(Thread IKs:
Josherino)
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I recently had a pretty serious dissociative snap and have comfortably recovered, and wanted to offer my ear or shoulder to anyone who needs a friendly ear, or just needs to talk through anything. Through the experience I came to a lot of conclusions, chiefly that it's a loving bummer that as humans we're not better at supporting each other, and in the vein of "I don't want this to happen to people, anywhere, ever again," I'm here for you as best I can be.
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Mar 25, 2022 19:37
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Nailed it. There are two steps to life: (1) Everything is habit. (2) The brain builds for what it believes. Everything else is contained in these two steps, down to your breathing and other learned physiology. My best success was just pausing and refocusing on the sounds around me. It's enough of a distraction that even a microsecond of recognition of this lays the seed of understanding and self control, and you can stretch it more and more until whatever you don't want to have as part successfully unlearns. Rinse and repeat. Obviously, deep introspection is still beautiful and encouraged. Enjoy.
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Apr 1, 2022 05:33
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Feels good to have control of my life and brain back. Just sayin'.
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May 9, 2022 06:15
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Josherino posted:Hey this is awesome to read. Conscious awareness of your rote and habits was the key for me. Believe it or not "I just want to be back to better," works just fine as a fundamental building block to...well, whatever you want to do with your brain, and then beyond that it's just a matter of getting micro as gently caress with your cognitive and biophysical habits. Your self is really the horse and rider, but your subconscience/brain/whatever you want to call it will make its own "Cow Tools" as it goes along (REST IN POWER, GARY LARSON!!!) Some other tips and observations, dare you feel like reading a brick of text: * Your consciousness/soul/whatever exists in its own, hermetically sealed, non-euclidian space, so anything going on in your head is not only legal and judgement-free. Feel free to cheat your own brain. (You already knew that, deep down, but it genuinely pays to write it down, read it, and especially discuss it in peer company.) * Your brain correlates each moment, short or long, with imagery, internal synapse, body feedback and memories alike. A lot of things feed into each individual memory and habit, and their recollection is a powerful tool for helping you navigate. Sometimes they don't make sense at first...and sometimes never at all...but later you might remember or realize why that bad memory was associated with, for example, a background noise, or a particular flinch of a muscle group. Absolute full recollection of your entire life is not actually important to cognitive navigation, though. Just whatever works. * Whatever it is, don't overthink it. This is surprisingly easy to do, both overthinking and overcoming overthinking, because all you have to be aware of is, "wow, by mental mouthfeel alone, that thought was way too much structure for whatever I'm trying to accomplish mentally here, that wasn't quite right, woops lmao" ....and your brain will just garbage collect it like any other natural thought-terminating cliche or process. Even thinking about it later has the limitations you'd expect it to; the memory isn't fresh, and you've "done work" on it, so it's nothing to fear. * Per above: Be choosy with how you approach and word things with yourself. The right word can go a long way, but the wrong word can be a distraction to your path if you have a lifetime of built-up bad associations and connotations with it. This is useful for confronting fears and insecurities; again, though, you're in non-euclidian space, and all things are malleable, especially if they're deep in rote. Your brain actually does get bored, stressed, and unhappy with autistic levels of repetition, and you will find your way out of it. This is why depression is such a bitch; you swear you're stuck, but you know better, truly, and even if life is terrible just take a moment to work towards the sunshine again. It might not happen instantly, but it's how we work. * If you recognize thought-terminating processes/cliches within yourself, remember how they feel and operate within your cognitive space so you can weaponize those against intrusive or other un-needed cognition as method or sample, even if they feel silly to use as such. If it works, it works! * If you have a Tourette's level of obsessive-compulsive tics, it is in fact legal to try to "herd" the cognitive misfires into a "master tic" for later disposal, dispersal, and retreading into different associations. Seriously, you can still maintain full cynicism and function while silly-putting around like this, it owns. *There isn't actually all that much to consciousness or existence itself, so thoughts of "this is too much" or "this is going to be hard" or "this is inscrutible/impossible!" are illusions of consciousness. And most importantly... * Believe in yourself. Sounds hokey, but, it's YOUR life, maaaaan. Do what you want with your own brain; after all, an fully, sloppily open mind is like a fortress with its gates unbarred and unguarded. My favorite brain cheat was to consider myself "already healed"; it didn't actually turn out to be a cheat because every day is indeed better than the last, but for tricking yourself it is a fine starting point. Eventually you will just realize that you are so far beyond wherever you were that you are now flensing issues that you had as deep back as childhood, and you will laugh at how fast you recovered. Conversely, as you can imagine, if you constantly are trapped in "I'm sick," then you tend instead to backslide into depression and, "oh this is never going to to be better." The brain is a weird thing, especially when the endorphins start spilling; those come out at counterintuitive times, so you have to just be aware of them. I also do not recommend taking the emotions and feelings of CSPAM seriously. This place is a depression blender if you spend too much time fixated on the presented experience of it. Waffle House has issued a correction as of 07:00 on May 10, 2022 |
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May 10, 2022 06:57
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Jorge Bell posted:It's cool that you've already done the work of identifying why you're fixating on that specific moment (not wanting to be a doormat). I recommend actively trying to not give a poo poo. This sounds flippant and dismissive but it isn't. My life got way better when I stopped trying to analyze the behavior of everyone around me or determine what the right responses would be. You're internally building an annoying event into some kind of test of your character. *jerks thumb emphatically* He's right, you know.
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May 11, 2022 02:12
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endlessmonotony posted:I've been analyzing myself and one of the things that consistently brings me down, really badly, is the failure to communicate the context and how long I've been doing this poo poo. Hey you loving rock. If nobody reminded you today in spite of it all. I hope this post reminds you of this, and that you have value and are a cool dude to talk to.
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May 26, 2022 22:35
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I just wanted to thank everyone in CSPAM for being supportive when I made that suuuuuuuper unhinged post in the MUSK! thread back earlier this year. I have gotten a lot of help from multiple resources, and figured out some excellent cognitive habits. Repaving the damage of five years' undeserved self criticism-cum-abuse because my first long-term relationship sucked loving dicks, and my resulting shame, took longer than I wanted, but far less than I expected. That post was, in hindsight, me screaming to get out of a very bad "stuck," and testing my reality for truth, and it got the correct "dude none of that is happening you are way off in brain damage space" results from other eyes. The shock of getting trolled about it, along with several similar "reality check test balloons" like it after, got me finally aligned on a path to finding the shatterpoints in the breakdown itself and grand delusion I had constructed out of despair, loneliness, and feelings of impossibly insurmountable economic inadequacy following a downward path through several careers where success and advancement were an illusion limited by several forms of low industry ceiling. I am now learning C# from a childhood friend who is a seasoned industry professional, and on a path to a better and more satisfying career. It is a very difficult grok, but it turns out being a *deep* computer toucher is a lot more fun than having to fix them for angry people all day, which previously was the (kind of uninspiring, really) light at the end of my life's tunnel. Thanks for chilling with me. Glad I made it back to retire with you all comfortably here on SA. Waffle House has issued a correction as of 17:17 on Jun 11, 2022 |
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Jun 11, 2022 17:14
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endlessmonotony posted:Meanwhile, I'm feeling my illness. I don't think modern psychology prepares a person for getting better from a break, instead focusing on "treatment" for whatever definition we currently as humans hold, and because the problems are internal-monologue side, there is no sensor or equipment that can see the specifics or the true misery of it all. It's really just your brain running away with itself...although it's very hard to build the necessary subjective-for-you tools to break free of the "illness." Like even if you were wearing an EKG cap that saw every little synapse tickling your grey matter for its true resolution, you would still also need to be wearing facial and body sensors to determine if a synapse caused an aberrant muscle twitch, that then went on to bloom out into another problem. Tourette's syndrome sucks this way, for example, mental and physical flinches for example can "pinball" around into and between each other very badly depending on how under your skin something got. IMO: A lot of schizoid/paranoid/psychological/(whatever the gently caress that mess is) are cognitive handling aberrancies that got exacerbated into more fully mishandled "compounds" of cognitive misfires and habitualized into your rote as your brain tried to work through something normal, like trauma, or stress. Of course since a habit can form very quickly or take a while, and we only exist in the moment, it's difficult to keep track of when, how, why, and where internally that happened because we don't exactly have a history graph of everything that happened neurochemically and rationally inside you. We're memory dependent on that one, which is of course subject to this same internal system, and while very good, what you need or are trying to remember is not always immediately available. After *that* initial pot-stir of bullshit, then next a person's subjectivity then comes into play, and can blend in anything such as trauma, fear, misapplied life experience, incorrect assumptions, or even sadly doctors and professionals' either well formed or misguided and understandably frustrated recommendations as the patient's life "gets away from them" and they find fewer and fewer answers in existing texts, which is why as a long-term patient your life may feel like a form of attrition. Then, of course, these things stuck bothering you are whirling around in there with all the other things that bother you in your life, and they tend to morph into and subsume each other, turn into bigger problem-golems, etc. because you only have so much time in a day to deal with existence as a whole, and paying strong attention to things that need them like that take multiple days, weeks, even months to fully unpack. Giant pain in the loving rear end! I can't remember what you said in that one PM to me, but getting in some good "doorway wipes" to step out of the moment actually is a very good way of phrasing that; the next thing you need is to identify one consistent "meditative" method (for me I have a mantra; "these are all echoes of habits past" because they are) for purposes of creating a loop apart from the other crap that replaces it with peace and silence instead. You have to choose the words carefully and keep them as close to objective as possible, because making them fanciful, cute, or softening their blow in any way risks emotional or definitional mishandling that can track you in a direction that doesn't heal quite as efficiently. They very much are, too. All habit. Anything in your past that hits you here in the present IMO is just an echo of habit. Your little muscular twitches, your quirks of movement, speech, and pathos. It's just all stuff that's happened to you as the meat gundam you are, and of course it affects you. It happened to you! But the thing is, where anything can be a trigger, then you can get all these different things enmired in each other, and create "chains" of cause and effect that manifest as supercritical tic meltdowns. In short: You're not actually *permanently* hosed up, but it does feel that way and thus inescapable because it's a loving lot of weight (and this btw contributes to your inability to escape, because you are locked in a non-euclidian lie lol) because the human brain is capable of millions of beats, even at once, but when that in any way gets compartmentalized your existence and rote especially turn into a very weird soup. You can however strain this soup, but just remember it is not going to be fixed overnight. Especially if you've had a bunch of doctors telling you like ohhh this will work, ohhh this will work, they might have only been able to try their best, because again, any and all mental conditions are going to manifest primarily in the subjective and internal due to our individual nature, healthy or not. Humans are the opposite of hiveminded. Waffle House has issued a correction as of 15:50 on Jun 12, 2022 |
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Jun 12, 2022 15:20
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I can edit it out if you like, it was spot-on and accurate though, and worked as a useful building block for me.
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Jun 12, 2022 18:19
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"My soul? Personal Agency you say? Neigh! I am but a horse, and rider, but not somehow considerable as both such all at once when describing the sensations..." It absolutely does describe the perceptible fumbliness and non-instant nature of personal internal accomplishment though. Come on self, come on...almost there...
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Jun 20, 2022 14:37
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Awh, poo poo man. I'm sorry. Are you in a new town, or just trying to find new company? That can be discouraging as gently caress when you're still trying to feel out the ground around you in a new social circle. Don't fall for those constant and honestly completely normal insecurity pitfalls during the uncertainty period; it can be hard to remember the truth that people are all jovial fools and knaves just like you when you're re-establishing, and you have that need to express interpersonal personal importance because of your new angle of attack.
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Aug 18, 2022 04:34
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Ronwayne posted:I need to get out and socialize but no idea where to start. Being a big gruesome white dude in a border town looking for new social groups to join radiates powerful cop energy Birria quesadillas/tacos are the hot poo poo on this side of the border right now if there's a good taco truck near you and you want to show up in a an easy way for starters. Bonus, support local business!
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Aug 18, 2022 16:41
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StashAugustine posted:Thanks for the input. It's kind of the opposite problem for me, I graduated school at the end of 2020 but I'd been in and out since 2011 so it feels like I keep circling around these groups that keep forming and dissolving and never really being part of any of them. Someone did text me afterwards to say they realized it was my birthday later, which was nice but I still feel like I'm just completely lost. I called in sick yesterday, and given time and my regular therapist appointment yesterday I'm feeling better, but I'm definitely in a seriously apathetic mood right now- I'm functioning at work but I don't really wanna do anything at all but play video games for the near future Honestly I think that's everyone. Like, seriously, loving same. Personally I feel that if you were born after the inception of ARPANET you're just gonna feel some type of way like this, as we're no longer in possession of the socialization lenses we used to look through before that. Rose tinted they are, though...Things got faster, and we realized it collectively, so now everything that was established beforehand seems slow and depressing even by comparison. Bummer that the future can't help but look grim to generations like ours blindsided by the speed of it all, but even that's a lie because we're truly no different as species, just...it's harder to feel comfortable with any found equillibrium because we can see right through each other and all are excited to DESERVE to be picky and find the best. IMO: socialization is actually overplentifully accessible and it is pretty stressful and kinda sucks for the sheer volume of it, causing a whole raft of complexes that we barely even currently understand, much less can be expected to care to personally compensate for in our lives. So, long story short...nah, you ain't crazy, and your upset is legitimate and I see you there. You're clearly not incapable of socializing but my GOD is there a lot to impersonally bitch about. Just look at these loving weird times lmao Uganda Loves Me posted:I finally just quit my Prozac cold turkey. I was on a low dose (20mg) and my psychiatric NP had the great idea of tapering down by taking it every other day. I was experiencing fresh withdrawal symptoms every other day. On the other days, the serotonin was spiking upward. What a confusing mess. I messaged my NP, and said we should have tapered down by reducing the dose, rather than skipping days. They gave me a 10mg prescription, but I haven't touched it. The dose was low enough, and I rode out the worst of the withdrawal symptoms. I just wanna say good job on recovery. Like if you can drop assistive medication like that, that speaks of true growth and strength to me, that is a loving hell of a personal mile marker. "I found the relief and strength, at last." Waffle House has issued a correction as of 22:45 on Aug 18, 2022 |
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Aug 18, 2022 22:43
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Uganda Loves Me posted:Thank you. I'm only sharing my story in bits and pieces, though. I'm being treated for bipolar disorder, and we're now adjusting to the additional ADHD diagnosis I received a week ago. SSRIs like Prozac are not a great idea for bipolar disorder, but I was extremely depressed last year so the NP was throwing everything at the wall to see what stuck. I am just loving amazed that in all of life's cognitive whirl you managed to squarely nail down any, much less a whole healing sequence. Like, please, never stop congratulating yourself on it, even the smallest of successes should always, always, always outweigh the blizzard of loving bullshit that ails you in life, but that itself is such a loving bear to even allow yourself to feel given the frontload that said blizzard can foist on you. StashAugustine posted:Yeah this is a grad student/young adult group that I've been sort of in and out of and most of them were friends with my brother (who just moved away), I even went on a road trip to a wedding with some of them a week or two ago. So it's not quite how do I meet people but mostly feeling like no one is interested in me- maybe I just don't fit in with that group but that'd mean trying to find something completely different. I'm also mostly posting this because it feels like the anhedonia and despair have set in again- I'm trying to watch a movie, it's a good movie, but I can't seem to focus on it at all. I do have an online group chat that's been supportive recently but I don't want to keep bringing it down again, so I guess I'm posting here instead Ever with that baseless insecurity!! I swear, this loving kills me all the time, and it's never actually true; to me it's like (1) I haven't found people I really engage with, and I have that sense of duty to self to socialize, but (2) loving...that goddamn parasocial paranoia you get from being unable to read people's minds, that due to the power that Mazlow's needs have over you, instantly makes you spiral so loving fast into the self-doubt, questioning, and those feelings of worthlessness.  It's just such a loving pain in the rear end, but totally not real or fair to us as a species. I have no idea what vestigial-rear end instinct it's based on, but I wish I could just yeet it from my loving brain forever.
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Aug 19, 2022 05:13
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Hey, I had a huge breakdown over a year ago in this forum after a decade of self-isolation/PTSD, and wanted to check in and let everyone in here know that I'm doing well; I finally got a decent job with excellent benefits, including health insurance, and am actually seeing better therapy. CBT helped a lot; I had to do a lot of the unpacking on my own, but the contributing arrows and events were easy to remember, and fortunately easy to discuss with therapists. The delusions of grandeur aside, the worst symptoms were the weird heart palpatations and muscular twitching. I was nigh aphasic for a while, like I had a hard-learned mistrust of my own internal monologue that I think swept some of my other networks. Take care of yourselves, remember to get good sleep, and stay hydrated. Your brain pressing eject on itself is loving brutal, but you can overcome anything if you put your mind to it.
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May 10, 2023 17:04
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FirstnameLastname posted:meditation/mindfulness is an exercise in helping your brain have an easier time telling the difference between what's external stimulus and what's internal, what stimuli can be influenced by you and what can't be this mf know what's up Pajser posted:is it possible to a have depression so deep that weed does not work anymore? It's been a week since I smoked previously, today i'm more darkly bored than usual so I supposed I could smoke a bit. But nothing.... Yo it definitely is possible. Boredom is a devil.
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May 29, 2023 17:12
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Hello goons, just posting to say/remind that you are strong, very firenze and don't take no poo poo from no man
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Jun 3, 2023 16:09
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StashAugustine posted:Ugh got hit with anxiety attacks last night and now midday at work, fortunately I could take an early lunch. I'm doing a lot better at handling them but ugh it sucks that they're recurring and im not quite sure what the trigger is That does definitely happen, the hungry-anxiety thing. Obviously, make sure you're taking soooooomewhere near enough calories and water to avoid body-depression.
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Jun 6, 2023 04:04
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Hey, hope everyone's doing well in here. Just checking in and offering a shoulder or a quotable post if you need to vent or let poo poo out.StashAugustine posted:Had an insomnia attack last night and have felt tense and upset most of the day. I've been able to keep most of the mental problems down, mostly by recognizing that I'm having a physical episode that's making it hard to think clearly and that ive beaten it before and just need to wait it out again, but still sucks that I'm having trouble sleeping and dealing with these symptoms. Got a bit of an upset stomach and my heart feels fast and heavy, plus my whole body feels tense and tired. I don't know exactly why this came back right now- there's a few minor things here and there but nothing worse than the usual baseline. Caffeine at all? It is an adrenal stimulator.
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Jun 11, 2023 18:50
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StashAugustine posted:Caffeine probably isn't helping I guess, but idk if its decisive. I pretty much always have a teacup of coffee in the morning, and over the past few weeks I've been slowly getting sucked back into having a caffinated soda around midday to get through work- though I didn't have soda yesterday when I ended up with insomnia that night, and I had a few months of being relatively calm while still having coffee. Ahhh, I get that too, sometimes; if I have too much caffeine, or it's still in my system and I get insomnia, it potentiates the jitters the next day. Are you on any medicines that might overlap that in the body chemistry sense?
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Jun 11, 2023 19:15
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Hey! Just buzzing in to wish everyone da best, a happy Sunday, clear skies, and good brains
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Jun 25, 2023 16:03
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Ice Phisherman posted:
Sunscreen! Witeldram posted:I feel like I have the opposite of seasonal depression sometimes, I'm happy in the winter but depressed in the summer. I love the winter because I enjoy the cold weather and the holidays, but during the summer I always feel depressed as everyone else around me seems to be travelling and enjoying their summer while I'm practically doing nothing. Don't guilt yourself; summer is too hot to do anything.
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Jun 26, 2023 05:06
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ricecult posted:I've been doing uber eats and while I wouldn't say "definitely don't do this" I really wouldn't recommend it either. I would say it averages to about 17 an hour, but that's not factoring in gas, wear and tear, and the fact that it's pretty tedious (although that's a lot of jobs). I did this to survive for a while, and still do sometimes. It is what it is. Get a job with health insurance and benefits.
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Jun 28, 2023 14:37
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Osv18 posted:my ex and I just split up over covid. watching her demask pushed me into suicidality and got me involuntarily confined in the hospital for a month. Turn it around fast, my guy, you got this. Those little proclivities sometimes turn into major mental sticking points and occasionally a full out psychoses about something; good news is that it never takes as long as you think it does to UNstick, you just gotta develop those $&@! mental twitch reflexes away from the bad poo poo. Patch it all up, especially with your ex/social circle. Keep the apologies brief strong and sincere, and keep moving back towards health while everyone else does their own sonder-side minor ironing-out over what interrupted your life. Waffle House has issued a correction as of 19:00 on Jun 28, 2023 |
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Jun 28, 2023 18:58
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Osv18 posted:my ex has requested that I don't talk to her anymore. I am making amends with everyone else. That'll happen. You've got this, man! Get it!
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Jun 28, 2023 21:20
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Christe Eleison posted:man I’m getting worsening brain zaps from anxiety even though I’ve been managing well with medication lately. not fun. not quite sure what to do about them. What exactly are brain zaps, like what do they feel like? I've heard about them, like when you're on certain medications?
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Jun 29, 2023 14:06
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wash bucket posted:Have you ever had a random muscle twitch so suddenly that it surprised you and kinda hurt a little bit? It feels like that except centered in you head and it interrupts your thoughts. Like a sudden mental muscle cramp. Holy poo poo. I actually have had those before. I thought it was just my eyes doing weird things when I shift them too fast. That is super bizarre, I've never taken antidepressants.
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Jun 29, 2023 14:48
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Ronwayne posted:Where on the scale does the "crystal meth smoking manager who sleeps in the gap between the freezer and roof after close and makes homemade dildos he leaves laying around" fall? Yo I feel like this got overlooked for some reason, but: (1) what the gently caress (2) would you mind elaborating for us please, perhaps in a thread somewhere else 
Waffle House has issued a correction as of 14:25 on Jun 30, 2023 |
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Jun 30, 2023 14:12
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Zeroisanumber posted:Getting all of my medications sorted out after my ADHD diagnosis and dealing with the existential realization that I've been walking around brain damaged for my entire life and it's probably had a radical effect on who I am and where I've ended up. otoh you finally stood up and did something about it, so in fact, congratulations
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Jul 1, 2023 23:52
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Pajser posted:its not numbing me anymore and im afraid these days im going to do something truly stupid You really have to find another outlet for it if that's where you're feeling and to the point of concessions on your own self-control. Sounds like there's a lot of bullshit happening to you, or generally on your mind (poo poo, ain't that the loving truth) but you've gotta find something that lets you offgas and pour it out into a parallel instead of internalizing things and stewing. Also, definitely talk to a therapist asap, they're trained pro listeners, and really do help with caked-on crap. poo poo, I just started working out recently and it feels great. My goal is bulking and biceps. I kinda want to take up boxing, too, because I discovered I have a fairly meaty and fast swing.
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Jul 3, 2023 00:18
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a strange fowl posted:poverty sucks. i have now cleaned enough toilets that my bank account has (barely) four figures in it for the first time in years. do i use this to move out of home? or do i spend it on some of my long-untreated medical problems? or do i hold onto it in case of unexpected disaster? i can only choose one, and if i make the wrong decision, it will take months of grinding to save up enough for a second go, so i am paralysed by worries like "what if i spend all this money and then my dog gets hit by a car or something" lol poverty is such a loving pandemic and we lie to ourselves biiiiigtime about its severity and effects on us, especially health and mental, as the butt-end sufferers of the problem The universe doesn't apologize, so here: Sorry everything blows loving dicks. I'm here with you man, a lot of us are and feel the same crush.
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Jul 30, 2023 16:34
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I just went back and read my meltdown post. Holy poo poo I was hosed up. I remember the feeling of that, too; purestrain Lovecraftian insanity creeping up the hairs of your neck as reality itself dissolves and swirls around you in a psychedelic, drug-free disasterscape, and there's nothing you can do to stop it because it's all on a learned autopilot of reflex and unconscious habit where you have no control over yourself because that's just how it developed. A perpetual motion machine of grand delusion and loss of control. I'm lucky. I can't believe I'm not homeless or dead right now.  I should write about this somewhere. Or maybe become a neurologist/psych.
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Jan 7, 2024 17:13
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Spaced God posted:Lol yesterday marked ten years since I last self harmed and tried to kill myself and I spent it with my girlfriend being very happy and I didn't even realize the date until this morning. I think I've come a long way since then. Don't even really get worked up thinking about it. Congratu-loving-lations. Holy poo poo, that's a hell of a better place to be on a 10 year anniversary.
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Jan 21, 2024 17:51
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Post-schizophrenia, public diary 1: I remember working my city job, cruising around downtown in a Sprinter van and being completely terrified by the homeless around me experiencing the same things I did; there but for the grace of god go I, rambling into the ether, talking to people that aren't there, suffering grand states of delusion, lost, entranced, entrenched in their own little worlds. I spoke to some of them. "There's no way you're schizo." "poo poo, man, god bless, it's hard. This all loving sucks out here." When I first started experiencing symptoms, it was truly unsettling and terrifying. Your brain will do anything it can to escape the torture of it, grasping for answers wherever you can find them in all five stages of grief. First a Denial: no, I'm not sick, this is something terrible that befell me. I simply must get to the bottom of this. Anger: No loving way. I'm not sick. gently caress this poo poo, CLEARLY the goddamn government uses a pre-war AI that lives in the airwaves found me by accident because I tripped ECHELON by some awful trick of my compounded existence. Clearly I am not to blame. Bargaining: Okay, now that I've happened on the above suuuuuper universal truth, I say as I corncob into a nightmare state of paranoia exacerbated by the times and how people interact with media and each other, I'll just work with it until I figure out a solution to the situation that befell me, and I'll grow stronger for it. Depression: This ever-changing and ever-adapting landscape of my delusions is really hurting me; I can't seem to escape it. I can't get out of bed. Everything is compounding, and no matter where I turn or what I turn to, there's rejection, fear, and the looming hoary specter of eternal suffering and the distance I'm falling. What's worse is that with no solution, and no therapy or help, I'm picking up more and more bad habits. Acceptance: Wow, I'm in loving bad shape. What the gently caress happened? I have to get back up, even if I have *gulp* permanent damage, I know the body and mind can unlearn bad habits just as hard as they learned them. Like the turtle on its back, you flail around for all explanations and remedy, stuck in a permanent-feeling cycle of falling, failing, and then in your vulnerable state validating your secret, dreadful, internalized narrative by angel-numbers-ing through life. Everything in the news seems to point to your One Horrible Path that you've carved out, and because nobody writes a manual or managed to survive the experience, you end up dying over and over to this awful Gotcha! feeling of the paranoia that creeps in over your thresholds in a poorly-tuned but pervasive Bad Stoichiometry of self-exploiting misunderstanding and that horrid Sink into the comforts of inevitability and despair that you feel on Can't Get Out of Bed depression days. Your internal monologue becomes Voices In Your Head; you forget your beautiful voice and perfectly normal responses to things to a sense of being invaded by Another, or an Otherness. You become easily distractible by anything that validates what you have come to Know, and you've forgotten oh so much of yourself. It takes sincere effort suddenly to cling to the you that you know, and your natural ebbs and flows become terrifyingly lost to this new feeling of being torn apart. Even your body feels possessed as you start attributing your old and new quirks to, and becoming the disorder; before you know it you're stuck in a multiple personality, uncertain hell. Your body's hormonal secretions start to gently caress you up because you internally lost sight of the normal processes that regulate YOU, not just your body. You become afraid of endorphins. You sink further into grief, which only starts to potentiate itself. It's then that all your mental illnesses start to really burn you up and compound; time-kneaded feedback loops of pain and suffering start playing the most significant role in your life, and you continue to wither as you shut down all over yourself. In my case, because this was happening during COVID, you just succumb to your latent isolation, stop going out, give up on your basic responsibilities in life, lose your apartment, and forget your friends and family for this new hell that you're trapped in, day-in-day-out. There's no escape. There's no rope out of the chasm. Later it turns out that nobody tricked you to be here, and you've developed this horrible instinct to stay with it, because it gave you comfort in uncertainty. With only yourself to blame, there's no enemy to slay, and you're a ghost, forever falling back to, and chasing yourself through a maze of your own unconscious design, constructed and trapped by the sum total of your life's experiences and the human brain's amazing natural ability to rationalize and construct as it forges onward through shot and storm, firing HARD on whatever it is it's fed, as always. But you fight. YOU GET UP. gently caress YOU, REALITY. I DO NOT ACCEPT THESE CRUEL CARDS SO DEALT. WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP. YOU HAVE TO LIVE. YOU ARE DOWN TO THIS EDGE, AND THERE'S NO TURNING BACK. GLORIA GAYNOR HELP ME I WILL SURVIVE. THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO STILL LOVE YOU, AND YOUR HARD SUPERDENSE rear end REMEMBERS ALL THE WAY BACK TO YOUR CHILDHOOD. YOU CAN DEFINITELY HAZARD A COUPLE OF loving GUESSES AS TO WHAT STICKS IN YOUR SPOKES BROKE YOU DOWN AND BROUGHT YOU HERE, AND YOU CAN FASHION A loving OAR TO GET YOURSELF ACROSS THIS STYX AND START AVOIDING AND WRITING OVER IT ALL. You are a modern man! EMPOWERED absurdly beyond anyone even the wildest dreams of a decade as recent as the 1980s! You can figure this poo poo out! It takes nothing to see through the same despairs and pitfalls that other people have endured! YOU WILL BUILD BETTER BACK, AND YOU WILL BEAT THIS poo poo. gently caress IT, there's nothing to lose and everything to gain! Slowly, you put down the broken pieces of presumption and paranoia you picked up and refashioned into cognitive comfort, instead accepting the hard truth; that these were sharp and dangerous things which you picked up the wrong way, and they are actively hurting you unless you let them go. You start to mend, the painful first steps of figuring out what to do with your damage merely the tip of the iceberg to your inevitable success. You start getting up every day and establishing routine where even you didn't have it before. You go outside and start walking. You start cooking again. You stop flinching every time something sensitive triggers you in every medium. You don't fall prey to your old ways, feeling better every time you notice something lovely gone, or a vast improvement you never had before. You start healing. You survive. You live. Things start minimizing, mitigating, and resolving. Even the relapses start to feel less painful, because you accept that nothing happens overnight, and slowly you become a better person and stronger for it. You reach back out and find not only therapy and medication, but meditation, community, old friendships, your fuzzy children, playing games with your old LAN party high school homies again who never left you. You reconnect with your family. You do things you've needed to do for a long time. You resolve old problems. You start mending things, and so do you mend the very same. You are more careful with yourself and your habits, because you caught a lucky break, and this is your moment; be stronger. Better. Harder, faster, even. This is it. You only get one shot.
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Feb 14, 2024 01:29
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Jorge Bell posted:lol but i'm nodding and lighting a torch Trust me, having been there all week long, 24/7, all you're doing is missing some form of personal apotheosis for miles (whether God or otherwise) by letting yourself suffer the course and opportunity costs of dementia, paranoia, and conspiracy theories.
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Feb 14, 2024 03:31
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Karach posted:As a person who identifies as mentally deranged, some of this seems similar to the hosed up junk that goes on inside my own head, but the stuff that isn't seems bizarre and terrifying; there are whole horizons of madness out there I could walk toward, apparently. Thanks! It was a giant pain in the rear end; I point to cognitive behavioral therapy and especially my re-integration into community around me as key success factors. I would love to caution you to be careful with yourself and treat your life right, because you deserve it. Your empathy is spot on, here, too; IMO prior "basic" anxiety and depression, as well as life factors like poverty and other dearths and hits to Mazlow's Hierarchy are contributing stressors that can ultimately lead you towards deeper collapses and believe it or not *escape* into things like dissociative disorders, should your CHOICE (whether conscious or unconscious, which is where it starts to get you) be to spend time developing and HONING an internal capital-p Paranoid belief structure that you re-center around, for example. Avoid isolation/despair for starters, socialize and play videogames with your bros, and engage in healthy but easy practices like taking walks, having cool pets you hang out with, and IMO cooking to provide good internal nourishment in the face of all the stupid-rear end bullshit that modern society shovels on us every day. It's really easy to sink into a loving pit these days, don't let crap govern your internal wellbeing. Rookoo posted:The positive part at the end gave me a boost so thanks, same goes for some other posts I've seen when skimming this thread. You got this poo poo homie. GET IT.
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Feb 15, 2024 17:58
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Ronwayne posted:Speaking of the hierarchy, thanks to being able to secure the bottom bit I was able to rest, eat, drink, and sleep away this horrible cold (not roni thank god) over the past week and not make it worse trying to rough it/tough it out. I didn't see anyone respond to this, but congratulations on getting back up! People who have not experienced even a light bout of homelessness or poverty before just really cannot compare.
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Feb 21, 2024 03:59
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Ronwayne posted:Thank you. The truly hosed up part (one of them) is realizing there are tiers of homelessness and I'm like "okay, got a foot stamp card, a car that works to sleep in and $150 for the month, I'm technically hobo royalty". Yep, you and I were kings in the same regard; in the month or two before I got my little Studio set up I had a car to sleep in and UberEats to fill my wallet when my meatpacking job wasn't shoring it up right. Showered and Sauna'd every morning and evening at the Y before and after work. Somehow managed! Good job, keep up the good work.
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Feb 21, 2024 17:56
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