Airborne Viking posted:

I posted on page 3 and never got banned.

Someone called it out, and I still didn't get banned.


Since then I've been racking up probations and even doxxed that nightshift supreme guy who keeps spamming his lovely youtube channel. But no matter what I do, I never get banned. I wander the forums, watching the people around me fall one by one. I wonder if someday around the corner my number will be up. My friends weren't spared. But I was. I curse lowtax for making me carry this burden. Am I supposed to just go home, and tell everyone what happened here? IS THAT WHAT HE WANTS ME TO DO?!

So I wander the forums. I tell my story to whoever will listen. I am a reminder. A warning. I make sure that the world never forgets.

Because I am invincible.

BOOTY-ADE posted:

Two sweaty fatboobs leaking spoiled whipping cream

SelenicMartian posted:

Mierenneuker posted:

Dear Esther 2 is looking good.

Guy Mann posted:

Replace all L4D2 graffiti with Jaden Smith tweets.

Malachite_Dragon posted:

The two are not mutually exclusive

kingcom posted:

So I heard that tech analogy and I find it kinda misleading for whats going on. So the situation is that you have a old battlemech right, you didnt code its systems and the interface just uses Microsoft ME. Its a piece of poo poo interface and you dont have the source code for it and nobody you know has it AND the drivers have been deleted so you've had to take the driver software from a Hunchback and load it into the Hatchetman you have its close enough so hopefully it'll work out. Now you know that for some reason the driver just crashes and hard locks the mech if you move faster than 64kph and you cant rewrite the driver so the mech is just capped to that, oh well not a big deal. Also you have to hard lock the weapons grouping so that one of the medium lasers fires with the Autocannon otherwise the targetting system crashes for no reason. Okay so thats all a loving mess but you got some practice writing code and you built a exception handler for the movement to let you allow vertical movement without restriction meaning the jumpjets now work. However you found a whole new issue when the pilots started using it where swinging the axe if the engine temperature is too high just causes a bunch of the actuators to lock out. No idea why the Hunchback drivers would be rigged to do that unless it was maybe to prevent the hunchbacks shoulders from damaging the expensive AC20???? gently caress it who knows.

This is how 3025 works. You are all operating on a hosed up coding system, with nobody who built it around and being told to reconfigure everything beyond what it was meant to do and just loading on more functionality. Why does the atlas have a small laser in its head? Because otherwise the command console just hardlocks out thats why. Every engineer trying to hide this hosed up mess writes in the technical report that its for 'up close punch'. This is programmer code for 'Idk boss its hosed and I cant remove it'.

Back Hack posted:

Plus you have evil religious space AT&T (aka Comcast Comstar) killing anyone who even bothers to figure out how all that old tech works or trying to invent new stuff.

kingcom posted:

Oh yeah I forgot about this. If you manage to actually build your own code or fix any of the lovely drivers issues or undertake the herculian task of ripping out the garbage operating system that was installed for legal reasons in the first place, Microsoft Certification staff just shows up and murders you and blows up your lab.

nopantsjack posted:

This fuckin game.

I got this just the other day and holy poo poo someone basically made dwarf fortress with graphics and scifi accoutrements I never knew I needed. As soon as I saw I could freeze my stockpile and heat my bedrooms with the same cooler I was sold.

Some stories from my many games:

My first game ends with everyone dying of malaria and me sneaking a womans corpse out of her husbands bed so he doesn't have to wake up that way. He does wake up to some other corpses though. I haven't dug any graves so shes put out of the way in the dump, everyone is dying of malaria and I can't find the husband. I go looking for him and find him critically ill, lying next to his wife and "looking at the sunset". I am genuinely sad.

I make a team of psychopathic doctors who plan to set up an organ farm/tasteful armchair factory with a mating pair of domesticated grizzlies. Some mad max looking cannibal turns up to join us but gets incredibly depressed by how hardcore my kru is and after a raid ends up on the operating table and I start replacing bits of him, some needed and some not. My surgeon fails to remove his nose and ends up stabbing up his kidneys and spine instead, he goes into a berserker rage out of the anesthetic, flees the room and beelines for the nearest grizzly to die in stupid combat.

I set up a rich explorer as Donald Trump and give him a small loan of 10 thousand silver and a whole bunch of gold and a golden double bed. He is abrasive and dislikes women but is industrious. Things go south quickly, the gold I brought only builds a tiny room and I can't install his golden bed. Donald gets sick from sleeping in a half built house eating raw antelope and develops bad asthma.
The first colonist who joins is a (presumably) Mexican woman named Nunez who has the lazy trait. She is everything Trump hates and hilariously she claims his golden bed and relegates him to the wooden shack. Nunez refuses to do any work except cook so Trump is dragging himself out of bed and wheezing about building the rest of the colony (until I figure out how to force Nunez to be helpful).
Things get off the ground when Trump purchases a couple good slaves, some useless chick and a beautiful and deadly tribal warrior dude who trump refuses to lend his charge rifle to. Weeks of banter lead to Trump and Nunez falling in love sitcom style and Trump is overjoyed to be sleeping in his golden bed at last, a tasteful wedding ceremony is held next to the slaughtering table and a half finished pair of hemp trousers.
Trump's asthsma is getting worse though and Nunez is worried, she tries to harvest the lungs of a bandit prisoner but fails and his comrades come with incendiary mortars. Trump meanwhile is incapacitated, having gone insane at the death of his two huskies in the previous raid and also them automatically being made into food which he likely ate. The brave tribal warrior leads a charge to fend the bandits off but is cut down by a sniper and pistol crew defending the mortars. The whole of Trumptopia burns to the ground apart from the tiny golden room which houses incapacitated Trump. Unfortunately he wakes up, goes mad and gets shot.

3Romeo posted:

The world left stand-alone plots behind long ago. Cross-genre tie-ins are the future.

We have other profitables.

MIcro-transactions?

Formed by executive order after the success of horse armor in Oblivion. I have someone in place, though. I'm more concerned about CD Projekt Red. They're located in Poland.

Our customer corpus is far in advance of theirs, as is our shareholder sentience. And their... ethical inflexibility has allowed us to make progress in areas they refuse to consider.

The one-time DLC project?

Among other things -- but I must admit that I have been somewhat disappointed in the performance of the primary unit.

The secondary DLC unit should be online soon. It's currently undergoing preparation and will be operational within six months. My people will continue to report on its progress. If necessary, the primary can be put on sale.

We've had to endure much, you and I, but soon there will be order again, a new age. Ubisoft spoke of the mythical lovely but profitable intellectual property. Soon that property will be a reality, and we will be given executive bonuses.
Or better than bonuses.
Parachutes.

Avshalom posted:

i am the last and greatest prophet of israel. oh lord, oh lord lend your strength to my voice. in the year 2018 hillary clinton is a low-earth orbit angel. bernie sanders has become one with the mountains and the sky. barack obama is a smear of sacred poo. vladimir putin hunts death from the back of a mule. ariel sharon is still sleeping. george w bush has given himself over to the worms. i am with child. trump strangles the world with the insatiable tendrils of his body; he bleeds oil and shits diamonds and into his maw whole countries vanish and he grinds them up into a red slurry of bones and gravel. the elephants are extinct. the whales are extinct. my libido is extinct. my naked body is as sleek as polished soapstone but my vagina has contracted into nothingness. it's an anti-space, a niche so tight and unwelcoming that its presence inverts and undoes space itself - a black hole into which trump will be sucked, drawn out into fleshy strings and annihilated forever

White Coke posted:

What operating system do they use in Hell?

Tasteful Dickpic posted:

Their processors are made by intHELL.

gently caress off Batman posted:

And their graphics cards are made by AMD.

Heath posted:

The joke here is a little bit meta. Youth pastors act as social guideposts and role models for children, early teens and young adults from a Christian perspective. They're pretty common in the US. It's been a tactic in recent decades to try and adopt the attitudes of some of the wayward and sinful attractions of youth culture and affect a more laid back and casual approach to introducing the gospel and associated values to children who may otherwise be tempted by negative associations. The humor here is that youth pastors tend to be more straightlaced and proper, and this Twitter user has affected some exaggerated grammar and punctuation to subvert that image. He introduces himself as Chet (not his real name) to evoke the image of the young white male that typifies the youth pastor image -- the name also has connotations of the sort of casual informality that suggests he is approachable as both a spiritual mentor and a personal friend. I'm a huge prick

Absurd Alhazred posted:

Who's the artist, so I make sure never to buy any of their work?

jaegerx posted:

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3805538&perpage=40#post468366875

I'm on mobile sorry. Can someone grab that and quote it. It's glorious

bradzilla posted:

Kumo posted:

Richard Spencer gets clocked by a Black Bloc protestor:

https://twitter.com/MrTrunney/status/822580347409932290

Bud K ninja sword posted:

clearly he did nazi that coming.

Lunchmeat Larry posted:

your mum's anus is so insatiably hungry for monster cock, average-sized men call it the Judging Eye

Strom Cuzewon posted:

Your mum's so filthy, Cnaiur thought he was loving a hole in the ground.

Lunchmeat Larry posted:

your mum’s holes are so nasty, her favourite dildo was repurposed as a terrifying weapon, the Heron Spear

General Battuta posted:

I was pacing the halls of Atrithau contemplating the knowledge of pure meaning when my senses were assaulted by a hideous Mark. Whirling I saw a velour-robed Schoolman. Impossible! As I summoned my wards the man said, "Yo momma made a pit of her womb so deep they call her Mom-Uirokas." Desperately I focused on the simple truth of the geometric point. But the sorcerer's chapped lips chuckled "Yo momma so stupid she thinks skin-spy can cover up her herpes" and I was confronted with the knowledge that my disgrace was anticipated in ancient counsels where men's honor was bound to the grace of their mothers. My world pitched as the nimil-chained wizard cried "Aurang left yo momma's house so ashamed and hosed up he ran up to me saying, 'who am I? what do you see??'" And I wept as I accepted the busting of my soul.

Lunchmeat Larry posted:

rumour has it that the most fearless Mandate scholars face one final Dream of Seswatha that none have ever experienced without succumbing to madness and clawing out their own eyes in their sleep; the very night you were conceived

General Battuta posted:

Deep within the halls of Ishual I oversaw the birth of the latest Candidate. From the scents and issues of the pregnancy I had determined the sex of the boy. But when the child slid from the whale-mother it was at a time unanticipated by the evidence, and beneath the natal filth he wore a robe of thick cloth. Improbably, the child spoke. "Look here," he burbled, "buncha nerds so cloistered they think a clitoris is a property of the soul's will to become self-moving. Hey! You! You spend twenty years studying how passions move peeled-up faces?" And I saw in his bloodied face the words 'and yo cock so little they call you the Death of Girth.' I fell into the Probability Trance to explore the causal origins of this event, but everywhere I turned I saw a man with nimil-jeweled teeth hooting "They say an Anasurimbor will come at the end of the world, so I guess the Second Apocalypse goes down after three pumps". And I felt the Absolute escape me forever.

Rollersnake posted:

Avshalom posted:

some prospective buyers have just dropped around unexpectedly to look at the house and i'm high af lol

Avshalom posted:

we went around frantically cleaning poo poo and almost forgot to pack away the bong and massive bowl of dried herb and then they show up with a 9-year-old

Avshalom posted:

swanning around the kitchen giggling and repeatedly shaking hands with everyone

Avshalom posted:

overheard: "MUM WHAT'S UP WITH THAT CHICKEN" "that's a guinea fowl darling"

farraday posted:

Source: Top White House officials are trying to take each other down like "Game of Thrones"

http://www.cnn.com/2017/02/13/politics/trump-watch-live-coverage-week-4/index.html

It's a nice day for a red wedding.

BarbarianElephant posted:

The Russian ambassador must be very boring because no-one in the Republican party can ever remember what he said, or even if they ever met him. I imagine he just drones on about borscht.

SKULL.GIF posted:

vs.

Skippy Granola posted:

Don looks like someone tried to draw Tom Clancy from memory

Chuck Buried Treasure posted:

Forums poster Nevvy Z reported Black Baby Goku over a hundred times in the Games DOTA thread, then reported BBG again for two separate posts making fun of him in Imp Zone for doing it, then reported a mod and an admin for revealing that he had reported BBG.

Thread in question: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3812547&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1

Chichevache posted:

That punchline is perfectly setup.

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

By the police

quote:

Whilst unbelievably drunk and barely conscious I was robbed and sexually engaged by a homeless woman, I don't know what to do and I can't decide whether to tell my girlfriend.

The Dennis System posted:

Therefore:



???

I don't understand physics and math, and I admit it's weird that if you attach a measuring device to one of the slits the interference pattern is no longer displayed, but how do you get something as bizarre and anti-occam's razor as multiple universes from these double slit experiments and some math? Seems crazy.

DaveSplitter posted:

Bet you that's the only slit those nerds are shooting things into.

Nash posted:

I like to think of the Lizardmen as babysitters.

Mom and dad said feed the kids chicken nuggets and fries, watch Moana then put the kids to bed at 9. Problem is mom and dad never returned.

Now the children are in their 20's but the babysitter has the house all locked up. Every night is a chicken nugget and fries dinner. The Blu ray is broken and the babysitter doesn't understand digital. Everyone sits around a broken tv and closes their eyes. Together they perfectly recite Moana from memory and then go to bed.

Technically the instructions are being followed but everyone in the house is psychotic and broken.

Karate Bastard posted:

We all know that's how somethingawful ends. That's how we can finally kill it. The one final nazi pun chain to... ugh.

cinci zoo sniper posted:

I rise blissfully at 4:30 am, thanks to my Tibetan singing bowl alarm clock. After 20 minutes of alternate nostril breathing, I start my day with a three-minute cold shower. This I follow with twenty minutes of stream-of-consciousness journaling, then another twenty minutes of gratitude journaling.

For breakfast, I always enjoy a half liter of organic, fair-trade, bulletproof coffee (I use a ghee, coconut oil, and yak butter blend instead of MCT oil), which keeps me in ketosis until I break my intermittent fast. By the way, if you haven’t tried it, nothing does the trick like intermittent fasting for maintaining less than 17% body fat. (For my full fasting protocol, see my e-book.)

Before I leave for work, I make sure to pack my award-winning green smoothie. This recipe is designed to heal the thyroid, calm the spleen, support liver detoxification, reverse and prevent tumor growth, whiten teeth, boost fertility, balance chakras, stabilize circadian rhythms, ease constipation, regulate the menstrual cycle, prevent rabies, and make your skin glow!

Using your favorite bone broth as a base, just add a small handful each of kale, spinach, bok choi, frozen cauliflower, and wheatgrass; half an avocado, a whole, unpeeled kiwi, a quarter cup of filmjölk, skyr, kefir OR plain organic yogurt (depending on your personal mucus type – to learn yours, see my e-book); two tablespoons each of chia seeds, flax seeds, pea protein, fresh pomegranate seeds, dried goji berries, resistant potato starch, turmeric powder, and collagen hydrolysate; one tablespoon each of ghee, coconut oil, coconut water, maple syrup, maca, lucuma, chlorella, spirulina, hemp seeds, moringa leaves, royal jelly, powdered durian fruit, activated charcoal, Manuka honey, ashwagandha powder, shilajit powder, local bee pollen, Irish moss, cordyceps fungus, chaga powder, reishi mushroom powder, matcha powder, and cacao nibs; two drops of lavender essential oil, a quarter cup of sprouted almonds, five soaked cashews, two soaked medjool dates, a Ceylon cinnamon stick, a whole nutmeg seed, four white peppercorns, three peeled and crushed garlic cloves, a cup of organic frozen blueberries, and a pinch of Himalayan salt. To really take it up a notch, add four acacia thorns and a half-teaspoon of Tibetan monk tears. Follow with a high-quality probiotic.

This jolt of nutrition and flavor keeps my mind off of food for at least seven hours. The mixture also doubles as an amazing antioxidant face mask.

As with all of my meals, I divide the week’s smoothie ingredients into large mason jars ahead of time, which I can then take out of the refrigerator and blend with the Vitamix at a moment’s notice. To make cleanup more efficient, I have seven Vitamix blender pitchers, which I clean all at once on Sunday evenings. Best $1200 I’ve ever spent. So much time saved.

My mindful subway commute is spent listening to affirmation recordings, which I rotate based on the moon phase.

When I reach my workspace, I’m in my creative heaven. The foundation is my standing desk, which I can lower when I need to sit on a medicine ball for a few minutes. I’m only human, right? This, along with my $1300 Metraflex custom shoe inserts, has completely eliminated my back pain.

On my desk, I keep a small collection of rose quartz, fluorite, and onyx crystals, which zap negative energy. I also have a multi-photo frame with pictures of all of my vision boards. I call it my “meta-vision-board.” This way, I can keep manifesting my abundance without taking up valuable desk space.

While at work, I use my Bose Quiet Comfort XI headphones to listen to a looped binaural beats track mixed with Tibetan chant and blue whale songs. The alternation of alpha and theta waves puts me in a state of total flow like nothing else.

I’m a firm believer in Tim Ferriss’ 4-Hour Workweek™ principles, so I batch my email communication into fifteen minutes on Monday mornings. To make this even more efficient, I reply using one of six standard templates that I crafted for this purpose. I have not personally responded to an email in nine years. This opens up so much more time to dedicate to developing my brain baby, the LinguaGoGo app, which allows users to learn 15 world languages in as little as eleven seconds per week. If you haven’t seen my viral TED talk on the amazing technology behind this program, I recommend you do so as soon as you can.

At 3 pm, it’s time to hit the gym. After years of research, I have engineered the most efficient possible workout, which is a single, 100-pound kettlebell swing, followed by four and a half minutes of foam rolling. (See my e-book for step-step instructions) I use a roller that’s made by a women’s empowerment collective in Andhra Pradesh. These fair-trade foam rollers are made from recycled Tom’s Shoes and are 100% sustainable.

Coming home every afternoon is bliss. Performing Marie Kondo’s decluttering protocol once a month has transformed our apartment into a minimalist temple of joy. Even the cat’s litterbox brings me happiness. The less you possess, the less you have to tidy. With our hairless cat, solar-powered air purification system, and microfiber-soled slippers, we have eliminated the need to clean our bedroom and living room. In fact, we only ever pull out the Dyson vacuum cleaner when my in-laws visit so they know we appreciated the gift.

With nothing left to optimize in my own life, I am blessed with ample time to help optimize others’ lives. It’s my passion! Afternoons are dedicated to my coaching practice and about 11,000 weekly words of content for my personal blog, which brings in 6K of revenue each month. This semi-passive income source is an amazing complement to my trust fund.

Most recently, I helped a mother of five in Indiana lose 120 pounds with my smoothie recipe and a customized version of my exercise regime (using an 80-pound kettlebell). With my guidance, she followed her dream and launched her own blog about holistic dog training, which just broke 14 million unique page views a month! (For more information, see her e-book.)

Winding down at the end of the day is bliss. Even though I only get 45 minutes a day with my husband, we make the most of that time by staring into each others’ eyes for at least five minutes, which is proven to boost intimacy. We have also adapted our own version of the Nonviolent Communication protocol, which allows us to express all of our needs, feelings, fears, and experiences from the day in a loving exchange of five sentences each. (To learn more, check out my husband’s wonderful book, The Four Hour Relationship.)

At dinnertime, I whip out two mason jars with prepped ingredients for an amazing meal. Our local CSA program keeps us stocked with the freshest organic ingredients. We supplement these with microgreens, herbs, and sprouts grown in our hydroponic window boxes. To maximize the spiritual experience of our meal, and to prevent swallowing air (which can cause bloating — yuck!) we eat in silence, or communicate only with small hums.

When it’s time for bed, I make a nourishing cup of Golden-Brown Milk. This is similar to the turmeric-rich Golden Milk you’re familiar with, but also contains a tablespoon of my favorite buckwheat miso to support digestion and sleep.

Finally, I conclude my day with ten more minutes of gratitude journaling and a 30-minute Haasyaaspad meditation, which is believed to lengthen telomeres and slow down the aging process. It also prompts dreams in which I communicate with my ancestors and reconnect with my truth.

I hope that this look into my daily routine inspires you to optimize your life! Starting next month, I am offering new coaching partnerships that begin at $1,999 per month, but you can get 5% off using the coupon code on page 615 of my e-book.

funmanguy posted:

The OP for this thread should just have a link to avshaloms rap sheet.

Absurd Alhazred posted:

The Torah says what now?

Malachite_Dragon posted:

You'd think he'd just stop eating the goddamn hotdogs.

Powaqoatse posted:

check it

1. hotdogmouth - all star
2. smashdog - all star
3. hotdogmouth, really?
4. smashmouth - all dogs
5. same but all hotdogs
6. same but no hotdogs
7. limp bizkit - smashdogs (cover)
8. smashmouth - hot star
9. smashmouth - dog star
10. Sort Sol - Dog Star Man
11. smash mouth - all star (in a minor key)
12. smashdog again
13. original musique concrete composition: 10 reel to reel tapes of smashmouth, gradually going out of sync because its raining hotdogs (20 mins)
14. weatherhotdogs - its raining mouth

(ca 90 minutes, extra long cdr yea)

Stago Lego posted:

I don't know about you guys but my reason to join was to fly this aerocynamic Delilah. Its canard wings and meteor rockets. Its clear curving cockpit cover, the whirling of dials and needles.
And the uniform! The illustrious uniform of the Hayard Gunnes. The click of the heels in salute, the flare of the jacket, the wide, long-skirted hang of it, and oh, the low shiny peak of the cap.
For the danger, and the glory of death. To set forth in a silver lance too joust with the forces of darkness. To die for one's country. A young and dashing life gone up in flames. Blonde maidens weeping.

Improbable Lobster posted:

No.

Raenir Salazar posted:

On the other hand, a great homage to Merry and Pippin liberating the Shire at the end of the Lord of the Rings.

scuba school sucks posted:

Novelisations don't count as canon so that didn't really happen though.

Hogge Wild posted:

lol at quoting your own posts here

how vain are you