shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: Don't keep talking to me in that fancy cashier talk lady!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: Don't keep talking to me in that fancy cashier talk lady!

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Serperoth posted:

I thought that kind of people was confined to the net.
Either they're escaping or the story is a bit less than 100% absolute truth.

My favourite part is how even the friend realizes how obnoxious the writer is.

I like how the author brags about being obsessed with Marvel, like that makes them super cool or something.

# ¿ May 7, 2013 15:12

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# ¿ May 18, 2024 03:47

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Das Boo posted:

I kinda wanna see a STDH about an atheist going into a balls-out freakfest because someone's a "C-c-c-cuh-CHRISTIAN!" and bolting from the establishment. Complete with Scooby Doo sound effects.

(I am a devout christian, and I work at a haunted house during Halloween dressing as a werewolf and scaring people. I have a tattoo of a cross on my wrist that says "love God" under it, but my costume covers it. I see a man with long hair in a green shirt and his dog coming, so I prepare to jump out and scare them)

Long Hair: This place isn't scary at all, monster's aren't real just like GOD.

(The dog seems to say something about hating religion, but I must of just misheard.)

Long Hair: Heh, yeah

(At this point I jump out to scare them, but it doesn't seem to work)

Long Hair: HAH, nice try but you can't scare me. I'm an ATHEIST

Me: Oh, what would have happened if you where religious?

Long Hair: Hah, if I believed in that fairy tale I'd be too busy praying and being an idiot.

Me: What if I where religious?

Long Hair: Well...

(He seems to get nervous and start looking around.)

(I slowly start pulling off the glove covering my tattoo.)

Long Hair: Wh-what are you doing?

(I completely remove the glove, revealing the tattoo)

Long Hair: C-c-c-cuh-CHRISTIAN!

(The dog makes an odd bark that sounds like "R-R-R-RUUUUUN!")

(They where found two hours later hiding in a closet. I completely forgot about the incident until I saw the man and his dog two years later handing out flyers for a church. He recognized me and said I had changed their lives.)

NoUU has a new favorite as of 15:58 on May 7, 2013

# ¿ May 7, 2013 15:54

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

DrHerpington posted:

Atheism.

Anti-popular-girl Syndrome.

Stereotypical popular girl and guy names.

Setting it in middle school.

Being inexplicably friends with someone you really dislike.

Being allowed to just sit in someone's house after dropping a bomb like that, instead of being asked to leave because it's personal.

Somebody's mom believing another kid's story automatically.

Using a British word to sound fancy ("twat", but "arse" and "bloody" could count too).

OK seriously :wtc:

. Did you really have to add the part about being pregnant with the next Jesus? Was just plain pregnant too boring for your fantasy land?

Edit: Oh lord the replies on reddit

quote:

This is a perfect story. Not only is Kim completely out of control, she's also rude, and fairly stupid about religion. I love the way you bide your time and effortlessly, sweetly, politely, and helpfully consign her to a raging inferno of De-Mom-ic fury.

NoUU has a new favorite as of 05:23 on May 10, 2013

# ¿ May 10, 2013 05:20

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

loving reddit.

quote:

I'm not sure if you're trolling or just have no idea who I am, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt.
In addition to almost 7 years as a confessed meme addict, I have moderated the largest meme forum on the Internet (at over 2 million subscribers) for over a year. You think I don't know memes? In that time I have removed over 400posts for not following subreddit guidelines. In addition to my moderation responsibilities I am one of the most active writers on knowyourmeme.com. You think I don't know memes? Then how do I write articles about them on a site called knowyourmeme? Several mainstream blogs have contacted me to ask about the recent meme phenomenon and each has been thankful and enlightened with what I had to tell them. It's not just limited to blogs though. Several companies have asked me to review their meme ads to avoid a failure like Toyota's meme commercial. Just last week a major food company contacted me with a paid offer to help them on a new ad campaign. I declined when I researched the company and saw that they had contributed money to socially conservative groups.
It's safe to say that I am one of the world's foremost experts on memes and in fact there is no one I can think of that has a meme resume as impressive as mine. So please tell me, what are your qualifications to say that I don't know what a meme is

I am the god of memes and companies often pay me for advice on memes. But I won't help conservative groups and their magic sky god.

# ¿ May 31, 2013 18:58

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

I need to stop going on Imgur.

DrHerpington posted:

STDH about stuff they see IRL? Pretty sure they add in the gendering a lot of the time, as well as the relationship between the people. That last video games/Trix one? Probably someone's grandma saying video games aren't for kids, and the OP saw a box of Trix and thought about the slogan and made that poo poo up.

I really doubt 90% of STDH has any basis in reality, and they just sit there going "What would make me seem cool and or make some stupid point"

# ¿ Jun 4, 2013 19:30

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

If I get enough internet points, my boss will give me a raise.

I work at a video game company!

# ¿ Jun 5, 2013 05:03

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Leopold N. Loeb posted:

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3503700&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=715

But upon inspection, the whole thing appears to be a multi-level marketing scam.

I don't know anything about this thread but some of those posts really sound like a guy in a commercial at 3am telling me how I can make easy money.

Also what the gently caress why is does this exist here.

# ¿ Jun 9, 2013 03:54

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

yronic heroism posted:

http://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1fygfx/not_sure_this_is_the_best_way_to_deal_with_a/

And then all of reddit got up and fclapped.

"Yeah, she came up to my floor and I met her at the elevator. She starts apologising profusely to which I responded, "Sorry, who are you? I think you may have mistaken me with someone else." Then just said "You have a wonderful day." Felt like my balls grew 3 inches right then and there haha."

I think I did this to my mom when I was 10.

NoUU has a new favorite as of 10:25 on Jun 9, 2013

# ¿ Jun 9, 2013 10:12

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

I really expected a bon mot at the end of this one, but it still didn't happen

e: cropped image a bit

NoUU has a new favorite as of 12:27 on Jun 13, 2013

# ¿ Jun 13, 2013 12:21

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Edit: I tried to google him to see if any of this was true but I only found a poo poo ton of fan pages dedicated to him.

NoUU has a new favorite as of 14:42 on Jun 17, 2013

# ¿ Jun 17, 2013 14:39

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

(Lyrics to a Daft Punk song)

# ¿ Jun 28, 2013 04:19

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

I wonder where they heard that bitch comment and decided to write a story around it.

# ¿ Jun 29, 2013 04:16

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Posted in a child free group

quote:

This might get pretty offensive to any lurkers who are breeders. Heads-up. Coming home from a 14-hour shift at work one evening, I stopped in at a Cold Stone with my carpooling co-worker to get some relief from the heat. There was no one else in the store, or so I thought. Roughly two seconds after stepping up to the counter, two women and a small child came out of the bathroom and sat down at their table. While I'm trying to order my ice cream, the little female cuntmonkey starts screaming at her mother and it is so loud that the server and I have to literally yell at each other to be heard. After five minutes of trying to order my creamy treat and failing, I got angry. The server was obviously not enjoying the situation, either, but couldn't legally ask the spawnbreeder to control her child or leave. I leaned my head back toward the ceiling and over the top of the siren-pitched screaming, yelled, "UGH! CAN I KILL IT!?" Needless to say, the woman was not pleased. She and her friend promptly stood up, hushed the vag-dropping, and escorted it out of the store. Amid the merciful silence, my co-worker and I ordered, and received free ice cream as well as a profuse "thank you" from the server. Apparently the kid had been in there for 20 minutes before I got there, and hadn't shut up since walking through the door. Now, I realize that what I said might have been ill-advised, but when I was a kid, if I did that in ANY public place, I would have been promptly beaten into submission (or at least very quiet sobs) by ANY ADULT within striking distance. And im only 30. And what if I had been an actual serial killer? I don't think those people would have made it back to their car.

If I was a serial killer I would have murdered those female spawnbreeders.

NoUU has a new favorite as of 06:08 on Jun 30, 2013

# ¿ Jun 30, 2013 05:24

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Stop making fun of me on Day Z because I'll get you :qq:

# ¿ Jun 30, 2013 18:17

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Tumblr.

# ¿ Jul 1, 2013 17:16

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

quote:

My moment occurred when I was in 7th grade. When I was younger I was always the smallest kid in class. I didn't get over 5 foot until my freshman year of high school. In 7th grade I was about 4'11" and a whopping 90 pounds. My small stature in elementary school and for most of my adolescence made me an easier target for bullies and evildoers. I used to get beat up regularly by kids in my neighborhood on my walk home from school. I always tried to run or make a last plea for mercy to my attackers, but no quarter was ever granted. They beat me into a pulp, always.
After years of this kind of abuse I eventually moved on from my elementary school into a charter school known as AMS (Academy of Math and Science). My parents felt that this would be a good fit for me as I was in the excel program for my previous education career. Well despite the title, the school still had it's share of bullies and jerks. I identified with the dweeb/nerd/geeks group in my class and we sat together regularly during our lunch period. This was of course prone to the frequent attacks from the "cool" kid group. Usually in the form of verbal assault but occasionally food was taken or thrown etc. On rare occasions violence was threatened but rarely ever used.
Well one day I had received a horrible grade on a English paper which was a large portion of my grade and make it difficult to receive an A overall. My parents were very concerned with my education and I was often punished if I got anything less than an A. Begrudgingly I sat with my friends and ate my lunch, lamenting my English paper when the A-holes started their shenanigans. This involved one kid in particular, Lonnie. A self righteous rear end of a kid if I ever met one. He was the total package though in that time of life. He was buff, played sports, relatively good looking, and everyone knew him. He was the kingpin though, the king of kings, and never failed to assert his dominance on us underlings.
He made a mistake that day. A big one. He messed with me on a day when I was likely to watch my PS2 get buried after my parents saw my English paper grade. Not today butt-fucker.
He threw a bottle cap at me with the simple flick of his wrist and it landed right in my cup o noodles. The only thing keeping me tethered at that moment. Now normally I would let this pass, just shrug it off and accept that a more dominant male has humiliated me, I was used to it anyway. My skin crawled, my head pounded as my heart began thumping harder, my hands trembled. I picked that drat cap out of my soup and I threw that mother effer right back. The Gods must have been with me that day because the cap flew as straight as an arrow and struck that Thunder oval office right between the eyes.
His friends erupted in laughter, my friends erupted in laughter, and the rage inside him was evident. Wanting revenge and vindication he marched right over to where I was sitting, laser emitting from his eyes. Silence ensued in the cafeteria. I gulped down my swollen throat as realization set in.
Trembling and fearful I stood to face my assailant. An evil grin spread across his face as he got within distance of me.
"Think that's funny do you tender rear end?" (My last name is henderkrass) Sweat began to bead down my forehead. In an instant he lunged forward and shoved my with his might and pushed me over the seat and onto my head.
The cafeteria emitted a dull but resounding "Oooo," from the onlookers.
I stood up with tears in my eyes, scared, angry, and hurt. His evil knew no bounds, "Want more little girl?" He defeated me, yet still continued to pursue me. Evil, pure evil.
Then like a wave a transformation came over me. I went super sayan.
This is for every fist that hit me, this is for every name I've been called, this is for every time you stole my lunch money, THIS IS FOR EVERY TIME YOU LAUGHED WHILE I CRIED, THIS IS FOR EVERY KID LIKE ME THAT YOU HAVE RUINED.
I attacked like an abused pittbull let off it's leash. Through the tears my rage knew no bounds. I stuck him in the throat with a solid right. No mercy. I struck him again in the mouth with a left hook. KILL. I punched him in the eye with a right hook.
He fell before my eyes. Collapsing into a heap of blood, tears, and sobs. Silence overtook the cafeteria. Not a word was spoken. Not an oreo ingested.
I stood over him fists clenched, knucles white, and I began to sob. Tears poured out of my face as I screamed in pain. A teacher finally arrived on the scene. Grabbed me by my waist and hoisted me over his shoulder to the principals office.
To you Lonnie, I am not sorry.

Here's the followup, which is the best part

quote:

He sure did! Well if you can believe this. He went to all his friends and had them tell the principal that I attacked him unprovoked. Luckily for me the principal was a nice lady and could tell that it was all B.S. I was suspended from school for 3 days as was Lonnie. In addition of course my parents were called in an they had to talk to the principal and the teacher who found me about the incident.
My father is and never has been a loving man. I don't remember a single time off the top of my head where he said "I love you son." Given that fact, praise from him was nearly unheard of. I could always do better in his eyes. However when my father came out of the office after hearing the story he said to me something I cannot forget. Poker faced he walked toward me with his business coat over his arm and said "Is this true?"
"Yes, father."
I stared down at my shoes laces, tears once again welling up in my eyes. My towering father loomed over me, silent for a moment.
A firm hand then touched my head showing his reassurance. Guiding me from my internal self shame and guilt.
"Good job son, I'm proud of you. It takes a man to stand up for themselves."
His hand came off my head and rested once again by his side. His dark eyes staring at me, for the first time, with respect. Without another word he walked out of the building. I grabbed my backpack and followed suit.
Over the next three days I was given chores to do around the house. Usually my chores were manual labor like repairing our fence, trimming hedges, painting various portions of our homes exterior.
I did as such never complaining a single time, I knew I had finally earned some respect from my father. It's all I had wanted for so long. I think many boys go through this hardship but I felt I had finally made progress.
After that my school life was drastically different. The cool kids began to say hi to me in the hallway, girls would make goo goo eyes at me (I was such a nerd I had no idea how to pursue), and my friends still speak of the event as if times of lore. I became somebody in the eyes of my peers from then on.
Lonnie's career went downhill from there. He became despondent and avoided me at all costs. Ostracized and now dubbed an outcast he took a turn into a tumultuous and deviant life. He turned to black tar heroine before the year ended. A horrible substance to depend on as it washes your hopes and dreams away with a plunge of a syringe. Few can return from such a journey.
My understanding of Lonnie turns to gossip and rumor afterwards as he moved on to Highschool. I once heard a tale of him assaulting a teacher over giving him a failing grade, though I largely attribute that exaggeration.
One thing is for sure, his path went dark.

Lonnie got addicted to black tar heroin in middle school.

# ¿ Jul 2, 2013 15:19

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Went to a cafe wearing jeans and a t-shirt, everyone there could not believe what I was wearing and was talking about it while I read my book. I was then attacked and no one helped because everyone's sexist.

# ¿ Jul 3, 2013 09:34

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

reddit posted:

The following events, due to their nature, are only alleged to have happened: Someone resembling myself, was in a fraternity in college. Pranking was par for the course. However, it should be said, we were quite good at pranking. Usually it wasn't malicious; more so simply creative and funny. But this one time, a rival fraternity took it a little to far with us, so we were forced to whip out a trump card prank, (allegedly)....this is what what went down.
We had security cameras outside of our fraternity house. Right after school let out around the beginning of June, a rival fraternity stole our letters. And they took a poo poo in the drivers seat of my personal vehicle. We saw what fraternity was responsible. And thus, there would be hell to pay.
We threw a party that weekend and padlocked out bathroom doors shut. All peeing and making GBS threads via all patrons, was to be done into plastic five gallon buckets in plywood "stalls" we built on several porches of our triple decker. We capped 16 buckets of loving awful, & let these ferment for like a week and a half in unrelenting 90 degree heat.
One of our brother's fathers owns a pyrotechnics company that sets off 90% of the fireworks in the Northeast U.S.....so we got some of his equipment, some detonation wires, a detonator, and 16 quarter sticks of dynamite.
That Sunday night, 4 in the morning, we take 2 rented, nondescript vans (with cardboard over the plates) and take the seats out from them, load 16 buckets of fermented poo poo & piss into them with 10 of my fraternity brothers. Each of these buckets is capped, with a hole drilled in the top. Inside each bucket is a quarter stick, wired up to some det wire, wired up to a panel detonator (one where you just hit a single switch and it will set off multiple charges simultaneously).
We rolled up to their house just prior to the asscrack of dawn, cardboard over the licence plates, ski masks, all black gear, and unloaded the buckets onto their lawn and had one brother go try and pick the lock. The douche bags LEFT THE DOOR OPEN. So everyone took one or two buckets a piece and hurriedly but quietly proceeded into the house, and put at least one in every room on the ground floor. After this was done (which took all of 10 seconds, as we had lined up the buckets in the order they were wired on the lawn prior to making our entry and just kind of circled them around the ground floor.....) We went outside and emptied the gas out of an airhorn. The lights go on. We wait five seconds or so, till we hear the first, "What the gently caress..."
BANG! Every window on the ground floor of the house blows out. And everything is coated in a fine mist of fermented fecal matter, piss and wet nasty TP. We see a lone brother of theirs, stagger out the door, and fall to his knees screaming, "I can't hear, what happened....gently caress!" Covered head to toe in shitspray so dank he had changed races. We peeled out laughing our asses off. poo poo in my car? gently caress all y'all, in the rear end, with a Sequoia shaft, sideways, with no lube. Hope my poo poo tasted good......there is no way Servepro could make that like it never even happened.....

He then spent the rest of the day defending himself in the comments.

Maybe someone who knows more about this stuff could say if that's true.

NoUU has a new favorite as of 10:45 on Jul 4, 2013

# ¿ Jul 4, 2013 10:40

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Reddit MRA's you say? How about some /r/TheRedPill!

quote:

Treated a Woman like absolute garbage, asks me to come over to fool around, validates all Red Pill Theories

All right so my friend Ash shoots me a text. His friend Misty set him up on a blind date with Sabrina. Sabrina would be attractive but shes a bit overweight had been fully indoctrinated by the Feminist Liberal Media (Mass Effect 3 style). Ash was watching Archer with Sabrina and Misty and was unable to enjoy the show because Sabrina kept interjecting how offended she was about everything. Ash tells me to show up and try to offend Sabrina to the point where she GTFO's to get out of this awful blind date. This I can do.

Shown up. Sabrina and Misty are talking about how they would fight of the imaginary rapists they are constantly imagining if their weird rape fantasies came true. (I know right) Casually point out that: Sabrina you've never been in a physical altercation so all of your assumptions about combat have no value. Sabrina gets super mad at me verge of tears resorts to name calling, tone shaming and yelling. Does the usual. You don't understand women don't stereotype etc.

Sabrina then transitions into how she is a caring individual, and supports all sorts of social justice causes. Continues talking about how she has all the feels and how im an emotionless scum bag.

Get her number from Misty. Start messaging Sabrina mid conversation while still arguing with her in person. Hey you are are really caring person, can you take care of me and give me a hand job? I really respect your fight against the patriarchy, we should fight for equality upstairs while you suck my dick. Sabrina tells me how I am whats wrong with men, while smirking from my texts.

Sabrina leaves telling me how there is a million things wrong with me. Get a text from her 30 min later to come over for some fun.

I don't go because Sabrina isn't worth the drive.

# ¿ Jul 5, 2013 11:57

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Just came across "FatPeopleStories".

# ¿ Jul 6, 2013 10:47

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Mr. Mallory posted:

Saw this on another forum I go to.

How can you spend so much time learning how to pick up women and not know how people interact at all.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2013 21:50

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

The day my co-worker tricked my manager into punching a 12 year old in the face

I don't even know where to start.

# ¿ Jul 7, 2013 13:25

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Red Pill also makes me sad, here's some more light hearted STDH.

# ¿ Jul 8, 2013 10:16

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Fake notes for internet points edition.

# ¿ Jul 10, 2013 19:10

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

NoUU has a new favorite as of 19:09 on Jul 12, 2013

# ¿ Jul 12, 2013 19:07

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

From Tumblr

# ¿ Jul 14, 2013 21:04

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Redditors tell stories about strippers.

# ¿ Jul 15, 2013 18:51

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Posted to /r/trees

"Last table of the night, I love my job."

He also commented "It was a girl who left it (with her number!) I already made plans to smoke her out :p"

NoUU has a new favorite as of 16:47 on Jul 20, 2013

# ¿ Jul 20, 2013 16:44

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

All these whores keep abusing their privilege and cutting in line they need to be stopped! :qq:

# ¿ Jul 22, 2013 14:42

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Not your usual STDH.

# ¿ Jul 24, 2013 05:03

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

The only true part is that he probably is an rear end in a top hat about it when people say "God bless".

# ¿ Jul 25, 2013 07:50

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

# ¿ Jul 27, 2013 19:29

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Also from Tumblr

# ¿ Aug 1, 2013 20:13

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Revenge fantasies are my favorite STDH.

# ¿ Feb 4, 2014 13:49

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

Edit: The latest episode of TheFPlus has some good STDH

NoUU has a new favorite as of 21:48 on Feb 12, 2014

# ¿ Feb 12, 2014 21:04

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

The text in this is NSFW

# ¿ Feb 23, 2014 02:49

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

quote:

It's my first post. Be gentle, but know I like it kinky.

In Junior High, there was this little pricks who I'll reefer to as Darenmcasshole, or Daren for short, Scumbag Steve, and Scumbag Stacy. All throughout 7th, 8th, and 9th grade theybullied me to no end. I told them I'd get them one day, but every time they scoffed me off. The starting day of High school every one of them learned why the phrase is "Keep your friends close, but your enemies CLOSER is the way it is. Daren shoved me once, and I brought in some old friends.

This kid had punched me, thrown me against brick walls, hit my face with a dodgeball on numerous occasions, and, hell, even gave me a few black eyes. He pushed me down a hill near the school, tried to hit me with a baseball bat in the head once, and bullied me into doing his work. School refused to do anything short of detention.

Keep in mind, I was the son of a dance instructor. I got to know A LOT of high schoolers, and at the time, could probably have kicked his rear end with grace, technique, and rhythm. However, I wanted this revenge to be sweet. Tangy sweet. The kind of sweet revenge that's been slow roasting in a crockpot for years. I knew he was going to bully me, and so, during the summer, asked a lot of the friends that were in high school already to help me kick his rear end to kingdom come. They asked some friends of their own, who I somewhat knew. By the end of the summer, I had a lot of help; more than I expected.

The plan changed dramatically, however. The high schoolers, in their infinite wisdom of torture, suggested that they get my bullies together somehow. They ended up volunteering to "show a few kids around" to help them get a hang of the building, and they requested those kids. The school was told that they knew them already, as they're both family friends, and that might help everyone out. The plan was simple, everyone met in the football field, which, because no sports had started, could be used for revenge. I could taste the sweet, tangy essence of evil.

One of my friends, let's call her Sasha, told me to wait there. She gave no further instruction, but for some reason had already told everyone that didn't have a "buddy" to wait there before me.

When they arrived in, I had to hold back finding and stroking a white cat.

All I heard of her was "...This is the stadium. This is where the school will teach you not to gently caress with people."

As those little pricks turned around, it felt as if you could just see the blood pouring from their faces.

They slammed Steve up against the wall and punched him in the gut. They let me hit rear end in a top hat in the balls while they held him down.

For Stacy, however, I had a different punishment. I wanted to smash little dear's face in flatter than a pancake. Ended up giving her the black eye and broken nose. I could have had much more done to them all, but I just wanted left alone.

They didn't dare tell a soul.

Tl;DR, I ate revenge soup.

"Honey, where did you get that black eye and broken nose?"

"Nowhere mom!"

# ¿ Apr 4, 2014 19:52

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

This story is even dumber when you can look at this persons post history and see them talking about their highschool.

# ¿ Apr 14, 2014 09:40

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ¿ May 18, 2024 03:47

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

This is at the top of /r/Seduction along with "How to be less of a 'nice guy'" today. NSFW text near the end.

quote:

HELLO Reddit do I have a loving story for you guys. Let me back up to the first meeting so I can clear things up for you guys. I live in the on 42nd street. Here is what the entrance of the building I live in looks like: two doors. One from outside to inside and another from inside to elevator room. The ladies walked as I was right behind them and they were talking and walking slow. As they approached the door they were about 2 feet away from it I was about 1 foot away from it ( I take big steps) I said " let me get that for you " and grab the door and held it open for them. D - first letter of her name- responds with a wow what a gentleman thank you! And her friend A, responds with a who knew they still exist. D is Colombian and Italian.. A is pure Colombian. Both are equally hot ( which is where I had a problem that I'll explain in a bit. Now we are where the elevators are and I responded to their gentleman crap with a " it's a lucky night for you then " and D laughs and asks if I live in this building since she's never seen me before. I respond with I just moved here but I'm definitely looking forward to seeing you more often. She giggles ( notice how I'm not giving A attention it was an accident, I forgot that there were two hot Girls ) we talk for about 30 more seconds I get both names and ages and apt# D realized im on floor 55 she's on 58 and offers me up for a loving drink. This is where my story ended on the previous post. I accept her offer and tell her I'll be up in a bit. I just got out the gym I gotta poo poo shower shave....

Initial Advice: Although I didn't see the girls faces as I got ahead of them when walking, I still held the door, and they ended up being hot and I got a
conversation and an invite. Be a gentleman at all times idc how unoriginal it is.

When I got D and A's name I asked for their names first and held out my hand. I didn't do a man handshake I put my four fingers under each girls( separately) and for a second just lightly brushed my thumb on top of their four finger, both smiled when I did this.

Show loving time: 30 minutes later I'll try to recall as much as I can from this night, I was way too excited but held it in until sexy time ( borat voice) Two beautiful girls, one loving guy. I walk into her apartment and tell both of them as they greet me "tonight's source of entertainment is here"

Her apartment has a mini bar in it so we begin to drink and make small talk. D has curly hair and I have a thing for girls with curly hair and A had straight hair, both equally hot but I was attracted to D more. This lead to a small difficulty which gave me a benefit after. Me and D talked and drank for most of the night I of course included A in 75% of the time. We went from conversations about schools ( they both graduated ) about life, to conversations about sex. I of course tease D the owner of the apartment about her inviting random guys over. They both have tattoos which allows for easy kino. I of course provide other kino as we danced for a bit ( half assed drunk way) and I hugged them both as I came in.

A not getting enough attention from me before tries to justify her worthiness on the topic of sex. She starts telling me insane stories and shows me how flexible she is. I get turned on at this point. A gets up from the floor and asks me if I've ever seen something like that before and the convo goes as Me: that's nice, but it's all about what goes down in the bedroom"

D laughing : "don't be a heartbreaker there's only one of you and two of us.

Me: ( I'm feeling really comfortable in this environment not the 2 girls one guy environment but the previous conversations we had were on quite the emotional level) Barney said it best sharing is caring.

A and D are are next to each other they look at each other and just smile. I'm about 3 steps away from both of them and the bedroom is like 2 feet away from me. A takes the initiative as I walk closer to her and kinda grabs my shirt in a rough but sexual way and kisses me, D starts taking off my pants ( in a half drunk rear end way) ... We killed a bottle of Grants whiskey and I was so loving horny. We end up on the king sized bed pretty quickly. It was hard for me to address both girls simultaneously I won't lie. It was quite difficult but I got the hang of it 2-3 minutes in. There was a lot of head and making out, even between the girls. As weird as it sounds they were like making out on my penis you could say. I brought condoms of course and I lasted for about 6-7 minutes of pure sex but I was able to get hard again ( thank you alcohol ) pretty quick it was weird and hosed the living brains out of A , indeed she was loving flexible. What worked the best was while I hosed one I kissed and fingered the other. The head was amazing towards the end my god. We were so drunk we ended up just falling asleep after about an hour of kissing, oral sex, fingering and loving. I woke up at 5 am to about a gazillion text messages from my family asking me where the hell am I. I forgot I had a family dinner. So I did mess up there. Overall it was a night to cherish/ never forget and I honestly wouldnt be able to do it without you guys on seddit. I seriously opened about 7 sets on my way to get breakfast for the ladies. When I came back and we ate and talked some more about how unforgettable the night would be, they refused to give me their numbers which got me at first. They told me they talked about it as I left and want to remember this moment without any later screw ups. They continued to tell me how last night was one of their greatest nights ( I'm here like poo poo My dick won't be up for another month ) On my way out though D told me A was just a friend and lives in Brooklyn, and that D owns the apartment which I alrsady knew ( she knew where most of the poo poo in the apt was) She told me I can come up for " a drink " as she puts it in quotes any time I want. I kiss her and tell her " you better be very thirsty for the months to come". I found me a FWB.
Overall advice: I was phased by both women and just me so it was scary at first but I didn't show it. I gave D about 60% of the attention and A 40%. This worked well in my favor as A kinda brought up most of the sex stuff I guess to prove her worth to me. I could feel her stare at me when I would talk to D.

Take every chance you can loving get idc if the female is ugly or not, Try to make them smile by holding a door or offering some help. Even if the women you're doing it for doesn't see, chances are other women will.

Make the girl laugh, I realized the whole night D and A were laughing even while we were dancing. It helped ease the mood of me being a stranger and the emotional conversations helped build RAPPORT. College girls are down for bullshit but not bullshit conversations about little kid poo poo. We talked about emotionally vehement things it was quite amazing.

I'm exhausted right now and I have to once again shower. I wrote this as fast as I could and I'm hung over so if there's any problem let me know I'll be more then glad to clear it up.

I love you seddit, bros and family members.

# ¿ Apr 27, 2014 17:12

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