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A TOURIST GUIDE TO THE AFC EAST THREAD By a Minnesota Twins fan Greetings! If you, like me, are here out of curiosity what the gently caress is up with this thread that posts at about six times the speed of any other thread in the Football subforum, then welcome. This is the thread for the AFC East, a division of NFL football which all involved will probably agree was a mistake, but it's too late to do anything about it now. Unlike the NFC East, which has been uniformly terrible for at least a decade, the AFC East has featured some of the most uniformly good AND uniformly bad teams of football for just about as long. After a long period of solo domination by The Most Hated Force In Football, things have recently slumped and stumbled into something much more resembling parity. Let's go over some of the sights and sounds you will see in this thread. THE BUFFALO BILLS The perpetual bridesmaid of the division, the Bills have never won a Super Bowl despite having some of the mightiest teams in the history of the sport. Bringing up the past with this crew is fraught with danger, as some may react violently or collapse into sobbing when overwhelmed with the thought of what could have been, which is a feeling very familiar to baseball fans. Currently, however, the Bills are Good! Probably. God we hope so this time. They have a phenomenal quarterback in Josh Allen, who actually transformed into his potential capability and is now a terrifying offensive weapon, along with a very nasty defense and solid coaching. Usually. Do not ask about the Jacksonville game. The problem has generally been that every now and then, the Bills' superhuman efforts to be competent produce too much strain and they lapse into complete buffoonery on one or both sides of the ball for a bit. As the Bills are a Good Team, they have generally recovered from these and gone on to keep stomping the opposition, but it has cost them a few shots in the last few years. Hopefully that will change this year! The Bills have been putting out some of the best football (along with some of the funniest) in the last few years but have yet to make it past the Kansas City Chiefs and their human superweapon Patrick Mahomes to get to the big dance, though no-one is doubting their talent (lest they end up like the Patriots did last year). Maybe this year will be the year? The Bills are a very fun team to watch because Josh Allen is a beast, Stefon Diggs is a beast, Von Miller is going to almost certainly continue to be a beast, and at this point you generally want them to succeed just to end the perpetual agony. Even when they hosed up in the past it wasn't hyper amusing so much as painful to watch. They are the Gallant of two teams owned by the Pegula fossil fuel magnates (the Goofus are the Buffalo Sabres ice hockey team). They also have an absolutely amazing fanbase who love jumping through tables, and some excellent thread posters. Expect Bills posters to never buy into the hype initially due to many, many years of being burned, but if good things happen, the celebrations are nuts. Noted Posters: fsif, t a s t e, Paracausal, pasaluki, Lance of Llanwyln THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS Ah, the Patriots. gently caress 'em. Even if you don't follow football you probably know the Patriots. After spending most of their existence as an outright gong show, the Patriots acquired legendary NFL quarterback Tom Brady and spent literally two decades building the most terrifying dynasty in sports history around him and master coach Bill Belichick. This much prolonged success can have disastrous effects on a fanbase, and produced levels of toxicity and entitlement in the Boston area not seen since the height of Celtics basketball. It seemed like it would never end, and the Patriots would just forever be good and dominate the division. Then Brady left. Things have been how you say not so great since then. Let's go over the list. Belichick is like eighty and while still probably a deadly coach, has to start from scratch again building up a team around a new quarterback -- which takes time he probably doesn't have. This has not been aided by the Patriots having miserable drafts for the last like ten years, and Belichick's prolonged success meaning the coaching positions around him have thoroughly atrophied. When one man is a supercomputer running your team with ruthless efficiency, his supporting positions tend to just follow his lead. This showed in how his understudies have almost all failed horrifically when trying to head coach elsewhere, and some of the worst have now come back to coach positions alongside his kids. Results have not been good. As a combination of all of this, the Patriots look like they are finally falling off the mountain, emblemized by limping into the playoffs last year only to be ruthlessly stampeded to death by the Bills. They do have some nice pieces like their shiny new QB Mac Jones to look at, but overall there are few signs the situation is getting better, and the Boston area in general looks like it may be headed for the mother of all hangovers from its eighteen-year high. Nobody will feel sorry for them. That said they do have some good posters here, you can feel sorry for them even as you mock their team. Patriots posters are rarer than others partly because every non-fan hates the team at this point, but the ones who are here as actual fans are drat sincere Patriots fans, as you can tell by how bitterly mad their decline makes them. They can see it coming, and all they can do is spit acid and shitpost about how useless their receivers are. Noted Posters: Impossibly Perfect Sphere, Phobeste, Shimrra Jamaane, Nodoze, Magicpants THE MIAMI DOLPHINS Possessing a complete dipshit of an owner, the only perfect undefeated season in football history, and an extremely obnoxiously catchy fight song, Miami has spent a long time in the past as a major threat in the NFL. That time has NOT been the last five to ten years. The bad thing about having The Perfect Season is that it sets expectations to live up to, and the Dolphins just have not been able to. Ever since Dan "Laces Out" Marino retired, Miami has been lost in the murk and drifting from mediocrity to failure and back again. Everyone thought they might have finally hit a winner with Brian Flores as their coach! This turned out to be wrong as Miami hosed that up so bad that it resulted in a discrimination lawsuit and NFL sanction (well, the latter is supposedly because they sent Tom Brady a text message). The Dolphins are an ineptly owned team and have been ineptly run for a while, but they have dangerous pieces and will occasionally wake up from their cursed slumber to rip some hapless team in half, which is always a good time. Their quarterback is a god drat lightning rod both in the regular NFL media and also sometimes in this thread; avoid bringing up Tua unless you want to reignite a sectarian conflict. Which, sometimes that produces funny posting, but at this point it's really just mostly retreading old ground. The Dolphins are in their first year with a new coach and a bunch of new pieces, and QB Tua Tagoaviloa is set to have his make-or-break year as hopefully this time his offensive line will not be made of wishes and spinning playground toys. He also has one of the most skilled ball catchers now in the form of Noted Woman Respecter Tyreek Hill, so hopefully that will improve things. They're kind of in trouble if it doesn't, because a lot of their future has either been mortgaged for this present or taken from them as penance for texting Tom Brady. Dolphins posters are, surprisingly, usually the most hopeful of the thread (in a very relative statement) -- they can see the positives in the team pretty well, though they have also been through a LOT of suffering and will very quickly recognize when it's all going to poo poo. Noted Posters: Ehud, Amy Pole Her, is pepsi ok, TheBizzness, Hamhandler THE NEW YORK JETS New York City has eight Big Four sports teams in its metro area; exactly three of these are allowed to be good at any given time. It has been a long-rear end time since the Jets got to hold that Burger King crown. The Jets won Super Bowl III way back in 1969 and since then have been subjected to every indignity and misfortune you can think of. Incompetent ownership, incompetent coaching, incompetent players, injuries annihilating careers, hilarious injuries annihilating careers, Brett Farve, Rex Ryan, a QB running into his own lineman's rear end ("the Buttfumble"), teams that were good but couldn't quite make it, teams that were some of the worst that have ever existed, Adam Gase. Mentioning Adam Gase without "gently caress that guy" in the same sentence may be a criminal misdemeanor in some parts of NYC (and Miami, for the record). The Jets have two things going for them: they have never hit the true low of going completely defeated in a season, and they have recently enacted a purge of this round of incompetent leadership along with drafting some very good new players recently (good drafting has been a rarity for the Jets for decades, well beyond any particular coach, GM, or even owner, so this is a breath of fresh air). Their QB, Zach Wilson, is rumored to be a cougar hunter. Their defense and running game may have actual players instead of hypotheticals this year. They got a guy named Sauce for God's sake! And yet already injuries have started to put chinks in this rosy window. Maybe Mekhi Becton will achieve his potential sometime before 2050. What is guaranteed is that Jets posters will sometimes appear optimistic, but this is only because they have become numb to the misery. Jets posters know how bad this team can be and by God they'll wallow in it if given the opportunity, but as 3/4 of this thread can tell you, there is nothing like a fan starved of anything good for months who gets given genuine hope. Noted Posters: mcmagic, Professor Funk, syzpid, Diva Cupcake MCMAGIC CONTENT WARNING: McMagic is the Jets' most prolific poster in this thread and possibly the most prolific poster in the thread, period. He is also CONTROVERSIAL. McMagic is absolutely guaranteed to hold the hell out of whatever opinion might be in question at the moment, and will defend it at length whether it is right or wrong (he's a pretty aight poster). This is a sign of Dedication, however, not being a Hot Takes Machine, and in the modern sports environment determining between the two can be very difficult for an amateur. It is important to recognize when this is happening and do not engage. Allow veteran thread posters to handle the situation. This is especially true when the Jets are actually playing football. Note that thread may contain multiple other AFC East fan regulars and irregulars who I have not mentioned due to forgetting them like a dipshit. WHAT TO EXPECT Holy poo poo this thread talks a lot eh. By far the most of any of the divisional discussion threads, and not just because of McMagic either. The AFC East is a very close-knit environment and sometimes the posters for this division will actually just post here instead of in GDTs, usually when in-division games are happening. They really shouldn't, but you try and stop 'em. If you enjoy a bunch of habitual pessimists who actually know a lot about football using that knowledge to advance their pessimism and yell at each other about how they're changing positions repeatedly and hated X player last week, or the fiftieth Tua argument in the last month, or just words to shove in front of your eyes to stop your brain from screaming at you, then this thread is for you. Also they're funny as hell. The Bills are almost guaranteed to win this division if things proceed as planned. If this thread can tell you one thing it's that nothing ever proceeds as planned. The Dolphins and Patriots are currently strangling each other to try and follow up the Bills, with the Pats trending down and the Dolphins trending up, while the Jets are still stuck in the basement picking up the pieces -- they're doing a lot better at picking up the pieces, but they're not done with the process yet. Either the Dolphins or Pats could make the playoffs as a Wild Card; it would probably be detrimental to everyone if it was the Pats this year but that hasn't stopped them in the past. This might also be the first year since 20 goddamn 15 that the Jets beat the Patriots. Be sure to tune in if that happens. Redeye Flight fucked around with this message at 02:01 on Sep 7, 2022 |
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Sep 7, 2022 00:56
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sirtommygunn posted:My takes weren't hot enough to be recognized I didn't want to put more than five posters for each team  I did recognize the quality of your hot takes, you are seen in my heart.
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Sep 7, 2022 01:15
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mcmagic posted:Is this the really perception of me? That I do hot takes that i don't really believe in and just argue them just to argue? I feel like if an opinion I have ends up being wrong I usually just admit it. No, that's not what I meant! I don't think you argue just to argue at all, but if you believe in something, god drat do you believe in it, is what I see.
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Sep 7, 2022 01:33
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So ends the Ground Beef Bowl, where two teams are reduced to hamburger for our amusement. Tune in next week for the next shitshow!
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Sep 25, 2022 21:17
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Declan MacManus posted:i just want a fun scandal like the vikings sex boat Not even the Vikings seem to get fun scandals like Sex Boat anymore. Please come back, my Minnetonka Queen.
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Sep 30, 2022 15:40
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th3t00t posted:Bills have the worst run blocking O-line in the league and replacement level running backs and are down 14. Yeah, and you see? You won! Run Established, Win Secured.
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Oct 2, 2022 22:00
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pasaluki posted:That whole drive was unreal. That drive is when I knew they would win the game. He's also apparently built of neutronium. He runs, he throws, he stiffarms. Josh Allen is.
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Oct 4, 2022 23:54
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TheBizzness posted:Might be worth it to risk a loss to the Jets and let those guys sit before we play freaking Jefferson. I'm not going to lie, that game has me concerned. I don't expect us to actually win things this year what with a new coach, but I'd very much like to not get blown to pieces by high-octane opponents.
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Oct 6, 2022 03:09
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Reading through the backlog of the thread, and...tarbrush posted:Well, we're hosed is pepsi ok posted:Remember when we were #1 in the power rankings? th3t00t posted:Bills gonna find a way to lose this game. It should be 21-3 right now. Instead it’s 10-3 and the Steelers are very much in this. Man, I really nailed the analysis of the Buffalo Bills fans back before the season started, huh :V Reading these quotes now you would never expect that they would come from midway through a 38-3 complete pantsing of the worst Steelers squad in maybe 20 years.
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Oct 13, 2022 01:57
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And I mean I get it, I really do, but also: 
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Oct 13, 2022 02:00
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TheBizzness posted:Two of those posters are Dolphins fans. Whoops, welp. Shows how good I am at keeping track of people.
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Oct 13, 2022 02:08
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Amy Pole Her posted:Minnesota scares me Also I think every Vikings fan will agree that we have absolutely no idea how we're 4-1. It's not like we've faced exclusively easy competition, and it's not like they've ALL been nailbiters. Most of them have been, though. The Heart Attack Kids continue their reign of terror. At least we're winning most of 'em now! The fact that our one loss was to an unequivocally good team and three of those wins came over the Lions, Bears, and Saints is not super heartening (and even the Packers win looks less shiny than it did earlier since they've been struggling so much, not that I won't take it). Basically I think this one could go either way and will be a real good litmus test of Minnesota. Is this team for fuckin' real? I personally want to find out NOW so we stand a slightly smaller chance of winding up another victim on Buffalo's murder rap sheet when we play in November. Whose idea was it to have us play the entire AFC AND NFC East this year?
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Oct 13, 2022 03:22
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Ehud posted:Tua cleared. Should play next week. Well, that should give him a nice easy comeback game against the decrepit remains of what was the Steelers' defense.
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Oct 15, 2022 22:09
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TheBizzness posted:Id like to make a “at least 2/3rds of you will be moving here in 20 years to retire” joke but lol @ being able to retire and lol @ Florida still being inhabitable. Joke's on you, in 20 years the retirement country will come to ME. The joke, you see, is that the planet's dyin' Cloud
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Oct 17, 2022 04:42
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Gonna copy my thoughts from the N/V thread, edited down:Redeye Flight posted:BYE WEEKS: VIKINGS, BILLS, RAMS, EAGLES: This is kind of a dire combination since it takes out three of the top teams in the NFL, two of whom were actually hyper exciting to watch and one of whom was the Heart Attack Kids. Also the Rams are here. Gonna be a lot less exciting football to watch with both the Bills and Eagles off. The Rams desperately needed this bye, though, and the Bills could honestly use it too to become even more deadly. Maybe the Vikings can finally get the offense out of neutral and the defense on the road at all with this break.
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Oct 23, 2022 17:43
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fsif posted:drat, didn't realize we were getting a Dan Campbell revenge game this weekend. I think every single "revenge game" this year has been a miserable failure, which doesn't give me much hope for the Lions' chances.
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Oct 28, 2022 21:53
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fsif posted:Anyway going to die mad about how this season was supposed to be the one where the Bills get a major leg up over the Chiefs because of the BRUTAL AFC WEST and now this season happens. I mean, if it's any consolation, the Chiefs appear to be getting overrun by the horde of King Henry right now.
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Nov 7, 2022 04:19
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fsif posted:https://twitter.com/JohnSharkman/status/1591833420665344000?s=20&t=jpQQ0fWiHFQqfkAdUM5X6A Ah poo poo. The omens are poor. We must make a sacrifice to the Football Gods. A pack of Spotted Cow shall be poured into the Mississippi.
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Nov 13, 2022 18:45
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Jesus Christ this is not the Vikings. There's no way in hell this is the same team that lost six billion games last year in the last two minutes. What the gently caress am I witnessing? I hope, extremely sincerely, that good things come to the Bills. Y'all are amazing and you deserve it. I want both teams awarded wins. Holy poo poo.
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Nov 13, 2022 23:33
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CharlestheHammer posted:To be fair the Vikings would have lost in the last two minutes if it wasn’t for a very very lucky break That's the thing, though. Last year they had NO luck in the last two minutes. Lucky breaks were for the opposition. This year it's been almost nothing BUT lucky breaks at the end. It's incredible.
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Nov 13, 2022 23:44
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fsif posted:What is this obsession with sitting Allen? He was (physically) fine. People are nervous after the horrific Tua injuries IMO, they really set a tone on the whole year. You get news that your own essential star QB might have suffered an injury that could permanently destroy his career or even his having a normal life, but it's certainly no big deal, he can totally play next week, and even if you trust the Bills' staff more than the Dolphins' staff (reasonable), a part of your brain is going to be going, "Hmm, wait, I've seen this movie already..."
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Nov 14, 2022 03:11
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Is the plan here to just outright toss a landmine under what's left of the bandwagon? What sick bastard put Patriots-Raiders on Sunday Night?
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Nov 17, 2022 19:40
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Impossibly Perfect Sphere posted:You are memory-holing all the AFCW offseason hype. They were literally dark horse candidates for a Super Bowl run. I recall all of that talk coming around the time they signed Davante Adams, which was valid, and then vanishing into thin air when they picked McDaniels for HC. I may be getting the time frame mixed up. Regardless, however, as soon as McDaniels was picked as HC that hype should have been instantly retracted. Nosre posted:McDaniels, yea, but there's been some very high profile coaches that flamed out in their first stints but did great in the 2nd That's fair, but my other question would be, do those include any of the Bill Belichick coaching tree hires?
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Nov 17, 2022 19:50
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Redeye Flight posted:THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
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Nov 25, 2022 05:34
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Chris James 2 posted:https://twitter.com/BenVolin/status/1596000265299456001 Your Playoff Contending New York Football Jets (now featuring Defense)
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Nov 25, 2022 05:43
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So y'all know how I'm doing the thing with historical stats and numbers, right Well, this is the first time the Bills have had a three-game winning streak against the Pats in their house since the 1992-1993 era.
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Dec 2, 2022 05:13
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Also I'd like to observe that with this week's game, the Minnesota Vikings have officially beaten the entire AFC East. ...I genuinely have no idea HOW. Can we please get rid of Ed Donatell?
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Dec 4, 2022 22:32
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mcmagic posted:It's reasonable to say the Jets are slightly worse than the bills and both teams should've beat the lovely overrated lucksack Vikings. I do think the Bills loss is worse because how the gently caress do you fumble a snap there. Hey, screw you pal! Our offense and special teams are in no way overrated. No, I didn't forget anything. Don't look over there, at least not until the last two minutes.
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Dec 5, 2022 18:25
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YOLOsubmarine posted:My point wasn’t that those teams were secretly good back then, it’s that Minnesotas end of season schedule looks harder now than it did a few weeks ago when both of those teams looked completely lost. Something out there doesn't want a single one of Minnesota's games to look convincing. CAN they win all the rest of their schedule? Yes, I absolutely believe so. Do I have a single week where I'm convinced they WILL? gently caress no. Not even against the Colts. The Colts is the one that worries me the least in a rational sense, which irrationally makes me think it's going to be a nailbiter based on the rest of the season. I'm definitely glad this team is 10-2 compared to last year's miserable endeavor, but I'm STILL expecting it to collapse at any time and that really fuckin' sucks.
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Dec 6, 2022 02:52
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t a s t e posted:https://twitter.com/ByMHarrington/status/1604342357230358528?s=20&t=gal1ZY1axX0l3jx_R2aoqg Unreal that both teams were simultaneous holes full of burning tires about five years ago compared to how exceptional they're doing now. Though honestly I'm far more surprised at the turnaround on the Sabres than I am on the Bills, they seemed WAY more rudderless and in the poo poo way more recently.
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Dec 18, 2022 12:16
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t a s t e posted:The lions are better than their record As a fan of a divisionmate/rival and one that recently got pimpslapped by them, the Lions are definitely better than their record. They're getting a TON of production out of a roster that's still very much a work in progress, much like the Jets and Giants both. Dan Campbell isn't the best coach in the league -- he does weird things with the clock, for one, though that's hardly a problem unique to Campbell -- but he's unpredictable and extremely charismatic, that team loves him to death, and his coordinators and position coaches are the same way. Sometimes they do dumb poo poo, but sometimes that dumb poo poo is the distraction for them to rip your face off. Lions are still not what I'd call at their final form, but they're on their way there at top speed. They're also really, really fun to watch while doing so.
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Dec 18, 2022 23:51
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YOLOsubmarine posted:Buffalo is losing to the Bears, a demonstrably worse teams than the Lions. The only conclusion is that the entire AFC East are Frauds. From the perspective of the division that houses both of those teams, my conclusion is that every team in the NFL are frauds. Every single one. Even the Texans are fraudulent in that they've been playing way harder and closer than a team with that record should be. We all front down here.
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Dec 24, 2022 20:31
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Nodoze posted:Jets and Dolphins about to be playing each other on dueling 5 game losing streaks The sound of Dueling Banjos grows louder and louder to try and drown out the roar of the approaching waterfall.
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Jan 2, 2023 07:20
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Shimrra Jamaane posted:I am just waiting for the breaking news tweet that Mayo has been hired by some trash team to be a DC and I'm going to laugh in anger as Steve sticks around. Josh McDaniels survives the apocalyptic collapse of Las Vegas into the Earth's core and returns home to New England... to be put in charge of the defense.
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Jan 10, 2023 19:32
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Lance of Llanwyln posted:I know we won, but I can't be happy with this game. Just an unforgivably sloppy effort that would have lost us the game if the Dolphins weren't starting their literal third-string QB. Congratulations, Buffalo, on your purchase of a copy of the 2022 Minnesota Vikings Experience! We hope you are enjoying your purchase and complimentary heart attack. Please look forward to the next game that will be just as insane but in a completely different way.
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Jan 15, 2023 23:11
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Well, that's the price you pay for a Super Bowl window like this, eh? Let me just take a sip of this water and see how long they spent in contention...
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Jan 15, 2023 23:14
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Cavauro posted:Josh is better. but Joe? he's the grandmaster of my order. he lives quietly as a monk at weynon priory. near the city of chorrol. Take the draft pick. Give it to Joe. Only he knows where to find the Unicorn QB.
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Jan 23, 2023 18:27
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Impossibly Perfect Sphere posted:Really. This loving guy loves to talk about himself. Is there anyone on the planet with a higher opinion of themselves than Aaron Rodgers? Elon Musk. But they'd get along fantastically.
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Feb 7, 2023 20:46
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Pablo Bluth posted:On the other hand, the washington one is a car-crash and it correlates to losing. Yeah, a lot of the teams' rankings are relatively close because you're dealing with a bunch of percentiles from 85 to 100% -- something like 25-28 of the teams have 80%+ player confidence in the owner wanting to spend money to improve the facilities. The gradations between those are going to be pretty small and by-degrees. The Cardinals and Commanders are so far off the scale that they basically completely break it. THOSE are where you see these factors translate not just to losing, but perpetual awfulness. The Jags are low but on the way out of the pit, by best assessments. The Cardinals and Commanders are going nowhere, and players are going to notice that.
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Mar 2, 2023 00:57
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tarbrush posted:Are GB competitive if Love turns out to be decent? Or are they at Rams teardown town? They're not at Rams level, but they're much less dangerous than they have been and are now a solid #3 in the NFCN, behind the Vikings and Lions (the Bears are definitely better than last year already but I don't think they're there yet). Rodgers' bailout options were keeping the team above water, but over relying on his passing power was also seriously holding them back. GB has a decent to great offense with some very dangerous young parts. Their defense is the big question. Last year it was supposed to be top flight; it was instead completely awful.
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Mar 13, 2023 21:43
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