Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Cumslut1895 posted:

OMG https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/4yzmqd/i_love_watching_monkeys_get_torture_and_killed/

Franchisin' that creepy confession, I like it.

# ¿ Oct 2, 2016 12:30

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 23:56

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Farg posted:

My wife cheated on me for the third time while I watched my mom die, let me tell you the keys to a happy relationship

Step 1: You have to dismiss the last shred of dignity and embrace bitchmade.

# ¿ Oct 3, 2016 14:32

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

I met a guy through online dating and it seemed to be going pretty well. He has a decent job (something IT related) and a very nice apartment in the middle of the city.

After a while of being involved we'd eschewed the normal date ideas for staying in at his place, watching a movie and ordering takeout food – in this case Indian food. We were chatting during the movie and were having a dumb flirty quarrel and he threw a piece of his naan bread at me in an 'Oh shut up!' kinda way, so I threw it back at him, in what felt like a playful, splashing water at each other fashion.

Then he throws a handful of cooked rice and I throw more bread back at him – we're both more than a little drunk and high at this point, until it devolves into a US movie food fight type affair. I tried to stop it, in a 'don't make such a mess' way, but it doesn't help, and we and the couches and seating area end up covered in food and drink. I'm a bit pissed off about the curry stains on my shirt, but it's not that bad. We end up having giggly stoned sex and I wash the bits of rice out of my hair in the shower afterwards.

The next morning I offer to stay to help him clean up or come back to help, since I need to go early, but he refuses saying he's got it sorted as well as giving me cash to get my shirt drycleaned and lending me a hoody to wear home.

The next time I'm back there everything is immaculate – he's either done a great job cleaning up or has hired some cleaners to clean the couch and walls etc. However, it's only a couple of weeks later he tries the same thing again – this time while we're eating spaghetti. I can get silly when tipsy, but I told him to stop, (I thought it was just a 'go have a shower' ploy) but then he confesses that he's got a major fetish for women having food dumped on them, or women dumping food on him. He said it's from seeing celebrities doing charity bath of beans type stunts when he was kid. Kinda weird, but I like to think of myself as GGG, so why not?

I've indulged him a couple more times since then – normally when we've been drunk or high. It doesn't seem to be a big sex play thing – we've not been screwing on a mound of pasta, but throwing a bowl of (cooled) soup down his shirt just makes him from zero to horny in a second. It's always very messy, but he pays for stuff to be cleaned up and to replace damaged clothes (and a pair of shoes) though I do feel like some kind of splatter-whore.

This stuff does nothing for me btw. If anything I'm a bit anxious about the cost of cleaning everything and the waste of food – but I grew up poor (certainly compared to him) and taught to be thrifty. I'm a little concerned that this fetish is just going to get more and more extreme – he's hinted at stuff like a bathtub full of beans.

I know i've got to think about whether this is a dealbreaker for me – he's a nice nerdy, goonish guy otherwise (though not actually a Goon I hope) and he's away working until the end of the month. He was saying how this is a really common thing (especially in IT circles!?), but isn't that what everyone with a fetish thinks?

Thanks for writing in to Savage Love! This week, we've brought in food fetish expert Dr. Potatoes O'Brien, PhD and he says...

# ¿ Oct 18, 2016 12:45

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

I will never tell my girlfriend about this.

And here we have the smartest confessor in the whole thread.

# ¿ Oct 19, 2016 23:44

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

A Strange Aeon posted:

He was asking about the people who aren't loving their sleeping partners, just sharing a bed with them for some reason.

I spend more time sleeping with a either a 3yo or a 2yo these days because their mom is tied up with a newborn and they have gotten very clingy.

That said, it's more of a 'sleeping next to a sack of badgers' problem than a waking up with a boner or feeling gropey kind of thing.

# ¿ Dec 3, 2016 07:17

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

porkswordonboard posted:

Just sayin', for poor closeted gay dude, my gf grew up in PA in an ultra religious family. I'm talking church multiple times a week for hours at a time, all family and friends in said church (Baptist, and very hellfire-and-brimstone), etc. She never had to come out as much as it became pretty obvious as she got older, but nowadays her family is out of that sick, sad, hateful church and accepts her BECAUSE they realized their daughter was gay and they couldn't agree to punish her for something that she can't control: a simple predilection for someone whose genitals happen to be the same. This lead the realization that if love between two sane, adult, caring people is said to be wrong, there might be a lot of things they've been told that is equally bullshit, hateful, and damaging.

Look up some of the other things the Bible says you should and shouldn't do, and see if you fit that extremely narrow mold. If there's one thing-and I mean even one thing-that you do that doesn't fit that mold, and you tell yourself it doesn't matter/isn't that important, why can't the allowance to love be one of them? If you eat shellfish or have a tattoo or wear polyester it's literally on the same hellbound level as touching another dude's dick. So you can either burn most of your clothes or you could be happy, your pick.

If my gf's parents can make such a monumental change, I'm sure you can find a way to understand why: they love her. Try to love yourself a little here. Be a little flexible. Talk to people who grew up in a similar environment as you did, and are gay, and how that has affected them. It might not be easy, and I think that's really what's scaring you: the conversations you'll have to have. Well, get over it, dude. It's a big hurtle to jump, and you might get a few bruises, but it's worth it.

Give yourself a chance to be happy.

Counterpoint: closeted gay dude is a piece of poo poo not because he is a closeted gay dude but because he obviously has access to the internet and still has medieval views of homosexuality.

# ¿ Dec 4, 2016 06:25

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

LethalGeek posted:

This was not written by someone who's spent any actual time around gay/bi men. Finding effeminate or leather dudes takes actual effort, as others have said most of them are typical boring dudes who just wanna get laid too.

There are a whole bunch of people living in small towns who only have been exposed to the pop culture version of whatever they are. And the pop culture version of gay is :gay:

# ¿ Dec 6, 2016 04:45

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Throw all the piss you want on strangers but don't loving litter you jackass.

# ¿ Dec 7, 2016 15:15

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Also, that's not what sloppy seconds means.

# ¿ Dec 9, 2016 15:27

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

SciFiDownBeat posted:

If a woman came on to me I'd probably tell my wife about it later...

Get a load of captain naive over here.

# ¿ Dec 14, 2016 09:21

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

like a crack hampster

Shine on, you crazy crack hamster.

# ¿ Jan 2, 2017 17:19

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

I suffer from a rather rare personality disorder that basically really inhibits my ability to have appropriate feelings and to express them in a meaningful (to others) way,

Being a bro isn't a personality disorder.

# ¿ Jan 17, 2017 16:29

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Pearnicious posted:

I agree with the 500 bullets thing. The only reason it's alarming in this case is because she's proven to be insane. 500 rounds is not really a lot to a gun owner who goes to the range with any regularity. You can easily shoot 100-200 rounds at the range in a single session, especially if you go with friends. 500 to most avid hobbyists would just be "a good start."

It's cheaper to buy in bulk anyway, and it's not like they're going to go bad any time soon unless you store them under water.

500 is nothing at all but you'll see breathless news reports all the time about 'officers seized x pistols and y long guns and over a hundred! bullets.

# ¿ Jan 21, 2017 21:32

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

I too evaluate women on the basis of whether or not I could take them down.

# ¿ Feb 1, 2017 14:51

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

I'm not a pervert

I've got bad news.

# ¿ Feb 12, 2017 09:08

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Solice Kirsk posted:

Honestly I think coming right out and telling her she needs to start losing weight is the best option. I had a girlfriend tell me that once when I put on 20lbs, and yeah, it hurts your feelings but at the end of the day you know where you stand and it's either lose weight and keep your significant other or lose them. If subtlety isn't working then it's time to just tell her how you feel.

Yeah, that's definitely a conversation the genders can have both ways yes sir.

# ¿ Mar 5, 2017 17:37

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

I hope someone shoots your drone down, you loving pervert.

# ¿ Mar 6, 2017 04:31

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

My non-anonymous confession is that I can't even read confessions that are about ghost encounters or aliens or conspiracies. My eyes just shut down and my brain kicks me for wasting even a few seconds reading such bullshit.

# ¿ Mar 10, 2017 04:33

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

ReidRansom posted:

Friendly? No, assert dominance! Leave the door open. Look him right in the eye as he walks by.

Throw the door open! Toss a knife onto the floor in front of him and then maintain steady eye contact as you strap on your, erm, strap on...and then tell him to defend himself.

# ¿ Mar 10, 2017 21:13

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

I'm not going to openly admit to making GBS threads myself but I will say heed every little twinge when you're taking the pre-colonoscopy cleanse or you're gonna wind up damp.

# ¿ Mar 23, 2017 19:58

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

loquacius posted:

We just passed the seven-month-anniversary mark and it still feels weird to say the phrase "my wife" out loud

You shoulda got a starter wife to work that kinda thing out.

# ¿ Mar 23, 2017 21:26

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Thieving tweaker teenagers...gotta safely capture, tag and relocate them. They are way to rare to risk harming them.

# ¿ Mar 27, 2017 00:42

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

DBZ bf deserves to die alone

# ¿ Apr 3, 2017 03:57

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Gridlocked posted:

2nd post: I'd be worried that making up stories about your relationship to bum free drinks off people at the LOCAL gay bar will come back to bite you if the people you mooched off encounter you outside of that situation. Or you know you go back there and they recognise you.

Also, it's a real shithead thing to do.

# ¿ Apr 3, 2017 11:04

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

Camgirl guy followed up

Her?

# ¿ Apr 15, 2017 04:03

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Great, a stupid argument from another thread is now getting restarted in this one.

# ¿ May 15, 2017 11:18

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

maskenfreiheit posted:

Shooting your gun at anything except an imminent threat to your life is 100% illegal.

Um, what?

# ¿ May 26, 2017 00:42

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

She got a sweet IB (Investment Banking) job at Merill-Lynch after graduating. About 2-3 weeks ago she killed herself.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

# ¿ May 28, 2017 20:30

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

loquacius posted:

Weed makes any activity feel fun, is super cheap, is basically legal depending how white you are, rapidly approaching actually legal depending where you live, is not physically addictive, and probably won't destroy your life unless you don't have a lot else going on. Also weed dealers are the most harmless and unintimidating career criminals in existence. In short I'd highly recommend it.

Counterpoint: alcoholism is fun, and you're not tedious like high people are :colbert:

# ¿ Jun 8, 2017 15:14

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

It really doesn't help my mental picture of this story that I kept picturing him as Ted from Scrubs for no good reason

I was picturing the Better Off Ted.

# ¿ Jun 9, 2017 08:25

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

I was driving home from work one night and this big loving dog ran out and committed suicide by Honda, doing about $2000 worth of damage and wouldn't you know it, nobody in that entire neighborhood even had a dog.

# ¿ Jun 11, 2017 17:57

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Modern man amongst the savages posted:

. She spent the night after a month of dating. The next day *at work* I was pulled in to HR. Told that I was setting a bad example for younger members of the company, that I had loose morals, and that this stuff might fly in other places but not here.

Fake confessions is one thing but why pointlessly lie?

# ¿ Jun 15, 2017 10:34

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

Sometimes I wanna ask her what she would tell a patient who acts like that.

It will go very badly for you. Source: wife is a therapist.

quote:

We had sex then. I got a shower after that and cried for a little bit, which is something I've been doing a bit more of lately.

You can't leave now, she hasn't toughened you up enough for adulthood yet!

# ¿ Jun 16, 2017 09:25

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Solice Kirsk posted:

Also, if she suggests that you start having sex because "she can't have children" but she's been taking the pill or having you were condoms then she's gonna anchor baby you. This basically never happens in real life, but you may have the 1:1000000000 where that's an actual concern. Please keep sending updates though. You're my favorite confessor since the sexual assault boss love story.

I think worrying about a potential anchor baby situation here is like worrying about how bear safe your back door is while the house is actually on fire.

# ¿ Jun 16, 2017 12:50

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

So I've gone from an ugly clumsy mistake of a child to flying around the world in the great white wings of my own personal jet.

All the money in the world won't change that you are an ugly clumsy mistake.

# ¿ Jun 24, 2017 11:12

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

The police are there to protect residents from crimes

rawr posted:

hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahhaha...

# ¿ Jun 26, 2017 23:40

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

loquacius posted:

This issue is kind of a live grenade on the Internet in general and I'm too tired today to really articulate myself well so I'll just leave it at that

And having found the live grenade, loquacious pulls the pin and tosses it.

# ¿ Jul 10, 2017 01:39

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

quote:

And I will look down on them and whisper "no". That's a little literature reference for you dumb fucks.

Lol

# ¿ Jul 18, 2017 13:56

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Neutrino posted:

It's spelled "inherently".

Take it easy, he did go to an unaccredited school.

# ¿ Jul 28, 2017 17:47

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 23:56

tactlessbastard: Feb 4, 2001; Godspeed, post; Fun Shoe

Dear goons,

Nobody gives a gently caress how much you drink.
Furthermore, nobody gives a gently caress what your thoughts are about whether or not someone is an alcoholic.

Thanks.

# ¿ Aug 3, 2017 01:45

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Anonymous Confessions: I had an extremely weird dream that's going to become relevant

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