Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

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Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

I was a fresh faced E4 flying out to meet my boat in Gibraltar. I caught up with some people I knew from school and decided to go out drinking with them. Before we got to the bar we had to take a detour to a tattoo shop. I know how long tattoos take so I got kind of pissed and asked why the gently caress we had to wait on the guy. He wasn't there for a tattoo.

He was getting his dick pierced.

So we go drinking and it's a good time. Turns out I have a hotel room with two beds all to myself so people wanna crash there instead of going back and sleeping on the boat. I wanted to be the cool new guy so I said sure. Wakeup call rang at 4am so we had time to make it to the boat and I notice dick-pierce is lying face down halfway in the bathroom. I nudged him with my foot to wake him up and he rolls over, revealing a massive blood stain on his crotch. Turns out getting a major organ pierced and then drinking stuff that thins your blood will do that.

This dude was so nasty, too. He slept in the rack above me and one day I woke up and thought I poo poo myself while sleeping. It was just him standing there digging around in his rack. I thought I was going to suffocate it was so awful.

Dude ended up getting the HIV from a hooker in some other port and got stuck on shore duty for a bit. He met up with some other chick with HIV and they got married. Then it turns out she didn't have it and left him or something I don't even know :wtc:

Edit: Oh poo poo, just thought of another.

Here at the A school I teach we give students laptops to take home so they can do homework. This one genius thought it would be a good idea to skip class on a Friday, pawn his laptop, go to New Orleans, and get busted by the cops for soliciting hookers and possession of cocaine and weed. I think he was an Air Force E-6.

Fart Sandwiches fucked around with this message at 15:55 on Dec 5, 2012

# ¿ Dec 5, 2012 14:47

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# ¿ Apr 29, 2024 20:07

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Nerdfest X posted:

A de-frock chief, (now an E-6 again) showing up to PT with a "Initiated by Tradition" PT shirt.
Granted, it was less about being dumb, and more about being a jerk and making all the other Khaki's pissed off.

That guy rules.

# ¿ Dec 17, 2012 16:49

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

smertrioslol posted:

I don't speak navy, but I want to find the humor in this. What the gently caress is the relevance of this PT shirt? Khakis are SNCOs and blue shirts are...? The navy is weird.

Blue shirts refers to E-6 and below because we used to wear a blue shirt while khakis wore a khaki shirt. Nowadays there is no distinction because everyone has a khaki shirt or blue cammies.

# ¿ Dec 18, 2012 18:53

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Seaman Smith was horrible. He smelled horrible, he was ugly, and he did dumb poo poo. He was totally going to be a SEAL, for real guys, but he broke his leg. Seriously guys!

Anyway, Smith had clearance issues. He had his TS but for some reason couldn't get the SCI portion. He could be in our division spaces so long as he had an escort but we could kick him out if conversation started heading somewhere he wasn't supposed to hear. After a while we noticed him showing up unannounced in our spaces that are secured by a door keycode. He had been shoulder surfing the people escorting him and he was really proud of the fact. He got masted over that and told not to do it again.

He did it again.

So they unrated him and were going to send him to a ship undesignated. While he was on holding waiting to be transferred he got an underage girl drunk. While she was on roving watch in the barracks. With the intention os sleeping with her. And she was married. He admitted ALL of this at his next captain's mast in the hopes that honesty would help him out. Turns out it does not.

Other things Smith did in no particular order:
Bought a literal broken down non-working car for 1000 dollars because he could totally fix it guys.
Spent 600 dollars at one of those kiosks in the mall with the hot chicks selling lotion hoping she would think he was a baller and sleep with him.
Told us a story about the time he ran away from home and lived in the woods. He set traps for the people searching for him and ended up breaking into a police station. That's not Rambo, guys, I swear!
He smelled REALLY bad. Like, no shower, no clean clothes, roll around in poo poo for a few days bad.

# ¿ Dec 26, 2012 15:40

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

vacation in kabul posted:

I just remembered, we had an E-6 who wound up getting his clearance revoked while we were deployed. Supposedly the story went that he had been thrown into an orderly room in his previous unit for being an unimaginably huge gently caress-up, and at some point his clearance had been revoked because of a ton of outstanding debt. So his old unit, instead of actually handling the problem, did a 1-for-1 swap with our section for a huge fatass E-6 (had 34% bodyfat according to the tape) when our SGM was desperately trying to unload fatty. So what does the guy without the clearance do? Applies for a top secret when he gets up to division! About seven months after they started the TS investigation someone finally realizes he wasn't even eligible for a secret and notifies our S2. This leads to him getting kicked out of the building and our section for a few days while our SGM did some bullshit deal with G2 and got him an interim Secret.

The day it happened our SGM and NCOIC were absolutely flipping their poo poo. They were telling me and my supervisor what a huge shitbag this dude was, how his old unit screwed them, and on and on (everyone already knew all of this). We had to grab him out of his CHU so he could meet our SGM and get a huge asschewing, and as he trots up to meet him and get dressed down the SGM notices he has pin-on E-5 rank (everything was supposed to sewed) that he had drawn a rocker under with a permanent marker. The asschewing was epic and hilarious.

That's not the real point of the story though. That guy got a perfect NCOER following all of this poo poo and was recently promoted to E-7. gently caress you Army.

The tape is inaccurate and all but you have to be :btroll:

fat to tape over 20-something. Jesus christ.

# ¿ Dec 28, 2012 19:05

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

We had a CS2 (cook e-5) who was the oldest person on the ship. He still had to abide by lower enlisted curfew and he was older than the captain.

# ¿ Jan 14, 2013 17:57

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Which came first, the transformer or the stove?

# ¿ May 20, 2013 13:27

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Caconym posted:

I'm not typing it, I'm the signalman who has to translate it back to human readable because drat if my CO can be arsed to decipher that poo poo.

If you have any nerds that know perl or python you can pretty easily translate that into readable text, even down to making it so it's not all caps.

# ¿ May 22, 2013 12:50

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

holocaust bloopers posted:

What who doesn't love Cinnabun?!?!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-N1MoKF31mg

# ¿ Oct 16, 2013 01:36

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

I'm a grower not a shower.

It's code for having a tiny peen

# ¿ Jan 7, 2014 13:58

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Casimir Radon posted:

Another really messed up AFCCA case

Very early on I knew this was going to be a good read:

quote:

Some of the items SrA DJ inserted into her vagina
were worms, goldfish, a hermit crab, and tree branches.

# ¿ Feb 7, 2014 18:14

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

LCL-Dead posted:

Back when the iPhones first came out we had a kid who went out and grabbed one. He was one of the first guys in our platoon to get one and used to always let us play with it.. Until he got it back and his home and lock screen savers had been changed to a picture of someone doing the goat.

The sad thing was that he didn't know how to work the phone all that well yet and those pictures stayed up as his home and lock screen for about a week before we relented and told him how to change them.

How loving stupid do you have to be to not figure out how to change backgrounds? This is some meta-idiot story stuff.

# ¿ May 9, 2014 15:38

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Did I do it right?

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ¿ May 9, 2014 16:18

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Regarding retarded boot camp clothes: the navy kids at boot these days design and pay for class t shirts and hoodies. It's usually got their class number and roster of graduates along with some really moto poo poo going on in the background.

I have it on good authority that 100% of the people who buy and wear these things are idiot assholes.

Edit: to be clear this is an official thing as far as I can tell, which means it's a major scam and someone higher up is getting kickbacks from the screen printing company.

# ¿ Jun 11, 2014 00:40

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Yes the best possible thing to do about your fraud is to post it on the internet.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2014 14:08

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

The other day during a break some students were in the back of class laughing their asses off. I asked what was so funny because I would like to laugh as well. They handed me a note card covered front and back with tiny black handwriting. It was a love/breakup letter they had found in the trash in the smoke pit. I didn't manage to transcribe it before I shredded it (we've had a few hazing issues in other schools and I didn't want people making fun of this poor idiot with me having knowledge of the cause) but it was hilariously pathetic.

Think of a dude who has never had a girlfriend. He joins the navy and meets the girl of his dreams. She is in no way attractive but is the first person to touch his peen, so he's in love. They sit next to each other in class and they're ~*so in love*~. The gist of the letter is that they can't be together because the course is too hard and they are distracting each other. Most of the letter is teen angst poo poo about hating himself for having to break up with her and it wouldn't work anyway because of orders and whatnot, but there was one line that stuck out to me. I actually can't get it out of my head and I kinda wanna throw up.

"My mind and my hand wanders."

This dude was fingerblasting her through her pants in class. Undoubtedly she was giving him an over the pants hand beezy often as well. Maybe that explains why this week they both got academically dropped from training. If they had graduated it would be very likely they could have gotten same orders to Ft. Meade, but now they're in a different school with hundreds of possible duty stations.

# ¿ Jul 19, 2014 14:03

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Softface posted:

What loving schoolhouse is this? It's DLI, isn't it?

Fart Sandwiches fucked around with this message at 14:56 on Jan 17, 2017

# ¿ Jul 20, 2014 22:01

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Cenen posted:

Stay safe Poverty Ghost

# ¿ Jul 23, 2014 03:25

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

chitoryu12 posted:

I mentioned this in the Current Events thread, but I know a guy from high school who's a CTN2. I love calling him an IT guy because he gets pissed off and talks about how important and badass it is.

Any ctn that takes themselves that seriously is a giant douche.

# ¿ Sep 11, 2014 21:47

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Genocide Tendency posted:

Hey Cole and any Florida GiP posters. Go vote in the morning. Yes on amendment 2 so we can all smoke trees legally.

Even though I can't smoke cause of clearance poo poo, I'm voting so hard on that poo poo. The local precinct is run by olds and they are presumably very conservative. I like rolling in with my big homeless beard and tattoos and getting my ballot cause they always look at me with such disdain. When I voted in the primary they tried to complement my work but I could hear the hatred in their voice as I picked up my ~non-republican~ ballot.

Go suck 17 dicks old lady.

# ¿ Nov 4, 2014 08:55

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

chitoryu12 posted:

If what I heard is right, Florida passed the 60% law back in 2006.....with 58% of the vote.

Jesus. I just don't understand how people can be for poo poo like literal opioids available for prescription but not loving weed. You get a scrip for some oxycontin and if you're not careful BAM addicted and poo poo. You get prescribed some weed for pain management and welp now things don't hurt so much and you don't have a crippling chemical dependency. So many morality police people out there objecting to it on christian grounds and poo poo. gently caress them.

# ¿ Nov 5, 2014 18:04

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Cojawfee posted:

What's with the explosion of supplement pyramid schemes on Facebook? The guy I was talking about also sells products from some pyramid scheme. Then someone else I know that's not in the military sells some energy patch pyramid scheme.

ISOGENIX
BEACH BODY SHAKEOLOGY
SCENSTY

there are probably more but I know so many mil wives that are all about selling this crap and proudly talk about multi-level marketing.

It's a reverse funnel system!

# ¿ Dec 1, 2014 20:17

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

VLADIMIR GLUTEN posted:

i like the part in forever war where everyone is gay when he comes back from space-nam

And if you want they can turn you :gay:

# ¿ Dec 1, 2014 20:41

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Unzip and Attack posted:

No loving way that's real.

if its not I have a new tattoo to get

# ¿ Dec 2, 2014 05:15

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Deathy McDeath posted:

I only learned my high school GPA once I had to start applying for colleges 10 years later. A bunch of them required a high school transcript, so I called up my school (the receptionist was still working there)

I can't decide if having the same cake go nowhere job for 10+ years is a good or bad thing.

# ¿ Feb 23, 2015 13:02

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

ded posted:

did he get a waiver for that too?

At sentencing the judge gave him the choice of jail or army.

# ¿ Feb 23, 2015 20:17

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Every thread is the drunk thread in gip. The inmates are running the prison!

# ¿ Mar 14, 2015 00:24

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Whipped Buttcheeks posted:

I barely pay attention to half the poo poo that goes on here. While we 're on the subject, why did Hageteka stop posting here?

he's dead jim

# ¿ Mar 16, 2015 00:32

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Whipped Buttcheeks posted:

like todt dead or dead to me like I am dead to my mother dead. Please elaborate TIA.

I dunno I'm just parroting what other people said. If someone knows his real name post it and then search that name + mobile, AL and that should turn something up.

Also I like your username.

# ¿ Mar 18, 2015 01:34

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

It is us who is the idiots

# ¿ Mar 19, 2015 02:40

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Wild T posted:

Whenever someone describes themselves as US MARINE COMBAT VETERAN you just know they're a fuckup at everything in their life.

# ¿ Mar 20, 2015 11:24

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

Jody taking it to the next level.

Got a link?

# ¿ Mar 21, 2015 01:20

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

LCL-Dead posted:

Since I got out of the Marine Corps I've kept my hair relatively short.

I got it cut last night, not a skin fade, just a fade up from a 2 by a professional barber/hair stylist friend who lives nearby.

Queue the angy staff NCO at the housing gas station, which I'm only at because they stay open later than ABC and have no reservations about selling rum to a dude with a beard on a sunday night, who decides to take it upon himself to correct me. He assumed I was some poo poo head coming off of leave (Which would explain my beard) who had just gotten a "low reg shitbag" haircut on his way back from banging Susie rottencrotch. (No poo poo, his words exactly).

The look on his face when I told him to gently caress off was priceless.

I need to move away from this drat base already.. Why am I still here?

This is the best.

# ¿ Mar 30, 2015 14:56

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

EVA BRAUN BLOWJOBS posted:

If it's not stdh.txt then pedro is a hero

I want to believe.

# ¿ Mar 30, 2015 17:28

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

USMC503 posted:

My mom is the idiot. She just went off on a tirade about vets receiving disability but are still able to do things like go on hikes (I mentioned shim and spongebob's AT hike).

I drat near punched her over the level of willful ignorance and stupidity.

Why does your mom hate america. And you. An american?

# ¿ Apr 6, 2015 03:30

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

The only time I'll accept someone telling me "I almost joined but.." Is when it's followed by "I'm not loving retarded"

# ¿ Apr 10, 2015 13:34

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

God the military is so gay

# ¿ Apr 12, 2015 22:36

Fart Sandwiches: Apr 4, 2006; i never asked for this

anne frank fanfic posted:

please make sure this italian 12 year old dude who lvoes the army and wants to stay in it forever stays probated the entire time hes enlisted and pretends to be an officer and pretends to have a chance with a officer chick but doenst gently caress her cause hes a gay retard.

Um details please

# ¿ Apr 30, 2015 19:27