Your Awful Dates

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Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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Less than two full pages in and it already has profoundly uninteresting and genuinely horrifying anecdotes. Not bad.

elise the great posted:

Today he and I are Facebook friends, and he and his husband have two adorable kids and an even bigger truck that they drive around the countryside, presumably with elegantly balanced checkbooks

This is what I am talking about. Hell yeah.

My original awful date was the first one I went on. The first girl I ever fell for hard had agreed to go out with me, which in hindsight is pretty amazing. Anyway, she picked me up from my parents' house (I was 15, O.K.) and we went to see a movie. At some point during the movie after we had talked a little bit and she seemed to be having a good time, I said "and now I subtly put my arm around you!" and put my arm around her, and she laughed. And then... I pulled my arm back, since I did not want to risk "overdoing the joke" and upsetting her.

Later when I was lamenting how she and I never dated, she mentioned that it had seemed that I did not really like her. Badass

Just as tragic was a date with a different woman, actually my second and final date with someone who should have been a sure thing. I already knew of a couple of her exes who looked a fair amount like me, I knew I was generally her type. The first date was fantastic, and went until the early morning hours, and she quickly agreed to go out with me again.

We agreed to meet at a famous local(ish) diner I had never been to before, about 45 minutes away. This took place just long enough ago that I did not yet have a phone or a GPS. I left with some time to spare, but after about 15 miles it occurred to me I had gone north instead of west out of my town (I was really bad with Interstates at the time). I definitely did not leave "starting with a 30-mile-detour" early. Eventually I pulled up to the diner, about an hour late, and sat down with her. She was remarkably polite all things considered. But then I was making gestures to indicate how ridiculous my adventure getting there was, and I bumped the waitress arriving with my drink and spilled it all over my date.

I had come far enough since the first story in this post to know right then and there that that whatever this was going to be was no longer going to be it. I was correct.

Oh wait I have to tell this one too: I have only ever dated one Goon, and she was (still is) gorgeous and fun and awesome. And the backstory to this one was that we had already hooked up a few times, so obviously she liked me. But she also was "not looking for a relationship, just some fun." I, being a ~~sophisticated nice guy~~ moron, assumed this was a test to see if I were a good enough person to make it clear I was interested in more than sex. After a few quasi-dates, I decided we needed to do something more formally date-like, so I took her to a fondue place and we talked about our lives in much greater detail than we had ever previously. Then we got back to her place and I started making some moves and she was like "yeah I'm not feeling great, uh, I guess you can touch my boobs that's fine but we should call it an early night." She stopped responding to my texts for a week or so after that. Then eventually she told me via e-mail something like "you weirded me out by trying to make that into a relationship." Great job, me!

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 14:04

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 16:07

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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new phone who dis posted:

As we're given menus she grabs one, points to a big section on it that says "Beef Bulgogi" and says, "See? Beef Bagobi!" I am now officially annoyed.

I would immediately lose interest in the world's most attractive woman if that happened to me. Which of course is terrible as it means I hate dyslexic people apparently. But I need help.

sneakyfrog posted:

what is with people involving moms on dates ffs. I mentioned it in another thread but i have read it and experienced it enough now to where I must ask.. is there a significant percentage of people who think it is ok to bring or involve mom in a first date???

My first real girlfriend involved her mom on our first real date, though to be fair it is because I met her on IRC, our first meeting was in some completely unrelated person's uncle's house for an IRC meetup, and our actual real date required me to drive the six hours to be in her city so we spent a fair amount of time at her mom's place so she could be convinced I was not going to murder her daughter :haw:

Best awkward part of that date was me being presented, for the first time in my life, with a steak, and trying to cut it with a butter knife. The perils of being raised in a nearly-vegetarian household. Her mom was very understanding about the mentally handicapped boy her daughter brought across state lines though.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 22:16

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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new phone who dis posted:

I had a girl I was chatting to send me naked pics of her all day before we met for a date and then she showed up in sweats and said she just wasn't feeling it and left.

Oh good, I am not the only one who has experienced "here are sexy pictures and lots of texting about the awful things I want you to do to me!" *get together* "hey I'm really tired sorry. Gotta go." *disappears forever*

# ¿ Apr 25, 2017 20:51

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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poo poo I forgot about the first time I tried going out with a co-worker; the interest was definitely there, because we flirted up a storm at all times. And because she had already gone down on me in a parking lot. But anyway, we were going to go out for real but that same night some of our co-worker friends begged both of us to go out to a club with them, so we figured we would do that first and then leave together later.

About an hour into us hanging out at a club she was making out with me and openly rubbing my cock through my pants and begging me to gently caress her right there on the one couch at the club. I was like "hey you know that sounds awesome but there are definitely police in this town" and she got more and more frustrated by my refusal, so basically nothing else happened and, perhaps unsurprisingly, it never progressed from there.

So many of my stories would have gone differently if I drank.

I would have thought I was the kind of person totally down with having sex in public, too, but something about "the public is literally close enough to bump into you" makes it less appealing.

# ¿ Apr 26, 2017 00:24

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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That reminds me of the curse of utter obliviousness I was under until about ten years ago; while still under 21, my friends and I went looking for a Halloween party so the drunkies could get drunk in their stupid costumes. Against all odds, a fairly hot woman took a liking to me, and she was running her fingers through my hair and literally put her lightly-clothed boobs in my hands early on to demonstrate she was not wearing a bra. And the whole while I was thinking, "hey, if I play my cards right, this might go somewhere eventually!"

Unsurprisingly, when I made absolutely no moves short of talking to her about undoubtedly boring things for the next 30 minutes, since I did not want to """move too fast,""" she wandered off to find someone who was not apparently dressed as a eunuch.

# ¿ Apr 28, 2017 03:28

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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PureEvil6_13 posted:

I've done that poo poo so many times too. First year of college I'm making out with this girl, have her out of her clothes an wearing only her panties and she's on top of me grinding away. I loving tell her that I'm waiting for marriage.

Waiting for loving marriage...

She chuckled and said that was cool, she was too. She was trying to be nice though because I found out later on in the year that she was a HUGE slut.

I love the similarities of our stories. And I remembered I actually have a "transitional" story representing the very last time I did something like this before suddenly being like "wait a loving second, why am I not saying yes to these things"

I was studying in England and met an Italian woman and her Norwegian friend on campus. They had both complained about not having had very many dates that year, so the three of us went out to dinner. At one point one asked me, loving asked me, if I had ever had a threesome. I said no, because that was a little more adventurous than I really ever got. They looked at each other in what I assumed was an "Oh, I see!" exchange and was, of course, a "how did we misjudge this moron?" exchange. Basically confirmed, as if I needed it to be, by the Italian woman e-mailing me while drunk out of the blue a year or so later to tell me how stupid I was for not taking a chance with her.

Possibly more obliviously, this group of three women I knew had a party literally called "Drunken Fest" with just them and me and two other guys. Each of those dudes was getting extremely comfortable with one of the ladies. I acted like it was a regular party and hung out and talked to everyone. At some point I decided to go home and play, hmm, probably EverQuest given the timeline, and went to leave. The third woman grabbed me and kissed me and I, I did this, this is a real thing I did, thought to myself "awesome!" and then still left. The disconnect between cause and effect in my dating life is so palpable in hindsight, that I managed to find a way to even turn things like this into like THAT WAS A PITY KISS LOSER JUST BE GLAD IT HAPPENED instead of IT WAS A GODDAMN DATE SETUP OR MAYBE EVEN ORGY IN THE MAKING WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID

Radical and BADical! posted:

Most people would be like "naw, man, she just really digs you" but it had never once happened in my life so I was already somewhat suspicious, sadly.

Yeah, this is actually exactly what I was just talking about. It really is amazing how truly this line of thinking can mess you up. A few years of getting shot down constantly in high school (while, of course, ignoring the handful of women who were interested in me) and I truly believed nobody would ever be REALLY interested in me. I mean, I was right, but at least they started banging me eventually

Radical and BADical! posted:

Also the part with the chat is like 80% verbatim. Say what you will about memory but you don't forget something like that.

Sometimes chat burns into your brain forever. I spent three days on OKCupid talking to this woman who I seemed to have amazing chemistry with, and we were going to meet up for a date. She basically asked what drugs we should do, and I was like "well you can do whatever you want, but I have never been into that" and she said "oh, I could never be with someone who doesn't alter consciousness" and we never spoke again.

PureEvil6_13 posted:

Took a girl out to a bar once and she ran into some other dude she knew. I endured about an hour of her ignoring me and talking to him before I got up and left. She ran out after me to my car. . .not to tell me she was being an rear end in a top hat, but to ask me if it's ok if that other guy takes her home and I tell her that I'm obviously leaving and don't care how or if she gets home.

I once went out with a new lady acquaintance since it was her birthday and she barely knew anyone in town; it was just her and this one other guy. He was just the right kind of stereotypical guy to bring out my antagonistic comedy senses; somebody spilled a beer on him and he mentioneda bit later that the guy was fortunate he did not kick his rear end, and I said something like "that's a bad way to handle conflict, I would have offered to blow the dude to relieve the tension." New lady was obviously more into self-deprecating gay jokes than machismo, and when we called it a night a while later, I asked if she wanted a birthday kiss, and we kissed while the other guy waited in his car to drive her home. We ended up dating for a few months, and then she later married one of my best friends. So I am sorry for ruining your date PureEvil6_13 but it ended well

jesus Elsa already made the joke about it being his scenario but to be fair I am otherwise serious

# ¿ Apr 30, 2017 02:19

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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Fartbox posted:

how is this related to dating you shitlord

And that Korean girl was Albert Einstein.

with whom I went on an awful date

# ¿ May 9, 2017 16:48

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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"I'm fine, it's just I have been dealing at work with a case where a guy punched his wife so hard that he knocked out her teeth."
"Hahaha! Yeah a buddy of mine lost some teeth one time when we were playing hockey while drunk."

# ¿ May 9, 2017 19:42

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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Cough Drop The Beat posted:

Be like every other decent single parent in existence and say "Hey, how about we go to your place?" This isn't rocket surgery, folks.

For the record she definitely should have tried harder to, you know, not have her son answer the door, but...how old are the children? Can they really be on their own? And if not, good luck finding someone to come watch your kids at 10 P.M.

# ¿ May 17, 2017 14:22

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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Pug Rodeo posted:

then left me all alone to skate to that MC Hammer song about the Addams Family all by myself.

"Is there a video where Christina Ricci beheads MC Hammer?"
Me, until two minutes ago: "Hahaha, that is such a dumb thing to say"

# ¿ May 20, 2017 04:43

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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Jastiger posted:

Not gonna dox someone, sorry. But she was hot as hell and complained about her weight. Never would have guessed 300, but she's very very attractive.

Ashley Graham comes to mind; she is not everyone's cup of tea but I seem to recall she weighed in the low 200s, and she is only 5'9", so it is not terribly hard to imagine a significantly taller woman with a slightly larger frame approaching 300. I had a 6' ex-girlfriend who looked anorexic (and possibly was) and weighed over 150.

All that said, I suspect there may be virtually no-one else in the world who looks like this legendary 300 pound woman* if this all checks out.

Edit: Except Mocking Bird I guess.

# ¿ May 23, 2017 12:34

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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I really do not want to keep posting about this because it is a nigh-worthless argument, but I do not think I know a single 200-pound woman with boobs that small, let alone someone at 275

# ¿ May 24, 2017 02:50

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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That is some serious Tinder Multitasking

# ¿ May 24, 2017 17:22

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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No Young Internet Pornography was, like, Sizzle.com, where the big selling point was that if you paid you could download color 320x200 video clips (probably like 10 seconds long). God drat

I also seem to recall them advertising themselves as being "24-Hour" which, like, on one hand you intuitively knew that about the Internet, but on the other it still somehow made it sound seedier. Or maybe it is because I was not actually old enough to legally use it that I thought all of these things.

# ¿ May 24, 2017 21:27

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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walgreenslatino posted:

This thread makes it sound almost as if knowingly wrecking someone else's marriage has a downside

Yeah, the proper way to do it is to do nothing to wreck their marriage; let them do that themselves! ???

I mainly posted that so I could post:

Baronjutter posted:

Apparently he wasn't the only one though, and the whole cheating on her husband with guys almost half her age thing was part of a bigger problem and she was abusing prescription drugs and drinking like crazy. Her whole life started to unravel and their meetups turned less into sexy encounters and more her crying about her life falling apart so he bailed. She got super weird and started stalking him on facebook and poo poo and showed up at his work one day but then she disappeared and like 6 months later noticed her house was for sale.

My favorite story like this is someone I know who is married but was having a full-blown affair after a few years...with a guy in a relationship...and when that guy would not leave his girlfriend, she started banging other guys and lying to her affair partner about it because he demanded she be "monogamous" with him (monogamy not, obviously, including what she did with her husband).

I am not 100% sure how that all turned out but I gotta say, you need to take a step back and contemplate what it is you are doing if you and your affair partner are both in relationships and you think the concept of monogamy has any bearing on your lives.

# ¿ May 25, 2017 01:44

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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Absurd Alhazred posted:

It's called polyfidelity. Look it up!

Well that virtually makes sense compared to what they are doing.

# ¿ May 25, 2017 03:26

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 16:07

Dr. Quarex: Apr 18, 2003; I'M A BIG DORK WHO POSTS TOO MUCH ABOUT CONVENTIONS LOOK AT THIS

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nigga crab pollock posted:

the entirety of that relationship she would invite me out on dates and then frame them to not be a dates, and do things that you would assume are signs of someone who likes another person but were Definitely Not. i had slept with her multiple times but not the sex kind, the kind that makes you feel like printer goon. actually i think i almost had sex with her once but got interrupted and after that she very conspicuously spent all of her effort on her ex boyfriend she purported to hate

I think the only woman I ever went on anything resembling a date who does not make any sense even in hindsight worked kind of like this; she is clearly an exhibitionist of some sort, but she never wants to actually have anything resembling this fact spoken aloud--I cannot tell you how many times she took her top off around me, but the one time I actually asked if she would take her top off for me she got mad and asked how I could think she would do something like that.

When I had once been out of state for like a year and came back she was super-excited to see me, and we ended up making out, and that eventually turned into her totally naked while we were fooling around and she was definitely not indicating anything was off-limits. But then I made the mistake of starting to unzip my pants, and she instantly pulled away and was like "I don't know what you thought this was, but you need to leave."

In hindsight, I still do not know what that was. We are still on fine terms, but I have the feeling if I asked her what that was all about she would probably just say it never happened.

# ¿ May 27, 2017 17:04

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