a bag of holding's pocket dimension generator into a causality modification device (weekend project after some adventurers died in my lair and kindly left me their loot). The problem is that the constant creation and collapse of alternate planes is starting to erode the local astral barrier and eldritch horrors have started seeping through (actually seeping, I had to mop up some kind of "blood" that kept trying to manifest itself as something in a roiling mass of churning flesh ick).

Long story short I set the thing to shunt itself into a causality where it doesn't doesn't erode space time but that feels... too easy? Anyone got a more permanent solution?

I usually just bottle some of that stuff it's worth a fortune

# ¿ Apr 13, 2017 02:25

naem: May 29, 2011

Do you always attack by shuffling around in a predictable pattern and right before you do your "super attack" do you pause for two seconds, hands over your head, which exposes the glowing ruby that contains your life essence and is the only way you can be damaged? Because you might be in some trouble here

# ¿ Apr 13, 2017 18:59

naem: May 29, 2011

Double Monocle posted:

To be fair it's not my only life essence gem, but the rest sounds pretty accurate.

Am I doing something wrong?

No just make sure you do some good monologuing if any heroes show up, and be ready with one of those "curses you've defeated me- for now!" cut scenes where you turn into swamp gas and float away if you lose too many hit points

# ¿ Apr 14, 2017 01:05

naem: May 29, 2011

Also guys I'm looking at some evil real estate. What do you think, too obvious?

I'll have my skeletons hollow out that whole hillside into a dec sized dungeon and put up want ads to "investigate the haunted treasure of lost mansion" or whatever, and see how many low level adventurers fall through the trap door and get stuck.

Come back in a couple of months and the place will be absolutely chock full of fresh adventurer skeletons just watch

(I'll just put an actual treasure past the trap door so if some idiot gets past it they don't get too suspicious about my set up. A couple hundred gold and some +1 Pants of the Wolf or whatever)

# ¿ Apr 14, 2017 01:14

naem: May 29, 2011

basic hitler posted:

I cant do this anymore. Im going white. Legit. Good guy. Just burned the last of my tomes. Some paladins are coming by tomorrow and raising a massive h holy shield as i violate every pact ive ever made with any demon. Lol they wont be able to do poo poo.

Anyway i start teaching at merlin academy next week peace be unto you brothers may you find redemption in the light:)

Oh, ok yeah sure you are sounds great (wink wink)

# ¿ Apr 15, 2017 05:17

naem: May 29, 2011

Eela6 posted:

Knowing dark secrets man was not meant to know is kind of our thing.

Speaking of which, what is it with that Chinese place on the Astral plane? There's no way they can be making a profit. A full meal with dessert and tea for a single silver piece?

Whatever dark power the manager has made a deal with, I want in.

They have a time loop where they serve the same batch of food to every customer over and over (that's why it's so good)

# ¿ Apr 15, 2017 19:34

naem: May 29, 2011

CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:

Let's be totally honest for a second here. No wizard ever really sees themselves as evil, per se. It's just shortsighted idiots who resent our bootstrapping and want the fruits of our magical labors re-distributed to peasants from the Black Forest who didn't earn them.

Evil, for lack of a better world, is good.

# ¿ May 12, 2017 21:20

naem: May 29, 2011

vcvcvc12 posted:

there's still a skeletal dragon in the mausoleum if you want it.

I'm super tempted on the dragon skeleton but it takes a LOT of juice to keep one a them running and I might as well announce "evil wizard here come smite me" to have one flapping around the tower

# ¿ May 23, 2017 04:25