- DemoneeHo
- Nov 9, 2017
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Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca
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I don't blame anyone for not listening to the Dear Prudence podcast, because Prudie tends to meander and repeat his advice. But this past week, the podcast has dug up gold.
Subject: I Gave Away My Boyfriend's Dog And I Lied About It
quote:
Dear Prudence: Five years ago I did something unforgivable. While my boyfriend Kyle was out of town, I gave away his beloved dog. I hate dogs. Kyle is a dog nut who's totally obsessed with them. Instead of breaking up with someone whose values were different than mine, I acted cruelly. I regretted it almost immediately. But I didn't know how to extract myself from this situation without losing Kyle, so I lied and said his dog ran away. We searched for her for months. The more I've fallen in love with Kyle and the longer we've been together, the worse my guilt has become. The fear of him finding out the truth petrifies me too. Now I'm pregnant and the stress of this secret has been crushing. I feel like I've trapped Kyle and I despise myself for it. He knows that I'm stressed, but not why. What do I do? P.S. I deserve the hate and condemnation I will receive.
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Feb 24, 2019 19:41
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May 14, 2024 12:15
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- DemoneeHo
- Nov 9, 2017
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Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca
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Help! My Husband Had an Affair With a Former Student. Should He Still Be Teaching?
quote: Q. Husband had affair with former student: Several weeks ago, I discovered that my husband of 12 years had been having an affair for six months with one of his former high school students, who is now 21. It was an emotional and sexual affair, and he took great risks, such as taking two days off work to spend time with her and going to see her on his lunch breaks and planning periods.
He has been a teacher for a decade and has always been liked by his students, co-workers, and administration. However, after an infidelity early in our relationship that centered around my husband only being able to get his self-worth from attention from women, I expressed my uneasiness about him teaching older high schoolers. He was, of course, offended, and he still says that he has never been attracted to one of his students, although I’m unsure of what I believe now, with him dating someone only six years older than our teenage daughter. His administrators know about the affair, but because she was not a current student, his job is secure.
I have several problems with him continuing to teach as we work through this, even though he says that what sounds a lot like a midlife crisis is over and “the fog has lifted.” We have been in marriage counseling for four months, the same length of time I have been seeing my personal therapist. He has seen his therapist for two years and is now being honest with him about everything, so I do have hope, but I don’t want to place unnecessary stumbling blocks in our path. We have three children, and I want to preserve our family. My issues with him teaching are: The line has already been crossed once, although not as egregiously as it would have been with a current student. Still, I fear that this will make it less taboo and easier to rationalize if an opportunity with a junior or senior presents itself. With a midlife crisis it is so common to end up with a much younger person, and high school is full of girls on the cusp of womanhood and at their physical peak. They’re also usually idiots about men, and I’ve seen a lot of easily impressed teens fawning over how smart or cool or different a teacher is, perfect for an ego that needs stroking. Plus, there’s the age-old teacher-and-student fantasy on both ends to consider, although I can’t imagine what someone that age would see sexually in someone who is almost 40. He has said that he would change careers to keep our marriage but does not want to because much of his identity is tied up in being a teacher. Am I correct that this is not a good environment for him? I believe that he is sincere about wanting to manufacture his own positive self-esteem rather than having someone feed it to him through attention or sex, but there’s no reason to make it harder than it has to be.
I am also worried about his drinking, which had been an issue years ago, with him blacking out nightly until I begged him to stop. It is his way of relaxing now, he says, but he started meeting this former student out at bars and formed the relationship with her there. Alcohol makes people more flirty, sexual, open with secrets, and it makes sharing inappropriate things so much easier. Bars are where single people go to get laid, especially in the city that we live in. It just seems like such a bad idea for that to be a favorite pastime, especially because the infidelity early in our relationship was partially blamed on being high and not thinking clearly.
He’s taking responsibility for his actions, and I’m letting him, but teaching high schoolers and continuing to drink just seem like unnecessary risks to take while we’re trying to save our marriage and family. Am I wrong?
A. Oh, wow. There’s so much wrong here that I’m not quite sure where to start. You’re treating this situation as if your husband were a mostly good man beset by tempting, lustful sirens, and not a blackout alcoholic who’s abused his position as a teacher to groom his students.
This is not a situation that calls for couples’ counseling and fretting about limits. You need to contact the school board today so they can investigate whether there are other students your husband has groomed or possibly abused. The fact that the administration knows he’s dated at least one former student and hasn’t asked any follow-up questions is deeply concerning. He’s saying things like “the fog has lifted” as if turning 40 naturally meant otherwise-rational men would suddenly become seized by an uncontrollable outside force that made them meet former high school pupils in bars. You ask if you’re correct in thinking a high school is “not a good environment” for him, but I urge you to flip that question: Is your husband providing a good environment for teenage students? That he’s somehow managed to convince you he cheated on you at least twice—once with a former student—due to his “low self-esteem” is a remarkable act of deception, and you don’t need to buy this cock-and-bull story. Your husband is not taking responsibility for his actions. He hasn’t changed careers. He won’t stop drinking or going to bars. He’s getting away with everything he wants to.
Your marriage is so much more broken than you’re able to admit to yourself right now. This is not an honest man you can trust. This language about underage girls being at their “physical peak” is absolutely horrifying, and the fact that teenagers are vulnerable and easy to impress is not “perfect” for an ego that needs stroking—those are marks a predator looks for in their prey. Your husband is not teaching a group of fully competent adult seductresses; he’s teaching children, and you cannot try to unload any of his guilt onto them. Please, please encourage the school board to look into his history with students. Fire your therapist and find one who will help you file for a divorce and sort through the lies your husband has been feeding you.
TL;DR: "My husband is an alcoholic serial cheater and I don't trust him around those jezebels in high school, but I won't divorce him."
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Feb 26, 2019 20:36
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- DemoneeHo
- Nov 9, 2017
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Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca
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My Ex-Wife Changed Her First Name to My Fiancée’s Name
quote: Dear Prudence,
After we divorced, my ex-wife kept using my last name. We’d married young and her professional reputation was built with that name, so it made sense. It is a small town, so I’m occasionally asked if we’re related, but it’s not too bad. I’m going to be married to a woman who wants to take my last name and has a fairly unusual, culturally specific first name—think “Gretel.” So she’s now going to be Mrs. Gretel [Myname]. Except my ex has, apparently, recently changed her first name to Gretel too—so they’ll both have the same first and last name. (My ex’s old first name was much more generically popular.)
Obviously, anyone can change her name to whatever she wants, but this seems weird. But what can I do? Tell my fiancée? Try to talk to my ex about it? Just agree with people that it is really weird? I could take my fiancée’s last name, but we both really like my surname, and I’m worried that if there’s something odd going on with my ex that it will just be postponing the real issue.
—Ex Stealing My New Wife’s Name
This is so odd! The closest comparison I can think of is Ron Swanson marrying two women named Tammy on Parks and Recreation (everyone dubbed them Tammy 1 and Tammy 2), but that was just a coincidence, not … whatever this is. Since this is a pretty small town, I’d be surprised if your ex had no idea she was changing her name to match your fiancée’s, but it is possible. If you and your ex-wife are on even remotely friendly terms, it’s worth asking her what prompted the change. Since she’s apparently sufficiently well-established professionally that she’s able to change her first name now, you might ask if she’d consider dropping the use of your last name. But I’d be prepared to hear “no” for an answer and to accept it graciously if you do. Even if she were doing this to somehow get back at you and your fiancée, it’s not like you’d have any way to compel her to undo it. Frankly, it puts you in a pretty good situation, because you get to look reasonable and concerned if anyone asks you about it: “Yes, Gretel and I thought it was odd when [ex] started going by Gretel too. But it is a lovely name!”
A bold power move.
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Mar 2, 2019 18:56
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- DemoneeHo
- Nov 9, 2017
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Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca
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This week in Legal Advice, awful bosses with no boundaries
Boss constantly touches/chokes/body checks me. Others who report similar behavior to HR have been fired.
quote:
NJ: I am an adult male and my boss (male, few years older) consistently touches me in front of dozens of other people in a professional office setting. He has put me in a headlock, he often grabs my shoulders or neck and shakes me, he tousles my hair, he often hipchecks me when I’m standing at someone else’s desk. I’ve told him to stop but that makes it worse. Other people have complained to HR and been fired for this exact complaint, so I feel like I have no recourse there.
On top of that he is a blatant racist and sexist, and says poo poo out loud in the office that I wouldn’t even say to my friends at the bar.
Should I get a hidden camera on my desk and present footage to him or to HR? or try the HR route myself? Should I just talk to him first and then get a camera? Not sure what the best path forward is. Interested to hear your thoughts.
Maybe OP just works for Vince McMahon
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Mar 4, 2019 05:28
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- DemoneeHo
- Nov 9, 2017
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Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca
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And another awful boss
Manager tried to cheat with me; spread rumors I'm an escort.
quote:
My manager came onto me multiple times. I didn't understand his persistence until I realized that my personal Gmail account had been hacked and accessed by people within the company.
I know at minimum my boss had access to my web browsing history, and he also had access to my Google photos, and he had access to all my phone contacts. He was cyberstalking me and spreading my information to coworkers who would also harass me. I was also followed; I saw my manager's car outside my partner's work one day.
When I rejected him, he reported me to HR and began to use my photos and web history to spread rumors that I'm an escort and discredit me.
Coworkers, and eventually HR, were able to vouyer on everything I searched on my phone, because my phone browser was linked to my account.
I found a lawyer who helped me negotiate to sign a NDA with the company in exchange for a severance. I no longer work at the company, but I have not yet received the money.
So I have 2 questions.
1.) I have signed an agreement that includes an NDA. Is this contract, including the NDA, valid if I have not yet received my severance pay in exchange for this agreement? Is this agreement already binding?
2.) I believe the photos were stolen and the rumors were spread not only to discredit me, but to also threaten me into silence. Nonetheless, I am afraid he may continue trying to stalk me, harass me to have sex with him, using these pictures and rumors to protect himself.
I want to flush out this leverage now. Are there any legal ramifications if I told his wife that he tried to cheat with me?
Edit: Washington state Edit 2: Several typos
This is just infuriating
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Mar 4, 2019 05:29
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- DemoneeHo
- Nov 9, 2017
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Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca
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AITA for telling a girl I have been seeing that I won't skip the gym one day a week to see her more?
quote:Background info:
I workout 6-7 days a week. I have been for 6.5 years and well before she was a part of my life, and in fact, my body is likely (though she'd never admit it) what attracted her in the first place.
Lifting is my main hobby. Outside of working (currently ~8:30am-6pm Monday-Saturday, normal hours 9-5 M-F) it's really the only thing I consistently do on a daily basis. I love it, it makes me happy, and it's really the only hobby I have. By the time I get back from the gym it's 8:30-9pm and I'm tired and lay in bed with my cat and watch Netflix until I pass out. I hangout with her either Friday or Saturday night every week.
So, this girl I have been seeing for about a year now brings up the other day how she's been getting "weird vibes" from "people and her family" about how I don't see her enough. She then transitions that to "can you skip the gym one day a week to see me more". I think she already knew I wasn't going to do that-- she knows me, she knows I don't skip unless I have to. But I told her, no, and now she's been being a dick and ice cold for the past 3 days and giving poo poo about how she "sees where my priorities are" and how she's going to "stop giving a gently caress because that's what I want".
I don't think I'm being unreasonable. As I said, it's really my only consistent hobby and I even told her I'd never expect her to skip something weekly that she really cared about. I told her I could even understand if she wanted me to do it occasionally, but to expect me to do it once a week is ludicrous to me.
I understand her intention for the question is just because she wants to see me more which is great, but I don't think she should be treating me like such an rear end in a top hat for telling her it's not really something I'm willing to do.
Reddit, am I the rear end in a top hat?
TL;DR: I workout pretty much daily and girl wants me to start skipping to see her more
Edit - Relevant info for people that don't want to read through 100 comments
1. I asked her if she'd like to join my gym and see each other more often that way, she pretty much said no and it'd be pathetic to join my gym and force me to hangout with her
2. I asked what a day that would work for her is or what would work for her in general, and she read it 30 minutes ago and didn't respond. ----- she responded as I was typing this and said "nothing because now I know it won't make you happy, I'm not forcing you to want to see me. I thought you would want to, but I was wrong".
3. She works out at planet fitness and that really isn't an option for me. I've gone there to meet up with her a couple of times and they set that dumb rear end alarm off for no reason.
Buddy, stop stringing this girl along and dump her so you can marry the real love of your life, your gym.
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Mar 5, 2019 21:53
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- DemoneeHo
- Nov 9, 2017
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Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca
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Enough arguing about the kangaroo meat in a bloomin' onion you get at outback, it's time for an awful coworker story.
My (24f) co-worker (50f) blamed me for my miscarriage but is now frustrated I won't talk to her
quote:Exactly what the title says. My coworker/'friend' has been in a sour mood because I was given 'lenient' clock in clock out times the week of my miscarriage ( I took no days off, and only came in and left early the first two days as the cramps were horrible) finally, after she was being talked to about coming in late she came after me, yelling at me asking me why I'm not in trouble as well and how it is not fair she is getting yelled at but I'm coming and going 'as I please'.
Me, thinking we were friends, confided to her that I had a miscarriage. Her response? 'I told you you were pregnant! Why the hell are you here? You need to be home! This is why you had the miscarriage! You don't care about yourself, you're being selfish working when you should be letting your body recover. What is wrong with you? You are being so stupid! You don't take care of yourself and then you wonder why you had a miscarriage. Come on, really. Who do you think you're telling this to? I'm a woman! I have gone through things like this! Don't look surprised if you find you can't get pregnant after this. Honestly, take care of yourself. '
And then with that she announced she was going on break and I sobbed in the bathroom. I pulled myself together and didn't speak to her the rest of the day. Then it was the weekend then she was sick and was gone and then she had a family emergency and has been back but I've moved desks. I'm hurt and angry and honestly, am not her friend. Today she tried to send me a birthday gift and I refused. She is pissed and doesn't understand my change in attitude. She also tried to coordinate breaks with me. I, of course, insisted that I break at a different time.
This is making her frustrated and I am honestly at a loss for words on how to explain to her why I no longer want to engage socially with her. I am completely amicable to her professionally otherwise. How do I explain to her I don't want to be friends with her anymore? Is there a way I can do it without causing her to 'explode'?
Show her you mean business
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Mar 6, 2019 19:17
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- DemoneeHo
- Nov 9, 2017
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Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca
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Remember that guy who asked if he was the rear end in a top hat for throwing out his wife and son over a false paternity test? I think i found the wife's side of the story over at Dear Prudence.
quote:Dear Prudence,
My husband, “Tom,” threw me out of the house after the results of a paternity test said he wasn’t the biological father of our newborn child. Tom is the only man I’ve slept with in almost 16 years; I knew the test results were wrong. I was really hurt when he asked for one, since I’ve never been unfaithful. Tom had an emotional affair around the time our child was conceived, though, and because we weren’t having sex that often, he doubted he was the father. I thought a paternity test would put his fears to rest. Before throwing our baby and me out, Tom raged at us. The things he said to me will haunt me for the rest of my life, and when I comforted our sobbing baby, he became truly unhinged. I convinced Tom to get several more paternity tests, and they all confirmed he’s the biological father. Tom is repentant and wants me to move back home. I want a divorce. Tom is upset I can’t see things from his point of view: He made a horrible mistake, but at the time he had “every reason” to believe I’d cheated on him. I’m exhausted and heartbroken. I will do all I can to ensure Tom and our baby have a relationship. But I don’t want to be his wife. Am I making a mistake?
—Bogus Paternity Test
Every once in a while, when you get anxious over the fact that you left your ex, you can check your concerns by saying, “I’m no longer with my ex-husband, who ordered a paternity test after having an emotional affair while I was pregnant and threw me and our sobbing baby out of the house.” Just imagine saying that to a relatively together stranger. Sounds reasonable, right? I imagine 999 out of 1,000 people would say something like, “Wow. That makes a lot of sense to me. Also, do you need anything, like a hug or a cookie?” Tom seems to think that if only you understood why he said those things, you would automatically have to forgive him and want to continue to live as his partner and share intimacies and vulnerabilities with him for the rest of your life. That’s not actually the case! It’s possible to understand where someone was coming from, extend maximal compassion and sympathy, and still decide that your romantic relationship is no longer viable. Your goal of trying to make sure your soon-to-be-ex is able to visit your child often and of possibly being able to develop a civil co-parenting relationship is excellent. I also think you made the right call in ending your marriage.
Surprise, he had an emotional affair and was projecting his guilt onto his wife
And remember, this is what he posted.
DemoneeHo fucked around with this message at 16:38 on Mar 7, 2019
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Mar 7, 2019 16:35
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- DemoneeHo
- Nov 9, 2017
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Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca
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Whats that? Is that a HEATED GAMER MOMENT on the horizon?
AITA for staying quiet after my boyfriend told me to shut up during a heated gaming moment?
quote:
Last night my boyfriend started tilting during a match where we were playing on opposite teams. I understand gamer rage and I get it myself too, but I don't like when he takes his anger out on me. I try to defuse, but no matter what I say or do he just gets angrier. Last night I made him pinkie-promise (yeah, I know...) that he would try not to rage, and if he did he would take responsibility for his feelings and not blame them on me. This time I happened to be recording, so I was able to write down a complete transcript.
I think he took it too far. Plus, our pets are in his room and I don't want him to scare them by screaming and throwing things (he's already dented the wall several times.) He thinks it's my fault for being overly sensitive and that I should just drop it and let him vent. That he has the right to deal with his emotions in any way he sees fit and I should just accept it. What do you think?
Boyfriend: Throws something
Me: Don’t do that.
Boyfriend: What?
Me: Why did you throw something?
Boyfriend: Because I’m mad.
Me: …
Boyfriend: I hate that (other player’s name) guy.
Me: (sad) I thought we were having fun.
Boyfriend: I am having fun. I don’t like that one guy.
Me: Don't throw things just because of that.
Boyfriend: I don’t like constantly throwing myself and dying. That’s lame. Very bothersome.
Me: I don’t like it when you throw things.
Boyfriend: Wha-… Why do you have to whine? Can you just shut up?
Me: …
Boyfriend: It’s not like I asked your opinion.
Me: …
Boyfriend: Sigh.
(Long silence)
Boyfriend: So lame.
Me: Mm, yeah. (trying to agree so he'll calm down)
Boyfriend: What? No, I mean like… All the Germans (my team) are all such loving try-hards. Like seriously, there’s no-one without an STG.
Me: I know.
Boyfriend: Sigh. Like, I don’t want to play assaults anyway, gently caress you. This is why I don’t want to play assault, it ends up like this cancer poo poo all the time.
Me: …
Boyfriend: And now you have to be quiet for no reason.
Me: You told me to shut up.
Boyfriend: Well so what? Haven’t you loving grown up about that yet?
Me: I’m literally doing what you asked me to do.
Boyfriend: Well you’re being autistically loving retarded about it. If I say shut up, that just means I don’t want to hear you whine and complain into my ear about what you were doing. Do you understand? Or is that too hard to loving understand? It should be obvious by now. God. How have you still not understood that? It’s not like I tell you like “oh, be quiet” like 100%. No, it does not mean that.
Me: …
Match ends.
Boyfriend: Okay, I’m going to quit this.
I'd give this only a 5 on the Mohs scale of heated gamer moments.
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Mar 8, 2019 17:18
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- DemoneeHo
- Nov 9, 2017
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Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca
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Yup, there was a news story a while ago about a couple of teenagers (iirc like ~17) who filmed themselves having sex, and it was found and they where arrested and charged not long after. The judge had some remark about the difficulty of trying them under CP laws since they where both the victim and the perpetrator of the same crime. IIRC they where found guilty, using the not-circular logic of saying the creating new supply of CP stimulates demand which might create other supply which is then bad.
So basically, laugh at the US.
Heads up, this is a story of how the courts wanted to sexually assault a teenager.
I remember there was this case a few years ago in Virginia where a teenage boy was arrested and sent to trial for sexting a video of himself naked to his girlfriend. Since he was underaged, he was charged with making cp of himself. The prosecutors and detective wanted to prove that it was the teen in the video (his face wasnt visible iirc) by stimulating his penis, taking pictures of it and comparing it to the video evidence. To demonstrate this villainous kid was making illegal porn, of course.
Fortunately wiser heads prevailed, and they didnt take naked pictures of kid against his will. The charges were eventually dropped (although he still served a probation sentence), and the lead detective later committed suicide when a separate investigation revealed he was molesting kids on his hockey team for years.
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Mar 8, 2019 17:36
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- DemoneeHo
- Nov 9, 2017
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Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca
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Made husband so upset he hasnt spoken to me in 3 days (28F/32M) How do i apologize?
quote:
f 28 m 32 together for about 10
Trying to include all the details.
If any more context is needed let me know and I can try to fill in.
first time posting ever, apologies in advance.
My husband had just gotten off the phone with a support line, something of his broke and he was trying to see if the warranty covered it. It did not.
For a bit of context, he has suddenly started listening to a bunch of political radio, and while we are both moderately left all of his viewpoints and talking points are now very right and he habitually comes home ranting and raving about how Democrats are ruining the country, etc.
I have told him I don't care what he listens to, but leave it at the door, I hate having my only time with him be this very negative, very out of character ranting. Continues to do so. Any time I try to talk about my views or thoughts in response is met with a general dismissal because i dont matter i dont work i havent lived long enough i dont understand but he does.
More context, we have dark/offensive humor and make jokes about stuff all the time, and me responding to something with a joke or jab of some kind is fairly normal.
After he hung up the phone I immediately piped in with "Well maybe if we invest in (company) enough, some of that wealth of theirs will trickle down to their support department and they won't screw you over a cheap piece of plastic next time."
Made eye contact, he looked awful mad, and called me a F***ING C**T in a very serious angry tone. I wasn't angry or offended, I was hurt.
Asked him to clarify that his immediate response was to call me the worst thing he could call a lady (hes only ever called one person this ever, and what shes done to deserve such is about 3 million times more awful than a poorly timed political jab).
He tried to backpedal and explain it as a joke but I called him out on it, because his explanation was bull nor did it make any sense, and I could see the look on his face and hear the tone in his voice and it was angry and mean and said with intent not with ha ha.
I was angry at his attempt to explain it away and somehow try to convince me that like, what he said wasnt bad it was my fault for not understanding it or assuming what he meant, if that makes sense? That made me more angry, and he needed to go to the store to grab a thing so I told him to GTFO and go buy the thing he needed.
Since he's gotten back he hasn't spoken to me at all, and it's been 3 days.
TL;DR Made a poorly timed political joke, got called a C**T in response, he hasn't talked to me in 3 days, how do I apologize?
I know I'm the bad guy here, and I deserved the hurtful comment in response. How am I supposed to apologize or get him to speak to me long enough to apologize?
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Mar 14, 2019 01:05
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- DemoneeHo
- Nov 9, 2017
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Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca
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This one's long, but you get the gist from the title:
Trying to make my[29M] fiancé [27F] (somewhat) okay that I don’t want to fight cancer that will make me lose my penis
quote:Yesterday I got some pretty lovely news that I have penis cancer (penile carcinoma) after going in for an examination of discoloration/hard lump of skin on my penis last week. I got more tests and my doctor essentially told me that it’s stage 3 bordering on stage 4 and the only solution is total removal of my penis including the internal part of the member (called a radical penectomy- I learned a new word.). I would have to have my urethra rerouted so I peed through an incision in my pereneum. I’d still have my testicles.
After a long talk about emotional support and what life would be like he was trying to schedule surgery and I told him that I had to think about it. He told me it was going to spread and I was going to die and I still told him I had to think about it. I asked if radiation or chemo could work and he said it was too advanced but could buy me a little time. He was trying to explain to me the gravity of the situation and I essentially said“ I get it I’m choosing between having a dick for a short while and dying or living to old age without my dick.” He tried to tell me that by the end my dick would be non functional and may turn into a deformed mass of cancerous tumors and I’d be peeing through a catheter in my abdomen.I know he was just trying to scare me into doing what he considered the right thing but I feel like this is better. My thought process is that while they may awful I wouldn’t have to deal with it very long as opposed to 50ish years without a penis. Before I even left I had my mind made up as I cried in the parking lot.
The hard part and the part where I may be very selfish is I had to break the news to my fiancé (I’d still marry her if that’s what she wants but I doubt it’ll happen now) which I put off for a couple days to not upset her and also explain myself properly.
I considered lying and saying It was already terminal to spare her and I any conflict in the rest of my time with her but I didn’t want to live that lie when I wanted to spend so much time with her before I go or have her somehow find out later and look back on me differently. I felt I owed her the truth because I do love her very much and was planning on marrying her, so I told her that was going to let myself die instead of living without my penis.
She knew about the tests and stuff but she didn’t know what the possibilities were because even discussing them made me feel uncomfortable and I didn’t want to worry her if it turned out to be nothing. I told her there was something I needed to tell her and that it wasn’t good news. I told her about the cancer and that I was not going to live like that.
She didn’t say anything for a minute. She asked me if my dick meant more than being with her (this was not a passive aggressive or manipulation tactic she was legitimately asking) I told her that I loved her more than my dick but that I couldn’t see her body every day and get these urges I couldn’t at all act on (we have sex almost every night), I couldn’t deal with constant insecurity of not feeling like a real man or that I couldn’t please her and I couldn’t deal with anyone knowing. She said that there was other types of sex besides PIV and that we could make it work. I told her that I would not be the same person if i went through with it and she would feel stuck with me being depressed and angry but because she was the one that convinced me to live and I would likely never be able to find someone again she would stay in an unhappy marriage just so I wasn’t alone. She said that she wouldn’t feel stuck she’d take care of me for as long as I needed it and then we would just be a normal couple.I told her that I wouldn’t be able to function as a human being and she would either never vent to anyone ever about how I’m not the same or completely violate my trust by telling any person what was wrong with me that caused me to act like that. I couldn’t deal with anyone else knowing, I couldn’t deal with being “the guy with no dick”. She said she’d never tell a soul and we could get individual and couples counseling for any psychological issues I would understandably have. I said no and that I would not live my life constantly feeling the loss but I did offer to seek therapy with her as long as it wasn’t about convincing me to change my mind. She said that she knew she couldn’t understand what it’d be like to be a guy without a penis but she felt that life was better than death. I said I wanted my full life and not one with a huge chunk missing. She told me I was stronger than I thought and we would have each other. I asked if she really wanted me to live a life where I’d rather be dead. She said “no, but how do you know you wouldn’t be able to adjust?” I told her that not being able to have real intercourse with her, having her see me deformed and me constantly worrying that she didn’t think of me as a real man or thought less of me, living with the fear that at some point I would piss her off so much she would use it as part of an insult, or that she would miss PIV sex and try to find someone else. To be clear she has never done anything at all to justify these fears, but I can’t deal with the fear of it. I said I would lose all self respect and would never feel like I could stick up for myself because I would feel so far beneath everyone as less of a man and unworthy of women. I can’t deal with the idea that she might tell someone and swear them to secrecy and then I’m talking to this person the whole time they’re thinking about how I don’t have a penis.
She told me she loved me that she would be gentle, kind and understanding, would always be faithful and would never make fun of me and that she planned to spend the rest of her life with me. I told her that I loved her that I hoped she would stay until the end but I would understand if she wanted to leave because I was making a selfish decision. She then went back and forth between being angry and then remembering I have cancer and trying to comfort me. I told her that I was sorry but my decision wouldn’t be changed. I also asked she not tell anyone about this especially my family who she is close with. I know I gave her the news and asked her to carry the burden by herself but I don’t want more people to try to talk me out of it and I don’t want people to know in general.
She cried the rest of the day and kept coming up with hypotheticals like advancements in medical procedures to replace it one day and other ways I could feel “whole”. I told her that I loved her and I didn’t want to hurt her but I also didn’t want to hurt me. She was in our bedroom and I thought I should give her space so I got ready to sleep on the couch but she came and asked me to come to bed. We cuddled and she said we could always have this form of intimacy but I pointed out that my penis against her butt was making me aroused and that I couldn’t deal with never feeling that again. We then just sort of cried for a couple hours. Neither of us slept last night but I still feel the same today. She tried to talk to me more and how she was looking up ways I could still orgasm and testimonials of people who had gone through with it and were happy being alive. I pointed out these were all guys in their 60’s and up and I’m not even 30 yet. We both took the day off but i am treating it like a normal day off instead of whatever she wants me to be doing (either acquiescing or grieving I think) and so when I went to binge watch netflix she said I’m not taking my life seriously. I told her I do take my life seriously but I take the quality of my life just as serious if not more so. I also told her that me not taking almost anything seriously was one of the reasons she fell for me, I thought I was lightening the mood but she just got mad.
She asked what if I get to the point of no return and then regret not having saved my own life. I told her that just because I was choosing to die didn’t mean I wasn’t scared of it and that being overwhelmed I may make wishes about what I could have or should have done but right now while I’m of sound mind this is what I want.
She kept looking at me like she’s going to say something and then didn’t and I tell her that she can voice any feelings she has but instead she just says “I love you” or something when I know that’s not what she’s thinking. I told her I can quit work and we can blow through my savings on some trip or something but she basically said how she’d have responsibilities after I was gone and couldn’t. It’s almost 8 and she hasn’t asked me to come to the bedroom so I think I’m on the couch although she could just expect to go in when I’m ready.
I just feel so torn because I know can’t expect her to be okay with this but I want her to be. I am having the thought that maybe we should end our relationship so she doesn’t have to force herself thought this. I don’t want to go through this alone but I’m not the one who’s going to have to deal with this through old age and she will. I love her and I want whatever is going to be best for her without having to live without my penis. Anything else I would be fine with as long as it was in her best interest.
I know that this situation will traumatize her but I think she’ll move on. I don’t think I could move on and I don’t want to try and feel stuck in a life I don’t want at all.
I just wish I could show her how much I cared without having to live with such a big part of my life missing. I am ready to go down with the ship but I want her to know how special she is and was to me. She is the one, she’s perfect for me and I wish I could stay for her but I know psychologically it will be too damaging and that she will likely suffer with my unhappiness for decades. I can’t stiff upper lip it and live a life entirely for her which is what i’d be doing if I did change my mind. I know that might sound selfish.
I believe she wants me to live because she thinks it’s what’s best for me not because she is being selfish in trying to keep me around. She has not tried to make it “aren’t I worth it?” Sort of guilt trip because she knows that’s not fair. We have always argued well. We haven’t had sex since I told her which is usually daily unless one of us is sick which I guess technically I am. If she decides she can’t handle me choosing to die and leaves she will be the last person I’ve been with no matter what opportunities present themselves.
I want to emotionally support her through this if she chooses to stay but I feel like expecting her to rely on me when I’m the one making a choice that will lead to her suffering is unfair to her. I feel like I’m a lot more calm than she is and I don’t think that’s unreasonable but I want her to be at least somewhat okay with my choice.
I don’t think she’s in the wrong at all, I completely understand her feelings and they are absolutely valid but they don’t change my mind. I feel like even if she wants to leave she will stay until the end even though I stressed she is free to go if she wants to/needs to and that it wouldn’t change how I feel about her at all.
P.s. I know that a majority of men would choose their lives and I don’t judge them for it or think less of them. This is about me and how I would feel about myself.
TLDR: I’m choosing death over a life without my dick and my fiancé is trying to convince me to stay and I want her to be at least more okay with me dying.
I don’t know who to talk to about this so I guess I’m here.
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Mar 14, 2019 01:11
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- DemoneeHo
- Nov 9, 2017
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Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca
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I [18M] deliberately haven’t seen my brother [25M] ever since he moved out because of the way he treated me when we were younger. I’m beginning to feel like I’m being the jerk.
It's always sad to see siblings drift apart when they get older. I'm sure you two will be able to reconci-
quote:He moved out about a year ago. I feel like he had been unnecessarily cruel to me my whole childhood. He would punch my arm multiple times until I cried, a few of my things had been destroyed by him because I or someone else angered him, and everything I did, he criticized.
I’m gay and completely closeted, but my voice is a little feminine sounding, so I guess some people would already assume. He has mocked my voice, and he has joked about me having a boyfriend. Whenever I did something that even slightly annoyed him, he would yell “human being” at me.
I remember this one horrible morning. I was feeling extremely depressed (something happened that made me feel like my world had crashed down, but that’s a different story), and I was laying in bed way longer than usual. He came in my room, and demanded that I get out of bed. I told him to leave and he pulled me out of bed. I started bawling face down on the floor. He pressed his foot down on the back of my head and made a point of how much of a “pussy” I was.
He had, and still has, this attitude like he’s better than everyone else. Whenever we would go out in public, he couldn’t be bothered to hold doors open behind him, and it would slam on anyone who was was behind him. When someone is standing in his way, he bumps them out of the way. He doesn’t like the job my mom has, so she’s a “loser” according to him, and he makes sure to tell her that.
My grandmother has noticed that we don’t see each other, and texts me how she wishes we could get along, and how he really loves me, he just has a weird way of showing it. She claims that he actually cares for me because he’s made sure I always get great gifts for birthdays and Christmas (which he has). He himself has said that other families are way worse, and that he didn’t do anything to me. I feel like maybe I should see him and just deal with him.
I’m just really conflicted right now.
TL;DR: I choose not to see my brother, and I’m beginning to feel bad for it.
...
Yeah, gently caress that poo poo.
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Mar 14, 2019 14:45
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- DemoneeHo
- Nov 9, 2017
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Come on hee-ho, just give us 300 more macca
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Let's try a story that is wholesome and not depressing for once:
I (24F) want to propose to GF (24F) at the end of the year. She's 100% on board and I'm excited, but how do I get over my (likely needless) fear of other people's opinions on the matter?
quote:First post here, please be gentle lol. TL;DR at bottom.
My partner, who I'll call Z, and I have an amazing, loving, fun relationship, and I have no doubt in my mind that I want to marry her. Z and I have been together for 1.5 years and get along fantastically; we share a lot of interests, enjoy a great amount of time both together and separately, get along well with each other's friends, and my family loves her and seems to accept her as one of their own (she even celebrated Christmas with us this year, which was a cross-country trip, and she's attending my brother's college graduation with us out of state in May). We do have the occasional disagreement as any couple would, but we always resolve it. We communicate quite well generally, and have talked about all the important future things--future kids (or lack thereof) and when to have them/how to raise them, finances, career goals, religion, where to live, even future pets, etc.-- and are well aligned on all these things. No one else makes me happier or ever has (and this is also neither of our first relationships; I had a past relationship of 2+ years which ended over a year before I even met Z), and I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life with Z. And yes, Z and I have talked about it, we both feel the same way, and we have discussed a proposal timeline (as per my title, at least 9 months but probably more than 12). We are officially moving in together in June and would do sooner if leases allow; we wanted to start co-habitation last June but decided it was too early and it would benefit our relationship to spend another year with separate apartments (which has gone well even though we sleep together most nights we are happy with this decision). If it's relevant, we were also both raised in religious families and marriage is important to us both spiritually and socially. We do not live together but spend most nights together, already do chores and generally live as if we do.
Here's where the issue (?) comes in: despite overwhelming support of our relationship from friends and my family (Z's family does not approve because I am a woman and not of the religion that she was raised in-- and no longer follows for reasons unrelated to our relationship-- but that's a whole other story) and me soon to be in a good place to propose to Z (will be finishing graduate school this spring and securing a job in a decently high-earning field after being a student my whole life). I'm wanting to propose in mid December, at which time we'll have been dating for 27 months. Plenty of time in my opinion. If it's relevant, I'm 100% good with a long engagement and/or just a small civil ceremony, as is Z, this isn't really about having a wedding for either of us. I'll be 25 by the time I want to propose and working a full time career/financially independent, we will have lived together for 6 months (important to both of us), we want to move abroad together in late 2020 or early 2021 (something we are both passionate about, have talked logistics about a lot, and are taking actions to begin to set this plan in motion) and although it's NOT AT ALL why we want to get married, being married might help with the whole going abroad together process. Everything makes sense to me, we're on the same page, and I know I am ready...so why am I so nervous to tell people, especially my family (some extended family are also maybe not going to be ok with me marrying a woman, though Z has never been kept a secret)?
Mostly, I think it's because I'm worried that people will think we're rushing into this, even though logically I know I'm not; I'd wait forever for Z if necessary and would be with her even if she didn't want to get married, it just seems like a great time and I'm excited to be able to call her my fiancee and then wife, and I know we've had all the necessary conversations. However, I've heard so many conversations in my life about people being too young or engaging too soon and have seen the disastrous consequences of rushing into marriage...I'm rambling. I don't think being engaged at 25 and married at 26-27 is too young, personally, especially with a couple years' dating under our belt, and I don't have any reason to suspect I'll get negative feedback either. But the more I think about December as a timeline, the more I'm worried I'll get a negative reaction from people for doing so (even though it is 100% what both Z and I want).
So, Reddit, how do I get out of my head, knowing that this is what I want and that Z is the person for me, and commit to myself and what we've talked about? Any advice on how I trust in what I want and knowing what is best for me? I've always been a bit of a people pleaser and have lived my life by what other people think I should be doing; how to get myself to trust my own instincts on this plan and my relationship with Z?
TL;DR: I want to propose to my girlfriend of 1.5 years, Z, in December and am confident in my choice of doing so. Z is in the know and 100% on board. How do I get past the fear of others disapproving of my choice?
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Mar 15, 2019 15:17
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 14, 2024 12:15
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Feb 24, 2019 19:41
