r/relationships: I have nothing against this baby.

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MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Evil Willow posted:

AITA for not putting the weights back in the gym because of priorities.
Now here probably most agree that he is the rear end in a top hat.

Swing and a miss because nope, the gym employee asked politely once and you completely ignored him. So I think he�s well within his rights to call you out again, more loudly, and hope that reminds you that you�re not the only person trying to use this gym.

Also, wtf at her interpretation that the comment about �not your home� might be an insult to your house keeping organization. That�s a pretty common saying in public gyms; I�ve seen signs saying exactly that in several different gyms I�ve been at over the years: �This is not your home gym, put your weights back and clean your machines!�

# ¿ Oct 20, 2021 11:59

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MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Soylent Pudding posted:

AITA for refusing to take off my glasses at a wedding?

NTA.

However, as someone with terrible eyesight, an alternative correct answer I�ve experienced on several occasions is to agree take off my glasses, then just wait ten minutes.

Why? Because what actually happens is that without my glasses I can�t see the camera and am just guessing at the vague blob, so I will invariably be looking in the slightly wrong direction. Then the photographer notices and tries to signal something of �look right here� but I can�t see that signal either so I yet again end up looking in the slightly wrong direction.

After a couple failed rounds of this, there will be someone who says �this isn�t working, can�t you just give him his glasses back? nobody cares if someone�s wearing glasses in a photo, god drat�.

# ¿ Oct 21, 2021 16:44

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Zurtilik posted:

My(27F) boyfriend (37M) plays Dr. Mario but never saves his game. Is this normal behavior?Personal is

A rare post where the age gap explains the entire post but not in a creepy way.

If you do the math, a 37-year old likely started playing games in the NES/Game Boy era where plenty of games would forget your score and progress the instant you shut the system off. She, being a full decade younger, probably first played N64 or PSX games where that was no longer commonplace. Which explains why he sees this as totally normal and she's thinks it's insane.

# ¿ Oct 22, 2021 01:09

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Beachcomber posted:

I have yet to re-find the one with the woman who was cheating on her fiance up to the week of the wedding because she believed that none of that mattered once they were married and he wasn't allowed to hold it against her. And that it was her mom who taught her that.

It's a long one and all the updates are long too, but here you go.

Me [25 M] with my wife [23F], she informs me at sisters wedding she had slept with best man (long)

quote:

The time frame is important here. We have been married for 3 years. We were together as a couple for 2 years before that. So we've been together for about 5 years.

Two weekends ago her sister got married and of course my wife was in the wedding party. So as you would expect she spent the two weeks prior to the wedding helping her sister get everything ready. No big deal at all, she kept me informed and I knew this was going to happen.

She took that Wednesday - Friday off of work to help her and in fact stayed with her three days. I certainly know her sister but I barely know the guy who is now my brother in law, in fact only met him a few times but he seems nice enough.

I show up Saturday morning a few hours before the ceremony in hopes of stealing just a few minutes to see her, not wanting to intrude on the day since I know she is busy but I hadn't seen her since Tuesday. She see's me outside of her parents house and sends her brother out to tell me that she will come out and see me at the car. Which I thought was odd but whatever. She finally comes out and sits in the seat next to me and gives me a kiss but instead of acting happy to see me or whatever she tells me that she has to talk to me and she doesn't want it to ruin her sisters day.

She informs me that at the reception (if I still want to go) I might hear some things about the best man and her and she didn't want it to be awkward or weird. I just kind of sat there stunned.

She said that about 4 years ago she had a fling with him and that it didn't mean anything but she was aware that by nature I'm somewhat jealous and she wanted me to know in advance so that if I heard something that I wouldn't be surprised. Again I just kind of sat there, this was not how I thought my morning would go but I told her I appreciated knowing it and that it certainly wasn't a big deal now.

She went back in the house and I went to eat lunch and decided to meet her at the church. As I'm eating and reading my phone it dawns on me, she said she had a fling with him 4 years ago and we've been together 5. My first reaction was to blow it off and think that she just told me the wrong time but the more I thought about it the more I started to remember about a year and a half of us being together she had a phase where she was really sketchy about her behavior, wasn't available when she normally was and went on two weekend camping trips that were with friends from work.

Of course I'm a little knotted up over this but I know I have a long day ahead of me. I go to the wedding and sit there watching everything. After the wedding they have a line that you walk by and congratulate the bride and groom and the wedding party is standing in line as well. My wife is standing with some other guy (I don't know him at all) but the best man was there and I just went down the line and acted like no big deal.

Get to the reception and it takes forever for them to come because of photo's. She finally gets there and sits with me. I decided not to say anything as I didn't want to distract from the day. But instead of just letting it go she then tells me that each of the groomsmen and bridesmaids are going to dance and that she is going to be dancing with him. I ask why when she was not his partner for the party and she said that the maid of honor and her partner were actually married and wanted to dance with each other. At this point I'm a little more than perturbed but I try and not let it show. Thankfully I was smart enough to not drink because I freely admit I'm an angry drunk so I know when not to even partake.

She talks to everyone around her and then the dance comes and he comes over and extends his arm and she gets up. I try not to watch and in fact I make it a point not to. She comes back with him in tow and they are joking like the best of friends. She decides that it would be a good idea to introduce us and while I didn't say to gently caress off like I wanted to my greeting to him was probably than cordial. But it did not deter him from sitting and talking with her for a few minutes. The more they sat and talked and reminisced about old times and places the madder I got. Eventually I got up and went to the bathroom and when I came back he was gone.

She decided to tell me that she thought I was rude which was not what I was all about hearing at the moment. I told her that this wasn't the time or place to talk about it but rest assured we would talk later. She sat there and then said that she was going to change cloths and as soon as she got back she was telling her sister that we were leaving because I had ruined her day but she didn't want me to ruin her sisters day as well. I told her that I was perfectly capable of not being a bother to her or her sister the rest of the day and that I did not want to be the cause of any drama so I would prefer to just stay.

She went and changed clothes and then came back all in a huff. Now understand I have not said a word to her I even shook the other guy's hand. I guess I just looked miserable so that is what she was basing this off of. She was adamant about not staying and so I said that if she really wanted to go we could go but if she would rather stay I would be happy to stay or if she would like since I came in my own car I would leave so she could stay.

She at first said that we should stay but then said if I couldn't act any better I should leave. I asked how I was acting and she said it was obvious I was trying to be like a silverback gorilla wanting to fight. I didn't know whether to laugh in her face or be offended. I went back in and sat down while she mingled with the other guest. I talked with her brother for awhile but then ultimately ended up back at our table talking with her grandma.

We leave at the same time and I arrived home just before she did. I was sitting in the living room waiting on her when she came in and did not beat around the bush. I simply asked her to retell me the story about this other guy and she said it word for word like before. After sitting and looking at her for a time I just said are you sure about the time frame and she said she was. I then reminded her that we had been together for 5 years so this "fling" was well over a year into our being together. What happened next I can't really put into words. Instead of being flustered or denying or anything she simply said "I know".

So I asked her to explain and she tells me that they worked together and that it was just a physical thing and she felt like we weren't in a great place at the time and that she never had any feelings for him and never had any real intentions of leaving me, she just was having some fun for a few weekends. She said that it was probably a mistake on her part to tell me now but she didn't want me to get blindsided. I did not take this the way she thought I would I guess. We had a very large argument and ended when she told me I was being a child about all of this. That we were married and this happened way before that and our life together now has nothing to do with him or that time.

Well two things. One I adamantly disagree about this has no bearing on us. She loving cheated on me and doesn't even have the god drat decency to feel guilty about it. Two I hate being told I am childish when I get upset over something. It pisses me off to no end because that is her way of acting superior to me. I told her I needed time to think and she told me there was nothing to think about. We loved each other and this didn't change anything.

That was two weeks ago and I still am not over it. She has been trying the past few days to get me to talk to her but I admit that for whatever reason I'm not viewing her the same as I did before this. Part of me is like that this is stupid, it happened a few years ago and we are married now and there hasn't been any problems at all. But then part of me is like I just found out she cheated on me and it hurts like a mother fucker and what makes it worse is that instead of trying to understand how I feel she is trying to guilt me into just not even thinking about it. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry for the length I probably should have cut out some of the wedding stuff but it all came out at once.

tl;dr: Wife had a "fling" when she was my girlfriend, thinks I should just be okay with it but I'm not.

Update 1: Me [25 M] with my wife [23F], she informs me at sisters wedding she had slept with best man (long)

quote:

First I want to clarify something from my first post that I really did not spell out very well, it doesn't have any real baring on anything but for some reason it bugs me that I made this part sort of murky.

The maid of honor (not my wife) was married to the groomsman who my wife walked down the aisle with. There were some people who felt my wife was trying to arrange the dance but I do know for fact that this part was legit, however it doesn't mean she didn't try and offer to let them dance or any other form of manipulation but I just wanted to try and clear that part up a little.

I'm here because I have gotten honest to God over 40 request for an up date since last week. Thank you for your guys concern on this and I wish I had some really ballsy statement to make about how I stood tall and kicked her to the curb but sadly that is just not what happened. To be blunt I'm in limbo.

There have been developments but all they have done is make it harder for me to decide. Last week I was mostly angry then as the weekend progressed I became mostly sad. I want to be able to hate her and flip that switch that tells me I'm being walked on and am a sucker but it's just very hard for me to do that because I still love her and this is ripping me apart.

Here is what has happened of any consequence. She finally came to the realization that I was not going to just get over this. This then brought her to the realization that I might want out of the marriage. This then brought on a near nervous breakdown from her.

Someone (hell a lot) from the first post stated that she would try and manipulate me like that and believe me I was taking those words to heart when I thought she was having crocodile tears. But it soon became apparent to me that she wasn't acting or faking, she was having a legitimate panic attack. This led to an E.R. visit and that led to an overnight stay in the Hospital and then to new medications and a scheduled follow up with her Doctor for later next week.

This brought her family into it and that in turn led to long conversations all the way around. When we got home (with her family in tow) I asked what she wanted to do since there was a house full of people and she said she wanted to be with her Mom for awhile. That was fine with me as I had no desire to hang around all day with her Dad or Sister so I said I was going to go finish up something at work and would be home later. Two hours after I get there I get a text from her begging me to please come home and that she really needs me to talk with her. So I finish up what I was doing and head home. I am greeted on my own front porch by her Dad who asks if he can talk to me for a minute. My anger level was already somewhat high but I was ready to go to war if she had dumped a poo poo sack of lies on me with her Dad. I mean its not like he and I are best friends and poo poo but I've never had a bad moment with him so I really wasn't going to be happy about being the bastard who broke his baby's heart.

We set on our deck chairs and he loving floored me with his opening salvo. I was expecting to hear anything but what he said.

He said that she told them what had happened and that he wanted to apologize to me because he said that he felt like he did a really lovely job as a parent and that this mindset that she had was really a creation of her mothers and that while he loved both of them he said they were wrong and he had told his wife years ago that telling the girls that whatever happens before marriage doesn't count was a horrible idea and value system to install in them. He then said that he wasn't there to stand up for what his daughter did but he just wanted me to be aware that what she was saying and how she was acting was simply because she honestly believed that being married was an entirely different life and that they (Mom & Dad) had romanticized marriage to the point that she wasn't understanding real life.

Basically he was kind of throwing his wife under the bus but again this is not what I was expecting at all.

We shook hands and he said that no matter what I decided he still thought very highly of me, which honestly made me feel really good for that moment.

I then went inside and my wife is curled up in a ball on her Mom's lap and you can tell she has been crying the entire time I've been gone. Mom gets up and comes and hugs me and tells me she is sorry and that she loves me and she is praying that we can work this out. My wife is laid out on the couch at this point. Her Mom and Dad leave and she sits there looking at me and crying.

Ok, this is where I'm going to piss off everybody and just tell you that I couldn't take it. I went to her and we hugged for a long time with her telling me over and over how sorry she was. Hey I know it was the weak thing to do but again I have to say in my defense that just before this incident occurred I loved her with all of my heart and would have done anything to not see her in pain, whatever she had done I still didn't want to see her like that. Look it's very possible that she was putting on an Oscar worthy acting job, but I don't honestly think so. She really seemed broken at that point in time.

After awhile when she calmed down I asked her what she wanted me to come home and talk about and she said she wanted to get everything out in the open so I didn't feel like I was being lied to or manipulated. So she wanted me to ask her questions and I wish I had written down a list but I came up with a few off the top of my head.

She was brutally honest with me and some of the questions I asked I probably shouldn't have because now the mental image is stuck in there but honestly it was there anyway I just now have confirmation. First I asked for dates or at the very least approximate dates (I didn't tell her about the engagement concern I had because I didn't want her to change story's) and she remembered exactly when they occurred. Fortunately this happened a little earlier in our relationship than she told me initially and so we were not engaged when this happened. I can't tell you what a relief that was because I became physically ill when I thought about that when someone said it in my last post. Second I asked how many times. She went over board with this because instead of just telling me how many different dates she decided to tell me how many times there was penetration (she wasn't doing it to be mean she honestly thought that is what I wanted to know). This part of the conversation did not help me any at all and in fact almost broke me down. In truth it wasn't that often and in fact there were really only 3 different days it happened on but there were several times during those three days.

Then came the hard part. Why did she do it? Okay again I'm not the most manly of men and I am ashamed to admit this but I couldn't get this out without starting to cry. I asked why wasn't I good enough, why him, why did she not just leave me. It was her turn to hold me because at this point everything came rushing at me. Her telling me, me having to watch them laugh with each other, her now telling me how many times they did it and where they did it.

She talked during this but to this moment I have no idea what she said. I was to upset and honestly nothing she was going to say was going to make a bit of difference anyway. But after I composed myself I simply told her that the betrayal was horrible but honestly her response to me when I found out was just as bad if not worse.

She agreed with me and she apologized for calling me immature. She said that she honestly believed that it wouldn't matter to me now because we were married (when she said this my blood started to boil again). I started to say something about it but she jumped in and said that after talking with her parents she now sees that this was very wrong of her and that cheating is cheating but she still feels like that our happiness that we have shared since being married should count for something. I then replied that I kind of felt like that happiness was built on a lie.

This led to another break down on her part and almost another E.R. visit. But between Ativan and having her breath into a paper sack we got her calmed down. I let her sleep the rest of the night feeling like emotionally we were both tired but come Sunday we were talking again. By this time I wasn't as sympathetic as I had been when we got home from the E.R. I told her that I thought her introducing him to me was lovely, me having to watch her dance with him was extra lovely and the fact that she only told me because she was going to get caught was an elite level of lovely. Which then I demanded to know why did she think I would find out and how many of the loving people at the wedding knew besides me. Well obviously the guy knew, but then his best friend in the world also knew (did I mention that fucker is now my brother in law) which then led to her sister finding out and she was afraid her sister was going to be the one to tell me.

I asked how often she see's this guy and she said that the wedding is the first time she has seen him in 3 years.

Then I lost my poo poo and asked her if she hosed him during any of the lead up to the wedding. She got all pissy about it acting like she wouldn't gently caress anyone because she was married and I just lost my poo poo and had to leave for awhile because once again I felt like she was living on "Married Planet" or some such poo poo and the world there is a different place than for the rest of us.

I finally got cooled off enough to come home and try and be civil about things. She finally asked me what she could do to help me get past all of this, which may not sound like much but it was the first time she offered to help me really so it was at least a nice gesture. I told her I wasn't sure what she could do or if there was anything either of us could do and that I may never get over this.

She said that she wanted to help because she didn't want to see me in pain and that over the years she hopes I'll be able to judge her based on who she is now. She would do anything I wanted to work this out. She also wanted to be sure that I knew that she has been 100% faithful since we've been married and would never cheat on her vows. I sarcastically thanked her (which I admit wasn't the most mature thing to do).

I then asked for a moratorium from further talks till at least Wednesday. I have two projects I have to get done and honestly I'm just exhausted and no I have no loving clue what I want to do. I shift between periods of red hot anger where I want to kick her out and then periods of deep emotional turmoil where I want to just forget this and move forward with her. Yes I know this is not what anyone wanted to hear and no I'm not proud to type it but it is what it is at the moment.

tl;dr: Wife finally realized this was serious and then had near nervous breakdown resulting in hospitalization. Long talks ensued.

Update 2:Me [25 M] with my wife [23F], she informs me at sisters wedding she had slept with best man (long)

quote:

I have been absolutely overwhelmed by the responses I have received over this. I have gotten over 400 private messages and I just can not respond to all of them or any of them anymore as it would take me a week to do that. I want to thank all of you who have written to me and those of you who this struck a chord with all I can say is that I'm sorry you had to go through this as well. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I do want to say one thing though as the vast majority of the people contacting me via p.m. were all afraid to bring up their point of view in the open for fear of being harassed. I have honestly taken both points of view into consideration and there has been some great advice and some not so great but I think people's hearts are in the right place. I just wish that if people disagreed with each other they wouldn't feel the need to demonize a person because of a point of view.

Okay for the hundreds of you that have been clamoring for an update here it is. As you know I asked to just drop it till last night so I could focus on a job related item I had to get done. She kept her word about it but I could tell she was very emotional and honestly nervous. She is taking some strong benzodiazepines for her anxiety but even as strong as it is I can still see how anxious she had been. I wasn't intentionally trying to punish her, in fact quite the opposite I really was trying to give her a break as much as me, but she told me last night that not holding her or showing any real affection towards her was almost torture to her.

Well last night finally arrived and we had what my Dad always called a "come to Jesus meeting". I got home from work and I brought dinner so there would be no distractions of clean up or anything. We started talking around 6 and finally ended around 2ish. In that time frame we laid out a lot of issues that have been present and what or if we are both willing to do to move forward. Long story short starting today I am living with my brother for the next few (not sure). She is understandably upset by all of this and I am making an effort to communicate openly with her so she does not feel abandoned or neglected. If your wondering how we got from talking to me living with my brother here it is in a nutshell.

I know this is not going to make several of you very happy but here is where I am going with this. I want to save my marriage, but I can't do it living what I feel was somewhat a lie. I know she never intended to lie once we were married but when I sat down and thought about this one question "would I have stayed with her if I had known at the time she did this"? Each and every time I answered "no". So to me she took away my ability to choose whether or not I wanted to continue and we built the next few years based on the foundation of something that wasn't quite true. However the truth is, we still built something. Sometimes foundations can be repaired and sometimes you have to tear them down to build new on.

This is what I'm hoping to do. I'm hoping to shake things up enough for both of us so that we can start over. Like I said in the very first post, our marriage until this point had been what I would consider to be perfect or as perfect as any one thing can be.
But there were some very troubling things that occurred due to this and here is a brief synopsis of our talk. I laid out the fact that while I absolutely was upset about the cheating and yes I still consider it cheating (which she has now come to realize that this is the way it is and is going to be considered) I was equally upset by her lack of consideration for my feelings on this. I told her that I resented being told I was immature and a child for something that objectively speaking I had every right to be upset about.

Her response was to apologize and tell me she was in the wrong and that while she admits fault and see's what I'm saying that at the time she had convinced herself that because we were married that I was wrong to be upset about something that happened before hand but she now see's where this is wrong. I then told her that I felt very disrespected by her associating with this guy right in front of me and that I felt humiliated having to shake his hand. Her response was to once again apologize and she said that in her mind at the time she felt like she was trying to show me that there was nothing there. She said she felt like if she avoided him or acted shady around him that I would be more upset (I told her she was wrong). She said that out of all of the things this is the one that has hit her the most in the face because even her sister has told her how poor this was for her to do to me and she was deeply hurt by this because it had hurt me which she never wanted to do. I then talked about her lack of remorse over being with someone else while we were together.

Her only response was to say that she was very sorry, how that at the time she just used very poor judgment and if she could go back and change the past she would. Then came the talk that got the most discussion. How I felt like she really wasn't sorry for anything but that she was just sorry that I didn't just shrug my shoulders and say that everything was going to be okay. That there were going to be repercussions for what I considered to be an act of betrayal and then an act of not caring about me.
I'll give her full credit here, she was brutally honest about this and at least she was so we didn't have to spend hours trying to work our way around it. She admitted that when we got home after the event she started to realize that I wasn't going to let this go and then as time went on she knew that this was an issue. Her first instinct was to be mad at me for being mad at her. But then realized even from her own point of view how stupid that was. But again she had it beat into her head that she was my wife and that I should easily forgive and forget something that happened way before we were married. She also admitted that when it became real she frankly outright panicked thinking about losing her marriage. Nobody on either side of her family is divorced so she could be the first and she admitted to that being a big factor in her panic attack. But as the week has progressed and she has spoken more to her family she is seeing that what she has put in her mind about marriage isn't the end all be all she thought it was. She also did really feel bad about bringing the guy around to me. However you will notice which I did too that she never said she felt guilty about being with him.

Now I want everyone to know this as well. What I have given you from above is a brief synopsis of events. She sounds like a robot in this version and believe me she was not. There were lots of tears, real honest tears (I've seen her "oh woe as me" tears before so I know the difference). There were a few curse words and there were even moments of pleading and begging. As I said this went on for 8ish hours so by the time we were done she was physically exhausted.

I have set out the following steps if we are to reconcile and it is totally up to her if she wants to stay together. She is very very adamant about staying together btw:
-I don't care how illogical it seems she is to never have contact with him again. This is an absolute for me and a deal breaker and I was absolutely clear on this.
-We have to have couples therapy.
-While I am living with my brother we are still legally married and this is not an invitation or excuse for either of us to see anyone else. Again deal breaker in a second if either of us uses this as an excuse (believe me I will not and I don't believe she will either).
-We start over, to a point. I have to view her differently now, even if I didn't want to I can't just forget that she chose to cheat.

So that's where we are now. I know that is not what some of you wanted but ultimately I have to go with what I believe will make me happiest in the long run. My head say's be aware and I am going to guard my heart for a long time but my heart is still in love with her. We are going out on a date Friday night, which she is really looking forward to. I have no idea how long I will be with my brother, hell I may not make it past Friday, but if nothing else I feel like I have some control here which I felt prior to the talk I had almost none. In the end I held her for a long time and we slept together. I do not want a broken woman (right now that is kind of what she is) I want her to be my partner for life but I do want her to know that to be a partner she has to equally care about my feelings as I do hers.

P.S. I had to do some real hard thinking about my new brother in law. Again I've only met him a few times and he seems like a nice enough guy but at the end of it all he certainly was aware of the issue. But just to keep peace in the family I'm going to not make a stink about him because that will certainly make every holiday tough going forward. As long as he never mentions the incident or the guy ever again to or around me I can live with it.

EDIT: I poo poo you not, this post has been up for 40 min and I've received 21 comments but I've gotten already 28 p.m.'s I think it's just sad that people feel so intimidated by the group think that they won't post their views publicly. I am happy to get the advice and words of support but really nobody should be afraid to speak their mind.

tl;dr: Wife and I had long talk, I am living with my brother but we are going to try and work this out.

Update 3:Me [25 M] with my wife [23F], she informs me at sisters wedding she had slept with best man (long)

quote:

Thank you all who keep sending me messages of encouragement and wondering what has happened. For those of you who have asked me to give you an update, here is a brief one.

I've been staying with my brother for a little over a month. I can not say enough nice words about him, he has bent over backwards to help me and I've come to appreciate him in a whole new way. Growing up we were close but never really close if you know what I mean. This has shown me that our bond is much stronger than I ever imagined it was.

The big news is that I have delivered her with divorce papers. Now before those of you who wanted me to dump her jump for joy let me explain something.

I went to a divorce lawyer and explained everything including the fact that I did not want to go through with the divorce but wanted everything in place just in case. He drew up a divorce decree and made three copies. One he kept on file, one for her and one for me.

I decided to take the paperwork to her myself because I knew she would be upset and I wanted to explain to her what was happening. I gave her the paperwork in a manila envelope and explained what it was before she opened it. I also made very clear to her that I was not going to do anything with it unless we both failed to meet the conditions we both agreed upon. I explained that I was committed to us but I really needed to see that we were headed in the right direction and that this was only there as a standby in case she didn't think I was serious.

Well this did not go over as well as I had hoped and in retrospect this was a mistake on my part. She had been doing everything in her power prior to that to live up to the agreement, we had been out on several dates prior to this that were great for both of us. In other words my timing sucked. My intention was good but it did make it look like I was not acknowledging the steps she was taking to make this work. This led to another giant anxiety attack that we could not get under control with her meds so off to the E.R. we went again. This time they gave her a shot and sent her home and we both agreed that we would keep her family out of it this time. I stayed with her for two day just to make sure she was ok. This of course came up in our counseling session and well let's just say that I came across looking like a manipulative rear end in a top hat (which again in retrospect I was). I ended up taking my copy and her copy and tearing it up in front of her. She doesn't know there is a third copy but I plan on having him discard that as well.

So now I pretty much feel like a monster because the look on her face when she got the divorce papers was something I never want to see again. She was so happy to see me that day and then I gave her that and then instant combination of sadness and terror. Other than that bump in the road things have actually been going very well. Well enough in fact that I am moving back home this weekend. My brother has been great but I am cramping his style no matter what he say's. It's been fun playing X-Box every night though I won't deny it.

But mostly I am going home because she has done everything I have asked of her and I have put her through hell. I think she's paid a steep enough price and I know she knows how serious this was. Also in case I didn't mention this before, I do love her. She made a very stupid selfish mistake but it was years ago and she had been almost the perfect wife up until that discovery. So I'm sorry to disappoint many of you and I'm sure I will once again get many pm's telling me that I am a cuckhold and an embarrassment to all men but I don't live your lives and you don't live mine.

So this should be it, there hopefully will be nothing to update going forward. We are not cured or healed by any sense of the imagination but we are on our way and it's just going to take time, patience and understanding.

tl;dr: gave wife divorce papers with the intention of never using them. this blew up in my face, damage control ensued. ultimately I'm moving back in with her and we are working on things

# ¿ Oct 22, 2021 09:48

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

purplestuffedworm posted:

That being said, the OP doesn't seem to actually be upset that his GF's social circle is emotionally stunted and has questionable boundaries, but that they aren't socially acceptable enough, with some gross classism thrown in.

Yeah, that was my reading of it too.

There are legitimate reasons for him to worry about her lifestyle. She's in her mid-20's with apparently no interest in finding a job or building a career, her entire income relies on her parents being willing/able to keep mailing her money, she sees nothing wrong with a bunch of 20/30-somethings drinking late into the night with a 16 year old, etc.

But none of that is what he's worried about; no, he's primarily concerned about their hobbies not being Proper Adult Hobbies.

# ¿ Oct 22, 2021 13:41

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Peaceful Anarchy posted:

AITA for not looking after a kid anymore?

Kurieg posted:

Yeah, he was basically providing free daycare for the kid and after she tried to sue him for child support he stopped doing so, and she was real mad at him "taking it out on the kid".

I'm always amazed at the stories of parents who have free/heavily discounted child care and gently caress it up by over-reaching.

As a general rule, five day per week daycare costs in the same ballpark as a home mortgage or monthly rent for a couple bedroom apartment. And to be clear, this isn't Child Harvard or whatever, this is for standard childcare meeting the bare minimum levels of safety and cleanliness. But nope, saving yourself a couple thousand bucks per month isn't good enough.

# ¿ Oct 24, 2021 03:23

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Soylent Pudding posted:

AITA for leaving when my sister was late, but pretending to be in the loo and repeatedly messaging that I'd be out soon?
Like 1 or 2 hours late for a 2 person coffee in a shop.

How the gently caress has OP apparently put up with this before as a �bunch of similar instances�? It�s nice that OP found her missing spine but seriously.

8one6 posted:

On behalf of everyone who has a habitually tardy friend I salute you OP.

A few minutes can be fine, whatever and sometimes life happens as a one-off.

But if you have a friend who regularly shows up an hour or two late to stuff, screw that. Just stop inviting them to poo poo because you�re clearly not a priority. Or at least restrict it to only stuff where you won�t be waiting if they show up late / flake entirely.

# ¿ Oct 25, 2021 16:15

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

teen witch posted:

Should I speak to his wife and get her story?

He can�t afford �over 1k� to get divorced and is too deeply in debt to apply for a home loan, but you believe he can reliably pay 50% of a home mortgage for the next 30 years of your life?

# ¿ Oct 25, 2021 18:01

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

DoubleNegative posted:

AITA for making my daughters take my friend's daughter on their trip?
They invited Lori to their dorm one time and go out with her a few times. I thought that the next step was to invite Lori to the trip to Italy.

As we all know, there are no intermediate steps between �hanging out a few times� and �two week vacation on another continent�.

# ¿ Oct 25, 2021 21:51

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Halloween Jack posted:

Y'know, if he doesn't make a lot of money, it might not be as bad as she thinks. He absolutely needs to file returns, but he may have little or no income tax liability.

The tax returns themselves, maaaaaaybe, if they were truly the only thing that he's doing wrong with money.

But he's a 38-year old who can't produce any proof of income, doesn't know his credit score, and is vague about his debts. There's no way this isn't the tip of an iceberg of financial dumbassery.

# ¿ Oct 25, 2021 23:07

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

pentyne posted:

Yo holy gently caress, how do you treat a subordinate so badly that you end up with a criminal conviction over it? And how is it related to an ex?

I think that's just OP listing off two bumps in the road that happened near-simultaneously - not that they're related, just a "sometimes when it rains, it pours" thing.

As for what they did? Something like slander or libel would make sense with the way the story's written, but my IANAL understanding is that's primarily civil liability/lawsuits rather than criminal cases. But maybe her libel involved lying on government forms or something, so that's why the criminal courts got involved?

# ¿ Oct 26, 2021 00:35

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

El Spamo posted:

Probably a mistype of "virtual" which means the guy has TWO instances of infidelity under his belt.

Real superstar

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is a mistype of "virtual" and he's referring to two separate occasions - cheating on her once *and* a separate online affair with a catfisher.

Hard to imagine why she doesn't believe his "I love you and I'll change" song-and-dance when she's already heard it and watched it fail. :iiam:

# ¿ Oct 26, 2021 19:50

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

The Maroon Hawk posted:

If they don't work for at least a full 24 months then their work will basically have been done for free, I am confident this will hold up in court

If done correctly, it actually would hold up just fine in court. The trick is that you don't withhold the entire salary, you just modify the salary structure so it's more bonus-based.

-Currently, they offer $275,000 annually, which is paid every two weeks in $10k increments or whatever. This isn't working because after six months, people nope out.
-The new structure would be that they'd instead only pay you $5k every two weeks for total $130,000, then if you're still there after 12 months, they hand you a $145,000 retention bonus. The total payout is still the same $275K, *but* when you get sick of the job six months in, you're staring down the golden handcuffs of yeah but I can't leave till April because there's a huge payout down the line if I can just hold out for another few months.

Of course, the issue for OP is that they're already having trouble finding enough qualified people, so good luck convincing candidates to pick your $130k base salary plus bonuses when competitors are still offering just straight $250k salary. Yeah, you're offering more total money, but there'd be plenty of candidates who'd go with the old "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" attitude and/or think you're playing some games where you'll lay them off right before the bonus is due.

# ¿ Oct 26, 2021 22:26

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Arsenic Lupin posted:

"But my clients depend on me!" to which everybody is pointing out that if she died, they'd have a moment or two of regret and then get on just fine.

Lol at the clients depending on OP.

It's investment banking - with corporations or ultra-wealthy individuals; the kind of people who see junior staffers making an hourly rate commensurate with $275k annually and don't blink. Nobody's depending on you to save their life here.

# ¿ Oct 27, 2021 03:04

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

teen witch posted:

AAAAA I gotta find the original as OP nuked it from orbit, she is so wrong wrong wrong on so many levels

Let's check a few more ways she's wrong. Bolding mine.

Can you explain why you think you're entitled to show up early and get started early despite only paying for an hour of the two hour studio time?

quote:

The session cost was almost $600 and it has a list of what it includes. I was supposed to have a one hour session but I only got 25 minutes and she spent some of the studio time with someone else who was also paying! I paid for some one else�s time in the studio! She wouldn�t give me more time saying we had to vacate the studio by 12:30! How is that not her fault!

Wait, did she send you the policies or not?

quote:

I should say she did send over the policies and I even looked at it because it had photos of the inside of the studio but I didn�t read anything I thought it was just more paperwork like her welcome packet and dos and donts thing she just didn�t specifically tell me kids weren�t allowed but it did say in the email

quote:

She did but I didn�t know they were policies because it said something like �welcome to honeycomb studios� and I only looked at the pictures to see what the studio looked like I didn�t read anything else she could have told me to read the whole email or given me the important parts separate

Why would you bring your kid to a sexy photo shoot?

quote:

I didn�t even think about it because my kid has seen me naked all the time but the owner said that she doesn�t know for sure this is my kid which was just INSULTING of her and it�s a blanket policy and she doesn�t care if my kid has seen me naked because she hasn�t seen me posing prevocativly before but I just didn�t think about it and thought it would be fine

# ¿ Oct 27, 2021 11:40

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

To those of you out there who�ve visited Japan and have money: Is Kobe beef really *that* much better than a normal high end steak? Or is it mostly marketing?

rotinaj posted:

Anytime someone buys me food, I�m looking for the cheapest thing that isn�t an appetizer, because I feel bad someone else is shelling out for me

Personally, I usually just ahead and order whatever I would have ordered normally, as though its coming out of my pocket.

I don�t think you should abuse someone�s hospitality by getting the most expensive item, but I also don�t think you need to feel guilty and order the cheapest thing possible either.

# ¿ Oct 27, 2021 17:59

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

teen witch posted:

AITA for agreeing with my daughter that I didnt like her name?
Also, anyone just reading this for the first time, you don't need to leave anymore comments, if you're just gonna say YTA. I get the point. I would be interested to see if anyone has any NTA comments and I will definitely try to look and read those tomorrow. Night everyone.

Imagine being so clearly YTA that you need to beg for NTA comments - like, so wrong that you can't even do the normal cherry-picking of comments who agree with you because literally nobody is on your side.

# ¿ Oct 29, 2021 13:48

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

greazeball posted:

You could just buy him some kind of coffee rig as a cheeky thank you gift

As someone just like OP's brother who doesn't drink coffee, I can tell you exactly what happens when someone gifts you a coffee maker you neither want nor need "because everybody should have a coffee maker".

1.) The coffee maker gets tossed in the back of a cabinet or some top shelf of a closet (possibly still in the box) because it's not worth wasting counter space on something that you'll never use.
2.) It is then forgotten about for months or years until you have someone over who asks for coffee and remember it...but of course, you still don't have coffee grinds because why the hell would you, it still doesn't get used.
3.) Eventually, you move to a new place and either throw it in the trash or donate it, having never once used it.

# ¿ Oct 30, 2021 14:25

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Propaniac posted:

AITA for getting angry at my girlfriend over how to split the gas accurately?

I don�t understand why just adding up all the gas and dividing by 2 isn�t equal. If you have a common denominator of �dividing by two�, it doesn�t matter.

20/2 + 20/2 + 20/2 + 20/2 + 20/2 = 10+10+10+10+10 = $50
By comparison, if you add up all the receipts first to get to $100, then divide by 2, you get�100/2 =$50.

Does he explain his method any better in the comments or did this brilliant engineer just fail middle school math?

# ¿ Oct 30, 2021 22:02

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Cowslips Warren posted:

AITA for buying my daughter a purple tablet?
He thinks that if we decided to sell it one day it wouldn't sell as well as a black one.
(...)
it was $40 and it's set up with strict parental controls

Lol at worrying about the resale price of a tablet that costs $40 brand new.

Even if by some miracle it doesn't get destroyed by the six-year old, nobody's buying a used version of something that cheap.

# ¿ Oct 31, 2021 01:21

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

spouse posted:

What the heck did the kid do last year if carpet poo poo for a week results in a split judgement on trick or treating?

If the post is new, then last year was presumably Covid.

# ¿ Nov 1, 2021 00:34

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

rotinaj posted:

Place your bets, ladies and gents, I�m going with �the boss buys the coffee cups with company money, but keeps the cash per coffee cup�

I think you're right, but I'll one-up you by adding that the boss is also skimming company funds in other ways. Looking forward to an OP update where we find out that the boss nuked herself when the HR/grandboss hear in OP's exit interview that they lost a five-year employee over a couple bucks a week of coffee.

Especially when you remember that this is the best labor market for workers in at least a decade AND any boss who's this tight with coffee costs is guaranteed to be cheap on raises/salaries also AND OP has been there for five years. So they were definitely getting OP at a huge discount and hey congrats on saving a few bucks on coffee while costing the company thousands extra on salary.

# ¿ Nov 2, 2021 05:16

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Mx. posted:

AITA? For refusing to pay for my boyfriend's medical bills after he had an accident in my car?

oh he's a keeper

She should also get her own friends because wtf at �he basically stole your car, then crashed it, now is trying to blame you for his own bad driving - but hey you have money so you should pay his medical bills�

# ¿ Nov 2, 2021 11:15

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

edgeman83 posted:

If the hotel GM story is real, that is one naive 23 year old. Why would a front desk manager have the authority to decide someone's job description? Hell, a GM is an important enough job that they would have signed an employment contract. They would KNOW for sure their position. Acting like the front desk manager is their boss is strange.

The other contradiction is that in a hotel chain, the GM is directly above the front desk manager in the chain of command, either as the immediate supervisor or separated by another level in between. Having full and unquestioned authority to hire your own boss just doesn't happen. At most, you get to provide input on the candidates as part of the search team; often you don't even get that much.

If we treat it as real, then the likely scenario is that OP said she wanted to be a GM and the manager's mention of putting it on file was agreeing to work towards that goal eventually. OP incorrectly believed that was a promise that she'd be handed the role next time it opened, but that was never what was on the table. Instead, it was more like a long-term plan to eventually position OP for a GM slot over the course of a few years.

# ¿ Nov 3, 2021 03:35

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Propaniac posted:

My [38M] wife [35F] and I have been going through a divorce. She's trying to guilt me into agreeing to withdrawal.
Even when I shared the details, my mother replied, "Your wife is right there. She knows she made a mistake and wants to make it right. That's what you have to do, love and forgive her. Your kids deserve to grow up with two parents."

Nice work by the mother to totally ignore the fact that the wife�s �recognized her mistake and wants to make it better� happened *only* after it turned out that her affair partner didn�t have the money for them to live off of.

# ¿ Nov 4, 2021 20:26

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

spacetoaster posted:

Yeah, it's very successful if your kid is active in real social activity.

I know several kids kids on my kids sports teams that don't do any social media at all and it's fine.

But there's a ton of lovely people out there who think a screen with internet access is absolutely required for kids these days. It's bad.

My question would be if the kids on your teams have their parents blocking social media use or if it's that the kids themselves simply chose not to deal with it. The kids deciding on their own social media is dumb is one thing, but I think parents actively banning it would be unsuccessful in the same way that being ultra strict about alcohol or sex usually is. Either the kids will sneak behind your back to do it in high school or they'll eventually encounter it on their own in college and have no basis in how to do it safely.

The correct answer is probably the same as it has always been: Be an actual parent. Don't bury your head in the sand by trying to ban things and pretending that Instagram doesn't exist, but also don't just blindly let them wander blindly into the deep end of the pool either.

# ¿ Nov 5, 2021 14:02

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Beachcomber posted:

Reminds me of the one where a guy got a once in a lifetime cash windfall and spent the whole thing on a secret passage, completely alienating his wife/fiance.

Please tell me someone has this one.

# ¿ Nov 5, 2021 22:31

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Evil Willow posted:

AITA for asking what my friend sees in his wife?

Pretty impressive that she went for "you can do better" when he's literally in the middle of talking about how much he's looking forward to having kid with his wife and how she's glowing.

# ¿ Nov 7, 2021 02:58

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

MarcusSA posted:

Still though it seems like a pretty big risk to take. I can�t even count the number of times I�ve ordered diet soda and gotten the regular stuff.

Especially since Coke Zero, Diet Coke, and regular Coke all look visually identical.

If OP had this exact same issue except with caffeine, you could order Sprite or ginger ale and then rely on the drink's color to tell you instantly if you got something else, but with Coke Zero, the only way you're going to know is via taste. And welp, OP's taste buds are messed up due to Covid, so it's basically gambling on nobody making a mistake along the line.

# ¿ Nov 8, 2021 00:42

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

holtemon posted:

Not from /relationships but still a doozy. All the comments are saying she's out cheating on him during the 9 hour PTA meeting

A 9 hour PTA meeting in a different city which is uh, not how PTA associations typically work.

# ¿ Nov 9, 2021 00:43

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Soysaucebeast posted:

Exactly. The real winning move is to die completely destitute and leave no inheritance behind! That's what both my parents did and it made everything pain free! Actually, it still managed to be a nightmare. I have relatives I've never even met coming out of the woodwork trying to get some of my mom's ashes and they don't take "she wanted them spread at X location" as an acceptable answer.

Wait, what does everyone want a part of the ashes for? :psyduck:

# ¿ Nov 9, 2021 17:06

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Zulily Zoetrope posted:

a tesla SUV

I want to say this is a comedy post because there is no way that exists, but I know that would just inspire someone to post pictures of the tesla SUV and I don't want that.

They absolutely exist.

A quick Google search also brings up a US News article stating that the Tesla SUV is �far and away the highest base price in the luxury hybrid and electric SUV class.�

Not exactly the same thing as the used Jeep she was in love with for months.

# ¿ Nov 9, 2021 22:42

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Pondex posted:

She could probably get some crusty granola-person to pose as a shaman and sell MIL some special "amazonian smudging sage" or whatever. Split the proceeds afterwards. Or an abuela from the local taco-stand for some ethnic flair.

This, but you forgot the final step, which is the most important of all:

Take your share of the money from the �curse removal� and invest it in new locks that MIL doesn�t have a key to.

# ¿ Nov 11, 2021 14:41

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

hallo spacedog posted:

How on earth does he have time to watch multiple streaming services as sahp to two little kids? Absolutely throw him out with the garbage.

Megillah Gorilla posted:

Because he does none of the housework.

His "parenting" also probably stops the exact moment she walks through the door after work.

# ¿ Nov 12, 2021 04:10

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Soylent Pudding posted:

AITA for telling my fiancee I am not willing to lie about how we met to her family and friends?

It's going to be hilarious if he actually tries to lie, because there's no chance in hell that the story he tells at the wedding is going to match what she's already told her friends and family.

Like, he'll try to tell the meet-cute story about how he went to Starbucks and he was enchanted by how well the green apron matched her eyes...but the story she's been telling for years is that they met at a tiny locally-owned coffee shop and he complimented her perfect smile.

# ¿ Nov 12, 2021 15:06

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Mormon Nailer posted:

Give me your bathtub

What the gently caress?

# ¿ Nov 14, 2021 01:56

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Metis of the Hallways posted:

AITA for telling my girlfriend that her phobia is ridiculous and she needs treatment? (self.AmItheAsshole)
On Thursday, she left her slipper boots on the other side of the bedroom (she had socks on, but took them off when she got in bed) so she called in sick to work and stayed in bed all day. When I got back from work, (I work 8-4, she woke up at about 11, so she waited about 5 and a half hours) she was desperate for the toilet, really hungry, and distressed.

Yolo Swaggins Esq posted:

Sever because this lady is too stupid to use gloves or rugs, or like, keep extra slippers and socks around.

She could also have put her socks back on, thrown the warm blanket from the bed on the floor and used that as a walking surface, wrapped her hand in a blanket to pick up her cold phone, grabbed some stuff off the bedside table to use as a hook to pull the boots within arms' reach, or a number of other options.

But her phobia is strong enough that she was apparently willing to starve and hold a piss for hours until her boyfriend got home, so I'll bet her phobia would have invented reasons why none of these are acceptable either.

# ¿ Nov 14, 2021 13:13

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Total Meatlove posted:

Isn�t the rule for specials half as much again on top of the normal mains pricing?

In many cases, it's not even that much - the specials are often similar to the highest price on the menu (maybe a couple bucks more) and even being "50% more than anything else" would be kind of excessive. So in OP's example, if the prices are all $11-$14, I'd guess the steak would like $17 or so, with $20 as the absolute max. And if it came back as triple the price, I'd be pissed too.

kazr posted:

The owner responding with anything but the boiler plate "sorry about your experience please contact us" is pretty damning.

I appreciate when owners reply with angry screeds because it immediately confirms that OP's side of the story is more or less correct.

# ¿ Nov 15, 2021 12:58

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

JeremoudCorbynejad posted:

*breaks leg*

poo poo that wasn't in my plan! I'm hosed!

Alternatively, he *did* try to plan for random events and ends up having to fit those in.

Wait, in early November 2021, I�m supposed to break my phone. Time to �accidentally� drop it onto concrete; it�s the only way to be sure I�m still on schedule!

# ¿ Nov 15, 2021 18:13

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# ¿ May 13, 2024 22:08

MagusofStars: Mar 31, 2012

Invisible Clergy posted:

That's weird. I'll just do it manually. I was gonna do an image because the meat was in a couple of comments:

What's the best way to disassemble raspberries?

I hope OP�s �she�s paying us enough to make it worth it� is paid all in advance because there�s zero chance the actual result matches the bride�s mental image of what she *thinks* raspberries on a wedding dress will look like - then she�ll blame OP for not doing it right.

# ¿ Nov 17, 2021 14:35

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: I have nothing against this baby.

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