Anti-Food Porn Thread: Seems Saggy Not Saggy A Bit Saggy Ball - The Something Awful Forums

Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > Anti-Food Porn Thread: Seems Saggy Not Saggy A Bit Saggy Ball

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

freelop posted:

Those microwave mug brownies do work alright so it's probably like that.

Thought it's probably more effort to microwave a cake that size rather than just shoving it in the oven.

I was watching some variety of Anthony Bourdain rerun (I think No Reservations) and he was visiting some test kitchen for one of those reserve a year in advance prints Michelin stars sorts of places. All excited the chef wants to show Anthony his brand new variation of a desert. So he whips up a real light cake batter, pokes holes in a dixie cup, fills it up and microwaves it and you can see the gears in Anthony's head go into overdrive trying not to let out the fact that he is an rear end in a top hat judging this chef for filling seats months in advance with microwave cake.

e.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVf0OMYewcg

# ¿ Jul 21, 2015 14:31

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ¿ May 12, 2024 11:06

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

death .cab for qt posted:

Why

WHY

Pickle brine was Gatorade before Gatorade was invented, so its really just a throwback gatoradecicle.

A pickle brinecicle is like a bullet point list of all the best things you could ask for after physical activity outside. Its frozen to help stabilize core temperature, and its water and electrolytes to replenish those lost by sweating. Don't think, eat the picklecicle for your HEALTH.

# ¿ Jul 24, 2015 14:45

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

pentyne posted:

Maybe when cooked right, but you know for sandwich meat purposes its dumped into a blender with a fuckload of salt and ammonia then extruded as a paste.

In your example, the beef hearts are the most wholesome part and likely the constituent giving form and function to what would otherwise be a block of rendered chicken and pork fat.

Beef hearts aren't a guarantee of good processed meat but its a good sign at least.

# ¿ Aug 16, 2015 13:21

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

BARONS CYBER SKULL posted:

"Chocolate Squirrel Topped Cake"

I'm more concerned about the label that says "For two"

Would, but not half in one sitting and I would present it to friends as a poo joke instead of a squirrel.

# ¿ Aug 21, 2015 15:06

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Grape Soda posted:

Recipe: http://imgur.com/tDsC3L6

The saddest falafel, but probably the best bet if someone held a gun to my head and said "make ancient weight watchers food"

# ¿ Aug 23, 2015 03:49

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Kakairo posted:

I now want savory Starburst.

This thread has broken me.

Wouldn't that just be thread favorites aspic or head cheese?

# ¿ Aug 28, 2015 18:05

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

ErIog posted:

Here's some real content:

I want to see one of these in the wild because the Ka being legible on a baked KitKat is food artist scam doctoring on the highest level.

# ¿ Aug 29, 2015 14:06

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

RareAcumen posted:

Why on two fronts 1) Why does this exist 2) Why is it used in food

A little bit of mental priming is the difference between delicious tangyness and bile.

If you ever want to turn an enemy off hard cheese, get some decent hard cheese (the cardboard and salt delivery system of Kraft parmesan might work but ideally you got some real hard cheese). Blindfold your enemy and let them know you've got some bile for them to smell, maybe make some hurling sound effects to really sell it. Make sure they get a good whiff and are gagging before the blindfold comes off and they realise it's been delicious cheese and not bile this whole time. Now they can never have hard cheese without thinking it's bile.

# ¿ Aug 30, 2015 04:41

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

PubicMice posted:

"My buddy calls it the Brick. Fiery Cheetos, ground beef, noodles, and beef jerky."

Is it the brick because that is its cooked consistency, or because it is the consistency of the poop afterwards?

# ¿ Sep 24, 2015 19:43

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Did somebody ask how we like our eggs

# ¿ Oct 2, 2015 21:51

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

canis minor posted:

The first one must smell like hell. The second one however - why would you make an omelette using what you've pulled out from your vacuum cleaner?

The humble blood sausage!

I think you should get your money back on those casings.

# ¿ Oct 16, 2015 00:24

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Picnic Princess posted:

I think you mean genus.

If you can dream it, a farmer has probably tried to do it with brassica oleracea. Which makes sense because eating the same thing day in, day out would get old, so it'd pay to have a cabbage for every different day of the week.

# ¿ Oct 16, 2015 23:00

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Tiggum posted:

It's actually very simple. There are only six types of food.

Discrete: Just whole objects not combined with stuff. An apple, a baked potato, a steak, yoghurt.
Stew: A bunch of food mixed up together. Chilli, spaghetti bolognese, cereal with milk.
Soup: A bunch of food mixed up together and liquified, with or without bits floating in it. Anything actually named "soup", instant noodles (unless the liquid is drained off).
Cake: A bunch of food mixed up and made solid. An omelette, bread, sausages.
Sandwich: Food on or in bread. Pizza, subs, burritos.
Pie: Food on or in pastry. Basically anything called a pie or tart. Quiche. Curry puffs.

There are also drinks, sauces and garnishes, but I don't count those as food per se. Everything fits neatly into these categories. So you may argue over wehat does and does not count as chilli, but you can't deny that it's all stew.

I like where this is going but I think it needs some more explicit logical rules or flow charting for advanced composites to properly satisfy the inner sperg. Like there's a bit of non-specificity around the cake sandwich, otherwise known in the more vulgar form of "hotdog". Or cake stew, aka jambalaya.

e. Is there a crouton ratio where a salad turns from a stew into a sandwich? This classification scheme is really driving me crazy with all the holes in it!

zedprime has a new favorite as of 14:07 on Oct 20, 2015

# ¿ Oct 20, 2015 13:40

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Tiggum posted:

Subway always seems to me to have a slightly odd smell to it. The shop itself, I mean, not the sandwiches. Also, I hate having to tell them how to make the sandwich. If I wanted to design my own sandwich I'd make it myself, at home, for half the cost.

The hotdog itself is a cake. The bread roll itself is a cake. Combine the two and it's a sandwich.

I'm not familiar with jambalaya, but from a Google image search it seems pretty clearly to be a stew.

A sandwich is food on or in bread. Croutons are bread in food, therefore a salad with croutons is a stew and not a sandwich.

A pie is food on or in pastry. Pastry's not on the outside, so it's cake.

This isn't even difficult, guys.

So does that mean there are certain elemental foodstuffs which lose their definition when compounded with others? Are you not losing specificity by leaving out the elemental composition?

In my home salad tossing experience, salads with croutons very quickly become salad on croutons. Why is that not a sandwich? Is it because it is a stew of little miniature sandwiches? How do you decide the overriding scale in that example, or the cherpumple? Are we not one big stew (or cake) of Planet Earth?

Jambalaya's original example was how to handle cake (sausage) in a stew, but it brings up another issue with chimeras: jambalaya can be served fluid as if a stew, or freestanding, massive, and holding together as if a cake. Is it then necessary to specify if I specifically mean the stew jamba, or the cake jamba? Are there cutoffs in physical properties for when a stew becomes a cake?

I feel its important we get to the bottom of this so I know the correct way to make sure any elemental food stuffs do not touch each other on the plate :spergin:

:spergin:

# ¿ Oct 21, 2015 03:07

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

As way of apology for threadshitting, here is what happens when you have no jambalaya rules:

This is a nutria if you weren't aware.

As part of a Kickstarter campaign some dudes ate a lot of swamp rat.

# ¿ Oct 21, 2015 03:53

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Tiggum posted:

It might be all three. Just as a single tree is still a tree even when it's part of a forest, a cake is still a cake when it's part of a stew. Croutons are cake, salad is a stew, a salad with croutons is a stew that contains cake. This isn't complicated.

I feel like you are losing meaning if you eat a salad with the prime forking stratums of lettuce-tomato-crouton and come away thinking you ate a stew instead of a procession of tiny sandwiches.

# ¿ Oct 21, 2015 14:06

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

GrandpaPants posted:

So is deconstructed a bullshit marketing term like artisanal, except somehow more bullshit since at least I can at least expect a hamburger from an artisanal hamburger?

Its more like tapas in that it used to mean something very specific but has filtered into general food culture as a gross misinterpretation that is wider than it should be.

# ¿ Oct 21, 2015 18:49

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

tribbledirigible posted:

Hey, we all know what cheap, off brand Choco Tacos lead to:

Deconstructed* Choco Taco

*deconstructed in the pastry chef's GI tract

# ¿ Oct 21, 2015 23:55

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

GrandpaPants posted:

Is the ~~dress~~ sauce white or yellow???

Given cell phone pic color balance, the answer is yes.

# ¿ Oct 26, 2015 17:42

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

I knew a guy at work who explained the brilliance of rabbit is it should always be free. So you could hunt it. Or also look for free rabbit classified listings after Christmas and Easter. You know, when people put pets ads up for readoption because it didn't work out because of kids

# ¿ Oct 29, 2015 15:09

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Sleeveless posted:

The US military shares all of the food technology they develop for MREs with the private sector so that if we ever go to war they'll already be equipped to start churning them out for the war effort, and as a result a lot of processed food is now made with military technology; if you've ever made macaroni and cheese with a powdered cheese mix or put freeze-dried coffee in a mug of hot water then you're basically one step removed from actual military rations.

A good write-up, and also relevant to the thread in parts.

Ozmoroni, processed pepperoni dehydrated via osmosis to make it shelf-stable as part of the ongoing effort to make a pizza MRE.

Wanna get my place done up with meat carpet.

FetusSlapper posted:

Is that being cooked in a subwoofer?

Looks like a non-stick pie pan :confused:

:confused:

Pie pans are a pretty normal home for cornbread after all.

# ¿ Nov 4, 2015 14:24

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Before my eyes resolved what was happening I thought it was a bowl of Fruit Loops in milk.

# ¿ Nov 6, 2015 20:11

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

serious norman posted:

Sous vide eggs on toast are maybe the best thing you can do with eggs.

But its impossible to make it look not like an alien took a mucousy poo poo on your breakfast so its the last thing I'd ever publish on the internet, let alone on a paper plate with the shell next to it for some reason.

# ¿ Nov 10, 2015 14:44

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

DekeThornton posted:

Is that a sous vide egg? Looks like a regular boiled one to me. The white seem to be far too firm for it to be sous vide.

I aim for a temp that sets the whites to make it slightly less of a pain to spread and it comes out similar to that, but I guess I was mainly operating on the assumption that the only reason someone would brag about that picture is as vindication for making an egg with a $200 cooking toy.

# ¿ Nov 10, 2015 15:33

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Unfinished sous vide pics could feed this thread for a while. I don't have any hot leads on a source though it took a few minutes on google to find this looker:

# ¿ Nov 10, 2015 15:45

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

And why sear? People are used to a crunchy surface on roasts, but that's based on real roasting. They're also used to overcooked meat, and that's one thing we want to get rid of. In addition, searing the outside can overcook part of the roast. So, until proof of the contrary, I'm not browning what comes out of the cooker,

# ¿ Nov 10, 2015 18:26

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

PCOS Bill posted:

"[Friendname] made me dinner!"

Rethink that friendship.

I don't know if its falling standards after seeing some poo poo in this thread, but the green vegetables, acceptable lighting, and lack of Kraft singles makes me want to be sympathetic even if it seems recognizably pre-processed.

# ¿ Nov 11, 2015 04:53

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

hackbunny posted:

Let's talk carbonara. Carbonara has rules:

spaghetti

pork cheek bacon, diced, fried in its own fat

a whole egg, beaten, mixed with grated pecorino cheese and cooked with the residual heat of the spaghetti

ground black pepper

The minor sins of pork belly bacon or grated parmesan will be forgiven, but not forgotten

gently caress NO

I can concede carbonara rules if we agree that like pizza, "noodles" is a generic combination with no rules. I would be delighted to be served 75% of those noodles. But would definitely avoid those last noodles.

# ¿ Nov 13, 2015 01:33

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Stare too long into the burger, and the burger stares back.

# ¿ Nov 17, 2015 14:37

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

cash crab posted:

That all seems fairly accurate to the Skyline Chili experience, and could be held up as a paragon of fast food at home.

# ¿ Nov 18, 2015 15:50

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Did somebody say birthday food?

Bonus no pizza rules: placenta pizza topping

quote:

Grind placenta. Saute in 2 tbl. olive oil with 4 garlic cloves, then add 1/4 tsp. fennel, 1/4 tsp. pepper, 1/4 tsp. paprika, 1/4 tsp. salt, 1/2 tsp. oregano, 1/4 tsp. thyme, and 1/4 cup of wine. Allow to stand for 30 minutes, then use with your favorite home made pizza recipe.

# ¿ Nov 19, 2015 23:14

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Solice Kirsk posted:

I still make "Hobo Surprise" from time to time. Basically its any meat you have, any veggies you have, and any sauce you have all mixed together and cooked in one pan and then thrown on top of either rice or mashed potatoes. It may look like prison food, but it's delicious.

If I was a hobo, I wish I would be so lucky as to have the means for a stir fry.

Hobo surprise is a can of vienna sausages. Surprise, they are just as awful as they look!

# ¿ Dec 2, 2015 23:56

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

I'm not going to say the jelly directly on a breakfast sandwich thing isn't the most popular way to go about it for people grabbing jelly, but if it makes anyone feel better I've seen a fair share of breakfast biscuit sandwich eaters who eat the protein openfaced on one biscuit half and then eat the second biscuit half with the jelly.

# ¿ Dec 9, 2015 19:47

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

RareAcumen posted:

My first reaction, as someone with bad taste who doesn't like chili was 'Oh that doesn't look too bad.' But then I remembered that it's supposed to be chili and not spaghetti. Good lord that's awful.

OwlFancier posted:

I looked at and thought "that looks like dull spag bog but I'd eat it?" and then read it was chilli.

Don't you normally eat chilli with rice or something? I don't eat it but I'm pretty sure it's not the same as spaghetti bolognese other than they both have mince in them.

Also this thread is great and I just discovered it.

Y'all were right the first time, Cincinatti chili is some midwestern as gently caress spaghetti sauce that somebody mixed up with chili because you could get it on hotdogs. Midwesterners are either way too polite or else completely dazzled by the idea of teaspoons of spices to correct them about the chili part.

# ¿ Dec 15, 2015 04:56

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Danger Mahoney posted:

I like chili, but golly it's too spicy. Better replace any real spices with cinnamon, cloves, sugar, and chocolate. The closer to tepid pudding the better. Mmm mm the only thing that could make it better is plain spaghetti noodles.

That's the funny part, its not even a conscious midwestern corruption of chili, the origin story is basically a couple immigrants bringing greek spaghetti sauce over, serving it on hotdogs and asking "is chili dog yes?" and then figuring well that makes this spaghetti chili!

# ¿ Dec 15, 2015 05:18

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

VendaGoat posted:

It's also a way to make 1 lb of hamburger a meal for like five people.

5 people or 1 college student who's loan just cleared their checking account.

# ¿ Dec 15, 2015 19:32

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

RareAcumen posted:

Wood.

# ¿ Dec 16, 2015 19:49

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Videos about button mushroom farming are worse than sausage making tbh and make corn smut look positively delicious by comparison.

# ¿ Dec 17, 2015 00:09

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Wasabi the J posted:

Bananas are like the Cincinnati chili of fruit. I have a hard time recalling a fruit that so many people so fiercely defend or despise.

I loathe banana flavoring because it doesn't taste like real banana. This is because it's an extract based off an extinct cultivar, the Cavendish.

They are also berries so that's another silly fact.

Banana flavoring is also a bee marking hormone for "you should probably sting this thing." Its a very common college chemistry lab synthesis because its a fundamental sort of organic reaction to make it, and you know right away if you succeeded or not because everything starts coming up bananas.

Grocery store bananas are usually the cavendish varietal. The old story about it being based on the gros michel varietal is likely post hoc: both cavendish and gros michel contain isoamyl acetate and its a fundamental part of what makes a banana a banana, but taste tests and chemical analysis usually agree than the gros michel has more of it. The gros michel is commonly called extinct, which is also wrong, its just a really rare specialty thing these days.

# ¿ Dec 17, 2015 21:03

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ¿ May 12, 2024 11:06

zedprime: Jun 9, 2007; yospos

Scathach posted:

A really lovely cabbage roll? My mom makes these, they rock and her's don't look like larva.

I don't know that looks like a fairly classy and well presented form of a dish I usually associate with stuff that happens with a wire clothes hangar

# ¿ Dec 18, 2015 00:23

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > Anti-Food Porn Thread: Seems Saggy Not Saggy A Bit Saggy Ball

Powered by: vBulletin Version 2.2.9 (SABB-v2.24.05)
Copyright ©2000, 2001, Jelsoft Enterprises Limited.
Copyright ©2024, Jeffrey of YOSPOS