- alnilam
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Magikarp, a Man About Town. The ongoing adventures of the least useful pokemon and his struggle to find a place in high society. (Imagine the magikarp wearing a tuxedo and one of those long white scarves rich assholes wear to opera).
people keep encouragingly telling him maybe someday he'll become a gyarados and he gets really offended like WHAT WHAT SO MAGIKARPS AREN'T WORTH ANYTHING
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Oct 6, 2017 20:10
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 13, 2024 18:15
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- alnilam
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A ghost that can only be seen if it's wearing a sheet on it's head
I believe this happened in Beetlejuice
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Oct 6, 2017 20:52
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- alnilam
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a sheet that can only be seen if a ghost is wearing it on it's head while watching Beetlejuice
^^ good argument against an indecent exposure charge
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Oct 6, 2017 21:06
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- alnilam
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Here's a good joke i don't think anyone's ever thought of before ever: godzilla vs bambi, where it's just like 15 sec long and a giant godzilla foot just comes down and obliterates bambi
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Oct 6, 2017 21:18
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- alnilam
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30 something childless man and woman making pizza together in the kitchen man turns to woman and says "hey did you hear the joke about pizza? nevermind it'sTOO CHEESY" and groans. woman puts a hand on man's back as he looks back at her with sorrowful eyes. later as they're setting the table man is obviously fighting something internally, eventually blurts out uncomfortably loud "oh i can't forget the pickles. they're kind of a BIG DILL" and collapses into a chair with his head between his hands. he says "i'm sorry... i know it's not the right time to have children, it's just... it's just i can... i can feel my biological clock ticking away and.... i want to have children so badly and, and, i'm not sure how many dad jokes i have left in me... i just can't keep them in any longer" and surrenders to body shaking sobs
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Oct 13, 2017 03:35
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- alnilam
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know man's guy
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Oct 17, 2017 23:48
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- alnilam
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Requiem for a Dream but with Rodney Dangerfield
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Oct 18, 2017 03:42
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- alnilam
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But for the purposes of my joke, I had to be mean about the regular animals.
pretty edgy for byob tbh
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Oct 18, 2017 22:58
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- alnilam
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air bud 1905: battleship puptemkin
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Oct 20, 2017 12:32
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- alnilam
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adult trick or treating. You go door to door and they give you drugs and booze
i literally do sometimes offer a beer to adults walking with their kids, following in the tradition of my dad
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Nov 1, 2017 14:19
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- alnilam
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Minutes from the Home Owners Association in the neighborhood for retired spies and FBI informants.
my thrad potential scanner is off the charts on this one
a cashier with chronic short term memory loss that genuinely laughs his head off at the dad jokes that he gets all day because it's like he's hearing for the first time, every time.
"oh, it didn't scan. that means it's free?"
did you find everything OK?
"everything except a million bucks!"
lol
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Nov 20, 2017 04:56
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- alnilam
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Australianpunk: Just like cyberpunk except everything is Australian.
"I've gandered at shite you lot couldn't be arsed about. Bog tinnys going tits up at the arse end of orion.
Yours truly has squized c beams twinklin' about in the paki black near that dodgy tosser's gate. All them
moments will be arsed off in the ol' tick tock like.... tears in the piss. Time to bugger off." Australian Roy Batty - Blade Runner: Down Unda!
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Dec 3, 2017 13:59
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- alnilam
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NEW Super FAST broccoli, guaranteed to be fully digested and outta there in under 5 minutes or your money back
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Dec 10, 2017 14:13
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- alnilam
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Pokemon in Real Life, Except the Parts That Would Be Not Fun
Pokemon OSHA
"Alright, so you're looking to make a four-story dragon statue rise from beneath the gym floor, shoot flames everywhere, and then you want to have the Pokemon fight each other up there? I mean, sure, it's possible, but my major concern right now is wheelchair accessibility."
Going to Gym Battles
It's Wednesday night, and you and your co-workers have gotten tickets to the Gym Battle tonight, where some young upstart is gonna challenge the local gym leader. You've got your beer and your hotdogs, and you've got pretty good seats considering it's a full house. The challenger goes against the first gym trainer, and shows that he's got a Dark type, perfect for his eventual battle against Sabrina. He wins the first battle pretty easily, and then goes into the first teleporter and defeats the trainer behind that door, and the crowd's excitement builds. Then, he goes into another teleporter and gets sent back to the beginning. He retraces his steps, this time taking the second teleporter in the room, but gets sent to another room with another trainer battle. He goes back into the teleporter he just went into, thinking it will take him back, but he gets sent to an entirely different room, and looks around in a panic. He enters one of the four teleporters and gets sent back to the entrance again. Everyone in the crowd is booing and yelling directions, all conflicting with each other. The challenger teleports back and forth between room as everyone gets progressively more and more upset. Two hours have gone by and he still can't figure out the teleporter maze. Anyone who hasn't left is now drunkenly screaming at the arena.
Odd Age Discrepancies
Iris is the Gym Leader of the Dragon gym and she's twelve years old and works with ten-feet-tall earthquake-causing monsters and she rides on their backs as they fly in the air but I can't buy rubber cement from the local Costco without needing to show them my ID? It's bullshit, I'm telling you
these are good
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Dec 14, 2017 14:08
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- alnilam
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animal cool tees
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Dec 14, 2017 23:40
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- alnilam
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imo All 3 of these would be good threads even if yo just posted what you wrote here as the op
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Dec 20, 2017 15:56
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- alnilam
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John Mack, Second Grade PI
It was late in the day about 1 PM and I was contemplating a nap when she walked into my life.
She had strawberry hair and a Strawberry Shortcake backpack. She was trouble. I could tell by the way she held her pencil case and that far off look people get when they're deciding how much they'll tell me. And how much will be true.
Most of all though, I knew she was in trouble because she was in my office. You don't come to John Mack unless you're out of options.
I swept a pile of juice boxes off my desk and pointed to a chair. She grimaced at the cracked plastic, then settled in with a resigned sigh.
She looked up from a bottle of spilled play doh and said, "Detective Mack?"
"Just John."
"John," she said, "I need to find someone."
"Most people do. Are you willing to pay for it?"
She reached into her pencil case and pulled out an envelope. She slid it across my desk. Gummy bears and a lot of them. Sugar free? No, these were the real thing.
"Pre-war gummies," I said.
"You have an eye for quality," she said with a wan smile.
I gestured around the room, "Yeah, I'm a real coin-a-sure. Who's the lucky boy worth all the grizzlies?"
"Everything you need to know is in this workbook, John."
"I didn't say I'd take it," I said.
She stared me straight in the eye and said, "You'll take it. You need the gum."
She had me there. I looked into the workbook and shook a candy stick loose from a crinkled pack.
I champed the sugar stick in my teeth and said, "Yeah, I can find your man Waldo."
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Dec 20, 2017 23:56
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- alnilam
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If there's an unfunny boioioing sound joke i haven't heard it
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Dec 22, 2017 04:43
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- alnilam
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Chef Wendel can see why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch. But can he see a tiger stalking him from the reeds before it's too late
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Jan 3, 2018 01:38
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- alnilam
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I think hardened cereal/food mascots would be a good thread, if u don't wanna make it i will
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Jan 3, 2018 01:41
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- alnilam
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Funnel spiderman
did spiderman ever have a villain thats a hunter of rare prey? i know there was a guy like that for one or two heroes. make it Steve Irwin for him
Remember when (dial m for) Monkey had such a villain
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Jan 8, 2018 16:56
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- alnilam
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Cambridge, England, early 1700s. Isaac Newton is embroiled in a dispute with Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz over the development of calculus, and is pontificating to his fellow professors on what a dick Leibniz is. Producing a parcel of loose sheets of paper, Newton snidely proclaims that contained upon them is correspondence from Leibniz, containing a mathematical problem and a claim that Newton's calculus will not be able to solve it. "Poppycock!" proclaims Newton. He will solve it, and rebuke Leibniz in the process!
Newton's audience watches as he intently pores over the problem, solving it piece by piece and chalking out notes on a blackboard. For the period, at least, it is an astounding sight. Newton is computing the problem at high speed, like a machine, almost as if he is in a heavenly trance with the angels. It is as if his mind and hands are under someone else's control, and he is no longer aware of his earthly existence.
The minutes tick by, the blackboard fills up, and Newton is visibly sweating. But still he forges on, unaware, until he stops. At the very bottom of the blackboard, he strikes his chalk across it in a horizontal line, and then taps the blackboard at the end, as if to punctuate it for emphasis. He turns around, bold, and triumphantly shouts "There! You see, gentlemen? The solution!"
Newton's elation deflates when he sees the faces of his audience, tittering in merriment and trying, vainly, to suppress their giggling. Newton gets a stern look on his face, turns around, and looks at the solution: "Newton is a foppish simpleton who huffeth his own excretory gases". In a rage, he pounds his fist on the blackboard and yells "LEIBNIZ!". For Newton, you see, has been so verily owned.
I enjoyed this
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Jan 11, 2018 03:31
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- alnilam
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I also enjoy all the posts
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Jan 11, 2018 03:31
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- alnilam
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TV sitcom, Frankenstein: Firefighter!
Our hero Frankie works at the local volunteer fire department. Frankie is everyone's neighborhood friend, but when he shows up on the scene to fight the flames, he faces his mortal enemy!
Fire Chief: Oh, no! There's a 3-alarm fire at the strip mall! We're gonna need EVERYONE on this one!
Assistant Fire Chief: Everyone?
*all eyes on Frankie*
Fire Chief: EVERYONE!
Frankie *waving arms frantically*: FIRE BAD!
Frankie, you're the tallest, can you respond to this call from a little girl to get her kitty out of a tree?
*later, frankie walking in looking dour*
Chief: for the last time, little girls don't like being thrown into water!! you're just lucky this girl is a good swimmer and thought it was fun.
Frankie: me sorry
Chief: well i think we all learned a lot about ourselves today, and about being considerate of others 
*awwww*
Jerry the goofball character: hey these burgs are almost done, comin right up
Frankie, seeing the grease flaming up the grill: RNNNGG FIRE BAD
Jerry: no frankie wait!
Frankie tackles jerryAND the grill to the ground, all laugh, zoom out w credits music
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Jan 11, 2018 17:44
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- alnilam
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you bet your... well you know
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Jan 11, 2018 18:10
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- alnilam
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I like the detail where to defense attorney doesn't really know what they're doing re procedure
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Jan 11, 2018 20:10
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- alnilam
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80's music/continents
Europe - Final Countdown
Asia - Heat of the Moment
Toto - Africa
Men without hats - Down under
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Jan 12, 2018 22:28
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- alnilam
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Men At Work - Down Under, ya mean?
Unless we're doing a whole "mismatched artist/song title in Napster search results" schtick.
In which case, Depeche Mode - Bizarre Love Triangle.mp3
oops ya
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Jan 12, 2018 23:10
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- alnilam
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just don't ask him if cereal is a soup
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Jan 13, 2018 17:22
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- alnilam
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Jan 13, 2018 17:57
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- alnilam
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Yeah, it never really sat well with me, either. The character always seemed to be in a constant, repetitive cycle of freakouts over petty stuff, and her lack of a nose (while every other character had one) weirded me out.
ACK
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Jan 17, 2018 13:53
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 13, 2024 18:15
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- alnilam
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Hundreds of women take to the streets, wearing sweats with frizzy hair.
Fists in the air, chanting "ACK!"
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Jan 18, 2018 18:52
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Oct 6, 2017 20:10
no really who are they"
