Weird News Headlines: Twerk will set you free

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Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Someone in the trans megathread claims to know Stefoknee. Apparently she's real and authentically that hosed up, which is tragic for everyone in her vicinity.

# ¿ Dec 14, 2015 20:37

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# ¿ Apr 28, 2024 22:35

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

iRend posted:

�He never liked kisses and cuddles much but when he was dead we could give him as many as we wanted and he couldn�t squirm away from us.�

This is fake, right? I don't want to believe someone actually said that about their freshly-dead toddler.

# ¿ Apr 4, 2016 06:55

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

catlord posted:

I feel like this is less "woman killed by overtightening corset" and more "woman having corseting woes and being helped by a cheerful skeleton buddy." Just look how happy he is to help out!

# ¿ Jun 9, 2016 19:13

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Platystemon posted:

Explorers find disease-cursed City of the Monkey God and nearly lose their faces to flesh-eating parasite

You can't say the disease-cursed ruins didn't deliver.

# ¿ Jan 13, 2017 06:23

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

fizzymercy posted:

Yeah, I just feel really bad for the kids that totally have no idea what the gently caress is happening. Lord Abovethisbullshit looked as livid as a man like that could. A proper human would just giggle and pick up is kid or literally any other thing than pushing them away.

See also this delightful video, albeit with a cat and not a kid

# ¿ Mar 10, 2017 21:06

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Lime Tonics posted:

45-year-old Andrew Cheadle reportedly told Modesto police that he had an accident, and when he could not remove his underwear, he attempted to use a lighter to burn them off, according to the Modesto Bee.

So this dude was, like, catastrophically high at the time, right?

# ¿ Jun 17, 2017 22:09

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Baron Corbyn posted:

rear end TRACTOR

Yo' rear end so big it needs its own tractor

# ¿ Jun 19, 2017 05:59

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Leavemywife posted:

I think if I lived near there and suddenly lost use of my legs, I'd donate all ten toes.

I feel like it'd be really disappointing to head in for one of those shots and get a weird little pinky toe or something instead of a big toe. If you want the experience, you want the experience, you know?

# ¿ Jun 21, 2017 19:58

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

AKA Pseudonym posted:

https://twitter.com/LANow/status/877677781089304576

Happy 92nd birthday, earthquake!

# ¿ Jun 22, 2017 16:30

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

AlmightyBob posted:

"Really, I, uh, just thought you should know. About the axe. If you can't find it later, you know? Have a nice night, sir."

# ¿ Jul 28, 2017 04:05

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

AKA Pseudonym posted:

https://twitter.com/bonappetit/status/909646448748318720

Avocado Toast Georg, who lives in cave & spends $48 quadrillion a year on Uber Eats, is an outlier and should not have been counted.

# ¿ Sep 18, 2017 22:22

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

trapped mouse posted:

This is pretty solid journalism for your average college paper, to be fair

# ¿ Oct 6, 2017 02:49

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

I'm pretty sure Smug Al Yankovic is just Jonathan Coulton

# ¿ Dec 4, 2017 11:59

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

AlbieQuirky posted:

Rabbits frequently eat their own babies. Abortion would be like a walk in the park for them.

Can't rabbits just re-absorb embryos if they don't have the resources to feed offspring? I recall this being a plot point in Watership Down. Clearly this comic should be like two pages of the rabbit trying to explain to the fox "no, I already terminated our hellish hybrid offspring and recycled the nutrients used to create it, this is a fait accompli, now will you listen to me when I say that you have to wrap it up?"

# ¿ Dec 8, 2017 10:06

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Lime Tonics posted:

no big surprise,

Florida is officially the crème de la crappy of all 50 states, ranking dead last on a list of best to worst locations in America.

http://www.newsweek.com/florida-worst-state-country-794175

All across Mississippi, people feel a phantom burden lift from their shoulders. They look up at the sky; does the sun seem brighter today, the sky bluer?

# ¿ Jan 30, 2018 17:23

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

SpacePig posted:

This woman needs to be stopped.

Three of those five do appear to be about the same woman/incident, which is pretty fuckin' grim

# ¿ Feb 10, 2018 08:24

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

chitoryu12 posted:

This has definitely been posted on r/childfree, except with an ending where everyone claps and the mom gets arrested

# ¿ Mar 8, 2018 00:13

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Randaconda posted:

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/jan/24/saudi-camel-beauty-contest-judges-get--hump-botox-cheats

This just makes me wonder if horse plastic surgery is a thing, and if not, why not?

# ¿ Apr 22, 2018 17:57

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Pookah posted:

I simply cannot see that as anything but a single shattered glass panel hanging from a free-standing L-shaped support and surrounded on all four sides by a tape barrier.

I honestly thought it was an art installation at first

# ¿ May 5, 2018 09:00

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Ghost Leviathan posted:

Doves (which are basically the same as pigeons) used to be eaten all the time iirc, at least if my King Arthur Pendragon books are accurate. An aviary of doves would make a convenient source of meat in winter.

Pigeons were domesticated thousands of years ago and bred for both meat and messenger duties; apparently it was the most common food bird in Europe/the Middle East before the chicken came over from Asia. The modern urban pigeon is actually a feral, derived from escaped domestic pigeons.

# ¿ Aug 10, 2018 08:53

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Wheat Loaf posted:

For reference, this is meant to be a statue of this man:

It's a motor homunculus, clearly. We just can't see the giant feet.

# ¿ Nov 6, 2018 05:24

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Mycroft Holmes posted:

that man did nothing wrong.

The mistake he made is assuming the professor scheduled the final, not school/department admin. Every professor I ever had give a final before 9 AM was as unhappy about it as the students.

# ¿ Dec 6, 2018 05:10

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

The best headline I've seen in a while: Cat Wrecks Video Game Stream By Barfing So Hard It Breaks a Computer

# ¿ Jul 28, 2019 00:39

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

DoctorWhat posted:

Roy Orbison Guy was allegedly fakeposting the whole time anyway

Yes, but this doesn't make Herr Haarbürste's work any less of a treasure

# ¿ Sep 4, 2019 02:56

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Cartoon Man posted:

I thought the entire point of Cats was an excuse to look at actors' junk under skin-tight leotards

# ¿ Dec 18, 2019 03:05

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Samuringa posted:

https://twitter.com/Independent/status/1266297153028100099

Can we talk about the fact that the sexual fantasy in question was for them to strip the client to his underwear and stroke him with a broom? Because, uh, yeah

# ¿ May 30, 2020 15:50

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

By popular demand posted:

What was the unevolved form of Wikipedia in the wild?

A card catalog where someone kept sneaking photos of their dick between the cards

# ¿ Jul 21, 2020 10:48

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Knormal posted:

This "headline" is a cryptic-crossword clue

# ¿ Sep 27, 2020 23:47

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

SLOSifl posted:

What do the "bottom" church officials think?

A cardinal in the streets, a Pillow Pope in the sheets

# ¿ Nov 12, 2021 23:48

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

I can't stop thinking about the guy "eating popcorn while holding coins" and just slamming a mouthful of pennies, apparently? I just have some questions, is all.

# ¿ Dec 26, 2021 07:47

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

I would blow Dane Cook posted:

https://twitter.com/motherboard/status/1499923409811218436

My sympathies and best wishes to these people, but wow, "dank warm sperm in the car" is a phrase that is going to live rent-free in my head. It sounds more like someone misplacing a lab sample than anything sexy happening.

# ¿ Mar 6, 2022 01:56

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Well, poo poo, now I'm wondering about "longest dog ever"

# ¿ Jul 21, 2022 07:06

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

dordreff posted:

i saw that in my local paper and was just about to post it lol. Article is paywalled but very funny:

This dude learned his dirty talk from Ray Smuckles, except somehow with less dignity

# ¿ Jan 25, 2023 11:00

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Captain Hygiene posted:

when your favorite commission artist increases their rates but you have to get those fresh fursona shots

# ¿ Jan 30, 2023 05:25

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

I would blow Dane Cook posted:

https://twitter.com/guardian/status/1705204214320792023

"They dwell together in the MANCUBE and are not to be approached."

# ¿ Sep 23, 2023 08:11

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

mycatscrimes posted:

https://www.npr.org/2023/11/24/1214974578/giant-tumbleweed-california
Car sized tumbleweed!

A large tumbleweed the size of a small ~~boulder~~ tumbleweed

# ¿ Dec 10, 2023 23:43

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Zero One posted:

Florida Woman Had Her Entire Driveway Stolen

This and the exploding toilet guy are a new genre of Florida News, "Florida people who did nothing wrong or unusual but to whom Florida happened anyway"

# ¿ Jan 9, 2024 03:08

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

I just... dude, why your dad? I guess because he looks like you and has successfully conceived at least one child?

# ¿ Feb 16, 2024 07:35

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

FreudianSlippers posted:

I remember some quote from Keith Richards saying you only really needed one line of coke per day (or perhaps per party, I don't remember) and more than that would just build up tolerance and make the cocaine less effective. Which seems like an unusually abstemious for him but of course he bought all his own drugs uncut and in bulk so he was probably using much better cocaine than the hoi polloi.

Eh, if there's one subject I'd trust Keith Richards as the #1 world expert on, it's "how much cocaine makes a good party and how much is just overkill"

# ¿ Feb 25, 2024 02:52

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# ¿ Apr 28, 2024 22:35

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Captain Hygiene posted:

I'll be the pedantic dweeb here and point out that this isn't a surprising result, assuming there's standard DNA fingerprinting tech at play. Tests like that are basically just searching for sequences of DNA that match their database of markers, then amplifying what they find to detectable ranges to determine which markers are in the sample; it has no way to distinguish between DNA sources, and presumably the human genome has potential false positives to the sequences they're using. So... garbage in, garbage out.

# ¿ Mar 16, 2024 05:59

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