Bertrand Hustle posted:

Funneling hot tar up my rear end with a traffic cone to own the libs

fruit on the bottom posted:

You also have to have the national anthem playing for the full experience

zoux posted:

https://mobile.twitter.com/LauraLoomer/status/1037468070992916483

Reminder that the way she was “censored” was losing her blue checkmark

Besesoth posted:

Look, Laura, just because he owned you doesn't mean he was auctioning you off.

MrYenko posted:

The internet is merely the latest in a long line of enormous mistakes that began with cellular mitosis.

hawowanlawow posted:

you dorks don't know poo poo

The Bloop posted:

Well, introduce yourself

Cacafuego posted:

The gently caress is a koan

Outrail posted:

You put ice cream in them.

Keru posted:

Could you make me one with everything?

AlbieQuirky posted:

For a Republican, he sure seems comfortable with being publicly owned.

goatsestretchgoals posted:

Every time McAfee locks up my work computer I like to imagine John is in there, snorting up all my CPU cycles.

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

Toast was very picky about what colours he would eat. My vet recommended putting paper pellet kitty litter in with the food to encourage foraging and reduce the number of pellets that get flung out and it's definitely helped with Crouton and Galbedir. I think that if they get bored they start inventing extra conditions their food has to have, eg no blue pellets. If they have inedible paper pellets to find and discard, they feel like discerning birds who have used their brain power for foraging and they can eat all the pellets of all colours.

FactsAreUseless posted:

Like Van Halen, they're just doing it to make sure you set up their sound system correctly. Birds have very large amplifiers.

Neddy Seagoon posted:

Nah, they mostly have tweeters.

Dameius posted:

We keep putting pork in that dead horse like we trying to join a secret society.

Neon Noodle posted:

Costco: rotate you a tire and a chicken

ChickenOfTomorrow posted:

excuse me?

Phy posted:

If ze fash tweets go out, who cares vhere zey set?
It's not my department, says Tim Gionet

Malachite_Dragon posted:

You are all deeply disturbed.

Bertrand Hustle posted:

Any recommendations on modern weird fiction in a Lovecraftian type of setting? Not necessarily Mythos stuff, but I'm not opposed. Eldritch horrors from beyond, secrets man was not meant to know, hosed up cults devoted to ancient and incomprehensible evils, that kind of thing.

I have a couple of collections of Cthulhu Mythos stories on my Kindle, but that's about it.

yeah I eat rear end posted:

referencing futurama is pretty much annoying by definition if you ask me

Tubgoat posted:

I'll just make my own references! With blackjack, and hookers! In fact, forget the references!

Hug in a Can posted:

performing femininity is more hardcore than road rash. suffering for fashion is some metal poo poo!
can you still walk without pain fron heels and still breathe bc you're not wearing shapewear and corsetry? is your vision obscured by eyelashes that would make a Muppet blush? can people no longer smell fear on you because you smell too much like peonies?!?!

METAL N GIRLY poo poo ✨✨ (puts on pointy nails and kills a small invasive species with it)

chitoryu12 posted:

What amazes me is just how fast it goes to poo poo. Like [Jacob Wohl] barely makes it 24 hours with any of his bullshit now before getting caught. If he tried to make an assassination attempt he would end up somehow hanging from a flagpole by his underwear in front of a bunch of nuns before even loading the rifle.

Ornamental Dingbat posted:

I'm legitimately glad that Far Side and Calvin and Hobbes were both done before the age of Twitter.

Busket Posket posted:

I’m glad that, in these last days of humanity, I get to spend so much time posting with goons. It’ll be like the band on the Titanic but shitposting instead of music.

GolfHole posted:

dont listen to these morons any idiot can cut down a tree a fuckin beaver can do it

Tony Snark posted:

Takes a lot Kegels to build up to that level though.

Hihohe posted:

Why are we still on this?

PhazonLink posted:

so its a slightly worse and a bun version of the Juicy Lucy( a burger with chess in the patty, also not liquid cheese, gooey cheese)

By popular demand posted:

truely a meal fit for a grandmaster.

Phy posted:

One night in Bangkok and the world's your burger
The bun is crusty but it's filled with cheese
Your arteries will be in excess turgor
It's hard to hold the pawns with all this greaze
(You should call a time-out and get napkins, please)

Pastry of the Year posted:

Donald Trump Jr. is just a pack of scabies going OH poo poo WHAT I THOUGHT THIS THING RAN ITSELF

JacquelineDempsey posted:

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I was sick of your poo poo
And really wanted to get laid.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried a printer to Mary Magdalene's house."

Dareon posted:

Ostrich is actually pretty good meat, at a music festival once our booth was next to a pair of dudes selling ostrich burgers. We did wind up taking home a lot of meat they couldn't sell, but it was tasty nonetheless. I don't remember how it compares to beef, though.

YggiDee posted:

Whenever I read his username my brain sings "It's PHIZ KALIFA" with the same cadence as "Feliz Navidad"

elise the great posted:

If God can resurrect a full body, molecule by molecule, from the generations of bacteria that have eaten the flesh of that body and then been eaten in turn, why couldn’t he resurrect my placenta

Stuntman posted:

more like oldplayedoutgimmickreply

Laserjet 4P posted:

hawowanlawow posted:

beards look like poo poo

Gargamel Gibson posted:

Then why did you marry her lol

christmas boots posted:

We're all just a series of objects that was up someone's cooter when you think about it.

AKA Pseudonym posted:

https://twitter.com/Drumboy44DWS/status/1297410323872456704?s=20

LifeSunDeath posted:

don't judge a book by it's cover, it may be small but it's been involved in countless war-crimes.

Phlegmish posted:

The little tugboat that could (commit war crimes)

Pope Hilarius II posted:

I hate flipflops. I also hate feet. So I prefer people to saw their feet off when they visit me.

My middle name is incidentally Procrustes

Paladinus posted:

They have sex in the end.

Moo the cow posted:

Whose end?

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

Howard's end. It was a weird crossover.

Butt Detective posted:

Lying on my side when I sleep is comfy but I can’t do it anymore because it makes my back hurt now. Also my back just hurts in general. Probably because I keep rolling into my side in my sleep. I’m not 30 until next year, body, wtf

Cacafuego posted:

Could be your posture is all hosed up from sitting weird at your too-low desk

E: I bet if you were having butt pains you could figure out why in no time

Elmnt80 posted:

The only thing keeping Louisiana from falling into the gulf is Arkansas sucking so drat hard.

Gutter Phoenix posted:

Steve Scalise's brain is more mangled and dysfunctional than his tattered genitals? I am shocked.



https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/feb/21/steve-scalise-trump-biden-election-abc-jonathan-karl

sweet thursday posted:

I bet he was disappointed when he found out what the minority whip actually did

bobjr posted:

https://twitter.com/jimmfelton/status/1462807790154661895?s=21

smellmycheese posted:

Lol. I read through this expecting it to end with it being a metaphor for Brexit

Robobot posted:

It’d be a bad metaphor. STDs show that you’ve had sex with someone else, brexit only shows that you’ve hosed yourself.

fuctifino posted:

https://twitter.com/RVAwonk/status/1465754699819274241

Robert Facepalmer posted:

He died doing what he loved; his own research.

Empty Sandwich posted:

one difference between dialectical materialism and my balls is that my balls have a real-world function

they're also more fun to read